Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Asking For Help Again (or Trying Not To Feel Desperate)

Posted on December 19, 2018 | 2 comments

Job hunting has been a part of my life for a long time. Even when I had regular jobs, I’m always looking for other things I can do because it never hurts to make more money. I figure the more money I make, the quicker I can pay off my credit card. This has been my game plan for a long time because I want to have no debt in my life, but it just hasn’t been my reality yet. For a while, I was doing pretty well at making dents into what I owe, even if I wasn’t going at the pace I wanted to. But it was amazing to see the total owed go down and I felt hopeful that I would reach my goal eventually.

But lately, that’s not what has been happening. I’m down to one day job right now, and that job doesn’t pay enough for me to live off of it. It basically pays enough to cover my rent and maybe one of my cheapest utility bills. I’ve been looking for a new job for a while and looking for a job is almost like a full time job for me. When I started job hunting, I mainly focused on remote positions that I could do around my current job schedule. That worked out really well with my last job and it would be amazing to find something like that again. Then I started looking at remote jobs that would be replacing my current job. Even though I enjoy my current job and it’s easy, I can’t keep it if there is something else out there for me that can pay me enough. And now I’m just applying for anything and everything I’m right for.

On average, I’m guessing I’m applying for 50-60 jobs a day. It’s a lot and it’s a bit ridiculous, but I have to do whatever it takes to find another job. I hate feeling so hopeless and stressed, but I honestly don’t know what else to do. I know I am very lucky and privileged that if it comes down to it, my parents can help me out a bit. But I don’t want to ask for their help. They already do so much for me and it’s so embarrassing that I can’t be an adult and take care of my financial stuff myself. I hate feeling dependent on someone else and even though I’m grateful to have them there if I need it, I don’t want to have to ask. I’ve already spoken to my parents about my current situation and they know what’s going on, but I’ve also said over and over that I don’t want to have to ask for help from them. I am just trying to stay hopeful that something will come my way.

And like with the other job hunting type posts I’ve written on here, I’m asking you all for help. If any of you know of any jobs, can you please comment on here, use the contact form to reach me, or message me on social media? I’d love a remote job and that would allow me to work for companies anywhere in the world, but if they are non-remote jobs I’m looking for something in LA (preferably on the westside of LA but I can’t afford to be picky right now). I have found jobs through my friends so many times and I have a feeling that my next job will be through a referral again since that seems to be the most common way people are finding work these days.

And I’m looking at lots of random side jobs that I could do. I’ve gotten my availability back up for babysitting again on the apps I’m registered with since that can be really good money. I’ve looked into doing dog walking which is something I did years ago (I stopped because the company I worked for was being weird about paying their employees). I’ve looked into working for the scooter companies for charging scooters. And I’m signing up with different temp agencies because I know that maybe I’ll find something good that way.

I’m really doing whatever I can right now and it’s just hard when things aren’t happening for me. I have gotten some rejections from applications I’ve been doing online and at least that proves that someone is seeing what I’m sending out. And I have gotten some responses back regarding some of the jobs, but when I looked into them they appear to be more of a scam than a job (like having to pay to work for them or the point of the job is to get friends to sign up). As much as I want to believe I will find something soon, I know right now is a weird time to get a job with the holidays. I won’t stop applying for things because of that, but I’ve also had to be realistic and realize that I might not be able to find something until the new year.

All I can do is keep applying for everything I can, keep asking if anyone knows of any jobs, and hope for the best. I know eventually I will find something, but I really thought that eventually would have happened by now.

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Default ThumbnailA Job Hunting Update (or Making Sure I Don’t Repeat My Financial Year Again) Default ThumbnailJob Hunting (or You Never Know Unless You Ask) Default ThumbnailAnother Almost Job (or It’s Feeling Like Groundhog Day) Default ThumbnailTime To Make A Game Plan (or Guess I’ll Be Doing Some Job Hunting) Default ThumbnailFeeling Secure (or Not Letting Past Jobs Make Me Feel Bad Anymore) Default ThumbnailUnemployed Again (or Trying To Not Make It Feel Like Summer Break)

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Posted in Tough Stuff, Work

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Trying To Avoid Holiday Burnout (or Staying Home For Self-Care)

Posted on December 13, 2018 | 1 comment

I’ve written about laziness being self-care for me sometimes. I can be very obsessed with getting things done sometimes and I know that it can lead to burnout for me. And when that happens, it usually takes me a while to get back to normal and I’m in this endless cycle of making up for lost time with being busy and being lazy. Finding the balance is a struggle that many of us have and I know a lot of us have been working on it for years.

While I don’t think I have the balance figured out, I had a small victory for me in finding it. This is the season of holiday parties and it can be very overwhelming. If I went to all the parties that I was invited to, between last Saturday and this Sunday I would be at 12 different events. This is not me bragging that I’m invited to a lot of things because many of them are with a lot of the same people or just something casual. But because they aren’t big events, I feel like I should make more of an effort to attend them. When it’s not a big deal, I can feel like I don’t have as many excuses to stay home.

I was supposed to attend a holiday party for an organization I’m a part of earlier this week. I had been looking forward to it and it was on a night that I didn’t have anything else so I thought I’d have no reason not to go. Of course, life never goes the way I expect it to go and this week is the week that I have my worst nausea and pain. And while I know I can push through it and will be doing that other nights this week, I had to prioritize myself and realize that staying home would be the best thing for me.

While I don’t love missing out on an event because it’s always a great opportunity to meet new people (especially now when I really need to find a new job!), I also know that if I go and I’m not feeling my best that I won’t make the best impression either. There would have been a chance that I would have driven to the event and already feeling like I’m ready to go home. Then the entire time that I would be there, I would be watching the time and wondering when I had been there long enough to feel like I had been social so I could go home. And that’s just not what I want to have as the impression that people would have of me.

So I stayed home instead of going out to this event. I didn’t do much at home besides catching up on podcasts and job hunting, but it was exactly what I needed to do for myself. Sometimes being anti-social is more important than being social in order to take care of yourself. And I think I’m not feeling too guilty about staying home because I have so many other events happening this week and weekend. I did not stay home from the only event I had this week and the rest of the week I’ll be bored and wishing I had plans. I found a balance and had to pick which events were a bit more important for me to go to than others. And while I could have picked a different event to skip and gone to the one I missed, I also know that I should be feeling better as the week goes on and that played a factor in the decision too.

I know that holiday burnout is a real thing and I see it happening to so many friends as well as myself. There’s no need for me to put so much pressure on myself to do it all when I know that nobody is expecting me to do that. And with self-care being a very important thing for many people right now, I imagine that if anyone wondered where I was and asked me about it, they would understand if I said I needed to do some self-care and stay home. I’m working on self-care being more than just things I do for myself but also including doing nothing when I know that is the best thing for me at that time. 

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Posted in Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff

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Having To Defend Myself (or My Eating Disorder Isn’t Taken Seriously By Others)

Posted on November 29, 2018 | Comments Off on Having To Defend Myself (or My Eating Disorder Isn’t Taken Seriously By Others)

My eating disorder is still a big part of my life. I don’t think about it as often as I used to, but it’s still a major factor in multiple aspects of my life. I’m so grateful that I’m on medication that does help make things easier to manage at times, but it’s not a cure. But I do still have to do a lot of work on my own and it’s not easy. I struggle most days at least for a part of the day and there are days where I struggle the entire day. I often wish that this wasn’t how my life had to be, but it is the way it is and I can’t change it about myself. I feel very certain that I was genetically disposed to have an eating disorder and all I can do is work on managing it and trying to get into recovery.

I’m very open about having an eating disorder (possibly too open at times), but I find that being open is helpful to me. I don’t have to hide something about myself and when I try to explain things that my eating disorder affects it’s much easier than just speaking around it. One thing that is easier to explain is why I look the way I do when I workout 4 days a week.

If I didn’t have an eating disorder, I’m sure that I would look amazing. I don’t know if I’d be as thin and muscular as I’d like to be, but I would be in normal sized clothing and nobody would question me if I worked out or have other people in my workout class who don’t know me treat me like it was my first class ever and come congratulate me on starting to work on my health. I know that I’m much stronger than I look and I’m probably in better cardiovascular health than people who are naturally thin and don’t work out, I just don’t look like that.

And I’ve had people question me about if I really work out or if my workouts are worth it lately. Whenever I go to the doctor they do the intake questions which includes if I work out. I always say I do 4 days a week at Orangetheory and the person doing my intake usually looks shocked and tells me they are proud of me. I hate being talked down to like that, but it’s not worth me saying anything back. They don’t know me and I don’t need to explain myself because it will just happen again the next time.

But more recently I had someone who I know well ask me if my workouts were worth it because I look like I had gained weight (I haven’t, but maybe I look like I have?). They didn’t question if I was working out, but they questioned if I was wasting my time and money on something that they felt was not worth it for me.

I was speechless when that happened and I could only mumble that it’s hard to show progress when I still am battling my eating disorder and quickly changed the subject. I really couldn’t think of anything to say or a good comeback and just wanted to move past that discussion. I knew that if I had to hear them dismiss my workouts or effort any longer that I would probably start crying and I didn’t want to deal with it.

But the more I think about it, the more that conversation angers me. Beyond it just being rude, it’s disrespectful and if I was in a worse mental state it could be harmful to me. If I wasn’t feeling so good about my workouts, maybe hearing from someone else that I am wasting my time would make me stop working out because it isn’t making me lose weight right now. I might have a binge episode because I felt like all my work wasn’t worth it. Fortunately, I didn’t have either of those reactions and I almost used it as motivation to just keep trucking along.

I know that binge eating disorder isn’t as well understood as other eating disorders, but that doesn’t give anyone who knows I have an eating disorder an excuse to downplay the seriousness of it. Imagine if I was someone with anorexia and was trying to get into recovery but was still very thin and unhealthy looking. And if the person who talked to me said that clearly I was still sick looking so working on eating food is a waste of my time and effort. I don’t think anyone would ever say that to someone battling anorexia, but binge eating disorder isn’t taken as seriously by many people. They see it as a lack of self-control, lack of willpower, or just being lazy. And that’s not the case at all.

I think if this was all about willpower that I would probably have already gotten into recovery and this wouldn’t be anything I would need to worry about. But there are so many factors that make this so tough to get over and it’s not just eating less and eating healthier. Whenever I have a binge episode, it’s not something I want to do. And I always regret it immediately. Sometimes that regret happens in the middle of an episode so I can stop myself, but sometimes it’s not until it’s over and it’s too late to make it less severe.

I know that I can’t expect others to change how they treat me and that when people treat me and my eating disorder with this lack of respect that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. But it does still hurt because I work so hard every day to get into recovery. I hate having my efforts being dismissed like this and I have to remind myself that they don’t know my life or my situation. I’m just grateful that I am surrounded by so many people who treat me the way I should be treated and they have helped me realize that I am working hard. They show me that they are proud of me and I use that when I am feeling down. I’m lucky that most of the people in my life are people who work to help me and it’s only a few people who seem to want to bring me down.

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Posted in Food, Health, Tough Stuff

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An Interesting Plane Flight (or A Return Of My Panic Attacks)

Posted on November 23, 2018 | 1 comment

I flew to Sacramento earlier this week to spend Thanksgiving with my family. The past several years Thanksgiving was in San Diego, but since my grandma moved to Sacramento we all traveled to be where she is. It was weird to fly for Thanksgiving since it had been so many years since I had to do that. And I realized when I got to the airport that it had been over 2 years since I had been on a plane.

I haven’t been a huge traveler over the past decade or so, but I usually would take at least one flight a year. So to go 2 years without flying was possibly the longest I’ve gone without a flight. I wasn’t too worried about it and was almost thinking it was funny it had been so long, so I was pretty relaxed when I got to the airport. Even with all the travel, parking issues, and getting through security; I was in the main terminal with plenty of time to spare. So I relaxed and got some dinner before I had to go to my gate.

While I was sitting at the gate, I started to notice some signs of a panic attack. It’s been a long time since I had an attack so I was hoping maybe I was thinking too much about it. Plus, I didn’t have any of my panic medication with me (and I’m sure it’s all expired) so I was just trying to stay calm and not think about it. But things kept getting worse for me. I was feeling very off and I just wanted the flight to be over with. But I still had time to wait before we boarded so I tried to focus on my book.

I was in one of the first boarding groups so I got a window seat and tried to settle in. I turned the fan on as high as it went because I was starting to sweat and shake. I knew I was probably going to have an attack on the plane and I couldn’t do much to change that. I just had to push through and hope it didn’t last the entire flight. The flight was full so the middle and aisle seats in my row were taken, but the people sitting in them were sleeping before we took off so I didn’t have to worry that they would be worried about me.

I really tried to just read my book and not think about things, but my mind just kept wandering. I had a pretty strong attack during the takeoff and a couple of moderate ones during the flight. The flight was only an hour so to have a couple of them felt like I was having them the entire time, but I know there were moments of calm during the flight that I was able to read.

Because I was flying at night, I didn’t realize we were about to land until I could see the runway below us right before we touched down. I only had a minor attack from the time we touched down until we got to the gate so that was much easier to deal with. Once I got off the plane, I stood in the jetway for a moment to try to catch my breath and relax. I’m sure there were people looking at me while I was calming down but I didn’t care. I wanted the attack to be done so I could get out of the airport.

Walking through the airport and in my Uber ride to the hotel, I was decompressing from the attack. I felt exhausted and my body was hurting. It’s been so long since I’ve had one and I forgot how it takes so much out of you both mentally and physically.

I’m glad it wasn’t worse and I’m very proud of myself for getting through it without any medication. I don’t know if I’m going to try to get a new prescription because I’m really hoping this was a one time thing. I do have my flight back and I am a bit worried about it, but I’m trying to stay optimistic as well. Maybe this attack only happened because it had been so long since I flew? I know my attacks at the dentist have stopped and I go there 3 times a year. So maybe it was just that I was out of practice with flying and my flight home will feel more routine.

No matter why it happened or if it will happen again, the fact is that I had a panic attack on the plane. It wasn’t fun and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I made it through. And if I have another one, I just need to remind myself that I can get through it again. I would prefer if I could get through it when I’m home and have more things around me that comfort me, but I have done it on a plane surrounded by people so I think I can make it through in any circumstance.

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Posted in Tough Stuff, Travel

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Being Social and Nauseous (or Taking Some Inspiration From My Workouts)

Posted on November 20, 2018 | Comments Off on Being Social and Nauseous (or Taking Some Inspiration From My Workouts)

I write about dealing with nausea in my workouts quite a bit. It’s usually about a week or two every month so I have a lot of workouts where I am nauseous. Last week was one of those weeks. And I think that I really do well when it comes to not letting that set me back too much. I do have to make several modifications to my workouts when I feel that way, but I still go. And it’s a point of pride with me that I still make it to my workouts no matter how bad the nausea gets. While I have missed class before when I’m sick, it’s never because of nausea.

But for some reason, I can’t seem to take that idea and apply it to the rest of my life. When I have my bad nausea days, I want to just hibernate in my house. I rarely will leave the house beyond my workouts and I will go out of my way to not have to leave. If I was planning on going to the grocery store, I will order delivery food so I don’t have to be outside the comfort of my own home. I will go do things if I have no alternative or if it is time sensitive, but I really do prefer to be home when I feel like that. I don’t always throw up when I’m nauseous, but I’m always terrified that I will and I’d rather be sick at home.

I do miss out on some fun things because I want to stay at home, but it’s only been lately that it’s really upsetting me that I do that. I have missed a few really fun events that I wanted to go to, including 2 different goodbye parties for friends who are moving away from LA. Fortunately, both of those friends still have time before they each leave for the cities that they are moving to, but it still sucked to miss an event that I had been excited to attend. I know that they both understood why I didn’t make it to their parties and for both of their parties they had a lot of other friends there. But that doesn’t make me feel any better about letting my nausea stop me from going.

I don’t know why I have the ability to push through the nausea to go to workouts when I don’t have the same ability to push through to go to something fun. Maybe it’s because I know a workout is only an hour long and going to a party might be longer? Maybe it’s because in a workout I don’t have to do much with other people and at a party or event I need to be social and have fun? I’m not exactly sure what the reasons could be but I know that it’s something. And I really want to figure out how to get beyond this.

I’ve been lucky that I haven’t had to miss a lot of events due to the nausea, but I know that this isn’t necessarily going to get better. I have several more years of these weeks of nausea each month ahead of me and I don’t want to have to plan my life around those weeks. I need to work on some skills that I can use to help myself not feel as awful or to hide how I do feel. I have my various medications and homeopathic options to try to make myself feel better, but I guess it’s time to explore more options beyond what I have. And I also know that being as open about this struggle as I have been has helpful as my friends don’t seem too upset if I’m at a party and not feeling my best. They understand why I might not be chatty and they don’t bug me about why I’m not acting like my normal self.

And maybe I can use the fact that I can go to my workouts while nauseous as inspiration for how I can be out and doing fun things while nauseous. I should pay more attention to my body and what I use to make it through my workouts and use that for the rest of my life. I don’t know why I haven’t done that yet, but maybe I needed something to be the inspiration for wanting to work on this even more than I have. I still have the small hope that there will be something that will end up working for me every month to either not feel nauseous or to make it tolerable. But I also have to be realistic and plan for that to not happen. So I have to figure out my own solution to work through this to stop letting it affect my life as much as it does.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

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Yet Another Life Lesson From Dating (or Finding Power When Not In Control)

Posted on November 16, 2018 | Comments Off on Yet Another Life Lesson From Dating (or Finding Power When Not In Control)

I don’t know why I’m learning so many life lessons from dating. Maybe it’s because that’s the main thing in my life that hasn’t been a part of it for as long so I’m discovering new things all the time. Maybe it’s because that’s the place I’m out of my comfort zone the most and that is pushing me to change and set my standards. Or maybe it’s just random and doesn’t mean anything. Whatever it is, I just keep learning more as I date. I am ready to find someone amazing and not keep learning from dating, but that’s not what seems to be in the cards for me right now.

Every so often, I feel like guys from my past come back into my life for some reason. These always happen in groups so when one guy from my past comes back into my life, I know it’s just a matter of time before another one comes along. And that has happened in the past week for me. One guy is just someone I lost contact with and it was nice to reconnect with him. Our communication was always through the app and when my account got banned I lost my conversation with him. So when we rematched and were able to start talking again, it was nice. Hopefully I’ll get to see him again soon and see if we still have fun.

The other guy is a guy that I didn’t have as nice of an ending with. I’m not going to go into specifics with it because it doesn’t matter, but we ended on a bad note and I figured I would never hear from him again nor did I want to. But he reached out to me, we talked a bit, and I don’t have as many negative feelings toward him. But he is seeing someone else right now and I am not going to be the other woman or someone he sees on the side. I understand that when you date someone, if you haven’t said you were exclusive that you should assume you aren’t the only person they are seeing. But if you have an understanding that you are exclusive with someone, seeing someone else is cheating.

I told him that I am not willing to be a secret or someone he cheats with. If he wants to go out with me again, then the person he is seeing now needs to know that they aren’t exclusive. My understanding is that she believes that they are, so he would need to have a real conversation about how he wants to be able to see other people. I don’t necessarily want to be with someone who is serious with someone else, even if they have an open relationship. But if he wants to try seeing me again to see if we could be together again, the only way to do that is if all parties involved know that they aren’t exclusive.

I let him know this and told him it is his choice. If he wants to see me again, he knows what I require. If he doesn’t want to have to have that talk, then he and I won’t see each other again. If he doesn’t want to have the talk but still wants to see me, it’s too bad. I’m not willing to do that. I guess it’s kind of an ultimatum, but I really didn’t see it that way. I saw it as setting my standards and letting him decide what he wants to do.

I was sharing this story with a friend of mine after I told this guy what options he had, and I was having a bit of a tough time explaining why I felt so powerful in what I did. I have no clue what the next step will be as the guy has to make the next choice. But I feel completely in control and have no regrets. My friend and I were talking around the idea and I was just trying to find the words to express what I was feeling.

The idea of “the ball is in his court” kept coming to my mind, but that didn’t seem right. That makes it feel like he has the power and the choice of what is next and that was not how I felt. So I came up with the idea of “the ball is in his court, but I was the one who served it to him there”. That felt perfect to me. Yes, he has the choice in what he wants to do next. But I am the one who presented the choices to him and there is no other option than those. If he doesn’t want to pick one, then we won’t see each other and that is fine with me. I am not going to go against my standards and I feel very secure and comfortable in that idea.

So many things were so clear to me once I came up with that idea. Even when I am not the one deciding the next step, that doesn’t mean I have to be powerless or helpless. I have ways to find power even in situations that I don’t completely control. After that idea was said out loud to my friend, a huge weight felt like it was lifted off of me. I don’t care as much about what this guy will decide next anymore. While it would be nice to see him again and see what we could be, I don’t want to see him if it isn’t in a situation I’m comfortable with.

I don’t know how I can apply this new mindset to other things in my life, but I want to figure it out. I know that rethinking when I have power and control is important and can be used in so many other situations I find myself in. I guess I just have to naturally let those situations find me and remember this idea so I can apply it in the moment.

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff

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We Are All Tired Of This (or When Will Someone Try To Stop These Shootings)

Posted on November 9, 2018 | Comments Off on We Are All Tired Of This (or When Will Someone Try To Stop These Shootings)

I do not want to always write about sad things on here, but sometimes I have to because I am not willing to be a voice that doesn’t speak up. I have spoken up about many different issues on here, but one I have written about a few times is mass shootings. This is something that happens often enough that I haven’t written about many of them on here. But on social media I usually do and I really am so tired of the same news repeating over and over again and politicians saying there is nothing they can do.

I know the statistics show that we’ve had over 300 mass shootings in 2018, but not everyone likes to use that because a mass shooting is any time at least 3 people are shot and it’s not always what people think of when they hear mass shooting. If a man shoots his wife, kids, and neighbor some people might want to think of it as a domestic issue and not a mass shooting. Technically it is a mass shooting, but because some people have a very specific idea of what a mass shooting looks like I’m not doing to debate how many we have had this year.

All I know is that we have had too many.

And in past 3 weeks we have had a major shooting each week that has gotten the attention of the country. Even if you don’t believe we have had as many mass shootings as statistics show, I can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t think that one a week is not an issue.

First we had the shooting in Pittsburgh at the Tree of Life Synagogue that targeted Jewish worshippers. We have had shootings at churches before and I know many politicians said that it was an attack on the Christian faith and they were very harsh in criticizing those who attack people in a place of worship. When this shooting happened, many people did cry out about how this was an attack on the Jewish faith and that this was an act of anti-Semitism. But not all politicians wanted to say that and I know they got a lot of backlash about it. They still aren’t all as upset about this attack on Judaism and they were about previous attacks on Christianity, but at least the public is not letting them get away with it.

As many times in the aftermath of the shooting, some politicians (the President included) were saying how this wouldn’t have happened if people had guns with them. However the security guard at the synagogue was shot so being armed didn’t help. There have been attacks on temples and synagogues in the past so they typically do have a lot of security. I remember years ago when I interviewed for a job at a Jewish school and I had to go through a metal detector, my car was searched including a mirror underneath to make sure there was nothing there, and there were multiple levels of secure spaces inside that I had to go through. I can’t imagine having more security nor do I think that people should be terrified to worship where they choose to do so. It is so wrong to blame people for wanting to go to a place to practice their religion but not want to have a gun with them in case someone decides to attack them.

Last week, there was the shooting at the yoga studio in Tallahassee. This was a man who had shared online on various forms of social media about how he blames women for not dating or sleeping with him. This is a story we have heard before with other mass shootings. He felt like he had the right to have the women he wanted and was not ok with them rejecting him. I haven’t seen in the news that he targeted that yoga studio because a particular woman there rejected him or he just picked it because he knew a lot of women would be there. Either way, this was a man who targeted that studio for a reason and he injured many and killed 2 people. And again, to suggest that these women are to blame by not being armed is disgusting. Yoga is a place to be peaceful and nobody should have to be carrying a weapon to feel safe to do so.

And then yesterday (or technically I guess since it happened before midnight it was 2 days ago), there was the shooting at the Borderline bar in Thousand Oaks. This is a bar that many of my friends go to but I personally have not been there. It was college night at the bar so you didn’t have to be 21 to go in and there were many college freshmen and sophomores enjoying a night out. They were having fun when a man decided to go inside and start shooting. This is all very new news so there isn’t much known about the shooter. They have said that he is a veteran and that he served overseas. But they haven’t said anything about a motive, if he had made threats in the past, if he had a connect to the bar, or anything.

I woke up yesterday and since I had gone to be early the night before I didn’t know the news until I got up. I usually listen to an NPR podcast each morning as I get up that gives a quick recap of the news from the day before. But yesterday morning, there were 2 episodes of the podcast. One was the regular one and the other had the title “Thousand Oaks Shooting Update”. I immediately looked at the news online and read the horrific story of what happened. I watched a lot of news yesterday but had to turn it off after several hours because I was getting too upset about it.

While I never went to Borderline, I remember lots of bars like it that I went to in college before I was 21. They were always fun places to go out and be with awesome people. I can’t say that I always felt safe, but it had nothing to do with gun violence. I was worried that someone would slip something into my drink or that I would have something similar happen to me. But I never thought about a gunman coming into the bar and shooting.

The news is saying that many people survived the shooting last night because they have been raised in a world where these mass shootings are a common occurrence. They have heard stories about how to survive and instinctually did that when the shooting started. They knew places to look to hide or how to play dead. They broke windows to escape and teamed up to make sure that their friends and people they just met got out safely. While I am so grateful that so many people got out safe and alive, I am heartbroken that they knew so much about mass shootings that they had plans on how to live even before the shooting started.

While some people are scared of people coming from other countries to terrorize citizens, all of these shootings were done by citizens and not some outsider. There are a lot of other things I could say about the shooters, but I’m not going to. We all know that this is an issue. We all know that mental health care in this country isn’t doing enough to help those who need it and might be stopped from doing something like this if they were able to think clearly. We all know that guns are very easy for people to access even if they don’t have a legal right to own them. These are all things that could be fixed but I don’t know what it is going to take to finally have some action made on the steps to fix it.

I don’t want to have to live in fear that someone will shoot me in a place of worship, a fitness studio, a bar, a school, a business, or anywhere else. I want to feel safe being in public and not feel like I need to carry a weapon just in case. I’m so tired of reading about these stories without change. But I’m going to keep writing about them because I am not going to stand by and feel like nothing will happen because it never has before.

One day there will be a change. I just really hope it will be sooner rather than later.

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Please Vote (or Seriously, Please Vote)

Posted on November 6, 2018 | Comments Off on Please Vote (or Seriously, Please Vote)

I can’t imagine that there is anyone in this country that doesn’t know we have midterm elections today. I feel like the midterms have been happening since the last election, and that’s kind of the truth. There are many people (myself included) who aren’t happy with some of the things happening in politics right now. And we have been active in seeing what we can do to fix that since the last election.

I’ve written a few different posts about politics and each time I feel like I mention how I try to not write about politics too much on here. And I do try to not write too much about it because I know that not everyone has the same viewpoint or opinions as myself and I don’t want to alienate people. But with how things have been going in our country lately, I can’t help but be political and share my thoughts.

There are so many things right now that I disagree with. I’m upset that there was a tax bill that was approved that mainly benefits people with higher incomes. Because of that tax bill, the deficit went up and some politicians are saying that things like Medicare and social security need to be reduced in order to cover that. Everyone I know, Republican and Democrat, is very upset by this. We pay into Medicare and social security and to call them entitlements and use them to fund a tax bill that most of us don’t benefit from is frustrating.

I do agree that we need to have more control over our borders, but to call the refugees heading north through Mexico an invasion is not right. These caravans have happened several times in the past and a majority of those walking in them do not come to the United States. And those who do make it to our border file for asylum which is a right they have to do.

And I can’t believe that the president has suggested that he should make it so that if you are born in the US you aren’t guaranteed citizenship. I know that some people think that it’s only going to apply to non-citizens who have babies in this country, but removing that right allows anyone to decide that anyone can be denied citizenship because they are born here. Based on the way things have been going and how some politicians call the people on the other side of the political spectrum their enemies, I could see how this could become a situation where anyone who isn’t of the same political party isn’t allowed to make their child a citizen.

Or how LGBTQ rights are being chipped away and maybe some politicians would prefer their children not be citizens. They already are trying to make it legal to allow adoption agencies to automatically deny someone the ability to adopt if they are not in a heterosexual relationship. There are so many kids out there that need homes, but they would prefer that only husband/wife families get those kids and the rest stay in foster care or group homes.

And one of the biggest issues for me is the healthcare debate. For next year my healthcare costs aren’t going to go up too much, but I’m worried about what they will be like in 2020 when fewer healthy people are in the exchanges to help bring the average per patient cost down. I would love to see politicians in office that support the healthcare system instead of trying to destroy it. Right now, there are several politicians trying to sue because of the things that the ACA requires healthcare coverage to include. I can’t see how you support those who need healthcare when you sue to try to make sure insurance companies can skip out on important coverage that most people need.

I know that not everyone agrees with me on all of these things. I have some friends happy that the requirement for healthcare insurance is gone because they don’t like the idea that they must have it if they don’t use it. Those people also haven’t dealt with health issues like I have so if they needed care it was always something minor or if they wanted insurance they could get it without an issue. I know other people who believe that anyone trying to come into this country, legally or illegally, needs to be turned away until we have the FBI investigate them. I also know other people who think that if the Republicans are no longer in power of every branch of government that all of their rights will be taken from them and given to others.

And everyone has the right to think what they want. I don’t believe that thinking hateful things about other groups is right, but you have the right to do that. But if you take actions to ruin the lives of someone you don’t like or agree with, that’s when I have an issue. When people are killed because of their religion, sexual orientation, lifestyle, gender, or any other reason; that is wrong and I will never agree with it. And yes, we do have freedom of speech in this country, but that protects you from the government punishing you for what you say. If you say something on social media (which is a private company) that they don’t like, they have the right to remove it since you do not have a legal right to participate in private companies. It’s a privilege that they have the right to revoke at any time.

And since this is my personal blog, I can say what I want. You don’t have to agree with me and if my blog hosting company feels it’s inappropriate, they have the right to remove it. But I will not be silenced. I will share what I feel is right as long as I can. And today, the way I’m going to do that is by voting. I will vote for what I believe in and I hope that you will all do the same. If you do not vote, you are giving up your right to have a say in what happens and are giving others the power to decide for you.

Please don’t do that.

Please vote.

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Struggling To Figure Out A Monthly Challenge (or Finding Myself Again)

Posted on November 1, 2018 | 1 comment

It’s almost the end of the year! I can’t believe that in 2 months it will be 2019! And with the start of November I am recapping a monthly challenge and sharing a new one. While this year as been the year of more abstract challenges, I feel like this might be the most abstract one and a bit tough to explain. But first, I want to share how my October challenge went.

I wanted to continue building on my challenge to not shop online by being much clearer on what I wanted to buy when I did shop online or in person. I did do some online shopping last month, but it was much more deliberate than it has been in the past. I did work on using my Amazon wish lists and just leaving things in my cart online to not shop until I had something I really needed. Then I would reevaluate what I was actually going to purchase. The only time this didn’t work was with ordering a bra online because I thought I added both of the ones I wanted and it only had 1 in the order. Since I really wanted both (I think the women reading this understand that when you find a bra that fits you want it in multiple colors to go under anything you might wear), I did 2 orders back to back to get everything ordered that I was hoping to have. It wasn’t impulsive or done for just convenience like I had in the past, which is a good sign.

For shopping in person, I got much better about making my lists. I usually would make a list on a sticky note before I went to the store and that helped a lot. I wasn’t forgetting things at the store like I sometimes do and I was cutting back on how often I had to go to the store. I did still have some impulsive buys when I saw things I wasn’t expecting (like the Wonder Woman sheet mask I saw at CVS when I was getting contact lens solution), but it was much less than before. I still took my time when shopping and wandered around the stores, but it was more of seeing what else is out there than trying to figure out what I wanted to get. I had already been doing shopping lists from time to time, but I’m glad I forced myself to do them more often and I plan on keeping this up.

Now for November’s challenge, I really struggled to figure out what I wanted to do. I had lots of little ideas, but none of them seemed to really connect to me or feel worthy of a monthly challenge. Some of them were things I was already planning on doing this month and that almost felt like a cheat since it wasn’t a new challenge. I probably was thinking about this since the beginning of October and by this week I still didn’t have an idea of what I would do.

But I was inspired by a phone call I had with my aunt the other day. We usually talk every week (we discuss the tv shows we both watch), but we had been having trouble connecting on the phone so we hadn’t talked in almost a month. We both have been dealing with lots of randomness so it wasn’t either of our faults that the phone call took forever to happen. And while we were talking we discussed what was happening in our lives. And I just kept saying some variation of how I just don’t feel like myself or like I’m back on track to normal life.

I don’t know exactly why I’m feeling like this, but I know that some of the smaller challenge ideas I had for this month are a part of that. I am struggling with money right now and it’s a huge stress on my mind. Worrying about money as often as I am right now isn’t what I’m used to. I do worry about money, but not like I am right now. My food has been off too, but that is due to lots of different factors that I’m trying to resolve. My sleep has been a bit of a struggle, but it’s slowly getting better and I’m closer to the amount of sleep I know I need to get. And some things are just piling up and I’m so far behind (like catching up on podcasts or reading) and I can’t figure out why this is happening or where my time is going.

So this month, I’m trying to find myself again. I don’t know where I went or what happened, but I need to fix this. It’s such an abstract challenge and I have no idea how I will measure if I am successful or not, but it’s exactly what I need to do right now. This is similar to many of the other abstract challenges I’ve done this month, but this time I’m not being specific on what I’m trying to accomplish. I just want this uneasy and unsettled feeling to go away and to feel like I know I can and should. And I want to do whatever it takes to make that happen and I’m not sure what it will involve.

I know some of the things I need to work on and what I can do to try to fix them, but I don’t know if those individual things will make me feel more like me again. It might take other things that I haven’t thought of that I will discover as the month goes on. And having this challenge as open and general as it is will allow me to do what I discover I need to do. And hopefully in a month when I recap this post I will be able to share that I am feeling much more like me (even if I’m not all the way there yet) and will know what changes I needed to make in my life to get there.

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Some Highs And Lows Of My Body (or I Found One Possible Benefit To My Nausea)

Posted on October 12, 2018 | 2 comments

I feel like a broken record writing about my nausea on here. And my body feels like a broken record too because this just keeps happening over and over again. Fortunately, it’s decreased in length a bit. When this started up again 2 years ago, the nausea was about 2 weeks a month so it was 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. Now, its between 7-10 days long so sometimes it’s 1 week on and 3 weeks off. And I’m always grateful for the time that I’m not feeling poorly, even if it is limited.

But while the length has gotten better the actual symptoms feel like they are getting worse each month. I need to be better about tracking this because I know it hasn’t been a steady increase in pain, but I think overall it is much worse. And this cycle things are worse than they ever have been for me. I hate complaining, but with the way my body feels right now that’s just where my head is.

As I am typing this, I am using so many different things to try to keep the nausea and pain low. I am wearing my anti-nausea bands, I have a heat pack on my stomach, I have KT tape on my stomach (a newer thing I learned that helps with the cramps), I’m staying as hydrated as possible, I have taken painkillers, I took anti-nausea meds, I look menstrual pain relief medications, and I’m keeping anti-nausea lozenges in my mouth. I don’t know what else I can do and I know my doctor and I have been working on any other options for me.

Normally, I am in pain and nauseous but it is lessened by just a few of these treatment options. This time, it doesn’t even feel like the edge has been taken off. I’m so glad I work from home because I want to have all my things around me, but I also know I’m not working at my best right now. I did get some new suggestions from people online for things to try (if anyone has personal experience with a TENS device I’d love to know about it!) but I also know that without hormonal treatments I am limited.

I have been telling myself that in 2 years this is the first time it’s as bad as it is. So many it will never be this bad again for another 2 years. I still would prefer to never feel like this again, but I also know that I need to be realistic and prepare for when this does happen again. I don’t want to be caught off guard and not have things in my home to make this better. I don’t feel safe driving when I’m in this much pain (some of the cramps are giving me white outs in my vision) so I don’t want to have to leave my home for any remedies.

I know this all sounds really horrible and awful, but I also know that there are so many people who have things worse than I do. At least I have options that work most of the time and have a doctor who is more than willing to help me find something that works. My doctor believes my pain which sadly isn’t the case for so many people. I couldn’t imagine what I would have to do if my doctor thought the pain couldn’t be this bad or that it was all in my head. She knows it’s real and she wishes she could make it stop for me.

I did randomly find one possible benefit to my nausea this week though. I had to get blood work done because I am having a liver MRI this weekend. Before any MRI that uses contrast dye, you have to get blood drawn so they can test kidney function. This makes sure that your body will be ok with the dye. The dye can cause issues for people with kidney problems so they always check before every MRI. I got mine done on Wednesday after work and was wondering how getting blood work done while feeling horrible would be.

I don’t really faint the same way that I used to with needles, but I still have these weird blackout moments. When a needle goes under my skin, my entire body tenses up and I hold my breath. It’s weird and I can’t seem to stop that part, but I’m just glad I’m not passing out completely. And when I have these blackout moments, I’m still conscious and aware so I always hear medical staff talking to me and telling me to relax or breathe. I can’t in the moment, but when it passes I relax and my breathing is normal again. While I do always warn any medical staff that I do this, I think they are always surprised by it. But I feel glad that this is a minor reaction to a needle and I feel totally fine when it’s over. I’m not shaky or light-headed. I can just go on with my day. It was a little different when I got Botox, but I think that was because the needle was only a part of it and feeling the Botox go into my skin also freaked me out a bit.

When I went in for my blood work on Wednesday, I warned the lab tech the same way that I always warn people. I don’t want them to be scared when it happens or think that I need medical help when it’s done because I’m sure it looks scary in the moment for them. Most people don’t tense up or hold their breath when getting blood drawn, so they aren’t used to it. I didn’t say anything about already being in pain or nauseous because I didn’t want to worry them more nor did I know what it would be like this time.

To my surprise, somehow things were actually a little easier for me! I still tensed up and held my breath, but it was much shorter than normal and it didn’t feel the same way it had in the past. Usually I can feel a bit of soreness from where my muscles tensed up, but this time I didn’t have any feeling after I relaxed. It was a nice surprise and I was glad that it wasn’t worse than expected. The blood draw is only for one test so it’s super fast. Pretty much right after I was back to normal the needle was out of my arm and I was on my way to do other things I needed to do after work.

Of course, I don’t want to wish to be more nauseous whenever I need to do blood work. While it was easier this time, it was not that much of a difference so the added pain and annoyance of the nausea didn’t outweigh the benefit. But it did make me feel a bit better about how my MRI will go this weekend. I am not looking forward to the IV being put into my arm, but maybe it won’t be as bad as all the other times because of the nausea. I would prefer for the nausea to be gone today so I don’t have to worry about it during the MRI. I’m still nervous about being in the machine for all that time without being able to move if I have a bad cramp or if I feel like I need to throw up. But I’m trying to stay optimist about it all.

Ideally I won’t have to deal with this pain and nausea every month for that much longer, but realistically that’s not going to happen. But at least I found a small silver lining to the cloud of all this stuff I deal with every month.

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