I’ve never tried to only show the good parts of my life on here. I know some people only share the good and happy things on social media (and if I’m being honest I tend to share those much more often than anything negative or sad), but I’ve always tried to be honest and upfront about where I am and how I’m doing. And the honest truth is that this month has been exceptionally rough for me.
It hasn’t been due to one thing in particular and nothing has been really bad. But I’ve had enough little things that got to me that added up and have made things a bit of a struggle lately. I’m not depressed or at any risk of harming myself, but it does make me upset that I’m not feeling as happy as I should or that things that I know make me happy aren’t really doing that for me the way they did before. I will also say that I have an appointment with my therapist soon so I will be discussing this with her and making sure I’m doing all the things I should be doing for me.
Getting over being sick and dealing with feeling nauseous has been something I’ve dealt with for a while. My energy hasn’t been as high as it usually is and I am feeling more exhausted by things. I have been working on doing more things because I know that sometimes being bored and lazy can make your energy levels low, but it’s not easy. I also have been struggling with the heat waves we’ve had lately. I know that my body is really affected by the heat and I just have to go with the flow when that happens. I tell myself that when my clothes are fitting me when I know they should and it’s very hot out that it’s not that I gained weight. But it’s hard to get the voice out of my head that says that it’s my fault and not the weather’s.
I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed by online dating. I’m still having fun and have met some nice guys, but I’m ready to be done with it. I said before how I miss not caring and that’s one of the best ways to explain how I feel. I hate that I’m feeling hurt by some of the guys I’ve met. More often that not I’m just annoyed by some of the behavior I’m encountering (like guys who unmatch with me minutes before we are supposed to meet up) but there have been some guys who have ghosted me after one or two dates and it just gets to me. Nobody deserves to be ghosted and I wish these guys could be adult enough to say that they weren’t interested in seeing me again instead of having me wonder for a little bit what happened. I’ve reviewed some of these guys in my head and I don’t think that in most cases I’ve done anything wrong. But I’m trying to learn and also trying to limit how much time I spend on the various apps because it can just be too much at times.
And despite my best efforts, my self-care has been lacking this month. I’ve had some big ideas of things I wanted to do to make sure I was taking care of myself and they just didn’t happen. I’ve tried to get back into it this week as I’ve realized that this has been something I wasn’t doing, but it’s not easy to get back into a habit that was barely a habit when you dropped it. I’m going to start working on a schedule that I can add to my reminders app so that different self-care things aren’t forgotten even if my days get crazy and I feel overwhelmed again.
Like with so many things in my life, once I realized that this was happening and that this month was getting a bit more negative that I would like I was able to start working on turning things around. That was one of the things that motivated me to go to the movies with my friends this week. Even thought this month is almost over there is still time to turn it around and end the month on a much more positive note. I also know that having some down weeks can be a normal part of life and doesn’t mean that something is really wrong with me. It can feel like I’m in a deep hole when I’m in the middle of it, but when I make it through I know that it’s not usually as bad as it seemed before. I just need to get to the other side of this and get back to the happier life that I love to have.
Posted onJuly 24, 2018|Comments Off on Celebrating A Friend’s Birthday (or Not Letting Feeling Gross Stop Me From Being Social)
I’ve been pretty good about not letting my recurring nausea get me down too much. I still do my workouts, even if I have to do a ton of modifications in order to get them done. And sometimes I can barely do the workout, but I figure doing something is better than doing nothing. I’ve felt like this for the last year and a half (since I started having the nausea issues) and it’s never been something I’ve thought twice about. And I’ve never had issues with working when I feel sick either. It does help that I work from home and I can work from my bed if necessary.
Even though I am good with maintaining my workout schedule and not asking for time off work, I am not always dealing with my nausea in the best way. Obviously when I’m sick all day and it’s one of the brutal days I don’t expect to be able to do anything. But even when it’s only mild I have used it as an excuse from time to time. And that’s something that I really shouldn’t be doing because it can isolate me 50% of the time. I need to work on pushing myself to do more when I’m not feeling totally perfect and this past weekend gave me a good opportunity to do that.
My friend Marie was having a small birthday gathering at her house. She’s done this for the past few years but I’ve never been able to make it before. Sometimes I have had to work and sometimes I had a previous commitment that prevented me from going. But this year I happened to be free that afternoon/evening and I wanted to make sure I showed up.
Her birthday gathering was an all-day movie marathon. I knew I couldn’t be there for the first few movies because I had work and my workout, but I was determined to make it for at least a little bit of time in the afternoon. I was having a nausea day and after my workout ended up taking a nap to try to make myself feel better. Unfortunately I wasn’t doing that much better after my nap but I just told myself that I had to push through. I took my medications that can help (they weren’t really helping this day but it was better than nothing) and told myself that I was going to make an appearance and could always go home after being there for a little bit.
Besides wanting to celebrate Marie’s birthday with her, I had a little extra motivation to go. They just adopted a dog and I wanted to meet her! She’s a cute little puppy that was rescued from Thailand so she’s a bit skittish. But she was getting more comfortable in her new home so it was ok for people to come over to see her.
I got to the party while one movie was just ending so I headed to their backyard to just hang out and chat with the friends who were there. And when the movie ended and people came out to join us, I was having a good time talking to people even though I just saw many of them a few weeks ago for the 4th of July. But like I always say, I love just spending time with these friends and I’m grateful for any opportunity I get to see them.
When the next movie was starting, I debated about going in to watch it. But I still wasn’t feeling great and was thinking about leaving soon so I decided to stay in the backyard being social. Some of my friends wanted to take my phone to swipe on dating apps so that ended up being entertainment for a bunch of us. And of course we were all watching the new puppy and seeing all the fun things that she was doing.
I ended up staying at the party much longer than I thought I would. I probably stayed a little bit too long because I was feeling really nauseous on my drive home and was worried I’d need to get off the freeway so I could be sick. Fortunately, that didn’t happen and I made it home without any incidents. But it did make me much more aware of the signs my body gives me when the nausea is about to take a bad turn.
While this wasn’t the most active thing to do, it still was something that in the past I would not go to because of how I was feeling. But I’ve been more and more open with my friends regarding the nausea so they are all very understanding. If a wave of nausea hits me and I just have to breathe to let it pass, they understand and don’t freak out or overreact. I need to remember this more often because I use my fear of how my friends will treat me as a reason to stay home when I feel sick.
I know that it’s going to take some time to get into the habit of not letting my nausea stop me from being social, but I’m glad I had an opportunity to try it out and prove to myself that I can do it. And of course I’m still hoping that in the near future I will figure out some plan that will make my nausea go away and no longer be an issue for me.
Because I am now considered high-risk for breast cancer (even though my mom’s cancer was when she was a little older), I get more cancer screenings than most women my age. About 4 years ago I had my first mammogram. And 2 years ago I had my first breast MRI (my mom’s type of breast cancer is only seen on an MRI). Because of my mom’s age when she was diagnosed and my age now, it’s been a bit up in the air of how often I need to get screenings and what types of screenings they will be. But I do trust my doctor and I go with the plan that she feels is best for me.
When I was at my appointment recently, we went over the cancer screenings I’ve had before and she felt like I should get a mammogram this year. I don’t think anyone looks forward to getting a mammogram, but I was fine getting one because I know that it is important for me to be monitored. I am not scared that I will have cancer, although that is always a possibility because I have friends my age with no family history who found out they had breast cancer. But it’s always a bit nerve-racking whenever you do a medical test for something that is a bit more serious than just checking cholesterol or other more routine tests.
When I called to schedule my mammogram, they happened to have an opening the next day right after I was done with work. That was pretty convenient and there was no need for me to drag things out so I took that appointment before someone else did. And because you never know how late appointments will be, I went there prepared to wait and had my book with me.
I ended up being a bit stupid and mixing up the time I needed to be there. I thought they said I had to be there at 3:15 (for a 3:45 appointment), but they actually said to be there 15 minutes early. But I guess getting there early is better than late. So I got checked in, got my medical bracelet, and headed down to the room in the radiology waiting area that is specific for mammograms. I didn’t get a photo of the waiting room because there were other people in there, but I have to say that they have a much nicer waiting room now! And it’s better than the MRI waiting room too! I kept looking around and checking things out so I didn’t end up reading my book that much before I was called to go back.
I really wanted to get some photos while I was in there, but right after I took a photo of the machine I was told that there are no photos allowed, even if they are only of yourself.
I’ve had a few mammograms before so I knew what I was in for and was prepared for it. I bruise easily and because of some of the positioning for the machine I knew that it can hurt a little bit (not the squeezing part but having my shoulder pressed up against the machine) so I had taken a painkiller before my appointment to prepare. You do get a gown to wear, but I almost wondered why you just aren’t topless because you always have to keep taking the gown on and off for the different images. But I was trying to just be an easy patient and do exactly what the tech was asking me to do.
I don’t know if it was because I was more prepared this time or if things were just different but this mammogram went much easier than the other ones I’ve had. I still had bruising on me after it was all done, but that was to be expected with me. But it wasn’t as painful feeling pressed up against the machine. And the tech was really good at getting me in the position that they needed me in quickly. We only had to redo one of the images but it was my fault they had to do that. In the middle of one I was trying to hold in a cough and I know that I was shaking a bit.
I’m not totally sure how long the appointment took, but it was pretty fast and they were taking off my medical bracelet and telling me I could get dressed and leave before I was expecting it. I was glad I did it and it wasn’t a bad experience. None of the mammograms I’ve had were really bad experiences, but I think the more that I have the easier they will be. I know what I’m going to have to do and I can mentally plan better.
Even though I was expecting there to be nothing wrong with me, it was a nice relief when I got this email from my doctor a few days after the mammogram.
I’m not sure if I’m going to be doing them every year now that I’m closer to the recommended age for women to start getting them or if I will alternate between mammograms and MRIs, but I’m fine with whatever the plan is. I know that some people avoid medical testing because they are scared of what they will find out. For me, I’m more terrified of not knowing something is wrong with me (like my liver tumors). So getting these done makes me feel better and more sure that I am healthy.
Posted onJuly 11, 2018|Comments Off on Celebrating My Mom (or She Hit A Big Milestone)
It’s been a long time since I’ve written about my mom’s cancer on here. And that’s for a good reason. My mom had surgery, chemo, and radiation and she was declared cancer-free after her treatments. She still has sporadic appointments to get checked out and for other things, but she hasn’t needed any further treatments beyond her original treatment plan!
When my mom was originally diagnosed, there was a lot of information coming at us to understand what all of this meant. Even though my entire family is in medicine, cancer was a new things for us all and there was so much that we didn’t know. And there was plenty that my parents knew that they didn’t necessarily tell me. We never discussed survival rates because we also knew that it really didn’t mean much. I’ve had medical situations that were 1 in a million so even if the survival rate was 1% my mom could be the 1% that survives (I think it’s really closer to 75% but I’m not too sure).
The one thing that we did know was that getting to the 5 year mark was important and a good sign. We didn’t realize that the anniversary date is from the date of diagnosis before my mom got treatment. I guess I always figured 5 years cancer free means 5 years from when doctors declare you cancer-free. But it’s really a 5 year survival marker which is 5 years of surviving past diagnosis. It makes sense thinking about it now, but I remember at first that it was a weird idea.
Well, today marks 5 years for my mom! It seems like forever ago that my mom was diagnosed and that I felt so overwhelmed by the news. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I found out from my mom. It was a day that for several hours I wondered if I imagined hearing the news. And I had an event to go out to that night that I really couldn’t skip out on and I felt so weird trying to put on a happy face. I remember sitting at home with a friend the day my mom had surgery (she didn’t want me to come up because there would be delays in the surgery schedule) and waiting on the news that she was out of surgery and it went well. I was so surprised when it was my mom who Facetimed me and my friend and I both told her how amazing she looks after surgery. Her hair looked better coming out of surgery than my did that day!
I remember seeing my mom’s scar for the first time and the first time I saw her without her hair and her wig. I rarely saw her without her wig, but she did show it off to me once. And I remember celebrating every milestone that she hit like when she was done with chemo and when she was done with radiation. And now I get to celebrate her again!
The 5 year mark is a big one but it’s not a guarantee. My mom will always be at risk for the cancer coming back, but it’s much less likely now that she made it 5 years. It’s a milestone that I know we have all been looking toward for so long. Even though in a way it doesn’t matter because she has been fine since her treatments, I’ve been waiting for the 5 year mark so that I could breathe a little easier. Somehow now, it seems more likely that we won’t have to worry about this any more. I know things can change, but this feels like we don’t have to think about it as much.
I have had several friends in the past 5 years get a cancer diagnosis and I know they are all looking toward the 5 year mark. And while all of my friends have been amazing how they’ve handled things and almost all of them have completed their treatments, my mom is still the most incredible person I know who has gone through treatments. The way she handled herself and was able to support our family as well when we were all having tough moments is so inspiring. I know that even with me dealing with my non-cancerous tumors, I wasn’t as amazing as she was and I wasn’t dealing with anything nearly as serious.
I guess the next milestone would be 10 years cancer-free, but that’s never been something I’ve really thought about as far as my mom not having to worry about cancer anymore. Getting to 5 years has been something we’ve all talked about for so long and it’s such a relief that my mom has made it. While I haven’t thought about her cancer for a while, it has been in the back of my head. Now, I can just relax and keep feeling reassured that she is fine and that cancer is in her past.
I’ve been dealing with some female health issues lately. Some of it I’ve discussed on here, and some I haven’t. The things I haven’t shared on here are nothing too bad, but I’ve just been dealing with some recurring issues with my body not reacting normally when I have my periods each month beyond the nausea. I’ve joked to a friend that my body is allergic to when I have my period because my skin freaks out a bit and I have some other weird symptoms. But I know that’s not it. And I was managing it and handling it on my own until recently when I realized that I needed to stop treating myself and actually get checked out.
I usually schedule annual appointments around my birthday so I don’t forget about them, but I didn’t want to have to wait another month or so to figure out what’s happening with me. So I went in to see my OB/GYN (who does almost all my annual health checks and orders the tests I need to do) this week and it ended up being a longer appointment than I expected.
I’m very lucky that I have an amazing doctor. She was trained by my dad so she’s known my family for a while. And besides her being super educated and a great doctor she is also really easy to talk to. I don’t have to feel shame about any concerns I have or feel like she is going to judge me. More often than not I am comfortable enough around her that we can joke about things that others might feel like they could be judged for. It is so helpful to have a doctor you can be totally open with and know that you are going to be taken care of.
First, I did bring up all the nausea issues I’ve been having and what other options there are out there. I was prescribed a new anti-nausea medication that I can try when things are really bad, but I also got a refill for the medication I’ve been on since on the not-so-bad days it does help. It would be amazing if I never needed the stronger medication, but it’s nice to know I have a new option if I do need it.
Then we went over the normal things that are discussed in an annual appointment. I got all the standard tests that I needed plus a few others to see if we could figure out what’s been wrong with me. Some of the tests had a quick turnaround, but there are others that are going to be much more detailed and those may take a month or so to get the answers. Nothing is so bad that I can’t wait for the answers and I’m willing to wait because I do want to know what’s going on.
Finally I got all the other tests that I needed ordered put into the system. My OB/GYN works out of a medical office and not the big hospital, but they do have a lab and a few other departments there. So after my blood work tests were ordered I was able to just walk down the hallway to do that. I didn’t faint (yay!), but because we were doing some more tests than just my standard ones there were 5 vials of blood taken instead of the usually 2. I just kept my eyes closed while I was there and focused on breathing while the vials filled.
I also had a mammogram ordered since I didn’t have one last year. I’m still younger than the age when you need to start getting them each year and my doctor and I haven’t really figured out the best plan for me since I will also probably need MRIs as well, but we are working on the plan together. I also am not as high of risk as other people with a family history of breast cancer since my mom was older when she was diagnosed. But I’d rather be on top of screenings than not get them and realize there is something wrong when it’s too late. I could have scheduled my mammogram at the medical offices, but the hospital is actually closer to my house so I’m going to be going there again.
And after all that, I still had one more stop at the pharmacy at the office to get all the prescriptions filled. I had 4 different things I was getting and because that was considered a large order they had to take a while to get everything together. I didn’t mind since I had my Kindle with me and I could just wait there reading. They originally told me it would take an hour, but it was only about 35 minutes until everything was ready for me.
Since my appointment, I did get a call from my doctor saying that all my tests (except the few that will take time) came back normal. That’s good and bad news. I’m glad there is nothing wrong with me, but I know there is something up and we just don’t know what it is. The more detailed tests won’t necessarily give us an answer because they are testing for more specific things that the quick tests tested for. But you never know so I can still wait on those. But now the plan is to see if the symptoms return and if they do my doctor is going to find a way to see me that day so she sees me when things are affecting me. There is also the possibility that whatever was in my body has left naturally and I won’t have any issues soon. But that will just be a wait and see game.
While it can be frustrating and annoying to have things wrong with you and to spend an afternoon doing medical stuff, I’m not too bothered by it. Obviously I would love to be in perfect health and not have any medical mysteries, but at least I have a great doctor who wants to help me and is willing to order different tests to figure out what is happening. To me, knowing that I’m working on figure it out is a relief and I’m glad that I have the ability to see my doctor when I need to. And at least now I’ve got all the other annual things my OB/GYN would order so I don’t have to worry about those for another year.
I’ve been pretty reflective and internal with a lot of my monthly challenges lately. Clearly I feel like I need to work on my inside right now and I’m glad I’m allowing myself to do that. It does mean that my monthly challenges don’t have the most measurable results, but I can feel that they are making a difference in my life and that’s what’s important to me.
Last month I set my challenge to spend the month refocusing and reconnecting to myself. I had some big goals in mind for what I wanted to do while working on that and I knew that some of them are things I really wanted to do. But to be honest, while I did work on reconnecting to myself I didn’t get a lot of things done that I should have.
I did spend a decent amount of time giving myself permission to be lazy or anti-social. I spent some nights at home reading or watching TV instead of making plans. And I loved having those nights at home. I did a lot of reading which is something that I hadn’t been doing enough lately. I went through the library system online and found several e-books that I wanted to read so I built up my wish list and hold list online. I’m slowly getting those books and I know I’ll have a lot of books coming up that I have been wanting to read.
I wanted to work on cooking more and doing a clothing inventory. Neither of those really happened. The clothing inventory did a bit with doing a mental inventory and stopping myself when I thought I should buy something. I have started orders online for clothes so many times in the past month that I just abandoned because I realized I didn’t need them. I still need to go through things and see what I have and what I can get rid of, but it’s a work in progress. And the cooking thing just didn’t happen. I think part of it was due to me allowing myself to be lazy, but I also had been dealing with health things that just stopped my motivation for cooking. A lot of times this past month I was just eating really basic and plain things that didn’t need much effort. But I am hoping the cooking thing will kick back in for me again soon.
When I was trying to think of my challenge for this month, I had a few things in mind. But it was something I bought online that ended up inspiring me. While I was nauseous I was trying to figure out anything that could help me. I ended up ordering a few things that people said had helped them in the past, and one of those things was an acupressure mat.
Several people suggested acupuncture to me, but I’m a little unsure about it. I don’t love needles (even though that is getting better) and it’s not covered by my insurance. It might be something I try eventually, but not right now. But when I was looking at acupuncture to help nausea I came across using an acupressure mat to help. This particular mat was about $20 on Amazon and has almost 8,000 pressure points between the mat and the pillow. I got it right after my nausea ended, but I decided to experiment with it this past week.
There are a few different guides online on how to use it and what you can do for different types of pain. The most basic one was laying on your back with the pillow under your neck for back pain and to help you relax. So I decided to try that first and I set the mat and pillow on my bed since there was more room on there and it would be easier to get up if I needed to.
A lot of people lay on these mats without clothing on, but most of the guides recommended easing into that. I wore a tank top so there was some exposed skin, but it was minimal. It took a few tries of laying down before I felt like it was the right position, but once I found the right spot I just spent time reading while laying on it. It was a bit pokey from time to time, but nothing unbearable or that painful.
I was on it for about 10 minutes before I felt like I needed to get up. I don’t love laying flat on my back, so that will take some getting used to as well. And after I got up I didn’t feel much at first. But within minutes my back was starting to feel really warm and it felt like the muscle tension and stress in my back was melting off of me. I wish I could describe the feeling better, but it was almost like there was something sliding off my back and it was taking the tension with it.
While I knew this was what the mat was supposed to do, I was still pretty surprised by how quickly it worked and how simple it was. I’ve only had the mat since the end of last week, but I’ve spent time on it every evening before going to bed. And that is my challenge for this month. I want to work on building up my tolerance with the mat when it comes to how long I can lay on it as well as working toward not needing a tank top when using it. I can already feel the benefits I’ve had in the few days I’ve used it, so I can’t wait to see how good I feel after a month.
I also want to work on experimenting with other positions. I have used the pillow on my feet (I was on my back on my couch with my feet on top of the pillow). That didn’t feel as amazing as my back did, but it still felt good. And there are positions to help leg pain, hip issues, and plenty of other things. I need to work on seeing what works for me because I have a feeling this mat will be something I use regularly to help my body feel better.
While this is a more objective challenge that will be easy to confirm whether or not I did it, it still feels a bit internal and reflective to me. This is about making my body feel better and that’s something that only I can tell. Maybe if my body is feeling better I will have more energy to put toward things I want. I’m just excited to see what happens and what other things I may discover about myself after doing this.
Posted onJune 25, 2018|Comments Off on Just Surviving The Workouts (or Hoping Next Week Will Be Better)
I knew going into this week of workouts that I was going to have days of nausea. I was very lucky it didn’t affect me too much the week prior, but since coming off the pill and having regular periods again I have not had a period without nausea. I always hope for the best, but the realistic side of me makes me worried and I try to not let that affect my workout too much.
Monday wasn’t that bad of a day for me. I knew I’d be going to Disneyland after the workout so I wasn’t pushing myself too hard and the nausea was pretty minor. It was a 3 group class and we spent 15 minutes at each section before moving on.
For cardio on the bike, we had 3 short blocks. The first block was a 3 minute push pace with a 1 minute all out pace. The second block was a 2 minute push pace, 1 minute base pace, and a 1 minute all out. And the last block was a 1 minute push pace, 1 minute base pace, 1 minute push pace, and 1 minute all out pace. I stuck with my usual resistance levels but I wasn’t pedaling as fast as I normally could. The nausea waves were coming during my time on the bike, but they were over quickly and not as severe as I know they could be so I felt good about that.
On the floor we had some work that was timed and some work that was by the number of reps. We had skater lunges, seated knee tucks, push ups, chest flies, and bear step plank work. I knew I couldn’t do things where I was horizontal with my face toward the ground because that makes me feel worse. So for the push ups and the bear steps I did modified push ups using the bench for both. It was still tough doing that, but I wasn’t feeling as sick as I would have if I was completely horizontal with my face toward the ground.
And on the rower we started with a 100 meter row with 10 squat presses using a medicine ball. Each round we went up 100 meters on the rower keeping the medicine ball work the same. The goal in 15 minutes was to get to 2,000 meters which didn’t seem that tough since usually I can do 2,000 meters in under 10 minutes. The first few rounds weren’t too bad and I was able to row without stopping and quickly get to the medicine ball work. But as each round went on the rowing was more and more difficult and I needed to take breaks. I got to about 1,900 meters when class was done which was a bit frustrating that I was so close to the goal (I would have rather been at 1,500 meters and been really far from hitting it).
Wednesday was a pretty brutal day for me. I’ve had bad nausea days before, but this was a totally new level of bad. I debated skipping the workout, but I knew that I would be mad at myself if I did that. So I showed up and figured that even if I could barely do anything it would be better than doing nothing.
The cardio portion was similar with rounds of push to all out paces ranging from 1 minute to 30 seconds. I tried to stick with my usual resistance levels on the bike, but my legs were moving very slowly. It reminded me of the week before doing Everest on the bike where it felt like my legs were in jello or syrup on the high resistance levels. But I just kept trying to keep moving and not caring how little I was able to do. I had to take so many breaks to let the nausea pass and I just let my body control what I could do. I had taken 2 medications which are supposed to help with the worst nausea but they didn’t seem to touch how I was feeling this day. Fortunately I have an appointment with my doctor soon so I’m going to ask if there are other options so I don’t have too many days like this.
When we got to the floor, I realized this workout was not designed for the issues I was dealing with. We had 3 blocks and each block started with a rolling burpee. This means we start on our backs on the weight bench and do a sit-up. Then we are supposed to stand, put our feet on the weight bench (so our head is lower than our feet), do a push up, and then put our feet back on the ground to start over with the sit-up. I knew this was not possible for me to do. So I did the sit-up, stood up and turned around so I was facing the bench. I used it to help with my push up so I didn’t have to be horizontal and then turned around to do the sit-up again. It added time to my work, but I needed to do this. The other work we had included some plank work so again I used the bench to put my hands on so I didn’t have to be face down on the ground. When class was done, I was ready to be home and just try to get the feeling of nausea over with. While it did get better after class, it didn’t go away.
Friday was an interesting day. Since starting to go to the Culver City studio I haven’t done many afternoon workouts. My Saturday ones are at 11:20am which could still be considered the morning. But I hadn’t done a 4pm workout in a while. But some of my workout friends were going to take the 4pm class and I wanted to join them for a workout reunion! It was another bad nausea day and I honestly have no idea if working out in the morning would have been easier or harder, but it was going to be an afternoon workout no matter what.
It was an endurance based workout but we did switch between blocks so that helped. But I know that the nausea was awful because my friends kept checking in on me. I guess I looked really green sometimes and really pale other times. They don’t usually see me when I’m this sick so I think it freaked them out a bit. But I just kept reassuring them that I was fine and I pushed through the best I could.
For the cardio, there were 3 blocks that all had a similar pattern. It was 3 rounds of push paces to base paces and ending with a push pace to an all out pace. The first block had the push and base paces for 1 minute, the second block for 45 seconds, and the last block for 30 seconds. I tried my best to just keep pedaling on the bike and I surprised myself a bit by how well I did. I did take lots of breaks to let the nausea pass, but considering how horrible I was feeling earlier it was significantly better than what I was expecting.
On the floor, even though we had 3 blocks it was really 1 long block that we kept working on during each block. We started with a 600 meter row and then had add on exercises. We started with lateral lunges and regular lunges and then each round we added on another thing. We also had hip hinge reverse flys, weighted hip bridges, and sit-ups (which I did as crunches). Then we had a 300 meter row and started with all the exercises and each round we were supposed to take away something. I did the 300 meter row and started doing all the exercises again, but that’s as far as I got.
Even though this was another pretty brutal workout, it was made so much better by having my friends there. It was a rare treat and we talked about trying to make this happen once a month or every other month and I hope we are able to do it!
Saturday was a little better, but still a pretty nauseous day. It was a strength based workout and there were no switches so I was on the bike for about 25 minutes before moving to the floor. There were 3 blocks on cardio and each block started with a longer push, then had 2 rounds of base to push paces, and ended with a 30 second all out. Overall it was easier for me to bike than it was earlier in the week, but when a wave of nausea hit me it was much more severe and literally stopped me in my tracks. Usually I can slow down the bike before letting it pass, but this time I had to stop completely immediately because it just took over. I know this probably sounds so horrible and it’s probably bad that I’m getting used to this, but it’s the reality of my life now.
The floor had 2 blocks. The first block was supposed to be all ab dolly work, but I couldn’t do any of it on the ab dolly. First were roll outs which I couldn’t do because being horizontal with my face toward the ground makes things worse. So I did roll outs with the straps instead. Then we were supposed to do pikes (which I usually do as knee tucks) and that was the same issue with the roll outs. So I did leg lifts instead (which my coach said was basically pikes on my back). And the last thing were hamstring curls which I just can’t do on the ab dolly so I did hip bridges with a weight on my hips.
The second block went better. We had hip hinge reverse grip low rows, sumo squats, and shoulder work. Normally for the low rows and shoulder work I would use 15 lb weights and the squats would be either 20 lb or 25 lb. But I decided to challenge myself to make up for my issues with cardio and did 20 lb weights for the row and shoulders and a 30 lb weight for my squats. It was tough, but not as tough as I thought it would be. We also had 200 meter rows in this block and I did manage to do it in under 40 seconds which is pretty decent for me.
It was unfortunate that I was accurate in this past week of workouts being lots of nausea days. But I think I’m dealing with them better now than I have before and I’m more familiar with the modifications I’ll need to do and what I can do instead. There is a chance that some of this week will still be not so great, but I know that by the end of the week I should be better. And not only will the nausea go away, but I’m finally over this cold I had! So there is a chance I might be trying the treadmill for the first time in about 7 weeks!
My body has been such a mess lately. It seems like something has been wrong with me for several months (when in reality it’s most like 5-6 week) and I just can’t be healthy. I’m aware that the cold I got is going to stick with me for a bit longer and that’s a little annoying. But I do see progress every day that I’m getting a bit better. I just can’t wait until I am not coughing all day and I feel like I can breathe normally again.
Right before I got sick, I had a bladder infection (which came right after feeling nauseous). It was cured pretty quickly with antibiotics and I was grateful that I don’t get them that often. They are pretty bad and because I didn’t want to have to take unpaid time off work I had to wait several hours after my symptoms started to get to the doctor for the medication. I had to wait until getting to the doctor to take any over the counter medications that make things less painful so I could be properly diagnosed, but as soon as I finished at the doctor I took everything I could to make it go away.
But then the other day, I was feeling off and couldn’t place what was wrong. Then I started feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom constantly and was terrified that I had another bladder infection. I thought it would be so strange to have another one but I was not willing to take the risk and wait it out. So I called the nurse line to talk to someone and see if I could get a prescription quickly.
With the nurse line, they can call you back when it’s your turn so you aren’t on hold for a while. The wait time was about 2 hours and the entire time I was waiting I was drinking as much water as I could. I know that you can’t always flush it out of your system, but I was going to try it because that’s all I could do while I was waiting. When I finally spoke to the nurse, my symptoms were slightly better but she still felt like it would be best for me to take the antibiotics again.
So I got into the car and drove to Kaiser. As I drove there I realized that I felt pretty much normal again and that maybe I overreacted. But I still wanted to get the prescription in case this was just a temporary break. I went to the pharmacy to order them and then walked into the hospital to use the bathroom. And when I walked in, I will say I was super creeped out by how empty it was inside.
I’ve never seen the lobby with no people inside. There was nobody waiting, no staff at the desks, and nobody walking around. The hospital was open and I have no clue why there was nobody inside. But since I was weirded out I quickly used the bathroom and headed back to the pharmacy to pick up the medication.
By then, I was feeling totally normal and a bit silly for doing all this. If I had just waited it out, I would have been fine. Of course, there was no way to know that when I called to talk to the nurse and I’d rather overreact and not do anything and make the situation much worse. I know a bladder infection can turn into much more serious conditions and I don’t want to cause that to happen.
While I did get the medication, I’m not going to take it right now. I’d rather not take antibiotics that I don’t need. I’m going to keep them because I still am a bit paranoid that this is only a temporary break from the issue and that it’s going to come back and get worse. I feel the same way about my tumors. When I found out they shrunk, I was so sure that it wasn’t real and that they would grow again. When I had my scan last October, I was certain that I wasn’t going to get good news. Fortunately I was wrong about that.
I think that it’s just my nature to be paranoid about things like this when I’ve already had to deal with them. I’m not really worried about medical conditions that I haven’t had personally (or have had close family have). I’m not worried about all the new diseases and conditions you read about in the news. I’m only worried about repeats of what I had or that something that is supposed to be getting better is really getting worse. I’m glad that I was wrong this time and I was fine, but I’m still worried that in a week I’ll be writing about how this post was wrong.
Posted onJune 11, 2018|Comments Off on Continuing To Get Better (or Still Finding Wins In My Workouts)
I’ve been using the bike for my workouts for a while now and I’ve finally started to be able to find my groove as far as challenging myself goes. I’ve had a few different ideas with challenges on the bike and this past week I was able to try them out in my workouts.
I was feeling excited for Monday’s workout with how things went the previous week. I did still have to fight the little voice in my head telling me to try the treadmill because I knew that I shouldn’t. But it was extra tempting because not only was it a power day (which means short push or all out paces), but it was a 3 group workout so the time on the treadmill was shorter than a 2 group class.
I ended up started the workout on the rower and the rower and treadmill workout were actually the same. There were 5 little blocks within the block that were push to all out paces with walking recovery in-between. All of the all out paces were 30 seconds and the push paces started at 30 seconds and went up 15 seconds each time. And for the rower, we did push to all out rows with recovery rows in-between. That meant we would be rowing for 14 minutes. I would have loved to have been able to do that without stopping, but that just wasn’t going to happen. I did limit my breaks to when we had recovery time, but I did have to take a break during each recovery. I had a goal in my head for how many meters I would have liked to have rowed (which was much lower than what I know I could do normally), but I didn’t make it to that goal.
For the treadmill time, I was on the bike and all I wanted to do was see if I could go a majority of the time without needing a break. I stuck with my normal resistances for the push and all out time and during the recovery time I was at my base resistance. Doing that made me realize that I probably could work on increasing my resistance on the bike. I haven’t been doing that since these levels were what I had been using before I was sick, but before I was sick I wasn’t working on the bike as often as I have lately. So this is proof that I’m getting stronger even if my endurance is still down a bit. During the 14 minutes on the bike, I only took 2 breaks and that was because I needed a drink of water. I’m not coordinated enough to drink water and pedal at the same time, but maybe I’ll get there one day!
And the floor was one long block with pull ups on the straps, squat swings using weights, lunges, and squats using weights. I was using my normal weights for the weighted work but it was a little bit of a struggle. I know that I push myself harder on the bike to prove that I’m getting better and that is causing my floor work to not be as strong. I could try doing the floor work first, but to be honest I love my routine and I really don’t know if I want to change it. But even with the floor work not being excellent, it was still good and I was using what I used before I was sick. Using my normal floor work weights is awesome and I don’t have to prove to myself right now that I could do better than that. I do need to keep working on increasing my weights to get stronger, but it doesn’t have to be my focus while I’m also focusing on getting my endurance back.
Wednesday was Global Running Day and Orangetheory had a workout designed for that. It was a 23 minute run for distance and as much as I would have liked to have seen if I could get anywhere close to what I was able to do in the past, I knew this was not meant to be my first workout back on the treadmill. So I decided to use this workout to see what I could do as far as endurance goes on the bike. We also had distance goals to hit that corresponded to various ribbon colors, but based on what the distance was I pretty much knew even before starting what ribbon I’d be at so I wasn’t too worried about that. I just wanted to see how long I could be on the bike before taking a break.
Since it was 23 minutes straight, my original idea was I wanted to wait until at least 10 minutes went by before taking a break. I felt pretty certain that I could do this as far as needing a breathing or coughing break, but since I need to take a break to drink water too I wasn’t totally sure I wouldn’t need water in the first 10 minutes. But since I set that goal in my head, I made it just past 10 minutes before taking my first water break. I went another 8 minutes before my next one. And the entire 23 minutes I never needing a breathing or coughing break. I was really happy with how well I did and when I finished I totally forgot that I set the resistance to be at my push pace resistance at the beginning and never changed it! So I did the entire thing as a push pace!
The floor was 3 blocks and I knew that they would be a bit tough after the cardio. The first block was using the mini-bands for plank work as well as hammer curls plus bench sit-ups to squats. The second block was a 4 minute distance row. I did get over 800 meters which was what we were supposed to at least get to, but I know that in better circumstances I could have done much better. And the last block was upright rows using weights, ab dolly knee tucks, lateral arm raises using weights, and rollouts using the ab dolly. The last block got really tough and I was coughing a lot, but I just took the time I needed to recover before moving on with the workout.
After a big endurance workout on Wednesday, I was glad that Friday was a power day. I’ve got it in my head that I’m going to stick with the bike for at least a little bit longer so even though this could have been a good day on the treadmill I was on the bike. Every block was 4.5 minutes and there were 4 blocks on each side.
The first 3 blocks on cardio were a similar format with a push pace, a base pace, and then a push to all out pace. The difference was that the first push got shorter and the second push and all out pace got longer each block. It was pretty easy for me to not worry about taking a break during each block since they were short and I tried to keep my water breaks between blocks short so I wasn’t taking too much time away from pedaling. The last block was 4 all out paces with walking recovery between and that was the block that I struggled with. I was having a pretty horrible coughing fit during that entire block and it wasn’t getting better with drinking water. I did have to take breaks during each recovery to try to get whatever was caught in my throat out, but whatever it was wasn’t leaving and I finished cardio still coughing up a storm.
The floor was also 4 blocks, but the last block was a rowing one. The first block was single arm snatches with weights and speed skater lunges. The second block was pull-ups on the straps and sit-ups with rotations. And the third block was high rows on the straps and bench hop overs. My coughing was continuing during the floor and I was having to take breaks to let it pass. I started to cough so much I was getting a bit nauseous, but it was mild compared to what I normally have to deal with. The last block was rowing with the same pattern as the treadmills with the 4 all out rows with recovery rows in-between. My rowing was ok, but it wasn’t that strong and my form was getting a bit sloppy. I was trying to slow down to make sure my form was better and not worrying about the distance, but I just struggled. It wasn’t the best way to end a workout, but I was glad I got through it considering how much difficulty I had with all the coughing and the issues with breathing.
Saturday’s workout was endurance, strength, and power based and I had my friend Elizabeth in class with me. We hadn’t been in a class together for a while so it was nice to have her there. And she decided to try using the bike with me so that was an added bonus for me since it’s sometimes a bit lonely being alone on the bike. There were 3 blocks on the treadmill and the first and third blocks were both challenges for distance. Both blocks had some push and all out paces plus a 3 minute distance challenge. For the distance challenge, I used my push pace resistance and was just able to beat my distance the second time I did it. I biked further during this class than I had in any other class and that was awesome. I’ve gotten used to the patterns I have on the bike so I can see when I’m making improvements.
On the floor, we had 3 blocks as well. The first two blocks had a focus with using the BOSU ball. We had running men, kneeling shoulder presses, crunches, plank jacks, sit-ups, and hip bridges using it. I wasn’t able to use the BOSU for the plank jacks, but I did for everything else. I usually don’t try doing hip work on it because I like having more stability for hip work, but I tried it and while it did take me longer to do the set I was able to do it. The last block was a 750 meter row which I did just under my time goal and then chest presses and rollouts using the straps.
Overall, this past week of workouts had a lot of successes for me. There were moments where I had moments of wanting to skip the bike and test myself on the treadmill, but I’m glad I didn’t because I still struggle with getting over this cold. And being forced to use the bike for as long as I have is really giving me an idea of goals to have when I use the bike in the future. I am looking at reorganizing how I track workout records on my own and I think I really do need to add a bike category so I can track my progress.
Posted onMay 31, 2018|Comments Off on Food Scheduling (or Trying Out New Things)
I’ve written about it so many times on here, but food issues are my biggest ones. It’s been a lifelong struggle and I’m guessing that it will be something I struggle with the rest of my life. I do hope that it will get easier for me one day, but I’m realistic in the idea that this will never go away completely.
I’ve struggled with what to eat, how much to eat, and when to eat. And when I started taking Vyvnase, the struggle of when to eat became bigger than ever. When I started taking it, I could go a very long time without remembering to eat and then it would backfire. I would realize that it was already dinnertime and I was starving. Forgetting to eat was a new issue for me and I really didn’t expect it to happen. So planning to remember to eat became very important to me.
For the past year or so, I’ve had an alarm to go off to remind me to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And it’s been very useful, especially to remember to eat lunch when I’m working. I don’t always eat full meals (especially for breakfast or lunch), but at least getting something into my stomach helps me not feel famished when I do remember to eat.
But when I was sick recently, I was barely eating. For most people, when they are sick and not eating they lose weight. For me, somehow I gain weight. I’ve never been able to explain it, but that’s how my body works. But because of this, I’ve always been fearful of not eating enough in a normal day and causing a weight gain. I know it’s crazy because I’ve done a super low calorie diet before and lost weight, but it’s still a fear in the back of my head.
When I was better, I assumed that I would want to get back to my normal eating schedule. But I was having issues with it. The biggest issue was eating a small breakfast before my morning workouts. I’ve always had a half of a banana or some peanut butter before a workout because I felt like I needed it to keep me from feeling nauseous. Lately even that much food was too much so I had some chocolate milk before a workout and that seemed to be fine. But now even doing that doesn’t feel right to me. So I’ve been doing my morning workouts on an empty stomach.
I know there is a lot of debate on if you should work out on an empty stomach or not. I’m not too worried about the studies because I need to do what is right for me. Some people say they can’t work out as hard if they don’t eat something first, but I’m still working my way back and rebuilding my endurance so there is really no way for me to know if it is affecting me or not. All I know is that I’m not feeling worse without eating right now.
I do try to eat something as soon as I get home from a workout, but I’ll admit that I don’t always do that. But even if I do, I’m basically eating 2 meals a day right now (there have been a few days where it was 1 meal, but I know that I ate too much). I’ve never thought that eating less would be ok with me and not trigger something, but at whatever phase this is of my life it does seem to not cause any issues.
I have friends who do intermittent fasting and love it. I don’t want to commit and say that this is what I’m doing, but I do know that most of my eating is taking place in a 6-8 hour period which does fit into the intermittent fasting plan. I’m starting to do a bit more research on it and how it works with eating disorders because the last thing I want to do is have this backfire soon and make things worse for me than what they were before. If it looks like this will be trouble, then I will go back to making myself eat the 3 meals a day. But I really hate to make myself eat something when I’m not hungry just because of what time it is.
There is a very good chance that this is just a short phase, like all my other food things have been. But I do just have to keep on trying what seems to be more natural and simple for me and hopefully something will work and stick soon. But I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned from all the different things I’ve tried is to not feel like I need to stick 100% to any plan or to feel like I’m stuck doing something. I have to allow myself to be flexible because that is the only way to figure out what I will be able to do and maintain.
Just A Day Can Turn Things Around (or Things Are Getting Better)
