Posted onJuly 29, 2022|Comments Off on I Should Start Focusing On Acting Again (or It’s Been A Crazy Few Years)
Recently, a friend asked me if I planned to pursue acting again. I wasn’t offended by the question, but to me, I never really stopped pursuing it. But I also know I haven’t been doing the same things I used to do. And because it seems like time moves faster each year, I haven’t really focused on acting as much as I probably should have for the past 2 1/2 years. And I know that there have been a few reasons why.
When the pandemic hit, everything shut down. Nobody knew when there would be acting work or what was going to happen. And at the same time, the agent that I have been with for the entire time I have had an agent sold the agency to someone new. They were going to take over the agency and keep the same client list, but of course, things got crazy since nothing was happening. I know we were supposed to meet with the new agent and get things underway, but that was all postponed. And I really wasn’t worried about making that happen since I had so much else on my mind.
For so much of 2020, I was focused on figuring out my work situation. I had reduced hours and then lost my job like so many other people. And when I was out of work, my main focus was to get a new job. And once I did get a new job, my focus was getting through my training and to be working so I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to pay my bills. At that time, there still weren’t vaccinations available for everyone, so I also knew that if I had any in-person auditions or booked work, it would be a risk for me. I was still doing some self-tape auditions, but I really didn’t have that much going on. But I wasn’t worried since it seemed like everyone else was in the same boat as me and nobody was auditioning or working the same way they used to.
I don’t have a great excuse for why I wasn’t focused on acting again right after I got vaccinated, but I did look into getting some new headshots and possibly looking at talking to other agents. That didn’t happen, and then last summer was when I found out that my landlord was selling and I got into searching for a condo. And from the time that I started that search until just recently, the condo was the big focus of my life. Finding a new place, planning the renovation, and moving took up a lot more mental energy than I expected. And at the same time, I was dealing with some work changes that also took more focus than I expected. I wasn’t expecting to take this much time without a big focus on acting, but that’s how things happened and I can’t really go back and change anything.
And I know I’ve said this before, but I really do want to get back to being more serious about my career. I know I need new headshots, so I want to figure out a good time to get those done (and save up the money for them). I know that it would be good to get back into class, but I haven’t found one that I’m interested in just yet. And I have to work around my work schedule and so many classes would be during work time for me. I am still doing my self-submissions every day and trying to be productive as much as possible, but I know it’s not enough. So I also need to decide if I want to stay with my agent or consider trying to find a new one. Finding an agent isn’t easy, and it can be even harder now that things still aren’t fully back to normal. But it might be smart to look into options so I can make some good decisions about what I want my next steps to look like.
I know that it might not look like I’ve been pursuing acting for the past few years, but that’s not really how I’ve seen it. I know that it does look different and I haven’t done everything that I could, but I always do keep it in mind. But I need to do more than just keep it in mind and really get back on track and push forward. I know I need to do that or else before I know it another few years will pass me by.
Posted onJuly 28, 2022|Comments Off on Still Panicking More At The Dentist (or Working On Staying Calm When I Can)
My panic issues at the dentist have been happening for as long as I can remember. But it seemed for a while that things were finally getting better. I still hated having to go and would be very fearful of what bad news I might hear, but I was managing things a lot better and didn’t feel like I was having a big panic attack like I used to. For a while, I think the fear of getting sick combined with my usual dental concerns were making things worse. But I can never be sure and I just had to tolerate things the best that I could.
I was back at the dentist this week. I had my normal cleaning plus I needed to do the x-rays that I didn’t do the last time I was there. I should have made a note in my calendar that I was doing x-rays as well because I honestly forgot that I was going to do those until I got there. Doing x-rays always adds to my panic because that’s when the dentist can really see if there are any issues that need to be fixed. But they have to be done and I know avoiding anything at the dentist just means that it will be worse for me down the line.
I was quickly brought back to do my x-rays and the process was ok. I don’t like the devices you have in your mouth while doing them, so I always ask the assistant to tell me when I can take them out of my mouth so I don’t have to wait on them. There were a few issues with some of the x-rays needing to be redone, but it wasn’t that bad. Then I was supposed to see the dentist to review the x-rays and start the cleaning.
But I guess there was an issue with another patient taking much longer than expected because there was some juggling around to put people in the right place and I had to wait a bit longer than normal to meet with the dentist. This was a bit different than what it’s been like recently since they haven’t had multiple patients in the office at one time due to the pandemic. But there was only one other person so it wasn’t like it was crowded. And fortunately, because my dentist knows how bad my panic attacks are, she looked at my x-rays and came over to tell me that there were no cavities or anything else to worry about before she went back to finish up with the other patient. That was a nice thing for her to do so I didn’t have to keep waiting and freaking out that I would be told something horrible. It also didn’t help that I had an extremely creepy bad tooth dream the night before and that was freaking me out.
Once it was finally time for my cleaning, the dentist confirmed with me again that everything was looking ok with my teeth. Nothing needed to be repaired and there was no damage that was concerning. I still have the same issues with my teeth that I always do and that makes my cleanings a bit more intense than a normal cleaning, but it wasn’t worse than what my cleanings are normally like. And even though I was shaking and panicking throughout the cleaning, I just tried to focus on breathing and I do other things to try to distract my mind. I knew that there was nothing wrong with my teeth, but I still worry that something will be discovered that wasn’t seen before. I don’t think my panic goes away until I’m getting up from the chair and heading to the front to pay.
I don’t know if or when my panic attacks at the dentist will start getting better again. I don’t know what it will take to put me at ease again because I think I will always fear that I will need something major done. And that is my reality because when you have genetically bad teeth, it’s not if but when that will happen. But I do know that I’m doing pretty much everything I can to prevent that or to make sure that the major work isn’t worse than it needs to be. I guess I will see in 4 months before my next appointment how bad my panic attacks are and continue to do what I need to do and hope for the best!
Posted onJuly 27, 2022|Comments Off on Making Sure I Make It To Union Meetings (or Sometimes I Can’t Help My Schedule)
With my box office job, I didn’t really worry too much about when I might need to be on a phone call or Zoom for a union meeting. Of course, I wished I could go to those in person, but at least that job was easy enough to make sure I could be on the phone to attend. And since the pandemic, all the meetings are virtual so I’m not missing out on anything. But I’m only doing that job a few hours a day now since it’s no longer my main job.
And for my current main day job, I have a lot of different meetings and calls I need to be on. Most days, I have at least one meeting. And they do work around different appointments and conflicts that I have, but it’s not always perfect. Especially when a lot of team members need to be on one call. And that’s what happened the last time I was supposed to be attending the LA Local Communications committee meeting. It was during an all-team meeting and I knew that I had to be on my work meeting. There just wasn’t a way around that. And while I hated missing a union meeting, I knew there would be notes after that I could review.
So I was glad that when the next committee meeting was announced and it was not during a time that I had to be at a work meeting. It was right after one of my work meetings, but there wasn’t any overlap so that was pretty lucky. And while I did still have to continue working while I was in the meeting, I did try to pay as much attention as I could so I didn’t miss too much about what was going on.
A lot of the meeting was going over things that happened at the last meeting, so I was catching up. I wasn’t working on any particular projects or tasks since I missed that meeting, so I didn’t have any news or updates to share. But it was good to hear what other people have been working on and to get ideas for things that I might want to present to the committee in the future. We also went over preparations for our next meeting where there will be a union staff member available to answer questions. So we are supposed to come up with questions we think other members would like to know. I have some time to think about this, so I want to make sure I think of some good ones.
I know that I was quiet during this last meeting because I missed the last one and wanted to hear what had been happening, but I do tend to be very quiet during all the committee meetings I’ve been a part of. I think part of this is due to not feeling confident about the information I might think I know or the questions I would ask. I do try to stay educated as much as I can about various union issues, but I know there is so much that I don’t know about. I know that everyone has to start somewhere and I shouldn’t be embarrassed if something I say is wrong, but it’s easier to know that than it is to act that way. And maybe my time on committees now will be more about educating myself and understanding things and hopefully I will be invited on committees again and I can take more action. While this isn’t the first time I’m on a committee, it still feels different this time. And being on a local committee is different from a national committee, so I think that’s something else I’m working through.
I want to try to be a bit more vocal and participate more when we have our next committee meeting, but I know that might not happen. All I can do is to continue to learn, do my research, and be as prepared as I can for each meeting. And hope that the next meeting won’t conflict with a work meeting.
Posted onJuly 26, 2022|Comments Off on Busy Building New Things (or At Least Some Of This Was Easy)
I’m pretty familiar with building different things for my home. I have done this as long as I have lived alone and had to build different storage things for my college dorm. I’ve gotten so many things over the years from places like Ikea, Target, and Amazon that require to be put together and I feel like I have gotten pretty good at doing that. Sometimes, it does require a second person, but usually I can figure out a way to do it on my own. Sometimes that means I’m holding things up in weird ways, but I’m always really proud of myself when I complete a project and I have something new in my place.
I have had to build some random things for my new place, but I haven’t had to do a lot since so much was done in the remodel. I used to have to build things for storage or organization because my old place lacked it, but the new place has been much easier to set up. But that doesn’t mean it was perfect. And we didn’t want to ask the contractor to build things that I knew I could get at a box store and could likely put together myself. And that’s what I’ve been doing most weekends.
I’ve been searching online for the perfect things that I wanted to get, and I waited until the floors were done before I ordered things. And now, they have been coming in.
The first thing that I built was actually 2 different pieces. I wanted to turn the closet in my office/guest room into a bit of a pantry or storage area. At my old house, I had the utility room that I used for this idea. I would mainly store things like extra cleaning supplies, toiletries, and my tools. And I didn’t have a great place already set up in the new place to do that, so I wanted to build some shelving. There were a few ideas of what to build, but I settled on some nicer-looking storage shelves. I didn’t like the idea of just wire shelves, and I found a strong shelving system that looks a lot more finished and complete than a lot of what I found online. I ordered 2 units because I wanted to fill half of the closet.
They arrived about a week apart, so I build one before the other. And despite some of the reviews online saying they were hard to put together, they were pretty simple. I finished the first one in about 20 minutes and the second one only took a bit longer because I wanted to make sure I got the shelves to match. But I think they look exactly what I was looking for now that they are in place.
I still need to organize the shelves a bit better, but this got a lot of stuff out of boxes that I’ve had on the floor and that makes me very happy. And when my parents are visiting me this fall, my dad will help me make these a bit safer by attaching them to the wall so they won’t fall over if there is an earthquake.
And this past weekend, I worked on a new bookcase for my living room. I will be using this as a way to display different things I have and not really for books, but I wanted something to help to fill out my living room space. Originally, I was going to get a new entertainment center, but the ones I was liking were very expensive and would be something I would need to take time to save for. So I got this bookcase knowing that it might be moved to a different spot eventually, but it would be a good thing to have for now.
This build ended up taking much longer. It didn’t come with instructions, so I had to find them online to figure it out. And I don’t know how I did this, but I actually built it incorrectly. It’s fine the way that it is, but each side was flipped. So where the shorter section is now is where the longer one should be. I think it’s fine that it’s this way, but I think it’s pretty funny that I managed to do that. And once it was completed, I got it next to my tv so I could see how it looks. I still need to move the tv a bit further over (and get a new tv), but I think my living room looks a lot better!
I want to say that I don’t think I have any more things I need to build for a while. I will eventually have the bookcase bed for my office/guest room that my dad and I might try to put together, but that might also be something that needs to be done by a professional. I’m not going to worry about that for now since I won’t be ordering it for at least a few months. But even though I think now that I have no other projects to build, I know that something will probably come up and I’ll be doing another project soon enough.
Posted onJuly 25, 2022|Comments Off on Working Through Some Weakness (or Doing My Best In My Workouts)
This past week of workouts was a mix of good and bad. I wasn’t necessarily feeling off, but I was dealing with the effects of having a rough weekend. So I was a little weaker than normal and I had some moments of being lightheaded. It wasn’t as bad as my bad weeks go and I was still able to push myself quite a bit, but there were a few moments in each workout where I just had to stop and take it easy for a bit before I felt normal again.
Monday’s workout was a signature class. This time, it was the Inferno workout. Doing Inferno as a 3 group class is a bit different since it’s not a run/row, but you still get a lot of chances to push yourself.
For cardio, we had 2 blocks. The first block had intervals of base and push paces, but the base paces got longer each time and the push pace was always 1-minute long. And we ended with a 30-second push pace to a 30-second all-out. And the second block was the same idea but this time all the push paces were 30-seconds long. And we ended with the same 1-minute push to all-out.
The rower is the main part of the Inferno workout. We started with a 100-meter row and then we had lateral hops. I had to do them more like skater lunges, but I did get a little hop into them. And every time we went back to the rower, we increased the distance by 100-meters. The goal is to get as many meters as you can in 14 minutes. I didn’t have a real goal in my head since I didn’t have the information from the past 3 group Inferno classes I’ve done, but I felt like I did a pretty decent job.
And on the floor, we had 2 blocks. The first block had chest presses on the straps, chest flys with weights, and overhead tricep extensions. And the second block had low rows on the straps, reverse flys with weights, and hammer curls. And for the last minute, we had burpees and I used the bench as always for my hands.
On Wednesday, we had a repeat template, but I didn’t do this the first time it happened so it was new for me. It was originally before a benchmark run (which I didn’t do), so it was a prep for that benchmark. But even without having the benchmark coming up, it was a good endurance day for me on the bike.
For cardio, we had 2 blocks. The first block was a 6 1/2-minute distance challenge. We were supposed to keep things at one speed/resistance level and just see how far we could go. And in the second block, we did a 6-minute distance challenge with a 30-second all-out at the end. And the goal was to beat the first distance. Both times, I set my resistance level on the bike to be between my normal base and push paces. And I was very happy that I beat my first distance by quite a bit! Usually, it’s really close but this time I had a bigger difference than I can remember from challenges like this.
On the rower, we had 2 blocks and for both blocks it was all about 300-meter rows. We always had a 300-meter row and between each row we had a medicine ball exercise. In the first block, we had shoulder presses. And in the second block, we had tricep extensions. I have been going between the medicine ball I normally use and one that is a little heavier since I haven’t changed that in quite a long time. And while it is harder, that’s how it should be. I need to challenge myself more and push when I can. And that was the perfect way I could do that when I wasn’t feeling my absolute best.
And on the floor, we had one long block with mini-blocks within the big block. We did each mini-block 3 times before moving on. The first mini-block had goblet squats and jumps with back shuffles. I normally wouldn’t do a jump, but I decided to try it. I didn’t get a lot of distance and I stayed close to the ground, but I was able to do a bit of a jump each time. I did have the wall next to me to help with balance and I did need to use it quite a bit. But doing that is better than not trying a jump at all. But because I was doing the jumps and that took longer, I wasn’t able to get through all 3 rounds of the second mini-block. In that one, we had split stance deadlifts and lunges. And to finish the workout, we had plank jacks.
Thursday’s workout was a repeat from the 4th of July, so I had done it before. But I was happy to repeat this one since there were things I would be able to change about it. It was the workout where you could pick which of the options you wanted to do. I knew I would do a lot of it the same as the first time I did it because of some of my restrictions, but I did try to change it up when I could.
For cardio, we started with a .1 mile (.4 for me) distance with a 30-second walking recovery after. Then, we had the choice to either increase the distance by .1 (or .4) each round or increase the incline/resistance level by 1 each time. I picked increasing the distance since I didn’t want to get the resistance levels up too high. I kept my resistance level between my normal base and push paces, so it wasn’t too hard but there was a difference between when I was doing the distance challenge and when I was in the recovery.
For the rower, we had intervals of rowing and squats. And the options were to always do a 200-meter row and start with 6 jump squats and increase the squats each time or to start with a 100-meter row, do 6 regular squats, and then increase the row by 100-meters each time. I picked starting at 100-meters and increasing by 100-meters each time because I knew that adding more squats each round was going to be too tough on my hips.
And on the floor, the options were either a strength or a stability challenge. The first time I did it, I chose strength. But this time, I went with stability and knew I would have to just go slowly. I did have to modify the first exercise in the floor block because it was a lunge using the Bosu. I had to do regular lunges since I knew that there was no way I would be able to balance. Then we had bridge hold chest presses, hip bridges, and sit-ups; all while laying on the Bosu. That does involve stability, but it was more about core stability and not too much on my hips.
And by Friday, while I was still a little bit weak, I was very close to normal and took advantage of that. I still had moments when I needed to rest, but it was much better than the rest of the week.
For cardio, it was all about 30-second intervals. We had rounds of a 30-second push pace, 30-second all-out, and 45-second recovery. Each block had 4 rounds and in the first block the focus was going harder for each push pace and in the second block the focus was going harder for each all-out.
On the rower, we had a pyramid row. So we had a 200-meter, 400-meter, 600-meter, 400-meter, and 200-meter row. And between each row, we had medicine ball exercises. I modified them so they were just upper body work, so I had overhead presses and front presses and skipped the lunges and squats since I knew I would have some lunges and lower body work in the floor block. I did ok with my rows, but not great. I was working on the second 400-meter row when the block was done and I really was hoping to at least be working on the last 200-meter row before it was done.
On the floor, we had one long block with 3 mini-blocks in it. We did each mini-block twice before moving to the next one. We had close grip chest presses and low rows with weights, sumo deadlifts and lunges, and tricep extensions and concentration curls. I was just finishing the last round of the last mini-block before we finished with 30-seconds of lateral lunges to finish the workout.
I didn’t have the great week that I was hoping for, but I really am proud of what I did considering how I was feeling. And knowing that it wasn’t as bad as my bad weeks normally are helped me a lot. All I can hope for is to have a similar feeling this week and to know I did what I could no matter how I might feel.
Posted onJuly 22, 2022|Comments Off on Feeling More Like Myself (or I Know Getting Back On Track Takes Time)
As I wrote a few days ago, I was dealing with some really bad days with my eating disorder. They were rough and I really felt low, both mentally and physically. I knew that my eating disorder could affect me in really extreme ways, but I really hadn’t dealt with those issues until this past weekend. And even though I recognized that I was dealing with some bad days and working my way out of them, I knew it would likely take some time because things can’t always bounce back quickly.
Getting back to eating regularly was something I could start working on right away, but the effects of having a few days without eating well are still with me. I’m feeling weak from time to time and my food schedule is still off. I have used alarms in the past to remind myself to eat, but I don’t always use them. But I knew that I needed to set them back up now so I wouldn’t go through the day without thinking about it. I still don’t always eat when I know I should, but at least I am being reminded about mealtimes. And I do try to figure out something I could eat either when I should eat or have something ready to eat in an hour or so. I am lucky that I never had issues with remembering to drink water, so I haven’t had the side effects you can get from dehydration. But not eating well really takes a toll on your body and I am still feeling some of them.
I knew that feeling more rested would take longer. You can’t really catch up on missed sleep, plus I don’t have that many days I can sleep in each week. I really can only sleep in a bit on Tuesdays and Sundays, but because I get up so early every other day I rarely sleep in that late. But I have been making more of a conscious effort to get to bed sooner and not stay up late watching tv or doing other things. I know that my tv shows can wait until the next day or later that week, so if it’s time I should start getting ready for bed and I’m in the middle of a show, I’m better about just pausing it and turning off the tv. I can get back to them later and I know that getting more sleep will benefit me more in my life. And fortunately, the issues I was having with not being able to sleep or stay asleep have almost gone away. I do still wake up during the night occasionally, but I am not struggling as much as I did at the beginning of the week with falling asleep or going back to sleep. So even if I’m not getting as many hours of sleep as I should, it’s now more consistent sleep during the night.
But what I think is the most important part about getting back to feeling normal is that I am not being hard on myself. I can’t expect perfection, especially when I’m working on getting over some tough days. As much as I would have liked for it to be like a light switch and for things to instantly get better, I am being patient with myself and not looking at these lingering issues as reasons to give up. I know that I will get back to feeling normal eventually, but it will take time. And being upset with myself wouldn’t make things faster, so there’s no point in feeling that way.
Hopefully, I will just continue to feel more and more normal again and I don’t have any new setbacks, but I also know that additional setbacks are always possible. But I’m working on staying optimistic and doing what I can to get over the rough days I went through earlier this week so I can move on to better days.
Posted onJuly 21, 2022|Comments Off on A Few Days Of Working In Person With Others (or Helping To Train A Friend)
Recently, a friend of mine started to work for the same company as me. When she started, her job wasn’t directly connected to my work. But as she has been going through training and a few things have changed, she has started to work in the customer care department. Even though my new position with the company isn’t exactly in customer care, I still do a few hours each day covering that work until we have a few more team members. And since I have helped to train other employees, it made sense that I was asked to be a part of the team helping to train her.
The first part of the training was over Zoom because it was just going over a lot of the different spreadsheets and systems that the customer care team works with each day. I was a part of those Zoom sessions, but a lot of the time I was doing other work so I wasn’t fully able to participate in them. I tried to help however I could, but I know my focus was split and I wasn’t as involved as I would have liked to have been. But with the next stage of training, I knew there would be more opportunities to be a part of things.
After new team members are trained on the systems we work with and shadows while we work to see what it looks like to put everything together, the next phase of training is doing the work while you are supervised. So the new team member would be responding directly to our clients, but they would show their responses before they sent them so we could double-check everything. And I realized that even though this process has always happened over Zoom before since my friend only lives a few minutes from my house we could work together in person instead. So I made that offer to her, and she agreed it would be better to work side by side instead of over a screen. So for the past 2 days, I’ve been helping to train my friend while she has been over at my place.
I rarely get to work in person with another person. I’ve worked from home for so long and there’s no reason to work with any of my co-workers. Most of the days that I haven’t worked alone in the last several years have been when someone else happened to be in the same place as me, not because we were co-workers working in the same space. The last time I had a co-worker working next to me was when another friend of mine was observing my work so we could improve some of our systems. I do like working from home and I can’t imagine ever going into an office again for a day job (obviously, I can imagine going somewhere else for work if it was an acting job), but it can feel a bit lonely at times. I haven’t really felt that way too much, but during the worst of the pandemic, I was feeling very isolated and craved in-person connections. Now, I just celebrate these random times I work with someone else and they are something fun, rather than something that I have needed desperately in my life.
And getting to help to train my friend in person was really fun. She really had a good grasp on the work and the things I was pointing out or correcting were really tiny things that didn’t have to be changed. I know that this job has a lot of information to know about, but most of the work is only using a part of what we train on. But I totally get wanting to understand everything since I am the same way and I was happy to explain anything I could to help my friend feel more confident in her work. But I have no hesitation in my mind that when she’s working on her own, she’s going to do a great job.
I might work with my friend in person again in the next week or two when she’s starting to work alone. It can be easier to answer questions or help assist when you are in the same place and not doing it over text or Zoom. But even if we don’t work in the same space again, I’m glad we got to do this over the past few days because it really was something fun and different with my job.
Posted onJuly 20, 2022|Comments Off on A Rough Weekend For Me (or Working On Getting Back On Track)
I’ve been lucky that with my eating disorder recovery, I haven’t had that many extremes. Obviously, an eating disorder could be considered extreme on its own, but I know that some people have had struggles both with the eating disorder and recovery that are much worse than what I have gone through. I have had some tough days and struggles, but mostly they have been things I have been able to work through and they haven’t affected everything in my life like I know they could. But this past weekend, I had what I would consider one of the worst eating disorder weekends I’ve had since I have tried to get better.
Even though I have a binge eating disorder, the way it works sometimes makes it tough for me to eat. Part of that is just the nature of the eating disorder and part of that is my mind thinking that if I don’t eat it will help me lose weight. I know that you can’t be successful with weight loss if you are starving yourself, which is why I do try to eat at mealtimes even if I don’t feel like it. I know that not eating can backfire and cause me to have a really bad binge episode. But I don’t remember another time where not eating hasn’t resulted in me eating at some point. But that’s exactly what I went through the last few days.
On Saturdays, I don’t always eat breakfast. I try to, but it’s one of the only days I can sleep in a bit later because I don’t have a workout before work. So I can sleep until 7am instead of getting up at 5:45am. I don’t eat while working since I am on the phone, so I usually will have my first meal when I’m done with work at 11am. I guess that could be considered brunch, but it’s just when I get a chance to eat. This past Saturday, things distracted me and I just didn’t eat. I finally thought about it around 5pm, but I really wasn’t hungry. And I struggle to force myself to eat sometimes when I’m not hungry. I finally did force myself to eat something so I didn’t go the entire day without food, but it had been 24 hours since my last meal. I know that some people can do intermittent fasting, but I shouldn’t do that. And not eating much at all that day really affected me mentally and physically. I didn’t sleep well that night.
On Sunday, I tried to force myself to eat something when I got up but I couldn’t stomach eating anything. It wasn’t like I had food poisoning or something, I just had a block in my mind preventing me from eating. And then I got distracted with more things before I could try to fight that thought. Just like on Saturday, I didn’t think about eating again until close to dinnertime. Another 24 hours had passed and I still wasn’t able to eat much. I was able to eat more than Saturday, but it was less than what I know I need to have in a day to function. And again, I slept horribly on Sunday night and I was pretty tired when I went to my workout on Monday morning. My body was also starting to be affected by the lack of food and sleep and I just was in a rotten mood and struggling throughout the day.
I think realizing how badly I was doing on Monday was a reality check that I needed. I went to the grocery store after work and got foods that would be easy to turn into meals, including microwave dinners. I know they aren’t the healthiest options, but I also knew that having some food is better than no food. That might not be the advice everyone with a binge eating disorder gets, but I also knew some of my thoughts and reactions were not what I was used to with my eating disorder. They were closer to what some of my friends with anorexia say they went through. I don’t think my eating disorder is morphing because I was able to snap out of it, but I also think that different eating disorders are closer related than some people realize.
I’m glad that by yesterday, I was starting to do better. After eating a better meal on Monday night, I slept better that night. And on Tuesday, I was able to eat a little bit before work and planned out my meals that day. They aren’t what would be perfect and healthy meals, but they were meals and things that I know I would eat. And that’s exactly what I needed to do and what my focus needs to be on this week.
I’m not worried that this is something that will continue. I think I got a bit lazy with working on recovering and it caught up with me in a weird way. But, it was also a way to prove to myself that when I do have a setback like that, I don’t have to let it take over my life for a long time. I wish I didn’t have to deal with it all weekend, but I’m glad that it seems like I’m getting back on track this week. I don’t feel totally normal just yet, but I think I’m just dealing with some of the effects of having very little sleep over the weekend. But my food is much better and I know that I will continue to feel better.
I know I’m lucky I haven’t had to deal with something like this before, and I’m glad that I have built up enough skills and instincts to not let it get much worse. But it was also a good reminder that I’m still in the struggle with an eating disorder and have work to do before I feel like I’m recovered. And I feel a renewed focus on doing the work I know I need to do and hopefully seeing the results follow soon after.
Posted onJuly 19, 2022|Comments Off on Repeat Birthday Presents (or This Really Makes A Big Difference In My New Home)
Now that the renovation on my new place is finally done, the work I have left is the fun stuff like decorating and getting new furniture. I put off getting quite a few things since I didn’t want to have stuff in boxes all over my place while work was still happening. But I have been doing a lot of browsing online and saving links for things that I wanted to get. There are a few things that I will have to wait to get because I need to save up for them, but it’s been fun to plan things out.
One of the few things that I ordered ahead of time was a new couch. This was something that I wasn’t originally planning on getting. I thought I might add an armchair or something else to my living room, but when my parents saw how my old couch didn’t fit well into my new living room, they said we should at least go and look at new ones while they were visiting me. And we found something we could customize a bit so it would be perfect for my new living room.
My old couch was a birthday present from my parents back in 2014. It was really the perfect couch for me when I was living at my old place. Since it was such a small space, I had to be very careful with how things were set up and the size of anything I put in my home. I was very lucky to find such a perfect couch that fit everything that I needed and I loved how my living room looked in my old place.
But my new living room is several times larger than my old one, so when I had the movers move my couch, it really didn’t fit well. Even with the original plan to add an armchair, it just didn’t seem right. I couldn’t figure out why until someone pointed out that the color seemed off now. In my old place, the walls were a yellow-based white and my couch looked gray. In my new place, the walls are a blue-based white and the couch almost looked brown. It just didn’t fit and I figured I would just keep my old couch until I found something I liked. I didn’t think I’d find one while shopping with my parents, but that’s how it all turned out. I put the purchase on a store credit card because they had an offer for a gas card with the purchase, plus there would be no interest for a year so I would have more time to pay it off without having extra charges. But after I got that all set up, my parents said that they would like to help me pay for the couch for my birthday present this year. I think that is so generous of them and I love that I will still have a couch that is a birthday present!
Since I was going to have to delay the delivery of my new couch, I had some time to find a buyer for my old one. I posted about it online and a friend of a friend needed a new couch and was willing to pay close to what I was asking. I wasn’t trying to make a lot of money off of it, but I did want to get something for it. So taking a little less than asking was fine with me. The old couch was supposed to be picked up a few weeks ago. Originally, it wasn’t going to be here when my floors were redone. But the person buying it off of me was delayed, so it was here until this past weekend. I think that worked out perfectly because I was able to arrange for the delivery of the new one to also be this past weekend. And that way, I was only without a couch for 1 day instead of several weeks.
It was sad to see my old couch go since I did love it for so long. But I know that it wasn’t going to be the right thing to have in my living room to have the look I wanted. And I only had to be sad for a day before the new one was delivered. When we ordered the couch, they had a deal going on for the delivery to be white glove service, so they would set up everything and take away all packing material. So I didn’t have to worry about all the plastic and boxes that the different pieces came in. And the delivery people were very nice and willing to let me try out 2 different combinations since this sectional and be adjusted however I’d like. But I went with the original layout that we were thinking and I think that it looks perfect.
I think everyone who has seen this photo agrees that the new couch fits in so much better than the old one.
It was only delivered on Sunday and I haven’t had much time to sit on it, but it is very comfortable. And I can move the ottoman around so I can extend the couch wherever I’m sitting. It’s much better than the little square ottoman I’ve been using that is just big enough for my feet. And if I decide to make the couch a different shape, it’s pretty easy to move the different pieces around. I haven’t really lived somewhere I could do that before since at my old place, everything pretty much only had one way that it would fit into the room. Now, I have so much more space to play with and I’ve been loving it!
Just like I’ve said so many times in recent months, this is helping to make my place feel more like my home. There is still stuff to get and different decor that I want to get up, but at least now I have a couch that really fits the space and makes my living room look so comfortable and inviting.
Posted onJuly 18, 2022|Comments Off on Going Hard In My Workouts (or At Least This Time I Wanted To Make Them Tough)
After so many bad weeks in a row dealing with pain and nausea, I was really hoping this past week would be much better. I’m so glad that it was and that I could really push myself. I have felt like I wasn’t doing a lot in my workouts lately since I was restricted with how I was feeling. But this past week, I really could see what I could do.
I got off to a good start to the week with Monday’s workout. I was motivated to work harder than normal and I was able to do so as well. My motivation and ability don’t always match up, so when they do I take advantage of that.
The 2 cardio blocks were similar, with a slight difference at the end of each block. We started with a 75-second push pace followed by a 60-second base pace. Then we had a 60-second push pace and a 45-second base pace. In the first block, we had 2 rounds of a 45-second all-out with 30-seconds in between, and in the second block we had 3 rounds of a 30-second all-out with 30-seconds in between. I wasn’t using higher resistance levels, but I could tell I was pedaling faster and I was able to get my heart rate up higher. And I was really tired by the end of the second block.
On the rower, we had one long block. We started with a 600-meter row and then we were supposed to do lunges with tricep extensions using the medicine ball. But because my hips were already a bit off, I skipped the lunges and just did the medicine ball work. Then we had 2 rounds of a 300-meter row with the same exercise in between. And at the end, we were supposed to do 4 rounds of a 150-meter row, but I was only able to complete 2 of them.
On the floor, we had two blocks and they each had some strength moves and some stability moves. I knew I would have to modify the stability moves, but I tried my best. In the first block, the strength moves were front squats and floor chest presses. And the stability moves both used the straps with lunges to squats and chest presses. I couldn’t do the lunges to squats as a single move, so I split them up but still did them with the straps instead of balancing against the wall like I normally do. The second block had single-arm shoulder presses and hammer curls for the strength moves and split squat shoulder presses and balance bicep curls for the balance moves. Unfortunately, by the end of the workout, I was really struggling to balance so I did the shoulder presses without the split squat and did the bicep curls as normal ones. But I did feel the burn in my arms at the end of the workout.
I was still feeling pretty great on Wednesday and continued to push myself in the workout. Although I might have pushed myself a little too hard since I was really feeling it after this workout.
For cardio, we had 2 blocks that were both timed on our own. The first block was a 6-minute distance challenge and we increased the incline/resistance level every .1 miles (or .4 miles for me on the bike). I was getting pretty high up in the resistance levels and was above my typically all-out, but since I was feeling good I wasn’t going too slowly for most of the challenge. And in the second block, we started at the level we ended the first block on and then decreased by 1 level at the same distance interval. And at the end of the second block, we had a 30-second all-out.
On the rower, we had one long block. Every row was 150-meters and we had different exercises between each row with a medicine ball. We had squats to bicep curls and deadlifts to overhead presses. I did have to split up the exercises so I did them separately, but that’s pretty normal for me now.
And on the floor, we had 2 blocks that were timed for us. In the first block, we had 45-seconds of lunges followed by 1-minute to do 12 uppercuts. Any time we had after the uppercuts, we could rest. But that usually was only about 15-seconds. In the second block, we had 45-seconds of alternating arnold presses and 1-minute to do 12 lunges and then we could rest. It was a lot of lunges for me and my hips were really feeling it at the end, but I also know I pushed myself quite a bit.
Because of how hard I pushed on Monday and Wednesday, I was definitely sore on Thursday. So I went a little easier while still pushing myself. I just was being mindful of how I was feeling so I didn’t make things any worse.
For cardio, we had 2 blocks and they were almost the same. For both blocks, they started with a 2 1/2 minute progressive challenge where we started at a base pace and ended with an all-out. Then after that all-out, we had 30-second all-outs. The difference was that in the first block we had 1-minute between the last 2 all-outs and in the second block we had 75-seconds between them.
On the rower, we had one long block and one short block. For the long block, it was all about doing stroke drills for 15 strokes. Then, we had different medicine ball exercises between each row. We had front raises, tricep extensions, and rainbows. The goal with the stroke drills was to keep the strokes per minute down but the wattage up. And I was able to keep the wattage above what I do when I’m rowing regularly. And for the second short block, we were times with cardio for the 2 30-second all-outs with the 75-seconds to recover in between.
On the floor, we had 2 blocks that had some power moves and some strength moves. In the first block, we had shoulder presses, high rows, lunges, and sumo squats to high rows. And in the second block, we had regular chest presses and chest presses with explosive tempo. And we ended the workout with 30-seconds of sit-ups.
I was so happy that I was still feeling good on Friday. I was still a bit sore, but compared to the past few weeks this past entire week was a good week for me. So I continued to be mindful while pushing myself.
For cardio, we had 2 blocks and the first block was similar to Thursday. We had a 6-minute distance challenge and started between a base and push pace and increased every 2 minutes. Then we looked at that distance to use in the second block. For the second block, we also had a 6-minute challenge, but we were supposed to stay at the same pace the entire time. For the second block, I keep the resistance level between my base and push pace and I was able to go further in the second block than I had in the first.
On the rower, the first block started with a 250-meter row. Then we were supposed to do side hops and high knees. I was only able to do the high knees, but I did more than we were supposed to do to make up for skipping the side hops. Then we had a 200-meter row and continued the pattern, decreasing the row by 50 meters each time. And in the second block, we started with a 1-minute all-out row. Then we had a recovery row before a 45-second all-out row. We ended the row block with 3 sets of a 30-second all-out row. I was getting a little sloppy toward the end of my rowing because of my hips, but when I could feel my form being off, I made sure to make corrections as quickly as possible.
And on the floor, we had 2 blocks and each block had only 2 exercises. So we were supposed to focus on going slowly and using heavy weights. The first block had single-arm low rows and step-ups. I did the step-ups as lunges. And the second block had single-arm chest presses and split stance deadlifts.
I have no clue how this week will be for me. It should be another good week, but I’m feeling a little uncertain since you never know when things might decide to change up on me again. But hopefully, I will continue to push myself and have hard workouts by choice.