Tag Archives: what if

Learning From My Dental Situation (or How Getting A Crown is Educating Me on My Weight Loss)

Posted on September 4, 2012 | 1 comment

I’m writing Tuesday’s post on Monday night because tomorrow morning is part one of my crown procedure at the dentist. I’m horribly nervous and can’t wait for this whole thing to be done.

The only positive that I can see out of having this done is getting an extra day off of work (but that also means less money in my next paycheck). Also, if this wasn’t being done now, it could end up being a root canal (which I’ve never had and never want).

Sometimes, you just have to suck it up and do something because in the long run, it will be a good thing, even if in the short term you are extremely unhappy or stressed.

This crown is costing a ton of money (and my insurance isn’t very good so at most, half of it is covered), but a cracked tooth or a root canal would be way more money.

Yes I’m missing out on another day of work, but my supervisor knows and if any of my customers call in, he’ll take the order for me and I’ll get my commission.

Yes, I hate that I have a ton of weight to lose now and a bunch of debt to pay off, but if I don’t do it now, how much worse will it get?

I’ve talked about the “what ifs” before, and I don’t want this time in my life to be a  “what if” in a year or two. If I don’t take action now, I’m going to regret it later in life. This I know for sure.

I’m going into tomorrow expecting a bad day. It will go one of two ways. Either my mouth will be so sore and so numb that I won’t eat anything all day and that will be that. Or I’ll be in a ton of pain until right before dinner and then I’ll be starving. I’m hoping it will be the first, but I’m trying to prepare my house with foods that are safe both for my crown and my waistline.

Soups, whole fruit popsicles, yogurt, and jello all seem like they are safe in both ways. I’ll have to be careful eating with the temporary crown, but maybe that will help kickstart this attempt at weight loss.

I’m hoping to not get too out of control tomorrow. But I’m also allowing myself to do so and not go into a downward spiral. If tomorrow is a bad day, why does the next day, or week, or month have to be bad too.

This is the lesson I’m hoping to learn from this really sucky dental situation.

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Posted in Food, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

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Crash (or This is Totally Not What I Was Planning On Writing About)

Posted on August 6, 2012 | 3 comments

I had a whole other blog idea for what I wanted to have up today.

And then I got into a car accident yesterday.

They say that most accidents occur within 5 miles of your home. My accident happened 5 feet from my home.

I’m fine. The accident was on the driver’s side, and I was lucky that the other car hit me on my tire and not my door. Besides some bruising, I’m ok.

My car isn’t ok.

It’s a little hard to tell in the picture, but my bumper got screwed up, my light got smashed in, and my tire is tilted (either from the axle or tire rod breaking). My car isn’t drivable, so it was towed away and I’m waiting to hear from my insurance company about how long I’ll need to have a rental car (and I need to still get my rental).

I know I might sound like a baby, but this sucks. I know that worse things are happening around me. A friend of mine just lost her best friend to brain cancer. Clearly, she is going through something much worse than me. But right now, I’m selfish. I hate that someone hit my car (and I really believe that they were at fault even though I was coming out of a driveway)

I hate that this is how my birthday week is starting. I am very grateful that nobody was hurt in the accident, but I can’t help but go through a million “what ifs” right now.

What if I had left 5 minutes sooner (or later)? What if I was able to step on the gas and get away from the car coming at me? What if they or I had a different car and no damage was done? What if there were witnesses so I could feel better that I will not be at fault?

So today, I’m going to try to focus on getting the what ifs out of my head, stop being selfish, and just be grateful that I’m ok and that I have really great insurance.

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Posted in Tough Stuff

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Going Back Instead of Forward (or Trying to Learn From the What Ifs)

Posted on August 1, 2012 | 1 comment

Last night, I watched the women’s gymnastics team win gold. That was an awesome moment. I’ve always felt a connection to gymnastics. I did gymnastics for a few years as a kid (I can still do a cartwheel, roundoff, somersaults, and the splits). But I think my gymnastics interest peaked in 1996.

That was the year that the magnificent seven won the team gold medal. And Amy Chow was one of those seven girls. Amy Chow trained at the same gym that I went to as a kid. We were there at the same time (but not at all at the same level). I remember my mom telling me during the ’96 Olympics that she remembered watching Amy at the gym and seeing how amazing she was as a kid.

Back then, I wondered what would have happened if I never quit gymnastics. I honestly don’t remember why I quit (I think it had something to do with being fearful of the back handspring, but I might be remembering it wrong). Could I have been an Olympic caliber gymnast too?

I look back at my life at various points and wonder what if. Sometimes, I drive myself crazy with what ifs. One that kills me is wondering what if I tried to lose the weight when I wasn’t as heavy. Or what if I had realized that I wasn’t horribly fat and just needed to lose a little weight.

The picture below is the day I moved into my freshman dorm at Loyola Marymount University. I’m standing next to my best friend Kate.

I remember feeling so unbelievably fat in that picture. Those shorts were bought at Lane Bryant, and they were the first item that I ever bought there. I was so embarrassed that I wasn’t shopping at BP in Nordstroms.

Now when I look at that picture, I wish I looked like that. Yes, I was bigger than my friend, but I looked pretty normal.

If only I knew then what I knew now. Along with my eating disorder, I was diagnosed with panic/anxiety disorder and body dysmorphia. I don’t see my body the same way that the world sees it.

When I lost weight in 2006, I had a trainer. And my trainer would compare my body to others working out in the gym so I could have a sense of what my smaller body looked like. But without her constantly in my ear, I stopped seeing the reality and started to see my fake body in my head.

This time, I’m focusing on my objective benchmarks. I have a love/hate relationship with my scale, so I will use that, but I can’t always trust it. I’m using a tape measure for waist/hip measurements as well as paying attention to my clothing size.

I know that I can’t go back and change what I’ve done, but I’m really trying hard to learn my lessons from the past.

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