Tag Archives: failure

Baby Steps (or Trying To Be Proud Of The Little Victories)

Posted on June 19, 2013 | 1 comment

For some reason, I can’t get it in my head that little victories are the steps that I need to take to get to big victories.

I should be ecstatic that I did my last 5K 10 seconds faster than my previous one. But all I can think about is how I am still over a minute slower than my goal time. But when I’ve talked about this with friends who run races, they talk about how they want to be 3 seconds faster or something like that. So 10 seconds (or 26 if you are counting how much faster I am now than my first timed one this year) is amazing.

I have the same issue celebrating my weight loss. I saw a friend online who mentioned that she lost 15 pounds since January and is now only 5 pounds away from her goal weight. That’s amazing! But for me, losing 20 pounds since I set my goal last year is not impressive at all. It’s a drop in the bucket for what I’m trying to do.

I know that in the past in my life, I’ve seen these victories as setbacks. Why have I only lost 20 pounds and not 60? Or 80? It’s a failure. This is why I hesitate to set goals for myself. If I don’t make it, I’ve failed. I haven’t had a partial win.

I don’t know how to change this mindset. I’ve discussed it in the past in therapy (I’ve stopped going because my new insurance doesn’t cover it and my therapist and I agreed that I was ok to stop). One of the things my therapist suggested doing was to not have goals for things related to my weight or health at all. That way, I’d never seem to fail.

But clearly, setting goals does work for me because I did my 5 5Ks in 6 months! Maybe I need to set goals that I can control more, but what counts as control? I should be able to control my weight, but it doesn’t work that way. I should be able to control my speed for my 5K, but again that doesn’t seem to happen for me.

I don’t know if I’m trying to get answers by writing this on here or what, but I needed to let it out. I know that I should be celebrating my 10 second victory this week, and I’m going to try to. I just wish that I didn’t feel like I was faking my happiness.

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Default ThumbnailAnother Weight Loss Challenge (or Getting Back On Track) Default ThumbnailWeight Loss Update (or Why I’m Trying Not To Get Frustrated) Default ThumbnailBaby Steps Progress (or Surprising Myself) Default ThumbnailBeing A Bit Of A Show-Off (or More Baby Steps) Default ThumbnailBaby Steps Back To Cooking (or My Check In Kicked My Butt Into Gear) Default ThumbnailStill Wondering About The New Normal (or Baby Steps Back)

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Posted in Celebrations, Fitness, Health, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

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My Pinterest Fail (or Now What Will I Wear On Saturday?)

Posted on May 6, 2013 | Comments Off on My Pinterest Fail (or Now What Will I Wear On Saturday?)

If you have been on Pinterest, I’m sure you’ve seen a pin about turning a t-shirt into a cute workout tank top (like this). I’ve seen it a ton of times, and have been looking for a good excuse to try it.

I was going to do it with my race shirt I got for the Hollywood Half 5K, but that ended up being a nice technical shirt, so I didn’t want to cut it up.

But next Saturday, I have the Revlon Run/Walk and I knew that the shirt would be a cotton one and perfect for trying this pin out.

I picked up my shirt after my work shift this past Saturday.

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No lines when I got there, so I was in and out!

As soon as I got home, I grabbed a couple of old junky shirts and tried out the tank top instructions. My first shirt was a disaster, but the second and third one came out ok (the shirts were a bit small for me, so I don’t have pictures of them).

After testing it out, I decided I was ready to do my race shirt.

I put the shirt out on my bed.

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I cut off the collar.

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I cut off the first sleeve.

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I took the cut off sleeve and used it as a pattern for the other sleeve (so they’d be even).

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(it was way more even than the picture looks)

Next, I flipped the shirt around so the bottom was toward me and cut off the bottom hem.

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I don’t have a picture of this next part, but I cut the stitching away from the bottom hem that I cut off (so all I had left was a strip of shirt with no thread). Then I stretched it out to make a long shirt string.

Next, I flipped the shirt over so I could cut a v shape out of the back.

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Then I wrapped the shirt string around the v in the back to make it a racer back top.

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So far so good, right? Wrong.

I try on the shirt and it looks like this.

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The sides were cut away too much and the back was cut way too low. I couldn’t figure out how I made such a mistake!

Finally, I realized it. All the shirts I used before fit me snuggly. So when I cut the sleeves off to make the arm holes, I followed the stitching on the sleeves. But since this shirt was big on me (I probably should have gotten it a size smaller), the sleeves were big and cutting around the stitching made the holes way too big.

I could still get away with wearing this shirt with a tank top underneath, but I don’t like how the back fits at all. Maybe I could sew it a bit so it doesn’t hang so low.

But I’m probably not going to wear this shirt to the event now. In the past, I always wore my race shirt on race day, but lately, I’ve been having a bit more fun with my race outfits.

I might wear the Superman shirt I wore for my last 5K, or maybe just a pink tank top. But after this crafting fail, I really don’t want to have to wear this shirt and have people who don’t read this blog see how badly I did!

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Posted in Fitness, Fun Stuff

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Hitting A Dead End In A Maze (or Maybe I Should Have Had My Dad With Me)

Posted on January 31, 2013 | Comments Off on Hitting A Dead End In A Maze (or Maybe I Should Have Had My Dad With Me)

Yesterday I had a half day at work (because I’m working Friday night this week), so my friend who has been going to spinning classes with me and I decided that we were going to each make the investment and buy cycling shoes.

To rent shoes at SoulCycle costs $3 a class. Not too bad, but when I want to try to go every week, that $3 adds up quickly.

I had decided to go to Performance Bike to get shoes. I like that store, my dad likes it, and that’s where my mom and dad bought this really cute bike for my birthday.

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So my friend and I met there after I got off of work. When we walked in, we were greeted by a very nice salesman but he was busy helping someone check out. He pointed us in the direction of the cycling shoes and we figured someone would be over there soon to help us.

We got to the shoe area, and saw a lot of empty spaces.

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Those three empty slots on the wall? Those were the three types of shoes that I had picked out online that fit my criteria (velcro closures, road shoes not mountain shoes, and under $100). I was pretty frustrated, but was hoping a helpful salesperson would be along soon and would tell me they had more in the back or something.

Wrong.

The salesman who came to help us didn’t help at all. He didn’t seem to care that we wanted to try on those three types of shoes that they didn’t have. He said that if we found them online, we wouldn’t find them in the store. When I asked if I could have those shoes shipped to me, his response was “if you want to pay for shipping”. I asked if they did free shipping to the store and he said they did. Why wasn’t that offered to me? Also, the salesman offered no help when I asked what the European size equivalent to an American shoe size 8 was (I ended up looking it up on my phone).

I wondered if it was a mistake coming without my dad. He pretty much knows anything about bikes. He was with me when I got my cute bike and knew all the questions that I wouldn’t have thought of asking (and got them to add a kickstand for me). But I had spoken with my dad before this shopping trip and got all my dumb questions answered before I went. Now I wish he was there because I feel like he would have gotten something out of that salesman that my friend and I couldn’t because we didn’t know all the right things to say.

We both ended up walking out of the store with nothing. I didn’t want to give them my business. I’ve tweeted at the store, and I’m thinking of linking this post to them in an email.

This just reminded me so much of something Blake Robbins said on Inside Acting Podcast (I got to hear this twice, once at the recording and again on the episode). Life is like a maze. You know that somewhere in it, there is a place that the ball drops through. So if you hit a dead-end, you don’t give up. You aren’t in a maze where the ball doesn’t drop through. You just have to back up, take a different turn, and keep trying to find where the ball drops.

So maybe I hit a dead-end in this maze for my spinning adventure. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to give up. I just need to back up, look another way, and maybe order my cycling shoes from Zappos (I love them!).

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Posted in Fitness, Shopping, Tough Stuff

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Planning Way Too Far Ahead (or I Want It Now)

Posted on August 28, 2012 | 1 comment

I have a bad habit of thinking a million steps ahead. If I have a big audition, I’m already thinking how amazing the paycheck will be and how long I could survive on it. When I’m trying to lose weight, I don’t focus one pound at a time (as I should), I get overwhelmed by the number of pounds I want to lose.

I also plan very far ahead when it comes to events. I was good and waited until this month to buy a dress for my friend’s wedding in October. But I also bought stuff on that trip to wear at Thanksgiving and a holiday party I know I’ll be attending.

My brother is getting married in a little over a year. I was texting with his fiancée last night and she said that they are planning on getting married in Kauai. I’m pretty excited about that because I haven’t been to Hawaii since I was 11 or 12.

So of course, last night I was already looking at what dresses would work for a Hawaiian wedding (definitely not the dress I got for my friend’s wedding). But styles could change in the next year.

I could change in the next year.

I’ve never really had a stable weight. I’m always going up or down. I never know what size I’ll be in the future. So planning ahead is tough.

I’d love to lose a majority of my excess weight by their wedding (I know that it’s totally possible). But whenever I have set a weight loss goal for a major event, I’ve failed. And that failure makes me feel horrible about myself.

So right now, I’m enjoying “window shopping” online for dresses. And I’m trying to focus on the small goals with my weight. I’m trying to look at the non-scale victories, because those seem easier to control.

Hopefully, those little victories that have nothing to do with the scale will increase my confidence and decrease the number on the scale, even if I’m not looking or focusing on it.

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Posted in Shopping, Weight Loss

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Fear of Failing (or How My Car Accident and Weight Loss Are Related)

Posted on August 15, 2012 | 2 comments

As I mentioned last week, I was in a car accident. I was hit while exiting my driveway, something that I do every single day. And ever since the accident, I’m so nervous when I’m leaving my driveway or making any type of turn into a new lane of traffic.

I’ve had this happen to me before. In 2005, I was rear ended twice within 30 days. Once on the freeway and once on Sunset Blvd. After those accidents, I would always watch in panic as the car behind me slowed down to a stop, hoping that I wouldn’t get hit again.

Last night, I was leaving the shopping center where I got some dinner at Subway and turned right into the street. I was panicky as I turned because even though I couldn’t see any cars coming, what if there was one without lights on, or that was speeding, or that pulled into traffic before I did. I hate this feeling, but I know that it’s what makes me a safe driver.

After I turned into the street, I realized I have the same feelings about losing weight. I did the losing weight part successfully many times. I’ve lost over 100 pounds multiple times. I’m just a failure at keeping the weight off. I’m so scared of failing again that I’m panicky about doing it again.

I’m so tired of being a disappointment to myself and the people who love me. I want to be successful. But I have to be ok with failing again in order to try. And that’s one of the mental blocks I’m in right now.

Since starting this blog, I’m down about 3 pounds. I fluctuate a lot, but when you average out the week, it’s 3 pounds lost. To some people, that might seem amazing, but when I think about what little percentage that is of what I have to lose, it’s overwhelming. I think that I should have lost 10 pounds by now. And that’s what society sets us up to think. So many diet plans talk about how losing 2 pounds a week is a good way to go.

But should I feel like crap because I’ve only lost 3 pounds instead of 10? I know that the answer is no, but I’m still trying to convince myself of that point.

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Posted in Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

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