Posted onAugust 16, 2019|Comments Off on Finishing Up Brain Over Binge (or This Really Feels More Like Just The First Part)
While the Brain Over Binge course that I was doing online technically ended last week, I didn’t get a chance to finish things with the course until this week. My life has been busy (as I have mentioned over and over lately on here) and I didn’t want to rush through the lessons just to finish on time. I wanted to be able to focus on the lessons and do them properly even if that meant I had to do them on my own time. Fortunately, the course didn’t close access right away so I was able to do that. We actually have online access for another several months, plus all the lessons are downloadable so I have all the handouts and audio files saved for forever.
Every time I try something new, I try to not get my hopes up. I know that nothing is going to be the instant fix I dream of, but it’s hard not to hope that maybe something will somehow be that for me. I want something to just click in my brain and change everything for me. I know that that is unrealistic, but there are rare cases where that happens and I’d love to be one of those. I feel like I’m already a medical oddity so why not be one in the positive sense too.
But as I expected, this wasn’t the miracle I dreamed of. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t helpful. I did find the online course very helpful for me. There were a lot of lessons that were things I have learned in other classes I’ve taken or that I’ve heard in group therapy settings, but it is always good to hear it again because everyone has a way of putting things a little bit differently. And sometimes you need to hear something more than once before it really connects with you.
And sometimes even with something being something you have heard multiple times, you hear a new reason that makes more sense and it helps you understand why you need to do it. And the biggest lesson I got out of the course was a repeat lesson that had a new explanation for me. And that was having a meal plan and a stocked kitchen with “safe” foods. For me, safe foods don’t mean healthy foods. It just means foods that I know I can eat or that I can prepare and will be satisfied with. A majority of it is healthy food, but some of it is not as healthy because I want to have snacks in my house ready to eat so I don’t feel like I need to go out and buy food and then possibly buy more than I need.
Along with having a stocked kitchen is being more aware of trying to stay on a food schedule. And this is something I struggle with. I hate to force myself to eat when I’m not hungry. And I’m rarely hungry in the morning so I don’t like to eat breakfast most of the time. But I know I need to so I get in a better place so that I’m eating a bit more balanced throughout the day and don’t get too hungry later in the day. I’ve been experimenting more with breakfast options and not caring if they are what most people would eat or if they are what others would consider a full meal. Even eating an apple is better than nothing.
While there were lots of other little lessons I learned over the past 9 weeks, I think working on my eating schedule and how I stock my kitchen was the biggest one and that made me think that I want to do the course again so I can see what other lessons I will pick up since that won’t be what I focus on. I don’t want to do the course again immediately since I want to have a bit of time to work on this first, but the benefit of having everything saved on my computer means it will be there for me when I’m ready for it. Maybe this is something I do twice a year? Not sure what the right schedule is for me just yet, but it is definitely something I will be repeating.
I’m so glad that I made this investment in myself. It wasn’t the most expensive thing, but anything extra is a lot when I don’t have a lot of money. But I’m worth the expense and I got something great out of it. And I can’t wait to see what I get out of it the next time I take the course (and the time after that, and the time after that, and so on).
Posted onAugust 15, 2019|Comments Off on Finding A Way To Be High Risk (or Playing The Insurance Game)
When I had my recent doctor appointment, I mentioned how I would be meeting with a genetic counselor to discuss being higher risk for breast cancer. I am not high risk like many women are because I don’t have the genetic mutation that is commonly known for being high-risk, but I still have a higher risk because my mom had cancer. That’s the reason why I started getting mammograms so early.
But the problem has been getting breast MRIs. I was able to get one because of a note from my mom’s doctor. Her doctor said I needed to have a baseline MRI to be safe and to have in my medical record for the future. Since the type of breast cancer that my mom had is only caught on MRI, they wanted something in my medical record that had an image that was clean and did not have any cancer in it. Honestly, it’s more of a cover their butt MRI to prove they checked me out, but I’m ok with that. I’d rather know that I’m ok than wonder if I should be worried.
But after that original MRI, my insurance didn’t want to cover any more breast MRIs for me in the future. I don’t need them that often, but my mom’s doctor recommended every 5 years or so. But if my insurance wouldn’t cover it, it could be $10,000-15,000. It’s bad enough that it’s $500 when they do cover it, but I cannot afford a 5 figure MRI and that is ridiculous. So the only way to get it covered it so prove that it is a necessary preventative procedure. If my mom’s doctor didn’t think it was necessary, I wouldn’t worry about it. But since they advised me to do it, I wanted to get it covered.
So I had a phone appointment with a genetic counselor this week. I wasn’t sure what to think since I knew this appointment was more about trying to prove I needed something and not about worrying about my health or risk factors. Fortunately, either there were notes about that in my record or this doctor was familiar with doing this. She got straight to the point and we worked through my family history. I was prepared and my mom helped me with making a list of everyone we knew who had cancer in my family going several generations back.
The genetic counselor did have some questions about my mom and the testing she had done, but I was able to get my mom on the phone which was helpful. And the counselor was able to tell my mom about a few new options that she might be able to look into at her hospital about different genetic tests. We don’t know if they are covered for her at her hospital, but since we have been told that there is a chance her cancer has a genetic component we want to try to be on top of any tests we can do.
After going over my family history, the genetic counselor started working through different equations that figure out your risk rate. In order to be considered high risk, you have to have greater than a 20% chance of getting cancer. It’s a bit weird to think about how this is all figured out, but I guess this is how things have to be done sometimes. There are dozens of ways to work through these equations and for some of them, my risk rate is extremely low. But we found one where my risk rate is 22.2%.
Now, I know this is just a random equation and it was only one of many options and most of the options showed my rate much lower than that. But this was something I needed to do to get the insurance coverage I’ve been trying to get. I don’t want to get into a debate about insurance, but it’s annoying that I had to figure out the one way that I have a high enough risk so that I could get the preventative care that I was told I needed. But I am grateful that I am going to get it and I don’t have to worry about it now.
The coverage I get is for 1 MRI a year, but I won’t be getting them that often. I think every 5 years is probably what I will do. Maybe even less often than that. But at least the option is there for me if I need it and knowing it’s there is a good feeling. I don’t have to worry if I have something wrong and I can’t afford to find out.
After I had this appointment, I talked to my mom and told her the results. I was saying how weird it was that I was almost celebrating being high risk for cancer, but that’s what I was kind of doing. But if that’s what it takes to get the care that I have been told I should get, then I guess it is something to celebrate.
Posted onAugust 14, 2019|Comments Off on Overcoming The Confidence Gap (or Taking A Risk And Having It Pay Off)
I’ve heard multiple stories of the idea of the confidence gap. There’s a lot to the idea of it, but it comes down to the idea that women tend to wait until they feel more confident before taking a chance. Studies show when it comes to taking a risk or asking for a promotion, women usually will wait until they feel that they can do 100% of the tasks required while men will go ahead when they feel they can do 60%. This is something that I have tried to overcome, but it is not easy when it almost is a natural feeling that I want to be perfect before I take a chance. I don’t want to look stupid or make a mistake and have someone tell me that I shouldn’t have tried.
I am getting better about taking chances, but that usually only happens when those chances only affect me and not anyone else. If someone else may need to make up for my mistakes or it could delay or affect someone else’s day, I tend to not want to try. It’s hard to not be scared that someone might be upset with me if I try and fail. But I also know that if someone took a chance and it affected me when they couldn’t accomplish it, I wouldn’t blame them because at least they tried. I just need to believe that someone else would feel the same way about me.
I had the opportunity to try to take a chance last week. With this election, we have all been working hard at creating different things like graphics and videos. We do have people who’s primary jobs are to create things like that, but sometimes things come up and either they are swamped with other work (or with life since this is all volunteer work) or we have to pitch in to help because we have a time crunch and the person who typically does the work is not available. Everyone is happy to pitch in where they can because we all are passionate about what we are doing and want to make sure we do everything we can to get the word out about the vote and the slate.
We had recorded some videos recently and they were being edited into individual videos for each candidate that filmed. But we had an idea to turn it into a larger video that included everyone who was there that day. But the person who was editing the video did not have the time to put that video together. I have edited a few things before, but nothing like this. But I said I would give it a shot. I wasn’t sure I could do it, but I wanted to try. I knew if I couldn’t do it, someone else could try and we wouldn’t be any worse off than we were before I started. So I was sent all the video footage from the shoot and spent some time watching it and seeing what made sense to me as a bigger video.
Fortunately, the concept came to me quickly. And, while I’m sure there are multiple ways I could have done the editing a lot faster or more efficiently, I had to do it the way I knew how and pull the clips I knew I was going to use and put them in one section and put all the extra clips in another. Then I got to trying to sort those clips and organizing them and moving them around until I was happy with the order and it seemed to make sense to me.
Fortunately, I was able to send multiple versions of the work in progress to some people from the slate for notes and they were able to give me feedback on what they thought and if they felt things needed to be moved around. They also got me the still frame for the end of the video that included the required disclosure that the video was not paid for with union funds. And my friend Ben had a lot of credits on a royalty-free music website so he let me use his login information and download a few options so we tested some music clips out. When I originally tested the clips out, I was torn between 4 different ones. But once I put them all into the video I made, one stood out as the clear winner.
From the time I got the video footage until the time I finished exporting the final file, it was only about 24 hours (and probably about 8-10 hours of total work). That’s not that long, but it also is only about a 2-minute video. When I was done, I sent it out to the leaders of the slate and said that I could fix anything if they noticed anything off and for some reason, I felt like I also had to apologize because I’m not an editor. Thinking back, I feel so stupid that I apologized for my work, but at the time I did it. I guess it was that feeling that I wasn’t 100% ready to edit a video so there was something for me to be sorry for. But I was ready enough to create something that I am now extremely proud of.
This video has been posted on our social media and I think everyone is very happy about it. And now I am happy about it too. Taking the risk of editing a video even though I wasn’t completely sure I could do it worked in my favor. And not only did it work in my favor, I proved to myself that I can do something that I questioned I could do. It wasn’t easy and I had to look up how to do a lot of things, but I got it done. And while this isn’t something I will probably do regularly, it is something that I want to practice a bit more so I feel more confident doing when I need to edit something in the future.
Posted onAugust 13, 2019|Comments Off on Almost Getting My Lazy Birthday (or Staying In And Staying Busy)
My goal for my birthday was to be able to do nothing and to finally relax a little bit. Life has been stressful (but good stressful for once) and I have been hitting burnout a lot lately. I knew that if I didn’t take a break for myself soon, I was going to hit a really bad breaking point and I didn’t know what would happen if I got there. I don’t know if I would hit a really bad low and it would take a long time to get out of it or if something worse would happen. I just knew that I didn’t want to get there so I had to try to do whatever I could to prevent that.
On my actual birthday, all I had scheduled was my workout and then work. I said I had a plan to try to do nothing but I wasn’t sure if that was going to be able to be accomplished. For the next week and a half, my life isn’t completely mine. I have to work hard for my slate for the union election and I am so proud to get to do that. And I know that when it is done it will be worth it. But that also means that I might start the day with one plan and then an hour later a huge amount of work gets thrown my way and I end up spending the rest of the day working on that.
My birthday wasn’t as crazy as it could have been, but it did get pretty busy. I had several things that I had to work on that were needing to be done quickly. If I could put things off to the next day (or a few days later), I did. But some things had to be done that day or that hour and I had to get them done. When people called me to wish me a happy birthday, I was usually on the phone for only a few minutes before I had to get off the phone and back to work. I felt bad that I couldn’t talk to people longer, but everyone understood how hard I was working and how important this election is for me.
I finally got to relax a bit around 7 pm that night. I spent most of the evening laying in bed just being lazy. I needed to decompress and I didn’t feel like doing much of anything. I read a little bit. I watching some random YouTube videos on my phone. I did some random daydreaming and reflecting on my birthday and my life. There were a few moments where I was feeling a bit lonely since besides my workout I spent my birthday alone. But I also made that choice and I know that if I spent my birthday with other people that it would have been overwhelming. I needed the alone time to recover and do some self-care. It was the best thing for me that day.
It wasn’t the most celebratory birthday day, but it was exactly what I needed to do. I had a lot of work that I had to get done, and I got the relaxing time that I desperately needed. I still want to have some sort of birthday event, but I don’t know when that will happen or if it will happen. I can’t imagine it happening before the election is done, which isn’t until the end of the month. And by then, I might not feel like doing anything too big. I had big plans for what I wanted to do, but I think that motivation got zapped out of me. I’m a little annoyed that I didn’t plan it sooner so I could have done it, but maybe I’ll feel motivated again when I’m not as crazy busy every day.
Posted onAugust 12, 2019|Comments Off on Birthday Workout Week (or Continuing My Progress)
Last week, I wrote about how the week before I increased my base pace for my workouts. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to keep that up, but I figured I would play around with what my base pace would be and at least I knew I could use that as an option. And going into this past week of workouts, I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing with my base pace, but I knew one thing: I was going to have an awesome week of workouts because it was my birthday week! But I managed to do even better than that!
Monday’s workout was a 2 group workout and because it was only a 2 group class we were able to have a run/row! Since most of my classes are 3 groups, run/row classes are rare and they are a fun treat for me. And the numbness issue while rowing has continued to get better so I wasn’t too worried about how I would do while rowing. The run/row had quick hill work for cardio and then decreasing rows after. Each time I was on the bike, I was done in under 3 minutes. And the rowing started at 400 meters and decreased by 50 meters each round. The hill work was supposed to be a push pace with no incline, a base pace at incline, and then a push pace at no incline. I did use my regular push pace and for the incline work, I was keeping the resistance level above my normal all out.
On the floor, we had 3 blocks. The first block had chest presses, lateral flys, and double crunches. The second block had low rows with weights, bench pullovers, and toe reaches, and the last block was a core blast with bicycles, side toe taps, and plank work. I was able to go heavy on the weights, but I was having a few issues with catching my breath and had to take some moments to calm down. I think I was having some nerve issues because I had my doctor appointment after my workout, but once I calmed down I was able to get back to the workout and continue working hard.
Wednesday’s workout was a partner workout and it was called Follow The Leader. The person on the rower always set the pace of the team. It was a tough workout because we were always working hard and unless you were on the rower you weren’t sure when you’d be switching.
On the rower, you started with a 700-meter row. All 3 of us had the 700-meter row before we moved to the 600-meter row round. Once all of us did that round we went down to the 500-meter row round and so on. The person on the treadmill (or bike in my case) always had a run/bike for distance and every time you were back to the treadmill/bike you increased the incline/resistance level. I was able to do all the cardio work starting at my new base pace level and increasing it every round. And on the floor, we had burpees, bench hop overs, chest flys, bicep curls, and single-arm rows. You picked up where you left off on the floor when you returned to it.
My partners and I were a pretty equal team so we seemed to have a consistent pace moving around. And I did have to leave this workout a little early because I had something I had to get to before I had to work. One of the other partners also had to leave early (that’s why we were partnered up), so toward the end of the workout, we did have a bit of a weird pattern. But we made it work and that’s what matters.
Friday’s workout was my birthday workout! I never thought I’d be the type of person excited to get to work out on my birthday. And I especially never thought I would be excited about having a workout at 7am on my birthday, but I guess I am that person now!
The workout was a strength-based class, which isn’t my favorite but I was still excited since it was my birthday. And it was a switch class so at least we moved around a bit.
For cardio, the first block had a push pace with no incline, a base pace, a 3-minute hill, a base pace to recover, and an all out. And the second block had the same pattern but all the segments were shorter and the hill wasn’t as high of an incline/resistance level. And the second block was also shorter.
On the rower, we started with a 90-second row and then we were supposed to have lunges with shoulder presses. I changed those to be squats with shoulder presses. Then we decreased the row by 100 meters every round with the squats and shoulder presses between each row. The second block started with a 1-minute row with squats between each row. And each round the row decreased 50 meters.
And on the floor, we had a lot of work with the Bosu. The first block had goblet lunges, back extensions on the Bosu, and sit-ups on the Bosu. And the second block had lateral lunges and weighted crunches on the Bosu.
And of course, I had to get a birthday workout photo (even though it’s a post-workout photo so we are all tired and sweaty).
Saturday’s workout was an endurance day, which was a tough one to do when I was exhausted from working hard during the week. But I was grateful that it was a 3 group class since I knew it would be a bit easier with switching every 15 minutes. But it’s still hard no matter what.
For cardio, we had 4 rounds with 2-minute push paces. After the first push, we had a 90-second base pace. After the other ones, we only had a minute. I was using my new base pace and my normal push pace. After those 4 rounds, we finished cardio with a 90-second distance challenge and I set the bike at the resistance level between my push and all out.
On the rower, we started with a 100-meter row and after that, we had 20 pulsing half squats. We increased our row by 50 meters each round and decreased the squats by 2 each round. And we did that for the entire 15 minutes. That is a long time to row and do squats and it was starting to be a bit hard on my hip. I also started to have a bit of numbness in my feet, but considering this was the first time all week I had that issue I wasn’t too worried about it. But I still had to be careful with my floor work because of how hard the rowing work was for me.
On the floor, we had one long block. We had bicep curls, hip bridges, chest presses, tricep extensions, lunges, and dumbbell swings. The only big modification I had to do was change the tricep extensions to be using the straps instead of using weights. I was feeling a bit off balance and having a weight over my head wasn’t feeling comfortable. But for weight work, I was going heavier than normal which felt like it made up for it.
I didn’t think about it until the end of this past week, but I didn’t even think about going back to my old base pace once during this past week of workouts. It just seemed normal to use the new base pace and I didn’t question it once. Yes, it was challenging from time to time, but not so challenging that I wanted to go back. It was so cool when I was done with the week and I had that realization. I was already excited about the week being my birthday week, but it was extra nice to end the week with something else to be excited about.
Posted onAugust 9, 2019|Comments Off on It’s My Birthday! (or This Is 36)
As the title says, it’s my birthday! I love birthdays and usually try to celebrate mine as much as I can. This year hasn’t really been much of a celebration just yet, but that’s not because I don’t want to. I just will be delaying some birthday fun because of all the other things I have going on in my life. I had a few birthday plans that I thought would have already happened by now, but I think everything is just going to be pushed back a bit. That’s not a problem for me since I’m happy as long as I get to celebrate at some point. Growing up, I didn’t always get to celebrate on my birthday so I’m used to it.
As I’m writing this post, I have no real birthday plans. I have my normal workout and then I have to work. But I have nothing planned after work. I might end up doing something for dinner and I might just do absolutely nothing and sit on my couch and be lazy. Honestly, right now being lazy sounds so perfect to me. I don’t really care too much about what I end up doing today because even though I love birthdays I’m not obsessed about what I do on the actual day.
I’ve said before that my life is not where I expected to be at this point. By 36, I really thought I would be married and have kids. I thought I would be living in a house (although I guess technically I live in a tiny house that I rent) and I would have a dog and I’d be making a living by being an actor. Those things are not true, but that does not mean my life is a failure. My life is amazing and it is amazing in ways I never thought it could be. I never thought I could be involved in my union the way I am now. I have pinch-me moments all the time. Just this week, I spent the morning goofing off with someone who I watched on tv later that day. That’s so insane and amazing! I don’t get to do all the things I want to do with my life, but that gives me things to strive for and to want for.
And even the negative things in my life have brought good things to me. All the disaster dates I’ve been on have helped me create a book that I have written and re-written what feels like a million times. One day I will finish that book and I am sure I will be proud of it when it’s done. But it will be a work in progress for a while and that’s ok. I’m having fun with my horrible dates because I know they will make good stories. I am writing the stories in my head sometimes while on the bad dates to distract me from how bad the dates are.
I’ve had a lot of milestone birthdays, and I didn’t think of 36 being a milestone for me. But then I realized it’s almost a milestone. I moved to LA when I was 18. It wasn’t exactly on my 18th birthday, but it was only about 2 weeks after. But in my head, I’ve always considered my 18th birthday as the split from when I was growing up in the Bay Area to when I moved to LA. It’s been an easy way to think about it since it marks the change of being a kid to being an adult. So this would mean that now is basically the mark of when I have lived in LA for half my life. I’ll mark this more officially on my LA anniversary, but it’s still a cool thing to think about. I have lived half my life in each place. I don’t feel like that is possible, but it’s true. And in a few weeks, I will have live in LA for the majority of my life!
I jokingly say that I turn old every birthday, but I actually don’t feel like I’m turning old this year. I don’t feel 36. I don’t know what 36 should feel like, but I think it should feel older than what I feel now. I feel like I should be feeling something different than I do now. But I think that also what 36 was like for past generations is different than what it is like now. My mom has said a similar thing when she compares her age to when my grandma was her age, so I think it happens for multiple generations. I don’t think I look 36 (and other people say I don’t look it either) so that helps me believe that I am still younger. I am not delusional and I am aware that there are some things about my age that I have to be aware of, but I also don’t have to live in fear about it either. I can enjoy my life and see what happens.
Here’s to 36! May it be a year filled with awesomeness, possibilities, fun, and things that I could never expect but will make my life incredible!
I’ve written about how the election season has been stressful and much more involved than I expected. I love it, but it also takes a lot out of me. My time is stretched thin, I am emotionally drained, I’m tired, and sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. But all the negatives are worth it because of all the positives I get out of it.
It was only last week that I had to write about how it had to be a quick post due to time constraints. And I’m in that spot again today. I’ve been working hard with everything that I’ve been doing and that has required me to put blogging a bit on the back burner. I haven’t wanted to do that, but I’ve had to because other things take priority. I wanted to work on my blog posts ahead of time so that I wouldn’t have this time crunch, but I just didn’t have that option. When I thought I would have free time, I ended up having more projects that I had to do. And when I did finally have free time, I just had to crash and not do anything.
I have learned how important self-care is and I am glad that I have prioritized myself during what has become a stressful time for me. I know that if I wasn’t doing that, I would be struggling so much more than I am right now. And I have a lot of things that are helping me stay balanced and sane. I have amazing people on my slate that help me with the workload (even though there are several things that I do have to do no matter what). And I prioritize my workouts and make everything else that I do work around those.
I also have had some other things come into my life that should be taking up my time that I have had to ask for more time with. I hate to ask for extra time because I don’t want to feel like a bother or make something question offering the opportunity to me, but I can’t keep adding things to my plate. Fortunately, everyone has been very understanding and I should be able to wait until the election is done before I put my focus onto those things
And speaking of the election being over, we are into the final countdown! We are telling members that they need to mail their ballots by August 24rd to have them into the post office by the deadline. Ballots are counted on the 28th and we don’t want people to mail them in too late to be counted. So we have just over 2 weeks left for people to mail them back before we are done and about 2 1/2 weeks before it is completely done.
I know that it will fly by and take forever. There is so much work to be done and not enough time to do it all. But also it seems overwhelming to get everything completed. And when it is over, I’m sure I will look back at this time as some sort of fever dream and wonder if this was all real. It has been so bizarre and crazy. It has been exactly what I was expected and not at all what I was expecting. Even though this is my 3rd election cycle, this is the most involved I’ve been and I have seen a very different side of union politics. It has made me want to continue to be involved with my union and I want to be elected to the local board even more now than ever.
If you are a member of SAG-AFTRA, please remember to vote. I am #87 and #373 on the ballot and would really appreciate your vote. And I would love votes for my entire slate as well. Thanks in advance for the support!
I feel like every time I go in for a doctor’s appointment, I discover something random or weird. Maybe it’s because I am on top of going to my annual appointments and maybe it’s because I am that much of a medical oddity. Either way, I rarely leave without discovering something that makes me laugh or shake my head. Fortunately, I have a good sense of humor about this, but I do wish that sometimes things would be easy for me.
Even when I think an appointment went well, I find out that it wasn’t as easy as it seemed. Last year, when I went in for my annual appointment I thought everything went fine. Then a test of mine was lost. Then I had to get a higher level test to confirm that I was fine. Nothing was that horrible or painful, but it did make me laugh that I had to go through 3 appointments instead of the usual 1 just to confirm what my doctor and I knew. I was a little worried that maybe we would find out that there was something wrong with me, but I trust my doctor to tell me even if she worried a little bit. And she knew these tests were much more of a precaution than a diagnosis.
I was prepared for some more randomness when I went in for my annual appointment this week. I knew it would be more than my standard appointment because I did have a few things I did want to bring up with my doctor, but I also knew that there are always things that seem to come up and I now expect the unexpected.
But this appointment ended up going smoothly from the start. Even when they were taking my blood pressure, it went so much better than normal. I’m used to my blood pressure being extremely high before my appointment and normal after. This time, it was normal before the appointment. I don’t know if I was extra calm or if my blood pressure was very low so it just appeared to be normal. Either way, it was nice to have that recorded as normal at the beginning of the appointment so I didn’t have to do it again after.
I had all the normal tests done at my appointment, although I will have to wait to do my bloodwork for 2 more weeks. Even though I am not trying to get pregnant right now, so many of my friends are and most of them seem to be having issues. Because of my liver tumors, I know that fertility treatments are very limited for me, so there’s not much I can do if I find out that my fertility isn’t where it should be. But I still am curious what my levels are like. But to find those out, the bloodwork has to be done at a certain point in your menstrual cycle. So I will be waiting to do the bloodwork so I can do everything at one time.
We also discussed my cancer testing. For cervical cancer testing, we will have to wait and see if I need to do the higher-level testing again this year. There is a chance I will need to do so, and that is normal and nothing to worry about. It’s good to know that if I have to do it again I don’t have to think that it’s a sign of something wrong. And I will be doing another mammogram again in a month. But because of the type of breast cancer that I am at a higher risk of getting, I really should be getting MRIs every 5 years or so. But my insurance hasn’t wanted to cover those yet. So next week, I will be meeting with a geneticist to discuss my family history of cancer and hopefully, we can get things covered by my insurance. At least I have gotten approved for mammograms because that is better than nothing and I am still younger than the recommended start age for them.
Even though this appointment could still result in some random test results or weird things, it did go pretty normally. There was nothing discovered that was shocking. The things I had questions about for my doctor ended up being normal things that I was able to get answers for. I don’t have to do any medical testing that I wasn’t expecting to do or add new prescriptions. I think the fact that this appointment went so easily almost makes it so weird to me. I am still waiting for the email or phone call that they lost the tests or that they found something that is a 1 in a million result with me because that is what I am used to hearing.
Posted onAugust 6, 2019|Comments Off on Standing Up For Myself (or A Bad But Funny Date Story)
I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve shared a random dating story. Lately, it’s been more about lifelessons from dating. But there have been so many one-off date stories lately and I haven’t been sharing them on here. Most of them are pretty simple. There have been guys who don’t match the photos that were in their profiles, guys that I don’t click with for some reason or another, and of course more guys that ghost at various points in time. But last week, I had another epic date story.
This guy seemed totally normal while we were messaging on the app. We chatted about a few different things and then decided to meet up for a drink since it’s important to see if there is chemistry in person. We didn’t really live too close to each other, so we decided to meet somewhere that was in the middle. And Hollywood was somewhat between us and I suggested that we meet at Wood & Vine. That worked for him and I was happy that we were meeting somewhere that I knew well and was comfortable with.
We were meeting there while a show was going on at the Pantages, so the restaurant only had a few people there. We sat at the bar and he ordered a beer and I had water. He was debating about getting food, but I was secretly hoping he wasn’t going to order anything because I still wasn’t sure how this was going to go and I didn’t want to have to feel like I had to stay there while he was eating.
He ended up not getting food and I am so grateful he didn’t because this date was just awful. I don’t even know how it started going wrong. The conversation was awkward as it sometimes is when you meet someone new, so I asked about what he did since that is usually a safe topic. Turns out he doesn’t work. He was a bit vague about how he pays for things, but I think he lives off of family money. And he seemed to be surprised that I had to work to make money. I don’t know why that is so surprising, but he also wasn’t American so I thought maybe he mixed up some words and said it wrong so I didn’t let it affect me too much.
Since he didn’t have work to talk about, I asked him what he did for fun. He had a long list of stereotypical LA things to say like yoga, go to the beach, swim, hike, self-improvement, cook, and be outside. Everything was generic and not much that I could connect to or start more of a conversation about. Finally, he mentioned reading and I could talk to him about that. So I asked what he reads and he said that he only reads things that will benefit him and that would be self-improvement or self-help. I then asked if he ever reads for fun and he almost laughed at the idea of that.
I said how I read for fun and he said something about how I needed to entertain myself by reading. That just made me made. I don’t have to entertain myself by reading. I love to read. I get so much pleasure out of it, and he made it seem like I needed it to not do something destructive or harmful. It was so annoying.
At this point, I was debating about just getting up and leaving because there was clearly no connection and this was not going to go anywhere and he asked me what I was thinking. The implication was if I wanted to go home with him. I couldn’t believe that he thought that things were going well! This wasn’t the worst date I had been on, but it was not good at all. I said that I didn’t feel the connection but I was glad that we met so we could at least see. You never know if you click with someone until you meet.
He didn’t seem to understand why I didn’t agree that there wasn’t a connection. He brought up that he likes big girls so I should want to be with him. He had no way of knowing that is one of my biggest pet peeves. I do not want to be with a guy that wants to be with a big girl because hopefully, I will not be this size my entire life. I want someone who wants to be with me for me and is attracted to me no matter my size. Someone who is attracted to big girls might stop being attracted to me when I lose weight (I’ve had it happen to me before). This guy seemed to think that because he was willing to be with me, I should be grateful and be with him. But I am not that type of girl.
We got up to leave (thank you again to the staff at Wood & Vine for helping make it a quick exit) and this guy still couldn’t get it in his head that I wasn’t interested and that it wasn’t going further. We were on the street and he kept bugging me to tell him why I didn’t want to continue this. Finally, I was tired of him bugging me and wanted him to leave me alone so I said I would tell him the truth. I said that I felt like he was a pompous asshole and a douchebag. I’m still a bit shocked that I said that to someone, but he deserved it and it felt good to be honest.
It might not have been the smartest move to say that because he didn’t take that well and he wanted to know why I felt that. He ended up saying I had no right to feel the way I felt and that I had to feel the way he said I should feel. It was ridiculous. And there was a small crowd starting to watch this happen which was odd and I just was ready to get out of there. The guy stormed off when I wouldn’t back down and agree with him that I wasn’t allowed to have my own emotions and I went back toward where my car was but waited off to the side before going to my car because I wanted to make sure he wasn’t following me or watching me.
And of course, I blocked and reported him on the dating app before I got to my car.
When I was driving home, I called my friend Dani and was shaking and crying. I don’t know why I was having that reaction because I wasn’t necessarily upset over what happened. I think it was more about the adreneline because I was so close to punching this guy. I’m glad I didn’t hit him because that wouldn’t have been wrong. But I am glad I said what I said even though it was not something I would normally do.
Maybe this guy is used to being with girls who look like me that will tolerate anything and will accept whatever comes their way. I was never that way, but I also know that I did tolerate more in the past than I do now. I don’t think I would have stood up for myself quite as much as I did this time if this happened a year ago. I wouldn’t have gone home with this guy or had a second date, but I probably would have played it off and just unmatched him later. I wouldn’t have told him that I had no interest in seeing him again. But now, I have found new confidence and power and have realized that I have the right to get what I want and not be embarrassed by that. And if I am treated in a way that I don’t deserve, I don’t have to stay quiet and take that.
I’m sure this guy will just be back on the app looking for another girl he can treat this way hoping that she will put up with it. But maybe in the back of his mind, he will think twice or have a little hesitation after I stood up to him and he realized that he can’t get away with it.
I am someone who likes to know what types of workouts I am going to do before I go to Orangetheory. I am lucky that I have ways of finding things out before I drive over there (knowing what class I have never makes me not want to go to class, I usually am more excited knowing what I’m in for). And sometimes I find out when there is going to be a benchmark class or something else like that. But somehow, I must have missed some of the warnings for the challenges of this past week, but it ended up working out really well for me.
Monday’s class was all about working with a new base pace, and I decided to take that challenge. I’ve been playing around with not necessarily using the exact same resistance levels on the bike all the time, so I figured I could play around with what my base level might be. I also know that I need to keep challenging myself when I’m having good weeks because it’s too easy to not do that because I feel like I’m just spending that time recovering from feeling so gross the week before.
For cardio, we had 2 blocks. The first block had decreasing push paces and all the base paces at 1 minute. And the second block had increasing base paces and all the push paces at 1 minute. The push paces for the first block started at 2 1/2 minutes and went down to 1 minute and the base paces in the second block started at 1 minute and went up to 2 minutes. Because the difference between my base and push was only 1 resistance level on the bike this time, it didn’t feel like a huge difference. Maybe I should have increased my push level too, but I didn’t want to go too hard and make the new base level too difficult for me. The new base level was challenging, but I also think it was because it was a 2 group class so I was on the bike for a while.
The floor was also 2 blocks. The first block had chest presses, squats, front raises using the mini-bands, and scissor abs with the mini-bands on our wrists. We also had rowing after each round of exercises. My feet were still going a bit numb with rowing, so I struggled a bit with that. I really think the numbness has to be a combination of foot position and my heart rate being elevated because it doesn’t happen any other time. So I have been working on stopping and trying to calm my heart rate down when it gets really bad and it seems to make it a little better. The rowing was 400-meters, 200-meters, and 100-meters for that first block. The second block started with an 800-meter row which took me much longer than I would have liked it to take. Then we had mini-band plank side reaches, mini-band strap low rows, and tricep work on the straps without the mini-bands. At least the non-rowing floor work went well for me.
Wednesday’s workout was a power day and we were moving around the room so quickly! All the blocks were under 5 minutes and we had 3 blocks at each section of the room.
Every block for cardio was the same. We had a 30-second push pace, 30-second base pace, 30-second all out, recovery, 30-second push pace, and 30-second all out. I was using my new base pace for this and my normal push and all out. For the recover,y I was using my old base pace since that’s what I’m used to using for my recovery. The new base pace was used so little during these blocks so it didn’t feel like that much of a change for me. That was probably a good thing and an easy transition for me so I’m glad that I had this class as my first one after the new base pace class.
On the rower, we had very similar blocks for all the blocks. The first block started with a 300-meter row and 12 frogger squats. Then it was a 200-meter row and 12 frogger squats. I made it to starting the 100-meter row before the block ended in the first block. The second block had the same rowing but the frogger squats were down to 10 reps. And in the third block, the frogger squats were 8 reps. But every block, I was always working on the 100-meter row when the block was done so I never did the very last round of frogger squats. Fortunately, the foot numbness problem was better in this class than it had been. I had changed my dosage that day to add a pill in the morning, so that might have helped somehow. I will never try to understand side effects, but it was interesting to see how it worked that day when I had been very nervous to see what would happen.
The floor had different blocks for each block. The first block had step-ups and squat jumps. I had to modify these to be lunges and regular squats. If the block was longer, I would have done modified step-ups with using the straps, but it takes me time to get onto the bench and to get my balance and I didn’t want to use up too much time during the block. The second block had hollow hold chest presses and pop jacks. I modified the pop jacks to use the bench instead of the ground, but that isn’t a big modification. And the last block had reverse mountain climbers and sit-ups. I changed the reverse mountain climbers to be regular ones because I don’t have the same range of motion and wanted to do the full exercise, but again it was a small modification.
Friday’s class was an endurance class, and I continued to challenge myself with my new base pace level. This was a really hard challenge in this class for me. Not only was it just a tough class, but I was exhausted from not sleeping well (or sleeping enough) and my hips were hurting a lot from that lack of sleep. But I wanted to try to push through the best that I could and see what I could do.
For cardio, we had 2 blocks. The first block had 3 rounds of 1-minute push paces to 90-second base paces and it ended with a 30-second push to 1 minute all out pace. And the second block had 2 rounds of 1-minute push paces to 1-minute base paces and ended with a 30-second push to 1 minute all out pace. I did the new base pace level for all my base paces and the normal push and all out levels. For my recovery between the blocks, I did go a bit lower than I normally go, but I needed that recovery time. And I did take a few more breaks than I would have liked to have taken, but again, I needed them. Even though the cardio time wasn’t longer than a normal 3 group class, it felt longer than a 2 group class for some reason. I think it really was just because I was so tired.
On the rower, we had 1 long block. We started with an 800-meter row. Then we had 20 squats with a medicine ball. Then it was a 400-meter row and 15 squats and 15 overhead presses with the medicine ball. Then a 200-meter row followed by 10 squats, 10 overhead presses, and 10 tricep extensions with the medicine ball. I was just sitting down to start the 100-meter row when the block was done. I had a little bit of the numbness issue in my feet during the rowing, but just like on Wednesday it was better than it had been the week before. And I’m learning how to deal with it a bit more. I’m still hoping that it will go away, but at least it’s getting better and I’m doing better with my rowing.
And on the floor, we had 2 blocks. The first block had chest presses with weights, push-ups, and tricep extensions on the straps. And the second block had lateral raises with weights, full thrusters with weights, and plank work. I had to change the full thrusters to be shoulder presses because my hips were not able to squat down anymore. It’s not the biggest modification, but it still annoyed me for some reason because it felt like a big one. Maybe because I felt like I was going to make it through a workout without modifications and then one just snuck in there. But I still did something and worked hard so it counts and I should be proud of myself.
Saturday’s class was a mix of endurance, strength, and power and it was yet another opportunity for me to work with my new base pace resistance level. I had a few things I had to modify to make the workout work for me, but since so much of the week was focused on the new base pace I wanted to continue to work on that.
The cardio was split into 2 blocks. The first block was 4 rounds of 45-second all outs with recovery in-between. Because things were going back and forth so quickly between the all outs and recovery, I decided not to change my resistance level on the bike and I used my new base pace level for everything. I just worked on pedaling faster for the all out time. And the second block was 4 rounds of 1-minute push paces with base paces in-between. This time, I did switch up my resistance level and used my normal push level (I still haven’t played around with increasing that just yet).
The rower was one long block. We started with a 100-meter row and went up 50 meters until we got to 250 meters. Between each row, it was supposed to be lunges with tricep extensions using a medicine ball but I modified them to be squats with tricep extensions. Then we worked our way back down from 250 meters to 100 meters and the exercise between each row was squat front raises with the medicine ball. As the trend was over the week, the numbness issue continued to get better. I still had a few moments when my feet were numb, but it was so much better than it had been and I was so grateful for that.
And the floor was also one long block. We had reverse lunges, side toe touches, side plank pendulums, hip bridges with weights, and sit-ups. I had modifications to the first two exercises, which I expected to need. But I went heavier than normal with my hip bridges so I figured that balanced things out for me.
Going into this past week, I had no idea I’d be increasing my base pace level and I hadn’t really been thinking about doing it. But I jumped into that challenge on Monday and really went for it all week. I will hopefully be able to continue to keep it up from now on, although I am open to playing around with the resistance levels on the bike depending on the type of workout like I’ve been doing. But knowing that I can just increase my resistance level as I did with no preparation and really go for it makes me feel so strong and powerful.
The Good Outweighing The Bad? (or When Will I Get Back On Track?)
