Standing Up For Myself (or Trying to Be Assertive and Not Stubborn or Bitchy)

I’m used to being a yes person. You need help moving? Sure, I’ll be there. You’re sick? I’ll be by soon with chicken soup. Need a ride to the airport at midnight? I’ll be there (but probably driving in my pajamas). I always want to be seen as helpful and the friend who will always be there no matter what.

But I need to start learning to say no. There will be certain situations that I’ll always say yes to (I will always pick up a friend so they don’t drive drunk no matter what time or how far away). But for some of the little things, I need to start thinking of myself more.

I was supposed to spend some time with my parents around Christmas. The holiday doesn’t really matter much to us, but I knew I’d have some time off from my day job around then. Once I found out what days off I’d have, I had to tell my parents no. Between having to miss several shifts of work and the stress of flying, I can’t do it to myself. I’ve canceled my flights, and fortunately my parents are super understanding and don’t mind that I might not see them until sometime next year.

I also had a recent situation where my brother and his fiancée were in LA for a day, and it was the last day off I’d really have for almost a month. His fiancée and I had made plans for that day, but my brother didn’t really want to go along with them. He wanted to go see a movie. The old me would have said yes, and probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it too much. I’m careful with how I spend my days off, and I don’t want to spend too much money on movies when I will probably be getting screeners to vote for the SAG-AFTRA Awards soon. So I said no. I offered to drive them there and pick them up afterwards, but in the end, we all decided to go to the La Brea tar pits and then LACMA.

I’m proud of myself for being able to say no and being able to value my own time. But it’s really tough for me to do that and not worry that I’m being bitchy. That might be a problem that I just have to get used to living with.

Most of the time, things that I’m invited to I really want to go to and am excited to say yes to. I love going to friend’s parties and meeting new people. I’m almost always up for meeting a friend for drinks or hanging out with my girls night out group.

I think the key in this is feeling that my time is as valuable as everyone else’s. I don’t know if it’s low self-esteem or feeling as if I wasn’t worthy, but I’ve always placed other’s time or comfort above my own. Now I just need to find that perfect balance, and hopefully my friends love me enough to forgive a bitchy moment or two from me.

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