Category Archives: Dating

Not Sure How I Did With My Last Monthly Challenge (or Another Attempt At NaNoWriMo)

Posted on November 1, 2019 | Comments Off on Not Sure How I Did With My Last Monthly Challenge (or Another Attempt At NaNoWriMo)

When I set my monthly challenge for October to be working more on my acting career, I was so excited about the things I had in mind. I had some things in mind that were bigger plans that I knew would be things I would need to save up for, but there were several things I knew I could work on. And honestly, I don’t really know how much I succeeded or failed at my challenge.

I knew that I would have the convention and that would be a big acting related event. And it did help my career in many ways, but my plan was to try to do more than just that. I wanted to do some research into classes, work on organizing things to be ready when I have auditions, and schedule and hopefully take new headshots. And I did a little bit of research work (part of that includes my tv research), but I didn’t do a majority of what I wanted to.

I don’t want to make excuses for myself, but I know why this didn’t happen. First, I was dealing with money issues and that made me hesitant to plan for anything that would require money. I also didn’t expect to be as tired after the convention as I was and that took a lot out of me. Part of being tired (and another reason why I didn’t do much for my career) had to do with my grandma passing away. I’m grieving this loss very differently than I expected and I think part of that has been that it hasn’t fully hit me yet. When my grandpa passed away, I was with my family a few days later. When I have had friends pass away, it felt more real because of how I had been staying in touch with them. This time, I don’t know if it will fully hit me until Thanksgiving. But for the past few weeks, I’ve been just having this weird feeling that is almost like I have a bit of grief and sadness affecting other things. I’m ok and nobody needs to worry about me about being depressed or anything. This is just how I am processing it and it wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Obviously, working on my acting career is a challenge that isn’t going to stop just because it’s a new month. I need to work on this and keep working on this. I still want to accomplish the things I had in mind for last month, so I will keep making plans and trying to get them done. I do still have the same financial restrictions for now, but planning can be done without spending money. And for the things that will require money, I can take steps towards those too.

And for my monthly challenge this month, I’ll be repeating one I’ve done in November before. I’ll be working on writing a book. I’ve stopped working on the book about online dating that I was working on in the past because I didn’t like how it was coming together. And a few months ago, I had the idea to change the book to be more about life lessons I’ve been learning from online dating. I’ve been working on notes and organizing ideas for what these lessons are so that I could be ready to start working on the new book. And I’m planning on working on it this month.

I still do not think I will have a finished first draft for the book after the month is done because I don’t know if the book is done yet. I know that I will have more stories from online dating that haven’t happened yet, so I will want to add those as they do happen. But I want to get each section that I’ve got notes on right now written during the month. I don’t know if I want to work on one lesson/chapter each day that I write or just try to work a bit every day. I’m allowing myself to be flexible and see how it works best for me.

I feel much better about working on the book this time because I do have notes that help me see the flow of how the book can go. I have shifted lessons around so that it makes more narrative sense to me. And I’m excited to be able to write down some of the crazier stories that weren’t going to be in other versions of the book because they weren’t substantial enough. But now, I can’t put a bunch of stories together in one lesson if they work that way. I can’t wait to see what happens as I write and what I might be inspired to edit and change as I work on it.

I do also have an idea for a fiction book about dating that I have notes on, but I don’t have the same pull to work on it as I do with my life lessons book. I also think reflecting on the lessons I’ve learned will be a good thing for me and will remind me that even though dating hasn’t been going the way I wanted it to that I am getting some good things out of it.

Hopefully, when I do my update after the month is done I will have some great things to share about how the writing went. I have high expectations for myself since this is not the first time I have tried working on this. I know how I didn’t succeed before and want to make sure I don’t repeat those mistakes. And even though this book will still be a work in progress after the month is over, I want to feel like I’ve gotten a lot of work on it done and that it’s more of a book than a bunch of ideas.

Good luck to anyone else doing NaNoWriMo this month! I hope you get everything out of it that you are hoping for!

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff

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Dating Life Update (or I Guess I’m Lucky I’m Still Seeing Humor In This)

Posted on October 29, 2019 | Comments Off on Dating Life Update (or I Guess I’m Lucky I’m Still Seeing Humor In This)

It’s been a while since I’ve written much about any random adventures I’ve been having with dating or online dating. And that’s because there haven’t been any big developments. I’m still dating and finding a lot of the same struggles I’ve had for a while. I have noticed a few differences, but I feel like they are more about what I am learning about myself and not what I am learning about how to date or find the right guy for me.

I’m not fed up with dating (at least not yet), but it’s definitely testing me. I’m so tired of having the same things happen over and over again. And I know that they aren’t necessarily my fault. I keep finding men who are just in LA for vacation so they might be fun to meet up with for dinner but there’s no potential there. I find men who answer my innocent opening lines with something dirty and disgusting. On Bumble, women have to start texting. I usually have a simple opening line such as “Funny or scary movies?” and I get some fun answers. But then there are the few guys each week that answer it with something like naked movies or whatever they have filmed on a hidden camera in their bedroom.

Because my tolerance for things like that is going down, I’m unmatching with those guys right away and not feeling bad about it. They don’t need a second chance when they start a conversation like that. If they were someone I wanted to meet, I wouldn’t have such a negative reaction to what they wrote.

I’m also getting annoyed with men who either don’t seem to want to make plans to meet up or unmatch with me after planning a date. There’s only so much I can do to suggest meeting for coffee or a drink. If a guy won’t take the hint or won’t follow through, I don’t see the need to waste my time on them. I’m not looking for someone to text with, I’m looking to meet up and see what can happen. And I have encountered several men who make a plan to meet up and then the day of they unmatch for whatever reason. Maybe they changed their mind and didn’t feel like I needed to know, maybe they never wanted to meet up. I try not to take that rejection personally, but it’s hard not to think there is something wrong with me that made them do it.

I also went out with someone recently that I thought I really clicked with. We had a great first date that ended up lasting over 12 hours between meeting up, going for drinks, getting dinner, seeing a movie, and just talking to get to know each other. I was excited about a second date and he seemed to be as well. And while we were planning that second date, he said he didn’t want to go out again because he didn’t think we had a connection. Again, I tried not to take it personally but it wasn’t easy. But a friend put it in a different perspective for me. My friend said that if this guy couldn’t figure out if we had a connection while on a 12-hour date, I shouldn’t want to go out with him again because he’s not quick to pick up on things. I appreciated hearing that and it made me feel so much better about the situation.

But focusing on more positive things, I am trying to be more open to taking chances with dating. If I’m not 100% sure about a guy (maybe I don’t think they are my type or they have something in their profile I’m not sure about), I still am willing to meet in person since you never know. There are guys that I didn’t think I would like that I ended up going out with several times. And the same goes for guys I have gone out with before. I am willing to give guys from my past another chance as long as they didn’t do anything to hurt me before. If we just were in different places and that’s why we stopped seeing each other, then I am willing to try again if they want to. Of course, if they were rude to me or did something else that upset me, they don’t get a second chance no matter what.

And I’m still enjoying the various dating-related Facebook groups that I’m in. Many of the groups I’m in are about being single and not necessarily dating. They celebrate being single and dating posts aren’t as often. But it’s still a great support for me and I enjoy seeing how other people are enjoying dating and being single. And then there is one group that really is a dating support group for me. We can share anything that has happened on dates or dating apps and we all are sounding boards for each other. We can post texts for others to help interpret or screenshots of dating profiles (with the photos and names blocked out) to have a good laugh. That group has helped me stay sane when I feel like this is all driving me crazy. I don’t know what I would do without the women in that group. Their virtual support means so much to me.

I wish I had a better dating update to share, but it’s really that I’m just trucking along as always. I am becoming a stronger person as I go through the dating world and am more sure about what I want to find in a potential partner. I know what I deserve and what I don’t need to tolerate. And as much as I wished I had learned that lesson on my own, I think I had to learn it through dating because it really does help to make things clearer. I have more to write about my online dating book soon, but for now, the update is just that I’m still going and still trying to see the positive in the randomness of the dating world.

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Standing Up For Myself (or A Bad But Funny Date Story)

Posted on August 6, 2019 | Comments Off on Standing Up For Myself (or A Bad But Funny Date Story)

I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve shared a random dating story. Lately, it’s been more about life lessons from dating. But there have been so many one-off date stories lately and I haven’t been sharing them on here. Most of them are pretty simple. There have been guys who don’t match the photos that were in their profiles, guys that I don’t click with for some reason or another, and of course more guys that ghost at various points in time. But last week, I had another epic date story.

This guy seemed totally normal while we were messaging on the app. We chatted about a few different things and then decided to meet up for a drink since it’s important to see if there is chemistry in person. We didn’t really live too close to each other, so we decided to meet somewhere that was in the middle. And Hollywood was somewhat between us and I suggested that we meet at Wood & Vine. That worked for him and I was happy that we were meeting somewhere that I knew well and was comfortable with.

We were meeting there while a show was going on at the Pantages, so the restaurant only had a few people there. We sat at the bar and he ordered a beer and I had water. He was debating about getting food, but I was secretly hoping he wasn’t going to order anything because I still wasn’t sure how this was going to go and I didn’t want to have to feel like I had to stay there while he was eating.

He ended up not getting food and I am so grateful he didn’t because this date was just awful. I don’t even know how it started going wrong. The conversation was awkward as it sometimes is when you meet someone new, so I asked about what he did since that is usually a safe topic. Turns out he doesn’t work. He was a bit vague about how he pays for things, but I think he lives off of family money. And he seemed to be surprised that I had to work to make money. I don’t know why that is so surprising, but he also wasn’t American so I thought maybe he mixed up some words and said it wrong so I didn’t let it affect me too much.

Since he didn’t have work to talk about, I asked him what he did for fun. He had a long list of stereotypical LA things to say like yoga, go to the beach, swim, hike, self-improvement, cook, and be outside. Everything was generic and not much that I could connect to or start more of a conversation about. Finally, he mentioned reading and I could talk to him about that. So I asked what he reads and he said that he only reads things that will benefit him and that would be self-improvement or self-help. I then asked if he ever reads for fun and he almost laughed at the idea of that.

I said how I read for fun and he said something about how I needed to entertain myself by reading. That just made me made. I don’t have to entertain myself by reading. I love to read. I get so much pleasure out of it, and he made it seem like I needed it to not do something destructive or harmful. It was so annoying.

At this point, I was debating about just getting up and leaving because there was clearly no connection and this was not going to go anywhere and he asked me what I was thinking. The implication was if I wanted to go home with him. I couldn’t believe that he thought that things were going well! This wasn’t the worst date I had been on, but it was not good at all. I said that I didn’t feel the connection but I was glad that we met so we could at least see. You never know if you click with someone until you meet.

He didn’t seem to understand why I didn’t agree that there wasn’t a connection. He brought up that he likes big girls so I should want to be with him. He had no way of knowing that is one of my biggest pet peeves. I do not want to be with a guy that wants to be with a big girl because hopefully, I will not be this size my entire life. I want someone who wants to be with me for me and is attracted to me no matter my size. Someone who is attracted to big girls might stop being attracted to me when I lose weight (I’ve had it happen to me before). This guy seemed to think that because he was willing to be with me, I should be grateful and be with him. But I am not that type of girl.

We got up to leave (thank you again to the staff at Wood & Vine for helping make it a quick exit) and this guy still couldn’t get it in his head that I wasn’t interested and that it wasn’t going further. We were on the street and he kept bugging me to tell him why I didn’t want to continue this. Finally, I was tired of him bugging me and wanted him to leave me alone so I said I would tell him the truth. I said that I felt like he was a pompous asshole and a douchebag. I’m still a bit shocked that I said that to someone, but he deserved it and it felt good to be honest.

It might not have been the smartest move to say that because he didn’t take that well and he wanted to know why I felt that. He ended up saying I had no right to feel the way I felt and that I had to feel the way he said I should feel. It was ridiculous. And there was a small crowd starting to watch this happen which was odd and I just was ready to get out of there. The guy stormed off when I wouldn’t back down and agree with him that I wasn’t allowed to have my own emotions and I went back toward where my car was but waited off to the side before going to my car because I wanted to make sure he wasn’t following me or watching me.

And of course, I blocked and reported him on the dating app before I got to my car.

When I was driving home, I called my friend Dani and was shaking and crying. I don’t know why I was having that reaction because I wasn’t necessarily upset over what happened. I think it was more about the adreneline because I was so close to punching this guy. I’m glad I didn’t hit him because that wouldn’t have been wrong. But I am glad I said what I said even though it was not something I would normally do.

Maybe this guy is used to being with girls who look like me that will tolerate anything and will accept whatever comes their way. I was never that way, but I also know that I did tolerate more in the past than I do now. I don’t think I would have stood up for myself quite as much as I did this time if this happened a year ago. I wouldn’t have gone home with this guy or had a second date, but I probably would have played it off and just unmatched him later. I wouldn’t have told him that I had no interest in seeing him again. But now, I have found new confidence and power and have realized that I have the right to get what I want and not be embarrassed by that. And if I am treated in a way that I don’t deserve, I don’t have to stay quiet and take that.

I’m sure this guy will just be back on the app looking for another girl he can treat this way hoping that she will put up with it. But maybe in the back of his mind, he will think twice or have a little hesitation after I stood up to him and he realized that he can’t get away with it.

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Yet Another Book Rewrite (or Letting My Blog Posts Inspire Me)

Posted on June 11, 2019 | Comments Off on Yet Another Book Rewrite (or Letting My Blog Posts Inspire Me)

I’ve written several times about the book I’ve been working on about online dating. I’ve also written about how I’ve worked on different versions because I wasn’t sure if what I had previously done was right.  I started with the book in 3 sections: guys I’ve gone out with that were decent people, guys that were horrible people whether or not I met them in real life, and the cheaters I caught. Then I decided I wanted to change that up and write the book chronologically because some of the stories only made sense when it was put into the proper timeline. I’ve been going back and forth on those two versions for a while and I never was 100% sure it was right.

I was so conflicted on which version I wanted that I had to stop working on it for a bit. Then I was inspired to work on a novel inspired by online dating (but it would be a work of fiction). I haven’t done much with the novel except doing a brief outline of what the plot points would be along with a few style ideas which are needed because of the idea I have with that book. I’m not feeling a huge push to work on it and I think I’ll probably use it for NaNoWriMo this year. I think working on a piece of fiction would be easier than something that is about my real life because I don’t have to wait to figure out what will happen next. I can make it up and I don’t have to depend on having more dates.

And I think waiting is one of the reasons I’ve been struggling with my original online dating book. I have said since I started it that I didn’t know how it would end. I would love it to end with the story of the guy I end up with, but I have no idea when that will happen and I don’t love the idea that the story needs to end like that. Not everything has to end with a happy ending and I want it to accurately represent where I am in life. Maybe when I finally finish it I will be with my forever person, but if I’m not I don’t want to feel like things are incomplete.

I stopped working on that book a little while ago although I have been adding notes about stories I wanted to include. But I haven’t felt the motivation to work because of the fear that until I know the ending that I can’t work on it. But I have inspired a little bit ago about yet another version of what this book could be and it finally doesn’t seem to require a real ending. And the inspiration kind of came from the blog posts I write about online dating.

Sometimes I do write general online dating posts on here and funny stories. But I also write about lessons that I’ve learned from the various dates and experiences I’ve had. And while I feel like the crazy stories are fun and entertaining, the lessons I’ve learned are probably so much more important. I’ve discovered so much about myself through these dating experiences. I’ve learned what I want, what I’m willing to tolerate, what I deserve, and what I believe. I know that dating isn’t always like this for people, but for me it really has been a journey in self-discovery. Even in the moments of pain and when someone breaks my heart, I am able to learn something from that experience and I want to believe that I am a better person because of those lessons.

Not every guy I was writing about in previous versions of my book are life lessons, but many of them are. Some of the guys can be grouped into one lesson and some guys have multiple lessons. But I feel like there is a great way to organize these lessons where it doesn’t require a specific pattern or even a conclusion. They can just be a collection of stories and what I learned about myself and it doesn’t need me to have a story that is about how I fell in love, got married, and had my happily ever after. It would be great to have that story, but that’s not what I feel this book needs to be about. It’s not about how I met my perfect guy, it’s about my experience dating. And having it about the lessons allows me to focus on that instead of the overall journey.

I’ve only started working on this new version, so I don’t have much done. But just getting the lessons down and connecting which guys represent which story has given me a lot of clarity about what this book could be. And I have shared the idea with a few friends and I think they agree that this is a better idea if I want to possibly publish the book. The funny and crazy stories might only connect with people who know me in real life. But life lessons should be able to connect with those outside my social circle and might be something that others would be interested in reading.

I know I have written before how I feel like I finally found what this book should be and I keep changing it. But I do feel like this is a bit different. I almost have a sense of relief and peace with the idea and feel less pressure that I don’t have to rely on what dates may happen in the future to figure out if the book is done. And even if I change things up again and decide that this is not the right version, I think this will actually benefit me quite a bit. There are still some situations I’ve been in where I haven’t figured out the lesson just yet. This will force me to look at what happened and try to see what I can learn. And those new lessons will just keep helping me become the best version of myself.

Hopefully one day this book is done and I can share it with the world. I know my dating experience isn’t necessarily the most unique, but there are people who haven’t gone through what I have gone through and I’d love to be able to share what I have learned and what I know with them.

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Another Dating App Ban (or This Is What Makes Me Over Things)

Posted on May 14, 2019 | Comments Off on Another Dating App Ban (or This Is What Makes Me Over Things)

Pretty much since I started online dating again, I’ve had friends ask me if I was sick of it or over the dating app thing. When I started, I answer was honestly that I was not because it was still all exciting and new to me. I hadn’t used dating apps in a while before starting up about 2 years ago and apps were very different from what I experienced before.

As time went on, the same questions came up and I was still not really over it. I had some pretty negative experiences but the positive ones still outweighed them. I wasn’t even getting frustrated with being ghosted because I think the novelty of everything was still there. Once I started working on my book, I think that helped me stay in that same mindset. All the moments that probably would have made someone else want to delete their apps became awesome stories for my book. I think having that book in mind really has helped me keep my sanity in what should be an overwhelming and potentially negative situation.

There have been plenty of things that have made me very angry with online dating. But I’ve realized most of them were situations I had happen multiple times and the first few times they were funny. The more often they happened the more annoying they became. And I experienced one of those this past weekend.

I was going on Tinder to go through my matches and message some of the guys I had been texting with. I was trying to make plans to meet for coffee with a guy so I wanted to get things planned out and ready for that evening. But when I went to the app, I got this screen.

This isn’t the first time I have been banned from Tinder. It happened after I called out a married guy on there a while ago. I know that he had to have reported me for something because right after I mentioned him being married I got banned. I’m guessing he reported me for harassment or something and then I got banned. I did some research into how to get banned and multiple guys have to report you. So maybe all the married guys I called out reported me or maybe random guys randomly reported me because they didn’t like what I was saying. It made me wonder if Tinder actually reviews these reports or not because I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

When it happened before, I immediately reached out to Tinder for an answer and all they would tell me is that I violated the terms of the app. I read those terms multiple times and I still have no clue what I did wrong. But there was no fighting it because they refused to help me. I did open a new account so I could get back online, but I lost all the matches I had on that first account.

When this happened again, it was a complete shock. The only messages I had been sending were to find out what part of LA guys lived in or to find out their schedule. There was definitely nothing I did in a message that was against the rules. I had also recently had a date with a guy that I didn’t want to see again, but nothing was said in the app or in person that would have been something I could get banned for. Tinder has not been responding to my messages trying to find out what happened and it’s so frustrating.

Having something happen like this has made me feel more over online dating than anything else. I had been putting in work to try to meet guys on the app and it was taken away with no explanation and no way to reach out to guys I was speaking to. It’s so frustrating that if I was to go back onto Tinder that I would be starting over again. I know a fresh start can be a good thing, but not when you didn’t want to have one. I felt like I had been making progress and now I’m back to the beginning.

I still have other apps that I’m on so I’m not leaving online dating, but it has made me wonder how much longer I could do this if there is a risk of this happening again. Fortunately with the apps I’m still using I know the employees review any reports and I know I’m not breaking any rules. So if guys were falsely reporting me for something, hopefully my profile wouldn’t be removed. And I am still having fun dating and I don’t know of ways to meet guys in person so I am motivated to keep going. But having a moment like this is a reminder of the fine line I’m balancing between having fun on the apps and being over them.

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The Power Of My Voice (or Even More Closure)

Posted on April 24, 2019 | Comments Off on The Power Of My Voice (or Even More Closure)

A month ago, I wrote about how almost every month I learn something new about myself through my adventures in dating. And of course, I’ve learned another thing recently. And it is actually something I learned through the same guy I was writing about before. He is someone I was seeing on and off for a while but he is now engaged. He has continued to message me saying how he was confused and wanted to talk. While I felt like I had the closure I needed, I also couldn’t deny him the same. I know I don’t owe anything to anyone, but I can’t help it.

When we saw each other, he panicked and freaked out. He said he wanted to leave and while I didn’t want to hold him hostage I also didn’t want to lose this chance. I don’t plan on seeing him again because I have moved on and don’t care what he does with his life. He is the one who is still confused. It’s unfortunate since he is the one getting married soon, but I can’t control what he wants to do with his life. If he feels like he needs or wants to get married but is still confused about it, that’s on him. And I wanted to finally have the talk in person that we have been avoiding for a while.

He didn’t do much talking, but I did. Most of the things I said to him were things I have said to him over text. It was mainly about how he hurt me and how I have had to move on. I mentioned how I couldn’t forget what he did and how he was a coward in failing to be honest to me. I wasn’t trying to be mean or harsh, just truthful in what I felt and thought. I know it wasn’t nice and he didn’t like hearing what I had to say, but if he wasn’t going to talk about what he wanted to talk about I was going to talk about what I wanted to say.

He eventually left without saying much more than that he was sorry and that he couldn’t talk. He left very shook up by what I was saying and it surprised me to see that. I wasn’t saying things he didn’t know already. But I realized that every time he heard that from me in the past it was over text. Since he previously knew me as sweet and gentle (how I normally am in real life), maybe he was reading those messages from me with that same vibe. But hearing me say it and how strong I was being probably made him realize I wasn’t kidding before. Hearing the words come out of me most likely hit him in a different way than he had experienced before.

So much of our communication these days is over text. Not just with dating, but with work and personal stuff too. Even with my day job, I get more customers using our online chat system than phone calls. Texts are so much easier to do sometimes and they allow people to multi-task. But it also can lead to confusion since there is a lack of tone over text. While I feel like missing the tone usually leads to a text sounding worse than it really is, in this case with this guy it seems like it made it seem better. My feelings and thoughts were probably not taken seriously because my tone was missing. At least now I know that he knows exactly what I meant and if he is still confused that is completely on him. I cannot force him to be clear in what he wants, all I can do is make sure that I make myself clear. And that’s what I did.

Since meeting up with that guy, I have been more aware of when I send a text instead of calling or saying something in person. I know that not everyone likes to talk on the phone, but I can at least make an effort if I feel like something would be better over the phone. And some people will answer or will text if they can’t talk asking if they can call back later. I’m being extra cautious about what I text to someone and am going that extra step to call when I’m not totally sure if my tone would come across. It might be a silly thing, but realizing how little someone understood what I meant over text has made me so aware of making sure that it doesn’t happen again. It’s not about things as seriously as they were with this guy, but I’m still glad when I feel like someone knows what I’m saying and what I feel about it.

Obviously I will still do a ton of texting since that is much easier than calling and a lot of things can be said over text with no issues. But realizing the power of my voice with this one guy made me realize that I don’t appreciate that power enough and I should use it more often.

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Being Hurt And Finding Closure (or Still Finding Out More About Myself Through Dating)

Posted on March 28, 2019 | 1 comment

I feel like every month I write a post about things that I’ve learned through dating. I still find it crazy that I have learned so much about myself through how I am treated in the dating world. While I don’t use that to determine things about myself, it shows me things about myself that I might not have realized. And this just keeps happening over and over again.

I think part of why this is happening so often is because I am dating so often. When I was in my 20’s, I rarely dated. I wasn’t active on apps and I think I was probably being too picky. I would refuse a second date if I couldn’t see things going far. Now, while I’m still picky I’m also more open-minded. I will give a guy a second chance if I wasn’t sure about them. I’ve been open to meeting guys that I am not totally sure about and I’m not putting as much pressure on myself about dating as I did before.

My goal is still to find someone who I want to build a life with, but I also know that I might not know from the first date if someone has that potential. There are guys I met that I had pretty mediocre first dates with that ended up being really great guys. Sometimes there are just nerves or other factors that make the first date not the most accurate way to judge someone.

And yes, I’m having fun. I still have bad dates, but I find positives out of those dates. I would say a majority of the time I do have fun even if the particular date or guy isn’t fun.

But I have also made myself vulnerable to being hurt and have had to experience that a few times. Being hurt is not fun and I am working on figuring how to handle it better each time that it happens. I’m getting much better at dealing with being ghosted. I still hate it and think it’s so immature when guys can’t just say they don’t want to see you again, but I also realize that their decision to ghost has very little to do with me.

I’ve also had to deal with someone who hurt me much more than just ghosting me coming back into my life through texting. I am not dating them again nor do I plan to. He is engaged and has been reaching out to me to talk about some things. He has said he misses me and is confused, but that is his problem and not mine. While I do respond to his messages with honest answers, I do not reach out to him or start conversations with him. I keep telling him that he needs to discuss these issues with his fiancĂ©e and not me. He has brought up a lot of things from our past and we had some very intense texting discussion. But it has helped me find some closure.

When things ended between me and this guy, I was blindsided and couldn’t understand why. I still don’t understand a lot of what happened, but I have learned that because I didn’t give this guy an ultimatum about what we were he didn’t think I wanted to keep dating. Yes, I probably could have been more forceful about what I want, but I shouldn’t have to do that. If that is what this guy needed from me, I clearly am not the right girl for him.

In that same discussion with this guy, I came to another realization. I never thought much about the idea of need vs want for dating. But I realized this guy wants to be with someone who needs him (or at least acts like they need him). He wants someone who will be grateful for every little thing they do and he wants to feel like their life wouldn’t be what it is without him. But to me, I think wanting someone is so much stronger than needing someone. I will never need a guy to be a complete person. I want to find someone who adds to my life. I want to find someone who I want to create a life with. I want to find someone who makes my life better, but doesn’t make my life happen. If a guy is looking for a girl who needs them, then they aren’t the guy for me.

Coming to the realization of need vs want was a big one for me. After this guy told me he never knew I wanted to keep seeing him, I started to wonder what would have happened if I had been more upfront and forceful about things. Now I know that there is no way things would have worked out for us. This gave me so much closure. There is no question in my head that he was never the guy for me. Maybe if we kept seeing each other we would have dated for a while, but there is no way that we would have ended up together. I can never be the type of girl who will act like she needs someone.

I understand that never being someone who will act like they need another person might limit the guys who are interested in me. But I’m ok with that. I do not want to have to put on an act to make someone else happy. I was raised to be strong and independent. I think those are good qualities to have. And I don’t think I need to make myself less of a strong or independent person to find someone. I will find someone who loves those qualities in me and will appreciate it.

And the idea of need vs want goes both ways. I do not want to meet a guy who acts like he needs me. I want someone to want me. I want someone who also is independent and has their own life as well. I do not want my life to be all about another person nor do I want their life to be all about me.

While I will probably never be happy that this guy hurt me the way that he did, I do have to be a bit grateful for everything that happened. I still wish it ended a different way because there was no need for it to end as negatively as it did. But I also don’t know if I would have still discovered the same things about myself if it ended better. And now that I understand what type of relationship I truly want or could provide to someone else, I feel like I can put some focus on that idea. I don’t know how to put that into action just yet, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

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Still Finding New Life Lessons With Dating (or Some Skills I’m Proud Of And Some I’m Not Sure About)

Posted on February 19, 2019 | Comments Off on Still Finding New Life Lessons With Dating (or Some Skills I’m Proud Of And Some I’m Not Sure About)

It still surprises me that I’m learning new things all the time with all the adventures I have with dating. I would love to be done learning, but even if I found the person I wanted to spend my life with I feel like I would still learn new things about myself. But with dating, I seem to find new life lessons in the uncomfortable parts of life and that’s probably a good thing for me. I had 2 realizations over the past few days about dating that could potentially be beneficial for me in life.

The first one is one that I knew I needed to learn and that was how to get over feeling heartbroken or betrayed. I’ve talked about this before and said how I wished that dating rejection felt like the rejections I get with acting. For some reason, I can get over not booking a job pretty easily but I can’t get over being rejected or ghosted the same way. I never would want to learn how to get over feeling so upset over something ending or not happening, it is something I need to learn how to do.

I feel like there is only one person who has gotten close to breaking my heart. They took advantage of my openness and betrayed me and I didn’t think I would ever give them a second chance. But I did and they hurt me even more than they did the first time. I know that his rejection had very little to do with me and was a lot about issues he has, but it still brought up feelings that I don’t deal with well. While I know I am worthy of being loved, having someone close to me tell me otherwise while I was growing up is stuck in my head. And when I was rejected I immediately went to the thought that I was stupid for thinking I deserved to be treated the way I wanted. I know I didn’t deserve what I got, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes.

I shared my feelings in a dating Facebook group that I’m in and I am so grateful for the women in that group because they really helped me work out some things. And they also had amazing advice. A few people recommended the Mend app, and I decided to download it and give it a chance.

While Mend is meant for getting over a breakup, it really helped me a lot with my feelings of being betrayed. And one of the things a friend helped me realize was that my feelings also had a lot to do with me having to accept that I will not have the answers I want. And Mend went into this idea a lot too! I only did the free 7 days, but I’m debating about trying it longer because it really got me into a better mindset about rejection with dating.

And I got to experience this new mindset this past weekend when I had a second date with someone. He and I seemed to really connect and get along and things were going well. But then it was like there was a switch that went off and he immediately said he had to leave. I don’t know what happened (and I have gone over things in my head a few times to see if I can think of something), but whatever happened was something that clearly made him want to end the date. He said it had nothing to do with me, but I really don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again. I did text him since that date, but I’ve heard nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m about to be ghosted.

I hate being ghosted because if I’m not interested in seeing someone again I will tell them and not leave them wondering. But I know that not everyone is willing to be honest about that. Being ghosted sucks and there have been other guys I’ve gone out with a few times that have ghosted me and really hurt me. But this time, I don’t care as much as I did before. If he’s going to ghost me, there’s not reason I should worry about it because I don’t want to date someone who would treat anyone that way. It’s so weird to not be worried about if he will text me again or not, but I also love it since this is what I’ve wanted to figure out for so long!

While dealing with being hurt and rejected is a really good life skill to have, this other thing I figured out this weekend isn’t necessarily as good. When I started dating again a few years ago, I tolerated some really horrible dates. I didn’t want to be rude and leave a date that I was not enjoying so I suffered through them. I always want to be polite and staying through a bad date seemed like the polite thing to do.

I’ve been getting better at leaving dates that I’m not enjoying, but it’s usually because I find a good way to have an out. Either the guy will say something that is really offensive and I feel like I can walk out or I can have a reasonable excuse to leave. I know that I don’t need an excuse and I should be able to just walk out, but I haven’t gotten to that point yet.

But I did have another date recently that I was able to leave quickly even without a good excuse. I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to meet this guy, but I decided to go for it because some people just aren’t good over text. And when we met up, I immediately knew that my gut was right and this date was a waste of time. Fortunately, I usually plan first dates to be something I can easily escape like getting coffee or a drink (even though I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol). This time, I was supposed to meet him for a drink, but it was so crowded that we went for a walk instead.

We only walked about 2 blocks and it felt like miles. The date was horrible, the conversation was going nowhere, and I was just wanting to go home. When we walked past where I parked my car, I told him that my car was parked in that lot and that I needed to head home. I think he wasn’t really enjoying the date either so I didn’t have to give him an excuse, but if I needed to I would have just said I wasn’t feeling chemistry. The date only lasted 10 minutes and I was so grateful to be out of there.

I don’t know if getting out of bad dates is necessarily a good life skill, but I can see how it could be. By trying to always be polite, I’ve put myself in situations that I wanted to get out of and felt stuck in. I need to learn to stand up for myself and not be afraid to be a bit rude if I know I need to leave. It’s still a fine line between being willing to be rude to leave and learning to tolerate things I have to, but I’m getting better at finding that line.

I am glad I have gotten better at dealing with rejection since that is something that I have wanted to work on for so long. I know that I will still struggle with it from time to time, but I am happy I have a resource I know I can turn to when I need help. And if I do continue to use Mend, perhaps I will continue to build that skill set so the next time I’m rejected I will hear those ideas louder than the voice in my head telling me I don’t deserve love or respect.

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Celebrating My Friendship Love (or I Don’t Hate Valentine’s Day)

Posted on February 14, 2019 | Comments Off on Celebrating My Friendship Love (or I Don’t Hate Valentine’s Day)

I know that there are many single people who hate Valentine’s Day. I completely understand why people might feel that way. It’s a weird holiday that doesn’t mean a lot to people who are in relationships. But when you are single, you are bombarded with the idea that you should be coupled up and you are somehow missing out on something by being single.

I’ve never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. Last year, I actually ended up having a date that night, but it wasn’t until later we realized it was Valentine’s Day. We only planned something because we both happened to be free that evening. So it was more of a date on Valentine’s Day and not a Valentine’s Day date. But it didn’t mean more to me than a date on any other night.

And this year, as always, I’m single. I’m dealing with being betrayed by someone who I thought cared about me which isn’t that fun, but I’m getting so much support from my friends and that is what matters more to me than any guy that I have dated.

So this year on Valentine’s Day, I want to celebrate the love I have from my friends. I am so incredibly grateful and lucky to have the friends that I have in my life. They are amazing and so supportive and I don’t know what I would do without them. When I’m upset about anything, even if it’s something really stupid, I know I can call someone and they will be able to talk me down.

With this recent betrayal by a guy, I’ve had friends remind me that I am lovable and worthy of so much more than what I was getting. They also helped me realize that a lot of the hurt that I am feeling is not about what this guy did to me, but the fact that I will never get answers or the closure that I would like. I am the type of person who will research something until I understand it completely. I will never understand why this person decided to hurt me or what made them see me as not worthy of being treated how I deserve to be treated. And letting go of the idea of wanting the answers is tough and I’m working through that.

But my friends also support me in the silly problems I have. When I was stressed out about my procedure with my dermatologist, I was going down a bit of a spiral thinking I was about to ruin my face. A friend reminded me that there are so many plastic surgery options for me if the scar was horrible and if it did create a divot in my face that I could always get fillers done. That’s not something I could do for a while, but just having someone remind me that this does not have to be the end of the road if I’m not happy with the results was enough to calm me down and help me remember that I was making the right decision.

And of course, I try to be there as much for my friends (if not more) than they are there for me. But I still feel like I don’t do enough considering how much they help me out and how often they remind me of things that I need to be reminded about. I know that I have mental health issues that make me think I’m not worthy and I can go to a dark place. It’s never that horrible, but it’s not a good place to be. And my friends never hesitate to help me out when I have those moments. They are never annoyed that it happened again or that they have to tell me something they have told me multiple times before.

While I have had a great example of what a successful relationship looks like from my parents, I also feel like I have been given examples of that as well through my friends. I know that being with someone romantically is different from being platonic, but I have learned how I should be treated by how my friends treat me. I have learned how to have a supportive and balanced relationship through those friendships. And I am hopeful that when I do find the guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with, I will be able to remember the relationships with my friends and use those as guidelines for how that relationship should be.

I’m writing this early enough that there is still potential for me to have a date tonight (although I don’t know if I want to go out with stitches in my face), but that doesn’t matter. If I’m spending tonight alone at home watching tv, that’s fine. While Valentine’s Day doesn’t really matter to me as a holiday, I am using it as a good excuse to be grateful for the love I do have in my life and remembering how lucky I am.

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Reaching A New Audience (or Laughing At My Dating Adventures)

Posted on January 23, 2019 | Comments Off on Reaching A New Audience (or Laughing At My Dating Adventures)

I’ve shared a bit about my online dating adventures on here in the past. I’ve also shared about how I am working on a book about dating and the stories that I have. I love sharing my stories because most of them are so ridiculous that I want other people to get some entertainment out of it. Or some are lessons that I’ve learned that I want to share so others don’t have to go through the same things that I have. I’ve been very open about dating and I hope that the people who read my posts about it are enjoying them.

Whether or not they are enjoying them, I know my friends see that I post about dating. So when a friend of mine saw that his friends were starting a new podcast about dating and they were looking for guests with fun stories, my friend told me about it immediately. I messaged the hosts and gave them a few different stories of things that have happened and they loved them! They asked me for my availability and I was able to record 2 episodes of their podcast this past weekend.

I don’t have a ton of information about the podcast as it hasn’t launched yet, but I promise to share it when I have it. But it is a podcast that is all about dating and the situations that people find themselves in. Each episode is about a general topic but someone might have multiple stories about that topic to share. The 2 episodes that I recorded were about cheaters and nude photos or other over the top sexual messages that I get.

I was very happy to share my stories about both topics. I was especially excited to share my stories about cheaters because they are some of my funniest stories. It’s been very easy to find out if a guy isn’t single based on information they post on their profiles. I usually can figure it out with a very quick search. The last cheater I caught didn’t have a ton of information about him in his profile, but based on his name and employer I found his employer’s Instagram account and their most recent picture was of him and his fiancĂ© congratulating them on their engagement. Of course I called him out on it and he immediately blocked me. I have no problem with calling out guys because they should know that we are going to find out they are cheating and that it might come back to their significant other.

I also wanted to share how I used to not want to look guys up online before going out with them because I didn’t want to have to act like I didn’t know anything about them. But I learned that it was in my best interest to look them up to see if they were not single (or lying about who they are) and there is a way to do it without learning too much about them. I know other friends who have struggled with the idea of Googling a guy before a date, but I think there is a middle ground between not looking them up and stalking them online. And that middle ground allows you to confirm they are who they have told you they are.

Sharing those stories was so fun and the hosts were pretty entertained by the cheaters I’ve caught and how some guys really don’t think they are doing anything wrong. And they also had their own stories to share which I loved hearing about.

The second episode I recorded that day was about the things that guys send to me that are no necessarily appropriate. It’s shocking what some guys will send thinking that it will intrigue you and not disgust you. I don’t think there is any reason to send someone an unsolicited nude photo, and many of these guys send photos that include their face. I would never share a photo that someone sent to me, but I wonder if there are people out there who would use that photo to try to harm or blackmail them. One guy who sent a photo to me that included his face is a teacher, and I know that if someone shared that photo it could ruin his career. I’m always surprised when I get a message like that, but I guess these guys have either found one woman who it worked on or it’s never worked but they are hoping their luck with change.

And just like with the cheating stories, the hosts had a few stories to share about weird messages too. Neither of them have stories as crazy as mine, but I don’t think either of them have been doing online dating as long as I have (and for the male host, I really doubt most women send nude photos as an opening line). We tried to be sensitive and not shaming to the guys who write some of the creepy things to me, but at the same time we just couldn’t get over some of the messages I get and how creeped out we were.

I’ve only done a few podcast interviews, and with every one I feel like I talk too much. I felt the same way with these interviews, but I also knew I had so much more I could have said. I tried to write some notes before I went to the interview so I wouldn’t forget any stories and I didn’t get to share them all. But I think I might be asked back to the podcast to share stories about another topic and I would love to get to do that.

I’ve had some friends ask me how I don’t get annoyed or pessimistic about dating because I’ve had so many bad and weird stories to share. I think what keeps me sane and encourages me to keep going is having outlets to share the stories on. I love sharing them on here and writing the stories for my book. And now I’ve had the chance to share them with a new audience in a new format and I can’t wait to be able to share the links to the episodes when they are live!

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