Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Being A Bit Paranoid (or Trying To Believe I’m Not Having More Health Issues)

Posted on June 13, 2018 | 1 comment

My body has been such a mess lately. It seems like something has been wrong with me for several months (when in reality it’s most like 5-6 week) and I just can’t be healthy. I’m aware that the cold I got is going to stick with me for a bit longer and that’s a little annoying. But I do see progress every day that I’m getting a bit better. I just can’t wait until I am not coughing all day and I feel like I can breathe normally again.

Right before I got sick, I had a bladder infection (which came right after feeling nauseous). It was cured pretty quickly with antibiotics and I was grateful that I don’t get them that often. They are pretty bad and because I didn’t want to have to take unpaid time off work I had to wait several hours after my symptoms started to get to the doctor for the medication. I had to wait until getting to the doctor to take any over the counter medications that make things less painful so I could be properly diagnosed, but as soon as I finished at the doctor I took everything I could to make it go away.

But then the other day, I was feeling off and couldn’t place what was wrong. Then I started feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom constantly and was terrified that I had another bladder infection. I thought it would be so strange to have another one but I was not willing to take the risk and wait it out. So I called the nurse line to talk to someone and see if I could get a prescription quickly.

With the nurse line, they can call you back when it’s your turn so you aren’t on hold for a while. The wait time was about 2 hours and the entire time I was waiting I was drinking as much water as I could. I know that you can’t always flush it out of your system, but I was going to try it because that’s all I could do while I was waiting. When I finally spoke to the nurse, my symptoms were slightly better but she still felt like it would be best for me to take the antibiotics again.

So I got into the car and drove to Kaiser. As I drove there I realized that I felt pretty much normal again and that maybe I overreacted. But I still wanted to get the prescription in case this was just a temporary break. I went to the pharmacy to order them and then walked into the hospital to use the bathroom. And when I walked in, I will say I was super creeped out by how empty it was inside.

I’ve never seen the lobby with no people inside. There was nobody waiting, no staff at the desks, and nobody walking around. The hospital was open and I have no clue why there was nobody inside. But since I was weirded out I quickly used the bathroom and headed back to the pharmacy to pick up the medication.

By then, I was feeling totally normal and a bit silly for doing all this. If I had just waited it out, I would have been fine. Of course, there was no way to know that when I called to talk to the nurse and I’d rather overreact and not do anything and make the situation much worse. I know a bladder infection can turn into much more serious conditions and I don’t want to cause that to happen.

While I did get the medication, I’m not going to take it right now. I’d rather not take antibiotics that I don’t need. I’m going to keep them because I still am a bit paranoid that this is only a temporary break from the issue and that it’s going to come back and get worse. I feel the same way about my tumors. When I found out they shrunk, I was so sure that it wasn’t real and that they would grow again. When I had my scan last October, I was certain that I wasn’t going to get good news. Fortunately I was wrong about that.

I think that it’s just my nature to be paranoid about things like this when I’ve already had to deal with them. I’m not really worried about medical conditions that I haven’t had personally (or have had close family have). I’m not worried about all the new diseases and conditions you read about in the news. I’m only worried about repeats of what I had or that something that is supposed to be getting better is really getting worse. I’m glad that I was wrong this time and I was fine, but I’m still worried that in a week I’ll be writing about how this post was wrong.

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Default ThumbnailHaving Health Paranoia (or I’m Sure I Am Just Fine) Default ThumbnailBack To Back Medical Issues (or I Guess My Body Gave Me A Sign) Default ThumbnailWorld Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open) Default ThumbnailWeird Health Issues (or I’m Just Falling Apart) Default ThumbnailMaking Small Investments In My Health (or Trying To Not Be Anxious Or Paranoid) Default ThumbnailCan’t My Body Have A Break? (or Back To Back Issues)

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Feeling Blindsided (or Being Tricked Into Believing Some People Are Good)

Posted on June 8, 2018 | Comments Off on Feeling Blindsided (or Being Tricked Into Believing Some People Are Good)

I’m not necessarily someone who likes surprises, but when they are good things they can be fun. But I’m also a bit of a control freak where I would like to know everything that is going on. Even with medical procedures or at the dentist, I make them tell me step by step exactly what is going to happen so I can mentally prepare. I make sure I have control when I can in my life, but I also know that this isn’t the best quality to have.

But being surprised and being blindsided are totally different to me and I think everyone could agree with me that being blindsided is a horrible feeling and not one that anyone would wish another person would feel. Unfortunately, I’ve been blindsided a few times recently and it’s still something I’m working through.

The first time I was blindsided recently was with the guy I was dating on and off for a while. When I got the random message that said he had a girlfriend, I didn’t want to believe it at first. But as time went by without him trying to explain anything I had to come to the realization that it was true and I tried to start moving on. But when he contacted me and he and I had the phone call, it was like a kick to the gut. It really broke my heart to get confirmation of what I thought I already knew. I’m glad I had that call because I am able to move on more than I could before, but it still was awful and I hated the feeling of loss of control in knowing what was happening around me.

And earlier this week, I had another blindsided moment that is so much worse. I use a babysitting app to get random babysitting jobs. I haven’t been that active on the app lately because of a few reasons, but I’ve still been active with the Facebook group that was created for babysitters using the app. It’s been a great way for us to share advice, give support, and just laugh about the silly things that happen when we are working. I do know some people in the group in real life too, but mainly we are just online only friends. But for the people who are posting and commenting a lot, they have become more than just strangers and I love hearing the updates they post about their life.

But on Tuesday in our Facebook group, someone shared that one of the most active members of our Facebook group was arrested. I think most of us thought it was a joke at first but I looked it up and sadly it was true. This person was a male babysitter who always was sharing advice with other men in the group since it can be tough for them to find jobs. Many people believe that men who babysit are doing it because they are predators and that’s not true. Yes, there are horrible people out there, but there are plenty of people who are good people and work with kids for totally harmless reasons.

But while this guy had been posting about how he wanted to eliminate the stigma of male babysitters, it turns out he was a monster. He was arrested for lewd acts with a minor, indecent exposure, and when they arrested him at home they found child pornography on his computer. It’s sickening and I can’t wrap my head around how this all happened. At first I think everyone who saw the story wanted to believe that it couldn’t be true, but we’ve come to the realization that it’s looking like it must be because his bail has doubled twice since he was arrested (starting at about $1 million and as I’m writing this it is over $4 million). With bail that high, they must have a lot of evidence against him and I’m glad that he was caught.

With this news. everyone in the Facebook group has been feeling pretty shocked. This was someone who we thought we knew (and there were people in the group who knew him outside of Facebook as well) and none of us saw this coming. Looking back at older posts of his online, we now see some things that could be viewed very differently knowing who he really is. But there was no way for any of us to suspect him of doing anything wrong.

People in the group blaming themselves for not seeing this sooner has been a common discussion between us. We all have a bit a guilt that somehow we didn’t predict this and make sure he was stopped. As of right now there are 2 victims that were victimized relatively recently, but of course we are all terrified that there are more victims that will be coming forward. And of course we would have wanted him to have been stopped before the 2 victims we knew about, but there were just no signs for us to see.

In our group we’ve all been trying to support each other. Most of us are feeling tricked, feeling numb, and not sure what to do. This feeling of being blindsided is something that I feel in my body as well as in my head and I know I’m not alone. We are doing our best to share information about this situation because we want to see if there were warning signs that we missed because we didn’t know they were warning signs. But at the same time we are all coming to the conclusion that this person was just a monster who was really good at hiding his true self.

While this more recent situation is so much more horrible and disgusting than what happened to me last month, I am grateful that this time I have other people going through the same thing that I can lean on for support. My default is to believe that people are good, and I know that it’s not always the case. But I refuse to believe that people are bad until they prove me otherwise. I need for my own sanity to believe that most people are good and that the monsters are the rare ones. And with believing that I guess I have to accept that sometimes I may be blindsided by situations like this and that I will need to find ways to work through them.

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Default ThumbnailThank You (or I Should Have Done This Sooner) Default ThumbnailFeeling So Much Love (or Embarrassed By People Complimenting Me) Default ThumbnailUnion Working Holiday Party (or Just Enjoying Being Around Good People) Default ThumbnailBeing As Honest As Possible (or Making People Feel Awkward) Default ThumbnailPeople Don’t Get It (or My Comment On The Dear Fat People Video) Default ThumbnailBelieving In Myself (or My Wish From Last Week Came True)

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Continuing To Work On Myself (or More Reflective Challenges)

Posted on June 1, 2018 | 2 comments

I have to admit that the beginning of a month is pretty exciting for me. I used to hate it because that is when so many of my bills are due (and then my bank accounts look so low), but now I look forward to it because of my monthly challenges! It has been tough to pick challenges sometimes, but I do enjoy them and I feel like they have made me a much better person since I started doing them.

Last month my challenge was to do daily intentions/affirmations. I wasn’t exactly sure what to call them when I started the challenge and I still don’t know exactly what to call them now. But every morning I would write something down to set the tone for the day. Sometimes it was a reminder that I was going to get through something tough. Sometimes it was just saying that I will get over my cold soon. And there were other times where it was just a reminder that it was ok to feel what I was feeling or it was ok to do nothing.

Almost every single morning I remembered to write something down either before work or before my workout. There were only a few days that I forgot but it was always done within the first few hours of my day. And it really did help put me into a better mindset with a goal in mind. It was something to focus on from the start of my day as opposed to my gratitude list which is a reflection of how my day went. And it really was a positive change in my month even with how tough things were for me.

And considering how tough the last month was for me both mentally and physically, I’ve decided that my challenge for June is to work on getting back to my normal self. I’ve already started to work on this, but I really want to have a month of refocusing and reconnecting. I still feel a bit out of sorts with a few things and I want to take the time to work on fixing them. I just want to get into a better and more positive mindset and the best way to do that is to work on me.

I know this is another abstract challenge to have, but I think that because I’ve felt disconnected that it’s exactly what I need. I need to just have a month to work on figuring out what I want and what I need. It’s not something that is really measurable but it’s exactly what I need to do right now. I’ve been knocked down a bit lately and my self-esteem took a hit. I want to work on fixing that and seeing what things I can do to make sure that it doesn’t happen again or if it does I can come back quickly from it.

But I’ve got a big list of things that I want to work on that are a bit more concrete. I need to work on food and meal planning (even if I’m not eating breakfast). I want to do more cooking and that fits into the meal planning too. I have worked on cleaning my house but it’s also led me to realize how much more cleaning I need to do. I want to do an inventory of the clothes that I have right now. I totally forgot about a pair of yoga pants that I got last year and almost ordered another pair thinking I didn’t have one already. I don’t want to make that mistake even though I could always return clothes (I just know myself enough to know that I probably won’t). And there are some projects in my house that I’ve been meaning to do that I just need to get done.

All of my monthly challenges have been things to make me a better person, but I think this one is the most personal one I’ve done so far. It’s also the first one where I don’t necessarily have action steps for everything I want to do. I have my list of things that are more concrete, but for the mental things I really don’t know what I will do or what it will take to get me back to being me. But I am excited to see what happens and what new things about myself I learn as I work on this. I know that whatever ends up happening that it will be a positive change for me and that when I’m writing about this again in a month I will have only good things to share.

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Default ThumbnailRecapping A Few Challenges From Last Month (or Getting Ready Stop Going Easy On Myself) Default ThumbnailAlmost Through A Year Of Monthly Challenges (or Picking A Good Challenge For November) Default ThumbnailAnother Attempt At Mindfulness (or I Think I Need To Work On This Until I Figure It Out) Default ThumbnailMy First 2017 Monthly Challenge (or Working On My Tumors) Default ThumbnailStruggling To Figure Out Challenges Right Now (or I’m Just Going To Try To Stay Hopeful) Default ThumbnailBuilding Upon My Monthly Challenge (or Continuing To Work On Shopping)

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Food Scheduling (or Trying Out New Things)

Posted on May 31, 2018 | Comments Off on Food Scheduling (or Trying Out New Things)

I’ve written about it so many times on here, but food issues are my biggest ones. It’s been a lifelong struggle and I’m guessing that it will be something I struggle with the rest of my life. I do hope that it will get easier for me one day, but I’m realistic in the idea that this will never go away completely.

I’ve struggled with what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat. And when I started taking Vyvnase, the struggle of when to eat became bigger than ever. When I started taking it, I could go a very long time without remembering to eat and then it would backfire. I would realize that it was already dinnertime and I was starving. Forgetting to eat was a new issue for me and I really didn’t expect it to happen. So planning to remember to eat became very important to me.

For the past year or so, I’ve had an alarm to go off to remind me to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And it’s been very useful, especially to remember to eat lunch when I’m working. I don’t always eat full meals (especially for breakfast or lunch), but at least getting something into my stomach helps me not feel famished when I do remember to eat.

But when I was sick recently, I was barely eating. For most people, when they are sick and not eating they lose weight. For me, somehow I gain weight. I’ve never been able to explain it, but that’s how my body works. But because of this, I’ve always been fearful of not eating enough in a normal day and causing a weight gain. I know it’s crazy because I’ve done a super low calorie diet before and lost weight, but it’s still a fear in the back of my head.

When I was better, I assumed that I would want to get back to my normal eating schedule. But I was having issues with it. The biggest issue was eating a small breakfast before my morning workouts. I’ve always had a half of a banana or some peanut butter before a workout because I felt like I needed it to keep me from feeling nauseous. Lately even that much food was too much so I had some chocolate milk before a workout and that seemed to be fine. But now even doing that doesn’t feel right to me. So I’ve been doing my morning workouts on an empty stomach.

I know there is a lot of debate on if you should work out on an empty stomach or not. I’m not too worried about the studies because I need to do what is right for me. Some people say they can’t work out as hard if they don’t eat something first, but I’m still working my way back and rebuilding my endurance so there is really no way for me to know if it is affecting me or not. All I know is that I’m not feeling worse without eating right now.

I do try to eat something as soon as I get home from a workout, but I’ll admit that I don’t always do that. But even if I do, I’m basically eating 2 meals a day right now (there have been a few days where it was 1 meal, but I know that I ate too much). I’ve never thought that eating less would be ok with me and not trigger something, but at whatever phase this is of my life it does seem to not cause any issues.

I have friends who do intermittent fasting and love it. I don’t want to commit and say that this is what I’m doing, but I do know that most of my eating is taking place in a 6-8 hour period which does fit into the intermittent fasting plan. I’m starting to do a bit more research on it and how it works with eating disorders because the last thing I want to do is have this backfire soon and make things worse for me than what they were before. If it looks like this will be trouble, then I will go back to making myself eat the 3 meals a day. But I really hate to make myself eat something when I’m not hungry just because of what time it is.

There is a very good chance that this is just a short phase, like all my other food things have been. But I do just have to keep on trying what seems to be more natural and simple for me and hopefully something will work and stick soon. But I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned from all the different things I’ve tried is to not feel like I need to stick 100% to any plan or to feel like I’m stuck doing something. I have to allow myself to be flexible because that is the only way to figure out what I will be able to do and maintain.

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Posted in Food, Fun Stuff, Health, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

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Memorial Day Weekend (or Not Really Doing Much)

Posted on May 30, 2018 | Comments Off on Memorial Day Weekend (or Not Really Doing Much)

This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend and I really didn’t do that much. I did have my show at the Bowl (which was awesome!), but beyond that I didn’t make plans. When there is a 3 day weekend where the day off is Monday, I really don’t have extra time off. My normal day off is Monday so when everyone else has that day off as well it just makes stores more crowded for me. It’s a weird feeling when so many people ask what I will be doing with my day off and I just have to explain that I don’t really have a day off even though I do. It’s just not an extra day off.

In the past, I’ve usually had a party over the weekend since other people were enjoying having a 3 day weekend. This year, my friends who normally host a party had other things they had to do so they couldn’t host. I was a bit disappointment about that because I love their parties and getting to see all my friends, but of course I understood that they just didn’t have the time (and it is a big time commitment for them to always host the parties). I thought about trying to organize something at my house, but I just wasn’t feeling too motivated to do it. I also have such a small house that it can be tough to have too many people over.

I’ll also admit that in the past I didn’t really think too much about the idea of “celebrating” Memorial Day. I just thought of both Memorial Day and Veterans Day as days to thank those who have fought for our freedom and to recognize their service. But more people have been posting lately about the difference with the two days and what they mean. Memorial Day is about remembering those in the military who died while fighting for this country. The idea of celebrating about people who have died is a weird feeling. I know that people say we should be enjoying the freedom we have to do what we want and that is what those people died for, but it’s still a weird idea.

So between not having a party to go to and my feelings about what it means to celebrate this day, I really didn’t feel like doing much. This was a bit of an odd choice since I was just saying how sick of being home and doing nothing I was. When you are stuck at home sick and not able to do anything it can feel so boring. But when you choose to stay home and not do much that can feel amazing. And I was in the mindset that I just didn’t want to do much and that was fine with me.

Monday was also just a day to do all the things I normally would do on a Monday. I had a workout, I had errands to do, and I had to get stuff done to get ready for the week. I didn’t want to take that time doing things that I wasn’t really feeling like doing when I knew that it would affect how my week went. I did end up having a casual coffee date on Monday, but I also made sure that I didn’t neglect all the other things I needed to do.

Even with all my friends who were excited to have an extra day off work, it seemed like a lot of people were in the same mindset as I was. So many people were saying how they were just spending the day at home catching up on whatever they needed or wanted to catch up on. So I wasn’t alone in my feeling that this past weekend wasn’t really one to make a ton of plans or do try to do as much as you could. In a weird way, it helped me feel less alone being alone at home knowing that so many other people I know were doing the same thing.

Even with my weird feelings about celebrating this past weekend, I do agree that it is kind of the unofficial kickoff to summer. I haven’t made that many plans for this summer and I’m starting to try to think about what I’d like to do and start planning more. I know how quickly the summer will go by and before I know it it will be my birthday and the summer will feel like it’s almost over. So I do want to take some time soon to work on making some plans and coming up with ideas for what would be fun.

Sorry if this post is a weird one or a bit depressing. As I’ve written about on here recently, things have been a bit weird for me. I’m working on getting things back to my normal but it hasn’t been as easy as I had hoped. And I think my mixed feelings on the weekend really didn’t help me much get into a better mood or mental viewpoint. But I’m hoping to be back there soon.

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Getting Back To My Workouts (or Dealing With Not Being 100%)

Posted on May 21, 2018 | Comments Off on Getting Back To My Workouts (or Dealing With Not Being 100%)

After having half a week of workouts off last week due to being sick, I was so ready to get back to Orangetheory! I knew at the beginning of the week that I was  probably a bit weak from taking time off, but I just needed to get back to my normal routine.

On Monday I was still feeling a bit sick and knew my workout was going to have to be a light one with much less intensity than I’m used to. It was a 3 group strength workout, but to be honest my focus on the workout was just to get through it.

I used the bike instead of the treadmill and I really didn’t focus at all at what we were supposed to be doing as far as incline/resistance. I kept my bike at what it usually my base pace resistance and never moved it from that during the 15 minutes I was on it. I had to take breaks to catch my breath or to cough probably every 2-3 minutes, but even doing the bike for 2 minutes was exhausting me. It was shocking how out of shape I felt, but I had to keep telling myself that it wasn’t necessarily being out of shape but still dealing with being sick.

Next I was on the rower where we had rowing and shoulder exercises. We started with a 500 meter row and did decreasing rows for the first half and then for the second half started at 100 meter rows that increased. Between each row, we used the mini-bands on our wrists to strengthen our shoulders. Just like on the bike, I had to take breaks during the rows. I would have loved to have done each row without a break, but I knew that was not going to happen. But I just tried to focus on the fact that I was there instead of what I wasn’t able to do.

And for the last part of class I was on the floor where we had 2 blocks. The first block was squats with weights, hip bridges, deadlifts, and side plank leg lifts. I used lighter weights than normal for my squats and deadlifts and they still felt heavy for me. The hip bridges were a bit tough because of my nose being stuffed up, but I still was able to do them and used a weight during them as well. And in the second block we had the mini-bands on our legs to do suitcase squats with a weight and squat walks. While these were a bit easier for me to breathe during, they were still tough for me to do and I had to take several breaks. This workout was far from being one of my great ones, but it felt great to be back and to be getting back to my normal life.

I was still feeling a bit congested on Wednesday, but I was definitely on my way to getting better. But I still needed to work on my endurance and getting back to normal so I stuck with the bike. This workout was a mix of endurance and power but for my time on the bike I didn’t really focus on that. I again just stuck with the resistance I use as my base resistance on the bike normally and tried to go as long as I could without taking a break. I still needed breaks every few minutes, but it wasn’t as often as I needed them on Monday. Technically we had 5 blocks, 3 as power blocks and 2 as endurance blocks, but I didn’t worry about that since I just wanted to work on my cardio and getting myself to where I was before I was sick.

On the floor, during the 3 blocks that were power based we had rowing blocks. The first 2 blocks were 150 meter rows with squats between each row and the last row was 30 seconds of a push row and 30 seconds of an all out row. For the 150 meter rows, I just worked on not needing a break and fortunately I was able to do that. And for the push and all out row, I just rowed. For the endurance blocks on the floor, the first block was chest presses while laying on the Bosu, sit-ups on the Bosu, and Y-raises using the straps. And the second block was lunges while holding a weight and triceps using a weight. I was so happy to be back to using a weight that I would normally use. I did have to take some breaks to catch my breath or to cough to clear my lungs (I knew I sounded gross but I warned people near me about that), but it was much closer to normal for me than I was expecting.

I was still working on getting better on Friday, plus I saw that the workout was going to be strength based, so I was on the bike again. But even though I go a bit easier on the bike, I did take it up a step compared to the past 2 workouts. I did increase my resistance for push pace, all out pace, and incline times. But I didn’t do a ton of variation with the resistance. I used the same resistance for my push pace resistance and all inclines. I didn’t want to push things too much. But I did increase it more than that for the all out resistance. It’s baby steps towards being back to my normal self. And while it is slower than I would like or expected, at least I am seeing some progress.

On the floor, we had 3 blocks. The first block was mini-band work. We had squats with single leg lifts and lateral squat walks. I was happy that I was able to do both with less difficulty than expected. The single leg lifts aren’t easy and with being congested I was worried I’d have very little balance, but that wasn’t the case. I did have to take more breaks than I would have liked during the block, but I’ve learned that will just be the case while I work on getting better. The second block was bicycle chest presses, lateral raises, and lunges. I was using slightly lighter weights than normal and I struggled with the bicycle presses since I was on my back and it was a little bit more difficult to breathe. But again, I pushed through and did better than expected. We ended with a 4 minute core blast which was definitely not one of my best core blasts. I was tired and starting to realize that I might have overdone it a bit earlier in the workout. But I did what I could and still felt impressed and happy when the workout was done.

On Saturday, I was feeling a little bit better but also was a bit sore from going hard at Friday’s workout. So even though this workout was a power based one that was a run/row and it would be ideal to test myself on the treadmill, I stuck with the bike. It was tough to not do the treadmill when I was feeling like seeing what would happen, but I just kept reminding myself that by doing the bike I was going to be able to be back to the treadmill sooner instead of getting sick again.

The run/row for me started with 3 rounds of .4 miles on the bike. After the first round I had a 300 meter row, the second round had a 200 meter row, and the last round had a 100 meter row. The second block had the same row pattern but the bike distance was .6 miles. I was using similar resistance levels to what I was using on Friday but I was able to pedal faster which helped me work harder. And when I had the rowing everything was under the time goal. I even managed to get within 1 second of my 100 meter row PR! I was not expecting that at all.

When I got to the floor we had 2 blocks. The first block was low rows on the straps, crunches, and plank punches. But between each of the exercises we had a round of lunges. And the second block was tricep work on the straps, toe reaches,  and mountain climbers with speed skaters between each exercise. I started the first block going pretty fast through everything. I even was using a weight on my chest during the crunches which was something extra. But when I got to the second block, my breathing issues kicked in. I had to take a ton of breaks to cough and catch my breath. I still got through everything, but I struggled. But in the end, I still did better than I had done in the previous workout. And that’s all I can hope for right now.

I honestly think I may end up being on the bike for a longer time than I thought. I’m still dealing with congestion and being short of breath. If this doesn’t go away in a few more weeks I’ll go to the doctor, but I know that with a cold it can take a few weeks to have all symptoms go away. But until I feel better, the bike is the safer option for me and I’m able to be a little bit easier on myself. But at least I’m back at my workouts and I am seeing progress and improvement. I’m just ready to be back to my normal self already!

 

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Getting Some Answers (or Allowing Myself To Be A Bit Of A Bitch)

Posted on May 17, 2018 | 1 comment

I wrote last month about how I had some unfortunate situations in online dating.  I had been seeing someone on and off for a little while when I got a Facebook message from a random account telling me he had a girlfriend. I sent the guy a screenshot about it and asked him if he knew what this was about and at the time I wrote my last post I hadn’t heard from him.

It’s been about a month since I messaged him and I finally heard back from him yesterday. I don’t need to go into too many details, but he basically admitted that he did have a girlfriend (although they started dating after the last time he and I saw each other in person) and that he was wrong for not telling me. He doesn’t deserve anything from me, but I agreed to talk to him on the phone. He wanted to explain things but that wasn’t my intention with the call.

Ever since I got that random Facebook message, I had questions I wanted answered. And in the month since that message, I’ve tortured myself thinking about what the answers could be and this phone call was my opportunity to get those answers. So I prepared for the call almost how I prepare for phone interviews for jobs.

I wrote down every question I had for him. There were plenty of questions that I knew the answers would hurt me, but I needed to hear it from him and not just have my imagination run wild. And I needed him to hear what I felt about him because he didn’t deserve to just think that everything was ok with us. When I looked back at my questions I wrote before he and I spoke on the phone, I thought that maybe I was being too harsh and mean.

But then I stopped myself. Why shouldn’t I be harsh and mean? Someone who I cared about (and I thought cared about me) hurt me and I had a chance to get answers. I didn’t care anymore about what he thought about me so if he felt like I was being a bitch after asking these questions that was fine with me. This phone call wasn’t for him even though he felt like I was doing him a favor. This was for me to say my peace when I haven’t had that chance in the past.

And the call went pretty close to what I expected. I was screaming and saying some very tough things for him to hear. I was emotional and I didn’t care. I made him listen to me and I forced him to answer the questions I needed answers to. I didn’t get everything I wanted out of the call, but I got more than I had before and that was something I needed. It didn’t quite give me a sense of closure, but it gave me a sense of power when I had felt powerless the month prior.

He and I had some deep conversations when we had been together and he knew that I struggled with a family member telling me that I was never worthy of good things. And I got to tell him that even though I know it’s not the truth, he made me feel like it was true because he didn’t seem to respect me enough to tell me the truth. I only found out the truth from a random person. And while he claims he would have told me the truth soon, I doubt that.

The call lasted about 30 minutes and we agreed that there were still more things that needed to be said between us so there will probably be another conversation. He says he needs to have me forgive him (which I don’t know when or if I can do that) and I need him to admit to his mistakes so that I can regain some more power. I need to believe that this has nothing to do with me. And I know it doesn’t, but I don’t quite believe it yet.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you all this story. This was a huge step for me. In the past, I’ve been treated horribly by men and either let it slide or just ended things without explaining what I felt. This time, I had the chance to force someone to hear what I was feeling. And even with having that chance it was a step to actually take it and go through with it. It wasn’t easy hearing some of the things he had to say, but it would have been harder not hearing anything at all. And I have learned that sometimes one way of being hurt is easier to deal with than another way of being hurt.

There is no denying that I’m hurt (and he admitted that he didn’t realize how much this hurt me until he heard it in my voice) and I’m glad I’m acknowledging these feelings. I felt stupid to feel almost heartbroken over a guy that was never a serious relationship. But even without us being serious, we did care about each other and I felt betrayed by him. I have every right to have these feelings and I don’t think I was letting myself feel that way until this call. During the call I felt worse than I had in the past month, but after the call I finally felt something release from me. I’m still mad, but it’s not as bad as it was before.

After I got off this phone call, I was able to talk to a friend of mine. I needed to be talked down from how crazy I was feeling and just needed to vent and rant. And thankfully my friend totally understood that and didn’t try to interject with any advice. She just listened and told me to honor the feelings I was having. She reminded me that this was just the stupidity of one guy and it really had nothing to do with me. She told me that I deserve so much more than what I got and I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that what happened to me wasn’t representative of me in any way. This was just something that happened to me and it was only representative of the guy.

I know that this non-relationship can’t define who I am. It is just something that happened to me (and will make an interesting story in the book I’m writing) and I will be past this soon. And it reminded me yet again that I am so lucky to have the friends that I have and that even if I don’t have romantic love in my life that I have friendship love. And that love is more powerful and meaningful to me.

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Not Having Fear Of Missing Out (or I’m Sorry In Advance For Boring Posts)

Posted on May 16, 2018 | Comments Off on Not Having Fear Of Missing Out (or I’m Sorry In Advance For Boring Posts)

After being sick for what feels like forever (I’m still not totally better), I’m seriously having some cabin fever. I’ve left my house for a few errands in the past couple of days because I was finally feeling like I wasn’t at risk of passing out, but pretty much I’ve done nothing in a week now. It’s starting to get to me and I’m trying to do more and more things each day to help be out of this boredom. But even with doing a few things, there are plenty of things I’ve missed out on.

There was supposed to be a Disney adventure with friends this past Monday. I was starting to feel a bit better then, but I also knew that I would be exhausted just walking from the car to the tram into the parks. There was no way I could do a day at Disneyland. And my friends totally understood (they ended up having other things they needed to do that day too). Disney days are always fun, but it would have been awful if I was there and feeling miserable. I’m glad I didn’t go but I’m totally ready to reschedule and be there soon!

And yesterday I was supposed to go to an informational session at SAG-AFTRA. Yesterday was the first day I felt really like myself. I was still sniffling and coughing, but my voice didn’t sound like I was sick and I wasn’t dealing with fatigue. And I thought about still going to it because I wanted to get back to my normal life, but I also knew that I didn’t want to be there and coughing and sneezing the entire time. And even though I know I’m not contagious, I bet other people there wouldn’t really want to be sitting next to me if I was sniffling the entire time. So I ended up staying home for that too.

While I was looking forward to both of these things, I’m fine that I missed out on them. I know it was for the best for my health and that has to be my focus while I get over this epic cold! I know that having these lazy days are exactly what I need to do to get my body healthy again. It’s a little frustrating that this is taking so long, but the improvement each day is keeping me hopeful and motivated.

But the one regret I have about missing out on things is about what I can write on here! Those days would have been fun posts for me to write (and for you to read) and now I don’t have them. And there are only so many posts I feel like I should write about being sick even if it has taken over my life for a week and a half so far. I always try to keep this blog interesting and fun and when I’ve had nothing in my life to write about for so long it’s tough! So I’m sorry if the posts lately have been a bit boring. I’m hoping to make things interesting again soon and I should be going to some fun things in the coming days as long as I keep feeling better.

I know I have a few friends who are also battling this epic cold (fortunately, I don’t think I passed this on to anyone else I know). It’s almost like a hybrid cold/flu and seems to be taking so many people way longer than normal to get over it. It sucks that I got this, but I’m grateful that I’m healthy enough that I was able to fight it on my own. All I had to do was take about a week off of my life and take some over the counter meds. That’s a minor inconvenience compared to what other people have had to do (including going to the hospital for breathing treatments). So if you are reading this while dealing with this cold bug going around, I’m sorry you are sick. And I’m sorry if my blog is dashing your hopes that you will be over this bug quickly.

And to everyone reading this, sorry for the boring posts that I’ve had lately and will possibly have for a few more days. There’s not a ton to write about when you are napping and watching a lot of tv and I can’t wait to be done with that and back to my normal life again.

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This Cold Really Took Me Down (or Several Days Of Doing Nothing)

Posted on May 15, 2018 | 6 comments

I wrote a very short post on Friday about being sick. I wrote that when I was so sick that I can’t believe the post had coherent sentences. I don’t get sick that often (although I was surprised looking back at old blog posts that I was sick last fall) and this cold I caught was possibly one of the worst ones I’ve had as an adult.

One of the weird things about this cold was I know exactly when I was exposed to the germs. I was on a date on Monday and the guy I saw told me on Tuesday that he was sick. So I knew the day I caught it was Monday. I could look at these different timeline things online about what symptoms to expect each day of being sick which I usually don’t look at. And since I wasn’t feeling off until Wednesday, I missed the first few days of the cold.

Thursday morning when I woke up, I almost passed out trying to stand. If I had to drive to a job, there would have been no way I could have worked. I barely made it from my bedroom to my desk. I have no idea how I managed to work on Thursday, but I did. And as soon as I was done with work, I took a 4 hour nap and then got ready for bed and went to sleep. Friday was just as bad if not worse. I was feeling like I was ready to pass out at any moment. I couldn’t breathe through my nose and I was constantly trying to clear my throat so I never felt like I could catch my breath.

Saturday was pretty bad too, but I managed to stand long enough to take a shower. And after that, I was able to drive 2 blocks to the grocery store to get some cold medication and soup. And on Sunday, I finally was able to breathe through one side of my nose and didn’t feel like my head was so heavy it was going to fall off my neck.

With the exception of the 10 minutes I was at the grocery store, from Wednesday evening until Monday morning I never left my house. And even though I was in my house all that time, my house became a huge mess. I wasn’t cleaning and didn’t really care that things were piling up. I know that I could have been worse, but this cold was really brutal and took me out of things for a while. I love lazy days sometimes, but having 4 days in a row where not only I was lazy but I felt awful was not something I wanted to have.

I know that lying low and taking things easy was exactly what I needed to do. If I had pushed myself more I could have gotten sicker or made this last longer. I’m still not totally better yet, but starting on Sunday I was finally over the hump and getting better. And knowing that I’m at the tail end of this thing is helpful. But I really just want to get back to feeling normal. I know there is a joke online about how you are never grateful to be able to breathe through your nose until you can’t do it because you are sick and you feel like you never appreciated your body doing that. I’m still in that phase right now and I can’t wait to be back to where I don’t think about my body being able to do anything.

Hopefully I won’t be sick again for a long time and that this will be the worst cold I have for another decade or so. I hate being so out of it and feeling like this. Sick days as an adult are nothing like sick days when you were a kid (and you had someone to take care of you and you spent the day watching tv). I can’t wait to have the energy to clean my house since now it needs a major deep clean.

And even though I got this cold from a guy I went on a date with, I will still give him another chance since I really can’t blame him for this. He didn’t realize I would get sick from seeing him. And if he felt even half as miserable as I did over the past week, then I feel like that is a bit of payback for him getting me sick.

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A Very Short Workout Week (or Having Some Sick Days)

Posted on May 14, 2018 | Comments Off on A Very Short Workout Week (or Having Some Sick Days)

Going into this past week of workouts, I honestly was expecting it to be pretty normal. I was starting to feel good again and I was looking forward to seeing what the workouts would be. And as always, when I have any expectations they seem to not happen that way. And this week of workouts really was that way.

Monday’s workout was a power switch day and it was a 3 group workout. All those things are pretty much my favorite types of workouts so to have them all together made me so happy! I just wanted to be back to my normal workout feeling after having a few weeks of feeling off in a row. And this workout did just that for me!

We had 3 blocks at each station and I started at the treadmill. The first and last block were the same with a 2 minute push pace, 1 minute base pace, and then a 30 second all out pace. I was doing my normal speed and inclines for those. I was having a bit of hip issues (my hip had popped out on Sunday evening and I don’t think it was totally back on Monday morning) but overall I was so happy with those short blocks. The second block on the treadmill was a bit longer But it still had a similar pattern to the short blocks. We had a pretty much a repeat of the first block, then a walking recovery, a shorter version of the first block, a walking recovery, and we ended with a 30 second all out pace. This block was a little bit harder on me with my hip, but I was still at my normal speed and inclines.

We were only on the rower for the first and last block (my class wasn’t full so we had almost a hybrid of the 2 group and 3 group class format). The first block was decreasing rows with medicine ball squat presses between rowing. And the last block was increasing rows with medicine ball squat presses between rows. The first time I did front presses and the second time I did overhead presses. And on the floor, we had bench sit-ups to squats (which were weirdly tough for me because my feet didn’t quite hit the ground during the bench sit-ups) plus an ab exercise for the first and third blocks. And in the longer middle block we had regular lunges, speed skater lunges, and sit-ups. That longer block was getting me so tired and my legs felt so heavy, but I was able to keep going! Overall, this workout was exactly what I needed to feel back to myself and to help me shake the nerves I was having knowing I’d be going to the dentist after my workout.

Wednesday’s workout was an endurance day with long blocks. I was feeling a little off in the morning, but nothing too bad. I figured that sweating in a workout would help me feel better and I was excited to see what we had to do.

The treadmill was a 22 minute block that had 4 rounds of 4 minute progressive push paces. For a power walker, that meant increasing the incline every minute for those 4 minutes. Since I was feeling a bit off, I took things a bit easier than normal and increased my incline by .5% each minute instead of 1% like I have in the past. It was a tough workout and those progressive push paces were making me work hard, but I felt so accomplished each time I got through one!

The floor was also a long block that had mini-blocks inside of it. The first mini-block was dumbbell swings, tricep extensions with weights, and lunge shoulder presses. We had 3 rounds of those exercises and then we had an 800 meter row. I focused on just being at a steady pace with the row and got it done in under 4 minutes. Next was a mini-block of high rows on the straps, triceps on the straps, and these interesting sit-up type moves called half get ups. Then it was a 400 meter row. After that, we were supposed to complete the exercises as 1 long block. I was just getting started at that when time was called.

I had planned to go to workouts on Friday and Saturday, but being sick prevented me from going. It’s rare that I’m so sick that I can’t work out. And I’ll be writing about my days of being a sniffling mess tomorrow. But it was a tough decision for me not to go to class those days. I know there was no way I could do the workout, but I still waited until the last minute to cancel my class. I just kept thinking how not going to class would be tough on the various goals I have set for myself with workouts. But if I had tried to go, I think that things would have been so much worse for me.

I’m hoping to be back to my workouts this week. I know I will need to take things easy and slow because I’m still not totally better, but I am antsy to be getting back to my normal routine!

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