Today is my grandma’s birthday. It’s not the first birthday to happen since she passed away. But it still feels fresh in a way in my mind. I forgot to turn off the reminder alarm on my phone to buy my grandma a birthday card, so I got the alert a week ago. I think before that happened, I almost forgot that her birthday was coming up.
I didn’t completely forget because I know her birthday is around Thanksgiving, but this year has been so odd that in a way I forgot that Thanksgiving is next week. So that reminder to buy a birthday card (which I have now removed), just brought things back to reality to me. And it hit me with a double punch. First, missing my grandma so much, and second, realizing again that I will not be seeing my family this year for Thanksgiving.
When the pandemic first hit, I know a lot of us tried to stay optimistic about Thanksgiving. It was half a year away so we thought that this might be done by then and we could have a family Thanksgiving. I remember when flights went on sale and I talked to my mom about if I should buy tickets. She told me to wait to buy them because things were still a bit unsure. I think it was over the summer that we finally said as a family that Thanksgiving wasn’t going to happen. I was supposed to have a small family Thanksgiving meal early with just my immediate family, but I missed that last week since I was sick. My parents did bring me some leftovers so I had Thanksgiving food, but it wasn’t exactly the same.
Even though I don’t see my family too often, I feel pretty close to them. I talk to my aunts and cousins throughout the year. Sometimes we are able to see each other more than once a year, but even if we can’t it doesn’t feel like any time has passed when we get together. I know if I needed something, I could call anyone in my family and they would help me. And seeing everyone once a year has been something that I have done for every year of my life. So missing out on it this year is hitting me really hard. It’s the only big tradition that my family has, and we can’t do it. I know that missing it this year is the right thing to do and it will keep us all healthy and able to have many more Thanksgivings in the future, but it doesn’t make it easier.
I am very lucky that everyone in my family is healthy and able to be safe. Even though I have a few family members who work in hospitals, they have what they need to protect themselves. I know that so many people can’t say that, so I am so grateful that is the case with my family. And while I loved my grandma so much, a few of us have said how we feel a little relief that we don’t have to worry about her right now. If she was still alive, I can’t imagine how difficult it would be for my family to be worried about her constantly since she was in a nursing home. And with the type of dementia that she had, I don’t know if she would have understood why nobody could visit her, and she might have been very upset with us all.
And at least my family has been able to be together once since my grandma passed away. We were able to have a little time to celebrate her life and share memories last year at Thanksgiving. I don’t know if you ever feel closure with someone’s death, but it did help me feel a little more closure that we were all together and remembering my grandparents. I think it also helped me come to terms with things because it almost felt like a fever dream when I found out my grandma passed away. I needed that time as a family and I’m so glad we were able to do that. But I still wish we could continue to have that time together this year.
By my grandma’s birthday next year, I hope that I will be having an easier time with it. I know that with other people who have passed away, each year their birthday is a little easier and a little less sad. I still miss them like crazy, but the day is more about remembering them and not mourning them. And hopefully by Thanksgiving next year, my family will be able to be together again and this missed Thanksgiving will just be a blip in our lives.
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Feeling Like Something Is Missing (or I Guess This Is Part Of The Grief Process)
Not The Family Visit I Planned On Having (or An LA Afternoon)
Skipping Over An Anniversary (or Forgetting But Not Forgetting)
Grandma’s Birthday Dinner (or One Of Our Thanksgiving Traditions)
The Rest Of Thanksgiving (or Getting In Lots Of Family Time)
Happy Birthday Grandma! (or Double Birthday Celebrations)
