Category Archives: Tough Stuff

Trying To Make The Debates More Fun To Watch (or Group Chats Make Things Better)

Posted on October 2, 2020 | Comments Off on Trying To Make The Debates More Fun To Watch (or Group Chats Make Things Better)

I’ve been more and more involved in politics as I’ve gotten older. Part of it is that I’m more educated about politics and how things can affect me and how my vote can really change things. And part of it is that we live in a time now where it’s difficult to not be involved unless you are really making an effort to ignore what’s happening in the world. I know there are more things that I could be doing and I’m trying to figure out ways to be involved that will work with my schedule no matter what happens. I am working on getting approved to write postcards for future elections. I just need to work on my handwriting a bit more because I have such sloppy handwriting (even after working on it before).

Because this year is the year we have nothing but time, I’ve been able to watch more political events online than I normally would. I don’t know if I’ve ever watched the Republican Convention before, but this year I did. It also helped that the Convention was a short prime-time tv event and not something going on all day. I also watched the Democrat Convention, but that’s something I normally watch at least a little. And this year, I did my watching a little differently.

Normally, I watch on tv since it’s on every single tv channel. I usually also live-tweet because I have thoughts I want to get out. But this time, I actually watched through YouTube. Crooked Media has a lot of podcasts that I love. And for events like the conventions and debates, they stream the event through YouTube on half of the screen and they have a group chat from their Slack account on the other. The people in Slack are all very involved in politics. Many worked for past candidates or administrations. They are really informed about the issues and can almost do live fact-checking (although they aren’t fact-checking like some news outlets do with checking every statement). It’s a great way to watch and to be a bit entertained and learn as well.

For the conventions, I not only watched through Crooked Media and enjoyed their chat, but I also had my own chat going too. Some of the women from Movie Club wanted to chat during the conventions, so we started a new message group to do that in (we didn’t want to clutter up the Movie Club message group). Watching with them helped keep things entertaining, just like Crooked Media did.

So before the debate, I messaged the separate group to see if they wanted to have a chat going during the debate as well. Everyone did, and we had a few other group members from Movie Club who wanted to be in it too. We had a nice sized group of people who all are very vocal about politics. So before the debate started, I got YouTube up on my tv and my phone in my hand with the message group open.

And I am so glad I had both the Crooked Media Slack to watch and my message group. I think everyone agrees that the debate was not good. It was so difficult to watch. I support Biden, but I’m not going to say he was perfect. I think he did a great job considering how often he was interrupted. It was not easy for him to get a point across because Trump was interjecting so much. And the questions didn’t seem to be ones that would push both Trump and Biden to answer with specific policy ideas. I know Biden tried to change his answer so he could include policy information, but it was so hard to hear what he wanted to say when he couldn’t speak without having to stop and start a lot.

All of us in my message group (and everyone in the Slack) seemed to be just as frustrated while watching as I was. This wasn’t a debate. I don’t know what to call it. A yelling match? A waste of time? It wasn’t what we wanted out of a debate and not what citizens deserved when listening to a current president and possible future president.

I could go into detail about a lot of things that made me mad, but I think the biggest two were things that seemed to anger so many people. The first was Trump talking about Biden’s children and trying to say some horrible things about them. Having a drug addiction isn’t good, but it’s something that so many people struggle with. Saying that having a drug addiction makes you a horrible person is not right in my opinion. Saying drug addiction is horrible would be better. Fortunately, Biden was able to say that while his son had a drug problem, he overcame it and he was proud of him. That’s an important thing for people struggling to hear. I also didn’t like how Trump was talking about one of Biden’s sons and when he didn’t get the response he wanted he switched to talking about his other son. Trump and his supporters have said many times that politician’s children should be considered off-limits. I know there is a difference between a minor and an adult. But also, this debate had nothing to do with their children. Biden did not mention many of the things Trump’s children have gotten in legal trouble for.

But what made me so mad (and it seems made most of the country mad) was that Trump would not condemn white supremacists. He was given a very clear chance to do so and claimed that he would. But he wouldn’t do that. He did tell a group to stand back and stand by and that group is now using that statement as a sign that they need to be ready to go (the idea of standing by is making them think they need to be in the streets soon). When a Republican commentator was asked about why Trump wouldn’t clearly say he was against white supremacists, the commentator said that Trump does not want to say he was against his supporters. Even FOX News hosts were saying that it was such an easy thing for Trump to do and they don’t know why he didn’t condemn such an evil group that has so much hatred. I don’t want to believe that Trump really approves of what white supremacists and other hate groups do, but it’s hard to say he’s against it when he can’t say he’s against it. And the day after the debate, he claimed he didn’t know anything about a group that he called out and said he didn’t know their actions. So if he didn’t know who this group was (which I don’t believe but I’m going with that idea), why would he say he condemns their actions when he doesn’t know what they do?

Honestly, this debate left me feeling so sad and hopeless about things. My friends in our message group felt the same way and we were all trying to cheer each other up. What we can be hopeful about is that so many people seem to be upset with what Trump did and they do not agree with how he has been handling this pandemic. I know that we might still be dealing with COVID no matter who the president was. But I wish we had a national response 6 months ago. I wish we had a leader who accepted the tests when they were offered to us instead of taking the time to create new ones. I wish we had someone in charge who was encouraging people to wear masks. So many doctors are saying that if we just wore masks that we would be at a fraction of the cases. I have known too many people who know someone who died. I have had too many friends get sick and I have worried that they would not make it. Even though all my friends have gotten better, we have no clue what the long-term effects will be on their health. I wish we weren’t dealing with policies state by state because until we have a vaccine (which looks like it will be in maybe 6 more months), we might not be able to get a handle on this like other countries have done.

Even with how upsetting it was to watch this debate, I am still going to watch the other debates. I’ll be doing it with my friends in a message group and the Slack conversation on my tv. I just hope that whatever changes the debate organization makes will allow it to be much more civil and both Trump and Biden can announce all their policies (although Trump seems very hesitant to announce any policies like what his new healthcare plan would be even when he is given the chance).

We are a month away from this election being done. If you are going to vote in person, see if you can do so before Election Day. Lines will likely be long on Election Day so voting early is a great way to avoid that. Also, voting by mail is an option. I always vote by mail (I usually can’t get the time off I need to vote and I don’t have the ability to take a day off work to wait in line if I need to take a few hours). It’s safe and voter fraud is very very low. If you don’t want to mail your ballot back, many states have boxes you can drop your ballots in near polling places. I recommend looking online at your options and picking which way will be best for you. But please vote no matter what.

And to end this on a positive note, this video made me smile. Yes, the debate was depressing, but at least this funny song was created from it.

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Getting Back On Track (or Another Continuation Of A Monthly Challenge)

Posted on October 1, 2020 | Comments Off on Getting Back On Track (or Another Continuation Of A Monthly Challenge)

For September, I challenged myself to get back on track. I’ve done a lot of variations of this challenge since the pandemic started. It’s been hard to get back to good habits when my world is not the way I’m used to. It’s hard to have a schedule when you don’t have things to schedule around. I tried to find a way to get things to feel a bit more stable, but I kept struggling.

And just like every other attempt at this challenge, I feel like I made some progress but I didn’t fully succeed. But I do feel like I made more moves forward than I have before, and that’s something I’m proud of. I think it did help that I had 3 things that I really focused on and I had some clear ideas of what I wanted to do. I focused on my sleep, my workouts, and my food.

For my sleep, I’m not quite back to my regular sleep schedule. But I’m getting closer. I am still staying up a bit later than I would like to, especially when I know I could sleep in if I wanted to the next day. I’m really trying to get back to my regular schedule where I don’t sleep in. There’s really nothing happening now that I need to stay up for. I just don’t go to bed on time. I’ve been getting much better at getting in bed before midnight (I want to get it closer to being in bed by 11:30 or maybe a little earlier). And while I do read in bed before I go to sleep, as long as I’m in bed by that time I usually do ok with my sleep. I had occasional nights where I was up until 1 or 2, and I felt really miserable the next day. I think that I just need to keep working toward going to bed earlier and I’ll be back to my schedule soon.

My workouts also are feeling a bit more on track. I’m having setbacks and my bad weeks are really tough on me. But having weights really has helped me feel like my workouts are closer to what I used to do when I went to the classes in person. I’m feeling sore, which is a good feeling to me (I still can’t believe I like feeling sore) and I know that I’m getting some of my strength back. I’ve been lucky that I haven’t struggled to keep up with my workout schedule because that would have been really hard to fix. But having half-ass workouts has been a bit of a struggle too and I feel much better about how my workouts are going after this past month.

Getting my food back on track was harder for me. This is something that is so hard for me even in normal times. But doing it during a pandemic when I’ve had so many setbacks is even harder. But I still had some good things happen. I’ve been more mindful of what I already have when I make my grocery list. I try to limit how often I get groceries delivered. I’ve tried to not order in as much from different restaurants because I know I always have something I could eat at home when I do that (it just might not be as tasty or what I’m craving).

And getting my food back on track fits in with my challenge for this month. I want to work on finding some more easy and lazy recipes this month. By easy and lazy recipes, I mean things I can put together with almost no effort and with things that I either usually have in my house or have ingredients that are easy to get. I don’t have a lot of these recipes right now in my life. I would say making a turkey burger or veggie burger and steaming veggies is one of them. Another is roasting some potatoes and onions and then putting an egg on top of it (sometimes I add cheese too). Those are super easy for me to make and I don’t have to think too much about it when I’m making them. I also have minimal clean up when I make them.

I know having more recipes like those will help me continue to make progress with getting my food back on track. I don’t think I will ever be someone who wants to cook every night (although that is a challenge I’m considering), but I’d love to cook from scratch a majority of the time. If I eat a frozen dinner once or twice a week and have things I made the other nights, I would consider that a huge step forward. But in order for me to have that happen, I know I need to find more lazy recipes. That’s the only way I can see that idea sustainable.

Hopefully, I’ll find some great recipes that I will want to make over and over again. And if I don’t, I’m still hoping that this challenge makes me cook more and gets me to a better place with my food. The only way I see myself failing this challenge is to not try. And I know that is possible, but I’m really hoping I don’t allow myself to do that.

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More Weird Things About Isolation (or Just Trying To Be Aware)

Posted on September 24, 2020 | Comments Off on More Weird Things About Isolation (or Just Trying To Be Aware)

I’m learning a lot about myself the longer we are all isolating from each other. I never knew how much I needed physical touch until I didn’t have it. I never considered myself a very touchy-feely person, but the more I think about it the more that I am. I’m used to hugging friends, getting high fives in workouts, going on dates, and just being around other people. I think a lot of people who used to say they would love to be alone more often are realizing that alone time isn’t what they want if they don’t have the balance of being out with people.

I’m also learning a lot about my mental health and mental well-being. I’ve realized how being isolated makes a lot of things worse for me. It’s almost like the time before I was open about my eating disorder. When things are secretive, they can be worse or you can obsess about them more. I think when things are not secretive but you aren’t around other people and have to be aware, it’s almost the same thing. I’m not keeping things secretive about my life and my struggles, but it feels like that because I’m alone with everything and nobody is there to help keep me accountable. I don’t need someone to babysit me and monitor me, but knowing that I’m going out to eat with a friend helps me keep my food under control for the day because I want to enjoy that meal out. I don’t love scales, but I do try to weigh myself. But more often than the number on the scale, I use clothes to help keep me accountable. When you are wearing all stretchy clothes and workout stuff, you don’t notice when your clothes feel different.

But the newer thing I’m learning about myself is how some things I thought I had under control can flare up again when I’m not living my normal life. I was diagnosed with mild OCD a long time ago. It’s never been that bad, but there were moments where it was almost impossible for me to move on until I did something “right”. Sometimes that right thing was checking my alarm clock until it felt like it was the perfect way to confirm it was going to go off in the morning. Sometimes it was having to move something in my house because I couldn’t focus on anything else until I did that. It never affected my life too much, but it was an inconvenience. I never did anything specific to treat my OCD, but it has faded away in the past few years and I can’t remember the last time it was triggered.

Or at least, I can’t remember the last thing before the pandemic. I don’t exactly know when my OCD started to come back because I wasn’t used to experiencing it for a long time. But recently, I’ve been noticing things that are clearly OCD moments. But they are things I have done for a little while, so I don’t know if I started doing them a month ago or 5 months ago. They aren’t anything too bad. Mainly making sure things are in a specific order in my house or that I do things in a certain routine. Nothing that is a big distraction from my life, but it is something I want to be aware of because I know it can get worse and I don’t want to get there.

I also know that my anxiety is worse now than it’s been in a long time, but that’s something that seems normal. If I wasn’t anxious, I would be avoiding reality. Even my therapist agrees that having a higher base level of anxiety isn’t something to worry about these days. I’m not treating it with medication because I want to work through it, but I know if it gets worse that I can start medications again. But I feel certain that the anxiety is more about the current situation in the world and not something more than that.

I’m hoping my OCD is also just because of the state of the world. But I am tracking things and taking notes in case I see it getting much worse or if it continues after things seem like they are more normal again. I’m not necessarily worried about myself, but I just want to be aware and alert so that I don’t ignore symptoms and signs if I see them.

Hopefully, things will continue to get better with the pandemic (finally it seems like the numbers here are going down) and soon I will be able to have some more things in my life that feel normal. And once I have those back, maybe my mental health will also go back to how it was before and these will just be minor blips in my life.

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I Guess This Is The Risk With Getting So Many Deliveries (or Thank Goodness For Good Customer Service)

Posted on September 18, 2020 | Comments Off on I Guess This Is The Risk With Getting So Many Deliveries (or Thank Goodness For Good Customer Service)

Almost everything I need these days is being delivered to me. I rarely go to a store to get things. I get clothing delivered, random stuff for my house delivered, essential stuff delivered, and groceries delivered. I don’t love how much I’m relying on delivery services right now, but that’s how life is these days. I try to limit how often I get deliveries or to make sure I do things together (like using Amazon Delivery Day to get all my Amazon stuff on the same day, even if that means I don’t get them as quickly).

I used to do plenty of delivery stuff before. I mean I love Amazon Prime and how easy it is to get stuff (I’m trying to make sure I only get things I need and that I can’t get at other places for similar prices). And shopping online for clothes is so much better than going to stores. A lot of stores only include plus sizes online, so I don’t even have the opportunity to shop in the store.

And for all the deliveries I’ve gotten over the years, I’ve been very lucky with not having things stolen. I think I’ve only had a package stolen once or twice in my life. This is partially due to me always being home so I grab things off of my doorstep as soon as they arrive. But even when I didn’t work at home, things weren’t stolen as often as they were for some of my friends. Perhaps the location of my front door helps because most people wouldn’t walk up my driveway to look at each house.

Most deliveries will tell you what day to expect them to arrive and it’s a mystery what time it will be dropped off. But not grocery deliveries. I typically am given a 2-hour window to expect them. And you get a tracking link so you can watch the truck as it’s driving to you. That way, if you have things that need to be refrigerated or frozen, you can get the bags right away and the food won’t go bad. There has been a time or two that the tracking link didn’t make it to me, but the delivery person has always rung the doorbell so I know that they arrived. Plus, I get an alert on my Ring that someone is at my door.

I was supposed to have groceries delivered on Wednesday. I knew the 2-hour window they were supposed to arrive and I knew I would be at home (not like I can really go anywhere else). It was almost the end of the delivery window and I still hadn’t gotten the tracking information. I checked in front and behind my house and didn’t see groceries anywhere. So I contacted the customer service to see what was going on.

According to them, my groceries had been delivered right at the beginning of the delivery window. There was a photo showing them near my house, but I never got a notification that there was anyone at my door or that the groceries arrived. And I guess someone took them from my door before I checked about 90 minutes after the delivery.

Nothing I ordered was that urgent or essential. It was a few ingredients I needed for something I wanted to make this weekend, some snacks, and some sparkling water. Nothing fancy. Nothing I would think someone would want to steal. But I guess someone was either desperate for groceries or didn’t look in the bags before they stole them because they were gone.

The customer service person I was speaking to was really working with me to figure out what happened. She described the picture of the delivery (I was unable to see it), and it was very obviously my house from the description she gave. But there was no reason why I didn’t get a tracking link so I could watch the delivery progress and it was clear that I didn’t have my groceries.

I said I would be fine with either a refund or redelivery. I felt bad asking for them because I feel like it was partially my fault I didn’t know my groceries had been delivered. But then again, I had no way to know. Fortunately, it was really simple to get them redelivered and I did get my groceries yesterday. I made sure to be sitting by my door during the delivery window so that I didn’t miss them arriving.

I know I’m lucky that this is a very rare occurrence for me and it was resolved quickly and easily. I’m privileged that I haven’t had things stolen from the front door that I really needed. I couldn’t imagine if this was a prescription delivery or if I actually needed the food that night. It sucks that people do this, but I’m glad that it’s not that often.

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6 Months In (or I Want To Hope We Aren’t Doing This For 6 More Months)

Posted on September 15, 2020 | Comments Off on 6 Months In (or I Want To Hope We Aren’t Doing This For 6 More Months)

6 months ago, everything seemed to have changed. The pandemic really changed how life is for so many of us. That was when the old normal ended. I stopped seeing friends, going out, doing things around others, and I started being nervous whenever I had to leave my house. At that time, so many of us thought this was just going to last a month or so. I don’t think any of us believed that 6 months later, we’d still be in the same situation.

I know that there are some states that never really shut down like California did and many have reopened more than we have. But as far as things in LA and California go, we’ve been doing this for 6 months. I know there are some people that are going out with others and taking risks that most of us wouldn’t, but most of the people I know are staying home and staying isolated almost all the time.

I have had a few times I’ve seen people either from a distance or after I have isolated. I’m in the middle of another 2-week quarantine so I can see my family soon. I’ve seen so few people in the last 6 months, I honestly can’t think about it too much or I get really upset.

6 months of no Orangetheory workouts in person. I know that it’s for the best, but it’s so sad and it’s a huge thing that I miss all the time. 6 months of no restaurant meals with friends (except for my birthday socially distant picnic). 6 months of no movies in a movie theater but I have watched a ton of movies on Netflix Party. 6 months of no dates except for phone and virtual dates. In 6 months, I think I have done grocery shopping in person under 10 times (grocery delivery may always be a part of my life now as I’m finding it helpful for managing binges).

Things do seem to be getting better, but I’m worried that they aren’t going to stay better for long. More and more people are going out, even when the guidelines say not to do it. We saw a big spike in cases after people went out for Memorial Day, and I know we are still waiting to see what happened after Labor Day. And even if they are getting better, I don’t know how many risks I want to take. I hate that I’ve gotten so scared to be outside of my house, but that’s the point I’ve gotten to now.

And being 6 months in makes me wonder if we will have to do this for another 6 months. It seems crazy to even think that, but 6 more months would get us to March. With people saying a vaccine might not be until the end of the year, guessing that we will have to do this until March doesn’t seem that crazy. If a vaccine is approved in December, it will take several months for everyone to get it. I don’t want to think about having to do this for another 6 months because I have gotten so lonely already. I feel like I’ve lost time and had so many setbacks and I don’t want to see more time and progress slip away. I’m trying to not be upset over something I don’t know will happen and that I can’t control, but it’s not easy. I’m so tired of dealing with this and sometimes feeling like I’m the only one doing it.

6 months ago, I had no idea what I was in for. I knew that things had changed, but I really clung to the idea that my life would be back to normal before I knew it. Now, it seems like my old life is so long ago and far from where I am now. I don’t know if or when I’ll ever be back to it. All I can do is continue to do what I need to stay safe and healthy and try to be optimistic that I will be able to enjoy some of the things I miss again in the future.

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Things Feel Like They Are Too Much (or Being Informed Might Not Be The Best For Me)

Posted on September 11, 2020 | Comments Off on Things Feel Like They Are Too Much (or Being Informed Might Not Be The Best For Me)

There is no question that things are overwhelming right now. I think it was overwhelming enough when we just had the election. Then add the pandemic, massive job losses, the Black Lives Matter movement, police brutality, racial discrimination, concerns over the availability of food and supplies, misleading news, national disasters, and everything else going on in the world. It’s so hard to find good news these days with all the bad news we are hearing. And while I know it’s a good thing to be informed and to know what is happening in the world, it also isn’t always the best thing.

We have an endless supply of news between the 24-hour news channels, online news, and social media. When we are busy with other things happening in our lives like work and going out, we don’t have as much time to see all the news that never ends. But now, most of us have very little to do each day. I try to stay busy, but some of that busy time is scrolling through social media and then I see all the news as it’s happening. And then sometimes if I see a tweet or a post about something I don’t know about, then I go down a rabbit hole of learning more about it.

There needs to be a balance in my life of staying informed but not being overwhelmed. I know I’ve struggled to find this balance so many times in the past. But it feels so much harder now that I don’t have other things taking up my time. I’ve been trying to take steps to work on this a lot lately. The biggest step I’ve taken is to do daily breaks from my phone. I will put my phone down, turn off notifications, and sit in a different area to read or do something else. I don’t do this too long each time since there are some things I do that are time-sensitive for the little bit of work that I have now, but I can take 15-20 minute breaks a few times a day.

I have found these breaks to be helpful and have been calming me down a bit. I do have some anxiety from not being next to my phone (which is a different issue that I know many of us have), but the positive effects of doing this have easily outweighed the bad. When I take these breaks, I also usually am doing something that distracts me from my phone like watching some tv or reading a book. I know that while you are doing something else you aren’t always looking at your phone, and I typically don’t while reading. But when I’m reading, I have taken time out to scroll through my phone even though I don’t need to. And when I’m watching tv, I’m also usually on my phone doing something too. There are some shows that do get my full attention, but these days I’m watching a lot of random stuff I don’t focus on too much. And while multi-tasking can be a good thing, it’s not necessary for me to do and it’s not helping me.

I know I can’t ignore the news completely because I do like being informed and trying to use my voice and platform to raise voices that need to be heard. I want to be an activist for causes I’m passionate about. I might not be an activist the same way that others are, but I know that I’m taking steps to do what I feel like I can do and handle. I don’t feel comfortable going to protests for a few reasons, but that doesn’t mean I can’t support them or use social media to share my message and what others are saying.

I doubt the news is going to be any less overwhelming for a while. Even if natural disasters aren’t in the news, there are so many other things that will only be intensifying. The closer we get to the election, the more news I know we will be hearing. And after the election, I expect things will still be tough. I need to be mentally prepared for that. And part of that preparation is realizing that sometimes I don’t have to be reading as much news every day to stay informed.

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Being Ok With Being Bored (or This Is Harder Than I Thought)

Posted on September 9, 2020 | Comments Off on Being Ok With Being Bored (or This Is Harder Than I Thought)

I remember years ago hearing someone say something like “only uninteresting people get bored”. At the time, that made so much sense to me. If you were bored, it was because you couldn’t think of something to do. And even if I had brief moments of boredom, I always knew that it was because I was choosing to not do something interesting. My boredom was always a choice and I knew that I could make a change to fix that. I wasn’t always motivated to make that change, so I accepted being bored and that maybe I was having a moment of not being an interesting person.

I really believed that idea for so long, until this year. Now, boredom is a pretty regular part of my life. I rarely have a day where I am not bored. I am not always bored all day, but sometimes that happens. There are only so many things I can watch or read. I have tried to find new games to play online on my computer or phone, but I’m getting sick of some of those already. Being bored with reading was something I never thought could happen to me. Reading is something that brings me the most joy in my life. I love getting lost in a good book. And there have been some books lately that have made me feel that way. But when I’m going through 4-5 books in a week, they start to blend together and don’t spark my imagination the way they used to.

And I know I’m not alone in this one, but I’m even getting bored with watching things on various streaming services. Again, there are occasional things that get me excited to watch them and I have a great time watching a movie or going through a series. But there are so many things I’ve watched lately and not everything is that interesting. I am trying to find a tv series that I might have missed before that I could binge-watch now. And I have found a few. But because I have nothing happening all day long, it doesn’t take a lot of time to get through a series, even if there are 3 or 4 seasons.

Even when I have been bored in the past, I have always been surprised by how hard it is mentally when you are bored. And this level of boredom is a new level and it’s really a struggle at times. I have tried so hard to find things to keep me busy and life interesting, but there is a limit to what I can do. I don’t know if anyone before would have said that it is so hard to be bored all day because it seems silly to complain about that. Even now, I feel weird complaining about how bored I am. I know that so many people have it harder than I do. There are people working themselves crazy with their jobs and being stressed that they might be putting their lives at risk. I bet most of my friends with kids would love to be bored for a day because their kids are driving them nuts. But just like with other things I’ve learned since the pandemic started, just because other people have different struggles doesn’t mean that mine aren’t important too.

I’m hoping that soon I’ll figure out something else to make life a bit more interesting for me so I don’t feel as bored as often. But if that doesn’t happen, I know I can survive through boredom and I’ll be ok. I just have to make it through this time and eventually, things will be better.

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Default ThumbnailFeeling Like I Have Nothing To Say (or I Can’t Let This Isolate Me More) Default ThumbnailOver-scheduled and Bored (or Why Can’t I Find A Happy Medium) Default ThumbnailHitting Some Writer’s Block (or This Is What I Thought Would Happen) Default ThumbnailTrying To Maintain My Strength (or Noticing I Need To Work Harder) Default ThumbnailFinishing Up At The Dentist (or This Is Even Harder When You Feel Bad) Default ThumbnailThis Month Hasn’t Quite Gone The Way I Thought It Would (or Just Being Honest)

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An At-Home Labor Day (or The Unofficial End To A Weird Summer)

Posted on September 8, 2020 | Comments Off on An At-Home Labor Day (or The Unofficial End To A Weird Summer)

I think most people will agree that Labor Day is the unofficial end to summer. Some schools don’t start until after Labor Day, but I think most start before now. But even with school starting before Labor Day, the long weekend still seems to designate the end of summer for so many people. I think the 3 summer holidays are the markers for summer. Memorial Day is the start, the 4th of July is the middle, and Labor Day is the end.

Even though LA is experiencing the worst heat wave that I can remember, it does feel like we are out of summer and heading into fall. But at the same time, I don’t feel like we had a summer at all. I know there were people who went out and did more things than I did, but so many things that are summer traditions in LA didn’t happen this year. There were no shows at the Hollywood Bowl. Beaches were closed for a lot of the summer, and when they reopened things weren’t really the same. Most restaurants were closed for the summer. And even though it’s safe to do things outside, most outside things that would have a crowd didn’t open. In a way, it doesn’t feel like this summer existed.

I’ve been feeling this way for a while. We are almost 6 months into being told to stay at home and it doesn’t feel like time has moved. I feel like my life has been frozen in time since March. I do feel like others have moved on and I’m the only one stuck, but I know that’s just what I’m seeing on social media. Most of us staying home aren’t posting about it. The few who are not staying home are the ones posting. So the posts I see are from the small portion of the people that I follow who aren’t staying inside.

I know that having a summer spent inside my house was for the best. I have been very lucky with not getting sick or even worried that I could get sick. I didn’t have any moments where I got the call that I was around someone who tested positive. I know a lot of people who weren’t as lucky as me. I have so many friends who tested positive, even if they thought they were doing all the right things such as wearing a mask and only leaving their homes for essential errands. I know people who have died. I know more people who know someone who died. I’m glad I took this seriously even if I feel like I lost my summer.

Labor Day was spent pretty much like any other day the past 6 months. I stayed home. I tried to keep myself busy. I found things to do so the day didn’t drag on too much. And because Labor Day is all about unions and workers’ rights, I took some time to be grateful for my union and all the benefits we have in this country because of what unions have gained for everyone (like 40 hour work weeks and weekends off). 3 day weekends don’t mean much to me normally since I have Mondays off work. It means even less to me now that I’m really not working at all. But I am still going to appreciate what the day means and that’s what I did. And I tried to not be too upset that now it feels like the summer ended and that I didn’t get to experience it at all.

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Dealing With Heat And Humidity (or I’m Very Lucky The Pandemic Didn’t Happen A Few Years Ago)

Posted on August 25, 2020 | Comments Off on Dealing With Heat And Humidity (or I’m Very Lucky The Pandemic Didn’t Happen A Few Years Ago)

Every summer, LA has at least 1 heatwave. Lately, it’s been a heatwave that also is muggy weather. We don’t have humidity like a lot of the country does, but it gets a lot muggier than normal (for example, the past week or so has been 70% humidity). It’s not comfortable weather to be outside in. Fortunately, right now I’m not doing a lot outside. I’m staying home as much as I can and only leaving on a rare occasion. Most of those times going out of my house is to run an errand (like this week I need to get a prescription at the hospital that can’t be mailed). I’ve only had a few fun outings in the past 5 or so months.

I am glad I’m not outside working or doing anything too crazy. I know this weather makes me pretty miserable. My body hates it a lot too. I’m going back and forth on if I’m happy that I’m pretty much stuck at home and going out isn’t really an option. I do wish that I could go out to do some things because in a normal heatwave I usually go to a few places that have a/c. Like going to the studio to do my workouts. I miss that so much, and I miss it more and more as time passes. They have a/c during the workouts so going out to do that is always easy. Same with going out to dinner at a restaurant. Even sitting outside is sometimes not as hot as the normal weather because you have some of the a/c from inside coming out to a patio.

I’m lucky while dealing with this weather. For a long time, I didn’t have a/c in my house. I only got it a few years ago. And that was a game-changer for me. My house likes to hold in heat, and even when it was cool (and not muggy) outside in the summer, my house didn’t like to cool down. There were so many nights I went to bed and inside my house, it was 90 degrees. And working from home during the summer was miserable. I had a lot of fans going, I would be sitting on ice packs, and I still would feel sick from how hot it was. There were days where I know it was over 100 degrees inside, and one time I remember it was about 110 while I was working inside my house.

My a/c doesn’t work as well as central air would or if I had a/c in more rooms. It does make a huge difference but there are still several nights I go to bed and my bedroom is 85 degrees. But I know it would be so much worse without it. And even when it’s not super hot, with the mugginess the a/c does an amazing job with make things more comfortable inside. I know I could get a dehumidifier, but I also don’t need to get a new thing in my house. 75 degrees with 70 humidity feels a lot worse than 77 degrees with significantly less humidity. So I will run my a/c to get the mugginess out of the house.

Even though I normally am home a lot, I have never run my a/c quite this much. I am a little worried about how my electricity bill will look next time, but I also know that I’m not doing this for silly reasons. I do try to turn it off when I can. I have started to sleep with the a/c on (which is something I used to never do) because I was waking up and it would be almost 90 degrees in my house. My house just has the weirdest insulation that makes it retain heat like no other place I have lived.

But I am grateful for the little a/c unit. I can’t imagine being stuck at home without a/c. I don’t know how my neighbors do it. Maybe they aren’t as sensitive to the heat as I am. But I feel like if I’m going to be stuck at home, I at least want to be comfortable. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.

I hope that we aren’t still struggling to overcome this pandemic as much when it’s winter, but I do know I can deal with the cold a lot more than I can deal with the heat. But I hope that when the weather cools down and it’s nicer to be outside that I can be outside a bit more and do some things outside of the walls of my home.

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Trying To Not Let My Stress Get To Me (or Continuing To Find Ways To Cope With Isolation)

Posted on August 14, 2020 | Comments Off on Trying To Not Let My Stress Get To Me (or Continuing To Find Ways To Cope With Isolation)

I feel like I keep repeating myself with how hard it is to be isolated. I’m 5 months into this and I’ve probably seen friends/family only 5 times since then. Even though I’m not the most social person, I need more social time than just once a month. I am trying to use this time to understand how my personal mix of being an introvert and extrovert works. But I’m done with that experiment in my mind and I’m ready to apply what I’ve learned.

I want to go out and do more, but I’m so terrified of getting sick. I’m stuck in this weird space of not wanting to put my life on hold but also not wanting to risk my life. I have had friends get sick and are still dealing with health issues months later. I have friends who have lost friends, family, and significant others. This is a serious virus and it should not be taken lightly. And for a while, I have been doing everything I can to never leave my house. I’m still rarely leaving my house, but I’m trying to get out at least once a week just to feel like I’m not trapped inside 24/7.

I’ve done a lot of things over the past 5 months to try to make this time as low-stress as possible. And I know that some of those things have worked because I believe I would be doing much worse now if I had done nothing. And I try to continue doing those things like having a regular schedule and trying to do some tasks every day. But I also know it’s not enough.

I’ve seen several articles about low-grade depression, especially after Michelle Obama said that she has been dealing with it during the pandemic. The more I read about it, the more I think so many of us are experiencing that right now. Low energy or motivation, sleep issues, fatigue, trouble focusing or concentrating, lack of enjoyment with things that used to bring joy. Those all sound very familiar to me. And along with low-grade depression, I know that can bring extra stress. You can be stressed about the symptoms. You can be stressed about how to make yourself feel better. You can be stressed about if you need to get more help or not.

I’m not letting myself stress about if I need more help or not. That is the one I have a clear idea of. But I have been stressed about my symptoms and how to make myself better. And it’s an evil cycle because I want to feel better and then it’s frustrating when something doesn’t work and I have to keep trying to figure out new ideas. But that’s the cycle I’m stuck in for now. I need to find ways to be happy and bring joy into my life right now. When something doesn’t work, it brings me down. Fortunately, it’s not always testing things that don’t work and I have found a few things that have helped. But I know now that I will keep having to find new things the longer this goes on. What brought me joy in March and April might not be doing it for me anymore. This is a continuous thing I have to work on and that’s exactly what I have been doing. Hopefully, soon I’ll figure out the next thing so I can bring my stress down a bit again.

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