Tag Archives: panic attack

Doubling Up On Pain (or Physical and Mental Pain Together)

Posted on November 12, 2014 | Comments Off on Doubling Up On Pain (or Physical and Mental Pain Together)

Yesterday was definitely not a good day for me. I’m still dealing with the blister issue from my 5K. It’s gotten worse and it’s starting to get painful to put my foot all the way down. I can’t really do too much for it right now because it just needs time to heal. But I’m not wearing shoes with backs on them unless I have to (like for my workouts). I’m putting as little pressure and stress on my skin as possible.

Then, if that wasn’t enough, I’m having some serious hip issues. Part of it is from the race because I pushed myself and then spent time being inactive after that (I had to babysit that evening and spent my time on the couch listening to the baby sleep). But it’s also due to weather issues and the change in pressure in the air. I’m back to regulating my pain killers like I do at times and making sure that I’m always medicated (3 of my painkillers a day equals 24 hours of being medicated).

That’s annoying to deal with, but yesterday brought on a panic attack as well.

This was one of the panic attacks that I can’t explain (I’m not going to the dentist or flying anytime soon). This wasn’t the worst one I’ve had lately, so that was good. And the timing was not bad since the attack started right after I was done with my work shift.

But it was still annoying.

I went and tried to lay down on my bed to make the dizziness stop but that seemed to make it worse. So I sat on my bed with my eyes closed and tried to focus on anything besides the feeling of impending doom and like I was about to die.

The attack ended up only lasting about 45 minutes and afterwards I was able to get back to my day (I usually am extremely exhausted after attacks so this was a nice change).

While it may sound like I’m ranting (and I am a little bit), all of this was just a reminder that most of these issues (not the blister one) are pretty much going to be with me for life. I need to be able to function while having these problems and not let them affect my day. I’m getting better doing that with my hip. But when I’m in the middle of a panic attack, I can’t do anything else yet. I just have to let it pass.

And maybe allowing myself to not do anything and let it pass is doing the exact right thing at the time. It may throw off my day a bit, but I don’t have to let it ruin it.

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Posted in Health, Tough Stuff

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Meeting Tucker! (or Having An Awesome Valentine’s Day Without A Valentine)

Posted on February 17, 2014 | 1 comment

Friday morning, I flew home to my parents’ house. I was so excited to meet Tucker that I only had a minor panic attack on the plane (I think being able to listen to my podcasts during takeoff and landing helps too).

My dad got me at the airport and we went right home so I could finally meet Tucker (and see my mom too).

Even though my parents have been sending me photos almost every day, it was still a surprise to meet the puppy. He’s so much bigger than I thought he’d be! When we measured his height to his shoulder, he’s only about 2 inches shorter than Dante was when he was fully grown! And Tucker isn’t even 4 months old yet! I think we are going to have a very tall puppy.

I spent most of Friday getting to know Tucker and his fun little quirks. For example, he likes to sit really funny. He puts his butt on a stair (or a person if a stair isn’t close) and sits almost like he’s in a chair.

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He’s also very much a puppy. He has moments of being wild and crazy and then he crashes pretty hard for a nap. And he is obsessed with food. My parents have to split his meals into a few servings so he doesn’t eat too fast (and each serving is gobbled up and not even chewed).

But he’s super sweet and you can tell that he wants to please people. He tries so hard to be good, but sometimes his puppyness gets the best of him and he does something not so great (like trying to bite your hands).

By the end of Friday, I think Tucker accepted me as a member of his family. When I tried to have my mom take a picture of him and me, all Tucker wanted to do was kiss my face.

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And when Tucker was taking his nap before going to bed, he decided to use my shoe as his pillow.

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It was really a great Valentine’s Day. I got to spend it with family and the puppy and got tons of love throughout the day!

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Getting In The Ocean (or My Final Day In Maui)

Posted on September 17, 2013 | Comments Off on Getting In The Ocean (or My Final Day In Maui)

My fear of oceans started in 2000.

I was in the Galapagos for a family trip and we went snorkeling. In the Galapagos, the animals there do not know that they should be fearful of humans. So they will come up to you all a lot. Well, when I went snorkeling, I was in the water and a sea-lion came up to me. I’m sure most people would think that is cool, but when it was in my face, it blew bubbles and me and completely freaked me out. I didn’t go back into the ocean for that trip or for any other trip for the next 13 years.

I tried to get over my fear, but it just didn’t happen. I wanted to try surfing lessons (confront my fear head-on), but every time I scheduled a lesson, the day before there would be a shark sighting very close to where I was supposed to be.

I took it as a sign.

Well, in Maui, I declared that I would make it into the ocean. And on the last day of the trip, I finally had a chance.

We drove over to the hotel my Aunt Cindy and Uncle Steve were staying at. My Aunt Cindy had told me that there was a reef right off the beach at their hotel and it was very easy snorkeling and perfect for a beginner.

It was a very nice beach day, although a little windy and the water was a little choppy.

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Fortunately, the rental house came with snorkel gear, so I didn’t have to worry about renting any. My mom decided to stay at the beach with our stuff (and be the official photographer), so it was me, my dad, and my Aunt Cindy heading out into the water.

My mom got one before shot of us all.

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And then we went into the ocean. I had to get some instructions from my dad about how to get all the snorkel gear on the easiest way, so I sat down in the shallow part to get my fins, mask, and snorkel on to my liking.

I put my face into the water and immediately had a panic attack. I started to hyperventilate a bit and was tearing up. But I was able to get my breath under control and tried again.

For the first part of the snorkeling adventure, I would get panicky if my ears went underwater (because then I could hear my breathing and it freaked me out). But I got much calmer as we went.

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And it was totally worth it! There were a ton of beautiful colorful fish right there! I didn’t like when the fish got close to me, so I tried to stay where it was a bit deeper. I have no idea what the names of any of the fish were, but pretty much all of them were super bright colors. We also saw a school of something like 100 fish right below us (which made my aunt wonder what they were swimming away from).

I thought (and I think everyone else thought) that I would be the first one ready to go back to the beach, but after a while, my dad announced that he was getting a bit tired. So the three of us went back to the shore. Turns out, we were out there for about an hour! Not too bad for my first time in an ocean in 13 years!

After snorkeling we rinsed off at the outdoor showers and met up with my Uncle Steve and Aunt Nancy (who went scuba diving that morning) for lunch. And after lunch, it was time to head back to our place to start packing up!

Of course, we enjoyed out last Maui sunset.

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And finally decided that we should light the tiki torches that were in the backyard.

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I had a really wonderful trip. I got to see so much of the island when we were there. And I felt like I finally got a real vacation! As sad as it was to say goodbye to Maui and the amazing place we stayed in, I was ready to come home.

I hope that you all have enjoyed reading my Maui adventures! I promise to get back to my usual types of blog posts!

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Posted in Family, Fun Stuff, Travel

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Positivity (or Maybe My Luck Is Changing)

Posted on August 15, 2013 | Comments Off on Positivity (or Maybe My Luck Is Changing)

In the past, I’ve wondered if I just have bad luck in life. I mean, lots of not so great things have happened to me that I don’t deserve. Like 2 car accidents in one week. Or my hip issues (which is something that I was born with but didn’t discover until the cartilage tore). Or having to worry about a day job (I’ve had plenty of times of unemployment that were not planned nor could I collect unemployment).

But lately, things seem to be going my way.

I had a really amazing week at my day job this week. I had a huge group sale on tickets. The commission I will get from that sale alone will almost completely pay for the deductible when I get my car fixed. I also sold tickets to one lady who has told about 50 of her friends that they all need to buy tickets from me (as long as people calling in ask for me, I get the sale). A few of her friends have called in so far, but I’m expected several more.

I was able to find a bathing suit that not only fits me, but I like! I’m pretty sure that’s a big accomplishment for anyone of any size, but for me, the task felt like it would be impossible. At least until I ordered some things online. Now I’m feeling pretty silly for stressing out over it.

I’m in a good place with my workouts right now. I’m still loving spin class (I mean, I even went on my birthday!). I’m excited to see how the workouts pay off when I go to Tahoe this weekend to see my parents. I’m not used to high elevation, so I’m expecting to have some issues with that. But hopefully I will feel stronger during the hiking and kayaking I’m planning on doing there.

And finally, I’m just all around happier right now. I’ve found that going outside my comfort zone has really allowed me to grow and become a better person. I don’t know others have noticed my increased happiness, but I have. I can mainly tell because I’m having fewer and fewer panic attacks. I still have my big triggers of needles and flying and I doubt those will ever go away. But even the big triggers aren’t affecting me as much as they used to. I’m flying tomorrow and usually by now, I have to start taking my medication to calm me down. I haven’t had to do that yet (I’ll probably starting taking them tonight so I don’t have a crazy panic attack on the plane).

So maybe all those years I was complaining about having bad luck I was bringing it onto myself. I don’t know if having a more positive mindset has changed my luck for the better, but either way, I’m planning on keeping the positivity in and the negativity out.

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Posted in Family, Fitness, Fun Stuff, Shopping, Tough Stuff, Travel

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Trying To Stay Calm (or Not Letting Panic Take Over)

Posted on April 26, 2013 | Comments Off on Trying To Stay Calm (or Not Letting Panic Take Over)

Today, I’m heading out to San Francisco for the weekend. I’m going to be staying with my brother and his fiancée and the main event for the trip is my future sister-in-law’s wedding dress fitting.

This trip was planned back in August, so I’ve known about it for a long time. But over the past few days, I’ve been getting increasingly panicky about the trip.

I’ve talked about my panic attacks before. Many of them are caused by something that I don’t know. But besides going to the dentist, one of the main reasons I get panic attacks is traveling and going or doing something unknown.

When I travel to see my parents, I know exactly what the airport is like, where I meet my parents to pick me up, when I call them to get me. Everything is easy because I’ve done it so many times before.

But I’ve never flown into the San Francisco airport (I’ve once flown out of it). This time, I’m taking public transportation to meet my brother at a location closer to his apartment where he will pick me up and take me to his place.

These are all unknowns. I’ve done a ton of research on the public transportation from the airport so it will seem at least a little familiar to me, but I’m still freaking out. And I know that this feeling won’t go away until I do it (it will lessen a bit when I take my panic meds right before flying, but I’m waiting until closer to flying time to take them).

My poor parents have both already talked with me while I’m panicky (my mom got to deal with a long rambling phone call where I feel like I must have sounded drunk). I know that they are trying to ease my stress and fears, but I know from past experience that nothing makes this go away until I finish the task.

I felt the same way when I did the Hollywood Half 5K. I didn’t know the course going into the event. I researched it a ton online, looked at Google street view, but I was still so nervous and panicky until I crossed the finish line.

I’m starting to realize that maybe I should treat my panic attacks the same way I treat my eating disorder. I know that I will have my eating disorder the rest of my life, I just have to get used to managing it. I will most likely have panic attacks the rest of my life. Instead of trying to avoid them, maybe I need to accept them and work on overcoming each one as they come.

Even knowing that, I can’t wait until I can take my meds, get on the plane, and get safely to my brother’s place so this will all be over! Well, until Sunday when I have to fly home.

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Putting Myself Out There (or No Time For Fakery)

Posted on January 9, 2013 | Comments Off on Putting Myself Out There (or No Time For Fakery)

The other night, I was getting things cleaned up around my house and had the tv on in the background. The tv show “Catfish” was on and I was half paying attention. I saw the movie “Catfish” and questioned the idea that it was a true documentary.

In case you don’t know the story of the movie “Catfish”, it’s about a guy named Nev who falls in love with a girl named Megan on Facebook. Nev decides that he wants to finally meet Megan in person, and that journey is filmed. It’s discovered that Megan was a fake profile started by a woman named Angela (she also created a ton of other fake profiles to make Megan seem more real).

The tv show is the same idea as the movie, except that Nev is now helping other people find out if the person that they are in love with online is the real person.

I’m still questioning how fake this show is. I know most reality tv is fake (at least partially), and I wonder who really wants to be outed as someone who tricks people on Facebook.

I don’t understand the idea of creating a fake Facebook profile to trick other people. It seems silly.

But I can understand not wanting to be yourself online.

About a year before I started this blog, I had another blog. I only wrote 2 posts on it, but I didn’t tell anyone that I started it. I also didn’t use my name. I didn’t pretend to be someone else, I just only used my middle name. I didn’t want people to know that it was me. I wasn’t ready to admit to the world about my eating disorder.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come since then. I’m happy to be open about everything in my life. I don’t care who knows that I have an eating disorder, credit card debt, or panic attacks. What I’ve learned is the more I share these things, the more my friends open up to me about their issues. I feel like so many of my friends and I are closer now than we were before, and if I was still trying to hide all of this, that never could happen.

I’m going to continue to be as truthful as I can on here, and I hope that it might inspire you a little to be more truthful in your own life as well.

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