Tag Archives: dating

More Pandemic Dating Stories (or I Can’t Wait Until I Have More Normal Dating Problems)

Posted on February 12, 2021 | Comments Off on More Pandemic Dating Stories (or I Can’t Wait Until I Have More Normal Dating Problems)

Almost a year into the pandemic and I’m still trying to figure out how to date during this time. I know I don’t have to date right now, and I’m not doing much. But I also don’t want to stop completely because I know there is always a chance of meeting someone awesome. And that is something that happened to me over the summer. Talking to someone every day for a few months built a really strong bond between us. But there was just no romantic chemistry so we are going to be friends. But that’s still something good to come out of dating right now.

But there are so many negatives about dating right now. It’s not easy for sure. I miss the days where I would match with someone and be able to easily go to a bar or coffee shop to meet up in person to see if we click. I’ve always known that in-person chemistry is different from texting chemistry, but it’s so much more obvious now. I hate the idea of wasting weeks on texting with someone only to find out that we don’t click at all when we are face to face. But that’s what really has to happen right now to be safe.

Not every person feels the same safety concerns as I do. I’m still shocked how many guys I will be messaging with who either say they don’t believe in COVID or they aren’t scared of it. That makes me so much more fearful about who they are and I know I can’t take the risk of meeting them. I understand they aren’t scared, but that also probably means they aren’t isolating that much so I have to worry about every other person they have met up with. And maybe they have been dating women who don’t care either. I have never expected something exclusive with someone right away because that’s not how I date. But these days, you almost have to be exclusive when you meet for safety reasons.

I’ve had so many guys be frustrated with me because I wasn’t willing to meet up with them right away. It used to hurt to see what they wrote to me, but now I’m just happy to unmatch with them. If that is how they feel, there is no way that they were the right person for me. If we weren’t in a pandemic and we met up, we still would have had something that didn’t match up well. So I’m just saving that time. I won’t deny that it’s annoying because it is. But I also don’t feel like I’m missing out on someone when they say it.

The other odd thing about dating right now is that most dating apps have allowed anyone to set their location to be anywhere in the world. Normally, that’s something that only paying members on apps can do (if they can do it at all). But now, you can put that you are in another city/state/country and match with people there. I still have my own location settings set to be that I’m in LA and that I only want matches that are within a certain distance from me. But that still allows people who might be in France but claiming to be in LA to be in my matches. I understand that some people are just looking for pen pals or open to a long-distance relationship. But for me, I’m not on the apps for something like that. I am still trying to find my person and I don’t want them to be someone that I have no way of doing a social distant meet up with.

I still have my random silly or weird stories (like people who “forget” to mention they are married), but I haven’t had nearly as many stories as I did before. I feel like I’m matching with about the same number of people as I used to, but I’m not really getting anywhere with those matches. I’ve only met a few of them in person for socially distant dates and none of them have turned into anything more than that first date. Maybe I’ll meet someone who matches my concerns about the pandemic along with everything else and I’ll actually date them. Or maybe I won’t be able to really date until things are safe again. I don’t know which one it will be, but I know it will be one of the two. And I can’t wait until my stories are about the problems I had in the past. Those problems were annoying and bad, but at least I wasn’t worried about my health the way I am now.

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A Weird Dating Milestone (or At Least I Know I’m Trying)

Posted on January 12, 2021 | Comments Off on A Weird Dating Milestone (or At Least I Know I’m Trying)

I’ve been active on dating apps for almost 4 years now. This isn’t the first time I’ve used dating apps (or dating websites), but I feel like the past 4 years have been a very different time than any other time I used them. I have had a bit more of a purpose and a slightly more open mind. And I feel like I have been much more active this time than I ever had before.

And I know I am using apps more than many people. Now during the pandemic, I’m sure this is even more true. But even before the pandemic, I know that I was more active than many others. This is particularly due to having a thick skin and tolerating things a bit better than some. I’ve had friends who have taken extended breaks from apps after they got ghosted. I have taken little breaks, but rarely longer than a week unless I was seeing someone that I thought was going to go somewhere.

I don’t really track how many people I match with or message on dating apps because it would be just too much. But I learned a few weeks ago that there is a way to see some of that information in Bumble. Bumble has a program called Moves Making Impact. It’s a free and optional program that allows you to help raise money for a charity every time you send an opening message. I signed up for it since it’s free and doesn’t affect my profile at all. But someone mentioned that if you go back to that section of the profile settings, it lets you know how many first messages you have sent since selecting a charity.

But it also shows you how many first messages you have sent since signing up for Bumble! At the time, it was just under 5,000 for me. I wasn’t going to go out of my way to match and message people I didn’t care about just to get the number to 5,000, but it wasn’t that long before I hit that milestone.

But this is only tracking Bumble and that’s not the only app that I’m on. So I would say it’s a safe bet that between the various apps that I use, I have matched and messaged at least 10,000 men.

I’m not embarrassed by this number. It’s a sign that I’m trying to date and find my person. But it is a little frustrating that I have gone through 10,000 men and still am single. I never thought I’d need to talk to that many people that I would reject (or that would reject me). Of course, when I started on the apps again, I was hopeful that I would be one of the rare cases that meet their person within the first few messages, but I knew that was unlikely. But I never expected that 4 years and 10,000 men later, I’d still be as single as I was before.

Of course, I have learned a lot about myself while dating. They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert in a new skill. So maybe messaging 10,000 men makes me a little bit of an expert in dating. I wouldn’t consider myself an expert, but maybe a little bit of one. But even if I’m not an expert in dating, I’m an expert in what I want in dating and what I know I deserve. I know what I do not have to stand for and what my hard lines and boundaries are. I know what I am looking for more than ever and have a much clearer idea of what I want my future to be like with another person. Some people learn this by being in relationships. I learned it by not really being in one. But I still learned it and am happy that I have had that growth.

Will I get to 10,000 first messages on Bumble? I have no idea. I honestly hope that I don’t because I do want to find my person. I don’t want to date endlessly and still be single. But I do know that could happen and I won’t be mad at myself if that is my future. I know for sure that if I was in a relationship with anyone that I had gone out with before that I wouldn’t be happy. Maybe right now during the pandemic, I wouldn’t be as lonely, but I know I am happier now than I would be if I was with any of them. So it is for the best.

I will continue to try dating the best I can during the pandemic. I don’t know if I’ll meet my person with how we have to date now, but maybe I will. And if I don’t, I will be back to dating normally when it is safe to do so. And if I get to another milestone number in the future, at least I know that it is a sign that I am trying and hopefully am closer to finding my person.

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More Thoughts On Pandemic Dating (or I Wish I Didn’t Miss Dating As Much)

Posted on October 6, 2020 | Comments Off on More Thoughts On Pandemic Dating (or I Wish I Didn’t Miss Dating As Much)

I don’t think there is anyone who is single and trying to date right now that doesn’t think things are weird. Dating during a pandemic is just so odd. There are so many things you have to worry about. You have to build a lot of trust before meeting someone, which wasn’t how it was before. So many people are getting very serious very quickly because that’s almost what you have to do. People who were in a relationship before the pandemic started are also having weird things happening. You might stick it out more than you normally would because you know you can’t really date. Some people are discovering quickly that they are not meant to be.

We are over 6 months into this and it’s still tough to figure out what is safe and what is stupid. For the most part, I’m not really dating right now because I can’t. I’ve tried, and I’ve found things that stopped it from progressing. I am still active on various apps and I have done quite a few virtual dates (like using the video chat feature on an app or watching a movie together over Netflix Party). I have met someone in person, but that was after we both were making sure that neither of us was sick and we had taken a lot of time to build trust before we met.  Unfortunately, even though we had chemistry when we were texting and talking on the phone, it didn’t translate to in-person chemistry so that didn’t go anywhere (although we are still talking and have said we want to be friends).

I really miss dating. I don’t love dating, but I still miss it. Dating did bring some excitement to my life. And even my bad dates brought some entertainment to me. And I like knowing that maybe the next guy I go out with will be the right guy for me. I also think part of missing dating is missing all physical touch. Cuddling with someone, getting a hug, holding hands, or just sitting with someone on the couch are things I can’t really do right now. And while a lot of those things were things I got from my friends, I also got them from dating. And I also miss having opportunities to go out and be social. Again, I got that a lot from friends but I also got it from dating.

It does feel odd to me that I miss dating this much. Until a few years ago, I didn’t date a lot. I would meet someone somehow and would go on dates every so often. But I wasn’t using dating apps and I didn’t have that many opportunities to meet people to date. I don’t know what the longest stretch was that I had without a date, but I’m guessing it’s probably similar to how long we’ve been dealing with the pandemic. Back then, I didn’t miss dating. Possibly because I had a lot of other things filling up my time. But I think it was mainly because I never was a big dater. No time in my life compares to the past few years with dating. So I didn’t miss things because I never knew any different. But now I do and it’s hard to not miss it.

I will say, I am trying to stay grateful about being single right now. If I was dating any guy that I was dating before right now and was stuck with them all the time, I think I would have been miserable. I might not have the courage to end things because I wouldn’t want to be lonely and there’s not an easy way to date now to meet someone new. I try to convince myself a lot that being lonely is better than being miserable. It’s hard sometimes to believe that, but I know that it has to be at least a little bit true.

Who knows when things will be safer for everyone. I hope it will be soon, but the longer we are in this pandemic the longer I think we might have to wait it out. I’m still trying to find ways to date and be safe, but it’s really limited. I know that if I’m not able to date for several more months, it’s not the worst thing. It’s not great, but I can live without dating if that means I don’t take unnecessary risks and won’t get sick. Maybe having a break from dating will help me be better at dating when I’m able to do it. I guess I’ll find out whenever we are able to be out and social again.

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Still Trying To Figure Out Pandemic Dating (or Sometimes You Can’t Plan For Things)

Posted on September 2, 2020 | Comments Off on Still Trying To Figure Out Pandemic Dating (or Sometimes You Can’t Plan For Things)

My last “normal” date was at the beginning of this year. I actually don’t remember what my last date was before the pandemic really hit here, but I know that it had to be before March. Everything changed in LA in the middle of March. And since then, I’ve been trying to figure out what it means to be single and dating during this time.

Even though I wouldn’t say I’m an expert at dating (nor do I really want to be considered one), I had a pretty great routine that I had when I matched with someone. I had no fear of asking to meet up for coffee or a drink quickly. I had a lot of places that I felt safe to go for a first meeting. And I’ve slowly gotten better at not tolerating bad dates and finding a way to leave if I really had no interest in talking to the guy anymore. And then when everything changed, I had to figure out what to do if I was going to still try to be active on dating apps.

I’ve been trying lots of new things like doing video dates or trying to have socially distant dates. I’ve been messaging with guys significantly longer than I’m used to. Before, I liked to try to set up an in-person date quickly as figuring out if there is chemistry in person is so important. I don’t like days or weeks or texting only to be disappointed that when I meet them I don’t want to date them. And I only remember one guy that I spoke to on the phone before meeting him for the first time before the pandemic. I’m not a big phone person, and I don’t like to give out my number before I meet someone in real life (now, most apps have voice calling within the app so that solves that problem).

There have been a few guys that I have been talking to for a little bit of time. Some of them I know that I am only talking to them because of the current situation and I don’t think I would want to date them (some of them I have been honest with this about and we both agree that we are just being pen pals for now). Some of them seem to have potential and then they fade away. Usually, I get annoyed when I’m messaging with a guy and he stops messaging back, but I’m a bit more patient now. I’m not necessarily unmatching with guys as quickly as I used to for lack of communication. I know that it’s a weird time and maybe dating has to take a bit of a backseat.

And if there is someone I actually would want to meet with in person, there are so many things to consider now that I never had to think about before. I have to figure out good places to meet up with them that are not only in public but also open (since bars aren’t open) and allow us to be a bit distant but still able to have a real conversation. Parks seem to be a safe option, but some parks have been getting crowded since it’s one of the few places that are open and outdoors so a lot of people go there.

And even after deciding to meet up with someone in person and finding a safe place to go, it can all be brought to a halt if they discover that they have been around someone who is a suspected COVID case. And that’s what recently happened with a date I was planning. We had everything set to meet up, and then that day he let me know that he just found out that he had been around someone who might have been exposed to COVID. Even though it was not a direct exposure, he had been distant around that person and not right next to them, and nobody had been diagnosed; it still seemed best to cancel our meeting. I don’t want to put myself at risk and he didn’t want to get me sick either. So the hangout was canceled and that was that for the day. Fortunately, the suspected COVID case did not have COVID. Everything is ok, but it was still a huge reality check.

I don’t know how to be safe and date these days. I guess the safest thing would be to not date, which is what I’ve been doing since March. And I have said that this is the lost year so maybe I just won’t be able to date until things are safe again. But that might be a year away still, so I have to figure out what I can do and still be safe. I don’t think anyone really knows the answer to this because you can be super safe and it’s not a guarantee that nobody will get sick. You really have to trust the other person to be safe and not around other people without a mask, and that trust is hard to have when it’s with someone you don’t really know.

Figuring out how to date these days is something a lot of my single friends have been trying to do. For the first few months, I think all of us were ok with the idea of taking a break from dating until things are safe. I doubt any of us expected to still be in this situation 6 months later. There are so many things about being safe during this time that are so hard, so I understand the desire to want to still date and try to find your person. But nobody has dated during a pandemic prior to this time so figuring out how to do it is something that is a big unknown that all of us are figuring out together.

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So Many Virtual Movie Nights (or Thank Goodness For Technology)

Posted on July 9, 2020 | Comments Off on So Many Virtual Movie Nights (or Thank Goodness For Technology)

I’ve been doing movie nights with Netflix Party with friends for a while now. Honestly, this is what is keeping me sane a lot of the time. I have scheduled NP nights with a FB group every Wednesday and Saturday. Knowing I have those in my schedule gives me something to look forward to.

There are so many things I miss while in quarantine. But one big one is having a communal experience with others. There is something about seeing a movie or a play in a theater and knowing everyone else in that room is seeing the same thing that you are. Watching movies alone at home isn’t the same. So when quarantine started and I was watching a lot of movies on streaming programs, that communal experience feeling was what I was lacking. Thank goodness for NP because it has allowed me to feel like I’m experiencing that just a little bit.

Some of the other streaming services have been setting up their versions of Netflix Party, but so far I haven’t been able to use them. Some of them are only available to subscribers at a specific level and some of them are dealing with too many glitches. We had issues with the glitch problem this past Friday. My regular NP group decided to do a bonus night and watch “Hamilton” together. We wanted to test out the Disney+ Party app, but it was down because so many people were watching at the same time.

So what we decided to do was all get our TVs set and ready to go, and I did a group FB call to everyone to count down when we would start. And we had a specific FB chat group to talk to each other while watching. In some ways, it was nicer because I could watch on my TV instead of my computer. But it’s also nice watching on my computer with NP because the chat is right next to the movie and I don’t have to keep looking down at my phone. But I’m so glad that we decided to watch it together because it made the night so much more fun!

The group was almost equally split between those of us who had seen the show in person and those who had not. I should have seen it a second time by now, but then again if quarantine hadn’t happened I doubt the movie would have been available since it was supposed to come out in theaters next year. But I think I would have enjoyed it just as much if not more if I hadn’t seen it.

It’s rare to see a good movie version of a stage musical. But this does it almost perfectly. I loved seeing the closeups that I never could experience seeing the show live. I love how they do show the full stage and it doesn’t feel like they turned the show into a movie. It just feels like a wonderful and special experience of seeing the stage show.

This was something special to get to watch with friends virtually and I’m glad we could set it up. We probably won’t be doing movie nights with streaming services besides Netflix for now because of the simplicity of the app, but I do hope the other apps fix their glitches and open up to all subscribers so we can expand what we watch.

And besides expanding what we what, I have been expanding who I have been watching movies with. For the most part, it has been the same group that I watch together on Wednesday and Saturday (I call the group the Movie Club). And I do love watching movies with them. Occasionally, I have set up a Netflix Party night with other groups of friends for a one-off movie night. Nothing that is a regular schedule like the Movie Club, but it is nice to get to watch with others.

But this week, I also had my first virtual date using Netflix Party. It was with a guy that I matched with almost a month ago. We have been texting every day and having phone calls a few times a week. We haven’t been able to meet yet (which is so weird to me), but hopefully, we can find a way to safely do it soon. But we wanted to do something different than just talking on the phone so I suggested a movie night on NP. We ended up watching 2 movies (we each picked one) and it was really fun. It was very different from when I have a big group watching, but it was nice and again made it feel like we were having a communal experience. I have a feeling I will have another virtual movie night with him soon.

So many people have said how much harder being isolated would be without technology. And I completely agree. And it’s not just the normal technology like social media and texting keeping me ok. It’s all the new technology things like Netflix Party that helps to bring a sense of normalcy to this very abnormal life. I bet that there will be more apps like this that will help bring people together coming since there is a huge demand for them right now. But I hope they continue because I have enjoyed finding ways to stay connected with friends and family that don’t live near me. I’ve been able to get closer to people while staying away from so many. It’s such a wonderfully weird time we live in.

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Still Figuring Out Dating During COVID (or Phone Calls, Video Chats, And Social Distances Meetups)

Posted on June 16, 2020 | Comments Off on Still Figuring Out Dating During COVID (or Phone Calls, Video Chats, And Social Distances Meetups)

I have continued to be active on the dating apps throughout this quarantine. I didn’t see the need to change that because I am still looking for my person and I didn’t want to give up on it while things were weird. But I have had to make a lot of changes with how I date and what my expectations are.

Normally, my goal when I match with someone on an app is to get a little texting on the app done to make sure we are on the same page about things and then suggest we meet up. I know that chemistry over text is not the same as chemistry in person, so I don’t want to waste time if I text for weeks, and then when we meet we don’t click. Also, I’ve found there are some guys that have no intentions of ever meeting. Either they are scammers and can’t meet or they are just on dating apps to text and flirt. So I want to get rid of those guys and make sure I only spend my time on the ones that really are looking for something off the apps.

But it’s not really possible to meet up with someone right away these days. It’s frustrating to me because it’s such an important part of dating to me. But I’ve been working with what I can do right now. I’m so grateful that a lot of apps have added voice and video call features to them. So I don’t have to give out my number to talk to someone on the phone or have a video chat with them. And I have been doing a lot of that. I used to never talk to guys on the phone before going out with them. It’s weird for me to do it. But not so weird that I don’t want to do it. I just have to figure out the best way to be more comfortable on the phone. I don’t know if I’ll keep up the phone call thing after I can start meeting guys in person again, but I’m glad it’s an option now.

Video calls aren’t as common for me to do. But that’s mainly because I don’t want to do them. I don’t want to feel watched that long when I’m not actually face to face with someone. It’s one thing to be on a 2-hour date with someone and have your focus on them. It’s another to be on a 2-hour video chat and hold that same focus.

And the other day, I was supposed to have my first socially distanced date. It was with someone that I had been texting and having calls with. And we both were interested in trying to move things forward while being safe. So we were supposed to meet at a park where we could sit at least 6 feet apart (and both wear masks). Unfortunately, I was stood up. He didn’t respond to my texts or calls. I don’t know what the point was. Some friends said that maybe he was too anxious to meet me, but then I would hope he would respond or message me saying sorry. I wonder if he ever wanted to meet up or if he was looking for something that I wasn’t looking for. It sucks that getting ghosted still is happening, but I also don’t know why I would expect anything different.

I’m not going to let being stood up bring me down. It sucks, but I can move forward. I don’t really know what dating is going to look like for the future, but it is interesting to see the baby steps I have been taking forward to try to date. Hopefully, it will be safe again soon to have dates without the fear of getting sick. For now, I just have to work with what I can and get creative about figuring things out.

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Dating In Isolation (or Another Thing I’m Trying To Keep Normal)

Posted on April 3, 2020 | Comments Off on Dating In Isolation (or Another Thing I’m Trying To Keep Normal)

Everyone right now is learning how to do things in a new way. There are so many people who have never worked from home that are trying to figure out how to manage things (and they are learning that it’s not as easy as it might have seemed). We are trying to figure out better and safer ways to get the supplies that we need in our daily lives and reevaluating what is necessary and what is not. And we are working on figuring out a new normal and seeing what we can continue doing.

And yes, figuring out our new normal includes some frivolous things. Not everything right now is serious and it’s ok to focus on something that isn’t as important as others. For example, I have a few friends that have had to cancel their weddings because of everything. It’s ok to be upset that it’s canceled even though they know it’s for the best. Or for kids to be upset that they can’t see their friends. I’m figuring out some things that I know are not that important and being upset that I’m not able to do things the way that I’m used to. Everyone is working through this right now and we each have different ways of dealing with it.

In one of the dating related Facebook groups that I’m in, the discussion about dating right now has been a very active topic. There are the obvious things like how we all know that we cannot go out and go on a date with someone. Some people have discussed temporarily moving in with someone that they weren’t super serious about yet so they would still be able to see each other during isolation. Honestly, if I was seeing someone regularly right now, I’d probably be doing that too. Isolation seems to be the make it or break it point for a lot of people. Either they are trying to find a way to be together right now or they realize that they don’t care enough about the other person so they end things.

And then there are lots of people who aren’t seeing anyone regularly or seriously and are debating if they should just temporarily give up on dating right now. There is a lot of reason why this makes sense. In my dating profile, I have a statement that I’m looking for something real and not just a pen pal. I hate messaging back and forth on the apps. I would prefer to meet someone right away because I have had amazing chemistry with someone over text and no chemistry in person. But now, messaging is really all we can do.

But at the same time, I’ve been looking at this as a moment to change up my dating strategy. Maybe not getting to know someone without being in person could be a good thing. It’s not like I have another option. I have to find ways to connect with someone without being together if I want to keep trying. And at the same time, I still want to protect some of my personal details like I always have. For example, I don’t feel comfortable giving out my phone number until I’ve met someone because I like to know they are real and not a scammer.

Some apps are making things a bit easier than others. For example, on Bumble they have a built-in phone and video chat feature. So you can talk to someone on the phone or have a video call without having to give out your number. That’s a nice thing and I wish other apps would have that feature (at least for right now). And I have been using those features with guys that I have matched with in the past week. It’s still not as good as getting to meet someone in person, but it is an improvement over texting.

I have no clue if I will actually connect with someone right now. Or if I do connect with someone that it will last until whenever we would be able to meet up in person. In normal times, I’m not on dating apps just to talk to people. I am on there for the purpose of trying to find someone. But now, I’m relaxing on that idea a bit. I still would love to find my person, but I also am craving any human interaction and dating apps do help to provide that. I’m not just swiping right on everyone to match with anyone and everyone. I still have my standards with who I would want to spend time. But it’s feeling a bit looser and I’m open to talking to people I might have rejected before. Maybe this could help me find someone better than who I have been meeting or maybe not. I have no idea. All I know is that this is one part of my life that I’m not giving up on just because things are changing in the world.

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Default ThumbnailStill Figuring Out Dating During COVID (or Phone Calls, Video Chats, And Social Distances Meetups) Default ThumbnailAnother Dating App Ban (or This Is What Makes Me Over Things) Default ThumbnailDating Life Update (or I Guess I’m Lucky I’m Still Seeing Humor In This) Default ThumbnailStill Trying To Get Back To Normal (or Isolation Monthly Challenges Really Are Not Easy) Default ThumbnailStill Trying To Figure Out Pandemic Dating (or Sometimes You Can’t Plan For Things) Default ThumbnailDating And Disneyland (or Not My Post-It Day)

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Continuing To Share My Experiences (or This Is Going To Be Vague)

Posted on February 27, 2020 | Comments Off on Continuing To Share My Experiences (or This Is Going To Be Vague)

First, I have to apologize that a lot of what I am going to write in this post will be a bit vague. But it’s for a good reason. And hopefully, you all will understand.

I’ve been pretty open about my crazy experiences with dating. Almost everything I post has something funny or an element of humor in it. Even the stories that are about rejection or being hurt is usually done in a positive way. Most of those stories have a lesson that I can share that makes them not as bad. And even the stories about me being heartbroken are able to have something good in them. I haven’t been hurt that much, but when I have it’s usually something I can move past or learn from.

But I have also had some bad experiences with dating that I wouldn’t want to happen to anyone else. I know that my experiences are not unique and they are way too common, but knowing that I’m not alone in those experiences doesn’t make it better. But we are now in a time where more people are coming forward and sharing what happened to them so people don’t have to feel alone. And there is research being done to understand how common this is and what people experience after something happens.

Through a friend, I learned about some research being done about dating and experiences like mine. I can’t go into a lot of detail about what they were researching or what the plan is because they are still working on it and I don’t want to ruin anything they might be doing. But when I learned about what they were doing I was intrigued. And when I learned that they were asking for people to share their experiences, I filled out the form that was online. In the form, it asked if we would be willing to speak to someone further about our stories and I clicked that I agreed to that. But I figured that they probably had a ton of people who said they would talk so I didn’t expect anything to come from it.

But last week, I got an email from someone involved in the research asking me if I was still willing to talk to them. I didn’t respond right away because I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do this. Even though I am pretty open here about what I’ve been through, I am in control of what is written here. If someone else was writing about me or sharing my story, I lose control or what bias might be added. But after thinking about it for about a day, I decided that there was no harm in at least talking to them on the phone and finding out more about what they were doing or what they wanted from me.

I had my phone call earlier this week, and it wasn’t easy. Sharing some of these bad experiences that are still fresh in my mind did make me cry. Fortunately, the person I spoke to understood and wasn’t impatient or frustrated that I needed to take moments when I did. They told me I could end the call whenever I wanted to or change my mind about wanting to share what happened. I was given a few options with how they could potentially share my story, and I decided that they could share it in their research but that they wouldn’t use my name or any identifying details about me. I feel like that’s probably the best option because I don’t necessarily want it to be connected to me but I don’t want my story to be ignored.

I will have at least one follow-up call in the next week or so, and there may be more calls after that. Once things are further in their research, they may have more questions for me or want some things to be clarified. And I’m willing to do that. The hard part was sharing my story and being vulnerable in allowing someone else to share it. Now, hopefully, the follow-up call (or calls) will be a bit easier and not as intense for me. And if this research does use my story and something comes of it, I will probably share it online. I don’t know if I will share it and say that my story is in it, but I can decide that if/when it happens.

It’s interesting to me how it can be so easy for me to be open at times and how difficult it can be at other times. But no matter how tough it was this time, I have no regrets. Sharing what happened to me does give me some power over the situation. I can make sure that people hear my experience and I can hope that they will understand what happened. I got some judgment after I wrote my blog post about it and people said I was overreacting to a bad date. But I know that’s not what happened to me and I will take opportunities when I can share my side of the story so the next person who experiences this hopefully won’t get the same judgment that I got.

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Default ThumbnailYet Another Book Rewrite (or Letting My Blog Posts Inspire Me) Default ThumbnailReaching A New Audience (or Laughing At My Dating Adventures) Default ThumbnailWorld Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open) Default ThumbnailFinding More Ways To Help Via Social Media (or Continuing To Share Good Things) Default ThumbnailA Story I Didn’t Know If I Would Share (or Having Complicated Feelings About People) Default ThumbnailContinuing To Work On My Book (or I Wonder How Many Versions I’ll Have Before I Finish It)

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Connecting Work And Dating (or Is My Job Affecting My Mental Health More Than I Realized)

Posted on February 20, 2020 | Comments Off on Connecting Work And Dating (or Is My Job Affecting My Mental Health More Than I Realized)

Even though I work from home, I have ways to communicate with my co-workers at my customer service job. We use an online chat system to assist customers, and we can also use it to chat with each other. This has been very helpful when we have a question from a customer that we don’t know the answer to or a customer is saying one of told them something that doesn’t seem right. But we often also chat socially with each other in our chat system since our job can be very lonely when it’s not busy and we are all working at our own homes alone.

I probably chat the most with my manager. We always are sharing funny and random things we find online. Sometimes that is what keeps me feeling sane on a day that is driving me crazy. And earlier this week, she sent me a funny meme about how when you apply for a job the hiring manager should be more upfront about what to expect with the job. Such as if you are willing to bend over backward for a customer or get them a manager immediately. And she and I were coming up with our own lines of what we would want to ask future employees doing our job.

Then she said something that hit me a lot harder than it probably should have. She joked that customers should say they are ok with hearing abuse from customers and still be polite and kind to them (we are told often that we are ruining someone’s life because a show is sold out or by enforcing our policies so we do get yelled at on a somewhat regular basis). And as soon as she wrote that, I realized that I do tolerate a lot at this job and I don’t let it affect how I treat a customer while I’m helping them. I don’t stand up for myself (nor can I really in a customer service job) and I have gotten very used to hearing some awful things. When I’m called a bitch on the phone by a customer, I don’t even flinch. It’s something I’m used to and almost expect at times.

But it got me wondering if tolerating this sort of inappropriate behavior at work is also making me tolerate bad behavior in life. More specifically, am I tolerating things I shouldn’t in dating?

That was a bit of a glass-shattering moment for me and I started thinking back at guys I have dated recently or chatted with on the apps. And I know that I have become more open-minded and am not as strict with dating anymore, which is a good thing. I have learned that not everything has to be a dealbreaker for me, sometimes it just needs to be a conversation to understand it more. But I shouldn’t tolerate anything just to be nice.

I know that there are plenty of times that I haven’t tolerated when a guy said something disgusting to me. If they are going to shame me for any part of me or my life, it’s no question that I want to unmatch with them. I don’t have to have someone be abusive toward me to get a date. But there are so many guys that I have realized are between being good guys and horrible guys that I probably shouldn’t have continued talking to.

There aren’t any hard and fast rules about what I am tolerating that I shouldn’t, but it’s making me reevaluate a lot of things. For example, if I am messaging someone and trying to set up plans, I don’t have to tolerate it if they don’t message me for a week and then ignore that we were discussing meeting up. I can bring up that I’m happy to chat with them more in person, but I should push for what I want to do. I know I don’t want to message with someone, I want to meet them and see if we click.

There is a bit of fear still in my mind about rejecting someone who could be my “last chance” (which I know isn’t true because if they aren’t right then they weren’t supposed to be my person). I hate that fear is still there, but I’ve realized that this feeling is so much more than just this fear. I want to be liked and not create conflict, but by doing that I am allowing behavior that I shouldn’t be ok with.

This isn’t going to be a quick fix where I learn how to stand up for myself more, but it’s something that I’m aware of now that I never thought about before. And I don’t want to swing to the other extreme and not tolerate anything that might be slightly different than what I thought. Being open-minded has been such a good thing for me and I don’t want to become closed-off. Finding balance is the key.

And yes, this all relates back to my word for this year. No wonder I felt so drawn to picking balance as my word.

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Default ThumbnailDoing Some More Dating Reflection (or It’s Been An Interesting Year) Default ThumbnailA Little Job Update (or It Was Silly To Be Scared) Default ThumbnailWork Work Work (or Another Very Part Time Job) Default ThumbnailMental Health Month (or Better Late Than Never) Default ThumbnailFiguring Out Some Self-Care (or Working On My Physical And Mental Health) Default ThumbnailWorld Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open)

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I Do Enjoy Valentine’s Day (or Celebrating All Love In My Life)

Posted on February 14, 2020 | Comments Off on I Do Enjoy Valentine’s Day (or Celebrating All Love In My Life)

I know that Valentine’s Day is a love or hate holiday. Some people love being able to acknowledge love in their life or showing how much they love another person. Some people hate it, and I seem to be more familiar with the reasons people hate it. I’ve heard how it’s a holiday that is made up and only to sell things. I know some people think it’s an excuse to have a bad and overpriced date. And others say that it leaves out single people and they aren’t able to celebrate since they aren’t in a relationship.

I’m not going to debate that going out on Valentine’s Day might be overpriced and I have no clue if it’s really a made-up holiday. But I will dispute the idea that it’s only a holiday for people in relationships. I believe that any love can be celebrated on Valentine’s Day. And I’ve written a post about how I celebrate love in my life before explaining this. Things haven’t changed much for me. If anything, I believe even stronger now that everyone should be celebrating all love in their life and not just romantic love.

I’m incredibly lucky that I have as much love in my life as I do. Of course, I do want romantic love and am still searching for it, but my life isn’t less than because I don’t have that just yet. I have amazing friends and family that I love and that I know love me. They support me in all my craziness and I know I could turn to anyone if I needed help. If something happened to me, I wouldn’t feel alone because I didn’t have a boyfriend or husband. When I thought I needed liver surgery, I had friends that said they could come over to help me do the things I couldn’t do for a few weeks. I know that having someone I was in a relationship might mean I automatically have someone who could do that for me, but I have friends who can fill in and I’m fine with that.

For several years, I have celebrated the idea of all the love in my life on Valentine’s Day. But this year I feel that even more. I think that’s due to a realization I had after having a talk with a guy that I was trying to get closure with. In that talk, I realized there is a difference between wanting to be with someone and needing to be with someone. That realization actually gave me the closure I was searching for with that guy. And it made me understand why he and I never could have worked even if he hadn’t done the things he did that hurt me.

But it’s gone far beyond just that closure. I have realized that while I do want a relationship, I do not need it. I am living an awesome life without having a significant other. I am not looking for my missing piece. I am looking for someone who can add amazing things to my life and not someone who needs to fill what is missing. And I think having that thought in my head has helped me remember that my life is full of love even if I don’t have a boyfriend or a husband. And it’s important to remember that love and to celebrate it.

I do try to celebrate the love in my life throughout the year and not just for Valentine’s Day. Life is short and I don’t want to miss the chance to tell someone that I love them or how much they mean to me. I thought about doing something for Valentine’s Day for the people I love, but I just didn’t get it together in time. I did send out holiday cards just about 2 months ago to the people I would have sent Valentine’s cards to, so I do know they know how much they mean to me. I would have loved to have sent out cards again, but it just didn’t happen. Hopefully, next year I can do that.

And as far as my Valentine’s Day plans go, I don’t really have anything planned yet. I have my normal Friday routine with my workout and work, but nothing is planned after that. I might see if a friend wants to meet up and do something. I might stay home and be lazy on my couch. I might end up having a random date (which has happened on Valentine’s Day before). I’m not worried about making plans and whatever I do tonight is going to be the right thing to do. The only thing I know I will do is that I will celebrate the love in my life no matter what because I am so lucky to have what I do have.

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Default ThumbnailEnjoying Valentine’s Day (or Celebrating The Love I Do Have In My Life) Default ThumbnailSo Many Birthdays and Anniversaries! (or A Month Of Celebrating And Remembering) Default ThumbnailCelebrating My Friendship Love (or I Don’t Hate Valentine’s Day) Default ThumbnailCelebrating Some Anniversaries (or Remembering Awesome Family Moments) Default ThumbnailSpreading Some Holiday Cheer (or Finding Cheaper Ways To Make People Smile) Default ThumbnailAnother Day Another Audition (or This Is The Life I Love)

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