Tag Archives: happiness

Doing The Opposite Of My Monthly Challenge (or Continuing To Focus On The Good)

Posted on August 4, 2020 | Comments Off on Doing The Opposite Of My Monthly Challenge (or Continuing To Focus On The Good)

My monthly challenge last month was to focus on things that made me happy. I really did want to update my happiness checklist to see if there were new things I could add and take some old things off. I have been using the same checklist for a while with very little editing. So I felt like it was time for an update.

My plan was to focus my month on what things were making me happy and keeping track of those so I could see what should be on my updated checklist. And that was a really good plan when the month started. That’s just not what happened. What I ended up doing was almost the exact opposite.

Instead of tracking what I was doing each day that made me happy, I noticed things that were not making me happy and seeing if I could eliminate them from my life. And while there are a lot of things I don’t like to do that I have to do, there were plenty of things that I could just stop doing or get rid of. For example, if there was someone annoying me on a dating app, I didn’t try to stick it out. I let them know I didn’t think we were a good match or I wasn’t interested and unmatched with them. I am starting to not feel the desperate need to try to make any match work. I know there are plenty of other guys I will match with. And when dating apps were annoying me in general, I stepped away from them. If I didn’t feel like doing dishes immediately (which I do try to do), I would rinse them off and wait a bit longer before scrubbing them. And when the entire day just felt like too much for me and I needed a break, I took a nap.

While I wasn’t necessarily finding things that made me happy, I was doing things to make my day happier. And I think that is a big accomplishment for me. My checklist might still be the same, but since the overall goal was to be happier I think I did accomplish that.

And my challenge for this month feels like a continuation of last month. I want to put focus on the good things in my life. This was inspired by a podcast I listen to that is all about the good happening in the world right now. There are good things in my life right now, even when it doesn’t feel like it. I am very lucky in many ways and I want to focus more on that.

So I’m going to work on tracking the good in my life each day. I’m going to do this along with my gratitude list that I do each evening. I’m going to try to make at least 2 of the things on my gratitude list things that are good each day. That way, even when I have a bad day I can remind myself that not everything is bad.

I need this challenge as being isolated is getting to me more and more. I don’t want my mental health to be a struggle and I can see how I can get to that point if I am not proactive about it. So this is something I am doing in order to make sure I stay more positive than pessimistic each day. I know this won’t fix everything or magically make my life better, but I know that it will at least force me to acknowledge that I do have good things in my life even when I don’t feel like that is true.

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Default ThumbnailTaking A Month To Reset (or This Doesn’t Really Feel Like A Monthly Challenge) Default ThumbnailAn Isolation Monthly Challenge (or Just Trying To Keep Things Going) Default ThumbnailMy August Challenge (or Being Selfish To Be Happy) Default ThumbnailAdjusting Monthly Challenges (or Books And Happiness) Default ThumbnailBuilding Upon My Monthly Challenge (or Continuing To Work On Shopping) Default ThumbnailMonthly Challenge Check-In (or Doing My Own Version Of An OTF Challenge This Month)

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Still Trying To Get Back To Normal (or Isolation Monthly Challenges Really Are Not Easy)

Posted on July 1, 2020 | Comments Off on Still Trying To Get Back To Normal (or Isolation Monthly Challenges Really Are Not Easy)

The beginning of another month brings one monthly challenge to an end and the start to another. And these challenges haven’t been my strong point lately. Figuring out challenges to do while I’m stuck at home shouldn’t be as tough as it is. But I’m also lacking some of the motivation I normally have. So even though a lot of the challenges I’ve done before could easily be done while at home, it’s not the same. I’m really trying my best, but I also know that I probably could do more.

My challenge last month was to try to get back on track with my physical and mental health. I really don’t know how to rate myself with that challenge. I think I took some great steps forward but also had some big falls back. I think my physical health had the most progress, mainly because I have figured out a few things that are helping me with food right now. Food is still a huge struggle for me, but anything that makes it a little easier is so nice. But my mental health took some serious swings. I recently had one of the lowest days I’ve had in a while. I got out of it quickly, but being in that type of funk isn’t good when I don’t have a lot of the usual things I can do to feel better.

And that inspired what my challenge will be for this month. I want to find new things that make me happy. I need to almost create a happiness checklist for isolation. What can I do to keep me happy that doesn’t require me to go out? For example, on my happiness checklist, I have going out for a meal because that does make me happy. Getting delivery food isn’t the same. So I need to figure out what else can temporarily replace that on the list. Same with the idea of going out with friends. I can’t do that right now. I need to find something that I can do in my house that gives me some happiness to replace it on the list.

Even though things are starting to reopen here, I don’t know how long that will last or if things will continue to reopen. Some things that have reopened and have needed to be closed again. So as much as I want to believe that things are getting better and I can start venturing out of my house more often, I’m trying to prepare myself for being in isolation at home for a lot longer. I don’t want to believe that it will take until there is a vaccine before that happens, but that might just be the case. If I have to stay home for a year in order to stay healthy then that’s what I’ll do. It’s not easy staying inside and as I’ve mentioned I am struggling a bit, but I have to remember that I’m doing this for a good reason. I just have to make staying home easier and more tolerable.

I wish I would gain some motivation back so I could do some better monthly challenges. But right now, I feel like I’m in survival mode and my brain really can’t take on too much. Maybe if I can find more ways to be happy, next month I can find a better challenge. But if all my challenges while in isolation are low effort like this, then that’s what will have to be. My time right now is not normal. I can’t expect to have my normal motivation either.

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Getting Back On Track (or Happiness and Budgeting)

Posted on March 3, 2020 | Comments Off on Getting Back On Track (or Happiness and Budgeting)

My challenge for February was to work on the happiness checklist that I’ve been using for quite a while now. The happiness checklist was originally something that my therapist suggested that I use and I really liked having it. Even though I have a new therapist, I still use it. I think there were even times where my old therapist told me that I didn’t have to keep using it, but I still did. There’s something about reminding myself every day that I did so some things that made me happy that I like having as a part of my day.

I have made a few changes to the things I have on the checklist, but it had been a long time since the last time I had re-evaluated what was on it and if they really were things that did make me happy if I did them. So last month, I worked on seeing what things I wanted to remove, what things I wanted to add, and what might just need to be reworded or changed a bit. It wasn’t a huge challenge or something that would take a ton of work, but I knew if I didn’t focus on it that I wouldn’t do it.

I used some scrap paper to write up some ideas for what I might want on my list and played around with those ideas. I had some ideas about doing a major change, but I realized that I was really just overthinking things and tried to spend a few days focusing on each thing on the list.

And by the end of the month, I really only made 2 changes. I took one thing off the list and replaced it with another and I reworded one other thing to make it feel like it makes more sense and covers more of the things that make me happy in that category. It was such a minor change, but it really felt like it refreshed the list and made a huge difference. It’s silly how those small changes feel so big, but I guess having one thing on the list that I didn’t feel belonged on there affected me more than I realized.

Going along with the idea that small changes can make a big impact on my life, I found another tracking thing that I want to work on for this month. I used to be really good about budgeting and was having a lot of success with YNAB. I started to slack off a bit toward the end of the year for a few different reasons and I told myself that I would get back to it in the new year. But I also did an upgrade on my computer and I had to upgrade to the new YNAB system, which is significantly different from the old one. I did set things up with the new system, but I really haven’t been using it.

I also skipped over some of the online tutorials that I probably should have done before setting it up. I know that I need to learn about the new changes so I can use it properly and I want to get back into budgeting. I have the potential to really do better with budgeting and planning with my money and I don’t want to miss that chance by screwing things up. So this month, I want to work on going through some of the online tutorials and getting my budget set up again. I know this will be a challenge that will require a lot of work this month and will likely require work for a while, but the reward I will get from doing it will be worth it.

I want to know where my money is going and where I can possibly cut back. I want to see what things that feel like splurges are actually within my budget and I don’t have to feel guilty about. And I need to know what everyday things I am probably wasting money on and shouldn’t be indulging on. And the only way to accomplish this is to get back to my budgeting work and have everything set up the way I had it set up in the past.

I hope that I don’t get too frustrated working on the budgeting work. I was dealing with a bit of that when I set up the new system, but I also know I wasn’t giving it a fair shot. So this month is my chance to really try and see if I can make it work again. And if I can’t, then I need to find another way to work on budgeting because this is not something I can avoid doing.

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Default ThumbnailAdjusting Monthly Challenges (or Books And Happiness) Default ThumbnailAnother Therapist Check In (or Showing Off My Happiness Checklist) Default ThumbnailJust A Little Bit More Reflection (or Evaluating My Happiness Checklist) Default ThumbnailBudgeting and Spending (or Sharing YNAB With A Cashier) Default ThumbnailFood And Budgeting (or Combining The Two Things I Often Struggle With) Default ThumbnailGoing Back To An Old Habit (or Finding Control With Budgeting)

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Adjusting Monthly Challenges (or Books And Happiness)

Posted on February 4, 2020 | Comments Off on Adjusting Monthly Challenges (or Books And Happiness)

Last month, I set a monthly challenge to only read self-help/improvement books. I really was excited about this challenge because I had so many books on my library list that I wanted to read. I thought I’d be able to go through a big chunk of that list and I started the challenge assuming it would be easy to do and I’d get it done.

Then, only a week into the month, I realized that this challenge might not be the right one for me. It was actually stressing me out to not have reading as an escape and I had to read something that wouldn’t make me have to think too much. I wasn’t sure what a new version of the challenge would be, but I was open to exploring other options. But this was before I started to feel horrible so I think my ideas just weren’t realistic for me. All the ideas that I was thinking about trying just didn’t happen.

What I did end up doing was spending one or two days reading a self-help/improvement book after completing a fun book. This ended up being once or twice a week so I did get quite a bit of reading done in the book I started working on. I think part of the struggle was how close to home the book I was reading was hitting me and it was tough to get through. I was taking everything in that I was reading and I had to take some time to let it sit. I didn’t want to start reading another chapter when I was still thinking about what I just read. So only reading a little bit at a time and then taking a break did end up working for me. That just wasn’t what I was planning on doing. But this routine is working for me right now and I plan on continuing it as I work through this book and hopefully as I read a few more books I have on my list.

I’m not declaring last month’s challenge a total fail because I did adjust things as I need them. That’s not something I normally do, but I am proud of myself for realizing I did need to do that in order to have a bit of success.

This month, I’m doing a challenge that I’ve told myself I needed to do for a while. It’s been a long time since my old therapist had me work on a happiness checklist. I’ve made some minor changes to the list, but for the most part, I have the same things on it that I’ve had since the beginning. And that’s just not working for me anymore. I need to take some time to find what makes me happy and what doesn’t and adjust the checklist accordingly. And in the past, when I’ve tried to change up what’s on the checklist, I don’t think I’ve taken enough time.

There are a few things on the list that are easy for me to decide that I want to remove. Either they aren’t important to me anymore or they are things that I don’t feel add to my happiness in life. For example, getting 10,000 steps is currently on my list, but I don’t really care as much about this anymore. I would love to be able to get 10,000 steps a day done, but that’s not always possible. When I’m extremely busy with work or I’m feeling nauseous, I know I won’t get my steps in. And I don’t want to stress about not getting that done just so it can be checked off when I don’t care.

But when it comes to what I want to add to the list, that’s a bit harder for me. There are some things that I think would be good on the list, but I don’t know if I want to have it as something I worry about getting done. So this month, I want to test out a few different ideas to see how doing them regularly affects me (or stresses me) and I also want to take notes on other things that make me happy or bring me joy. I might discover something I didn’t think about having on the list because doing it randomly made me so happy.

I’m not going to rush into making any final decisions about what I want on the list until closer to the end of the month, but I will play around with different list ideas and probably make some mock-up checklists to see if they feel right to me. Right now, I have 10 things on my list, but I don’t know if that is going to stay the same. I don’t know if I want to have way more than 10 or how low I want to go below 10. 10 seems like a good number, but it doesn’t have to stay there if I discover having 9 or 11 on the list works better for me.

Hopefully, at the end of this month, I will have a better idea of what I want my checklist to be. I might not have the final checklist idea, but I want to have at least some adjustments to it to reflect what makes me happy a bit more. And by having a better checklist, I hope that I can find ways to be happier more often and I will find the checklist as useful to me as it was when I started using it.

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Finding Little Things To Make Me Happy (or Shopping And Text Groups)

Posted on November 8, 2019 | Comments Off on Finding Little Things To Make Me Happy (or Shopping And Text Groups)

I have been in a bit of a down mood lately. To me, this is obvious in the posts that I have been writing. But it took me a while to be in a place where I want to work out of the funk. I know that this is probably due to a few different factors, some of which I have no power over and can’t control. And just fixing the ones I’m in control of (such as getting enough sleep) hasn’t been enough to make me feel better. I’ve had more depressive episodes before, so I knew this wasn’t anything serious. But I still don’t enjoy being in a down mood for an extended period of time.

I finally was ready to work on fixing this over the past few days. It’s not easy to get yourself out of a bad mood, but I wanted to work on it where I could. Like I said before, getting enough sleep has been a big fix I’ve been needing to work on. I still am struggling a bit with falling asleep when I should, but at least now I’m getting to bed at a more appropriate time and not staying up doing other things until very late. But since this wasn’t enough of an improvement, I’ve been working on finding other things that I know make me very happy.

Fortunately, it’s the time of year for me to do some gift shopping for my family. I bring Hanukkah presents for my family to Thanksgiving, so I only have a few weeks left to do my shopping. But because I’m a bit crazy, I had gift ideas as soon as I had bought their gifts last year. A few gifts have changed since then, but I’ve been having so much fun doing some shopping and trying to figure out the perfect gifts to get for everyone. I’m also bringing birthday presents for my parents to Thanksgiving to give them those early since I had ideas for those as well.

If I had unlimited money, I would spend so much buying presents for other people. I get so much joy out of finding the perfect gift and seeing how happy it makes someone. I do have to be careful with how much money I spend on presents, but I will always find a way to get presents for my family. I don’t have to get them expensive things if they are creative. And I seem to be good at finding unique and creative gifts. I have all the presents picked out now for my family, and I’m already so excited to give them what I got and see how much they like them. (sorry dad, if you are reading this and were hoping to get some hints of what I got you)

And while I haven’t been feeling particularly social while I’ve been down, I do still crave being social a bit. Going out isn’t always the best option when I’m in a mood, but texting can still keep me from feeling isolated. And I’ve really been enjoying different group texts that I’m a part of as well as texting with my friends individually.

One of my text groups is with my friends from Orangetheory. We have always been a bit silly in that group so that is appreciated no matter if I’m in a good mood or bad mood. We will share random GIFs and memes and joke around about the workouts. We aren’t always in the same class together (and one friend in the group doesn’t live in LA anymore), but it is nice to have workout friends to chat with even if we aren’t in class. I’ve got another texting group with other Orangetheory friends, but those aren’t as active as the main one I’m in.

I also started a text group for women in the online dating FB group I’m a part of. I created it for safety because not everyone has a friend that they can use as an online dating safety buddy as I do. The text group is for us to share the information of who we are meeting and where just as a safety measure. And we check back into the group when the date is done and we are safe. I don’t love that we have to be so cautious, but it’s necessary and I’m glad we have a safe space with no judgment. I am glad I’ve always had a friend that I can use for this and not worry about what she thinks, but I’m even more glad now that I’ve created a space for others to use when they didn’t have someone. That group is very new so we haven’t had a lot of texting yet, but we have been sharing a bit of silly stuff as well. But what makes me happy about it is that I was able to start a group like that and feel like I have done something that would benefit others.

I can still feel a bit of my down mood lingering, but I’m so glad it’s starting to lift.  I have to stay aware because if I don’t keep working on it I know that things might go back to being down again. Knowing that I have some ongoing things that are making me feel better helps, but I’m going to keep working on finding more things that will bring me joy and make things feel more normal for me again.

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff, Shopping, Tough Stuff

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Just A Little Bit More Reflection (or Evaluating My Happiness Checklist)

Posted on January 9, 2019 | Comments Off on Just A Little Bit More Reflection (or Evaluating My Happiness Checklist)

In my million posts about the new year, I mentioned how I do a lot of reflection this time of year. Even though it’s an arbitrary start date (like people who say they will start something on Monday or when the next month starts), it still feels like a start or a clean break. There’s just something about a new year that makes me want to work on myself and see what I can improve upon.

I feel like I have done a lot of reflection and so many of the things I have done recently have been good things for me. I have very few regrets about what I’ve been doing lately and even the things I regret aren’t as bad as they have been in the past. But there are still things I know I could do better and that’s something that I’ve been thinking about this week.

I’ve been doing my happiness checklist for quite a while now. I find it a very valuable tool for me to use to make sure that I take time for myself each day to do at least one thing that makes me happy. There is never an expectation for me to do everything on the list (and I don’t think I’ve actually ever done that), but it’s good for me to check in with myself. And even on my worst days, it’s nice to remember that I have done some things that make me happy in a day. It doesn’t always make me feel better, but it does take the edge off of a really bad day.

I’ve made a few changes on my checklist since I started it, but I haven’t made a change on it recently. And as I have been filling out my checklists the past few days, I’ve been feeling like they aren’t necessarily the right things to have on there. They are things that make me happy, but either I do them every day and I don’t know if they should be on there or they are a bit too specific and I don’t get to do them as often as I’d like. And then there is one or two things on the list that I know should make me happy but they don’t necessarily do so. And I’ve been having weird guilt feelings about why I don’t feel happy when I know that they should.

So it is definitely time for me to work on redoing my happiness checklist. I need to take time and really think about things that do make me happy. And maybe I need to find new categories to have on there that combine a few things. For example, I had beauty stuff on the list originally but took it off because I didn’t do it often enough nor did I want to do it more often. And now I have watching movies on the list but sometimes I don’t want to watch a movie and I feel like I should at some point in a week to be able to check it off. I don’t know if doing a general category like “self-care” would be right to do on there, but there has to be a better way for me to categorize things.

I think the problem for me in the past is I felt like if I was going to make a change on the list that I have to do it immediately and move on. That’s a bit how it started when my therapist told me to do this. I felt like I needed to get it set up so I could start working on doing a check in every day. I didn’t think about it enough and that’s why I had to make changes early on. I also probably have the issue with feeling like once I set something up that it needs to stay that way and I am not as flexible as I feel like I am. That’s something I know I am working on and this is a great way for me to do just that.

As much as I’d love to have my new checklist set up tonight, I know that doing that is the wrong move. It is causing me a bit of anxiety to not know when it will be ready and I will start using that, but I need to sit in those feelings. I hear all the time that change only happens outside of your comfort zone and I know that keeping my checklist the way it is or setting up a new one immediately is the comfortable way. I need to be in the uncomfortable space now and hopefully that time will allow me to reflect and work on it and I will be better for it in the long run.

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Posted in Fun Stuff, Tough Stuff

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Spreading Some Holiday Cheer (or Finding Cheaper Ways To Make People Smile)

Posted on December 20, 2018 | Comments Off on Spreading Some Holiday Cheer (or Finding Cheaper Ways To Make People Smile)

With it being the holiday season, so many people do things to try to make others smile. I love seeing the happiness and cheer this time of year and I try to participate however I can. If money wasn’t an issue, I would do so much for friends and strangers alike. That’s not the case for me so I do have to find out how to do things for less money.

I don’t have to worry about buying too many presents which does help with spending. I really only get presents for my immediate family and I already did those gifts. I work hard on those gifts and try to find the best things that I can afford. Fortunately, the gifts I’ve done the past few years have been less expensive than they appear to be so that helps. And since I get one gift for my parents and one gift for my brother and sister-in-law, that helps too. I don’t have to worry about getting 4 presents and can focus on 2 really good ones.

The only other gift I had to do this year was for the Reddit Secret Santa. I’ve done a few of these Reddit gift exchanges before and they have always been fun. Again, I would love to spend way more money than the suggested amount to get everything the person I got matched with asked for. But I have to read into what they want and really try to find the best thing that I can afford. This year, the person I got mentioned how they wanted to learn more about the science of cooking and they love popcorn. So I found a great book all about cooking and why things happen with different preparations as well as some fancy popcorn salt. The person I matched with posted online about how they loved the gifts and they fit exactly what they were looking for. So even though I couldn’t spend a ton of money, I got them something they liked and appreciated.

My presents from my Reddit Secret Santa have been coming in a few different boxes. There is still one more box coming and I don’t know what is in it, but I’ve gotten 2 presents so far. Just like the person I matched with, in my profile I mentioned I love popcorn and my Secret Santa got me a variety of gourmet microwave popcorn flavors! I also mentioned I like historical fiction books and they got me a box set of books that are about female pirates. I have no idea what the last box will contain, but I’m excited to see what they got me since these gifts have been so cool so far!

Another holiday thing that I’ve done the past few years is to do holiday cards. I don’t do anything with my photo since it seems weird to do that when I don’t have my own family (or a pet), so I can buy just regular cards in a store or online. For a few years, I did cards with envelopes and those were easy enough to do. But to save money as my holiday card list has grown, I did postcards last year and am doing the same this year. Postcard stamps are about half the cost of regular stamps so that is a pretty significant savings for me. And since the cards are always pretty simple ones, it’s not a big deal for me to do postcards instead of cards in envelopes.

I’ve been a bit slow with getting my postcards out this year. Normally I have them out toward the beginning of the month, but this time I’m still working on finishing them. I’m hoping to get them to the post office by tomorrow, but I’m not sure if I’ll make that deadline. But it’s ok if they arrive after Christmas since they aren’t specific to any holiday. And I know that since most people don’t get things in the mail, it will make them happy even if they arrive in January. No matter when they get them, it will be something special and not just boring bills in their mailbox.

I’m also starting to get holiday cards from my friends which makes me so happy too. I do get a lot of joy out of doing things for other people, but I also enjoy getting things myself. I always feel special that someone has included me in their holiday card list and I love seeing the fun cards that people send out. A lot of my friends that send cards have kids so it’s also a nice treat to get to see what pictures of their kids that they have on the cards.

It hasn’t been the easiest holiday season for me due to stress and worries, but I’m glad that it hasn’t stopped me from still finding ways to celebrate the holidays and to do special things. I know I don’t do a lot, but it’s something and I’m glad that the people who get things from me appreciate even the little things I can do.

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Posted in Celebrations, Fun Stuff

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Staying Strong And Having Standards (or Still Learning From Dating)

Posted on October 26, 2018 | 1 comment

So many of the changes I’ve made in my life over the past few years seem to come from things I’ve dealt with in online dating. I’ve questioned if it’s a good thing that I’m discovering so much about myself through dating and how men see me, but I’m starting to think it’s a good thing. This isn’t just about dating, but dating makes it a different environment. I’ve always been a people pleaser, but I’ve notice that this can also allow for people to walk over me. And this wasn’t as clear to me before as it has become after a guy treated me that way. So I’m just thinking that dating has given me a new perspective to view behaviors in my life and how I react to them.

I do still have things to work on and those issues are much clearer to me now, but I feel like I have become a much more confident person recently once I stopped worrying as much about what men think of me. I’ve allowed myself to be rude when it was warranted. I never would have done that before because I didn’t want someone to think I wasn’t kind or nice. But there are times where it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks because you need to do what is going to give you the answers or life you need. I still won’t be mean out of nowhere and I do hesitate to reject a guy when I’m questioning some things. I will always err on the side of being nice, but when I need to stand up for myself I will do so.

I’ve had a few chances to do that this past week, both with guys that I had gone out with about a year ago. It’s weird how guys from my past seem to reach out around the same time, but it has happened that way more than once. With these guys, things ended for different reasons so while my feelings about them were both something I questioned I still had different feelings.

For one guy, it didn’t end that well. It doesn’t matter why it ended, but it was something that made me mad and I held on to that feeling longer than I should have. He reached out to me to say how he missed me and wanted to see me again. And I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I was willing to see him even though he didn’t treat me that well before. But of course, even before I could see him he ended up treating me with the same lack of respect that he had before. I did allow it last year and I guess he thought he could still treat me the same way. But I called him out on the behavior and I didn’t see him. If he reaches out to me again, I would love to say I would ignore him but I honestly don’t know. It seems like some people are harder to kick out of your life than others.

The second guy was someone who I went out with a few times. Things ended because we were in different places in our lives. He had a bit of an issue with follow through when making plans, which annoyed me, but nothing was that bad. It ended, but it didn’t feel like it was for any reason other than I didn’t want to waste my time if I wasn’t feeling totally certain about him. And with that feeling, someone could change my mind because the things that didn’t work are things that could easily be fixed.

With this guy, I was very clear about my stance on what I am looking for and that if he didn’t want the same I didn’t want to waste time. He said he wanted the same and we made plans to see each other. And based on all my past experience I shouldn’t have been surprised when again he lacked the follow through for making plans. And I’m more than happy to call him out on it if he reaches out again. If someone wants to date me, they have to make plans and do those. Or if they need to reschedule they need to let me know. They can’t just say that we will be seeing each other after work on a certain day and then never make plans even after I text to ask what we are doing. This is something that can be changed, but I also know that I can’t go into something wanting someone to change. They need to want the change for themselves.

In the past, I would be terrified to let either of these guys out of my life or to stand strong on what I want and what I deserve. I would have felt lucky that anyone was interested in me and would be doing whatever it takes to not be too much work for them to want to be with. I would not allow myself to have my own standards and conform to theirs because I wouldn’t feel like I had the right to want something different. This has been a very tough thing for me to overcome because I had heard that I didn’t deserve it for so many years. But I’m so glad that the automatic thinking that was in my head for a majority of my life is starting to chip away.

I have no clue if I will give either of these guys another chance, but I know for sure that if I do allow them one I will continue to be strong in what I want and deserve.

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A Milestone Birthday (or I Have A Feeling 35 Will Be Awesome)

Posted on August 9, 2018 | 2 comments

Today is my birthday. I’ve shared on here each year about how my birthday is something I love to celebrate. And I’ve done some awesome things for milestone birthdays in the past. For my Sweet 16, I went on a vacation to Catalina with my mom, my grandma, and 3 friends. For my 18th birthday, I got to get a limo and go to a musical and dessert in San Francisco with several friends. My 21st birthday was a little bit of a bust because of my work schedule, but I still went out for my first legal drink. And even though I didn’t do a huge party or event when I turned 30, it was still celebrated with friends.

Last year I wrote about how I was excited to see how 34 would be for me. I had ended a streak of what felt like bad luck and really thought things were turning around. And even though I had some setbacks and some things that weren’t the best in this past year, I think I had a pretty amazing year. I did so many things that made me feel more confident and that bettered myself. Looking back at 34, I think it was a great year and I don’t have many regrets about things.

Today I am 35. There’s no way to deny I’m in my mid-30s now. And this is a milestone birthday for me, but I don’t feel like it’s that big of a deal. This isn’t me thinking it’s not a big deal because birthdays don’t matter for some people as they get older (I still love my birthday as much as ever), but the idea of it being a milestone because of a number versus what I was able to accomplish at a certain age just doesn’t sit right with me anymore. And I’m not freaking out over my age or anything so to be in my mid-30s isn’t something that bothers me.

But I’m so happy with how I am going into being 35. I’m in a much better place in my life than I have many times in the past and I think that will make this year so much better for me. I don’t care as much about what other people think about me so I’m not stressed out about pleasing everyone. I am putting myself first in many aspects of my life and making sure I’m happy before trying to make someone else happy. I know other friends have talked about how they start caring less about making other people happy as they get older, but I never thought I’d feel that way because I have always been a people pleaser. I’m glad to see that it’s true for me as well and I’m focusing on prioritizing my happiness.

I’m not in the best place financially and I’m still single and dating, but those are both things that I’m not necessarily in control of and I’m making efforts to make things better. I think part of what is making me happy is knowing that I am working on them and not stressing that things are perfect right now. I also know that money and having a boyfriend or husband isn’t going to make me happy on their own. I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with outside things.

Even though this is a milestone birthday age, I’m not really doing a big party or a hangout to get drinks with my friends. Everyone has such crazy schedules and any dates I could find would make it so that several people I wanted to celebrate with couldn’t make it. So instead of doing just one party, I’m trying to do a birthday month where I do lots of little gatherings. This will also allow me to spend more time with each friend and I won’t feel as overwhelmed about feeling like I need to be a good hostess to everyone. Also, I’m fine with celebrating my birthday over the entire month because I love birthdays!

I feel like 35 is going to be a great year for me. Every year I feel like things keep getting better and better for me. They aren’t necessarily turning out exactly what I thought they would be like, but each year I find new things that make me happy that I didn’t consider before. So while I do have ideas of what could make me happy this year, I’m not going to focus too much on making those happen. If they do, that’s awesome. If they don’t, I know that other things I wasn’t expecting will happen and I’ll be writing about those in a year with how happy they made me.

Today is going to be a day just like most days. I’m working and I’ve got other things I need to do. I’m not able to take the day off and honestly even if I could I don’t know what I would do. I know that all the amazing things that happened last year happened while I was working and doing my regular routine. So by doing the same thing today maybe something awesome will happen that I wasn’t expecting. But I will be celebrating as I work and throughout the month!

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So Much Reading (or Really Taking Advantage Of The Library)

Posted on August 2, 2018 | Comments Off on So Much Reading (or Really Taking Advantage Of The Library)

As you may have seen from recent posts of mine, things have been a bit weird for me. I’ve been going through some things and I know I’ll be through them soon enough. And fortunately, some of these issues have already started to resolve themselves and things are feeling a bit more normal again. It’s still not totally normal, but it’s so much better than it was just a week ago.

Whenever things are weird for me, I do try to find the moments of normal where I can. I’ve learned in therapy regarding my panic attacks that you focus on what is in front of you and real and hold on to that to get over the panic. And when things are weird, I find the normal things and hold on to those. This time of weirdness seemed like it was endless and I couldn’t find much to hold on to, but I was able to connect more than ever with reading and used that to work through things.

I’ve always been a big reader and I am always reading something. For longer than I would like to admit, I bought a ton of books. Even when I got my first e-reader I bought a lot of e-books since they were pretty inexpensive and way too easy to purchase. When I got my Kindle, I was in the same bad habit with buying books since it’s so simple. But when I got more serious about my financial situation, I realized book spending was the one I needed to cut back on and that’s when I got a new library card so I could take advantage of the library again.

I rarely go to the library near me to get physical books because I do love to read on my Kindle. I still love reading physical books, but my Kindle is really convenient and easy. And I don’t feel like it’s looking at a computer screen since it is a reading only Kindle and not the tablet type (like my iPad is). And the library e-book selection really is great and they have been good at getting the books I recommend. So even if the books I’m looking for are a part of their collection when I’m looking for it that moment, more often than not they will purchase it and then I can get the e-book.

I also love how it’s so easy to get a Kindle book from the library. If I’m in bed and finish a book I can just go to the library website to find a new book and have it sent to my Kindle instantaneously. We live in a world of instant gratification and this is one of the best examples of it. I have gotten close to the borrowing limits from the library, but I haven’t gone over just yet. I have a feeling it’s only a matter of time before that happens though.

It’s not always easy for me to find new books to read, but I do look at Kindle recommendations (I just don’t purchase the books) and there are a few different websites that share when new books are released or can recommend books based on other books you’ve liked. Lately I’ve discovered a few new book series that have been fun to read and I’ve been flying through them.

While things have been weird, I have done a ton of reading. It wasn’t just that I was loving what I was reading (although that is a part of it) but it really was just helping me feel centered and away from any issues I had been dealing with. It was my life-preserver for that moment and I think that reading is a pretty healthy one to have compared to what other people might turn to in moments of weirdness. It also helps that right now is the slow time at my work so I have been able to spend a lot of time during my work hours reading as well.

There have only been a few brief times where I wasn’t as big of a reader as I am now. My entire childhood was surrounded by books. So many life moments are remembered by what books I was reading at that time. In college I still read, but it wasn’t something I did every day and I think that had to do with how much reading I had to do in college. But in my last semester of college my class load was pretty much only 1 day a week so I had lots of free time and got back into reading. And since then my love of reading has only gotten stronger and stronger.

But now, I feel like my reading obsession is the strongest it’s ever been. I’ve found a new love for reading beyond just the act of reading. It helped me feel sane when I know that things could have been worse for me. It is my greatest act of self-care and I don’t know if I really considered reading self-care the way I do now. I’ve always considered it a habit that makes me happy and have it on my happiness checklist, but that feels like something different to me. I’ve never considered how good for my mental health reading could be and I’m so glad that I had it to turn to when I was struggling recently.

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