Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Having A Hot Mess Day (or I Should Have Just Stayed In Bed)

Posted on June 25, 2019 | 1 comment

For years, I’ve talked about how I have dumb days and smart days. Fortunately for me, most of my days are smart days (or at least neutral days). When I have a dumb day, I just can’t figure things out. Everything becomes a huge issue and I just cannot think correctly. They seem to hit me pretty hard, but I have gotten used to the idea of having them so I know how to deal with it when it happens.

But this past Sunday I had something new. I have started to call it Hot Mess Day. That’s when everything seems to not go my way no matter what I do or try to make happen. It was honestly an epically bad day. It was so bad that I got to a point where I just had to laugh about things because I didn’t know so much could pile up on me and I didn’t know what would come next.

It started with having a bad pain and nausea day. I knew I would be happening based on how things happen with me and my cycle. I have gotten used to having these days, but it doesn’t necessarily make them easier. When I woke up, I had to take the various medications I need to make things not as severe and then I went back to lay down and wait for the meds to kick in. Once they did, I took advantage of a brief moment of feeling almost normal to get some grocery shopping done. I have to time out my errands around when I’m feeling a bit better during these bad days, so I knew I needed to do something at that moment. So I got all my things for the store and left to do my grocery shopping.

Things seemed normal until I got to the checkout. I had forgotten that the night before I had to use my credit card for something online and for some reason I forgot to put the card back in my wallet. I don’t know if I’ve ever forgotten to do that before (maybe I was having a dumb day and didn’t know it?) and I couldn’t believe it happened to me. I did have another card I could use for groceries, but it was not the card I wanted to use and I was beating myself up a bit for not checking to see if I had put my card back in my wallet the night before.

Once I got home from the grocery store, I was feeling pretty awful. I got the groceries away that needed to be in my fridge and freezer and left everything else for later while I went back to my bed to lie down. I was sweating from how bad the pain was and I was getting sick. When I was sick, I took the few steps from my bed to get to my bathroom. My bed isn’t high up or anything so there’s usually not an issue getting out of bed quickly. But for some reason, something happened one time getting out of bed to go to the bathroom on Sunday. I still don’t know exactly how it happened, but when I put my left foot down I had a huge shock of pain. It actually took my breath away for a second. I ignored the pain while I went to the bathroom but when I was feeling more normal I turned my focus to my foot.

My left foot and ankle were looking extremely swollen and bruised. I could maybe understand being swollen or bruised, but to have both was weird. I feel fairly certain I didn’t break anything and it’s just a bad sprain, but it was still painful. I had some KT tape in my bedroom so I used that to tape up my ankle and then went back to being in bed trying to wait for the next time I was feeling normal so I could do some laundry.

And if all this wasn’t enough, I had a screwup with a job on Sunday too. This wasn’t my fault because I had been told to do something by one person and it turns out they were wrong and I had to go back and fix the work I did. Nobody blamed me for it, but I was the one who had to fix things and figure out how to work around it. I had to redo the work I had done earlier that day, but it took less than 20 minutes to make the fix. If Sunday had been a normal day, I think this wouldn’t have bothered me too much. But because of everything else I had to deal with earlier in the day, this was almost a bit of a breaking point for me. I decided I couldn’t deal with much more and just spent the rest of my evening sitting on my couch and watching really bad/trashy tv. It seemed a fitting evening for the day.

I’m aware that I do need to have bad days to help me appreciate the good ones, but I really would prefer the bad days to not be this bad or to hit me as much as this one did. But as some of my friends put it to me on Monday, I survived my Hot Mess Day. It doesn’t matter how bad the day was, I made it through and I should remember that if I can get through that I can probably get through anything. It’s a great way to think about it and I’m glad I had people who could put it into that perspective for me. But I’ll still be hoping that this Hot Mess Day is a once in a lifetime issue and the rest of the bad days I have in my future are easier to deal with.

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Default ThumbnailGrateful For Quick Turnarounds (or Neutral Doesn’t Mean Bad) Default ThumbnailThis Cold Really Took Me Down (or Several Days Of Doing Nothing) Default ThumbnailPain Distracts From Other Pain (or The Rain Isn’t Too Bad This Time) Default ThumbnailA Bit Of Self-Care Fail (or Maybe I Was Hard On Myself) Default ThumbnailBeing A Bit Paranoid (or Trying To Believe I’m Not Having More Health Issues) Default ThumbnailOrganization Time (or Seeing A Bit Of A Mess)

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Another Online Class (or I Just Have To Keep Trying)

Posted on June 19, 2019 | Comments Off on Another Online Class (or I Just Have To Keep Trying)

For a very long time, I have tried to find a way to recover from my eating disorder. I’ve tried lots of different things and nothing has been the fix I have been looking for. But as I have tried more and more, I’ve also realized that there is a chance that nothing will be the perfect solution and I have to probably use multiple tools and skills to get into recovery.

Most things I have tried have benefitted me at least a little. Or even if I found no benefit, I have learned that they aren’t the right thing for me and I don’t have to worry to keep trying it. Sometimes, thinking something might work can be stressful and it’s nice to know that it won’t so I don’t have to waste any brain space on it. And some of the things that I didn’t find super beneficial at first have connected with me at another time and they are helping.

Right now, I’ve got a few things that have been helping me. Those include the medications that I’m taking, the therapy that I do, and some of the books and research that I have continued to read. With my medication, it’s been an interesting journey with having to change things up to figure out the right dosage. I think what I’m taking now is a good dose and I do feel it helps. And there is a chance that I will be adding another medication soon which should help more. But that decision will come in the next month or so. Therapy was much more helpful in the beginning when I was still trying to figure things out. Now that I have a lot of the answers I have been looking for, therapy is a good check-in, but it’s not as mind-blowing as it was before. I don’t have a lot of huge realizations in therapy, but I do hope that I might have some from time to time as I continue to grow.

And the books I have read about recovery have been one of the more helpful things because it has made me feel less alone in this entire thing. Eating disorders can be isolating and I feel like binge eating was even more isolating because it wasn’t understood to be an eating disorder until recently. I have found some online communities that have helped, but I think the books and research I do have made me feel less alone than those communities.

One of the first books I read that connected to me was “Brain Over Binge”. Many people raved about the book and said it helped them recover when nothing else did. I went into reading the book hoping it would do the same for me. While it didn’t, it did bring a lot of insight into my eating disorder and helped me think very differently about it. I read the book a while ago and knew I wanted to read it again, but then I heard about the online course that the author of the book was doing.

I knew she had done other online courses before, but I never really looked too much into it. I knew it was out of my budget at the time so I didn’t focus on what it offered or what it was about. But for some reason, this time I really wanted to see what the course was about and really put some thought into if I could find a way to afford it since I know that finding a way to recover is priceless (as cheesy as that sounds).

Because of some of the changes that were made to the course, it was much cheaper this time than it was before. Its still something that I had to budget for and find where I could not spend money so I could pay for it, but I knew I had to go for it. This is worth it for me to try and I didn’t want to skip an opportunity just because of money.

The course is 8 weeks long and it just started this week. The entire thing is online and there are assignments Monday-Friday. Some of the assignments are worksheets or journal prompts and some are listening to different types of audio coaching. Everything can be downloaded so I can keep the resources forever. I am making sure I download everything because I want to have access to them whenever I need them. I don’t know if this course will connect with me right now, so I want to have the ability to try again later if I need to.

I’ve only done a few lessons so far, but I am enjoying them. Even though a lot of the information is the same I got from reading the book, they are presented in a different way and it feels different. I’m trying to not have too much pressure with myself to make this course be the thing that gets me to a place of recovery, but I do have a lot of optimism that it will help at least a little and maybe more than anything else I have tried before.

Like I said, I have realized that recovery is going to require multiple tools and skills and every time I add another one it can only be a good thing. Of course I want this to work perfectly and be everything I need, but I am looking at it as another option and tool I can use when it feels right. And if I can have a tool or skill to use for anything that may come my way, that’s going to help me win this battle no matter what.

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Default ThumbnailAnother Monthly Challenge Down (or July and August Challenges) Default ThumbnailMore Eating Disorder Research (or Reading About HDE) Default ThumbnailKeeping My Emotions In Check (or You Are Not Your Brain) Default ThumbnailFinding A Community (or Online Motivation) Default ThumbnailFinding Some More Control (or How Medical Stuff and Dating Stuff Are Alike) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapy Check In (or Someone Sees Progress)

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Time Flies (or I Didn’t Realize I Would Be Here So Soon)

Posted on June 18, 2019 | Comments Off on Time Flies (or I Didn’t Realize I Would Be Here So Soon)

I’ve written about time moving quickly multiple times. I know that’s part of getting older. Someone once said that it happens because each year you get old a single year represents a smaller portion of your overall life. That makes so much sense to me even though it doesn’t help with making time go by slower. I try to be mindful every day so time doesn’t slip away, but it seems like that still doesn’t help all the time.

Sometimes it’s almost embarrassing when I realize how long it’s been since I’ve seen a friend or talked to them in person or on the phone. Texting and social media do help me stay in touch with people, but I know I need more than that to maintain my relationships. I recently texted a friend to say happy birthday and mentioned how we were very overdue for a catchup phone call. Then I realized that it might have been almost a year since we talked on the phone! We’ve texted and messaged in the past year, but I should be better about having more regular phone call routines.

Another place where time has just flown by has been with the temporary job I have been doing for my old boss. This has flown by in a few ways. First, I can’t believe that I’m in my last 2 weeks with the job. I have been working very hard since it started because there was so much work that I had to do. I think being that busy has made things fly by and I didn’t really focus on more than just getting the work done that day. I didn’t think about how it’s been a few weeks or a month. I knew that it was going to go quickly because it was a temporary job, but I guess I didn’t think it would feel this quickly.

And because the time flew by, I made a mistake that I said I wasn’t going to do again. I stopped focusing as hard as I should have on my job hunting. Fortunately, I am in a better spot than I was before because the money I made with the temporary job will hold me over for a little bit. But it won’t last forever. And I told myself I wouldn’t wait until the job ended to work on job hunting. But that’s exactly what happened. And now I’ve got only a few more days of work without a clear plan on what to do next.

I am grateful that I have a lot of job hunting sites that I was using before so I don’t have to worry about finding where to look for work. That doesn’t make finding a new job easier, but at least the prep time won’t be needed again. I just have to find the time to really focus on job hunting so I can find something soon.

But the other problem with time flying by with this job is going to affect my ability to job hunt. I knew how many hours my contract was when I started it. I obviously want to do every hour in my contract so I earn all the money I can. And I thought I had a good plan with how to split up the hours each week so that I would be able to finish them all. I know there were a few days where I couldn’t work due to how I was feeling, but I honestly thought I had made up for what I had missed. But when I looked at the hours I have to do for this final paycheck, it’s significantly more than I expected. I will be able to get them all done, but I need to work more hours than I have ever done for this job and I may also need to work on the weekend. It’s not what I expected to have to do, but it’s what I would do.

Because of all the hours I need to work, I know that I won’t be doing the job searching like I should be doing (and should have been doing this entire time). I guess I can’t be too upset since I haven’t really been doing what I said I’d do. So missing another week or so it’s going to ruin too much. But I am upset that I didn’t do it this entire time and now I know I’ll be worried about work again. I’m putting my feelers out again and I also hope that maybe there will be another temporary job I can do. I’m trying to stay optimistic that I won’t have a huge gap in work, but I also know I can’t depend on my optimism and that I have to put in the work.

With time going so quickly, I just have to hope that it won’t be a long time before I do find that new job. I don’t want months to fly by and I realize I’m out of money. I don’t have as much control in this situation as I would like, but I know that I have more control than what I have been doing so far.

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Default ThumbnailA Job Hunting Update (or Making Sure I Don’t Repeat My Financial Year Again) Default ThumbnailLooking Forward To Some Big Spending (or Needing New Technology) Default ThumbnailJob Hunting (or You Never Know Unless You Ask) Default ThumbnailWorking To Find Work (or Maybe My Last Work Related Post Did Get Read) Default ThumbnailTime To Make A Game Plan (or Guess I’ll Be Doing Some Job Hunting) Default ThumbnailTraining Day At A New Possible Job (or Next Time, I’ll Give Myself 3 Hours To Get There)

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Another Downside To My Bad Week (or Just Doing Nothing)

Posted on June 7, 2019 | Comments Off on Another Downside To My Bad Week (or Just Doing Nothing)

I’m having a bit of writer’s block trying to figure out this post. To be totally honest, I wasn’t sure what I would write at all this week and I’m worried a bit about next week. It’s not that I don’t want to write. I really do. But I hate when I have nothing to write about. And that’s the problem I’m having right now.

Often, the posts I write are about things that happened the week prior. It’s not always like that, but I love when that happens so I can plan. And last week, besides working hard doing the various jobs I have I didn’t do much. I spent the week in pain and nauseous and I did not have motivation to do anything else. I hate when I feel like that, but it’s my reality and sometimes I just can’t deal with it. I try my best not to let that time go by without doing much, but I know that every so often I do need to escape from the world a bit and just want to sit on my couch and do nothing.

Sometimes when my friends and family don’t hear from me for a week they think I’m super busy. That’s what my parents thought when we finally had a phone call. It sucks to have to say that I wasn’t doing something fun and awesome but instead just didn’t feel comfortable enough to be on the phone and spent that time being miserable. I don’t usually share on the phone to people that I’m not feeling good because I’m not looking for pity. Sometimes I do share it when I’m hanging out in person with someone because I know that when nausea hits I don’t look ok. I just want to warn them what’s going on. And while I appreciate when people say they are sorry for me, I don’t want that feeling so I don’t share it when it’s not something I feel is needed.

Even if my friends did reach out to me last week, I don’t think I would have gone out to do anything with them. There are some months when I do feel a bit more up for trying to do something to distract myself. Sometimes I feel like there is a bit more of a pattern to my nausea so I work around it. Or for whatever reason I have extra motivation to just overcome how I’m feeling and I don’t want to let it bring me down. And unfortunately, this time it wasn’t that way and I did a lot of nothing at home.

My doing nothing (besides working like crazy) was mainly catching up on my DVR and Netflix/Hulu and doing some reading. Nothing interesting to really share with you all. And I know I should be grateful that I had the opportunity to do nothing and I have the luxury of not having to work in an office and commute when I feel so horribly. But at the same time, when I reflect back on a week and realize that it was lost to pain and nausea I can’t help but be a little upset.

I know that I could change this blog to not be every day so I don’t stress when this happens, but I still like having it as my motivation to make sure that I try to stay as active in my life as possible. And most of the time, I feel like I do have interesting and fun things to share. But every so often there is the time in my life that ends up being not interesting and filled with non-productive things that leads to posts like this one. But hopefully next week will be more interesting to make up for it.

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Default ThumbnailSorry For A Quick Post (or Going Through A Tough Day) Default ThumbnailAnother Hard Workout Week (or A Repeat Of The Last Week In More Ways Than One) Default ThumbnailI Hate Having A Hard Workout Week (or Not My Usual Workout Recap) Default ThumbnailOne Bad Hour (or Hating Panic Attacks And My Gallbladder) Default ThumbnailWhy Can’t I Just Have A Normal Week? (or Another Bad Week Of Workouts) Default ThumbnailSleeping Away The Day (or Sometimes The Pain and Nausea Are Just Too Bad)

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Mental Health Month (or Better Late Than Never)

Posted on May 31, 2019 | Comments Off on Mental Health Month (or Better Late Than Never)

May is Mental Health Month. And yes, I’m aware that today is the last day of May so it’s pretty much over. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to write about it or not. And I realized that my indecision about it was probably a sign that I did need to write something. I’m getting it in just before it’s too late, but that’s ok. I’m still getting it done.

I’ve written about mental health on here a lot. I’ve written about my various struggles as well as the struggles of people in my life. For so long, mental health was something that wasn’t shared openly. If people were struggling, they didn’t share it because they didn’t want to be judged. Now, while there still is some stigma it is getting so much better. People know they aren’t alone in their struggles and there is no shame in asking or getting help. If someone is going to treat you badly for working on yourself, then they are the bad one and not you.

I’ve been lucky that I haven’t really had people who have treated me badly for my mental health struggles. I know that some of them have confused friends and family and I still have to explain myself. I would say my eating disorder is the thing most misunderstood or questioned in my life and I understand that. Binge eating disorder is a relatively new eating disorder when it comes to being a real diagnosis and not everyone understands that it is not just wanting to eat. I usually don’t want to eat when I have a binge episode.

The other mental health thing of mine that seems to be misunderstood is my OCD. I don’t have it the way that most people imagine it to be. I think people think of OCD as rituals or cleaning techniques. I know some people also think it has to do with personal hygiene such as washing your hands endlessly or needing to use certain products to feel ok. For me, my OCD is mainly about having things look right to me. There’s not an easy way to explain it, but I will see something that looks off and I can’t focus until I fix it. It’s not always something crooked or dirty. If my pens look like they are not in a good order for me, I have to fix it. If there is a plate of fries and there’s one that doesn’t look right, I can’t stop thinking about it until it has been eaten (which isn’t easy to make happen if it’s on someone else’s plate). I’ve had some people claim I couldn’t have OCD because I don’t act like what they expected. It’s not upsetting to me anymore that someone questions my mental health issues. It’s a little annoying and I usually feel like I have to explain how it works for me. It’s a bit of education for them and a bit of reassurance for me that I am heard and hopefully understood.

Lately, I have wondered if I’ve been struggling with mental health because I’ve been dealing with a lot of mood related things that I usually don’t go through. I’ve been much easier to upset and anger and I haven’t been holding my emotions back. But I’ve realized that these are probably not struggles as much as progress. I have been working on standing up for myself more and I think that makes things more emotional. If someone is treating me a way I know I shouldn’t be treated, I don’t let it slide anymore. I call them out and that can get me upset. That’s not a sign of a struggle. Allowing myself to let my emotions out is a good thing and can feel very cathartic at times.

I know that I am incredibly lucky when it comes to mental health. I have insurance that covers medication and doctor appointments and I have a diagnosis. That is a lot more than many people have. And I have been working on this for a while and have seen so many steps forward. I have some people in my life still at the beginning of things and they worry it will never get better or that things will turn around. But I know that for them it will get better and they will see the other side of things. I know it’s hard to believe that when you are in a dark or difficult place, but hopefully they will see things from another perspective soon.

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Default ThumbnailHaving To Defend Myself (or My Eating Disorder Isn’t Taken Seriously By Others) Default ThumbnailWorld Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open) Default ThumbnailNot What I Want To Weigh (or About A Month To Go) Default ThumbnailNational Eating Disorder Awareness Week (or Not Talking About It Is Part Of The Problem) Default ThumbnailFiguring Out Some Self-Care (or Working On My Physical And Mental Health) Default ThumbnailDoing A Health Check-In On Myself (or Seeing Where I’m Slipping)

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My First Subpoena (or A Date For Court)

Posted on May 30, 2019 | Comments Off on My First Subpoena (or A Date For Court)

About a month ago, I posted about a drunk driving accident that was on my street. It was a crazy night and even though it was an accident with only one moving car involved it was not as simple as that. The driver hit and totaled multiple cars and many neighbors had to deal with the aftermath. I expected the police to need to talk to everyone with property damage. What I wasn’t expecting was to need to be interviewed as well.

I took the keys out of the car that the drunk driver was driving because he was trying to turn it on. I don’t think he was trying to get away, but because of everything leaking from his car, I didn’t want something to catch on fire. It turns out that by being the person who took the keys, I became one of the main witnesses. The night of the accident I ended up staying up until it was the morning because of needing to be interviewed. That was a little annoying since the next day I was exhausted, but I was happy to help and found it almost funny that I became an important witness just because I was scared the car would blow up.

When I was interviewed, the police told me they would contact me if they needed anything else. But I really didn’t think there would be more. The entire thing seemed pretty simple. The guy hit these cars and it wasn’t a question of if there was another car at fault. I know they did some sort of sobriety test on him so I figured that would be that as well. So a few weeks ago, I was shocked when I received a court subpoena!

I had never received a subpoena before and honestly I was scared when it happened. I didn’t know what was going on because I didn’t think it was related to the accident. But that was obvious when I opened up the envelope and read through the paperwork. Unfortunately, a lot of other things weren’t too obvious.

I was given a date to appear in court as a witness but it also said I was on call and may not need to appear. I did understand that I had to fill some paperwork out and get it back to the court right away. So I did that and then continued to be confused about whether or not I had to go to court. I did let my manager at work know what was going on as I tried to understand if I actually was going to miss work. Fortunately, my manager is super understanding and she just told me to tell her when I knew what was happening.

I had some time before that court date, so I did do some research. It appeared that I didn’t have to go in that date unless I was called, but I also had to call in every day for 2 weeks from the court date to confirm things. I tried to call the day before to find out if I was supposed to go in, but nobody answered nor did they return my message. I didn’t go (I assumed they would have told me if I did need to go in) but I did spend that day working wondering if I would be getting a call. I dressed the way I would need to dress if I was going in instead of my usual yoga pants in case that call happened and I had to get into my car immediately.

But I didn’t get a call. And when I called in that afternoon to find out about the next day, I finally got through to someone. They confirmed that I wasn’t needed that day, but I was still on hold for the next day and had to continue to check in every day until I was told otherwise. Fortunately, I only had to call in another day after that before I was told the trial was done and the case was settled. I was told what the driver had as a penalty (I don’t know if I can share it, but it’s basically what the standard punishment is for a DUI) and I was told that I no longer needed to call in.

I was glad that I did do all the correct things and I didn’t find out that I was supposed to be there when I was at home. It was a little nerve-wracking because so many of the forms I had to sign said that I agreed I would be arrested if I didn’t do what I was supposed to do. But even though I’m glad that everything turned out fine and the trial ended, I was a little disappointed I didn’t get to go and testify. I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts and I was curious to see what court would be like. I’ve never been to court and it’s a big mystery to me. I was excited to see how things work. But I know that it’s probably for the best that I didn’t have to miss work to go in. But it was an exciting idea that I was possibly going to go to court. I’m just glad that this is now all done and hopefully everything was resolved properly for everyone.

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Default ThumbnailHit and Run (or I Don’t Want Car Accidents To Be An Annual Thing) Default ThumbnailA Drunk Driver On My Street (or Meeting Some Neighbors After 9 Years) Default ThumbnailAre You Freaking Kidding Me?!?!?!?! (or It Feels Like “Groundhog Day”) Default ThumbnailSupporting A Friend (or Another Story I Haven’t Talked About Before) Default ThumbnailTime For A Celebration! (or A Pie Date) Default ThumbnailI’ve Got A Surgery Date (or Almost The 2 Month Countdown)

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Last Dentist Appointment For A While (or Not Really A Quick Appointment)

Posted on May 28, 2019 | Comments Off on Last Dentist Appointment For A While (or Not Really A Quick Appointment)

Last week I was back at the dentist again for the 4th time in 3 weeks. But at least this time it was the last of my appointments for all the work I had done. It was supposed to only be 3 appointments (my original cleaning and exam, part 1 of a crown, and part 2 of a crown), but I did have that extra appointment the day after the first part of my crown to have the temporary fixed. For someone who fears the dentist, this was a lot to go through. But going into the last appointment I was trying to tell myself that it was going to be the easiest and quickest appointment.

Of course, like everything that happened over the past few weeks, it didn’t quite go like that. It should have been easy to remove the temporary crown, fit the permanent one, and cement it down. I don’t know exactly how long it should have taken, but I expected to be out of there in under an hour for sure. I was hoping it would be under 30 minutes. But things were not just in my favor. First, the dentists were running a bit behind. Another patient had an emergency and I understand those things happen. I didn’t mind that it was running late and was ready to get things started by the time I was in the chair.

Once my temporary crown was removed, the dentist noticed there was a little bit of plaque on the tooth underneath. I was afraid something like that happened because the night before I was worried that a bit of food got under the temporary crown. It doesn’t fit perfectly so that is possible and that’s what probably happened to me. But in order to keep my tooth under the crown healthy, they had to clean it. And since the tooth is shaved down, things hurt more than cleaning normal teeth. I was given the option of getting numbing shots, but I preferred to deal with the pain of the cleaning over shots. It wasn’t fun and I had to have the dentist take breaks from time to time, but I got through it and was ready to move on to fitting the permanent crown.

The crowns never fit perfectly and they always have to be fitted. But for some reason, my crown just was not fitting right after multiple attempts to fit it. My dentist was able to get it eventually, but it took several tries. Every time it was attempted, it did hurt a bit. It’s a weird pain sensation when it happens and I remembered exactly what it was like from the last time I got a crown. I braced myself each time because it never got easier. But the downside to doing the fitting so many times is that my gums got a bit inflamed and swollen. Which made it even harder when it was time to cement it down. My dentist had me do some things to help make it better, but it took time waiting as well.

Finally, we got to cementing the crown on. That part was probably one of the most painful parts for me (it’s the pain of the tooth underneath and the coldness of the cement), but I was so glad we were finally at the last step. I was ready to be done because this “quick” appointment really ended up taking almost 2 hours. I know that things were just not happening the way they should have and this was not anyone’s fault. But it was a little frustrating that everything seemed to be working against me and making this so much harder to deal with.

But I tried to focus on the positives. I did get all the work done that needed to be done. If it wasn’t done, things would have been so much worse for me when I did have them fixed. And I shouldn’t have to do a crazy amount of work like this again soon, hopefully. I do know that the other crowns I have will eventually need to be replaced, but I’m hoping it will be years later. And I think this was a great way for me to become very comfortable with my new dentists. They are aware of my fears and issues and are very willing to work with me. I feel confident that when I need to have major work again that they will be just as willing to work with all my issues. They have only been my dentists for 3 weeks, but I’m almost as comfortable with them as I was with my old dentist who I had for almost 18 years.

I have no clue if these intense appointments made my fear of the dentist better or worse, but I do know that it helped me feel more comfortable with what happens going forward. Just because I’m comfortable doesn’t mean that I’m not as fearful, but it does mean that I’m not scared that I will be at an appointment and the dentist will not be ok with making sure I’m ok. That’s a good step for me.

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Figuring Out My Own Advice (or Why Is It Easier To Help Others?)

Posted on May 24, 2019 | Comments Off on Figuring Out My Own Advice (or Why Is It Easier To Help Others?)

I’m pretty sure this is close to a universal issue, but it is so much easier for me to give advice to others than to give it to myself. Even when the advice I’m telling someone else is exactly what I need to do as well, it’s still easier to tell it to someone else. I know that some of it is probably being resistant to change and so I might be hearing my own advice and just not taking it. But more often than not I feel like the advice isn’t something I realize until I say it to someone else.

But I’ve noticed a related issue lately for me. It’s so much easier for me to work for something for someone else than for myself. For example, if I need to work on something for myself it seems like an endless task that is impossible to start. But if someone else asks if I can help them with something, I don’t see those challenges and I am able to not only start right away but complete it quickly. I have no clue why I am so much more willing or able to help someone that isn’t myself.

I’m sure someone would say that it’s about how I value myself against others. And there likely is an element of that happening. I don’t see myself on the same level as others around me and I feel like sometimes my issues are not as important as someone else’s. Or I feel so much easier to put myself last and prioritize what other people need. I can always make excuses to myself for why something isn’t done but I can’t do that for someone else. I’ve known this is a problem for myself for a while and it is something I am working on. But it seems to be so easy to drop everything to help someone else when they ask, so I keep doing it.

But I also have people in my life that call me out for doing that. Even if I’m sharing advice that someone thinks I could use too, they will point it out. I really appreciate when someone does that because it does make me more aware of when it’s happening. I do get a bit annoyed that it has to pointed out and not that I realize it on my own, but that has to do with me and not with other’s pointing it out. And I have asked friends to continue doing it because it is much more helpful than annoying and I know I need it.

What I have started to do as people point it out is to make a note of what the advice is. I’m hoping I can find some trends of what type of advice I can easily give to someone else but not apply to my own life. I know a lot of it has to do with how I see myself compared to how others see me as well as realizing my importance, but that is something that I have struggled with for so long so I think it may be an ongoing issue for me. But if I see specific advice happening over and over again that I share with others, maybe that can give me a bit of guidance to what I should focus or work on.

But at least when friends point it out to me, they share that they have the same problem which does help. There are some things I struggle with that I wonder if I’m the only one who has the issue. But not being able to take my own advice is something that at least the people I know have trouble with too. I think because it is something that is so well understood by others that they are more willing to help me figure it out and don’t judge when I am having trouble with it. If only so many other things in life were so easy to relate to with others. I’m sure it would make working on things so much easier.

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Adult Conversations and Feeling Like A Kid (or A Very Busy Saturday)

Posted on May 21, 2019 | Comments Off on Adult Conversations and Feeling Like A Kid (or A Very Busy Saturday)

This past Saturday was quite a day. I had my usual things like work and my workout, but it also ended up being an overwhelming day. Everything that made the day overwhelming were things that were last minute, so I had no way to prepare for them. Fortunately, I ended the day on a positive note when I didn’t think that was possible earlier in the day.

The overwhelming stuff started with having a very difficult conversation with someone in my life. I’m not trying to be vague, but I do want to protect who they are since this is something that isn’t completely resolved. But this person is someone who I thought cared about me (and I cared about them) and they hurt me. They actually hurt me about a year ago and this conversation was something we have needed to have since then. I was ready to discuss it right away, but they kept putting it off.

I knew that I might have to be ok with not having the discussion I wanted and trying to let things go, but it was not easy to do that. Fortunately, they agreed finally that we needed to be adults and talk things out instead of just ignoring them. And part of this talk included being very open and vulnerable with each other and asking and answering questions. It was hard, it wasn’t easy to hear some of the things they had to say, but it needed to be done and I’m glad we did it.

We talked things out for several hours before I had to leave and while things are not settled yet they are in a much better place. I cried leaving because so much of the stress and hurt I have had for the past year was finally being released and it was such a good feeling. I don’t think things will ever be the way they were with this person again, but we are going to hopefully work toward getting close to that (I am happy to work toward that, I don’t know if they will be as willing). This felt like such an adult and mature moment for me because there were so many ways we could have skipped what we discussed and it probably would have been easier in the moment. But in the long run, having this talk will be for the better.

I was emotionally spent after that talk and when I got home I was ready to just sit on my couch and do nothing. But I also didn’t want to have the rest of my evening consumed with thinking about it. I called my friend Dani to decompress from things and to talk things out. And while we were talking we both agreed we should go out and do something but didn’t know what to do.

We ended up deciding to go and see the Avengers movie (which I hadn’t seen yet) and there was a screening of it at the theater near me an hour after we decided that’s what we were going to do. And this worked out even better because Dani just moved to an apartment near my house! It’s not that common to have friends that live walking distance from me. It almost feels like it did in high school when all my friends were super close.

Even though we are walking distance from each other, it was late and I didn’t want to walk alone. So I drove to pick up Dani and got a chance to see her new place. Then we went to the movie and after I drove her home so she didn’t have to walk alone.

Avengers was an awesome movie, the only thing was it is a long movie and we went to a late screening. I knew it was long and people warned me to not drink too much water before so I wouldn’t have to leave for the bathroom. Maybe it’s because I cried earlier in the day, but I had the opposite problem. I was so thirsty during the movie and had to leave to get more water. That also gave me a break from sitting so I could stretch. But overall, I loved the movie and it was such a beautiful conclusion for many of those characters.

By the time I got home, it was really late and I was ready for bed. I was still a bit drained from earlier in the day, but I was doing so much better than I was before the movie. I ended the day seeing a great movie with an awesome friend and it took my mind off of other things that happened. And even though this issue with the other person in my life probably will be something I have to worry about again in the future, I really haven’t had to think about it much since Saturday.

Being an adult and having a tough conversation with someone in your life isn’t easy. I know I have skipped doing it many times that I should have gone for it. I have let things sit when I wasn’t ok with them and I have gotten to a point in my life where I don’t want to tolerate that. But at least I have other people in my life who like to act silly just like I do who can turn around a day when I need it.

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Too Many Complaints (or Trying To Get Back To Being Positive)

Posted on May 16, 2019 | Comments Off on Too Many Complaints (or Trying To Get Back To Being Positive)

Lately I’ve been feeling like I have so many negative things in my life. Whenever someone asks me how I’m doing, I have a list of reasons why things aren’t easy. Sometimes it’s being nauseous, sometimes it’s random pain, and sometimes it the aftermath of things I do to stay healthy. I’m not trying to complain just to complain, I’m being honest. I’ve seen how many people just say that they are fine because they don’t want to seem like they aren’t ok. But for me, I take pride in not hiding when I’m struggling or going through a tough time.

But now, it feels like I’m struggling because I’m struggling and it’s becoming a cycle. I don’t go out of my way to complain or find negative things in my life, but they seem to become the focus without me trying. Even when I’m coming up with things to write about on here, when something in wrong in my life that seems to inspire more than when good things happen.

I know I’ve had this issue before and it usually takes me becoming aware to get out of it. Sometimes I forget that being honest doesn’t have to mean sharing everything or that it can’t include good things. And I do have lots of good things in my life that I know are just as important as any of these bad things. But just knowing it doesn’t necessarily help with getting out of this funk or feeling of negativity. It does help to have something else I can try to focus on, but it doesn’t guarantee that it will happen.

And it doesn’t help with the negative things that I’m struggling with are things that I can’t avoid. If I’m in a bad mood because of something I can change, then I can work toward a better mood by changing it. But I can’t control the pain that I’m in. I am finally almost done with dealing with my back issues and the pain is only happening at random and rare moments. But I’m still worried about doing something that will bring it back so I am still being careful. And the pain I have from the temporary crown isn’t going to necessarily go away until I get the permanent one. I tried to get the appointment for that as soon as possible, but it is dependent on when the lab can complete it so I can’t make it sooner. Neither types of pain are something that I have control over or can change just because I want to. I either have to just be in this struggle or find a new way to look at it to get through it.

I don’t have any answers to that right now. I have figured out ways to work through my hip pain or nausea with a better mindset, but that’s because those things don’t go away. I have to deal with them over and over and there is really no other choice for me but to work through. I’m not always in the best mood when dealing with it, but the constant need to do it has helped. Hopefully my back won’t become a recurring issue and I won’t need a lot of dental work coming up. So I’m not sure if I don’t know how to work through these or if I’m not motivated to do the work because I shouldn’t need it again.

I am focusing on my happiness checklist and making sure that I prioritize doing those activities. I am making sure that any plans I make don’t prevent me from doing things that I know will help my mood and put me into a more positive place. And I know doing those do help, but I’m hoping that they will be helping more and sooner since I want to get out of this funk. I am also trying to do more of those things on my checklist each day even though I know I don’t have to do them all every day. But the more good I can put into my life the better.

Hopefully putting all this in writing will help turn things around for me. Sometimes you do just need to get it out to move on. But if it isn’t enough, at least I know it’s something to work on and eventually I’ll be back to my positive self.

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