I’ve been lucky that with my eating disorder recovery, I haven’t had that many extremes. Obviously, an eating disorder could be considered extreme on its own, but I know that some people have had struggles both with the eating disorder and recovery that are much worse than what I have gone through. I have had some tough days and struggles, but mostly they have been things I have been able to work through and they haven’t affected everything in my life like I know they could. But this past weekend, I had what I would consider one of the worst eating disorder weekends I’ve had since I have tried to get better.
Even though I have a binge eating disorder, the way it works sometimes makes it tough for me to eat. Part of that is just the nature of the eating disorder and part of that is my mind thinking that if I don’t eat it will help me lose weight. I know that you can’t be successful with weight loss if you are starving yourself, which is why I do try to eat at mealtimes even if I don’t feel like it. I know that not eating can backfire and cause me to have a really bad binge episode. But I don’t remember another time where not eating hasn’t resulted in me eating at some point. But that’s exactly what I went through the last few days.
On Saturdays, I don’t always eat breakfast. I try to, but it’s one of the only days I can sleep in a bit later because I don’t have a workout before work. So I can sleep until 7am instead of getting up at 5:45am. I don’t eat while working since I am on the phone, so I usually will have my first meal when I’m done with work at 11am. I guess that could be considered brunch, but it’s just when I get a chance to eat. This past Saturday, things distracted me and I just didn’t eat. I finally thought about it around 5pm, but I really wasn’t hungry. And I struggle to force myself to eat sometimes when I’m not hungry. I finally did force myself to eat something so I didn’t go the entire day without food, but it had been 24 hours since my last meal. I know that some people can do intermittent fasting, but I shouldn’t do that. And not eating much at all that day really affected me mentally and physically. I didn’t sleep well that night.
On Sunday, I tried to force myself to eat something when I got up but I couldn’t stomach eating anything. It wasn’t like I had food poisoning or something, I just had a block in my mind preventing me from eating. And then I got distracted with more things before I could try to fight that thought. Just like on Saturday, I didn’t think about eating again until close to dinnertime. Another 24 hours had passed and I still wasn’t able to eat much. I was able to eat more than Saturday, but it was less than what I know I need to have in a day to function. And again, I slept horribly on Sunday night and I was pretty tired when I went to my workout on Monday morning. My body was also starting to be affected by the lack of food and sleep and I just was in a rotten mood and struggling throughout the day.
I think realizing how badly I was doing on Monday was a reality check that I needed. I went to the grocery store after work and got foods that would be easy to turn into meals, including microwave dinners. I know they aren’t the healthiest options, but I also knew that having some food is better than no food. That might not be the advice everyone with a binge eating disorder gets, but I also knew some of my thoughts and reactions were not what I was used to with my eating disorder. They were closer to what some of my friends with anorexia say they went through. I don’t think my eating disorder is morphing because I was able to snap out of it, but I also think that different eating disorders are closer related than some people realize.
I’m glad that by yesterday, I was starting to do better. After eating a better meal on Monday night, I slept better that night. And on Tuesday, I was able to eat a little bit before work and planned out my meals that day. They aren’t what would be perfect and healthy meals, but they were meals and things that I know I would eat. And that’s exactly what I needed to do and what my focus needs to be on this week.
I’m not worried that this is something that will continue. I think I got a bit lazy with working on recovering and it caught up with me in a weird way. But, it was also a way to prove to myself that when I do have a setback like that, I don’t have to let it take over my life for a long time. I wish I didn’t have to deal with it all weekend, but I’m glad that it seems like I’m getting back on track this week. I don’t feel totally normal just yet, but I think I’m just dealing with some of the effects of having very little sleep over the weekend. But my food is much better and I know that I will continue to feel better.
I know I’m lucky I haven’t had to deal with something like this before, and I’m glad that I have built up enough skills and instincts to not let it get much worse. But it was also a good reminder that I’m still in the struggle with an eating disorder and have work to do before I feel like I’m recovered. And I feel a renewed focus on doing the work I know I need to do and hopefully seeing the results follow soon after.
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