Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Another Hard Workout Week (or A Repeat Of The Last Week In More Ways Than One)

In my last workout recap, I mentioned how I was writing it in a different style than I normally do because it was a really hard week for me. I was cautiously optimistic at the end of the post because I know that sometimes when the week before my period is really hard for me the week of my period is a little easier. So I was hoping that would be the case for me this time. But my body decided to mess with me a bit this time and gave me an extra week of nausea before I got my period. So instead of 2 weeks of nausea and pain this month, I got 3 weeks. As I’m writing this recap (the night before it goes up), I’m finally starting to feel a bit better. But all last week was just as bad if not worse than the week before. And that made my workouts suffer again like they did the week before.

I really wasn’t able to do much during all 4 of my workouts this week. For the cardio on all the days, I kept the bike at my base pace level and just worked from there. I did try to pedal faster and slower depending on if we were in a base, push, or all out; but I didn’t adjust the resistance once the entire week. Part of that was due to not having much strength to work harder, but also leaning over to adjust the levels made my nausea really bad. That was a feeling I’m not used to so I didn’t want to push it too much. So cardio became time to just try to keep going and not think too much about it.

On the rower, for most of the workouts had squats between the rowing segments so at least that wasn’t too bad for me. I did modify the squats when they were types of squats I couldn’t do (like jump squats) so I often did froggers or regular squats between my rowing. Most of the days we had short rows which were nice, but one day we did have long rows and I just had to take breaks when I needed them. I don’t like stopping in the middle of a row, but I also know that when I have to do that I just need to or it’s going to get worse. I think it was just extra frustrating because I was expecting this week to be a bit better and it felt like 2 weeks back to back of half-ass workouts for me.

On the floor, I kept my standard modifications for when I’m nauseous with using the bench a lot to help me with plank work. I tried doing heavier weights when I could to make up for what I wasn’t able to do on the bike or the rower, but sometimes even lifting weights would make me nauseous. I was also dealing with much more severe cramps than I usually do and I didn’t want to accidentally drop a weight if a cramp hit me too hard, so I had to be careful. I also tried to add in some stretching between exercises on the floor when I needed them to help with the pain a bit and it at least made me think I was feeling a bit better.

I don’t want to just dwell on all negatives with my workouts because there were some good things too. First of all, I went to my workouts. This past week was one of the more miserable weeks for me with the nausea that I’ve had. And it wasn’t that the nausea was that much worse, it was that I had been dealing with it at this level for so long. People started to think I was sick because my voice was sounding funny, but it was because of how long I had been getting sick and I’m guessing the stomach acid was starting to irritate my throat (it hasn’t done that before). It would have been easy to stay home and sleep in or try to take things easy, but I didn’t do that. I went and kept my normal routine and just tried.

I also continued to work with my new base pace resistance level on the bike. Although I should probably stop calling it new since I’ve been using it for a while now and it seems normal to me at this point. But I still kept using it even with how I was feeling this past week and I didn’t even consider once going down to the level I was using before.

Finally, this past week we also had a benchmark challenge. In Monday’s class we had the 500-meter row. I knew that I wasn’t going to PR on my benchmark, or even come close. I didn’t have any thoughts in my head that I would do that. My main goal was that I wanted to row the entire thing without taking a break. My other goal was that I wanted to see if I could do it in under 2 1/2 minutes. That’s not fast, but it’s under the time we are supposed to be able to do it under. I really didn’t know if I could do that, but I wanted to try. And when it was my group’s turn to do the benchmark, I took a little extra time to take some deep breaths before starting and went for it. I was able to finish just under 2 1/2 minutes and I was thrilled. It wasn’t anywhere near my PR or any times I had done for the benchmark in the past, but it was what I had hoped for considering how I was feeling.

Just like I ended the post last week, I’m hopeful that this week might be a bit easier on me. My nausea is a little better now, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t come back during the week. But I finally know that the end of the nausea for this cycle is coming up and I’m so relieved. I just want to get back to my normal workouts. Although, I have to say these different workout recaps are a bit fun to write so I may start switching up the blog posts a bit.

Almost Giving It A Full Try (or Ending Things Early)

When I had my appointment with my therapist, one of the things that we talked about was a new medication that I was going to start. The medication was being prescribed off-label for me. Normally, it’s for headaches and sometimes for seizures. But it has also been found to have some side effects that work as benefits for people. Specifically, it has been found to cause people to lose weight and lose their appetite. So if I had those side effects, it would be a very successful medication for me.

It is a strong medication and there was no way to know how my body would react. So I had to do a very slow dosage increase over 4 weeks. The plan was that I was going to try this medication for 6 weeks and then I was going to have a phone check-in with my therapist to discuss how I feel and see if I liked how things were going and if the dosage seemed right. 6 weeks seemed like a good trial period to me and I was excited to see how it went.

Immediately, I noticed side effects that were not the ones I wanted. I noticed tingling and numbness in my hands and feet. For some reason, this was bothering me the most when I was rowing in my workouts. It got worse as I increased the dosage but then got better. So I was thinking that maybe I got over the hump of getting used to this medication.

I didn’t talk about any other side effects from this medication other than the tingling feeling because that was the only one that really affected me a lot in my day to day life. But I did have other things that I noticed and I wasn’t sure if they were side effects or not. I was trying to think maybe they were just feelings of stress or being tired because I am dealing with both of those a lot right now. And I wanted this medication to work. While it’s not suppressing my appetite the way I was thinking it would, I am losing some weight. I’m not the incredible shrinking woman, but I am down about 12 pounds in a month which is pretty impressive considering I don’t think I’ve made a huge difference in my food.

But I have realized these other little side effects can’t be ignored anymore. Yesterday, I had the worse bout of vertigo that I could remember. It was terrifying. I was holding to the ground to try to stay still. I couldn’t sit up without falling over. It started when I was sleeping. I woke up and the room was spinning. I tried to sit up and I couldn’t do that. The next thing I knew, I fell out of bed and was on the ground and couldn’t get my head up. I finally was able to get back to bed and sleep some more, but the entire morning I was dealing with vertigo (including in my workout which also was while I was nauseous).

The vertigo got a bit better in the afternoon, but I was still having moments when the room felt like it was spinning around me. I know that anything could have caused this, but I need to take variables out of my life. I already have had other weird issues with this new medication and I don’t want to be paranoid that anything wrong with me is caused by this medication. Right now, that’s the thought I have any time something seems off and I just want to get that variable out.

But because the medication is so strong, I can’t just stop it. I emailed my doctor and we came up with an ease off plan. Fortunately, I can ease off it quicker than I got up to this dose. But I will need to be working on it for 2 weeks before I can stop completely. I don’t know if my side effects will lessen as I lower the dose since most of them started even at the lowest dose, but it would be nice if they were a little easier on me. And I don’t know if when I am off the medication if they side effects will end right away or if they will linger.

I’m a bit disappointed that I didn’t get to give the medication the full 6 weeks that I was planning on, but at the same time, I have to prioritize my health and how I feel. And I just don’t feel right and I don’t think it’s going to get better. It really has only been getting worse and I don’t know if I want to give it more time to try to get better. Maybe if I sucked it up a few more weeks I would be over a hump, but I don’t know if I want to suffer through a few weeks. But I am glad that at least I tried and know I know that it’s just not the right thing for me so I can move on and keep trying other options.

I Hate Having A Hard Workout Week (or Not My Usual Workout Recap)

I normally have a pretty set format for doing these Monday workout recap posts. I do each day as its own recap and I keep things organized. I like having them that way. I only have written these posts a different way once or twice, and this is going to be one of those rare occasions.

I knew going into this workout week that it was going to be the start of my nausea. While the beginning of the week wasn’t that bad for me, I didn’t have the time to do my usual notes on my workout because of how crazy my schedule was. I can look back at some forums that have what the workouts were so I can tell you the basics of what I did, but I don’t remember how I felt or much more than the bare minimum of what I did for the workout. Monday was my usual class with the 2 group class and it was fine. It was nothing extraordinary for me, but it went well.

But Wednesday was when my nausea started and from that point on my workouts suffered. They all had the same issues and it really came down to me just doing what I was able to do. I hate when my nausea gets so bad that it gets to this point, but I am grateful that it’s not this bad every month. This has been one of the rare extreme ones, but when they happen they are pretty brutal.

For my Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday workouts, I had the same plan for the bike. I kept it at my base resistance level and just tried to pedal as much as I could. When the nausea got too much, I stopped and tried to just keep breathing through the nausea until it passed. I’m so lucky that for some reason I don’t throw up when I’m in class. I know that the nausea will pass as long as I wait it out. When the cramps and pain hit, I have to do the same. I take a break and breathe through it. It’s not fun, but it’s the only option I have.

I have a similar plan for rowing. The nausea hits me a different way on the rower. It’s hard to explain the nausea I get on the rower. It’s not worse than what I feel on the bike, just different. It’s almost like a mix of nausea and feeling hungry. But it’s the same plan with having to stop what I’m doing and just having to wait until it passes before I can continue. When the nausea and pain are mild, I can work through it. I only have to stop when it is really bad, but I also think that I have built up my tolerance a bit so maybe I’ll continue to get better at this and I won’t need to take breaks as often.

And on the floor for those 3 days, I tried my best to work hard to make up for what I wasn’t able to do on the bike and rower. If there was something we were supposed to do face down like plank work, I do have to modify it. Typically, that modification is just to use the bench for my hands instead of the floor. Sometimes I have to do something different, but since we do a lot of the same exercises (or the same type of exercises), I’m pretty good and knowing what to do to modify things to make them work for me. But with things that involve weights, I try to go hard when I can. I see that time as something that isn’t affected by my nausea and the moment I can feel like I really am getting my workout in and that I don’t feel so upset about not working hard.

I’ll admit, this past week of workouts was hard to keep my confidence up. There were a lot of things going on (more on that later this week) and I really wanted my workouts to be the escape that they usually feel like to me. But they just were such a struggle for me and I really hated that they felt like a challenge in the wrong way for me. But even with how hard they felt, I never questioned if I should go. Even if I was doing 1% of what I normally do, that’s still 1% more than I would have done if I was sitting on my couch or if I was sleeping in. And I love my routine of going to my workouts and having my days have the same pattern. I am glad that I have found a way to still do something even if it’s not what I am used to.

I’m not sure how this week will go for me. Sometimes when the nausea is really bad in the beginning it can be a bit easier for the rest of the time I usually deal with it. I’m hoping that’s how it goes. But I’m also prepared for it to be just as bad this entire week as well. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

This Is Another Quick Post (or I’m Tired, Burned Out, And Still Blogging)

Sorry that this going to be a super quick post. I have a few things I want to write about, but I honestly don’t have the time right now to blog. I am in the middle of doing multiple election-related projects and those are taking up a lot of my time. It’s exhausting and there are a few things that have to be done in a more roundabout way than I would have liked, but it’s still awesome and I love it. Plus, I am learning so much with both union politics/policies as well as random skill sets. It’s a crash course in lots of different things and it’s a lot.

There’s no question that I’m running on empty right now. I just finished a project for the slate that ended up being a bit more time consuming than we expected but it was worth it in the end. And we learned a lot of lessons from how we got in done in how we can accomplish the same thing next time a lot easier next election cycle. A lot of it has to do with how we prepare different files or how we share things between those of us that create different social media posts or graphics. While this type of work has been done in past election cycles, we are taking things to a new level and it’s amazing to be one of the leaders taking that on.

But because of all that work, I haven’t had time to sit down and so my blogging like I normally do. Most of my blogs this week were prepped before the week started. I hadn’t planned this one out earlier and was hoping something during the week would inspire me. And there was something that did, but I never had the time to sit down and write. I am writing this very late Thursday night when I honestly should be sleeping. I debated about not having a post go out today or having one go out late, but I would rather just get something up than to miss it. This is my commitment to myself and I want to honor it.

And like I’ve said before on here, I take pride in being honest and truthful when I’m not having the best moments. While this time of stress and burnout isn’t necessarily putting me in a bad place, it is causing me to have a hard time with some of the things I want to do. I am stressing out when I try to plan how to I can fit everything into my day. I just want to sit on my couch and nap or watch tv. I will get to do that soon (hopefully tonight), but there wasn’t time for me to do that or to have the time to write the post I wanted to before this post was going to go up.

I know that my schedule will continue to be crazy throughout the month as the election season continues. I’m going to try to work on getting posts ready to go when I do have breaks in my week or over the weekend if I have some downtime. The downtime is limited, but I need to just work hard at taking advantage of it when I can. But for now, I just have to keep pushing along and know that I’m working hard for things that I care very deeply about and hope that it pays off in the end. And that will make all the exhaustion worth it.

Wishing For A Vacation (or Finding My Own Time Off)

I wrote about how I hit burnout recently. I’m getting much better from that low point and I’m glad I’m not feeling how I did when I wrote that post. Weirdly, it’s good that right now I’m experiencing nausea because it forces me to slow down and do a lot of nothing. It’s not really a great break from things since I’m feeling awful, but it does allow me to relax a little bit. And I’ve been trying to take advantage of the downtime that I’m being forced to have.

Since I’m only working one job right now, I do tend to have free time between customers. I’ve been enjoying watching shows that I have been meaning to catch up on or playing lots of random games on my phone. Anything that is a distraction from work has been nice when sometimes I only have 2 or 3 customers to help over a 7-hour shift. I do need another job, but I needed to give myself a break and enjoy a little bit of time that isn’t as crazy as it has been.

And I have been thinking about why I’ve been needing this break and I think I have thought of something. For so much of my life, there have been set breaks in my schedule. When I was in school, there were school breaks in the summer and for different holidays. When I was working at the Broad Stage, we had a little break in the off season. And most people who work full-time jobs get time off so they take vacations or take time off occasionally. But I don’t really have any of that now. Each week is the same as the week before and there isn’t much change for me in the day to day work that I do. Time blends a lot and I don’t have a big event or break to look forward to.

I have been able to take the occasional weekend away and I’m so grateful for those. But it’s been a long time since I’ve had a significant time off of work. And even longer since I’ve had a big trip. I know both of those ideas aren’t a reality for me right now because I can’t afford a trip nor can I afford to be unpaid to take time off. I just have to find my time off in other ways and that’s what I guess I’ve been trying to do with watching shows between my customers.

I wish I could do more with the fake time off I have, but I’m tied to my computer. I guess I could work from somewhere else because I have done that, but there’s nowhere else I really could work from right now that wouldn’t make things a bigger issue. I just have to find how to maximize what I can and it is limited. But at least it’s something and I don’t have to be stuck somewhere miserable every day or have a job that doesn’t allow for any breaks. I’m very lucky with the job I have even if I don’t get time off or vacation time (we basically only get Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Days off).

I know that I’m complaining about things that are not that bad and that many people have it much worse than I do. I think my opinion is a bit skewed because of the lives a lot of my friends live. Many of them make 4 or 5 times what I make and they get paid time off, so they have the ability to travel and I am a bit jealous. I know that if I decided to give up on acting I could probably find a job that pays me significantly more and I could do the same. Right now, acting is still more important than money and travel although I do hope that one day I can have all of it. I am aware of the choice that I made and while right now it’s not making me completely happy it is still making me happier than I would be without acting in my life.

I think that all the random time off stuff I’ve been doing at home has played a bit part in helping me feel more like me as quickly as it has been happening. I have been allowing myself to be selfish and that has allowed me to have some more fun in my life when I probably should be doing more serious things. But sometimes I need that break and it has to be while I’m working since I don’t have a vacation or a complete break from my work.

In Person Therapy (or Changing Some Things Up)

It’s been a while since I’ve gone to see my therapist in person. I’ve had phone check-ins and video chat check-ins since my last in-person appointment and those have been great options. But some rules require that every so often I do have to go to an in-person appointment so that is what I had this week. I’m not sure if it’s a general rule or because one of my medications is a controlled substance, but either way, I was fine with going in.

I had a feeling going into the appointment that it would be a very easy one. With my new therapist, most of the appointment is about my medication and making sure that I am still doing ok with it. We have discussed my mental health from time to time, but we have agreed that my eating disorder is something much bigger than what can be figured out in talk therapy. I’m not holding onto something from my past or using it as a weapon, it’s just something that I have and my goal is to get into recovery. And hopefully, that recovery is soon.

The first part of the appointment was to discuss my dosage of Vyvanse and how I’ve been doing on it. I think I’m at the right dose right now and when I don’t take it on the rare occasion that it happens, I can feel a difference. I still wish it could do more than it does for me, but I also understand that the benefits that I wish it would have are not realistic. It’s not a miracle drug, but it is such a helpful tool for me. And I am so grateful that I am on it because I do know it’s helping.

I also brought up how I am doing the Brain Over Binge online course. My therapist is familiar with the book, but not the online course so I was telling her a little bit about it and what lessons I’ve been learning (which I’ll share on here another time). I think she was proud of me for taking a step beyond what she and I have discussed and she mentioned that she might start recommending the course to other patients of hers that cannot or don’t want to go to weekly classes that are offered through my insurance (I don’t want to do those classes as I have done a very similar thing before and it wasn’t the right thing for me).

The last thing that was discussed at my appointment was a new medication that my doctor mentioned to me when we had our last check-in. I was hesitant at the time because I like to have time to do some research about any new medication I start and make sure I am familiar with the side effects and what I can expect out of it. The medication is called Topamax and it is usually prescribed for seizures or migraine headaches. But there have been some studies that show that it can help with binge eating disorder.

The first way that Topamax can help can be with weight loss. The medication has the side effect of making people lose weight, so that can be a good thing for someone like me. It’s not a miracle cure and will make me drop weight without any effort, but it hopefully can help make any weight loss progress I am making on my own a bit easier and faster. Even though weight loss isn’t the main focus for me right now, I can’t deny that when I lose weight I gain confidence in my eating disorder battle and it helps me continue to try harder. So to know that this could help makes me hopeful.

The medication has also shown to help with controlling impulses which also can relate to eating disorders. This isn’t as common as weight loss, but any possible help I can get is a good thing and I encourage.

Because this is a new medication for me and we have no clue what the proper dosage will be to possibly help me, I will be doing a slow process over the next month or so with increasing the dose as well as changing when I take it. For now. I just take one pill at bedtime and I started on Tuesday night. I am hyperaware right now of anything I feel because I know it can be an unwanted side effect of the Topamax. I’m a bit paranoid too, but I’m just trying to stay alert and aware of how I feel and making notes when I feel anything that seems a bit off. So far, the only thing I experienced was a brief period of a bit of tingling in my hands/arms, but because that only happened once it might be a random thing and not from the medication. I’ll just have to wait and see.

My therapy appointment was so easy and simple this time. I’m sure it sounds like not much happened, but that’s kind of where I am with therapy now. It’s much more about medication management than anything else. And now I have a new medication that gives me some hope that it will help. Maybe that combined with everything else that I’ve been doing will be enough to help tip the scales (no pun intended) in my favor. All I can do is try and hope.

I Tried, I Still Hit Burnout (or Finding Some New Limits)

It was only a few days ago when I wrote about having to not go to plans that I was looking forward to and needing to be selfish so I could prevent burnout. I had hoped that recognizing it when I did would help me not get to the point where I needed a real break and that I could take the time I needed to recover. But of course, plans don’t always go the way you expect and you can’t always help what happens.

After I wrote that post, I had a lot of things that hit me back to back that just got me to a bit of a breaking point. First, we are now experiencing the heat of summer. Things are so much better for me now than they were before since I have my little a/c unit, but they still aren’t perfect. I did finally get over my fear of the cost of a/c since I know the unit I have isn’t as bad as most, so I do run it a lot during the day now without worrying about the cost. I know my power bill will be higher, but it’s worth it. When I have to sit at my computer for a full work shift, my computer starts to get hot and that makes me even warmer than normal. As soon as I am done with work, I go to my room to lay in front of my fan. That helps me recover, but it’s still not easy while I’m working. It’s also affecting my sleep right now, which isn’t helping me recover each night. But I’m doing whatever I can to try to stay cool, including drinking more water than normal which I know has more benefits than just cooling me down.

I also am starting to deal with my monthly pain and nausea. I will say it’s not as bad as it has been recently, but I think the combination of that plus the heat is making it feel worse to me. I’m trying to do all the things I know that help me feel better and most of them are working. The one that I am not doing right now is using a heating pad. I don’t necessarily feel like I need a heating pad right now, but even if I did I don’t know if I could tolerate it with the heat we have right now. I guess I should be grateful that I don’t feel like I need it, but I am just feeling so irritable right now that the pain and nausea are just annoying me.

I think the final thing that made me hit a point of burnout was some work-related stuff that happened. Nothing too horrible happened, but several issues required more time than it should have taken or needed me to repeat the same task multiple times because of random errors that were not able to be fixed by me. It was overwhelming waiting to see if I had to do something over again and waiting on others to fix the mistakes. Just like with my pain and nausea, I don’t know if this would normally bother me, but with it compounding with everything else it just hit me hard. After that, I hit a real low point and just had to have some time to be a hermit at home.

I did take a bit of time to myself yesterday and canceled some plans that I had made for a date (I wasn’t super excited about the date so this was a good excuse to cancel). I stayed home with the a/c on and just watching dumb videos on YouTube or reading. I’m still not feeling totally like myself just yet and I’m being cautious about what I plan. I wanted to not get to this point because I knew recovering from it was going to take time that I don’t have. Unfortunately, due to circumstances out of my control, I got there and now I need to take the time to fix it. I know it could get worse, and I’m doing everything I can to stop that. I have set new limits with myself and with others so I don’t get too overwhelmed. I also keep reminding myself that so much of what I’m dealing with is a temporary situation and will be over soon. That thought does help.

I have some fun things coming up over the next few weeks, but they are more spread out than things were the past few weeks. I’m finding what I can take off of my schedule to allow myself more downtime and more time to mentally and physically recover from things. And I do hope that these efforts I am making will help me get back to the normal me soon. All I can do is try and hope for the best. And maybe having that hope will help make it become a reality.

Working On Self-Care and Taking Time For Myself (or Trying Not To Think Of It As Letting Others Down)

This past Sunday was going to be a very crazy day for me. I knew I had probably too much scheduled, but I had figured out a way to accomplish everything I had to do and wanted to do. I knew it would be hard to do it, but I was determined to make it to everything so I wouldn’t have any regrets that I missed something I had been looking forward to.

I was optimistic that it would be fine to get everything into my schedule and it was crazy how much I prepared. I looked at the locations for everything and planned what would make the most sense with driving to and from everything to make it everywhere on time even if for some of the things I would have to leave early. I even did prep on Saturday with some of the chores I normally do on Sundays to make sure I had that time free and ready for everything else. I went to bed on Saturday night believing that I was going to pull it off and make it everywhere.

Sunday morning did not go as smoothly as I had hoped. And with a few of the things on my schedule being things I had to go to, I had to start dropping some of the things that I wanted to go to. One of those things was a friend’s birthday party. I had already told her that I was going to try my best to make it but that my day was packed. But I still felt guilty when I told her that I wasn’t going to make it because of other things in my day.

I had a union-related event that I had to go to and I am very glad I was there. It was important for me to be there so I could get some information that I needed plus I was able to provide answers to others. And even though I would have enjoyed my friend’s party, I know having the energy and focus at the union event was more important for me to have.

I also had something after that event that I had to get to, but that will be in tomorrow’s post. Driving to and from things was a bit stressful with traffic and I was worried I was going to be late or miss things. I tried to not stress out about things I couldn’t control. Fortunately, even with all the traffic issues I had, I made it to the things I was able to go to on time.

I know that saying no to events is a part of self-care and it’s a thing I struggle with. I never want to feel like I’m letting someone down or disappointing them if they had thought I was going to make it. But I’m also trying to be better about explaining what my time commitments are like right now so my last-minute changes are not as random. With union election work taking up so much of my time, I’m grateful I’m down one job. I do need the money, but I don’t have the time or the energy right now for anything else on my plate. I know this is a temporary thing and my schedule will be back to normal soon, but I did tell people in my life what is going on so they understand why I’m not always making it to things when I used to always make it. I think explaining it ahead of time does help, but my guilt is still the same and I’m working on that.

With my schedule this past Sunday, when I didn’t make it to things it was because I had other things I had to make it to. But I also need to work on turning down things just so I have time to myself. I am noticing some signs of burnout in my life right now and I don’t want to get to the point where I am emotionally and physically exhausted and need a lot of time to recovery. I need to take the little breaks over time to keep myself in balance. And I know taking those breaks will allow me to be there for other people more than if I burn out and need that long break. I just need to keep reminding myself about that when I have that guilty feeling.

I know I will get through this crazy time and I will keep reminding myself that taking time for myself isn’t necessarily selfish. And even if it is, it is ok to be selfish from time to time when it is not harming others. I think this is something that is a common struggle, but it doesn’t make it easier for me to deal with it. I just have to keep working on it and hopefully, it will become more natural for me to do it one day.

A Mid-Point Check In (or Some Slacking and Some Progress)

Since it is halfway through the year, I wanted to do a check in with my goals for 2019. I’ll be doing a separate check in with the goals I have for Orangetheory, this post is just about the personal goals I set for myself this year.

The first goal I have for the year technically is an Orangetheory goal. And that is to do 200 workouts this year. This goal is the one that I was worried the least about. I felt very confident when I set this goal for myself and I still feel confident. I have already done over 100 workouts so I’m making great progress toward this goal. It almost felt like a bit of a cheat goal because I don’t feel like it’s that hard for me to do it. But I am going to 4 workouts a week which I guess can count as hard work. But because that is almost a routine for me, I don’t have to work hard to get my workouts in. I shouldn’t be discounting this goal and making it seem like I’m not trying, but that’s how I feel especially when compared to my other goals.

The next goal I have for this year is to find a new job. When I wrote my goals post, I didn’t have my temporary job that just ended. And that temporary job did pay better than my past few contracts that ran for a full year. So hopefully with some smart budgeting, I should be ok this year. But I want to be better than just ok. I want to feel secure with my money and not have this feeling that I constantly need to find my next job. I know I’ve been slacking on the job hunt because of the hours I put in with the temporary job, but I still would love to have a new job situation before the year is over.

The next goal I have is to reduce recurring spending. This is one I feel like I am making a little progress on. I have canceled all my magazine subscriptions which helped. I was almost done with all the magazines I was getting, but some of them still showed up and I discovered that I had auto-pay set for them. So I made sure to cancel them all and that was one of the specific things I wanted to work on. The other recurring spending has been a bit tough to get rid of, but I’ve been working on finding products that are either reusable or that work for more than one thing so I don’t have to shop as often. And I’m still looking at what I throw out regularly so I can see if there is an alternative to what I’ve been using.

Next, I said I want to work on living a more minimalistic life. This one I’m a bit unsure if I’ve made progress or not on. Some of the things that have helped have been the reusable things I have been buying to help with my spending. And I haven’t done much clothing shopping even though I do plan on doing that and working through the clothes I have. But as far as random clutter, I do think I have gotten better at not buying things and that has helped. But I know that I need to do more work on getting rid of things.

I also want to work on spending my free time in a better way. And this one is still one that I need to really start working on. I have been doing some more productive things between customers like working, but there’s still a lot of time that I spend doing mindless things and I need to work on making this better. I don’t know what I should be doing, but I have been looking into finding some hobbies to help fill my free time. I don’t have a lot of hobbies outside of reading and I’d love to find something that feels a bit creative or leads me to create something physical so I see the end result of my work. But I don’t know what that is yet and I don’t want to do a lot of things that cost money just to figure out what I like.

And the last goal I have for this year is to bring my blog and social media to the next level. This one I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress toward. The only thing that can count a bit is the work I’ve been doing on social media for my union slate because that has helped me learn some new tricks. But I haven’t been applying them to my personal social media much and I do need to work on that. And the blog is still in the same place it has always been and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be ok with that. My motivation to step things up isn’t where it was before and I have other things I’d prefer to put my time and energy toward right now. So I might just give up on this goal until I feel the push to do it again.

Overall, I really wish I was in a better place with the goals I have for this year. I have made progress with some of them, but I feel like I should be further along with most of them. I know that I’ve had a bit of a rough beginning to the year with a lot of things on my plate, but I can’t use that as an excuse for not working toward things that I want to do. I just need to step it up more for this second half of the year so my recap at the end of the year is a bit better.

Grateful For Quick Turnarounds (or Neutral Doesn’t Mean Bad)

I just wrote about how I had my Hot Mess Day on Sunday. It was seriously an epically bad day and I just couldn’t get over how things just seemed to be working against me. I was trying to stay a little positive and try to look on the bright side, but I couldn’t force myself to believe that when I was in the middle of that day. On Sunday I had reached out to friends who told me things would improve as well as getting some messages from readers on here, but even yesterday morning I was still thinking that bad things would be coming my way.

But yesterday day I had a moment of clarity. For some reason, I was still living in the negativity of that bad day. Nothing too bad happened to me on Monday or Tuesday. I was dealing with pain and nausea, but nothing else beyond that. Those days were pretty neutral. But because nothing good was happening either, I think I was still in the mindset that they were still bad days. But when I was thinking yesterday about things, I realized that I was thinking that way and I had to snap out of it.

A neutral day does not mean I’m still in the middle of the bad days. That means that my bad day was over and I’m just not having a good day. I had to remind myself that when I usually don’t. But I think that’s because of how bad Sunday was for me. While I normally can get back to a better mindset quickly, this time I had to make a bit of an effort and take a few steps to get there. But I did get there and I’m feeling much better.

It also helps that some of the physical things are getting better. I really thought I had a significant injury to my ankle. I don’t know if it wasn’t as bad as I thought or all the things I did to make it better helped, but it’s almost back to normal. I still have a little bit of pain and tenderness sometimes while walking, especially when I get up from a chair or out of bed, but the swelling is down and it doesn’t look bruised as it did before. I was expecting to be limping and struggle all week, as well as possibly still have pain next week. It was a nice surprise when that didn’t happen. I’m still being careful and cautious so I don’t reinjure it, but at least my week isn’t being affected by it.

And my pain and nausea have been getting better each day this week. I have joked that there is a certain amount of nausea I have to experience each cycle. Sometimes it’s mild nausea for more days and sometimes it’s extreme nausea for only a few days. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s really what it feels like for me. And this cycle, it seems like I had extreme nausea for a few days scenario. I still have a little bit of nausea left, but when I have gotten used to such horrible days the mild ones aren’t as bad. Plus, the mild days seem to be able to be reduced further by medication when the extreme days seem to not be helped by medication at all. Again, I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s what seems to be happening with me.

After my realization on Wednesday, I really tried to find the positives that I had over the past few days. That’s what inspired this post. I needed to remind myself that there are good things happening to me and even if there aren’t, neutral things aren’t bad. I’m sure there will be other days in my future that are like my Hot Mess Day where I can’t snap out of it like I can with a normal bad day. Hopefully I will remember what I learned yesterday about neutral days being ok and have the same turnaround that I was able to have this time.

I also just wanted to thank those of you who reached out to me. Sometimes writing these posts feel like I’m writing into a void and I don’t think about someone else reading what I wrote. I knew when I wrote that post that I was going to be ok, but I know that it didn’t necessarily read that way. I am humbled that some of you reached out to me to check in to make sure I was fine. It’s just another positive thing I have to remember when I have bad days. There are people who do care about me and will reach out to me even if I don’t directly reach out to them.