Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Feeling Understood (or The Relief Of Shared Problems)

Posted on April 5, 2019 | Comments Off on Feeling Understood (or The Relief Of Shared Problems)

There are a lot of problems I write about on here that I know other people struggle with. So many things can feel like you are the only one dealing with it, but when you talk about it with a friend you discover they have the same worries.  It’s always such an amazing feeling when you discover you aren’t alone and it makes you feel so much better about how you are handling it.

I’ve been very lucky that I have this blog because I have had so many people reach out to me after I write a post saying they have been experiencing the same thing. I don’t always write posts so that other people won’t feel alone, but I have noticed that I have been doing it from time to time. I have a platform to help someone discover that they are not the only person in the world experiencing something and I want to make sure I take advantage of that.

But even though I am open about a lot of problems on here, I’m not always as open when talking with my friends. This isn’t me trying to hide anything about me, I just don’t always think about talking about them. Many times getting them out in a blog post is enough for me and I don’t feel the same need to connect with someone else going through the same thing in person. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it is how things are for me.

The problem is that I know that not all my friends read my blog, and that’s fine with me. I know not everyone reads blogs or they feel like they don’t need to read it. I don’t mind because I don’t expect people to feel like they need to read this. I’m still sometimes surprised that I get readers (although I am so insanely grateful for everyone who does read these posts)! But because some of my friends don’t read what I write, they don’t know some of the struggles I have and they might be battling the same thing and think they are alone.

And that’s exactly what happened earlier this week. I was talking to a friend and they were telling me how they were struggling with the balance of being social with taking time to recharge. This is a recurring battle for me too! I over-schedule myself and then when I take the time to focus on myself I feel like I’m neglecting my friendships and I crave social interaction. It’s a balance that I will probably always struggle to figure out and I wish that it was easier. Or I wish that being social was my way to recharge and get back to myself.

When my friend was telling me their struggles, I told them I battled the same thing. I could see the relief on their face that I understood what they were going through and it wasn’t a crazy issue. I wish I had better advice to give to them other than the few things I’ve been trying to figure out the balance. It’s such a personal thing to work through and what works for me is not necessarily going to work for anyone else. And I still don’t know what works for me so I’m even more useless with giving advice.

But even without advice to give, I think having shared problems was a big help for my friend. They felt like I understood what they were going through and that it’s ok to struggle with it. Sometimes all you need is to not feel alone to feel a bit better. And now that they know that I have the same problems maybe they will feel ok using me as a sounding board when they need to talk things out or just want to rant to someone who understands. Being there for a friend is something I want to do more often, but it’s not something I can necessarily control. I can control that they know they can come to me if they need help, but I can’t make someone do that.

And even though I have known for a while that I was not alone in the struggle of finding the balance of self-care/being selfish and being social, it was still a relief for me to know I have another friend going through the same thing. If I need someone to talk to, I have someone else to reach out to that will understand exactly what I’m experiencing. And having a friend who understands my problems is so powerful in helping me when I’m struggling.

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Being Hurt And Finding Closure (or Still Finding Out More About Myself Through Dating)

Posted on March 28, 2019 | 1 comment

I feel like every month I write a post about things that I’ve learned through dating. I still find it crazy that I have learned so much about myself through how I am treated in the dating world. While I don’t use that to determine things about myself, it shows me things about myself that I might not have realized. And this just keeps happening over and over again.

I think part of why this is happening so often is because I am dating so often. When I was in my 20’s, I rarely dated. I wasn’t active on apps and I think I was probably being too picky. I would refuse a second date if I couldn’t see things going far. Now, while I’m still picky I’m also more open-minded. I will give a guy a second chance if I wasn’t sure about them. I’ve been open to meeting guys that I am not totally sure about and I’m not putting as much pressure on myself about dating as I did before.

My goal is still to find someone who I want to build a life with, but I also know that I might not know from the first date if someone has that potential. There are guys I met that I had pretty mediocre first dates with that ended up being really great guys. Sometimes there are just nerves or other factors that make the first date not the most accurate way to judge someone.

And yes, I’m having fun. I still have bad dates, but I find positives out of those dates. I would say a majority of the time I do have fun even if the particular date or guy isn’t fun.

But I have also made myself vulnerable to being hurt and have had to experience that a few times. Being hurt is not fun and I am working on figuring how to handle it better each time that it happens. I’m getting much better at dealing with being ghosted. I still hate it and think it’s so immature when guys can’t just say they don’t want to see you again, but I also realize that their decision to ghost has very little to do with me.

I’ve also had to deal with someone who hurt me much more than just ghosting me coming back into my life through texting. I am not dating them again nor do I plan to. He is engaged and has been reaching out to me to talk about some things. He has said he misses me and is confused, but that is his problem and not mine. While I do respond to his messages with honest answers, I do not reach out to him or start conversations with him. I keep telling him that he needs to discuss these issues with his fiancée and not me. He has brought up a lot of things from our past and we had some very intense texting discussion. But it has helped me find some closure.

When things ended between me and this guy, I was blindsided and couldn’t understand why. I still don’t understand a lot of what happened, but I have learned that because I didn’t give this guy an ultimatum about what we were he didn’t think I wanted to keep dating. Yes, I probably could have been more forceful about what I want, but I shouldn’t have to do that. If that is what this guy needed from me, I clearly am not the right girl for him.

In that same discussion with this guy, I came to another realization. I never thought much about the idea of need vs want for dating. But I realized this guy wants to be with someone who needs him (or at least acts like they need him). He wants someone who will be grateful for every little thing they do and he wants to feel like their life wouldn’t be what it is without him. But to me, I think wanting someone is so much stronger than needing someone. I will never need a guy to be a complete person. I want to find someone who adds to my life. I want to find someone who I want to create a life with. I want to find someone who makes my life better, but doesn’t make my life happen. If a guy is looking for a girl who needs them, then they aren’t the guy for me.

Coming to the realization of need vs want was a big one for me. After this guy told me he never knew I wanted to keep seeing him, I started to wonder what would have happened if I had been more upfront and forceful about things. Now I know that there is no way things would have worked out for us. This gave me so much closure. There is no question in my head that he was never the guy for me. Maybe if we kept seeing each other we would have dated for a while, but there is no way that we would have ended up together. I can never be the type of girl who will act like she needs someone.

I understand that never being someone who will act like they need another person might limit the guys who are interested in me. But I’m ok with that. I do not want to have to put on an act to make someone else happy. I was raised to be strong and independent. I think those are good qualities to have. And I don’t think I need to make myself less of a strong or independent person to find someone. I will find someone who loves those qualities in me and will appreciate it.

And the idea of need vs want goes both ways. I do not want to meet a guy who acts like he needs me. I want someone to want me. I want someone who also is independent and has their own life as well. I do not want my life to be all about another person nor do I want their life to be all about me.

While I will probably never be happy that this guy hurt me the way that he did, I do have to be a bit grateful for everything that happened. I still wish it ended a different way because there was no need for it to end as negatively as it did. But I also don’t know if I would have still discovered the same things about myself if it ended better. And now that I understand what type of relationship I truly want or could provide to someone else, I feel like I can put some focus on that idea. I don’t know how to put that into action just yet, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

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A Drunk Driver On My Street (or Meeting Some Neighbors After 9 Years)

Posted on March 19, 2019 | Comments Off on A Drunk Driver On My Street (or Meeting Some Neighbors After 9 Years)

I’ve lived in my house for just over 9 years now. I love where I live and my neighborhood. I know the other people who live on the same property as me because we look out for each other. If we see someone walking up the driveway that we don’t recognize, we are on high alert. I love our little community and how much we care for each other.

But I don’t really know other neighbors on my block. I knew one neighbor who lived a few buildings over because I babysat for them, but I have no clue if they still live there and that’s only 1 person out of so many on the block. I’m sure this is how it is for a lot of people, and it never felt that odd for me. But that changed this past Saturday night.

I was home about to get ready for bed when I heard a very loud rumbling noise. At first I thought it might be an earthquake because sometimes you hear them before you feel them. But this noise wasn’t quite that. And right after the rumbling noise started I heard screeching, crunching, and finally some car alarms going off. There was no question that there was a car accident on my street and I was terrified what might have happened. People tend to drive well over the speed limit and I know that it’s not as safe as it should be. Since I hadn’t gotten ready for bed just yet, I was able to quickly put on some shoes and grab my phone and keys to go outside.

When I walked down my driveway, I saw a car that had all the airbags deployed in the middle of my street diagonally. The front of the car was crumpled and I couldn’t tell if the driver was ok. Dozens of my neighbors in other buildings were on the street too since it woke up most people who were already asleep. Other neighbors called 911 and I decided to focus on the driver to see if they were ok or needed help.

Before I was able to get to the car the driver was able to get out. He was stumbling around and at first I thought maybe it was due to the accident. Quickly my neighbors and I realized that he was drunk. I hate drunk drivers and I find it an incredibly selfish and irresponsible thing to do, but I had to put those feelings aside and try to get the driver to get somewhere safe and to turn his car off. The car was leaking a lot of various fluids and we didn’t want the car to keep running in case it ignited things.

The driver was arguing with us a bit when we asked him to please sit down or turn his car off. He was very confused what happened and I was starting to wonder if he had no idea he was in an accident. I noticed at that point that there were 5 or 6 cars with major damage on the street that he hit. Again, my anger had to be pushed down because I knew that safety was the priority. The driver didn’t want to turn off the car, but when he got out of the car to argue that he needed to see the damage I took a chance and got into his car, turned it off, and grabbed the keys. I then was worried that he might get upset when he realized I had his keys, so a male neighbor took them because he was more conformable with a standing up to him.

We finally got the driver to sit down on a curb so he didn’t fall too far if he was going to pass out and then I think all of us on the street started to actually see the damage and realize what happened. I started talking to some of the neighbors and we were able to figure out that everyone who had their car damaged was out there and they knew about it. At that point, there wasn’t much to do besides wait for the police to arrive. So we continued to talk among ourselves while making sure the driver didn’t move.

The fire department arrived first and once they got there they started to check out the driver. All of us were talking about what was happening or what to do. I started to talk mainly with one neighbor who lives in the building across the street from me who had the car with the most damage. As horrible as the accident was, it was kind of like a bonding opportunity for all of us on the block. Most of us didn’t know each other and we quickly learned quite a bit about who we lived near.

When the police arrived, I thought maybe the night would be over soon. They had arrested the driver and it was already close to 3am. I was exhausted, but I wanted to make sure things were ok with my neighbors before I went to bed. And I guess it ended up being a good thing that I stayed out there because while the police were getting statements from the people who had damage to their cars, they started to ask who took the car keys from the driver. I was worried that I was in trouble or something, but fortunately that wasn’t the case. First, they wanted to thank me for doing that so that he had no way to potentially cause more damage (although his car was totaled and couldn’t move). They also wanted to interview me for a witness statement about what I saw and did. While I didn’t see the accident happen, I was able to explain what I heard and what I saw when I was outside.

By the time I was done giving my statement, most of the neighbors had returned to their homes. It was so late (or early in the morning if you want to think of it that way) and people wanted to go to bed. And I could have gone to bed then too, but the neighbor I had been talking to the most was waiting on a tow truck. He wasn’t able to get his car towed anywhere because it was the middle of the night, but because of the impact of the accident his car had been pushed into someone else’s driveway and it had to be moved. We couldn’t push the car back because of the damage and a tow truck was the only option.

So I hung out with my neighbor and we had a really nice talk. We didn’t talk too much about the accident because we wanted to talk about more entertaining topics. He was telling me about his house and the remodel that he is doing. He talked about his kids. And I talked about acting and random things that happen in life. Finally a tow truck came and by the time his car was in a legal parking spot again it was about 5am. My neighbor and I both headed back to our homes then but I did make sure he had my contact information in case he needed it for his car insurance and because we really hit it off as friends over the course of the night.

This accident was a horrible thing, but it could have been so much worse. Nobody was hurt. I don’t think the driver was even hurt at all. Yes, multiple cars were totaled and that’s upsetting, but that’s just property damage and cars can be replaced. And while I hate that it took an accident like this to bring my neighbors and I together, I’m glad that it did happen and we got to learn about who we live around. Almost everyone who was out there that night was trying to help and make sure everyone involved was ok before they left. And while there were a few people out there who decided to yell at the driver and call him names, the rest of us were able to get them to stop. I understand the frustration, but it was not necessary.

I’ve written about not drinking and driving on here before and this is another reminder of it. I don’t know why this driver decided to do it, but it was the wrong decision. There are so many other options to get home if you are not safe to drive. Even if you are worried your car might get towed, paying to get your car out of an impound lot is cheaper than getting out of jail and dealing with the aftermath of a drunk driving accident.

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A Bit Of Self-Care Fail (or Maybe I Was Hard On Myself)

Posted on March 15, 2019 | Comments Off on A Bit Of Self-Care Fail (or Maybe I Was Hard On Myself)

As I wrote in some posts earlier this week, recently I was pretty sick. I’m sorry for the short posts those days, but honestly I was really taken down by this bug. It was really hard to do most things, including type. I am so lucky I work from home and it’s not the busy season because I didn’t have to do a ton of work while I was feeling my worst. And I didn’t work my other job while I was very sick because I knew I couldn’t be accurate with checking information online. But that job is flexible with hours so I can make up what I missed over the next few days or weeks.

When I first noticed symptoms that I was probably getting sick, they weren’t too bad. I was hoping I could beat the bug before it got me really sick and I think that mindset stuck with me. When things started getting back, I was still trying to pretend that I wasn’t that sick and that whatever I had last year was actually worse. Now that I’m finally over the hump of this bug, I can say that I probably was actually sicker than last year yet I didn’t take care of myself as if that was true.

I don’t know if I didn’t want to admit that I was as sick as I was or I honestly didn’t think it was as bad, but whatever the reason I think that maybe not thinking this was that bad was the reason why I’m still dealing with this a week later. I’m significantly better than I was a few days ago, but I’m still not 100% and I’m wondering how long it will take me to get there. I’m exhausted every day in the afternoon and I could probably nap multiple times a day if I had the chance. I’m trying to not nap too much because it messes up my sleep schedule, but sometimes I have to cave and just sleep for an hour or so.

I’m usually good at taking care of myself when I’m sick. I know that because I live alone I have to not overdo things. If I’m too tired to get things done that need to be done, there’s nobody else in my house to do it. I could always call a friend to help, but I’m stubborn and like to do things for myself. And I was ok with letting go of some things in order to make sure I had the ability to do others (I did delivery food more than I want to admit because it helped me not need to go to the grocery store). And I don’t think that going to some workouts this week hurt me since I was not working nearly as hard as normal. Just getting some movement in during the day helped since I did the class in the morning when I was feeling my best.

But besides the few little self-care things I did this past week to take care of myself, I really didn’t do as much as normal to be gentle to myself while I was sick. I was getting very frustrated that I couldn’t do things or that I was taking longer to get something done and I wasn’t letting being sick be an excuse. I don’t know why I was so hard on myself but I know it was happening multiple times a day. I would blame so many other reasons for things not working out without considering that while I’m sick that maybe I shouldn’t have the same expectations that I would have when I’m feeling normal.

Even with not feeling totally better I’m still noticing I’m being hard on myself. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m still recovering and I don’t want to do something that will keep me sick longer. I know that I have friends and family that don’t have the luxuries that I do with being gentle on themselves when they are sick. They have jobs they have to go to no matter what or they have to take care of a child or elderly family member. I know that I am lucky that I don’t have to stress about that and I should appreciate it, but it also makes me feel bad when I’m not doing everything like normal when those other friends are able to do that while they are sick.

I’m lucky that I don’t get sick like this that often. I used to deal with multiple bouts of strep throat a year before I had my tonsils out and it was pretty awful. I think on average I get sick like this once a year and it’s not always this bad. And I am getting better at tolerating being sick and making sure that I am not completely bedridden or unable to do anything during that time. But I might have taken that idea a little too far this time and forgot that I should not stress about being normal when I’m sick.

For now, while I finish beating this cold I’m going to work on doing a few extra self-care things that I probably should have been doing all week. I’m hoping that being kind to myself for the next few days that I will finally be over this bug and back to feeling fine. I’m ready to be back to the normal me and to not have to worry about feeling sick and lethargic.

 

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Another Sick Day Post (or Sorry For Two In A Row)

Posted on March 13, 2019 | Comments Off on Another Sick Day Post (or Sorry For Two In A Row)

I’m sorry, this will be another short post. This cold really took me out. I’m surprised about how sick I’ve been because it didn’t feel too horrible when it started. But this is not acting like most colds that I’ve had before. I know I’m getting better, but it’s not the path I thought this cold would take.

I’m seriously so grateful and lucky that I work from home because I haven’t had to miss work because I’m sick. When I need to lay down for a minute, I can do just that. I’ve been working in sweats and go straight to bed right after I’m done. And I’m lucky that I actually feel better in the morning compared to later in the day. So I can work on all the crazy opening work like returning voicemails while I’m feeling better.

By the time you are all reading this, the workout class I usually take will be over. As I’m writing it, I have no clue if I’m going to work out. I hope that I will because I know it’s good for me to do any movement that I can. And I do feel much more like me in the beginning of the day. But I’ll just have to wait and see when I wake up.

I’m sorry again for the short and boring posts. Being sick isn’t fun and I am lucky that I’m not sick like this that often. But when I do get sick, I seem to really get sick and it takes me out. Last time I was this sick, I knew exactly when I was exposed to it so I could predict when I’d be getting better. This time, I have no clue who got me sick and I have to make a guess on when I should be doing better. I keep thinking I’m getting better when I wake up only to find out that I’m  doing just as bad as the day goes on. But I do know that this is a bug that I need to fight and eventually I will be better.

I’m trying to focus on self-care right now and prioritizing myself and my health. It’s a challenge and a good thing to work on, so I guess that is a positive of being sick. But I’m just ready to feel better and be back to normal life again soon.

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I Didn’t Think I Was This Sick (or This Will Be A Short Post)

Posted on March 12, 2019 | 1 comment

I wrote briefly in yesterday’s workout recap how I had caught a cold and was dealing with it on Saturday. When I wrote that post, it was Sunday and I was feeling a bit better. I thought I had gotten over the hump of whatever bug I caught and I was so happy about that.

I was so wrong about it.

I’m writing this on Monday and I did manage to get to my workout. But that’s literally all I was able to do. I worked out, came home, showered, and spent the next 8 hours in and out of sleep. I would sleep about an hour at a time, wake up, and within a few minutes be back asleep again.

I really am shocked about how sick I am feeling because I truly thought I was getting over it and would be better today. I have no clue what I’ll be able to do this week and I’m already debating if I need to cancel my workout tomorrow. It will have to be a wait and see thing because I’m hoping by this afternoon I’ll be doing much better.

I wish I could be more eloquent and have more to say about this, but I really just want to get back into bed. I haven’t even been watching tv because I don’t have the energy right now to keep my eyes open.

Sorry for this short and rambling post. I have more interesting things to write about this week. But for now, this will have to do for today since I don’t have much more in me to write more.

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It’s Tax Time (or Seeing My Tracking And Organizing Pay Off)

Posted on March 6, 2019 | Comments Off on It’s Tax Time (or Seeing My Tracking And Organizing Pay Off)

I don’t think anybody looks forward to doing their taxes. It can be scary and overwhelming and a lot of the time you have no clue if you are going to owe money or get money back. I think this year is even crazier because there are so many new laws that affect taxes and people have no idea how it will affect things for them. The stories I have been seeing online all talk about how tax refunds are much lower than they usually are or people who normally get money back are owing for the first time.

I know that my situation is a bit different from many others. First, all of my income is 1099 or independent contractor work. I don’t have any taxes taken out of my paychecks and I have to make sure I save money. I also pay estimated taxes 4 times a year to cover what is assumed to be my tax bill for the year. I have only been doing this for a few years, but I am very careful about this and make sure I stay on top of it all. And it has been working out well for me the past few years. If I owe money, it’s less than what I saved up to cover my taxes. And last year, I actually got money back!

I had a pretty good feeling that I would be getting a little money back this time. My estimated taxes were based on the money that I made in 2017, and I made less money in 2018. So my estimated payments actually had me overpaying my taxes. I also knew my health insurance is always a weird thing with my subsidy not being the correct amount. I felt pretty certain that I was paying more than I should for it, but I wasn’t totally sure because again there are so many new rules this time.

Before I had my appointment to get my taxes done, I got a call regarding my appointment. The person who does my taxes had an appointment come up the afternoon I was going to come in and I was given 2 options. First, I could pick another date and I would still be charged the February rate (which is the cheapest rate). Or, I could email in the worksheets we do before the appointment so a majority of the information would be already in the system before I arrived. I picked emailing in my worksheet since I already had done all the work. My appointment was only going to be 30 minutes short (usually they are 90 minutes) and I knew getting all of that information already in the system would easily cut the appointment down by 30 minutes or more.

There was still some work that we had to work on together when I went in for my appointment. There were a few things I wasn’t totally sure I did right and there were a few sections that needed a bit more information. I brought everything in with me and I had everything we needed, I just didn’t do it ahead of time since usually it’s all done at the appointment.

And while everything was getting figured out, I did learn that the new tax rules weren’t going to affect me like they affect a majority of people who get their taxes done. Since I am a sole proprietor/independent contractor, I can still write off my business expenses. If you are an employee, the costs of doing business cannot be deducted (for example, teachers can no longer write off buying supplies as a deduction). But for me, all of my expenses can still be written off like they have in the past. That’s a good thing since I have to pay a decent amount of money in cyber security insurance (required by my job since I take credit card information and put it into our secure online server) and I pay for things like a separate phone line just for work. I didn’t have as many deductions as I have had in the past, but it was still a lot of them.

Every year that I get my taxes done, I learn new things about how to organize and track things. I finally have it down to a system that I am extremely happy with and it made me doing my worksheet much easier this year compared to before. And I know that my tax preparer appreciates all the work I do and knows that I have everything ready for her if she needs to see it. She also mentioned she only allowed me to email in my worksheet ahead of time and have a reduced appointment time because she knew how on top of things and organized I am.

While it’s nice to have my organization appreciated by my tax preparer, it’s even better to see that work pay off. And as I expected, I am getting money back this year! And it’s actually a lot more money than I was expecting. A good chunk of that money is from overpaying for healthcare and that’s only because I tracked my business deductions so well. My taxable income gets reduced by those expenses and my financial responsibility for my insurance is based on taxable income and not the full income I have. That is a difference between being an employee and an independent contractor and I didn’t know that. I assumed it was based on my pre-tax income and that’s why I had my income set the way I did last year. I don’t know if I’ll adjust it for this year since I’d rather overpay and have that money go toward anything I owe in taxes than to underpay and owe a lot of money.

I was so relieved to see that the work I put into tracking and organizing was worth it. It does take time to file everything properly so I have it ready at tax time, but the money I got back easily paid for the time I took to do that. And it will be nice to get a refund this year. I really need the money and a lot of it will be going toward bills. I will also use it to pay off my Disneyland pass since I had to set it to be monthly payments this time. I’d rather just have it paid and not have to have it taken out of my credit card each month. I don’t know if I’ll use it for anything else fun since I should be responsible and put it toward bills, but I’ll see how things go.

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Default ThumbnailNot Quite Winning At Taxes This Year (or Owing Money And Seeing Car Accidents) Default ThumbnailA Fresh Budget (or Starting Over With YNAB) Default ThumbnailFinding New Money Issues (or Looking At Doing A Fresh Budget) Default ThumbnailIt’s Taxes Time (or Seeing My Hard Work Pay Off) Default ThumbnailTax Time (or Happy To Owe The Government Some Money) Default ThumbnailTax Time Again! (or It’s A Taxes Miracle!)

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National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (or Not Talking About It Is Part Of The Problem)

Posted on February 28, 2019 | Comments Off on National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (or Not Talking About It Is Part Of The Problem)

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I know the week is almost over, but I decided to write something about this. I wasn’t going to originally, but I realized that even though I am pretty open about my eating disorder it would be wrong not to write about this week.

I don’t know exactly when my eating disorder started, but I honestly feel like I’ve had it my entire life. I remember binge episodes when I was a kid, I just didn’t know that they were anything other than me liking food. I’ve had issues with food as long as I can remember. I used to just think that it was a willpower issue or that I was weak and not able to control myself. It doesn’t help that there was very little information about binge eating disorder when I was growing up and I couldn’t really just go online to research about it. I was very educated in anorexia and bulimia and I knew that I didn’t have either of those. I recognized signs of my issues in bulimia and I actually was frustrated with myself that I couldn’t be strong enough to find a way to get rid of the food I ate.

My eating disorder wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was in my 20’s, but I already knew I had a binge eating disorder before that. I needed the official diagnosis for medical purposes, but it was just a technicality. I already knew what I had and I knew that it wasn’t just about me liking food or being fat. I had an eating disorder and I shouldn’t consider myself weak because of it.

There isn’t a lot of information yet about genetics and eating disorders. I have seen studies that show that people can have a tendency toward an eating disorder because of how they were raised, but I honestly feel like it is a genetic thing for me. If it was about how I was raised, then I don’t think it would have started so early for me. But even if it’s genetic, that doesn’t mean I can’t conquer it one day. There are people with a genetic marker for addiction and they are able to get sober. The difficulty for me is that I cannot be totally sober from food since I still have to eat to live.

These are all things I’ve written about on here before. I was terrified the first time I posted about having an eating disorder because I hadn’t been open about it with many people. I didn’t know what people would think about me once they knew I had an eating disorder. Obviously they knew I struggled with weight, but not everyone struggling with weight has an eating disorder. But I was relieved to discover that once I was open about it I was getting support from my friends. Some of my friends shared with me about their struggles with food or said they had a loved one with a binge eating disorder and didn’t know it had a name.

Being open and honest has been the best thing for me. I have gotten so much support and love from the people in my life and I don’t have to feel like I need to cover up for anything. When I am having a bad day, I can tell a friend about it. When I am out to eat and have obsessive thoughts about food, I don’t have to hide it and I can talk through the thoughts with the person I’m with. While I have been working toward recovery in many different ways, the one that I feel has made the biggest difference is not feeling alone. Finding other people going through the same thing as well as having friends who know what is happening makes me feel like this battle is not just me against the world.

So when I was debating whether or not to write about National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I realized that not writing about it would possibly prevent someone else not feeling alone. While I have written about this multiple times, maybe this is the first post that someone else is reading. Or it could be toward the top of the search results when they are searching for something. I want to allow opportunities for someone to know that this is not their fault and they can get help.

If you are battling an eating disorder of any type or have someone in your life batting one, this does not have to be a solo battle. There are so many ways to get help and support and not being alone in this seems to bring the most success. You don’t have to be strong on your own to get over this. Allow yourself to accept help and know that the more people you have on your side supporting you the better off you will be.

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Default Thumbnail1 Week On Vyvanse (or Hoping To Answer Some Questions) Default ThumbnailHaving To Defend Myself (or My Eating Disorder Isn’t Taken Seriously By Others) Default ThumbnailMore Eating Disorder Research (or Reading About HDE) Default ThumbnailDealing With Hormones (or Trying To Work With My Eating Disorder) Default ThumbnailAnother Thing I’m Learning In Isolation (or Eating Disorder Issues) Default ThumbnailBinge Eating In The Media (or More Help Might Be On The Way)

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Posted in Food, Health, Tough Stuff

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It’s Been A Weird Food Week (or Trying Not To Think Too Much About This)

Posted on February 20, 2019 | Comments Off on It’s Been A Weird Food Week (or Trying Not To Think Too Much About This)

Since I had the procedure last week, I have been on a weird diet. I was prepared that I might be in a lot of pain the day or so after and that I probably wouldn’t want to have to chew food. I wasn’t expecting to have my jaw hurt for so many days as well as have difficulty opening my mouth all the way because of where the stitches are. I haven’t been able to chew food properly since getting the stitches in and I’ve pretty much been on a liquid diet for a week.

I’ve done different forms of liquid diets in the past. I had the medically supervised one I did over 10 years ago when I lost a ton of weight. I’ve occasionally had to do liquid diets when I have different dental issues or when I was sick. I try to have some sense of variety in it, but I’m usually just having different types of smoothies or protein shakes and soup. It’s not the most ideal thing to do, but when it’s not easy to eat solid food it’s what I have to do.

I know there are a bunch of ways I could make a liquid diet unhealthy or how someone could gain weight from it. That’s not usually the case for me. This past week, the first few days were actually a struggle to eat because of the pain I was in. Once my appetite came back, things were a bit easier for me but I was still limited in what I could have. I still was eating pretty much the same thing I was having before and I was trying to be cautious about the quality of what I was eating.

I know that I was not getting enough calories in each day and because of that I lost weight. Losing weight is a good thing for me, but I don’t want to lose weight this way. This is how I lost it when I was on the medically supervised diet and I know it’s not a sustainable lifestyle. Eating how I’ve been eating for the past week isn’t sustainable either. But it’s hard not to be a little optimistic about losing weight this easily and to be swayed that maybe I should do this.

Even though my eating disorder is not about restriction, I do think that all eating disorders are related and that it might be easy to switch from one to another. I don’t want to get into a restrictive mindset and form a different set of bad habits. It’s hard not to want to keep doing this when I see results, but I know that eventually the results won’t keep happening and that I might think I need to restrict even more to keep going. I can see the slippery slope of how things can get really bad and I’m actively thinking about avoiding that.

But on the other hand, I do want to at least maintain the progress I’ve had this past week. I have had other times where I had to be on restricted food for one reason or another and then when I could eat normally again I gained back everything I had lost. I am currently doing one of the Orangetheory Transformation Challenges and while I’m not doing anything too crazy diet-wise I also don’t want to gain weight during this challenge. I always struggle with finding the balance in my food and I know that balance is also finding the middle between this restricted diet and what I normally eat. I wish that my stomach would shrink super easily and it would be difficult to stretch, but I think I’m the opposite.

I am trying to celebrate the weight loss I had while not putting too much thought into how I got them and putting too much on what I did to see the results. I would love if this time is the time that I am able to make the change, but I’m also realistic. I hate that there is a very high chance that I will gain back what I lost and that I will be back to my old diet and have binges again. One day things will click in my head and will change and maybe that’s now. But I’ve also learned enough from this happening multiple times before that I can’t get too down if that doesn’t happen and I can’t be too focused on the results from this weird food week.

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Default ThumbnailMy Current Diet (or I Miss Food) Default ThumbnailLosing Some Weight (or Confused If This Is Good) Default ThumbnailBringing More Food Back Into My Diet (or Staying Vegetarian For Now) Default ThumbnailGetting Back To Better Food (or Finding My Own Balance) Default ThumbnailGetting Out Of A Food Funk (or I Need To Get Back To My Good Work) Default ThumbnailA Week With Weird Injuries (or I’m Making Excuses)

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Still Finding New Life Lessons With Dating (or Some Skills I’m Proud Of And Some I’m Not Sure About)

Posted on February 19, 2019 | Comments Off on Still Finding New Life Lessons With Dating (or Some Skills I’m Proud Of And Some I’m Not Sure About)

It still surprises me that I’m learning new things all the time with all the adventures I have with dating. I would love to be done learning, but even if I found the person I wanted to spend my life with I feel like I would still learn new things about myself. But with dating, I seem to find new life lessons in the uncomfortable parts of life and that’s probably a good thing for me. I had 2 realizations over the past few days about dating that could potentially be beneficial for me in life.

The first one is one that I knew I needed to learn and that was how to get over feeling heartbroken or betrayed. I’ve talked about this before and said how I wished that dating rejection felt like the rejections I get with acting. For some reason, I can get over not booking a job pretty easily but I can’t get over being rejected or ghosted the same way. I never would want to learn how to get over feeling so upset over something ending or not happening, it is something I need to learn how to do.

I feel like there is only one person who has gotten close to breaking my heart. They took advantage of my openness and betrayed me and I didn’t think I would ever give them a second chance. But I did and they hurt me even more than they did the first time. I know that his rejection had very little to do with me and was a lot about issues he has, but it still brought up feelings that I don’t deal with well. While I know I am worthy of being loved, having someone close to me tell me otherwise while I was growing up is stuck in my head. And when I was rejected I immediately went to the thought that I was stupid for thinking I deserved to be treated the way I wanted. I know I didn’t deserve what I got, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes.

I shared my feelings in a dating Facebook group that I’m in and I am so grateful for the women in that group because they really helped me work out some things. And they also had amazing advice. A few people recommended the Mend app, and I decided to download it and give it a chance.

While Mend is meant for getting over a breakup, it really helped me a lot with my feelings of being betrayed. And one of the things a friend helped me realize was that my feelings also had a lot to do with me having to accept that I will not have the answers I want. And Mend went into this idea a lot too! I only did the free 7 days, but I’m debating about trying it longer because it really got me into a better mindset about rejection with dating.

And I got to experience this new mindset this past weekend when I had a second date with someone. He and I seemed to really connect and get along and things were going well. But then it was like there was a switch that went off and he immediately said he had to leave. I don’t know what happened (and I have gone over things in my head a few times to see if I can think of something), but whatever happened was something that clearly made him want to end the date. He said it had nothing to do with me, but I really don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again. I did text him since that date, but I’ve heard nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m about to be ghosted.

I hate being ghosted because if I’m not interested in seeing someone again I will tell them and not leave them wondering. But I know that not everyone is willing to be honest about that. Being ghosted sucks and there have been other guys I’ve gone out with a few times that have ghosted me and really hurt me. But this time, I don’t care as much as I did before. If he’s going to ghost me, there’s not reason I should worry about it because I don’t want to date someone who would treat anyone that way. It’s so weird to not be worried about if he will text me again or not, but I also love it since this is what I’ve wanted to figure out for so long!

While dealing with being hurt and rejected is a really good life skill to have, this other thing I figured out this weekend isn’t necessarily as good. When I started dating again a few years ago, I tolerated some really horrible dates. I didn’t want to be rude and leave a date that I was not enjoying so I suffered through them. I always want to be polite and staying through a bad date seemed like the polite thing to do.

I’ve been getting better at leaving dates that I’m not enjoying, but it’s usually because I find a good way to have an out. Either the guy will say something that is really offensive and I feel like I can walk out or I can have a reasonable excuse to leave. I know that I don’t need an excuse and I should be able to just walk out, but I haven’t gotten to that point yet.

But I did have another date recently that I was able to leave quickly even without a good excuse. I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to meet this guy, but I decided to go for it because some people just aren’t good over text. And when we met up, I immediately knew that my gut was right and this date was a waste of time. Fortunately, I usually plan first dates to be something I can easily escape like getting coffee or a drink (even though I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol). This time, I was supposed to meet him for a drink, but it was so crowded that we went for a walk instead.

We only walked about 2 blocks and it felt like miles. The date was horrible, the conversation was going nowhere, and I was just wanting to go home. When we walked past where I parked my car, I told him that my car was parked in that lot and that I needed to head home. I think he wasn’t really enjoying the date either so I didn’t have to give him an excuse, but if I needed to I would have just said I wasn’t feeling chemistry. The date only lasted 10 minutes and I was so grateful to be out of there.

I don’t know if getting out of bad dates is necessarily a good life skill, but I can see how it could be. By trying to always be polite, I’ve put myself in situations that I wanted to get out of and felt stuck in. I need to learn to stand up for myself and not be afraid to be a bit rude if I know I need to leave. It’s still a fine line between being willing to be rude to leave and learning to tolerate things I have to, but I’m getting better at finding that line.

I am glad I have gotten better at dealing with rejection since that is something that I have wanted to work on for so long. I know that I will still struggle with it from time to time, but I am happy I have a resource I know I can turn to when I need help. And if I do continue to use Mend, perhaps I will continue to build that skill set so the next time I’m rejected I will hear those ideas louder than the voice in my head telling me I don’t deserve love or respect.

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Default ThumbnailWorking On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting) Default ThumbnailAdventures In Online Dating (or My Luck Might Be Changing) Default ThumbnailMore Thoughts On Online Dating (or Not Letting My Past Dictate My Future) Default ThumbnailYet Another Life Lesson From Dating (or Finding Power When Not In Control) Default ThumbnailBeing Hurt And Finding Closure (or Still Finding Out More About Myself Through Dating) Default ThumbnailFinding Some More Control (or How Medical Stuff and Dating Stuff Are Alike)

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff

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