Tag Archives: rejection

Ignoring The Voices In My Head (or Not Letting Dates Get Me Down)

Posted on November 22, 2019 | Comments Off on Ignoring The Voices In My Head (or Not Letting Dates Get Me Down)

I feel like I have a dating update post each month. But I guess that’s a result of continuing to put effort into dating and not taking a break or giving up. I don’t have any big updates or news, just the usual about random dates that I went on and what happened.

Nothing horrible has happened recently, but there have been things that stung a bit or made me doubt myself. I had a few matchest that made plans with me and then immediately unmatched with me or unmatched with me right before we were supposed to meet. I don’t get what the game is behind that, but it’s annoying and it does make me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I had a date a few weeks ago with a guy that I had zero chemistry or interest in once we met. He wasn’t showing any personality and really felt like a waste of my time. But he also seemed very interested in me and it made me question why someone who acted like that was the type of person I attracted.

And then I had a date that has a similar story to one I told recently. It wasn’t exactly the same and it didn’t sting as much, but I had another date that seemed like it went well and I was really enjoying the time we spent together. We met up for a drink and we had a lot to talk about and we didn’t have a lot of awkward moments. He does magic as a hobby and we had a really fascinating discussion about magic and its history and longevity. It was so nice having a conversation that didn’t feel superficial even if it wasn’t about something serious. And it seemed like he was interested in me. When our date ended, I mentioned how I’d like to meet up again and he said the same. He texted me after the date to make sure I made it home safely and said he would let me know when he was free over the next few days so we could see each other again.

The next day, I get a message from him saying that he enjoyed the time we had the night before and talking with me. But he wanted to be honest and he didn’t believe we were a good fit for each other. I messaged back saying that I appreciated the honesty and hoped that he found his perfect match. And I tried not to think too much about it.

But my brain went so many different directions. Why did he say he would let me know when we could see each other again if he didn’t want to see me again? Or, what changed between him writing me that message and him deciding we weren’t a good match? What about me made him not want to see me again? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better to not get rejected? What did he feel made us not a good match and is there a way I could fix it?

Even though I wasn’t completely sure if this was the right guy for me, I couldn’t help but think what is wrong with me and not that there is something not right for us to be a match. I wonder if I’m really unlovable and unwanted like I was told when I was younger by someone. I put the blame on not being a good match completely on me and assume it can’t have anything to do with him. But I know that isn’t necessarily true because I have felt like people weren’t a good match when it isn’t totally because of them. Sometimes you just aren’t a match and it’s nobody’s fault and it is just the way it is. And I can believe that when I’m the one rejecting someone and not the person being rejected.

I’m lucky that I have amazing friends that remind me that the things my brain is telling me aren’t the truth. They remind me that I don’t want to waste my time with someone who isn’t completely interested in me and that I deserve someone who feels like I am the perfect match for them. They tell me that I shouldn’t have to see what I need to change about myself to be a match for someone. When I meet the right person, I will be right for them the way that I am and I won’t have to fit into something that they want. Hopefully, when I meet the right person it will be easy and I won’t worry about what I did wrong or right when I meet them. I know I’m not perfect and that’s not what I’m saying. But I want to believe that my true self will be what someone else is looking for and I won’t have to change who I am to make them want to be with me.

I don’t know if I will ever stop hearing the voices in my head telling me that the reason why dating isn’t going the way I hoped it would be is all my fault. Or when I’m rejected it’s because of who I am. But I can try to quiet those statements as much as I can and listen to the people who are telling me the truth to make the truth louder in my head than the lies I still believe for some reason.

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Posted in Dating

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Still Finding New Life Lessons With Dating (or Some Skills I’m Proud Of And Some I’m Not Sure About)

Posted on February 19, 2019 | Comments Off on Still Finding New Life Lessons With Dating (or Some Skills I’m Proud Of And Some I’m Not Sure About)

It still surprises me that I’m learning new things all the time with all the adventures I have with dating. I would love to be done learning, but even if I found the person I wanted to spend my life with I feel like I would still learn new things about myself. But with dating, I seem to find new life lessons in the uncomfortable parts of life and that’s probably a good thing for me. I had 2 realizations over the past few days about dating that could potentially be beneficial for me in life.

The first one is one that I knew I needed to learn and that was how to get over feeling heartbroken or betrayed. I’ve talked about this before and said how I wished that dating rejection felt like the rejections I get with acting. For some reason, I can get over not booking a job pretty easily but I can’t get over being rejected or ghosted the same way. I never would want to learn how to get over feeling so upset over something ending or not happening, it is something I need to learn how to do.

I feel like there is only one person who has gotten close to breaking my heart. They took advantage of my openness and betrayed me and I didn’t think I would ever give them a second chance. But I did and they hurt me even more than they did the first time. I know that his rejection had very little to do with me and was a lot about issues he has, but it still brought up feelings that I don’t deal with well. While I know I am worthy of being loved, having someone close to me tell me otherwise while I was growing up is stuck in my head. And when I was rejected I immediately went to the thought that I was stupid for thinking I deserved to be treated the way I wanted. I know I didn’t deserve what I got, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes.

I shared my feelings in a dating Facebook group that I’m in and I am so grateful for the women in that group because they really helped me work out some things. And they also had amazing advice. A few people recommended the Mend app, and I decided to download it and give it a chance.

While Mend is meant for getting over a breakup, it really helped me a lot with my feelings of being betrayed. And one of the things a friend helped me realize was that my feelings also had a lot to do with me having to accept that I will not have the answers I want. And Mend went into this idea a lot too! I only did the free 7 days, but I’m debating about trying it longer because it really got me into a better mindset about rejection with dating.

And I got to experience this new mindset this past weekend when I had a second date with someone. He and I seemed to really connect and get along and things were going well. But then it was like there was a switch that went off and he immediately said he had to leave. I don’t know what happened (and I have gone over things in my head a few times to see if I can think of something), but whatever happened was something that clearly made him want to end the date. He said it had nothing to do with me, but I really don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again. I did text him since that date, but I’ve heard nothing. I’m pretty sure I’m about to be ghosted.

I hate being ghosted because if I’m not interested in seeing someone again I will tell them and not leave them wondering. But I know that not everyone is willing to be honest about that. Being ghosted sucks and there have been other guys I’ve gone out with a few times that have ghosted me and really hurt me. But this time, I don’t care as much as I did before. If he’s going to ghost me, there’s not reason I should worry about it because I don’t want to date someone who would treat anyone that way. It’s so weird to not be worried about if he will text me again or not, but I also love it since this is what I’ve wanted to figure out for so long!

While dealing with being hurt and rejected is a really good life skill to have, this other thing I figured out this weekend isn’t necessarily as good. When I started dating again a few years ago, I tolerated some really horrible dates. I didn’t want to be rude and leave a date that I was not enjoying so I suffered through them. I always want to be polite and staying through a bad date seemed like the polite thing to do.

I’ve been getting better at leaving dates that I’m not enjoying, but it’s usually because I find a good way to have an out. Either the guy will say something that is really offensive and I feel like I can walk out or I can have a reasonable excuse to leave. I know that I don’t need an excuse and I should be able to just walk out, but I haven’t gotten to that point yet.

But I did have another date recently that I was able to leave quickly even without a good excuse. I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to meet this guy, but I decided to go for it because some people just aren’t good over text. And when we met up, I immediately knew that my gut was right and this date was a waste of time. Fortunately, I usually plan first dates to be something I can easily escape like getting coffee or a drink (even though I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol). This time, I was supposed to meet him for a drink, but it was so crowded that we went for a walk instead.

We only walked about 2 blocks and it felt like miles. The date was horrible, the conversation was going nowhere, and I was just wanting to go home. When we walked past where I parked my car, I told him that my car was parked in that lot and that I needed to head home. I think he wasn’t really enjoying the date either so I didn’t have to give him an excuse, but if I needed to I would have just said I wasn’t feeling chemistry. The date only lasted 10 minutes and I was so grateful to be out of there.

I don’t know if getting out of bad dates is necessarily a good life skill, but I can see how it could be. By trying to always be polite, I’ve put myself in situations that I wanted to get out of and felt stuck in. I need to learn to stand up for myself and not be afraid to be a bit rude if I know I need to leave. It’s still a fine line between being willing to be rude to leave and learning to tolerate things I have to, but I’m getting better at finding that line.

I am glad I have gotten better at dealing with rejection since that is something that I have wanted to work on for so long. I know that I will still struggle with it from time to time, but I am happy I have a resource I know I can turn to when I need help. And if I do continue to use Mend, perhaps I will continue to build that skill set so the next time I’m rejected I will hear those ideas louder than the voice in my head telling me I don’t deserve love or respect.

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Default ThumbnailWorking On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting) Default ThumbnailAdventures In Online Dating (or My Luck Might Be Changing) Default ThumbnailMore Thoughts On Online Dating (or Not Letting My Past Dictate My Future) Default ThumbnailYet Another Life Lesson From Dating (or Finding Power When Not In Control) Default ThumbnailBeing Hurt And Finding Closure (or Still Finding Out More About Myself Through Dating) Default ThumbnailFinding Some More Control (or How Medical Stuff and Dating Stuff Are Alike)

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff

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Working On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting)

Posted on September 21, 2018 | Comments Off on Working On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting)

As an actor, you deal with rejection all the time. Actors get rejected for more jobs than they are offered. Every single day, I submit myself to various projects and my agents submit me as well. A majority of the time, I never hear back from those submissions so I was rejected for even an audition. And when I do get an audition, I don’t usually book the job. I don’t see that rejection as anything bad since everyone deals with it. And I know that not every part is right for me. My job when I audition is to do the best job I can in the room so the casting director wants to bring me back when there is another part I might be right for.

But even though I am very comfortable with rejection in my acting career and it doesn’t bother me one bit, I can’t say the same about dating. There are some times that I think everyone would agree that I am right to be upset over rejection or someone lying to me. I don’t think anyone expects someone to be ok with being hurt that way, especially when it’s someone who you cared about and you thought cared about you. I also know that those situations are sometimes inevitable and are a part of life. Dating has always had some rejection or heartache, that’s not just something that started with online dating.

And I guess ghosting could have been a thing before as well, but it seems like it really picked up with dating apps. I’ve had a couple of guys ghost me, but more recently there have been 2 that really got to me. One guy I had 2 dates with and then they were out-of-town (this was something we had discussed on our first date). From before our first date through their time out-of-town, we were texting at least once a day. We were making tentative plans for when they were back in LA. And once they were back, they stopped texting. They never unmatched with me on the app we matched on, but all communication stopped. I reached out one more time, they responded, but then ghosted me again. That really bugged me because there was nothing that made me feel like things weren’t going to move forward with another date. But I guess he didn’t care to see me again and he didn’t feel like he should say something to me.

And more recently, there was someone who seemed like a real great guy. We got along, could talk about a ton of different subjects without awkward silences, and he was planning creative dates for us. On our last date, something just didn’t seem right to me. I mentioned it hoping that would make things better (sometimes it’s better to bring up a weird feeling than ignore it and hope it goes away) and he said everything was fine but he was just tired from working long hours. That could have been it, but I still had a gut feeling that something was off and he wasn’t telling me. We made plans for the next day, and I haven’t heard from him since. I honestly have no clue what happened, but again I was ghosted by a guy who didn’t have the manners to end things like an adult.

Those ghosting situations are the standard ones because I had met these guys in person and we had been talking and dating. I don’t know what to call the guys who disappear before I even meet them since I don’t know if it’s really the same thing as ghosting. But a new trend I’ve been seeing is a guy who is messaging with me on whatever app we connect with (I don’t give out my number until I meet a guy in person to protect myself from scammers and catfish) and we make plans for a date. Sometimes everything is planned, sometimes it’s just the date and time and we are going to figure out a location later. And then the day of the date I go to the app to message them to either finalize plans or say that I’m excited to meet them, and they are no longer listed in my matches. They could have been scammers or had their accounts blocked, but more often than not they just unmatched with me.

I know that there are some guys on the apps who are in relationships that use dating apps to get an ego boost. They don’t consider it cheating if they never meet someone in person, but they message as if they wanted to meet up just to get the validation that a woman likes them. I think it’s stupid and if I ever figured out in advance that a guy was doing that with me I’d unmatch with them first. But of course, most of these guys give no clue that they are doing that so I just feel rejected because I had been excited about the date that won’t be happening.

I’ve gotten much better with dealing with dating rejection in the past year, but it’s still not easy for me. I think a lot of the rejection I struggle with comes from when I meet a guy (or am messaging with a guy) who seems genuine and kind. I don’t try to imagine what a future could be with them, but I think everyone thinks about stuff like that when they meet someone they are interested in. The rejection is almost more of feeling hurt that a potential future isn’t going to happen anymore. And while I have the same feeling with auditions (whenever I go out for a big role I have to stop myself from imagining how it could change my life), but I have had so much more practice with acting.

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Posted in Acting, Dating, Tough Stuff

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Got A Closed Door And An Open Window (or Trying Not To Overthink It)

Posted on March 6, 2014 | Comments Off on Got A Closed Door And An Open Window (or Trying Not To Overthink It)

Yesterday was the callbacks for the Universal Studios tour guide position. I was very grateful to make it to callbacks. I think there were about 500 people who went to the open call, and there were fewer than 100 of us there at the callback.

For the first bit of the callbacks, they went over the training and expectations of this job. We learned about pay and schedules and a little bit of what the job would be like each day. Then we took a break and when we came back, we each had to get up in front of everyone and read a little bit of the script that the tour guides use every day.

The part I read was bit about one of the movies that has been filmed on the lot. It was about 2 sentences and I read it without tripping up over the words or sounding too shaky (I’m not the biggest fan of public speaking in front of a crowd like that).

After everyone read a bit of the script, they made a cut. And I didn’t make it.

I have no idea what I did wrong or why they didn’t like me. When I walked out, a few of the other applicants who had been cut told me that they were shocked that I was cut. I have no idea what they were looking for, but obviously it wasn’t me.

I was trying to not be too upset over not making the next cut while I walked back to my car. It’s hard to not get your hopes up about a job that is designed to work with actor’s schedules. But clearly it wasn’t meant to be for me yesterday.

But when I got back into the car, I noticed that I had an email from one of the many resumes that I had sent out earlier in the week. They wanted me to do a phone interview as soon as possible. I called them back immediately.

And one of the first things they had said to me was that the thing that made me stand out over all the other applicants was the fact that I used to be a tour guide at WB.

So just a few minutes after getting rejected as a Universal Studios tour guide, my past as a WB tour guide got me another job interview (and they want to hire an actor so that’s great!). I have that interview today.

Like I said yesterday, I’m really trying hard to stay positive. I’m getting a lot of interviews, so that’s a good sign. I know I’ll find something soon and I can’t let the rejection get me down. The only thing worrying me is having enough money for bills, but for right now, I’m ok and I should be ok through this month. In April I might have to worry.

But that’s not now and who knows what the near future has for me. And I’ll put it out here again, if anyone out there knows of any actor-friendly day jobs (either in LA or work from home), please let me know! Thanks!

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Posted in Tough Stuff, Work

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Learning A Lesson From Myself (or The Outcome Of The Music Video)

Posted on March 4, 2013 | Comments Off on Learning A Lesson From Myself (or The Outcome Of The Music Video)

Remember how last month I shot a music video and couldn’t wait to share it with all of you?

And remember how last week I wrote how there are no guarantees that the work you do on set will ever be seen?

Anyone want to guess how this story ends?

Yup. I was cut out of the music video. Well, all the actors who shot all the various scenes were cut out. The singer tweeted out at the end of last week that the music video was finally being released. And the tweet right after that mentioned how after thinking about it, they decided to keep the video simple and representative of the song.

So I knew before I watched the video that chances were that I wasn’t going to be in it. That didn’t stop me from being a little pissed and saying some choice words (I was alone when I watched it). And I’m not mad that I’m not going to be seen all over the internet or anything. I’m mad because I’m really proud of the work I did, and I was looking forward to my family and close friends being able to see it.

I need to get over this very minor setback and keep moving forward. It doesn’t matter that the work isn’t seen, I still booked this job. That is the end goal in this career path. And the people I worked with including the casting director, producers, director, and all the rest of the crew know that I booked this job. I was worthy of this part over all the other people who auditioned for it. And I will be worthy for the next one that comes up.

I need to focus on the good work I did on set and not the result. I did what was needed in a timely manner (very important when you are the last set up of the day and the producers don’t want the crew in overtime), and I was polite and (I hope) easy to work with. These are qualities that make me bookable for another job in the future.

I still think it stinks and find it incredibly ironic that I just wrote about a similar situation last week. But like I said then, this is the reality of this job.

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Posted in Acting, Tough Stuff

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Being Excited Too Early (or The Ups And Downs of Acting)

Posted on January 22, 2013 | Comments Off on Being Excited Too Early (or The Ups And Downs of Acting)

Sometimes, I love the ups and downs of the entertainment industry. It’s so hopeful. You never know when the big job that will make all the difference is around the corner. It just takes one great booking to tip the scales in your favor.

And there is the constant rejection, but I’ve gotten used to that and it doesn’t bother me too much anymore.

Except recently.

I had submitted myself for a job (I’m keeping the details vague to protect the project and casting director involved). This was a self-submission, not through my agents, so I was responsible for being on top of things.

I got an email back from the casting director with an audition notice. But in the notes of the notice, it said that all the casting director needed was a picture of us showing face and body and they were going to cast off those pictures. That’s nice. I didn’t have to drive and wait at an audition, and I was able to take a photo on my break at my day job (I know it isn’t great, but all they needed was to see what our body looked like).

IMG_1275

Then, on Sunday, I got an email that said that I booked the job! I was going to get a phone call on Monday morning with all the details. I was super excited (this was a pretty cool project). I let my agents know that I booked something and that I would give them details once I had them.

Monday came and I heard nothing. I was so paranoid that my phone would go off when I was in spin class or in the shower. I kept my phone next to me at all times when I could.

By 4pm, I started to worry. I emailed my agents and asked their advice. They told me to email the casting director to check in. I did that, and I when I got an email back from the casting director, I found out that I got the booking email by mistake. I was not on the final list for the project.

I was a bit pissed off. Not at the casting director, who seemed very apologetic and thanked me for being so understanding. It was an honest mistake, and was not done to hurt me in any way. But I was pissed at myself. I got so excited that I had a booking. And that it the reasonable response to the email that I got. But now I’m in a little funk.

But this funk is only going to make me push harder to get that first booking for 2013! I know I am going to get an amazing project in the near future and I can’t wait to see what it is!

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Posted in Acting, Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff

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