Tag Archives: dating

Being Hurt And Finding Closure (or Still Finding Out More About Myself Through Dating)

Posted on March 28, 2019 | 1 comment

I feel like every month I write a post about things that I’ve learned through dating. I still find it crazy that I have learned so much about myself through how I am treated in the dating world. While I don’t use that to determine things about myself, it shows me things about myself that I might not have realized. And this just keeps happening over and over again.

I think part of why this is happening so often is because I am dating so often. When I was in my 20’s, I rarely dated. I wasn’t active on apps and I think I was probably being too picky. I would refuse a second date if I couldn’t see things going far. Now, while I’m still picky I’m also more open-minded. I will give a guy a second chance if I wasn’t sure about them. I’ve been open to meeting guys that I am not totally sure about and I’m not putting as much pressure on myself about dating as I did before.

My goal is still to find someone who I want to build a life with, but I also know that I might not know from the first date if someone has that potential. There are guys I met that I had pretty mediocre first dates with that ended up being really great guys. Sometimes there are just nerves or other factors that make the first date not the most accurate way to judge someone.

And yes, I’m having fun. I still have bad dates, but I find positives out of those dates. I would say a majority of the time I do have fun even if the particular date or guy isn’t fun.

But I have also made myself vulnerable to being hurt and have had to experience that a few times. Being hurt is not fun and I am working on figuring how to handle it better each time that it happens. I’m getting much better at dealing with being ghosted. I still hate it and think it’s so immature when guys can’t just say they don’t want to see you again, but I also realize that their decision to ghost has very little to do with me.

I’ve also had to deal with someone who hurt me much more than just ghosting me coming back into my life through texting. I am not dating them again nor do I plan to. He is engaged and has been reaching out to me to talk about some things. He has said he misses me and is confused, but that is his problem and not mine. While I do respond to his messages with honest answers, I do not reach out to him or start conversations with him. I keep telling him that he needs to discuss these issues with his fiancée and not me. He has brought up a lot of things from our past and we had some very intense texting discussion. But it has helped me find some closure.

When things ended between me and this guy, I was blindsided and couldn’t understand why. I still don’t understand a lot of what happened, but I have learned that because I didn’t give this guy an ultimatum about what we were he didn’t think I wanted to keep dating. Yes, I probably could have been more forceful about what I want, but I shouldn’t have to do that. If that is what this guy needed from me, I clearly am not the right girl for him.

In that same discussion with this guy, I came to another realization. I never thought much about the idea of need vs want for dating. But I realized this guy wants to be with someone who needs him (or at least acts like they need him). He wants someone who will be grateful for every little thing they do and he wants to feel like their life wouldn’t be what it is without him. But to me, I think wanting someone is so much stronger than needing someone. I will never need a guy to be a complete person. I want to find someone who adds to my life. I want to find someone who I want to create a life with. I want to find someone who makes my life better, but doesn’t make my life happen. If a guy is looking for a girl who needs them, then they aren’t the guy for me.

Coming to the realization of need vs want was a big one for me. After this guy told me he never knew I wanted to keep seeing him, I started to wonder what would have happened if I had been more upfront and forceful about things. Now I know that there is no way things would have worked out for us. This gave me so much closure. There is no question in my head that he was never the guy for me. Maybe if we kept seeing each other we would have dated for a while, but there is no way that we would have ended up together. I can never be the type of girl who will act like she needs someone.

I understand that never being someone who will act like they need another person might limit the guys who are interested in me. But I’m ok with that. I do not want to have to put on an act to make someone else happy. I was raised to be strong and independent. I think those are good qualities to have. And I don’t think I need to make myself less of a strong or independent person to find someone. I will find someone who loves those qualities in me and will appreciate it.

And the idea of need vs want goes both ways. I do not want to meet a guy who acts like he needs me. I want someone to want me. I want someone who also is independent and has their own life as well. I do not want my life to be all about another person nor do I want their life to be all about me.

While I will probably never be happy that this guy hurt me the way that he did, I do have to be a bit grateful for everything that happened. I still wish it ended a different way because there was no need for it to end as negatively as it did. But I also don’t know if I would have still discovered the same things about myself if it ended better. And now that I understand what type of relationship I truly want or could provide to someone else, I feel like I can put some focus on that idea. I don’t know how to put that into action just yet, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

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Still Finding New Life Lessons With Dating (or Some Skills I’m Proud Of And Some I’m Not Sure About)

Posted on February 19, 2019 | Comments Off on Still Finding New Life Lessons With Dating (or Some Skills I’m Proud Of And Some I’m Not Sure About)

It still surprises me that I’m learning new things all the time with all the adventures I have with dating. I would love to be done learning, but even if I found the person I wanted to spend my life with I feel like I would still learn new things about myself. But with dating, I seem to find new life lessons in the uncomfortable parts of life and that’s probably a good thing for me. I had 2 realizations over the past few days about dating that could potentially be beneficial for me in life.

The first one is one that I knew I needed to learn and that was how to get over feeling heartbroken or betrayed. I’ve talked about this before and said how I wished that dating rejection felt like the rejections I get with acting. For some reason, I can get over not booking a job pretty easily but I can’t get over being rejected or ghosted the same way. I never would want to learn how to get over feeling so upset over something ending or not happening, it is something I need to learn how to do.

I feel like there is only one person who has gotten close to breaking my heart. They took advantage of my openness and betrayed me and I didn’t think I would ever give them a second chance. But I did and they hurt me even more than they did the first time. I know that his rejection had very little to do with me and was a lot about issues he has, but it still brought up feelings that I don’t deal with well. While I know I am worthy of being loved, having someone close to me tell me otherwise while I was growing up is stuck in my head. And when I was rejected I immediately went to the thought that I was stupid for thinking I deserved to be treated the way I wanted. I know I didn’t deserve what I got, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes.

I shared my feelings in a dating Facebook group that I’m in and I am so grateful for the women in that group because they really helped me work out some things. And they also had amazing advice. A few people recommended the Mend app, and I decided to download it and give it a chance.

While Mend is meant for getting over a breakup, it really helped me a lot with my feelings of being betrayed. And one of the things a friend helped me realize was that my feelings also had a lot to do with me having to accept that I will not have the answers I want. And Mend went into this idea a lot too! I only did the free 7 days, but I’m debating about trying it longer because it really got me into a better mindset about rejection with dating.

And I got to experience this new mindset this past weekend when I had a second date with someone. He and I seemed to really connect and get along and things were going well. But then it was like there was a switch that went off and he immediately said he had to leave. I don’t know what happened (and I have gone over things in my head a few times to see if I can think of something), but whatever happened was something that clearly made him want to end the date. He said it had nothing to do with me, but I really don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again. I did text him since that date, but I’ve heard nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m about to be ghosted.

I hate being ghosted because if I’m not interested in seeing someone again I will tell them and not leave them wondering. But I know that not everyone is willing to be honest about that. Being ghosted sucks and there have been other guys I’ve gone out with a few times that have ghosted me and really hurt me. But this time, I don’t care as much as I did before. If he’s going to ghost me, there’s not reason I should worry about it because I don’t want to date someone who would treat anyone that way. It’s so weird to not be worried about if he will text me again or not, but I also love it since this is what I’ve wanted to figure out for so long!

While dealing with being hurt and rejected is a really good life skill to have, this other thing I figured out this weekend isn’t necessarily as good. When I started dating again a few years ago, I tolerated some really horrible dates. I didn’t want to be rude and leave a date that I was not enjoying so I suffered through them. I always want to be polite and staying through a bad date seemed like the polite thing to do.

I’ve been getting better at leaving dates that I’m not enjoying, but it’s usually because I find a good way to have an out. Either the guy will say something that is really offensive and I feel like I can walk out or I can have a reasonable excuse to leave. I know that I don’t need an excuse and I should be able to just walk out, but I haven’t gotten to that point yet.

But I did have another date recently that I was able to leave quickly even without a good excuse. I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to meet this guy, but I decided to go for it because some people just aren’t good over text. And when we met up, I immediately knew that my gut was right and this date was a waste of time. Fortunately, I usually plan first dates to be something I can easily escape like getting coffee or a drink (even though I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol). This time, I was supposed to meet him for a drink, but it was so crowded that we went for a walk instead.

We only walked about 2 blocks and it felt like miles. The date was horrible, the conversation was going nowhere, and I was just wanting to go home. When we walked past where I parked my car, I told him that my car was parked in that lot and that I needed to head home. I think he wasn’t really enjoying the date either so I didn’t have to give him an excuse, but if I needed to I would have just said I wasn’t feeling chemistry. The date only lasted 10 minutes and I was so grateful to be out of there.

I don’t know if getting out of bad dates is necessarily a good life skill, but I can see how it could be. By trying to always be polite, I’ve put myself in situations that I wanted to get out of and felt stuck in. I need to learn to stand up for myself and not be afraid to be a bit rude if I know I need to leave. It’s still a fine line between being willing to be rude to leave and learning to tolerate things I have to, but I’m getting better at finding that line.

I am glad I have gotten better at dealing with rejection since that is something that I have wanted to work on for so long. I know that I will still struggle with it from time to time, but I am happy I have a resource I know I can turn to when I need help. And if I do continue to use Mend, perhaps I will continue to build that skill set so the next time I’m rejected I will hear those ideas louder than the voice in my head telling me I don’t deserve love or respect.

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Celebrating My Friendship Love (or I Don’t Hate Valentine’s Day)

Posted on February 14, 2019 | Comments Off on Celebrating My Friendship Love (or I Don’t Hate Valentine’s Day)

I know that there are many single people who hate Valentine’s Day. I completely understand why people might feel that way. It’s a weird holiday that doesn’t mean a lot to people who are in relationships. But when you are single, you are bombarded with the idea that you should be coupled up and you are somehow missing out on something by being single.

I’ve never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. Last year, I actually ended up having a date that night, but it wasn’t until later we realized it was Valentine’s Day. We only planned something because we both happened to be free that evening. So it was more of a date on Valentine’s Day and not a Valentine’s Day date. But it didn’t mean more to me than a date on any other night.

And this year, as always, I’m single. I’m dealing with being betrayed by someone who I thought cared about me which isn’t that fun, but I’m getting so much support from my friends and that is what matters more to me than any guy that I have dated.

So this year on Valentine’s Day, I want to celebrate the love I have from my friends. I am so incredibly grateful and lucky to have the friends that I have in my life. They are amazing and so supportive and I don’t know what I would do without them. When I’m upset about anything, even if it’s something really stupid, I know I can call someone and they will be able to talk me down.

With this recent betrayal by a guy, I’ve had friends remind me that I am lovable and worthy of so much more than what I was getting. They also helped me realize that a lot of the hurt that I am feeling is not about what this guy did to me, but the fact that I will never get answers or the closure that I would like. I am the type of person who will research something until I understand it completely. I will never understand why this person decided to hurt me or what made them see me as not worthy of being treated how I deserve to be treated. And letting go of the idea of wanting the answers is tough and I’m working through that.

But my friends also support me in the silly problems I have. When I was stressed out about my procedure with my dermatologist, I was going down a bit of a spiral thinking I was about to ruin my face. A friend reminded me that there are so many plastic surgery options for me if the scar was horrible and if it did create a divot in my face that I could always get fillers done. That’s not something I could do for a while, but just having someone remind me that this does not have to be the end of the road if I’m not happy with the results was enough to calm me down and help me remember that I was making the right decision.

And of course, I try to be there as much for my friends (if not more) than they are there for me. But I still feel like I don’t do enough considering how much they help me out and how often they remind me of things that I need to be reminded about. I know that I have mental health issues that make me think I’m not worthy and I can go to a dark place. It’s never that horrible, but it’s not a good place to be. And my friends never hesitate to help me out when I have those moments. They are never annoyed that it happened again or that they have to tell me something they have told me multiple times before.

While I have had a great example of what a successful relationship looks like from my parents, I also feel like I have been given examples of that as well through my friends. I know that being with someone romantically is different from being platonic, but I have learned how I should be treated by how my friends treat me. I have learned how to have a supportive and balanced relationship through those friendships. And I am hopeful that when I do find the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I will be able to remember the relationships with my friends and use those as guidelines for how that relationship should be.

I’m writing this early enough that there is still potential for me to have a date tonight (although I don’t know if I want to go out with stitches in my face), but that doesn’t matter. If I’m spending tonight alone at home watching tv, that’s fine. While Valentine’s Day doesn’t really matter to me as a holiday, I am using it as a good excuse to be grateful for the love I do have in my life and remembering how lucky I am.

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Reaching A New Audience (or Laughing At My Dating Adventures)

Posted on January 23, 2019 | Comments Off on Reaching A New Audience (or Laughing At My Dating Adventures)

I’ve shared a bit about my online dating adventures on here in the past. I’ve also shared about how I am working on a book about dating and the stories that I have. I love sharing my stories because most of them are so ridiculous that I want other people to get some entertainment out of it. Or some are lessons that I’ve learned that I want to share so others don’t have to go through the same things that I have. I’ve been very open about dating and I hope that the people who read my posts about it are enjoying them.

Whether or not they are enjoying them, I know my friends see that I post about dating. So when a friend of mine saw that his friends were starting a new podcast about dating and they were looking for guests with fun stories, my friend told me about it immediately. I messaged the hosts and gave them a few different stories of things that have happened and they loved them! They asked me for my availability and I was able to record 2 episodes of their podcast this past weekend.

I don’t have a ton of information about the podcast as it hasn’t launched yet, but I promise to share it when I have it. But it is a podcast that is all about dating and the situations that people find themselves in. Each episode is about a general topic but someone might have multiple stories about that topic to share. The 2 episodes that I recorded were about cheaters and nude photos or other over the top sexual messages that I get.

I was very happy to share my stories about both topics. I was especially excited to share my stories about cheaters because they are some of my funniest stories. It’s been very easy to find out if a guy isn’t single based on information they post on their profiles. I usually can figure it out with a very quick search. The last cheater I caught didn’t have a ton of information about him in his profile, but based on his name and employer I found his employer’s Instagram account and their most recent picture was of him and his fiancé congratulating them on their engagement. Of course I called him out on it and he immediately blocked me. I have no problem with calling out guys because they should know that we are going to find out they are cheating and that it might come back to their significant other.

I also wanted to share how I used to not want to look guys up online before going out with them because I didn’t want to have to act like I didn’t know anything about them. But I learned that it was in my best interest to look them up to see if they were not single (or lying about who they are) and there is a way to do it without learning too much about them. I know other friends who have struggled with the idea of Googling a guy before a date, but I think there is a middle ground between not looking them up and stalking them online. And that middle ground allows you to confirm they are who they have told you they are.

Sharing those stories was so fun and the hosts were pretty entertained by the cheaters I’ve caught and how some guys really don’t think they are doing anything wrong. And they also had their own stories to share which I loved hearing about.

The second episode I recorded that day was about the things that guys send to me that are no necessarily appropriate. It’s shocking what some guys will send thinking that it will intrigue you and not disgust you. I don’t think there is any reason to send someone an unsolicited nude photo, and many of these guys send photos that include their face. I would never share a photo that someone sent to me, but I wonder if there are people out there who would use that photo to try to harm or blackmail them. One guy who sent a photo to me that included his face is a teacher, and I know that if someone shared that photo it could ruin his career. I’m always surprised when I get a message like that, but I guess these guys have either found one woman who it worked on or it’s never worked but they are hoping their luck with change.

And just like with the cheating stories, the hosts had a few stories to share about weird messages too. Neither of them have stories as crazy as mine, but I don’t think either of them have been doing online dating as long as I have (and for the male host, I really doubt most women send nude photos as an opening line). We tried to be sensitive and not shaming to the guys who write some of the creepy things to me, but at the same time we just couldn’t get over some of the messages I get and how creeped out we were.

I’ve only done a few podcast interviews, and with every one I feel like I talk too much. I felt the same way with these interviews, but I also knew I had so much more I could have said. I tried to write some notes before I went to the interview so I wouldn’t forget any stories and I didn’t get to share them all. But I think I might be asked back to the podcast to share stories about another topic and I would love to get to do that.

I’ve had some friends ask me how I don’t get annoyed or pessimistic about dating because I’ve had so many bad and weird stories to share. I think what keeps me sane and encourages me to keep going is having outlets to share the stories on. I love sharing them on here and writing the stories for my book. And now I’ve had the chance to share them with a new audience in a new format and I can’t wait to be able to share the links to the episodes when they are live!

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Thinking About My Relationships (or Starting My 2018 Reflection)

Posted on December 27, 2018 | Comments Off on Thinking About My Relationships (or Starting My 2018 Reflection)

As I mentioned yesterday in my post, I spent time on Christmas being alone and reflecting on some things. I think reflecting back on the year that was is a pretty common thing to do and I’ve been doing it more and more each year. I think having posts on here regarding goals and monthly challenges has helped me think more about what happened over the past 12 months. And I usually can put things into a single post when reflecting back. But I feel like this year had too much and I wanted to split things up. So over the next few posts, I will be doing reflections of the year that was and goal setting for the year coming up. And I’m starting with the relationships I had this year.

I know many people think of relationships as romantic and dating ones. That wasn’t what came to my mind originally, but it is a part of what happened. And since it is the smaller portion of the relationships I wanted to reflect on, I’m going to start with those.

I continued my crazy journey of online dating this year. I would have loved to have ended this journey during the year, but that wasn’t the case for me. Fortunately, even though I had a ton of bad dates, they were bad dates that were funny. I left so many dates filled with stories to tell my friends about how bad the date was, but I was telling them with a smile on my face. I also learned to be a bit pickier about who I met in person and how to stand up for myself better so I think that the idiots and creeps I encountered online were easier to deal with. I didn’t hesitate to end a conversation that made me second guess things even if it was going fine before that moment. I also set the new rule/restriction that I didn’t give out my phone number until I met someone in person. Somehow that seemed to help me filter out guys I met and I didn’t have to worry about the scammers getting my number.

But while most of the relationships I had with guys this year weren’t bad, there were some situations that hurt me. I felt betrayed by some guys and that’s not easy to get over. I tried to think about how I didn’t do anything wrong and it didn’t really have to do with me, but that’s not the easiest thing to keep in mind. But as the year went on I got better about dealing with it and it is hurting a bit less each time I feel hurt or blindsided. I don’t necessarily want that feeling to go away completely since I do want to still keep my heart open to the possibility of meeting someone amazing. And when your heart is open you are at risk for feeling hurt.

I’m still staying as active as I can with online dating and trying to be more thoughtful about staying active and trying to get beyond messaging on the app and going out for a drink or something with the guys I meet on there. And while that didn’t result in me meeting anyone incredible this past year, I am trying to stay optimistic that doing it again for the coming year will bring better results.

While finding a romantic relationship is important to me, while reflecting back on the year I realized that I had the biggest and best gains in my relationships with my friends. I thought from time to time that I might be a bad friend and I let some friendships drop for one reason or another. But when I thought about it more over the past few days, I discovered that while I might have turned some friends into acquaintances the friendships I kept grew so much stronger.

Building and strengthening friendships can come out of the good times, but I had so much growth out of the more difficult times. When my friend told me he wanted to kill himself and I was able to convince him on the phone to go to a hospital, I had to be ok with the idea that my friend might want to end his friendship with me. I am so grateful that not only did they want to stay friends but I feel like our friendship has grown quite a bit. We have been able to be more open and honest with each other and that is incredible. I was worried about telling my friend things in our friendship that were hard on me, but they listened to me and we were able to fix things and make our friendship even more mutually beneficial than it ever has been.

I’ve had multiple friends go through the end of romantic relationships this year and their breakups weirdly brought us closer. I think when they thought about having to date again, they came to me asking for my advice and stories about online dating. I don’t want to scare anyone off, but I was honest and shared my tips and how I stay safe. And putting that honesty out there helped to make my friendships with those people more honest in other ways too.

But of course, I was also able to build my friendships from fun things that I do in my life too. Even just going to a movie with a friend gives time for us to talk one to one without the distractions of other people trying to get our attention. Having those 15-20 minutes before a movies starts can be better than 3-4 hours at a party where there are so many other people. I’ve been trying to be better about doing fun things with other people instead of just going alone so I have those chances to talk to someone and have a real catching up talk.

I thought this past year was really a year of me being selfish. There were several monthly challenges that were all about me and putting myself first and I thought that meant some of my relationships would not be able to grow. It was such a nice surprise for me when I was reflecting back and realized that I was wrong with that assumption and that I really did have growth with my friends over the past year.

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Yet Another Life Lesson From Dating (or Finding Power When Not In Control)

Posted on November 16, 2018 | Comments Off on Yet Another Life Lesson From Dating (or Finding Power When Not In Control)

I don’t know why I’m learning so many life lessons from dating. Maybe it’s because that’s the main thing in my life that hasn’t been a part of it for as long so I’m discovering new things all the time. Maybe it’s because that’s the place I’m out of my comfort zone the most and that is pushing me to change and set my standards. Or maybe it’s just random and doesn’t mean anything. Whatever it is, I just keep learning more as I date. I am ready to find someone amazing and not keep learning from dating, but that’s not what seems to be in the cards for me right now.

Every so often, I feel like guys from my past come back into my life for some reason. These always happen in groups so when one guy from my past comes back into my life, I know it’s just a matter of time before another one comes along. And that has happened in the past week for me. One guy is just someone I lost contact with and it was nice to reconnect with him. Our communication was always through the app and when my account got banned I lost my conversation with him. So when we rematched and were able to start talking again, it was nice. Hopefully I’ll get to see him again soon and see if we still have fun.

The other guy is a guy that I didn’t have as nice of an ending with. I’m not going to go into specifics with it because it doesn’t matter, but we ended on a bad note and I figured I would never hear from him again nor did I want to. But he reached out to me, we talked a bit, and I don’t have as many negative feelings toward him. But he is seeing someone else right now and I am not going to be the other woman or someone he sees on the side. I understand that when you date someone, if you haven’t said you were exclusive that you should assume you aren’t the only person they are seeing. But if you have an understanding that you are exclusive with someone, seeing someone else is cheating.

I told him that I am not willing to be a secret or someone he cheats with. If he wants to go out with me again, then the person he is seeing now needs to know that they aren’t exclusive. My understanding is that she believes that they are, so he would need to have a real conversation about how he wants to be able to see other people. I don’t necessarily want to be with someone who is serious with someone else, even if they have an open relationship. But if he wants to try seeing me again to see if we could be together again, the only way to do that is if all parties involved know that they aren’t exclusive.

I let him know this and told him it is his choice. If he wants to see me again, he knows what I require. If he doesn’t want to have to have that talk, then he and I won’t see each other again. If he doesn’t want to have the talk but still wants to see me, it’s too bad. I’m not willing to do that. I guess it’s kind of an ultimatum, but I really didn’t see it that way. I saw it as setting my standards and letting him decide what he wants to do.

I was sharing this story with a friend of mine after I told this guy what options he had, and I was having a bit of a tough time explaining why I felt so powerful in what I did. I have no clue what the next step will be as the guy has to make the next choice. But I feel completely in control and have no regrets. My friend and I were talking around the idea and I was just trying to find the words to express what I was feeling.

The idea of “the ball is in his court” kept coming to my mind, but that didn’t seem right. That makes it feel like he has the power and the choice of what is next and that was not how I felt. So I came up with the idea of “the ball is in his court, but I was the one who served it to him there”. That felt perfect to me. Yes, he has the choice in what he wants to do next. But I am the one who presented the choices to him and there is no other option than those. If he doesn’t want to pick one, then we won’t see each other and that is fine with me. I am not going to go against my standards and I feel very secure and comfortable in that idea.

So many things were so clear to me once I came up with that idea. Even when I am not the one deciding the next step, that doesn’t mean I have to be powerless or helpless. I have ways to find power even in situations that I don’t completely control. After that idea was said out loud to my friend, a huge weight felt like it was lifted off of me. I don’t care as much about what this guy will decide next anymore. While it would be nice to see him again and see what we could be, I don’t want to see him if it isn’t in a situation I’m comfortable with.

I don’t know how I can apply this new mindset to other things in my life, but I want to figure it out. I know that rethinking when I have power and control is important and can be used in so many other situations I find myself in. I guess I just have to naturally let those situations find me and remember this idea so I can apply it in the moment.

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NaNoWriMo Take 2 (or Still Working On The Same Book)

Posted on November 2, 2018 | Comments Off on NaNoWriMo Take 2 (or Still Working On The Same Book)

It’s November and just like last year I’m going to participate in National Novel Writing Month! Last year was the first year I did it and I used the month to work on my book on online dating. It was a great way for me to work on a project that seemed so overwhelming and scary. There is a goal to write a certain number of words over the course of the month, but I knew that I didn’t want to hold myself to that because this book is an ever-changing thing.

I got a lot done last year during NaNoWriMo and continued to work on my book every so often since then. I do try to add stories or at least notes after I have a date that I know needs to be in the book. I haven’t been working on it as seriously as I probably should have, but I also don’t feel a rush to finish it. I still wonder what the end or lesson of the book should be. I know it doesn’t need to end in something significant, but until I feel like I know what I want the reading to think at the end of the book I don’t know if it will ever be done.

Even though I haven’t been working on it that much, I know that I probably should have done more since many of my dates over the past 6 months haven’t really been written about beyond the notes I made. And for what feels like the millionth time, I have changed what I want the book to be like. I have gone back to my original plan to have each story a standalone story and to split the book up into good dates, bad dates (or just horrible guys online), and the cheaters I have encountered. I feel like it is a good way to organize things and makes the book more of a collection of stories versus something that needs a clear beginning, middle, and end.

I don’t know if NaNoWriMo is supposed to be for working on the same book year after year, but that’s what I’m using it for. When you sign up for the challenge each year, you are supposed to announce the book you are working on. I didn’t see an option to say that you are still working on the same book from the year before, so I named my book something that represents what’s happening for me.

I’m not planning on doing the different events that are happening during this month, so I’m not too concerned about if I am supposed to be working on the same book. And when I registered this year and it asked me to update my word count, I did put down how many words the book currently is at. So I look much more accomplished than I really am. But I am using this month as a tracking device for me. I love the idea of working with others to accomplish a goal, but I don’t think doing different challenges or trying to win swag for various reasons is right for me with what I’m trying to do. If I had a novel that I had an outline and grand idea for, maybe it would be different. But since this is the story of something that is currently happening to me, it’s not really fitting into getting it all done this month.

But even though my goals aren’t to challenge other people or to hit certain word counts, I do still have goals for this month. I do want to finish the stories of the guys I have gone out with that I know I will not be seeing again. Most of those are guys I went out with once or twice and I have no plans to communicate with them again. But there are still some stories that have not ended because things are still happening or changing, so with those stories I can’t really finish them. But I can make sure that those stories are as up to date as possible. I know that as things continue to change that I might have to edit my story, but I’d rather edit a story than have to write it all just because things aren’t over. And those changing stories are really just a small percentage. There are maybe 4 or 5 that I don’t think are totally over (not all of them are guys I’m still seeing, but their stories haven’t ended), and I have dozens of stories that are over. So those few can’t be an excuse for me to not work on the others.

I think the first time I did NaNoWriMo, I had much higher hopes for what I would be able to accomplish based on what other friends have done. But I’ve learned that my story isn’t the same as everyone else’s and I can’t stress to hit the targets that others are doing. I just need to be as consistent as possible and know that I am making progress. And maybe during this month I will find something out that makes me realize I have a way to end my story, but that’s not what I’m expecting to happen. But it would be nice to feel like this story is done and I can finish it.

But as long as I go out with guys that end up being super ridiculous stories, I’m going to write about them. Even if I never do anything with this book, I want to have these stories written down and saved. I might use them for a laugh in the future or inspiration for a script or another project. But I still think that one day turning this journey into a book would be a really fun thing to do and I’m keeping an open mind about it all!

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Staying Strong And Having Standards (or Still Learning From Dating)

Posted on October 26, 2018 | 1 comment

So many of the changes I’ve made in my life over the past few years seem to come from things I’ve dealt with in online dating. I’ve questioned if it’s a good thing that I’m discovering so much about myself through dating and how men see me, but I’m starting to think it’s a good thing. This isn’t just about dating, but dating makes it a different environment. I’ve always been a people pleaser, but I’ve notice that this can also allow for people to walk over me. And this wasn’t as clear to me before as it has become after a guy treated me that way. So I’m just thinking that dating has given me a new perspective to view behaviors in my life and how I react to them.

I do still have things to work on and those issues are much clearer to me now, but I feel like I have become a much more confident person recently once I stopped worrying as much about what men think of me. I’ve allowed myself to be rude when it was warranted. I never would have done that before because I didn’t want someone to think I wasn’t kind or nice. But there are times where it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks because you need to do what is going to give you the answers or life you need. I still won’t be mean out of nowhere and I do hesitate to reject a guy when I’m questioning some things. I will always err on the side of being nice, but when I need to stand up for myself I will do so.

I’ve had a few chances to do that this past week, both with guys that I had gone out with about a year ago. It’s weird how guys from my past seem to reach out around the same time, but it has happened that way more than once. With these guys, things ended for different reasons so while my feelings about them were both something I questioned I still had different feelings.

For one guy, it didn’t end that well. It doesn’t matter why it ended, but it was something that made me mad and I held on to that feeling longer than I should have. He reached out to me to say how he missed me and wanted to see me again. And I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I was willing to see him even though he didn’t treat me that well before. But of course, even before I could see him he ended up treating me with the same lack of respect that he had before. I did allow it last year and I guess he thought he could still treat me the same way. But I called him out on the behavior and I didn’t see him. If he reaches out to me again, I would love to say I would ignore him but I honestly don’t know. It seems like some people are harder to kick out of your life than others.

The second guy was someone who I went out with a few times. Things ended because we were in different places in our lives. He had a bit of an issue with follow through when making plans, which annoyed me, but nothing was that bad. It ended, but it didn’t feel like it was for any reason other than I didn’t want to waste my time if I wasn’t feeling totally certain about him. And with that feeling, someone could change my mind because the things that didn’t work are things that could easily be fixed.

With this guy, I was very clear about my stance on what I am looking for and that if he didn’t want the same I didn’t want to waste time. He said he wanted the same and we made plans to see each other. And based on all my past experience I shouldn’t have been surprised when again he lacked the follow through for making plans. And I’m more than happy to call him out on it if he reaches out again. If someone wants to date me, they have to make plans and do those. Or if they need to reschedule they need to let me know. They can’t just say that we will be seeing each other after work on a certain day and then never make plans even after I text to ask what we are doing. This is something that can be changed, but I also know that I can’t go into something wanting someone to change. They need to want the change for themselves.

In the past, I would be terrified to let either of these guys out of my life or to stand strong on what I want and what I deserve. I would have felt lucky that anyone was interested in me and would be doing whatever it takes to not be too much work for them to want to be with. I would not allow myself to have my own standards and conform to theirs because I wouldn’t feel like I had the right to want something different. This has been a very tough thing for me to overcome because I had heard that I didn’t deserve it for so many years. But I’m so glad that the automatic thinking that was in my head for a majority of my life is starting to chip away.

I have no clue if I will give either of these guys another chance, but I know for sure that if I do allow them one I will continue to be strong in what I want and deserve.

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Working On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting)

Posted on September 21, 2018 | Comments Off on Working On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting)

As an actor, you deal with rejection all the time. Actors get rejected for more jobs than they are offered. Every single day, I submit myself to various projects and my agents submit me as well. A majority of the time, I never hear back from those submissions so I was rejected for even an audition. And when I do get an audition, I don’t usually book the job. I don’t see that rejection as anything bad since everyone deals with it. And I know that not every part is right for me. My job when I audition is to do the best job I can in the room so the casting director wants to bring me back when there is another part I might be right for.

But even though I am very comfortable with rejection in my acting career and it doesn’t bother me one bit, I can’t say the same about dating. There are some times that I think everyone would agree that I am right to be upset over rejection or someone lying to me. I don’t think anyone expects someone to be ok with being hurt that way, especially when it’s someone who you cared about and you thought cared about you. I also know that those situations are sometimes inevitable and are a part of life. Dating has always had some rejection or heartache, that’s not just something that started with online dating.

And I guess ghosting could have been a thing before as well, but it seems like it really picked up with dating apps. I’ve had a couple of guys ghost me, but more recently there have been 2 that really got to me. One guy I had 2 dates with and then they were out-of-town (this was something we had discussed on our first date). From before our first date through their time out-of-town, we were texting at least once a day. We were making tentative plans for when they were back in LA. And once they were back, they stopped texting. They never unmatched with me on the app we matched on, but all communication stopped. I reached out one more time, they responded, but then ghosted me again. That really bugged me because there was nothing that made me feel like things weren’t going to move forward with another date. But I guess he didn’t care to see me again and he didn’t feel like he should say something to me.

And more recently, there was someone who seemed like a real great guy. We got along, could talk about a ton of different subjects without awkward silences, and he was planning creative dates for us. On our last date, something just didn’t seem right to me. I mentioned it hoping that would make things better (sometimes it’s better to bring up a weird feeling than ignore it and hope it goes away) and he said everything was fine but he was just tired from working long hours. That could have been it, but I still had a gut feeling that something was off and he wasn’t telling me. We made plans for the next day, and I haven’t heard from him since. I honestly have no clue what happened, but again I was ghosted by a guy who didn’t have the manners to end things like an adult.

Those ghosting situations are the standard ones because I had met these guys in person and we had been talking and dating. I don’t know what to call the guys who disappear before I even meet them since I don’t know if it’s really the same thing as ghosting. But a new trend I’ve been seeing is a guy who is messaging with me on whatever app we connect with (I don’t give out my number until I meet a guy in person to protect myself from scammers and catfish) and we make plans for a date. Sometimes everything is planned, sometimes it’s just the date and time and we are going to figure out a location later. And then the day of the date I go to the app to message them to either finalize plans or say that I’m excited to meet them, and they are no longer listed in my matches. They could have been scammers or had their accounts blocked, but more often than not they just unmatched with me.

I know that there are some guys on the apps who are in relationships that use dating apps to get an ego boost. They don’t consider it cheating if they never meet someone in person, but they message as if they wanted to meet up just to get the validation that a woman likes them. I think it’s stupid and if I ever figured out in advance that a guy was doing that with me I’d unmatch with them first. But of course, most of these guys give no clue that they are doing that so I just feel rejected because I had been excited about the date that won’t be happening.

I’ve gotten much better with dealing with dating rejection in the past year, but it’s still not easy for me. I think a lot of the rejection I struggle with comes from when I meet a guy (or am messaging with a guy) who seems genuine and kind. I don’t try to imagine what a future could be with them, but I think everyone thinks about stuff like that when they meet someone they are interested in. The rejection is almost more of feeling hurt that a potential future isn’t going to happen anymore. And while I have the same feeling with auditions (whenever I go out for a big role I have to stop myself from imagining how it could change my life), but I have had so much more practice with acting.

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Learning From Listening (or Another Great Podcast)

Posted on August 31, 2018 | Comments Off on Learning From Listening (or Another Great Podcast)

I’ve shared on here before that I’m a big podcast person. I don’t listen to the radio or to music that often so podcasts are the main thing that I do listen to. While I’m working, I’m almost always listening to one because I have so much downtime between customers. A bunch of the podcasts I listen to are fun or silly, but there are some more serious ones that I listen to as well.

I’m in a Facebook group that is almost like a support group for women who are dating. We share stories, get advice, and just be there for each other online when we need it. Sometimes I will end up posting a rant on there because I need to get it out and I know that at least one person in the group can relate and understand. And I always get amazing advice when I need it from the others. Sometimes, women in that group will share articles they think we will like or have recommendations for books that have helped them. And this week, someone also recommended a podcast.

It’s called Where Should We Begin and it is an unscripted series about couples working through their relationship. The episodes are audio recordings of appointments with Esther Perel, who is a therapist. The podcast takes a 3 hour appointment and condenses it down to under an hour and each episode focuses on one couple so they are standalone episodes. And they are edited down to keep certain details anonymous, but that doesn’t make it feel censored. These episodes are honest and can be a bit brutal to hear sometimes. But when a couple is working through an issue, being that brutal can be necessary. Sometimes the issue really is the issue they need to work through and sometimes that issue is covering for something else deeper that is causing the issue between them.

At first, I was a bit hesitant to listen since I’m not in a couple and I wasn’t sure how I felt about listening to someone else’s therapist session (all of the people on the podcast have consented to this so it’s not like they don’t know that their story is going to be shared with the world). But the woman who recommended it as well as others who commented that they love the podcast shared how listening to it has helped them in many ways. Sometimes it helps them avoid issues that can come up in dating or to work through an issue with someone they are on a date with. And sometimes the lessons learned can be applied to their work life or to their friends.

So I downloaded all the episodes in the first 2 seasons (the third season will be coming out on Audible in October but I don’t know when it will be available for Apple Podcasts) and I quickly went through all the episodes in the first season this week while working. It really has been interesting to listen to these therapy sessions and hearing bits and pieces of their stories that are so similar to mine or things that I connect with. While some of the problems these couples are working through are ones that I’m not familiar with, I can still learn about how to work through issues that I have with some of the tools that Esther Perel has them use. And while I do still feel like a bit of a voyeur listening in to someone else’s therapy session, it’s not as weird as I thought it would be. I don’t think I would ever want my therapy sessions recorded and shared, but that’s just me. These couples are happy to share their stories and it’s wonderful that we can all learn from them.

It’s weird to say that I’ve enjoyed listening to the episodes since they aren’t necessarily happy to listen to. I do like hearing how they can work through their issues, but it is a serious podcast and the issues they have are serious ones. And it is good to have a more serious podcast in my regular listening since I do listen to a lot of more frivolous ones. It’s like with my reading, I like to mix serious books with my fluff. I’m the same way with my podcasts. And I did try to alternate one episode of Where Should We Begin with one of my sillier ones as I listened through the first season.

I’ll probably start working through the second season next week or the week after (I have so many podcasts I listen to so I try to stay on top of them as they come out) and hopefully the third season is released not too long after they start in October on Audible. I don’t know if listening to this will help me in my future relationships, but I know that it can’t hurt. A lot of the issues they are working through are things that I have had in the back of my mind from time to time (mainly about cheating or lack of communication about being unhappy). And hearing these couples work through those issues has helped me realize that if I do end up having to worry about it in the future, there is a way to work through it and not have it end things if that’s not what is wanted.

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