Tag Archives: panic

Getting Used To A New Dentist Routine (or This Wasn’t The Appointment I Expected)

Posted on January 8, 2020 | Comments Off on Getting Used To A New Dentist Routine (or This Wasn’t The Appointment I Expected)

I’ve only had my new dentists for a short period of time, so things are still new to me. I had my old dentist for a long time and that routine and process were familiar to me. It still didn’t help with my fear of the dentist, but at least I knew what to expect. I figured with the new dentists that it would take some time because they were also figuring out their plan. What I might have experienced at my first appointment might not be what they continue to do. So when I went in for my cleaning this week, I knew that things might be different. I just wasn’t expecting how things ended up going.

In the past, I would have my cleanings 3 times a year and at one of those appointments, I would have the full exam with the dentist along with x-rays. But because of how the new dentists run things, and since they are the ones that assist with all the cleanings, now all my cleanings will have an exam too. I won’t be doing x-rays every time, but I’ll probably have them more often.

Whenever I have a cleaning, and even more when I have an exam, I’m worried that something will be discovered with my teeth. It’s happened so many times and I know that it will continue to happen in the future. But I try my best to make sure I do everything I can for my teeth. But because of having genetically bad teeth, I know that I can’t prevent everything. And I will always have problems with my teeth discovered that will need to be fixed.

And unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened at this appointment.

While doing the exam, my dentist discovered 2 spots that weren’t quite cavities yet but would become cavities if I didn’t get them taken care of soon. They would need to be drilled and filled just like cavities and there was nothing I could do to fix them on my own. It’s exactly what I’m afraid will happen and honestly, it is probably what keeps me fearful of the dentist.

My dentist gave me a few options about what to do about them. I obviously wanted to fix them, and she said they could do it in that appointment so I wouldn’t have to come back another day. And because of where they were on my teeth and how small they were, I probably wouldn’t need any numbing medications. I wasn’t sure about that, but I was willing to give it a try. So we did both the cleaning and the fillings at the same time.

We did the first part of the cleaning before doing the drilling. Even though my dentist is new, she is very aware of how bad my fear is and she was trying to do everything she could to make the appointment better for me. She promised that if the drilling hurt too much that she could numb me, but she really wanted to try without it because she didn’t think I would need it. And she said that the drilling would only be about 20 seconds between both spots.

I wasn’t sure that she was right that I could do it without any numbing medications, but I promised to try. And there was only a split second that I felt anything. And what I did feel wasn’t too painful, it was just like an intense cleaning. And then the drilling was done. I think the worst part was that there is a burning smell after they do the drilling. But that’s nothing. It made me wonder about how bad all my other appointments with fillings were and maybe the worst part was getting numb.

The spots were quickly filled and they used the light to cure them and then the dentist did the rest of the cleaning with polishing my teeth. That’s it. I was done with the entire thing in under an hour which was crazy! I was expecting it to be much longer, especially since they were adding in the fillings. But they were super efficient and I really appreciate that. Anything that makes my time at the dentist faster makes me feel better about it.

I’ll have my next appointment in 4 months, which is normal for me. And now I know it will be both the cleaning and the exam so that won’t be a big surprise to me. But I will probably still be worried that they will discover something wrong. I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away because it keeps coming true from time to time. But at least now, I have a slightly better feeling about how things will be handled if that does happen.

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Getting Ready For Thanksgiving (or I Wish Flying Was Easier)

Posted on November 27, 2019 | Comments Off on Getting Ready For Thanksgiving (or I Wish Flying Was Easier)

I’m traveling to Sacramento again this year for Thanksgiving. Our family Thanksgiving was originally planned to be there since my grandma couldn’t travel. Since she passed away recently, we didn’t change the plans for our family. But starting next year, I think my family is going to go back to switching up where we have Thanksgiving each year.

I was so used to going to San Diego each year for a while and I have to admit that I liked Thanksgiving being there. I know that it wasn’t easy for most people in my family to get there, but it was easy for me. I didn’t necessarily love the drive down there because it could take a lot longer than normal, but driving is so much easier for me than flying. I miss it when I could just pack up my car and go without thinking too much about it. Flying takes so much more effort and planning for me.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful that I get to fly to be with my family for Thanksgiving. I’m really grateful that my parents are able to help me out with getting a ticket (since I don’t have the money for it) and that I get to spend the holiday with so many members of my family. But flying really does stress me out so much. My panic attacks with flying have gotten better to the point I don’t have to be medicated while flying, but I do still deal with a lot of panic and anxiety when I have to get on a plane.

Maybe this is because I don’t fly that often. The last time I was on a plane was a year ago for Thanksgiving last year. Maybe if I flew all the time it would feel routine for me. Or maybe it would be just as bad as it always is for me. I don’t know and I doubt I will ever fly enough to figure it out.

Before I fly, I have stress and a bit of panic with packing. When I drove to Thanksgiving, I didn’t have to think about how much I packed or how it was packed. I didn’t necessarily overpack, but I wasn’t as organized when I could put lots of things in my car. I always had a suitcase for my clothes and toiletries, but I didn’t pack everything for my trip in a suitcase. I sometimes would have a different bag for shoes because I would have a few different pairs depending on the weather and what we were going to do. I would have a bag just for my work stuff since that can take up a lot of room. I would pack presents for my family in a separate bag so they were safe and easy to get to when we exchanged presents. And I usually helped out by making some food for Thanksgiving so I would have a bag for that too. Plus my everyday purse with my normal day to day things like my wallet and what I would need when I was out and about.

There is no way I can do all that for a trip where I’m flying. I have just one carryon and one large purse that can fit my computer plus a few other personal things. I have to be very selective with what I pack for clothes, including my shoes. Fortunately, I have found a few ways I can reduce what I need to have with me to work without affecting my ability to do my job. And I have to find a way to basically fit everything into one bag that used to only be one part of what I bring with me. It’s such a dumb thing to stress me out, but it does. I’m just glad that I have it figured out and everything does fit in the suitcase I have with me. I just have to be ok with maybe not having the best outfits with me or not having all the toiletries and makeup that I’d want to bring. I guess the one positive is that my suitcase home will be easier to pack because the presents I have for my family take up a big part of the bag.

And then the entire ordeal of flying is something that stresses me out. I worry that I won’t be able to get to the airport on time. I worry that the security line will be so long that I will miss my flight. And the thing that stresses me out so much, that somehow for some reason I won’t fit in the airplane seat. This has never been an issue for me and I have flown when I weighed more than I do now. So there is no reason for me to think that somehow I won’t fit. The seats aren’t comfortable, but I don’t think most people find them comfortable. I know I will be fine flying and that I won’t have issues like not being able to get into a seat, but for some reason, this fear doesn’t go away until I am off the plane at the end of my trip. So this will be a fear I have in the back of my head the entire time I’m in Sacramento. This fear isn’t something that is determined just by my weight. When I was at my skinniest, I still had the same fear. I’m guessing this is a part of my body dysmorphia and that it will be something I will always deal with, at least a little bit.

By the time you are all reading this, I will have made it through the flight there so my packing and some of my flying stress will be done. And I’m hoping that the remaining stress and fear will be able to be pushed aside so I can enjoy the few days that I get to spend with my family and I don’t waste that time worrying about unnecessary things.

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Staying Calm With Changes (or Testing My Fear Of The Dentist)

Posted on September 27, 2019 | Comments Off on Staying Calm With Changes (or Testing My Fear Of The Dentist)

It has taken a long time, but I finally am at a point where I don’t fear the dentist as much as I used to. I still have a fear of the dentist and it makes me panic a bit, but it is nothing like what it was just a few years ago. I’ve had better appointments in the recent past which helped, but I think it is also due to something in my brain chemistry changing that has helped.

For a while, my dentist appointments have been very consistent with the care I was getting as well as the people that I saw. Then, the last time I was there, I discovered that my dentist retired and 2 new dentists took over the office. This caused me to have a bit of panic, but it ended up working out well for me. The new dentists were very understanding with my fear and they were willing to work with me and try to make things easy.

While having new dentists was a big change, since I only see the dentist every 3rd appointment, it wasn’t too bad. As long as my dental hygenist was still there, I was happy. I used to joke to her that I would switch offices if she ever left because she really does work hard to make my panic attacks as minor as possible. But she said she had no plans to leave so I didn’t worry about it.

Then this week, I went to the dentist. My appointment was on Monday and it was just going to be for a cleaning so I would see the hygienist and not the dentist. Things were running a little late, but that wasn’t a big deal. Then one of the dentists came out and said she would get to me as soon as possible. I was so confused since I wasn’t going to be seeing the dentist for a cleaning. And that’s when I discovered that the hygienist was no longer at the office. I couldn’t follow her to another office because she switched careers. I am glad she is going to do something that she has always wanted to do, but I was sad that it was another change and it was causing me to panic a bit.

I ended up having to reschedule my appointment to yesterday because of how late things were running. And while I tried not to think about things, I spent a few days panicking that things were not going to be good at my appointment. I knew the new dentists were very understanding and they said they would work with me and my fear during the cleaning, but I have gotten so used to having my routine and not needing to worry too much. I knew that there was a good chance my appointment was going to be harder than the past few cleanings, but I also knew that I would be fine and that my fear and feeling of panic wasn’t a sign of things to come.

I’m aware that I’m a bit of a pain in the butt at the dentist. It’s not easy to have a patient who is scared and it took a long time to get comfortable with the hygienist who I had been seeing. Fortunately, things went much better than I expected.

I discussed with the dentist about how things had been done in the past to help my fear. And she did explain why those might not have been the best choices. I was willing to take a chance and try her plan, but I asked her to modify a few things. For example, I wanted her to confirm that my teeth were fine and there was nothing she saw that looked concerning. I don’t think that’s a normal part of the cleaning, but I really needed to hear that in order to feel better. And once that part was done, things were easier on me.

The only hard part was not knowing how much longer I had in the appointment since things were being done in a different order. Thankfully, the dentist was very understanding and answered all my questions and explained where we were in the appointment at each step. I kept apologizing for asking a million things, but I don’t think she minded. She was saying that it’s better that I’m aware of what’s going on and making sure I take care of my teeth instead of letting my fear take over and keep me away.

The appointment was a bit longer than I’m used to, but I think that was because the dentist and I had to work together to figure out how to make the appointment the best for me. But in the end, it all worked out for me and I didn’t have any panic attacks while there. My nerves were still affecting me, but that’s something that I don’t think will ever go away. And hopefully, when I go back in 4 months it will get a little easier for me.

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More Adventures At The Dentist (or Getting Through A Long Appointment)

Posted on May 15, 2019 | Comments Off on More Adventures At The Dentist (or Getting Through A Long Appointment)

As I wrote last week when I went to the dentist, I didn’t have the best news at my appointment. Nothing was horrible, but I did need to have some things repaired and replaced. And doing that means needing numbing shots. That’s never something that is fun for me and I was even more nervous considering that I would be working with new dentists. I tried not to stress too much in the week between the appointments, but I couldn’t help it.

I went in for the long appointment this week on Monday and it was really a long appointment! I was there for about 3 hours and I know it was longer than anyone expected. Part of the reason I was there so long was that I had an issue getting numb. I’ve had this problem before and it’s the worst considering how much I hate needles. But the first round of numbing shots only numbed a small section of where the work was going to be done. So they had to do another round of numbing shots and since I wasn’t numb from the first ones I did feel the second round as well. Fortunately the second round did work, but it still made things longer than it should have been.

Also, because these dentists are new I wanted to give them the warnings about my specific issues. I had to give them a heads up about my fainting issue even though it hasn’t been happening as often recently. I also wanted to let them know some random things that help my anxiety when work is being done. One of those things is to be told as each part of the process is happening and is done. So if they are working on the drilling, letting me know how much longer they need to drill helps. I’m sure for some people it makes it worse when they are told there is 5 more minutes left, but it gives me something to focus on. Also, my anxiety is lower when I understand things more. So I asked how certain things are done like how the old crown is taken off my tooth. Being able to imagine it is a really good thing for me.

Getting my old filling repaired was the easy part. I actually wasn’t numb for that and it didn’t really hurt at all. The drilling was done quickly and the replacement filling material was in before I knew it. If that was the only part of the appointment I had to do, I would have been done faster than a normal cleaning!

But working on replacing my crown was a much longer process. There were multiple impressions and molds that had to be done to create the temporary and permanent crown and those took time to set. And to get the old crown off they had to do a lot of drilling. It’s good to know how strong it is, but it makes it hard to get it off. They do need to be replaced every 10-15 years so I will go through this process several more times with the various crowns I have, but at least I’m a bit more prepared this time.

Because I already had a crown on that tooth, there was minimal drilling that had to be done on my actual tooth. But the reason why I needed the replacement was because there was a little cavity on my tooth just below where the crown was. When that happened, it made a little gap in the crown so there was a possibility that bacteria could get under there and make things really bad. But once the crown was off the dentists confirmed that the cavity was only that small spot they saw before and not worse. So they drilled that out and all the drilling work was done. All that was left was to create the temporary crown and get that onto the tooth.

When I left, I was still very numb. I am happy to be extra numb since I would prefer that over feeling pain. But I did discover an issue with that when the numbness finally wore off. There was a small part of the temporary crown that was jagged and cutting into my tongue. I had no clue about this when it was done and because of where it was on it the dentists wouldn’t have been able to see it. But it was very painful and I knew I needed to have it fixed immediately.

So the next day, I called as soon as they opened to see when I could come back in. I knew fixing it would only take a few minutes so I was fine going in the middle of work (I cleared it with my manager too). As soon as I got there, I was able to point out exactly where the problem was and once they knew where to look they could smooth it out and make everything they way it needs to be. The temporary crown is always a bit rough, but the part that was hurting me was not normal. I didn’t have to get numb for this and I didn’t mind the drill as much because I knew it was going to make the pain end. My tongue is still hurting now, but that’s because of what happened before it was fixed. Hopefully that goes back to normal soon.

I have one more appointment to get the permanent crown in and to smooth my filling a bit (I could have done this when they fixed the temporary crown, but I needed to get back to work). That appointment won’t be as long as the main one was so that is going to be nice. I still am anxious about the next appointment since I know there are a few moments where it will hurt a little bit when they cement the new crown on, but I would prefer to have that little pain than the pain of having the shots. And then once that is done, hopefully I won’t have anything besides normal cleanings for a long time.

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Surprises At The Dentist (or Guess I Have A Few More Appointments)

Posted on May 8, 2019 | 3 comments

I had my big dentist appointment this week. Going in for a cleaning has been getting easier, but it’s still something that stresses me out a lot. I don’t take my panic meds before going in, but I still feel some of the smaller panic attack symptoms as I go in for a cleaning appointment. And when I have my big dentist appointment where I have a teeth cleaning and the x-rays and visit with the dentist, that stressed me out even more. It doesn’t help that for a week or so before the appointment I have nightmares about my teeth.

Going in for my big appointment this time was making me feel the same panic that I expected, and I was trying to stay optimistic that everything would be fine. But I also know that due to genetics I have bad teeth and there are some things that I just can’t control with dental care. I can do everything right, and I will still need to have major work done. It sucks that I have genetically bad teeth and a fear of the dentist, but maybe they are a bit more related because I have had to have so much work done.

But this time, when I got to my dentist appointment, I had a surprise right away. My dentist actually had retired a few weeks prior! I had no clue about this and it really did surprise me. He brought on 2 new dentists (who are sisters) to run his practice and everyone else who was there before is still there. So I still have the same dental hygienist cleaning my teeth which to me is probably the most important thing since I see her 3 times a year (compared to once a year with my dentist). My nerves got better and worse after finding out my dentist retired because I still had to do my x-rays and big exam with the new dentist, but I had been told they were a little gentler than my old dentist.

My dental hygienist has been cleaning my teeth for so long that she gets my panic and anxiety. And before these big appointments she knows to warn me if there is anything that she sees that might need to have big work. This time, unfortunately, there were 2 things that she was concerned about. But we wouldn’t get an answer for sure until my x-rays were done.

After the x-rays I got to meet my new dentist and she was very nice. She also had been prepared about my anxiety issues and she was trying to be a calming person around me. I know she could tell that I was not doing well and she wanted me to have all the answers quickly and things wouldn’t be drawn out.

And my dental hygienist was right that there are 2 things that need to be worked on. I have a filling that chipped and a crown that needs to be replaced. The chipped filling is more preventative than anything because there is nothing wrong with my tooth right now. But if it’s not fixed it can get worse and a cavity could form or I could need a crown on that tooth. And the crown that needs to be replaced is due to a cavity forming right around the edge of the crown. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent this because the cavity is technically under the crown, but it was still upsetting news for me. I hate having dental work done and now I need to have 2 big things done.

The positives I guess are that both of the big things are kind of small things. The filling will be easy and the new crown should be much easier than getting the crown the first time. Since most of the work has already been done, the drilling part will be much faster. But I will still have to have needles to numb me and it will involve 2 appointments. I’ll have a temporary crown for a week before the permanent one is ready and I remember that the temporary one always felt a bit weird to me. But at least it will be over in a week.

With this new dentist, I really did want to impress her with staying calm about all this, but I can’t help how much this upset me when I saw the x-rays and they were explained to me. I did cry because it really just made me panic even more about the next appointments and how overwhelming it felt that I did everything right and I still have all this wrong with my teeth. I have friends that don’t floss and skip going to the dentist for years and have perfect teeth. I do all the preventative stuff I can at home and go 3 times a year and it isn’t enough. But even with me crying, this new dentist understood and tried to help me feel better.

I wish I could have been calmer (and more normal) at my appointment, but I guess that wasn’t what my first impression was supposed to be. And my new dentist made a great first impression on me, but I will find out very quickly if I am happy with how the major work gets done. Maybe writing that I could be happy is the wrong thing since I don’t think I will ever be happy about having major work done, but I hope that I tolerate it as well or better than I did before. And I already know that this new dentist will make the crown out of the same material so it will still look like a tooth and not be obvious.

I had all the hopes in the world that this appointment would have gone well and I wouldn’t have another dentist visit for 4 months. But now I will have appointments for the next 2 weeks and I can only hope that it goes well and I don’t have a bad panic attack for the next 2 appointments.

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Making Small Investments In My Health (or Trying To Not Be Anxious Or Paranoid)

Posted on January 16, 2019 | Comments Off on Making Small Investments In My Health (or Trying To Not Be Anxious Or Paranoid)

I’m seriously a broken record about some things in my life. I guess I should be happy to have a routine and know what will happen, but I’m so tired of having a lot of anxiety prior to going to a dental appointment. I hate that even a cleaning will cause me to get all worked up and I can’t relax until the appointment is done. Even when I am having the cleaning done, I’m still paranoid that things are going to turn for the worst. I’m always asking the dental hygienist if everything looks ok or if she sees anything that looks suspicious. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to see something horrible with my teeth.

I know that I take care of my teeth. I had a brief period of time right after college when I wasn’t as good about things like flossing, but now that I’ve seen what happens when I slack off just a little I know I can’t miss any step of my dental care any day. And every time I go to the dentist, I double check to make sure that I’m using all the best things for me. I’ve switched toothbrushes and toothpaste based on what I’ve been told and I trust that those are really the best things for me to use with my situation. It’s not always the cheapest, but it’s much cheaper buying expensive toothpaste than it is to get major dental work.

One of the parts of keeping my teeth in the best condition they can be in that I’m not the best at is flossing. While I floss every day, I know I don’t floss as hard as I should. When flossing hurts or is uncomfortable, you go easy on yourself. And unfortunately if you go easy on flossing it’s not effective. I’ve learned this the hard way and I’ve tried to correct myself. But I knew that I had to look into some better options for me to make sure that I don’t have more issues down the road.

For some reason, getting a water flosser seemed like a really weird idea to me. I always imagined they were giant machines and super expensive. And when I have a bathroom that has almost no counter space, it seemed like something that wasn’t possible for me to get. But I looked more into the options online and found they weren’t as crazy as I had in my head. Most of them are pretty compact, but even the compact ones are larger than the limited counter space that I have. But I did find some of the travel versions are small enough for the space I have. The only downside in most of the reviews was about the water tank only hold half the water you need to use it each time. To refill water once seemed like a really small issue so I looked into the cheapest option for buying it.

I really lucked out with timing because I got my CVS reward and a 30% CVS coupon that week. So I was able to get a flosser that normally is close to $70 for about $40. It’s still an investment and I know that I shouldn’t be spending money, but I had to think about it being an investment to save me money and pain in the long run. I only got it about 2 weeks prior to my dentist visit, so I had no idea if it would make a difference. But I knew that if my teeth were much worse than normal, that it wasn’t worth the convenience.

Fortunately, at my appointment my teeth didn’t seem that different from how they were in my past appointments, so that was a good sign. I also got some advice on how to use the new flosser better so that hopefully I can have some improvement by my next appointment. I also learned that for the best results, I still need to use regular floss too (so I should floss, use the water flosser, brush, and then use mouthwash). I didn’t love to hear that news since I was happy not using regular floss, but again I need to do what is best for my teeth. I don’t think I will ever get over my fear that my teeth will all fall out or I will be told that something horrible is happening with my teeth. But I want to feel as secure as possible about doing everything I should do to prevent that.

My next dentist appointment is the big one with the x-rays in 4 months. I’m trying to not feel nervous just yet, but I’m already feeling the anxiety. I think it might be because I just had an appointment and my anxiety hasn’t faded from it just yet. Hopefully that will go away soon and in my dream life I won’t have any anxiety at all before my appointment. But realistically, I’m just hoping I’m only anxious the week of and I can laugh about it after because everything is fine.

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An Interesting Plane Flight (or A Return Of My Panic Attacks)

Posted on November 23, 2018 | 1 comment

I flew to Sacramento earlier this week to spend Thanksgiving with my family. The past several years Thanksgiving was in San Diego, but since my grandma moved to Sacramento we all traveled to be where she is. It was weird to fly for Thanksgiving since it had been so many years since I had to do that. And I realized when I got to the airport that it had been over 2 years since I had been on a plane.

I haven’t been a huge traveler over the past decade or so, but I usually would take at least one flight a year. So to go 2 years without flying was possibly the longest I’ve gone without a flight. I wasn’t too worried about it and was almost thinking it was funny it had been so long, so I was pretty relaxed when I got to the airport. Even with all the travel, parking issues, and getting through security; I was in the main terminal with plenty of time to spare. So I relaxed and got some dinner before I had to go to my gate.

While I was sitting at the gate, I started to notice some signs of a panic attack. It’s been a long time since I had an attack so I was hoping maybe I was thinking too much about it. Plus, I didn’t have any of my panic medication with me (and I’m sure it’s all expired) so I was just trying to stay calm and not think about it. But things kept getting worse for me. I was feeling very off and I just wanted the flight to be over with. But I still had time to wait before we boarded so I tried to focus on my book.

I was in one of the first boarding groups so I got a window seat and tried to settle in. I turned the fan on as high as it went because I was starting to sweat and shake. I knew I was probably going to have an attack on the plane and I couldn’t do much to change that. I just had to push through and hope it didn’t last the entire flight. The flight was full so the middle and aisle seats in my row were taken, but the people sitting in them were sleeping before we took off so I didn’t have to worry that they would be worried about me.

I really tried to just read my book and not think about things, but my mind just kept wandering. I had a pretty strong attack during the takeoff and a couple of moderate ones during the flight. The flight was only an hour so to have a couple of them felt like I was having them the entire time, but I know there were moments of calm during the flight that I was able to read.

Because I was flying at night, I didn’t realize we were about to land until I could see the runway below us right before we touched down. I only had a minor attack from the time we touched down until we got to the gate so that was much easier to deal with. Once I got off the plane, I stood in the jetway for a moment to try to catch my breath and relax. I’m sure there were people looking at me while I was calming down but I didn’t care. I wanted the attack to be done so I could get out of the airport.

Walking through the airport and in my Uber ride to the hotel, I was decompressing from the attack. I felt exhausted and my body was hurting. It’s been so long since I’ve had one and I forgot how it takes so much out of you both mentally and physically.

I’m glad it wasn’t worse and I’m very proud of myself for getting through it without any medication. I don’t know if I’m going to try to get a new prescription because I’m really hoping this was a one time thing. I do have my flight back and I am a bit worried about it, but I’m trying to stay optimistic as well. Maybe this attack only happened because it had been so long since I flew? I know my attacks at the dentist have stopped and I go there 3 times a year. So maybe it was just that I was out of practice with flying and my flight home will feel more routine.

No matter why it happened or if it will happen again, the fact is that I had a panic attack on the plane. It wasn’t fun and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I made it through. And if I have another one, I just need to remind myself that I can get through it again. I would prefer if I could get through it when I’m home and have more things around me that comfort me, but I have done it on a plane surrounded by people so I think I can make it through in any circumstance.

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Working Through General Panic Issues (or Dealing With Lack Of Control)

Posted on August 30, 2018 | Comments Off on Working Through General Panic Issues (or Dealing With Lack Of Control)

It’s been a while since I’ve had a panic attack. I’ve had moments of panic and anxiety like when I go to the dentist, but those are different from panic attacks. Those seem to be a duller feeling and even though they last longer they aren’t as bad as an attack. And I still haven’t been having panic attacks, but I’ve been dealing with a lot more of the general and duller anxiety issues.

It’s not coming as a big surprise that I’m dealing with this now. I’ve got a few different things going on in my life that feel out of control and would probably cause someone with no anxiety issues have anxiety. I’ll get into some of these issues more next week, but having my dentist appointment this week as well as the news about my job are big causes of this.

I really hate feeling out of control. I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen. This is a feeling I have even with fun things. When a new roller coaster opens up and I know I’ll be going on it, I like to watch an on-ride video so I can know what to expect. So being in a situation now where there are multiple things that I cannot control or know what will happen is just bringing me down.

I haven’t taken my panic medication in quite a while. I actually don’t know if I have any left because I don’t know where I stored the bottle. I rarely took them before (usually only before the dentist or flying), but once I started taking Vyvanse I’ve found that I don’t need them for those situations any more. And I’m glad to not need them anymore because I did use them as a crutch. I probably could have gotten through my panic attacks without them, but it was just easy to take them so I didn’t have to deal with it.

Since I don’t know if I have any more medication nor do I want to take them, I have been trying to work on finding ways to make myself feel better this week. When I feel out of control, I know that I need to find ways to be in control. I’ve heard that multiple times in therapy when I was getting help for my panic attacks. You reach for whatever you can to have control over and use that to calm down. Sometimes that has to do with what you choose to schedule in your day or how you spend your free time. Unfortunately for me, a lot of time this control came from controlling food.

I don’t want to use food as a way to control things again. I know I don’t do it in a healthy way and it will always backfire on me. If I use not eating as much as a form of control, that is bad because it can result in a binge episode. If I eat whatever I want as a form of control, then I feel sick and that makes me feel worse about myself. It’s my go-to when I look for control and I’ve been using this week as a way to try out other methods to see if I can find something that makes me feel the same peace and feel as relaxed as I have been when I use food that way.

I haven’t found anything that works as well as food does, but I have found things that do help. I’ve been doing a ton of cleaning in my house this week. I don’t know if I’ve ever cleaned this much, but it is helping me feel some control. I’m also cleaning out things in my house that have been piling up. I’m lucky that tomorrow will be trash day because I have been throwing out a lot of things. I probably have been needing to do this for a while and it does feel nice to have a very clean house. There are also some things that I’m debating about getting rid of so I am putting them in bags and storing them in my house until I know for sure that I don’t need them. The last thing I want to do is get rid of too much stuff and then need to spend money to buy things I really did need to keep.

I know that this uncertainty can come back any time, but I think next week will be better for me. There are a few things that will probably still be an issue next week, but a majority of the things that have been out of my control will be done after this weekend. And hopefully the more I work on good habits to find ways to feel in control, the easier it will be even if it does last through next week.

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Being More Stressed Than Necessary (or Not The Best Dentist Visit)

Posted on August 28, 2018 | Comments Off on Being More Stressed Than Necessary (or Not The Best Dentist Visit)

Even though I really hate going to the dentist and it has caused me lots of panic attacks over the years, I never skip going to an appointment. And lately things have been much better for me and the panic and stress I feel before an appointment have gone down. I don’t think I’ll ever say I enjoy going to the dentist, but it’s not as bad as it has been in the past. But this month, I was supposed to go to the dentist a few weeks ago and I had to change my appointment the morning of.

Unfortunately, my dentist appointment happened to land on a day that was an exceptionally bad nausea day. I was hoping that morning that things would get better, but about 2 hours before my appointment I realized that I couldn’t go. I didn’t want to risk throwing up at the appointment, especially since my head is the lowest part of my body when I’m in the dentist chair. Usually there is a fee for rescheduling the day off, but since I never do this the office was able to waive it for me. And they also were able to reschedule the appointment for this week when I knew it was very unlikely to have a bad nausea day.

While I was grateful for getting the appointment moved, it actually ended up causing me so much anxiety. I always am worried I will get horrible news about my teeth at the appointment and in my head I was thinking that waiting the extra 2 weeks for my appointment would make things so much worse. In reality, I know this really couldn’t be true. If there was something wrong with my teeth, 2 weeks wouldn’t make a huge difference. And if it would make a huge difference, it probably would have been something that was seen when I was there a few months ago. But still, knowing that my anxiety was a bit crazy wasn’t helping me and making it go away. So the past 2 weeks I was on edge about it all.

When I went in for my appointment yesterday, I was a huge bundle of nerves when I arrived. I was shaking and couldn’t get all the anxious thoughts out of my head. I am so lucky that the hygienist I work with understands my anxiety so she does things to help make them better. She checked my teeth first to see if there was anything that concerned her and she was able to tell me that there was nothing there that seemed like something to monitor. That helps the anxiety go away a bit. It’s still not fun while my teeth get cleaned and I’m always pinching myself or doing something else to distract me from what’s happening. It doesn’t necessarily hurt, but I still have the feeling that something is going to go wrong.

One of the reasons I was feeling that way is because I’ve been dealing with some odd things with my teeth and gums. Usually during the time that I have PMS symptoms, my gums bleed when I brush my teeth and occasionally there is a tooth that feels not right. Sometimes it feels like I have a tooth that is loose, but when I feel it the tooth feels normal. I brought this up during my dentist appointment and it turns out these things are not uncommon. Hormonal changes can do weird things and having bleeding gums or teeth that might feel loose are a symptom of some inflammation that can happen due to hormones. I was relieved to know that it was not a sign of something wrong, but I know that each time it happens I will be a bit paranoid that it’s the sign of something else besides hormonal inflammation.

Once my appointment was done, I finally felt normal again. I was not shaking and I could get the panicky thoughts out of my head. It was weird to have such a panicky dentist appointment since they have been much better lately. I’m glad that my panic was all in my head and nothing was wrong, but I also know that delaying my appointment might have contributed to this as well. So I’m going to try not to have to change my appointment that close to the date again. I am hoping that the timing of when I scheduled my next appointment will work, but I also know now to take a look at things a month ahead to make sure it should be fine with when I feel nauseous.

I hate feeling anxious, panicky, and stressed going to the dentist; but it’s also not the worst thing either. As my hygienist mentioned at my appointment, this also means I’m very aware of what is happening with my teeth. I know that genetically I don’t have great teeth and that I have to be on top of taking care of them. I have a good electric toothbrush, floss pretty much every day, and use the toothpaste and mouthwash that my dentist recommends. And I go every 4 months to make sure everything is fine. This is a much better situation to be in than if I was ignoring problems or not paying attention to what’s happening until it’s too late.

I’m just glad I made it through this appointment and I’m hoping that maybe my anxiety level will go back down to where it was last time before my next appointment.

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A Quick Adventure To The Dentist (or Ok, Maybe I Overreacted A Bit)

Posted on May 9, 2018 | 2 comments

I posted last week about going to the dentist and how my appointment ended up being split over 2 days. Last week was supposed to be a cleaning plus x-rays and the check-up from the dentist. But I only had the cleaning and my x-rays and check-up got moved to this week. But during my cleaning, we discovered a very small mark in a tooth that could turn into a cavity or worse if nothing was done. So it was decided that getting a filling would be added to my appointment this week.

I’ve had bad luck with the dentist in the past, but in the recent past things have been better. Even my last major dental work ended up being much easier than I thought it would be. And I had been reassured that this filling was even less involved than the last one so it would be super quick. But even with all that, I was still pretty nervous about everything. I had other things that distracted me from feeling panicky in the days leading up to the appointment, but when my appointment day came I was pretty shaky.

When I arrived, I saw the dental tools that were going to be used for my filling. I tried to keep reminding myself that this was going to be easy, but the fear was just building up in me and I couldn’t get worst-case scenarios out of my head.

I had my x-rays first and I was so glad that I had those this week versus last week. The things they have to put in your mouth for them aren’t the most comfortable things and I would have hated feeling like that plus being nauseous. The x-rays got done quickly and then it was just time to wait for the dentist to come look at all my teeth before doing the work.

I was still terrified that he would tell me that he found something else wrong with my teeth. While I work really hard at taking care of my teeth, genetically I have bad (or not-so-great) teeth. I try really hard to not need dental work, but it’s just something I have to deal with because of how my teeth are. Fortunately this time the dentist said that my teeth looked great and where he was going to do the filling was even smaller than he expected so it should be super easy!

Then it was time for what I knew would be the worst part for me. I had the option of getting this done without a Novocaine shot, but to me that probably would have been worse than having a shot. And it was only one shot this time instead of 2 (which seems to be the norm for me). I tried to stay calm and I did better than usual, but it still wasn’t good. I hate that shots make me cry a bit (and I think it’s just worse at the dentist because I know there is potentially more pain after the shots versus my IVs at MRIs which don’t hurt), but my dentist is used to me by now and how difficult this is for me. And he recognizes that I’m doing better even if it’s still not easy.

The shot took effect really quickly and they were able to get started on the work. The drilling was maybe 15 seconds and then they were putting the filling in where they drilled. They dried it with the light and checked my bite so they could file it down to keep my bite aligned. And in under 5 minutes from the time I had the shot they were done! It was almost ridiculous how quickly it was over! I knew it would be fast so I wouldn’t have to watch a movie while they worked to distract me, but I did have my headphones so I could listen to Spotify or something while they were drilling. But that wasn’t needed. With the exception of the shot, it was easier than a cleaning!

I was out of there in no time and ready to go on with my day. I was very numb for a while so I had to be careful not to bite my lip by accident, but I think I did do that when trying to eat some lunch so I’m a bit sore now. But honestly this appointment ended up being ridiculously easy so having a minor issue after the fact didn’t bug me too much. I was just glad I got through this and that it really was worse in my head than it really was. I rarely believe things would be easier than they are, but I think that idea is worse than preparing for something that wasn’t needed.

I know that for some people going to the dentist isn’t a big deal and they don’t even worry when they need dental work done. They probably think I’m crazy with how big of a deal I make these appointments. And I’m starting to realized that I am overreacting from time to time, but the truth is that the fear is still very real for me and it may never go away completely. But at least it is getting better for me and I have more positive dentist memories to help outweigh the scary ones in my head.

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