Tag Archives: online dating

For most of the time that I have used dating apps, I have seen guys come up in my feed multiple times. Most of the time, they are guys that I never matched with and I usually swipe the same way on them that I did the previous times that I saw them. And occasionally, I would see a guy come across my feed that I had gone out with before. If I had gone out with them and didn’t want to see them again, I usually block them but occasionally I forget to do so. So if I see them again in my feed, I’ll block them that time. But sometimes, I see someone in my feed that I had gone out with and was ghosted by. That’s always a weird thing.

Getting ghosted sucks. There’s no eloquent way to say that. Even if I wasn’t sure about seeing them again, I respect someone more who can tell me that over ghosting. And I try to do the same for guys I go out with. I have only ghosted on occasions where I feel like that is best for my safety. I hate telling someone I don’t want to see them again, but I know they deserve that respect from me.

So when I see someone who ghosted me in the past come across my feed, it’s usually weird emotions. I usually am angry about what they did and I have no interest in hearing what they might have to say. Rarely, I will swipe right to see if we will match. I don’t know what I expect if I match someone who ghosted me, but for some reason, I will have a pull to consider giving someone another chance. And it usually doesn’t end in anything good. The best example of that is when I gave someone another chance and they ghosted me again. But it did give me a sense of closure that I didn’t have before. The first ghosting hurt and made me wonder what I did wrong. The second ghosting showed me that they really are an inconsiderate person and that I don’t have any interest in being with someone who would treat me like that.

For some reason in the past few weeks, I have been seeing more and more guys from my past on dating apps. Maybe they were seeing someone and it ended and they are all getting back on the apps now. I don’t know why it’s happening so much now, but I have also been a bit more open to giving people second chances or at least trying to hear them out. So I have swiped right on a few of them and have matched with 2. One guy technically didn’t ghost me, it was more of a slow fade but I think I was more interested in continuing things than he was and he never said it.

But the second one really did ghost me and I have always wondered what happened. But after matching with him again, I question if I care to see what his excuse or explanation is. He doesn’t live that close to me so when we went out it usually was a big ordeal to figure out traffic. And after matching with him again I realized that he was either lying about his age before or now. I think he’s lying now, but 4 years ago he had his age as 37 and now he has it as 34. I know that some people lie about their age, but it always makes me wonder what the end game is for them when they do that. They will have to reveal the truth if they want to see someone more than just casually and I would always wonder what else they were lying about. But since it doesn’t take me much effort to text with him and hear him out, I will give him a chance but proceed with caution.

I know that I have learned things from everyone that I have gone out with, but sometimes there is something that makes me wonder if our story was really over. There are some people who will never get a second chance (like those who have hurt me or lied about serious things such as being married), but I am trying to be open to opportunities in dating and elsewhere in my life. So giving someone from my past a potential second chance could lead to something. But I also know that giving someone a chance doesn’t give them a free pass either. So if they want another chance beyond matching and texting, they do have to earn it.

You Might Also Like

Dating App Patterns (or Losing Hope But Trying To Stay Hopeful) Working On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting) Still Figuring Out Dating During COVID (or Phone Calls, Video Chats, And Social Distances Meetups) Still Figuring Out Dating During The Pandemic (or Some Things Are The Same And Some Things Are Different) More Pandemic Dating Stories (or I Can’t Wait Until I Have More Normal Dating Problems) The Same Dating Issues As Always (or Maybe It’s For The Best Things Aren’t Really Happening)

I haven’t written about dating for a little while, and that’s honestly because I haven’t had a lot to write about. I am getting a bit burnt out with dating apps, but I also know they are almost a necessary evil. So I’m trying to set times to make an effort but I’m not as focused on them as I was in the past. I also have so many other things happening in my life right now so finding time to go on dates isn’t as easy as it normally is.

I don’t know if I’d say we are in a post-pandemic world since the pandemic isn’t really over, but it’s not the same as it was at the beginning of the pandemic. So I guess I’ve experienced pre-pandemic, pandemic, and almost post-pandemic dating at this point. And honestly, there haven’t been a lot of things that have been different when comparing each time. The biggest difference was during the worst of the pandemic, I was trying to date before seeing someone in real life since you had to have a lot of trust in them to risk things like that. I’m glad that we are pretty much past that point in the pandemic and as long as you are meeting in an outdoor space, it’s pretty safe. I know you still have to be cautious and we can’t be quite as carefree as before, but I’m glad it’s better.

But besides that main difference, so much is still the same and it’s really frustrating. The lack of follow-through and getting ghosted are at the top of my annoyance list. Being ghosted always sucks and I hate it. I haven’t really been ghosted much lately, but that’s only because I haven’t had a lot of dates recently. And I don’t know if I count someone that I’m messaging with who stops responding as someone who ghosted me. I know some people do think of it as the same thing, and I can see why they would think that. But for me, it’s a bit different.

But messaging someone who stops responding goes along with the idea of lack of follow-through. There are so many guys I have talked to who have asked me if I wanted to meet up with them in person and I’ve agreed. But then when it comes to making plans, they just don’t say much. There was someone recently who asked me to meet them for coffee, and I agreed. They asked me when I was free and I gave them a few options. They responded that they would need to check their schedule and get back to me. Maybe I’m wrong for following up with them after not hearing back for a few days, but I try to give people chances. But more often than not, either they don’t respond to my follow-up or they give me another non-specific answer or leave things up in the air. I don’t know if they are just flakey people or if they never really wanted to meet up in person. Either way, I’m over that feeling and dealing with it. I know I have to allow for some flexibility and I can’t expect that someone wouldn’t have something that requires them to postpone (I’ve had to reschedule before), but unless there is a plan happening after we’ve made plans to meet in person, I don’t have to just sit and wait for them to let me know when they are ready for me.

I have so much other stress and frustration in my life right now, so maybe it’s for the best that I haven’t been able to make plans with anyone. My time should be spent working on moving and focusing on that. I’ve been busy pretty much every day after work for over a week now and I’m glad I used that time for stuff related to the move. If I was actually dating someone and not just going on first dates that might not lead anywhere, maybe I would feel differently. But for now, my time is better spent on stuff I know I need to do this month and not things that only have the potential to be something. But once I’m moved into my new place, I hope that I feel a bit reinvigorated and will be back to my regular dating style and maybe things will be a bit better.

You Might Also Like

Still Figuring Out Dating During The Pandemic (or Some Things Are The Same And Some Things Are Different) More Thoughts On Pandemic Dating (or I Wish I Didn’t Miss Dating As Much) More Pandemic Dating Stories (or I Can’t Wait Until I Have More Normal Dating Problems) Working On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting) Even More Pandemic Dating Adventures (or Getting Out Of The House) More Thoughts On Online Dating (or Not Letting My Past Dictate My Future)

Since I put myself out on dating apps again, my dating life seems to have a few different patterns it typically follows. And none of these patterns are really that great and it’s really frustrating.

The first (and most common pattern): I match with someone on a dating app. Either they message me if they can or I send the first message. If they message me, often it’s just “Hi” or an emoji and I respond and don’t hear back from them again. Or if I send the first message with an opening line that usually asks a question so they have something to respond to and I never hear from them (or if it’s Bumble, the match goes away after 24 hours). This is annoying, and I never understand why they would keep a match that they have no interest in talking to. Being unmatched after matching isn’t fun, but at least I can understand that behavior more.

The next pattern I see a lot is that I match with someone and we have a great back and forth messaging for a while. Sometimes this is for a day, sometimes it’s for a few days or a week. Occasionally, there is discussion about meeting up in person since I’d rather meet in real life over texting. And then, the next day I might message them to continue the conversation and I never hear from them again. I think some of these guys are using dating apps as something to boost their egos and only want to know that someone might be interested in them. I hate that I can’t figure out who might be this type of person before I have some hope that I might be able to meet them, but there aren’t necessarily signs leading up to this. Everything seems normal until it doesn’t.

And the most annoying pattern is when I’m messaging someone and all of a sudden the conversation takes a hard turn. This can be within the first day of messaging or even weeks later (if I’m messaging someone that long before I have the chance to meet them). And the turn usually goes from a normal conversation into them sending me a nude picture or their attempt to turn the conversation really sexual when it wasn’t like that at all before. I’ve had guys who have responded to my opening line, ask me something in return, and then their response to my answer is a naked photo. I will never know why guys do that, I highly doubt that many women have responded to a nude photo with something positive. Maybe they think they just need to keep trying and eventually someone will react the way they hope?

Of course, not every guy I match with on dating apps falls into these patterns. I think the main reason I still use apps is because of the ones that are different. They don’t happen often, but often enough that just when I’m feeling hopeless I get a new burst of hope and keep going. And I know that I don’t need every guy I match with to respond or be a person I want to meet. While it is a bit of a numbers game, it’s not a numbers game that way. I don’t need dozens of perfect matches. I just need one.

I wish that knowing these patterns happen so frequently would make it not as bad when it happens. But it does still bother me, especially when I’ve been talking to someone for a few days and they either stop responding or turn the conversation into something I’m not ok with. But I am not going to give up just yet and I just have to keep going. And I have to hope that pattern changes sometime soon.

You Might Also Like

Still Figuring Out Dating During COVID (or Phone Calls, Video Chats, And Social Distances Meetups) More Pandemic Dating Stories (or I Can’t Wait Until I Have More Normal Dating Problems) Dating App Whirlwind (or I’m Glad I Only Wasted 15 Minutes) A Weird Dating Milestone (or At Least I Know I’m Trying) Another Dating App Ban (or This Is What Makes Me Over Things) Dating In Isolation (or Another Thing I’m Trying To Keep Normal)

I know I just wrote about dating the other day. But honestly, it’s one of the few things I do that isn’t just about me being isolated at home. It’s still not super easy to figure out how to go out and date, but doing virtual dates or phone calls at least makes me feel a bit less isolated. And I know that this past year and a half has really taught me what I’m looking for in another person because I know my limits for being alone. I have always known I didn’t need a boyfriend or husband, but I wanted one. But now I know more about how I could fit someone into my life and what type of support I would want from another person. And I think being clearer on what I’m looking for is one of the things that keeps me going on dating apps when it can be so overwhelming and upsetting.

Before the pandemic, I would always try to meet up with someone as soon as possible. You can have amazing chemistry over text and not have it in person. There are some people who are only on dating apps just to text and get an ego boost. So meeting in person can help eliminate those who have no interest in meeting at all and those with who you don’t have great chemistry with.

And it is a little easier now to feel ok meeting up in person. Especially with people very happy to share that they are vaccinated (I wouldn’t meet with someone who said they weren’t vaccinated right now). And so many have their vaccination cards on their profiles which is nice. And even though I don’t feel safe going to a lot of places, I know I can still find places to have dates. And that’s what I did this week.

I matched with someone last week and we were texting for a few days before having a phone call. And it was a really great call and we ended up talking for hours. I try to not get too excited before meeting in person, but I was thinking he could be a really great match for me. A lot of what we talked about were more intense topics than you’d normally discuss with someone new, but it also allowed us to know we were on the same page with a lot of things. He agreed to come to my part of LA and we decided to meet up in downtown Culver City where there are a lot of nice places to sit outside and talk.

I knew I’d get there first because it’s so close to my house. So I found a nice picnic table to sit at and wait for him to arrive. It’s been really hot in LA, but I was in the shade and it was starting to cool down. So I was just enjoying the view and being outside while waiting.

And he ended up being about an hour late. It wasn’t really his fault and we were texting while he was late. But where we met has a similar name to another location and his rideshare driver convinced him that he was going to the wrong place. He wasn’t, but he didn’t know so the driver took him to a different location that was about a mile or two away. He was confused about where I was and I told him he went to the wrong place. So he walked over to where I was. I can’t fault him for being late since he really didn’t know and if his rideshare driver didn’t think they knew better, he would have been on time. And I was enjoying the people watching so it didn’t seem like I was waiting that long.

And unfortunately, we just didn’t click and connect in person the way we had on the phone or over text. I know he was upset about being late, but I told him that it was fine and I wasn’t upset. And if I wasn’t ok waiting, I would have left. I don’t know what was making our meeting so awkward for me, but it wasn’t the usual awkwardness from a first date or meeting. It was just more of a sense of knowing this isn’t someone I’m meant to date. I tried to give him a chance, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. I ended up staying later than I originally planned to since I wanted to see if my feelings changed. And when I said goodbye, I didn’t imply that I felt the way I did (but I didn’t say anything about seeing each other again either).

I hoped after that, he would message me saying he didn’t think we clicked so I could know we felt the same way. I know how much it can hurt when you think you are on a good date and then find out from the other person they didn’t feel the same way. But I also didn’t want to wait too long and leave him thinking something different. I hate to be the one to reject someone. I don’t want to hurt anyone. And I have the little voice in the back of my head saying to me that I have no right to reject someone because I don’t deserve anything good. But I knew I had to say something.

I sent him a message saying that I was grateful we could meet and thanking him for coming to my side of town, but that I didn’t think we clicked in person the same way we did on the phone. And I wished him luck and told him that I hoped he found someone amazing because I know he deserves that. And I don’t know if he felt the same way or what, but his response back to me was very low key and just thanking me and saying that sounds good. After his messages, I unmatched with him since I knew he saw my rejection. And I can move on.

Even though I know he and I weren’t a good match, I still have that annoying voice in my head making me question it. I hate being the bad guy, but I had to. I know more than ever now the type of person I deserve and what I want, and this guy just didn’t match that. He’s not a bad person or anything, he just wasn’t what I’m looking for. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I just have to keep telling the voice in my head that same thing.

You Might Also Like

More Pandemic Dating Stories (or I Can’t Wait Until I Have More Normal Dating Problems) Still Trying To Figure Out Pandemic Dating (or Sometimes You Can’t Plan For Things) More Thoughts On Pandemic Dating (or I Wish I Didn’t Miss Dating As Much) Still Figuring Out Dating During The Pandemic (or Some Things Are The Same And Some Things Are Different) Still Figuring Out Dating During COVID (or Phone Calls, Video Chats, And Social Distances Meetups) More Thoughts On Online Dating (or Not Letting My Past Dictate My Future)

I know that I often write about negative things about dating or dating apps. And this is going to be another negative story. But I also want to say that it’s not all horrible and bad. But the good stories tend to not be as interesting to share. There are plenty of guys I’ve gone out with and had a nice date but it didn’t go any further. Sometimes I’m the one who declines a second date and sometimes it’s the guy. And yes, sometimes they tell me by ghosting me and that’s not fun. But for the most part, the dates I go on are either good or neutral. They are rarely really bad.

And it’s even rarer when I don’t even make it on a date and it turns out really bad. I have gotten a lot of messages that have taken a turn really quickly and they went from seeming nice to writing something really dirty or gross. And that’s annoying, but it’s easy enough to unmatch with someone and block them or report them if I feel like that’s necessary. I no longer have a lot of tolerance for messages that feel inappropriate and I’ll admit that I’m quick to unmatch. But I also don’t feel like I need to entertain someone’s bad behavior. If they seem like they made a bad joke, I might see if things change back. But I don’t have to keep giving strangers multiple chances, especially when they should be on their best behavior when they are just starting to message with me.

And then sometimes, things take a turn for the worst so quickly that I am completely shocked. And that’s what happened to me the other day.

I matched with someone new the other day. This match was on Bumble, so I had to message him first. I have a few different go-to opening lines that hopefully will start a conversation, so I asked him what question he wished someone would ask him on Bumble that he is never asked. He wrote back saying he’d like to know how his matches like to take care of others. It was a bit of an odd answer, but nothing too bad. We exchanged another message or two and then he called me. You can make voice and video calls through Bumble (which I like because I’d prefer not to give out my number until I meet someone in real life), but most people don’t make calls. This guy’s profile did mention he required a call before meeting (which I don’t require but can respect), but I wasn’t expecting him to call him so quickly.

And the call got off to a weird start. I know I was awkward. I was in the middle of doing some work around my house and not in the best headspace to talk on the phone (but I also felt weird declining the call). He said that he requires calls so I should be surprised, but I would have expected him to ask me if I could talk at the time or try to set up a good time to talk later. Then he went into what felt like a very rehearsed introduction. He said his name, what he does, how he doesn’t live in LA but is moving here soon, and a few other details about himself. He sped through saying it all so it was hard to catch everything he said, but I tried to listen. And then I told him a little about myself, but not quite as much as he shared with me.

He asked me about being an actor and joked how I was just another struggling actress in LA. I was really taken aback by that statement and said that while I might not make my living as an actor right now that I wouldn’t call myself struggling (I might consider myself that a bit, but he doesn’t need to know that). Then he asked me why I swiped right on him. Honestly, I was wondering that myself at that point. I said something like how he seemed interesting and I’m trying to give more people chances. And then I asked him why he swiped right on me.

He said he didn’t. He pays for Bumble and when you pay you can see who has already swiped right on you (I pay for this as well and have access to do the same, but I swipe through the feed too). He said that he doesn’t swipe himself, he only approves of the women who already swiped right on him. And he doesn’t look at their profiles or photos. He approves everyone and then decides if they are worthwhile when he talks to them. He went on and on about how he gets 400 matches a day and that he doesn’t have time to look at any profiles so he needs the women to explain why they are good matches to him. Basically, he wanted me to sell myself to him to try to convince him to want to date me. And I don’t need to do that.

I don’t need to be a living breathing version of my profile when someone claims they can’t waste time reading my profile. I have no interest in talking to someone who only matched with me because I swiped on them and that they have no interest in me until I prove it to him. I have nothing I owe someone or need to prove to them. If they want to date me and I want to date them, then awesome. But I’m not going to fawn all over someone just because they matched with me to get a date with them.

I’ll admit that I called this guy a few choice names before ending the call and unmatching and blocking him. I also reported him for a few things he called me that were inappropriate. From the time that he and I matched to the time that I blocked him was only 15 minutes. It felt like it was so much longer and I also couldn’t believe how much happen in that short of time. But I am grateful that I didn’t waste more time on someone who didn’t seem like a decent person.

I know that his profile got removed (I doubt I was the only one to complain about his behavior), but I have seen a new profile by him so I blocked that as well. And hopefully I’m able to block any future profiles he might create. I don’t have any desire to talk to this guy again. Even if he’s changed his ways and now acts more normal on apps, I gave him a chance and don’t feel the need to give him another chance.

And I was mad and annoyed at the time when this all happened because it is frustrating when I waste time and find out a match isn’t someone I’d really want to talk to. But it also gives me another funny and crazy story to share about my adventures in online dating. And at least others can get some entertainment out of what happens to me.

You Might Also Like

A Weird Dating Milestone (or At Least I Know I’m Trying) Another Dating App Ban (or This Is What Makes Me Over Things) Dating In Isolation (or Another Thing I’m Trying To Keep Normal) More Pandemic Dating Stories (or I Can’t Wait Until I Have More Normal Dating Problems) Getting Banned From Tinder (or No Regrets Calling Out A Cheater) More Thoughts On Pandemic Dating (or I Wish I Didn’t Miss Dating As Much)