Tag Archives: nervous

MRI Prep Work (or Vampire Victim and Nerves)

Posted on November 5, 2019 | Comments Off on MRI Prep Work (or Vampire Victim and Nerves)

I’ve got my liver MRI coming up this week. I haven’t had an MRI in a year, and I’m glad that I decided to do one this year. My liver surgeon gave me the option of waiting 2 years instead of 1 after my last appointment, but I think that would have been too long to wait. I’m still wondering what is going on with my tumors and I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if I still had to wait another year before I found out.

I’m trying to not be nervous about the MRI, but I can’t help it. I still am scared that for some reason my tumors will be bigger. I know that it’s a really tiny chance that could happen, but I know that I’m also the person who gets the 1 in a million situations. I’m nervous about the MRI itself. I know I’ve done so many of these by now, but they still aren’t routine for me yet. I have been very lucky that my claustrophobic hasn’t been an issue while in the MRI machine. I think it helps that I can tilt my head back and see the room behind me. If I was in head first, I think that would be much worse. I’m nervous about getting the IV as well. I hate needles and that is always something I struggle with.

But I did get one of the needles out of the way last week. Before getting an MRI where they use contrast, you have to get bloodwork done. Because of the contrast they use, they have to make sure that your kidneys can filter it out of your body. I’ve never had kidney issues (although I have been told that I have a small cyst on one kidney, that’s never been discussed more with me other than telling me it’s there), so I know that I shouldn’t worry when I get my kidneys checked before my MRI. But I do worry because you never know when things will change. And of course, because it’s bloodwork, I have the needle to worry about.

I decided to do my pre-MRI bloodwork on Halloween this year. I happened to have that afternoon free so the timing was good. Plus, I was able to make the joke that my costume was a vampire victim. I know that the needles don’t leave a huge mark, but I do usually have a bruise when it’s done.

The last time I had bloodwork, there was a huge line and a long wait from when I checked in until I was seen. That time it was also worse because I was nauseous that day. This time, I was feeling good so I wasn’t dealing with nausea. And when I checked in, I barely had enough time to take a photo of my number before I was called to one of the stations.

Since it was only one thing they were checking with the blood, they only had to collect one vial. I warned the nurse like I warn anyone putting a needle in my skin about my issues with them. I let her know I might pass out or get very tense but that it was ok and she didn’t have to call anyone to take me to urgent care or the ER. I think the warning freaked her out a bit, but I know when I don’t warn the nurses that things are worse. Even though the nurse decided not to warn me about when she was going to stick me, I did ok. I did have the blacking out/tensing up moment that I’m used to, but it wasn’t as bad as it’s been before. And only a few minutes after I got to the hospital, I was already on my way out.

I’ve been trying to not think too much about the MRI this week, but it’s hard not to. For some reason, it seems like I get another thing from the hospital every day to prepare me. I have gotten appointment reminders, text alerts, and paperwork with what to expect during an MRI. I didn’t review that paperwork since I’ve done this before and I know I still have to fill out a form confirming I know all this information when I go in for the MRI. I won’t find out for a while about the tumors due to when I could get an appointment, so I know the time between the scan and my appointment will also be nerve-racking. But soon I’ll be past this and hopefully, everything will either be the same or better and I won’t have to worry about it again for at least another year.

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Default ThumbnailBack To Focusing On Health (or Back To Back Doctor Appointments) Default ThumbnailA Boring Tumor Check In (or Still A Miracle) Default ThumbnailAnother Liver MRI (or Not As Routine As Always) Default ThumbnailMRI Time (or I Think Being Calm Is Helping) Default ThumbnailTime For Another MRI (or Still Trying To Stay Calm) Default ThumbnailGetting Ready To See My Liver Surgeon Again (or My Annual MRI)

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More Medical Stuff (or My First Biopsy)

Posted on September 5, 2018 | Comments Off on More Medical Stuff (or My First Biopsy)

Heads up to everyone: Just like with my IUD post, this post is a frank and honest discussion about a biopsy I had done. If the idea of reading about medical procedures or female health makes you uncomfortable or squeamish, you might want to skip this post.

Over the years, I’ve had a lot of random medical conditions and medical tests. I joke to my parents that this has happened to me because I was raised in a family that worked in the medical field so somehow everything seems to happen to me. More often than not, I’m not that concerned about what I find out because I can talk to my parents and get a lot of answers. The only thing that really scared me recently was my tumor, but everything else has been something I just viewed as something new to experience and not something to be fearful of what I will find out.

Last year at my annual appointment with my OB/GYN, I had all the regular tests run as I try to stay on top of all health things including my reproductive health. Everything came back fine, but my OB/GYN let me know that I tested positive for high-risk HPV. For those of you who don’t know that is, here’s some quick information about it (for more information, check out this page). High risk HPV is not the type that can give you warts (that’s low risk HPV). High risk HPV is something that approximately 90% of women will get at one point (currently there is no test for men to see if they have it, but I’d bet numbers are similar). It is contracted by skin to skin contact and a majority of people will fight it off on their own in 1-3 years. If you can’t fight it off, it can lead to cancer but HPV only causes about 3% of cancer in women.

I have no idea who exposed me to this, but it really doesn’t matter. It’s not that big of a deal and it’s normally not something to worry about. I did have the HPV vaccine when I was 24, but that doesn’t protect you against all strains of high risk or low risk HPV. That’s why it’s so important to get checked every year to make sure you are fine. When I was told about this last year, I also knew my Pap smear came back normal so it wasn’t something we had to take action on immediately. My OB/GYN let me know that if my body didn’t fight it off in a year then we would have some more steps to take.

And as much as I would have loved for my body to fight it off within a year, I knew that with my history and the odds I seem to have that it wouldn’t be the case. And I was right. I tested positive for it again with another normal Pap smear. But because my OB/GYN wants to make sure that everything is fine with me and I want to do what I need to do to make sure I’m healthy, I had my first biopsy last week.

I was very fortunate that not only do I have an amazing OB/GYN who is super open and honest with me and could tell me everything I needed to, I was able to talk to my parents about this as well as some friends who have had it done. I knew that this was not being done because my doctor was worried about me but as a precaution to make sure there is nothing we need to watch (kind of the same reason I get mammograms). I still was nervous that this would hurt, but I had been told by friends that getting an IUD was worse so I knew I would be fine with just some painkillers and I could drive myself.

While I wasn’t scared for the results, I was nervous about the procedure and the room I was in for it seemed a bit scarier that the normal exam room to me.

But there wasn’t really anything too scary. I think it was more of being in a room that I hadn’t been in before and the unknown factor. I joked to my doctor that of course she put me in the scary room but she calmed me down quickly and we got started with the biopsy.

The procedure only took a few minutes and it wasn’t that bad. After getting the speculum in, my cervix was washed with a vinegar solution that helps make the cells easier to see. This didn’t hurt and wasn’t uncomfortable, it was just a bit cold. Then my doctor used a colposcope to see my cervix better. The colposcope is a machine that helps to illuminate and magnify things for your doctor. That was also when my doctor decided which biopsies I would need. She determined that I would not need the biopsy where they take a sample from the bottom of my cervix to check the cells as everything looked normal. Then we moved on to the biopsy I did have done.

The biopsy I had took cells from the inside of my cervix where you really can’t see the cells during the exam. There was a small tool used to scrape some of the cells off, similar to what is done during a Pap smear. But this was a little bit longer so I was prepared for it to be more than a tiny pinch. I knew it probably wouldn’t hurt, but of course I was worried that it would. But my friends were right and it didn’t hurt. I did feel it and it was a bit uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t say it was painful. I described it to my doctor as almost like a headache or scratch happening inside my body. It was about 10 seconds long and then that was done. I did feel a bit of a cramp when I sat up after the biopsy and I had some cramps for the next few days, but it wasn’t bad and I didn’t really need painkillers for that long.

Because my Pap smears have been normal and everything looked normal with the visual exam, my doctor is expecting my biopsy to come back normal as well. And if that happens, I go back in a year for my normal exam and hopefully my tests will show that my body has fought off the high risk HPV. And even if the biopsy shows that there are mild abnormality in the cells, I don’t have to go back for a year. It’s only if they appear severely abnormal that I would go back soon for another test. But again, that is not something my doctor is expecting because of all the normal test results I have had.

I should be getting my biopsy results back in the next few days (things were delayed because of the weekend and holiday). And hopefully next year all my tests will come back normal so I don’t have to do another biopsy. But if I do, at least I know what it’s like now and I don’t need to be scared. And I know that for most people hearing a test result isn’t normal or negative can be scary. I wanted to share my experience so others can know it doesn’t need to be. While I don’t love having random medical things happen to me, I’m glad that I can share on here so hopefully someone else going through it can see what I went through and can stop feeling as scared.

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Being More Stressed Than Necessary (or Not The Best Dentist Visit)

Posted on August 28, 2018 | Comments Off on Being More Stressed Than Necessary (or Not The Best Dentist Visit)

Even though I really hate going to the dentist and it has caused me lots of panic attacks over the years, I never skip going to an appointment. And lately things have been much better for me and the panic and stress I feel before an appointment have gone down. I don’t think I’ll ever say I enjoy going to the dentist, but it’s not as bad as it has been in the past. But this month, I was supposed to go to the dentist a few weeks ago and I had to change my appointment the morning of.

Unfortunately, my dentist appointment happened to land on a day that was an exceptionally bad nausea day. I was hoping that morning that things would get better, but about 2 hours before my appointment I realized that I couldn’t go. I didn’t want to risk throwing up at the appointment, especially since my head is the lowest part of my body when I’m in the dentist chair. Usually there is a fee for rescheduling the day off, but since I never do this the office was able to waive it for me. And they also were able to reschedule the appointment for this week when I knew it was very unlikely to have a bad nausea day.

While I was grateful for getting the appointment moved, it actually ended up causing me so much anxiety. I always am worried I will get horrible news about my teeth at the appointment and in my head I was thinking that waiting the extra 2 weeks for my appointment would make things so much worse. In reality, I know this really couldn’t be true. If there was something wrong with my teeth, 2 weeks wouldn’t make a huge difference. And if it would make a huge difference, it probably would have been something that was seen when I was there a few months ago. But still, knowing that my anxiety was a bit crazy wasn’t helping me and making it go away. So the past 2 weeks I was on edge about it all.

When I went in for my appointment yesterday, I was a huge bundle of nerves when I arrived. I was shaking and couldn’t get all the anxious thoughts out of my head. I am so lucky that the hygienist I work with understands my anxiety so she does things to help make them better. She checked my teeth first to see if there was anything that concerned her and she was able to tell me that there was nothing there that seemed like something to monitor. That helps the anxiety go away a bit. It’s still not fun while my teeth get cleaned and I’m always pinching myself or doing something else to distract me from what’s happening. It doesn’t necessarily hurt, but I still have the feeling that something is going to go wrong.

One of the reasons I was feeling that way is because I’ve been dealing with some odd things with my teeth and gums. Usually during the time that I have PMS symptoms, my gums bleed when I brush my teeth and occasionally there is a tooth that feels not right. Sometimes it feels like I have a tooth that is loose, but when I feel it the tooth feels normal. I brought this up during my dentist appointment and it turns out these things are not uncommon. Hormonal changes can do weird things and having bleeding gums or teeth that might feel loose are a symptom of some inflammation that can happen due to hormones. I was relieved to know that it was not a sign of something wrong, but I know that each time it happens I will be a bit paranoid that it’s the sign of something else besides hormonal inflammation.

Once my appointment was done, I finally felt normal again. I was not shaking and I could get the panicky thoughts out of my head. It was weird to have such a panicky dentist appointment since they have been much better lately. I’m glad that my panic was all in my head and nothing was wrong, but I also know that delaying my appointment might have contributed to this as well. So I’m going to try not to have to change my appointment that close to the date again. I am hoping that the timing of when I scheduled my next appointment will work, but I also know now to take a look at things a month ahead to make sure it should be fine with when I feel nauseous.

I hate feeling anxious, panicky, and stressed going to the dentist; but it’s also not the worst thing either. As my hygienist mentioned at my appointment, this also means I’m very aware of what is happening with my teeth. I know that genetically I don’t have great teeth and that I have to be on top of taking care of them. I have a good electric toothbrush, floss pretty much every day, and use the toothpaste and mouthwash that my dentist recommends. And I go every 4 months to make sure everything is fine. This is a much better situation to be in than if I was ignoring problems or not paying attention to what’s happening until it’s too late.

I’m just glad I made it through this appointment and I’m hoping that maybe my anxiety level will go back down to where it was last time before my next appointment.

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More Prepared Than Necessary (or Splitting Up Dentist Appointments)

Posted on May 2, 2018 | 2 comments

I had a dentist appointment this week and as always I was a bit nervous. My panic attacks at the dentist are still significantly less than they have been in the past, but I still don’t enjoy going in. And I was a little more nervous than normal for a few reasons.

First, this was the bigger appointment that I have once a year where I have a cleaning plus seeing the dentist. Seeing the dentist includes x-rays (which I don’t love) plus having him see if there is any teeth that need a bit of work. I’ve been lucky lately that I’ve needed only minimal work but I’m always scared that I’ll need something more significant. And I was also a bit more nervous than normal because at my last appointment I was told that there was a spot on one tooth that probably does need some more work.

First I saw the hygienist for the cleaning and I told her to tell me immediately if the dentist was going to say I needed work done. She checked the tooth she warned me about last time and confirmed that if I didn’t have a filling done soon that it would turn into a cavity. This would be minor work, but it’s still something bigger than normal and would require a shot. But beyond that one tooth, she didn’t see anything else that looked like it would need work or require to be watched.

The cleaning went pretty easily. I was feeling pretty nauseous still that day so I was worried that things would get really bad. But my medications were helping and I didn’t have to really take any breaks to let the nausea pass. I did have a moment when the chair was leaning back that I was terrified I would throw up, but I took deep breaths and that feeling passed without anything that bad happening. I don’t think I will ever like going in for my teeth being cleaned, but at least it’s quick and tolerable now for me.

After the cleaning, I moved over to the chair where x-rays are done and where you meet with the dentist to discuss things. I was mentally prepared for him to say I needed to be back for a filling soon (I joked to the hygienist that I wished it could have been done that day since I was already there and nervous) but I was still a bit nervous he would have some more bad news for me. It didn’t help that there was a woman in another chair getting work done that seemed to be in a lot of pain. I tried to ignore her and just stay calm.

Usually the assistant would come over to do the x-rays and then I’d see the dentist. So I was surprised to see the dentist and hygienist coming over to talk to me. The dentist explained that he was in the middle of an emergency root canal that he was not expecting to do while I was there. He wouldn’t have time for me to have my appointment with him but he knew I knew I needed a filling on a tooth. So he asked if I’d be ok coming back in a week to do my appointment with him and they would be able to do the filling at the same time.

Of course I said that would be fine, but I still wish I could have gotten the appointment with him done. I know there was no way to do the filling that same day, but at least I would know for sure that I was only have 1 filling done. Now I’m just hoping that it will only be 1 filling that I’m having done when I go back next week. But I also know that even if I knew that I’d still be nervous while waiting for the next appointment.

I was totally prepared for both of the appointments and to be told that I would need a filling. While I didn’t have all of that happen in one day, it will happen between the appointment I had and the one I have coming up. And at least I am a little bit confident that I won’t be getting any worse news when I’m back for the next appointment. But if I do, hopefully they can take care of it then along with the filling I’m having done.

I am so grateful that even though dentist appointments are still tough for me, they are getting easier and easier. And hopefully next week this filling will go super easily too and I can write another post about how I was prepared for something so much worse than reality.

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Being The New Employee (or Starting Yet Another Day Job)

Posted on August 28, 2014 | 2 comments

I started my new day job this week. It’s box office/customer service work for a murder mystery theater group. They have locations all over the country, so we are considered a national box office.

Everyone started a week before I did (I’m not sure the exact reason, but it worked out well for me). So a lot of the kinks in the system were figured out before I started.

But since this is work from home, I don’t have anyone around to answer questions for me.

Thankfully, this is much easier than my other box office job (or the telesales job). There is a spreadsheet with all the information that we need to know. And if things get too specific or someone needs to know something about a particular location, we just email that location and they take it from there.

I have to answer questions over the phone and also on online chats, so that’s a little new for me.

My first day was Tuesday (this job is Tuesday-Saturday) and it was pretty scary. The phones are weird because they ring for all of us at the same time (there are 4 of us in different locations around the country). So sometimes I’d answer the phone but someone else got it a split second ahead of me. Then I’d hear a dial tone.

I was terrified that I was doing something wrong with the phones, so I kept emailing another employee asking her a million questions. Thankfully, she was patient with me and understood that it’s tough when you are working alone at a new job.

After my second day, I’m starting to get a hang of it, but it’s still a little scary. I’m worried that I’ll get asked some crazy question and have no idea what to do (it’s happened plenty at my other box office job). I’m just trying to remind myself to stay calm and not to be afraid to ask questions to other employees.

This isn’t my first work from home job, but it seems different from all the others. This is the first time that I have to wait for the work to come to me, instead of me initiating the work like I did with my headhunter assistant job. I’m learning that it’s ok for me to step away from my desk for a second to get a drink of water or something because I’m never more than a few steps away from my phone or computer (the benefit of living in a tiny house).

I’m so happy that I finally have a job with regular hours again. And I’m ok with feeling nervous. When I started my telesales job, it was my first telesales (or any type of sales) job ever. I was so scared and would hope that people wouldn’t answer their phones. But by my second year at that job, I ended up being the assistant manager.

I’m not expecting to get any sort of promotions with this new job (it really isn’t set up to be that way), but I keep reminding myself that in time I will be comfortable with this new job and it will feel easy to me. And having regular money coming in will be really nice too.

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Trying To Stay Calm (or Not Letting Panic Take Over)

Posted on April 26, 2013 | Comments Off on Trying To Stay Calm (or Not Letting Panic Take Over)

Today, I’m heading out to San Francisco for the weekend. I’m going to be staying with my brother and his fiancée and the main event for the trip is my future sister-in-law’s wedding dress fitting.

This trip was planned back in August, so I’ve known about it for a long time. But over the past few days, I’ve been getting increasingly panicky about the trip.

I’ve talked about my panic attacks before. Many of them are caused by something that I don’t know. But besides going to the dentist, one of the main reasons I get panic attacks is traveling and going or doing something unknown.

When I travel to see my parents, I know exactly what the airport is like, where I meet my parents to pick me up, when I call them to get me. Everything is easy because I’ve done it so many times before.

But I’ve never flown into the San Francisco airport (I’ve once flown out of it). This time, I’m taking public transportation to meet my brother at a location closer to his apartment where he will pick me up and take me to his place.

These are all unknowns. I’ve done a ton of research on the public transportation from the airport so it will seem at least a little familiar to me, but I’m still freaking out. And I know that this feeling won’t go away until I do it (it will lessen a bit when I take my panic meds right before flying, but I’m waiting until closer to flying time to take them).

My poor parents have both already talked with me while I’m panicky (my mom got to deal with a long rambling phone call where I feel like I must have sounded drunk). I know that they are trying to ease my stress and fears, but I know from past experience that nothing makes this go away until I finish the task.

I felt the same way when I did the Hollywood Half 5K. I didn’t know the course going into the event. I researched it a ton online, looked at Google street view, but I was still so nervous and panicky until I crossed the finish line.

I’m starting to realize that maybe I should treat my panic attacks the same way I treat my eating disorder. I know that I will have my eating disorder the rest of my life, I just have to get used to managing it. I will most likely have panic attacks the rest of my life. Instead of trying to avoid them, maybe I need to accept them and work on overcoming each one as they come.

Even knowing that, I can’t wait until I can take my meds, get on the plane, and get safely to my brother’s place so this will all be over! Well, until Sunday when I have to fly home.

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Trip Prep (or Guess I’ll Find Out Who Reads My Blog Soon)

Posted on November 20, 2012 | Comments Off on Trip Prep (or Guess I’ll Find Out Who Reads My Blog Soon)

It’s almost time for my Thanksgiving trip! Thanksgiving is a big holiday for my mom’s side of the family. We all get together every year. It rotates whose house it’s at, and this year it’s at my parents’ place.

I’ve been busy getting all my clothes and stuff ready for the trip (Thanksgiving is casual but we also have a fancy dinner for my grandma’s birthday another night). I’m also helping out my mom a bit by doing the place cards, so I’m bringing those in my suitcase. And I also have Hanukkah presents for my mom, dad, brother and his fiancée (it’s cheaper than shipping it all to them).

There will be 15 members of my family over 4 generations at Thanksgiving this year. I personally thinks that’s awesome and I feel lucky that we are all able to gather every year.

I’m so excited to see my relatives. My cousin is expecting her 3rd baby and we are going to find out the gender tomorrow! My cousin’s son and I have a super special bond and I can’t wait to see him and hear all about his adventures in school. And there’s one aunt that I’m super close to (we speak every week), and I’m happy to see her in person to discuss all of our favorite TV shows.

But I’m also a little nervous this year. I know that there are some of my relatives who read this because they’ve mentioned something to me. But then there are other relatives who I have no idea if they’ve read any posts or even know that I have this blog. I have revealed things on here that I’ve never discussed with my family, and I really don’t necessarily want it brought up at dinner.

Obviously, all of my family has known for years that I have a problem with my weight, but I don’t think anyone really knew that I have an eating disorder (and have been through some treatment for it). And I can guarantee that nobody in my family outside of my parents knew that I had any credit card debit.

I don’t want Thanksgiving to be any different this year know that I’ve made this information about my life public. I’m hoping that either we will casually discuss this blog or it doesn’t come up at all.

Just want dinner to be filled with our old traditions. Which include someone making a big announcement at dinner (it’s usually my cousin announcing she’s pregnant but I wonder what it will be this year), watching a kid’s movie at some point (this year, it’s “The Brave Little Toaster”), and something making us laugh so hard that we cry.

All of us (minus my cousin John) at Thanksgiving last year.

 

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Nerves vs. Excitement (or How to Think Positively)

Posted on October 4, 2012 | Comments Off on Nerves vs. Excitement (or How to Think Positively)

In my acting class on Tuesday night, I heard some advice that I’ve heard previously. But for some reason this was the time that the advice really stuck with me.

Nerves are just excitement that is labeled negatively.

This advice come from Jack Plotnick (you can read the whole story that goes along with that advice here).

This advice is perfect for my acting career. I don’t always get nervous for auditions. When the part seems so far away from who I am or what I look like, I don’t worry at all. But when the part I’m reading for sounds just like me and I fit the physical description perfectly, I’m usually a bundle of nerves.

But this advice also works out perfectly for the weight loss journey that I’m on right now. I’m so nervous if this will work this time. Ever other time I’ve lost 100 pounds (and there have been a few times), I’ve done it on some crazy diet plan like the Zone food delivery or on the RFO plan. But this time, I’m doing it the right way. I’m exercising more and being careful what I eat.

One thing that I’ve kept with me from my RFO days is how to figure out how many calories you need to be at any weight. The standard is 10 calories for every pound. So if you want to weigh 130 pounds, you have to have an average of 1300 calories a day. You can eat more if you burn calories exercising, but your daily average is 10 calories per pound.  But within the RFO program, there was a way to figure out our exact numbers. And I only get to have 9.3 calories per pound.

I’m not at the calories right now that I would have to be at to maintain the weight that I hope to be at. That seems a bit too low for me now. So I’m slowly working my way down to that. Once the number of calories I eat every day seems to be ok, I’ll drop my number by 50 calories.

I’m incredibly nervous that I’m never going to like this again:

But now I am going to think how excited I’m going to be when I get closer to my goal. I’m going to be excited to put on clothes that used to fit that now live in a storage bag under my bed. I’m excited to see what the future has in store for me.

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Comments Off on Nerves vs. Excitement (or How to Think Positively)

Posted in Acting, Food, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

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