Tag Archives: binge eating

Finding A Community (or Online Motivation)

Posted on December 5, 2014 | Comments Off

For a long time, my weight issues were a solitary thing. Even though clearly people could see that I have an issue with food by looking at me, it wasn’t something that I openly shared.

When I did the RFO diet at UCLA, that changed a bit. I started attending group therapy (instead of solo therapy) and I found people who I could somewhat relate to. But even with my group at RFO, I never fully fit in. I was very much the youngest one there. And almost everyone else had a husband and family to worry about and have to cook for. I, on the other hand, was just me and didn’t have to focus on anyone else in my life eating food on a daily basis.

I’m still in touch with several of the women I met through RFO, but I haven’t been a part of that program for years.

Then, when I started my blog, I realized that sharing my issues was allowing me to be more open with the people I love and I found out how many other people were hiding their issues. It really helped me realize that I’m not alone.

And then this year, I found another community to share and be open with. My Orangetheory family. I never realized how connected I could be to workout friends. At SoulCycle, while I did have friends who came with me to the workout, I never made friends in class (except with a few of the instructors). But at Orangetheory, I’ve not only made friends with the staff and coaches, I have friends that I’ve made in the workout class as well!

It has been so helpful to have someone there to cheer me on on the next treadmill (and save my favorite treadmill for me when I’m not there first). Also, it’s nice to have someone there to chat with before class starts or to vent with when we are in the middle of a tough class.

I never knew how much I needed this support until I had it.

And then this past weekend, I’ve joined what will hopefully be another community to motivate me and support me. I signed up for the Tone It Up plan. I had heard about this plan before and was pretty intrigued. It’s a one-time fee for the plan (and all the updates that they do) plus being a part of their online community. I didn’t have the money for a while, but I got some money for Hanukkah and I spent some of it on this.

There are Facebook groups for this plan and I’ve joined the groups that are local to me. And I put out a message to the other group members that I work out at Orangetheory and would love some more workout friends.

Instantly, everyone in the group made me feel so welcome and many of them are going to work out with me in the coming weeks.

It’s so funny that for so long I thought that I needed (and wanted) to be alone while dealing with all my food issues. But now that I have people who are supporting me along the way, I can’t imagine not having my own personal cheering squad with me every step.

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Posted in Fitness, Food, Fun Stuff, Health, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

Tagged binge eating, community, diet, eating disorder, food, friends, Orangetheory, workout

Counting Every Calorie (or Seeing Things In Black and White)

Posted on October 24, 2014 | Comments Off

The other day I seriously went crazy with food. Not just a little. Crazy to the point I felt sick.

Usually when this happens, I make sure that when I’m done I throw out any remaining “bad” food so I can start over the next day. And since I track my calories, I put in something into the MyFitnessPal app so it doesn’t show that I skipped a day.

That’s not exactly how things went this week.

First of all, I forgot to throw out all of the “bad” food. And so when I discovered it the next day, I decided to eat it for breakfast (I have no clue why I did this).

So I was already feeling pretty horrible about my day after eating something I shouldn’t have first thing in the morning. But I decided to make myself accountable for what I did.

First, I went back to the day before and entered in all the foods I ate. I went well over my calorie goal for the day, but at least I had a number to put to it.

Then I entered what I ate in the morning. It was over half of my calories for the day. But by having that information in, I found a way to manage my calories for the rest of the day so that with my workout that afternoon, I was just under my calorie goal for the day.

Taking the emotions out of food is really helping me. While I’m in the moment of weakness and eating what I shouldn’t, it’s a completely emotional experience (even if that emotion is being numb). But when I regain my senses, putting the calories of everything down really does help put things into perspective.

I could have easily said that I screwed up with my breakfast so why not screw up for the entire day. And I’ve done that over and over again. It’s so easy to believe that you will start being good tomorrow or after the weekend or after the holidays. But starting over right after the “bad” meal is really the best.

I hate that I’m still struggling with all of this. I wish that it would just go away. But the reality is that I will most likely have these issues for the rest of my life. Hopefully it won’t be as frequent as it is now (which is way less frequent than it used to be), but I have to allow myself to have slip-ups.

And at least by tracking everything I can see that I didn’t really screw up and that I can get back on track and still have a successful day.

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Posted in Food, Health, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

Tagged binge, binge eating, calories, eating disorder, food, my fitness pal

Another Set Back (or Why Can’t I Just Learn My Lesson)

Posted on September 25, 2014 | Comments Off

The other day, I had another food set back. I had everything planned out perfectly for the day, but it just never worked out for me.

I shouldn’t have been hungry, but I was. And since I don’t keep a ton of food in my house (or many reasons), I ordered delivery food.

This was not a smart decision for many reasons. But at the time, it seemed like the only option to make myself not feel hungry anymore.

The food didn’t taste that great. It used to, but since I’ve been avoiding foods like this for a while, my body doesn’t crave them the way it used to. Even though it didn’t taste great, I ate it.

The one positive I’ve found out of this situation is that I was not able to eat even half of what I used to eat. I was too full and was starting to feel sick right away. So I did the only thing that sounded sane to me at the time.

I covered all the remaining food in household cleaner and put it straight into my garbage can outside. That way, the food would not tempt me any longer.

That night was horrible for me. I’ve had issues with my gallbladder in the past (many women on my mom’s side have had issues so it’s not a surprise that I do). I used to get gallbladder attacks a few times a year. I’ve been to the hospital for them, but it hasn’t gotten to the point where they want to remove my gallbladder (nor do I want to deal with any more surgeries than I have to).

I haven’t had a gallbladder attack in about a year or so. I was just talking to my mom about how many my gallbladder issues are gone now.

But that night, I had one of the worst gallbladder attacks I’ve ever had.

If you’ve never experienced gallbladder issues, you are lucky. The pain is incredible and it seems like no painkiller can help. The pain is in your spine and ribcage and there seems to be no position you can sit, stand, or lay down in to get comfortable. I spent that night in horrible pain and maybe slept for an hour or two total (in 10 or 15 minute spurts).

I know that setbacks are normal and that I have to understand that they will happen. But I’m hoping that somehow I will learn my lesson at least a little from this setback. The gallbladder issue was most likely caused by too much fat in the meal that I ate. And I know that other setbacks I’ve had in the past have not been as bad as this one was.

While I’m sure I will still have a craving for this food again (even though I know in my head that it won’t taste that good), I’m hoping that I will remember the pain that I felt after eating it this time. If it doesn’t prevent me from getting the food altogether, maybe it will help me eat less of it or to not order all that I did before.

But I am very proud to say that after this one setback I got back on track again the next morning. I didn’t allow myself to have a bad week because of a bad meal. And the weight that I gained from this setback is almost all gone now.

So maybe I have learned something from my past self.

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Posted in Food, Health, Tough Stuff

Tagged binge, binge eating, food

Not Letting A Slip Up Be A Set Back (or I Splurged Again)

Posted on July 18, 2014 | 3 comments

While I thought I had learned my lesson about splurge meals, I guess I didn’t. I did another splurge meal, but it was more of an afternoon than a meal.

A little back story.

Over the years, certain grocery stores feel “unsafe” to me. I know where the things are that I like to eat, and with muscle memory it seems like I just walk to those foods and put them in my basket. So I’ve avoided certain grocery stores over the past few years.

Now I go to 2 different stores near my house, an Albertsons and a Trader Joes. I used to go to Albertsons a lot more, but there are more “bad” foods for me there. So I only go for certain items that I know I can get at Trader Joes (which used to include a specific sparkling flavored water but I haven’t had one of those in over a month).

But even though I go to this particular Trader Joes, it’s starting to feel unsafe for me.

Yesterday, I had to go to Trader Joes to pick up a few items (mainly household things). I decided that since I wasn’t doing my usual shopping, I wouldn’t walk through the aisles the way I typically do. I thought that would shock my muscle memory and I would be able to walk out with just the few things I needed.

I got my items but ended up right next to one of my “bad” foods, which happens to be the fresh mozzarella. I wasn’t planning on buying it (I didn’t need it), but somehow it ended up in my basket along with a few other things that I used to eat all the time but have tried to avoid lately.

And like I was on auto-pilot I bought those items, brought them home, and ate them (in a particular order which I’ve always done).

And as soon as I did it I felt sick. There was no need for me to eat these things. Looking back, I had forgotten to eat at all before going to the grocery store (the graveyard shifts throw off my meal times) and that was a huge mistake. I try to never go to the store hungry. Not only does that make me feel like I need a certain food, my willpower is lowered and I just don’t think about it.

But I’m trying to tell myself that just because I had a bad few hours yesterday doesn’t mean I can’t have good hours after that. In the past, I would always tell myself that I could start a diet on “Monday” (Monday is really any arbitrary day in the future). I would tell myself that I would get what I wanted until then and then once “Monday” comes I’ll be good.

I’m not doing that this time. Today is a workout day at Orangetheory Fitness and I have all my meals for the day planned out (and I’ll be under my calorie goal so that will help with the excess of calories from yesterday).

This is progress for me. It might not seem like it, but I know that it is. I just have to accept that slip ups will happen from time to time and that I have to be ok with that. And that I can get back on track immediately and don’t need to go crazy.

I’m going to try to eliminate those “bad” foods from my diet, but I’m slowly removing “bad” foods. I haven’t gotten any fast food in a month (unless you count one In-N-Out burger on the way to Lake Tahoe). And there some delivery food that I used to get way too often and I haven’t ordered it for 3 weeks (which is really good for me). And there are other foods from Trader Joes that are “bad” and I have been able to avoid getting them for over a week.

It’s baby steps, but there is progress. I’m just trying to be patient with myself and more accepting of my flaws and slip ups. And just because I’m accepting doesn’t mean I’m ok with them. I just know that I can’t be too harsh on myself because if I do, I’ll just go back to how things used to be.

3 Comments

Posted in Food, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

Tagged binge eating, eating disorder, progress, splurge, Trader Joes

My First OA Meeting (or Celebrating A Friend’s Milestone)

Posted on July 9, 2014 | 4 comments

About a month or so ago a friend of mine invited me to check out Overeaters Anonymous with her. Since the group is anonymous and my friend has asked me not to share her name, I’m going to refer to her as E. (that’s not one of her initials so don’t start going through my old posts trying to figure out who E. is).

I wasn’t able to go with E. for a while, but then she asked me again recently. This time, she asked me to attend a particular meeting because she would be celebrating her 1 year mark with OA and wanted me to be a part of it. I was honored to go, so even though I’ve had my reservations about going to OA in the past, I wasn’t going to miss this meeting.

This meeting was held in the valley right after rush hour. So if I was going to attend meetings in the future, it probably wouldn’t be this one (it took me over an hour to get there). But I got to the meeting early enough to get to hang out with E. and catch up a bit before we went inside.

I didn’t know what to expect, but I’ve done group therapy before. It was a major component of the RFO diet that I did in the past. So I’m used to sharing with a group and getting feedback from fellow members. But OA was very different from any other group therapy I’ve done before.

In all the past group therapy I’ve done, the entire time was spent letting people talk about their problems/victories/concerns and letting other people respond and give advice or encouragement. In this particular OA meeting, the meeting was an hour-long but over 30 minutes of that was doing going over rules and other administrative items such as reading the 12 steps and traditions of OA as well as a member sharing her story (she has been in OA for decades). Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just not what I expected. E. told me that there are several meetings that are over an hour just so there is more time for talking.

After all the administrative talk at the meeting, it was time to celebrate people’s anniversaries with OA. E. got a candle to celebrate her 1 year mark and there were some other women celebrating 3 years. I was so proud of E. for many reasons. She’s stuck with something for a year, and that’s so tough to do. And she was open to sharing this with me, which is also incredibly tough to do. I remember when I wrote about my eating disorder on here for the first time I cried for about 3 hours and almost didn’t publish that post.

Next, people had a chance to talk. But they are only given a certain amount of time (I’m not exactly sure of the time limit, but I think it was about 4 minutes). There is someone at the meeting with a timer and they let people know when their time is up. Again, this is not something I’m used to. In other group therapy, we could easily spend 30 minutes on one topic with multiple people chiming in. But perhaps with the time restrictions on the OA meeting, they’ve discovered that they need to keep people on time so they can do everything that needs to be done.

One of my biggest concerns and reasons I hadn’t checked out OA in the past was the issue of God. I don’t believe in God (and I don’t want to start a debate on here about that). But when I looked over a lot of the information about OA, it talks about letting a higher power guide you and things to that nature. While I do believe in putting things out into the universe, that’s not to have the universe guide me. I guide myself.

This particular meeting was very “God-ish” as E. and I put it. But she told me that most meetings weren’t this way and this particular meeting was one of the most “God-ish” that she’s been to.

Overall, the meeting was some of what I expected and a lot of what I didn’t expect. After the meeting, E. and I talked in my car for a while about it and she listened to my concerns and addressed all of them (including telling me about meetings that are longer than an hour and how this meeting seemed very “God-ish”). I’m not 100% sure that I’m going to check out another OA meeting soon, but I’m so glad I went. I got to see what it was all about and I did meet some really great people there (I wish I could tell you about them but that would defeat the “anonymous” part).

Sorry if this post seems scattered (it feels that way to me when I’m reading it and I’ve edited this several times now). The OA meeting wasn’t super recent. I waited to share this for me to gather my thoughts a bit more about it. If any of you attend OA and are ok with sharing your thoughts, I’d love to hear them. But I also understand if you don’t want to “out” yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I’m so glad that E. “outed” herself to me and I was able to share in one of her victories.

4 Comments

Posted in Celebrations, Food, Tough Stuff

Tagged binge eating, eating disorder, meeting

Honesty Time (or Going Backwards)

Posted on June 3, 2014 | 1 comment

I haven’t talked about weight loss on here for a while. And it’s because things are going so great for me right now.

In fact, I’ve gained a decent amount of weight. I haven’t gained everything that I lost, but I gained back a good chunk of it.

And I haven’t wanted to share that on here because I don’t want to disappoint you all. But then I realized that everyone who is going through weight struggles has this moment. I’ve had it before and I’m sure I’ll have it again.

What makes this different is I stopped it (or at least realized it) before all the progress I had made disappeared. And I’m trying to take steps to go back in the right direction.

Why the weight gain? Well, lately both my food choices haven’t been great and I’ve been skipping workouts. So of course I should expect weight gain.

The thing is, I didn’t realize how long it had been since I last worked out. When I finally looked at my history at SoulCycle, I realized that I haven’t been there in a month. And my last workout was the blogger event at FlyWheel. But that was several weeks ago.

Since realizing this over the weekend, I have had a big workout (but that will come in another post). But missing workouts was only part of the picture. Food is always going to be a battle for me and I don’t want it to beat me. So I downloaded several books onto my kindle about eating disorders (mostly on binge eating but some on eating disorders in general).

I starting with a book that I saw recommended on another blog that I read. I’m about a third of the way done with it and it is eye-opening to see that other people have the exact same struggles that I do. Somehow it feels like eating disorders are a very lonely thing and nobody understands how you feel. But when you are really open and honest about it you find that there are other people who get exactly what you go through.

I’m hoping to get myself back on the right track quickly. I have another 5K coming up in less than 2 weeks and I don’t want to be unprepared for it.

But if nothing else, at least I recognized that I was slipping before I got back to the start line.

1 Comment

Posted in Fitness, Food, Health, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

Tagged binge eating, eating disorder, struggle, weight gain, weight loss

Biggest Loser Finale (or I Wish I Didn’t Have To Write About This)

Posted on February 6, 2014 | Comments Off

On Tuesday evening, the finale for the most recent season of “The Biggest Loser” aired. This is the season that had the contestants that I saw at my birthday spin class. I’ve already written about how the show is a guilty pleasure of mine and that I have issues with how weight loss is shown on the show. But now I feel like I need to write about the reactions to the finale.

In case you aren’t too familiar with the show, the finale is a live event (or at least live for the east coast). Everyone who was eliminated prior to the finale weighs in for the at-home prize. The contestant with the highest percentage of weight loss wins. Then the finalists come out and the finalist with the highest percentage of weight loss wins $250,000.

When the finalists came out, the two men who were finalists looked a little thin, but that’s to be expected when they try to be at their lowest weight to win. Then the girl finalist, Rachel, came out. And you could hear gasps coming from the audience.

(photo courtesy of US Magazine)

I thought she looked pretty thin. Her legs were muscular, but her arms and face seemed very very skinny. When she weighed in, her weight was 105 pounds (she’s 5’4″). She lost about 60% of her body weight in about 8 months.

Immediately people were posting various sites online that Rachel must be anorexic now. People seemed shocked by her appearance. And two of the trainers on the show looked pretty surprised in the live show and later released a statement that they would not comment on her weight since they weren’t her trainers during the show.

It seems like people are finally seeing some of the problems that I’ve noticed with “The Biggest Loser” years ago. When you reward people for the highest percentage of weight loss, people do drastic things to make sure they win in the finale. Historically, the contestants gain weight back after the finale because they are extremely dehydrated (to make sure there is no water weight causing them to lose the weigh in). Many contestants gain back a lot of the weight they lost because the show is not realistic. And when you lose weight with a finish line in mind, you aren’t looking at it as a lifestyle but a temporary situation.

I know that last one for sure. When I did the RFO diet the first time, it was in preparation for my hip surgery. I knew that the less I weighed, the easier my recovery would be from surgery. And since I was about 90 pounds lighter going into surgery, I did have a very easy recovery. But after surgery, I didn’t have the same motivation any more to lose weight. And I gained a lot of it back. I did the RFO diet again, but again looked at it as a temporary situation (you have to when you aren’t eating any real food). And I gained it back again.

The other thing that makes me pretty mad at “The Biggest Loser” is the fact that many, if not all, of the contestants are at high risk for starting anorexic or bulimic behaviors. It’s a pretty safe guess that most of the contestants are going in to the show with an eating disorder. Probably the same eating disorder that I have, a binge eating disorder. When I was in therapy for my eating disorder, the biggest thing that I remembered is that I will always be at a high risk for another eating disorder because I have a history of having one. I’m also at high risk for another addiction of any type.

When you take away the food from a food addict (which is similar to a binge eater), they have to find their addiction somewhere else. You can see this a lot in people who have had weight loss surgery. When you can’t turn to your comfort item, you find something else that gives you comfort. And if it isn’t comfort that you are seeking, it’s order or control. And anorexia or bulimia gives you a sense of control (even if it’s a false sense).

I’m sorry for the rant, but I’ve been holding this in for a while when watching “The Biggest Loser”. And it seems like many people are now seeing things the same way that I do. I don’t know if they will change “The Biggest Loser” now due to all this backlash, but personally I would love to see them focus on body fat percentage instead of weight. Or maybe on inches lost. But sadly, seeing someone drop 155 pounds still makes good tv.

But at least now, some people will think about it a bit differently.

Comments Off on Biggest Loser Finale (or I Wish I Didn’t Have To Write About This)

Posted in Fitness, Food, Health, Tough Stuff, Weight Loss

Tagged binge eating, competition, eating disorder, reality tv, The Biggest Loser, TV, weight loss

Tag Archives: binge eating

Finding A Community (or Online Motivation)

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Counting Every Calorie (or Seeing Things In Black and White)

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Another Set Back (or Why Can’t I Just Learn My Lesson)

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Not Letting A Slip Up Be A Set Back (or I Splurged Again)

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My First OA Meeting (or Celebrating A Friend’s Milestone)

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Honesty Time (or Going Backwards)

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Biggest Loser Finale (or I Wish I Didn’t Have To Write About This)

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