Category Archives: Tough Stuff

More Adventures At The Dentist (or Getting Through A Long Appointment)

Posted on May 15, 2019 | Comments Off on More Adventures At The Dentist (or Getting Through A Long Appointment)

As I wrote last week when I went to the dentist, I didn’t have the best news at my appointment. Nothing was horrible, but I did need to have some things repaired and replaced. And doing that means needing numbing shots. That’s never something that is fun for me and I was even more nervous considering that I would be working with new dentists. I tried not to stress too much in the week between the appointments, but I couldn’t help it.

I went in for the long appointment this week on Monday and it was really a long appointment! I was there for about 3 hours and I know it was longer than anyone expected. Part of the reason I was there so long was that I had an issue getting numb. I’ve had this problem before and it’s the worst considering how much I hate needles. But the first round of numbing shots only numbed a small section of where the work was going to be done. So they had to do another round of numbing shots and since I wasn’t numb from the first ones I did feel the second round as well. Fortunately the second round did work, but it still made things longer than it should have been.

Also, because these dentists are new I wanted to give them the warnings about my specific issues. I had to give them a heads up about my fainting issue even though it hasn’t been happening as often recently. I also wanted to let them know some random things that help my anxiety when work is being done. One of those things is to be told as each part of the process is happening and is done. So if they are working on the drilling, letting me know how much longer they need to drill helps. I’m sure for some people it makes it worse when they are told there is 5 more minutes left, but it gives me something to focus on. Also, my anxiety is lower when I understand things more. So I asked how certain things are done like how the old crown is taken off my tooth. Being able to imagine it is a really good thing for me.

Getting my old filling repaired was the easy part. I actually wasn’t numb for that and it didn’t really hurt at all. The drilling was done quickly and the replacement filling material was in before I knew it. If that was the only part of the appointment I had to do, I would have been done faster than a normal cleaning!

But working on replacing my crown was a much longer process. There were multiple impressions and molds that had to be done to create the temporary and permanent crown and those took time to set. And to get the old crown off they had to do a lot of drilling. It’s good to know how strong it is, but it makes it hard to get it off. They do need to be replaced every 10-15 years so I will go through this process several more times with the various crowns I have, but at least I’m a bit more prepared this time.

Because I already had a crown on that tooth, there was minimal drilling that had to be done on my actual tooth. But the reason why I needed the replacement was because there was a little cavity on my tooth just below where the crown was. When that happened, it made a little gap in the crown so there was a possibility that bacteria could get under there and make things really bad. But once the crown was off the dentists confirmed that the cavity was only that small spot they saw before and not worse. So they drilled that out and all the drilling work was done. All that was left was to create the temporary crown and get that onto the tooth.

When I left, I was still very numb. I am happy to be extra numb since I would prefer that over feeling pain. But I did discover an issue with that when the numbness finally wore off. There was a small part of the temporary crown that was jagged and cutting into my tongue. I had no clue about this when it was done and because of where it was on it the dentists wouldn’t have been able to see it. But it was very painful and I knew I needed to have it fixed immediately.

So the next day, I called as soon as they opened to see when I could come back in. I knew fixing it would only take a few minutes so I was fine going in the middle of work (I cleared it with my manager too). As soon as I got there, I was able to point out exactly where the problem was and once they knew where to look they could smooth it out and make everything they way it needs to be. The temporary crown is always a bit rough, but the part that was hurting me was not normal. I didn’t have to get numb for this and I didn’t mind the drill as much because I knew it was going to make the pain end. My tongue is still hurting now, but that’s because of what happened before it was fixed. Hopefully that goes back to normal soon.

I have one more appointment to get the permanent crown in and to smooth my filling a bit (I could have done this when they fixed the temporary crown, but I needed to get back to work). That appointment won’t be as long as the main one was so that is going to be nice. I still am anxious about the next appointment since I know there are a few moments where it will hurt a little bit when they cement the new crown on, but I would prefer to have that little pain than the pain of having the shots. And then once that is done, hopefully I won’t have anything besides normal cleanings for a long time.

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Default ThumbnailAnother Year Another Dentist Panic (or One Medications Overriding Another) Default ThumbnailMore Prepared Than Necessary (or Splitting Up Dentist Appointments) Default ThumbnailLast Dentist Appointment For A While (or Not Really A Quick Appointment) Default ThumbnailGetting Used To A New Dentist Routine (or This Wasn’t The Appointment I Expected) Default ThumbnailA Boring Visit At The Dentist (or Getting Ready For A Future Bad Appointment) Default ThumbnailLess Panic At The Dentist (or Am I Finally Over This?)

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Still Working Through The Pain (or I’m Going To Stay Positive About This)

Posted on May 13, 2019 | Comments Off on Still Working Through The Pain (or I’m Going To Stay Positive About This)

This past week of workouts ended up being another struggle. As I mentioned last week, I did something to my back and that really threw things off for me. But at least the nausea was gone and I was ready to feel like myself again. That’s not how this past week went, but I think I did end up finding the best in the situation.

Monday’s workout was a strength day and I was ready to be back to normal with my bike work. I was feeling good (this workout was right before my back pain started) and I was excited to see what I was going to be able to do.

The cardio work did include hills, but they weren’t super high inclines. So I was keeping my bike resistance levels close to what I’m used to. We had rounds of hill work and flat road work and each round the incline/resistance level went down by 1. I started 1 level higher than my new all out level and didn’t worry about pedaling too fast. And it felt great when the resistance level was getting back down toward where I’m used to being after having such a high level earlier. When we had our all outs, since I had so much work using resistance levels I decided to have the level at my base level but I pedaled much faster. It was an interesting difference from what I’m used to doing. I don’t know if I’ll do that all the time for my all outs, but it could be something good to have as an option when I have strength days in the future.

On the rower, we had rounds of stroke count work. We started with doing 20 strokes on the rower slowly to get as many meters as possible. Then we had lunges using the medicine ball. Each time we got to the rower we went down 2 stokes. Because I was going so slow, I didn’t get that low with the stroke count. I tried to keep the stroke rate below 16 strokes a minute when with normal rowing I’m usually between 25-30. It is so hard to go that slowly, but I know that was the purpose of that workout and I’m glad I really tried to do it that way.

And on the floor we had 2 blocks and it was a lot of upper body work. The first block had bicep curls but we were balancing on one leg while doing them. That was definitely an added challenge, but I took my time and put my foot down to regain my balance when necessary. We also had tricep extensions on the straps and goblet lunges. And the second block had regular bicep curls, regular lunge, and tricep extensions using the weights. It was interesting to see how I felt between the two blocks since they were essentially the same exercises but different ways of doing them.

Wednesday’s workout was a mix of endurance, strength, and power and because of my back I had to be careful with what I did. I knew that working out wasn’t going to make things worse unless I was careless in what I did in class. Every time I worked on stretching things felt better so I was hoping a workout would do the same. There wasn’t too much I had to modify which was nice, I just had to take things a bit slower.

For cardio, we had 2 blocks with a similar pattern. We started with hill work, then we had a flat road push pace, and we ended with rounds of 30 second all outs with recoveries between. For the hill work, I kept it where my push pace resistance level usually is. I didn’t want to strain too much because I was worried I would put that strain into my back. I did work hard, just not as hard as I would have done if I was feeling ok.

On the rower, we had sprint rows and we were supposed to do power jacks with a medicine ball between each row. I knew that I shouldn’t lift a weight over my head and I didn’t want to have to bend over to grab the medicine ball each time I was going to use it. So I did regular squats instead and that worked just fine for me. We also had all out rows to match with the cardio side when they had them. I was able to do a bit better with those rows because they were so short.

And on the floor, we had one long block. We had front squats with dumbbells, upright rows with dumbbells, double crunches, goblet squats, lateral raises, and swimmers. I had to modify the front squats because I couldn’t hold the weights up that high so I did them as regular squats with weights. I also had to go much lower with the weights for all the exercises. Some of the exercises did use my back so obviously I needed lighter weight for those. But even the goblet squats had to be done with a lighter weight because I just couldn’t pick up the heavier one. Considering what the workout could have been and the modifications I could have needed, I was very happy with the limited modifications I had to do.

Friday’s workout was a mix of strength and endurance work. My back was doing much better than it was on Wednesday, but I still had twinges of pain when I moved certain ways so I had to be careful with what I did and how I moved. Unfortunately, one of the ways I felt pain was when I hunched over to adjust the resistance levels on the bike so I had to be very careful with that.

The cardio work was a mix of push paces at a flat incline and push paces with hills. But because I struggled to adjust the resistance level, I just used my new base pace for the base pace moments and my old push pace for the push paces no matter if there was incline work or not as well as the all out. Limiting it to those 2 levels helped a lot because I didn’t have to adjust things that often. I know that it didn’t make the workout as hard as it should have been, but it did allow me to have very little pain while on the bike.

The rower had 2 blocks with similar patterns. We had 2 rounds of a 200 meter row, 2 rounds of a 150 meter row, and rounds of a 100 meter row. Between each row we had medicine ball exercises. For the first block we had medicine ball ground to presses and for the second block we had medicine ball front raises. But I couldn’t lift a medicine ball that way without having pain. So for both blocks I did squats with the medicine ball. It wasn’t working the same muscles we were supposed to, but the muscles we were supposed to be using were the ones that hurt. And for the rowing, I tried to keep my rows as close to my normal times as possible. I had to be very cautious doing them because I discovered doing the proper form hurt more than doing a sloppy form. So I had to be aware of my body position so I didn’t injure myself a different way by having bad form.

And the floor had a lot of upper body and core work which was a bit tough for me. We also had drop sets which ended up giving me a good chance to test out different weights to see what my body could do while hurting. The first block had drop sets with chest presses and regular sets with bear steps and arm raises. The second block had drop sets with tricep extensions with weights and then regular sets with shoulder presses and sit-ups. I did have to go lighter with my weights for the weighted work, but I was doing better than I had done on Wednesday. And the core work wasn’t as tough as I thought it would be, it was just getting into position that was hard. Getting up and down from the ground was harder than the actual exercises.

Saturday’s workout was an endurance day and fortunately my back was almost totally normal. I’m lucky that I only had to deal with the bad pain for a couple of days, but I’m also aware that if I go too hard that I could injure myself again or the little pains I have could last much longer. So I took that knowledge into my workout to make sure I didn’t do anything too crazy.

For cardio we had lots of push paces to base paces. The base pace always matched the time of the push pace before it, but the block had a lot of variety. We had 2 minute, 90 second, 1 minute, and 30 second intervals throughout the time we were doing the cardio block. We ended with a 1 minute push pace followed by a 1 minute all out. And just like on Friday, the only time I had a bit of pain on the bike was when I had to lean over to change the resistance levels. So I kept it simple like I did the day before. So all the base paces were my new base pace and all the push paces were the old push pace even if they were the shorter ones. Usually I would do the old push pace for the longer ones and the new push pace for the short ones, but it wasn’t worth it for me to worry about the adjustments as much. I did use my new all out pace at the end which helped to end on a good note.

The rowing work was 1 long block. We started with a 2 minute row and then we had medicine ball work. Then we were supposed to reduce the row by 100 meters from what we did in 2 minutes and repeat the pattern. Usually I would use an even number no matter how far I went in 2 minutes, but I decided to do the math in my head each time and do what I actually did. The medicine ball work were squats to overhead raises and calf raises. I didn’t do the overhead raise with the squats and I kept the medicine ball at my chest for the calf raises to protect my back. But I felt like I was doing work much closer to what we were supposed to do.

And the floor block ended up being one of the highlights of the workout for me. The first block was almost all work that involved stepping on the bench. Until last week, I wasn’t able to do any exercises like that and would have to do squats or lunges instead. I still had to modify the actual exercises because I can’t do stepping up and down, but I was still able to use the bench. We were supposed to do step overs with crossing the back leg, step down toe taps, and power step ups. What I did was balancing on one leg while holding the straps for all the exercises. Instead of the step overs I basically did single leg squats with crossing the back leg behind me. For the toe taps and step ups I did single leg squats with keeping the leg I wasn’t using to the side. It’s much closer to the work than what I used to do even with all the modifications. The second block was lunges with bicep curls or uppercuts and side planks, all exercises I could do. I had to be careful with the side planks while I was going from standing to the floor and back, but the actual exercise was not painful or difficult.

There was no way for me to know that this past week was going to be thrown off by my back issues. But I am so grateful that it really didn’t hurt my workouts too much. I did have new modifications to do, but I also was getting a lot of stuff done that I hadn’t been able to do until recently. I think there were more positive things about this workout than negative and that’s awesome! My back is still a little tender and I have a few moments of little pains, but I’m doing so much better and I’m optimistic the trend will continue that way.

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Default ThumbnailWorking On My Strength (or Feeling More Normal Again) Default ThumbnailWorking Through A Rough Week (or Just Keep Moving) Default ThumbnailStill Working On Getting Better (or Starting To See My Normal Again) Default ThumbnailAn Up And Down Week (or Working Through The Same Frustrations) Default ThumbnailStill Testing Things Out (or Finding Another Advantage With The Bike) Default ThumbnailFeeling New Aches And Pains (or Working On More Pain Management)

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Just Some New Pain (or I Guess This Is A Sign Of Getting Old)

Posted on May 9, 2019 | 2 comments

One thing I didn’t mention in my post about going to the dentist was about how much pain I was in that day. I’m used to being in pain. It’s a reality of my life. But whenever I have pain that isn’t my normal pain, I swear it throws everything off.

This time, I was having horrible back pain. Somehow, I threw out my back. I know exactly when it happened and that couldn’t be the cause of it. I was pulling back my shower curtain after a shower when I had an intense pain on one side of my back. I could almost picture the spasms my muscle was having and it really shocked me. I have had random back pain from time to time, but I knew this was different.

I was trying to go about my day before going to the dentist, but everything was taking so much longer because I couldn’t move normally. By the time I went to the dentist, the pain wasn’t as sharp but it was still there. I was dealing with a weird dull pain that still felt like my muscles were twitching. Putting any weight on my back made it hurt worse so it was very painful to be laying in the dentist chair. I warned the staff there what was happening so they were allowing me to take breaks when I needed them so I could stretch or make the pain a bit less. But it was annoying and I’ve been trying to deal with this pain for the past few days.

With other pain I have, I know a general timeline of how long it will take to be better or what I need to do to make it stop. This time, I have no clue what to do for either. I also can’t easily use pain cream or KT tape since I can’t reach the area of my back that hurts without making it hurt worse. I’m just trying to do what I can with what I already use for pain. Stretching, using my foam roller and roller balls, and the acupressure mat are helping. I know that this injury is probably just going to take time to go away and I’m working on being gentle with myself.

I was almost laughing at myself when this happened. Throwing your back out seems like something that only happens to older people. But then again, I’m not that young and I already have issues that can potentially make my back worse. I know that with all my hip issues, I have to focus on keeping my core strong or my pelvis can get out of alignment and I know that affects my back. So maybe this injury is a result of hip issues and not old age, but I’m going to assume that it at least has a little to do with age.

From the people who I know have hurt their back this way, there’s nothing I can really do at this point besides be gentle and patient. That’s not the easiest thing for me to do, but I am noticing that things do get better each day. I can lay on my back again which is nice. So I’m trying to do that while reading instead of sitting up or laying on my stomach so that I’m not hunching over or straining my back. I’m trying to just be more aware of how different movement or positions make me feel and try not to push it too much when something is causing me pain. I know I need to push a little each day to stretch and get better, but I’m more aware now about what is good pain versus bad pain with my back. It’s so much easier for me to tell with my hips, but I have to remember that I’ve been dealing with that pain for over 13 years now so I don’t remember what it was like when it started.

And of course, this back issue had to start just after all my nausea ended so I don’t get to enjoy my non-nauseous time the way I’d like to. I’m not going to let it bring me down completely, but it does change up what I am going to do this week and next. I have to make sure that I find the balance of stretching and pushing myself and allowing myself to rest so I can get through this as quickly as possible. And doing that probably won’t involve going out too much since I want to have as much control of my environment as possible.

I already have had so many other signs that I’m getting old like having gray hair. I guess this is just another one and hopefully the last reminder of my age for a while.

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Surprises At The Dentist (or Guess I Have A Few More Appointments)

Posted on May 8, 2019 | 3 comments

I had my big dentist appointment this week. Going in for a cleaning has been getting easier, but it’s still something that stresses me out a lot. I don’t take my panic meds before going in, but I still feel some of the smaller panic attack symptoms as I go in for a cleaning appointment. And when I have my big dentist appointment where I have a teeth cleaning and the x-rays and visit with the dentist, that stressed me out even more. It doesn’t help that for a week or so before the appointment I have nightmares about my teeth.

Going in for my big appointment this time was making me feel the same panic that I expected, and I was trying to stay optimistic that everything would be fine. But I also know that due to genetics I have bad teeth and there are some things that I just can’t control with dental care. I can do everything right, and I will still need to have major work done. It sucks that I have genetically bad teeth and a fear of the dentist, but maybe they are a bit more related because I have had to have so much work done.

But this time, when I got to my dentist appointment, I had a surprise right away. My dentist actually had retired a few weeks prior! I had no clue about this and it really did surprise me. He brought on 2 new dentists (who are sisters) to run his practice and everyone else who was there before is still there. So I still have the same dental hygienist cleaning my teeth which to me is probably the most important thing since I see her 3 times a year (compared to once a year with my dentist). My nerves got better and worse after finding out my dentist retired because I still had to do my x-rays and big exam with the new dentist, but I had been told they were a little gentler than my old dentist.

My dental hygienist has been cleaning my teeth for so long that she gets my panic and anxiety. And before these big appointments she knows to warn me if there is anything that she sees that might need to have big work. This time, unfortunately, there were 2 things that she was concerned about. But we wouldn’t get an answer for sure until my x-rays were done.

After the x-rays I got to meet my new dentist and she was very nice. She also had been prepared about my anxiety issues and she was trying to be a calming person around me. I know she could tell that I was not doing well and she wanted me to have all the answers quickly and things wouldn’t be drawn out.

And my dental hygienist was right that there are 2 things that need to be worked on. I have a filling that chipped and a crown that needs to be replaced. The chipped filling is more preventative than anything because there is nothing wrong with my tooth right now. But if it’s not fixed it can get worse and a cavity could form or I could need a crown on that tooth. And the crown that needs to be replaced is due to a cavity forming right around the edge of the crown. There was nothing that I could have done to prevent this because the cavity is technically under the crown, but it was still upsetting news for me. I hate having dental work done and now I need to have 2 big things done.

The positives I guess are that both of the big things are kind of small things. The filling will be easy and the new crown should be much easier than getting the crown the first time. Since most of the work has already been done, the drilling part will be much faster. But I will still have to have needles to numb me and it will involve 2 appointments. I’ll have a temporary crown for a week before the permanent one is ready and I remember that the temporary one always felt a bit weird to me. But at least it will be over in a week.

With this new dentist, I really did want to impress her with staying calm about all this, but I can’t help how much this upset me when I saw the x-rays and they were explained to me. I did cry because it really just made me panic even more about the next appointments and how overwhelming it felt that I did everything right and I still have all this wrong with my teeth. I have friends that don’t floss and skip going to the dentist for years and have perfect teeth. I do all the preventative stuff I can at home and go 3 times a year and it isn’t enough. But even with me crying, this new dentist understood and tried to help me feel better.

I wish I could have been calmer (and more normal) at my appointment, but I guess that wasn’t what my first impression was supposed to be. And my new dentist made a great first impression on me, but I will find out very quickly if I am happy with how the major work gets done. Maybe writing that I could be happy is the wrong thing since I don’t think I will ever be happy about having major work done, but I hope that I tolerate it as well or better than I did before. And I already know that this new dentist will make the crown out of the same material so it will still look like a tooth and not be obvious.

I had all the hopes in the world that this appointment would have gone well and I wouldn’t have another dentist visit for 4 months. But now I will have appointments for the next 2 weeks and I can only hope that it goes well and I don’t have a bad panic attack for the next 2 appointments.

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Just Dragging On (or Another Apology For Another Short Post)

Posted on April 30, 2019 | 1 comment

I don’t like when I have short posts on here, but I’m sorry this is going to be one. I’m struggling right now with some really bad nausea and pain that has really made yesterday (when I’m writing this) drag on. I did too much and I should have taken it easy, but I didn’t. I did things that I know made my nausea worse and I didn’t take care of myself the way I know I need to.

I’ve also been dealing with a severe lack of sleep lately. This isn’t due to my pain and nausea, it’s a bad habit that I’ve been struggling to break. I’ll write more about this tomorrow but I’ve been having a lot of nights with only 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Having those nights occasionally isn’t great, but it’s tolerable. Having them for an entire week or two really makes it tough and makes me feel like I need to nap. On Sunday, I ended up taking 2 different naps that were each over 2 hours long. I needed that time to get other stuff done, but clearly I needed the sleep more. But I should have gotten that sleep overnight and not during the day.

Pushing myself to my limit when I’m not feeling great is a recurring issue for me, but it never seems to go away either. I knew that I was doing too much, but that didn’t stop me. I just wanted to push through and see if I could get it all done (I did) and see if it might not wear me down like it normally does (unfortunately, I had the same reaction as always). So I’ve had to find where I could cut back on responsibilities so I could take care of myself. And writing this blog post was something I felt like I could cut back on.

I know some people would say this is a sign to not blog every day, but if I planned things out better I would have gotten this post written sooner and what happened during the day wouldn’t have mattered. But I didn’t do that and I’m sticking with my commitment to myself. Plus, writing posts like this shows that even if all my posts around this one were exciting and happy that my life isn’t always like that. I struggle just like anyone else and that’s exactly what happened to me yesterday.

Hopefully tomorrow’s post will be better and I will be feeling more like myself and more rested.

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The Power Of My Voice (or Even More Closure)

Posted on April 24, 2019 | Comments Off on The Power Of My Voice (or Even More Closure)

A month ago, I wrote about how almost every month I learn something new about myself through my adventures in dating. And of course, I’ve learned another thing recently. And it is actually something I learned through the same guy I was writing about before. He is someone I was seeing on and off for a while but he is now engaged. He has continued to message me saying how he was confused and wanted to talk. While I felt like I had the closure I needed, I also couldn’t deny him the same. I know I don’t owe anything to anyone, but I can’t help it.

When we saw each other, he panicked and freaked out. He said he wanted to leave and while I didn’t want to hold him hostage I also didn’t want to lose this chance. I don’t plan on seeing him again because I have moved on and don’t care what he does with his life. He is the one who is still confused. It’s unfortunate since he is the one getting married soon, but I can’t control what he wants to do with his life. If he feels like he needs or wants to get married but is still confused about it, that’s on him. And I wanted to finally have the talk in person that we have been avoiding for a while.

He didn’t do much talking, but I did. Most of the things I said to him were things I have said to him over text. It was mainly about how he hurt me and how I have had to move on. I mentioned how I couldn’t forget what he did and how he was a coward in failing to be honest to me. I wasn’t trying to be mean or harsh, just truthful in what I felt and thought. I know it wasn’t nice and he didn’t like hearing what I had to say, but if he wasn’t going to talk about what he wanted to talk about I was going to talk about what I wanted to say.

He eventually left without saying much more than that he was sorry and that he couldn’t talk. He left very shook up by what I was saying and it surprised me to see that. I wasn’t saying things he didn’t know already. But I realized that every time he heard that from me in the past it was over text. Since he previously knew me as sweet and gentle (how I normally am in real life), maybe he was reading those messages from me with that same vibe. But hearing me say it and how strong I was being probably made him realize I wasn’t kidding before. Hearing the words come out of me most likely hit him in a different way than he had experienced before.

So much of our communication these days is over text. Not just with dating, but with work and personal stuff too. Even with my day job, I get more customers using our online chat system than phone calls. Texts are so much easier to do sometimes and they allow people to multi-task. But it also can lead to confusion since there is a lack of tone over text. While I feel like missing the tone usually leads to a text sounding worse than it really is, in this case with this guy it seems like it made it seem better. My feelings and thoughts were probably not taken seriously because my tone was missing. At least now I know that he knows exactly what I meant and if he is still confused that is completely on him. I cannot force him to be clear in what he wants, all I can do is make sure that I make myself clear. And that’s what I did.

Since meeting up with that guy, I have been more aware of when I send a text instead of calling or saying something in person. I know that not everyone likes to talk on the phone, but I can at least make an effort if I feel like something would be better over the phone. And some people will answer or will text if they can’t talk asking if they can call back later. I’m being extra cautious about what I text to someone and am going that extra step to call when I’m not totally sure if my tone would come across. It might be a silly thing, but realizing how little someone understood what I meant over text has made me so aware of making sure that it doesn’t happen again. It’s not about things as seriously as they were with this guy, but I’m still glad when I feel like someone knows what I’m saying and what I feel about it.

Obviously I will still do a ton of texting since that is much easier than calling and a lot of things can be said over text with no issues. But realizing the power of my voice with this one guy made me realize that I don’t appreciate that power enough and I should use it more often.

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A Gallbladder Reminder (or Hopefully This Is A Random Event)

Posted on April 16, 2019 | 1 comment

Prior to discovering my liver tumors, gallbladder attacks weren’t that unusual for me. In fact, the hospital visit where I randomly discovered the tumors was because I thought I was having the worst gallbladder attack of my life. Once I learned about the tumors and they started to shrink, my gallbladder attacks stopped. I discussed this with my liver surgeon and we think that since my tumors were so big they might have been pressing on my gallbladder and making my attacks worse. I still have gallstones and gallbladder issues, but it’s not anything like it used to be.

My liver surgeon was going to remove my gallbladder when I was supposed to have my tumor surgery. Since that didn’t happen, he said that he would still do both surgeries if I need one or the other. So if I need my gallbladder out, he can take out whatever tumors are still seen. I do feel better that I have a good surgeon because there is a very high chance my gallbladder will come out eventually. But I am in no rush to do it and since I haven’t been having attacks I don’t think about it too much.

But last week, I had my first attack in a long time. I don’t know what food triggered it because I didn’t eat anything weird. And it wasn’t like most of the attacks that I have had in the past. I usually can tell that an attack will be coming a few hours before it hits. I hate knowing that it’s coming, but I guess it’s also nice to have a warning. My attacks usually last a few hours and there are a few tricks I’ve done over the years to help the pain feel a bit less severe and I have some breathing techniques that I’ve used too.

This attack came on very quickly. I had no warning symptoms leading up to it. It just hit me and I was in the middle of an attack before I knew it. I was having the stomach pain, the rib pain, crushing sensation in my body, and overall body sweats within a minute or two of the attack starting. It was the weirdest thing because I am not used to it happening so fast. And I haven’t had an attack in so long that it did take a bit of time for me to realize what was happening. I was scared I was having a heart attack or panic attack and couldn’t calm down. After about 10 minutes, I realized it had to be a gallbladder attack and went to lay down on my bed to try to let it pass.

Since it’s been a while since I have had an attack, I guess I forgot how horrible they are. I was in so much pain and I couldn’t believe that it was so awful. The entire attack was over in under an hour which is much faster than normal for me. So maybe the attack was a condensed attack which made everything worse. Or maybe I just forgot about them since it’s been a while. Either way, I was so grateful when it was over and I was so upset that it happened.

I have no clue if this is the start of all my issues happening again or if this was a random attack. I’m really hoping it was random because I do not want to have to worry about this again. But if they happen as often as they used to, I probably will consider surgery more seriously because there is no reason for me to be in this much pain on a regular basis if it’s easy enough to prevent. I have an MRI in October to check my tumors and they usually check my gallstones too. I’m hoping that I can at least wait until then so I can have an idea if my gallstones are worse than they used to be.

I had been so optimistic about my gallbladder for so long now because the attacks stopped. Maybe I needed the reminder that I still need to be careful and aware of my gallbladder issues and that’s what this was. I really hope that’s what it was and I heard that reminder loud and clear. I do not want to go through another attack again. I know that that’s not necessarily possible, but I at least want a very long break again before I have another one.

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Blogging Led To A Breakthrough (or I Need To Believe I’m Worthy)

Posted on April 11, 2019 | Comments Off on Blogging Led To A Breakthrough (or I Need To Believe I’m Worthy)

Yesterday I wrote about how I was putting off doing an elimination diet to hopefully discover what triggers flares of one of my autoimmune conditions. I was honest about why I’ve been scared to do it and what I might or might not find out. Writing that all out did help me sort through my feelings a bit, but when I was done writing I wasn’t done thinking.

I kept wondering why I was so scared of something that will lead to answers one way or another. Even if I don’t find any foods that cause flares, I will learn that I don’t have trigger foods. That won’t be the result I want, but it’s more information than I have right now. But I knew that there had to it than just that. I thought maybe I was scared that it would trigger disordered eating behaviors, but I’ve done so many random diet plans and I know how I behave on them.

Then I realized something that I don’t know why I hadn’t connected before. Part of the reason I am hesitant to do this elimination diet that might help me is that I don’t necessarily believe I deserve to find out.

I’ve written about how in my past someone in my life liked to tell me that I wasn’t lovable or worthy of things. I’ve always thought of that in connection to dating and friendships. Whenever I get ghosted by a guy, I have to work through the thought that I was an idiot to think I deserved a guy that great. I was just ghosted by someone recently who I thought was a really great guy and I was looking forward to seeing him again. It sucks to be ghosted, but I know it has nothing to do with me. There are women in my life that look like supermodels that get ghosted. It’s a numbers game and since I put myself out there a lot I have the risk of being ghosted a lot.

But this false narrative I have about not being worthy does go beyond relationships. Maybe I’ve never connected it before or I never had the reason to connect it before. For years, I have said that I was unlucky with health related things because I always have weird stuff. But I never felt like it was my fault those things happened. They usually had a reason I could pinpoint that took the blame off of me somehow. But with an autoimmune condition, there’s nothing I can blame it on. Even if I discover what my triggers are, those didn’t give me this problem. It just makes it worse.

And I know that I didn’t do anything to deserve this issue or anything else health related. I know that it’s just a genetic issue or mutation that I had no control over. But that doesn’t change the fact that I have been putting blame on myself.

Part of it is because I was misdiagnosed for a while and some people believe the skin flares caused by my condition are due to weight or bad hygiene. While weight can make some of the flares worse, weight doesn’t control whether or not I get this or get flares. And hygiene has nothing to do with it, but I do take a lot of care of my skin where I get flares so I don’t have any secondary issues. But when I was told that this was something I could have controlled and it wasn’t getting better, I did blame myself for not doing more. And when I couldn’t make it better, I figured I was doing things wrong and I couldn’t figure out what to do.

Now that I know that this is an autoimmune condition, I don’t have the same blame on myself. But I do wonder why I had to have this bad luck and what I did to deserve this. And the answer is that there’s no explanation for the luck and I didn’t do anything to deserve it. But in the back of my head, there is still the voice that says that I’m not worthy of good things.

And one of the good things that I feel like I don’t deserve is to get answers and to have fewer flares. It’s such a weird back and forth in my head about whether or not I deserve it. I know I do because everyone deserves to have whatever control they can over their body and medical conditions. But that little voice keeps telling me that I’m crazy to think that.

I have been working on quieting that mean voice through therapy and it has gotten better in the past few years. But it seems to pop up every so often and sometimes it’s in very unexpected ways. I never thought that it would be one of the reasons I have been avoiding working on my autoimmune condition. But the more I think about it the more I feel like that makes sense.

I’ve said so many times that writing this blog is like therapy for me. And I think that it always will feel like that because it allows me to get my thoughts out and even though I risk people judging me it is my voice and opinions uncensored. That freedom is so great for me. And having a breakthrough moment because I couldn’t stop thinking about something I wrote is a new way this is therapy for me. I’m so grateful I figured that out because now I have something new to work on and see if I can keep making that negative voice quieter in my head.

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Avoiding Something I Should Be Doing (or Scared Of What I’ll Find Out)

Posted on April 10, 2019 | 1 comment

Usually, if I know something is going to help me or be good for me, I don’t hesitate to do it. There are a few exceptions, but I don’t normally waiver on the idea that something is going to better me. For example, even though I knew going off hormonal birth control would likely be an issue for me, staying on it was going to make my liver tumors continue to grow. I stopped the pill without a second thought. When I knew that I needed to add different supplements to my life to help with recurring medical conditions, I went to the store and bought them after leaving my doctor appointment. Even getting the non-wart/actual tumor off my face was something I didn’t go back and forth on once I found a doctor willing to do it.

But lately, I’ve been avoiding doing something that I know I probably should do. I have a few different autoimmune conditions and for one of them I deal with it flaring up. When I have flares, it causes very painful bumps on my skin and it can affect so many aspects of my life. There’s no cure for it and most treatments have a lot of negative side effects. And my condition is not nearly as bad as it is for many people so a lot of treatment options aren’t even options for me yet since they are for people with much more severe cases.

But something that I could do would be to find what my triggers are for my flares. Most people find that there are certain foods or categories of foods that trigger flares and you can stay almost flare-free if you avoid those foods. And the easiest way to figure out what foods cause flares is to do something called the AIP diet (which stands for autoimmune protocol diet). It’s like an elimination diet where you don’t eat foods that are common triggers for a period of time and then you slowly add the foods back in one by one. That way, when eat something that causes a flare you will know what it is so you can make sure you don’t eat it. This isn’t a diet that is meant to be long-term. You only follow the protocol until you know what your triggers are and then you go back to normal and just avoid the foods you need to.

I’ve known about this diet for a long time, but it was only recently when I decided to do it because I noticed I was having flares more often than normal. I originally planned on doing it after I had my trip last month, but then I got sick. There was no way I could follow the rules while sick and I knew my food habits would be weird then so I had to wait until I was better. And once I was better, I was dealing with pain and nausea so I decided to wait.

But this is just sounding like one excuse after another. And I had to think about why I have been acting like this. It took a few days of me doing some real soul-searching and thinking, but I think I finally realized what it came down to.

I’m terrified of what I will or won’t find out by doing this diet.

First, I’m scared I will find out I can’t eat foods that I love anymore without having flares. I would hate it if I couldn’t have dairy, eggs, or certain fruits and vegetables anymore. But I know that this is very likely because something is most likely one of the triggers for my flares. I don’t want to have to worry about every single thing I eat and if it has something in it that I won’t be able to eat. I’m scared that it will make eating at a restaurant difficult or that I will find it hard to adjust if something I love has to be out of my diet.

But I’m also scared that I won’t find out that any foods are causing flares. If I can’t find something that triggers them, that means I can’t do anything to help myself for now. I either have to see if I can do a treatment option that may be too harsh for me right now or I might have to wait to see if things advance to a more severe stage.

I don’t know which of those two terrify me more. They both sound horrible and I would be upset if they happened. But at the same time, doing nothing isn’t a good option either. I know I want to see if I can do something to help my autoimmune condition so that I don’t have to stress out about when a new flare will happen. I am lucky that the condition I have does tend to have food triggers because not all conditions have that. I have options I can try before I go to medications with lots of side effects and I owe it to myself to try those.

This is something that isn’t just something I should do for myself but what I need to do for myself. I do still need to do a bit more research on the plan so I can do it successfully, but I have a feeling I’ll be doing it soon so that I can try to find out some answers.

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Not My Usual Workout Recap Post (or I Survived A Bad Week)

Posted on April 8, 2019 | 1 comment

I know that for the past few years I’ve done workout recaps on Monday. I’m not planning on changing that, but this week I felt like I needed to do something different. I knew going into this past week of workouts that it was going to be my bad week. I’ve been trying to stay optimistic and hope that maybe my pain and nausea wouldn’t be as bad as it has been, but I also am realistic and prepare for the worst.

I did do my usual Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday workouts. But each day had its own struggles and things kept changing up. Monday was by far my worst day and Saturday was almost back to normal. I would say that Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday were pretty much what I expected to experience. It was Monday that really took me by surprise.

I had so many issues going into my workout on Monday. I was experiencing extreme pain and nausea. And I had spent the night before being sick every few hours so I didn’t get much sleep. Adding exhaustion to everything else really made it a bad day. And what made things a bit worse was that it was supposed to be a 3 partner workout. I really didn’t want to be partnered with anyone because I kind of needed to do my own thing. I ended up being paired with someone else doing their own thing too so it worked out well.

That workout was honestly about just getting through it. Even looking at the workout plan online, I can’t remember much of what I did. I was constantly having to take breaks to let nausea pass and to wait for my cramps to stop. The cramps were getting so bad that I was scared that maybe something else was wrong with me. But unfortunately they were just really bad cramps that my painkillers weren’t touching.

My last portion of that workout was on the floor and I was just miserable. My Monday coach has known me since my very first workout and he knows when I have bad weeks that I’m not my usual self. But he could tell it was much worse than normal and I was struggling so much. He came over to check on me and I burst into tears. It was a combination of pain, exhaustion, and frustration. I hate that I must have these weeks of struggle each month and I’m so tired of it. I can’t do anything right now to change it and sometimes it really gets to me when I realize I might have over a decade left of dealing with this.

I’m so lucky that my coach (and all of my coaches) are amazing. When I started crying, he just pulled me in for a hug and was trying to reassure me that I was going great and that it didn’t matter that I was having a bad week. He reminded me that a good week will come soon and for now I should focus on the fact that I showed up because not everyone would do that. While hearing that didn’t make things better or easier, it did give me the motivation I needed to keep going.

And most of my workouts this past week went the same way. My coaches all knew I was having a tough week (it’s pretty obvious when I do) and they all have coached me enough to understand that I have to do my own thing at times. I’ve been doing these modifications for over 2 years so I’m pretty good at figuring out what I need to do. I don’t need to be checked on when I’m having these tough days and they know it. I’m grateful that they aren’t hovering over me or making me feel like they are paying more attention to me than other people. I just want to be treated like everyone else and kind of blend in.

Part of the reason I didn’t want to do my normal workout recap was because there was nothing that great about my workouts. I don’t necessarily remember everything that I did and I think my brain is just blocking some of that time out of my memory to protect me from remembering how miserable I was. I really am hoping that this past week was just a random thing and not a sign of what future bad weeks will be like. Not only were my workouts affected during the beginning of the week, my entire life was affected. My normal remedies weren’t working and I was in a foul mood most of the time. Fortunately I’m doing so much better now and I know I’ve got a few weeks of freedom before experiencing a bad week again.

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