Compared to when I wrote my post yesterday about not feeling great, I’m feeling both better and worse right now. I’m glad the rain ended (even though we do need the rain in LA) because my hip is doing much better. But my pain and nausea are much worse right now. The side effects from my injection are about the same right now, but that’s what I was expecting. It seems like they are only easing off in the last day or so that I have them and then sometimes I’ve gotten a break before I have to do my next injection.
I was talking to a friend on the phone yesterday about how I was feeling and I had a weird realization. Other than being annoyed with the pain and nausea I was experiencing, I wasn’t necessarily in a bad mood. I wasn’t in a good mood either. I couldn’t figure out how to explain it other than saying that I wasn’t in any mood. I wasn’t necessarily numb, which I know could be a sign of depression, I just didn’t really have a sense of how I was feeling and I didn’t think I was feeling any particular way.
After having that call, I started to think about that idea more. I think I’m having this lack of mood for a few reasons. I think the biggest reason is that I’m in a rut with a few different things right now. My regular daily schedule is a bit of a rut because I’m not doing much after work. But I’m also not doing much after work because of how I feel. It’s really tough to want to do something after a full day when I spent most of the day feeling off and all I want to do after work is to lay down or rest. It’s hard being in this repeating cycle of feeling off. I was used to it when it was 2 weeks a month and I had a good idea of what the pattern would be. But now, it’s every week and it’s a bit unknown how each week will be. I know this is temporary and hopefully within a month or two I’ll be over this and not spending every week dealing with side effects.
I think also I’m in this weird non-mood because of the holiday season. I don’t hate the holidays, normally I would say I’m someone who likes to celebrate all holidays big or small with weird little traditions. And I’m still planning on doing some of my regular Christmas traditions that I do on my own. But I think it’s more the realization that another year has passed and I feel like very little has changed in my life. I know this isn’t true. Buying my condo and all the changes with my day job situation are huge. But I think I look at the stagnation in my personal life as more powerful than other changes I might have made. I know I had this feeling a lot during the first year or two of the pandemic when it felt like my life was on hold. It feels like the last 3 years haven’t really happened. I can’t believe that I’ll be turning 40 next year. I know I need to let go of some of the ideas I had in my head about what 40 would look like, but it still seems like I’ve gotten stuck in the same place for years. And having the holidays coming up is just another reminder that this year is almost over and I have to think about what I have accomplished and what I want to accomplish.
I also think that I’m a bit lonelier this year during the holidays than I was before. Before the pandemic, I had a lot of friends that lived here and we would do silly things this time of year. Being single didn’t bother me as much because I had other things going on. And now, so many of my friends have moved away, and being single hits me a bit harder. I haven’t hit a wall with dating just yet, but it’s very frustrating to have the same conversations over and over again or to have the same situations happen. I’m ready for something to be different, but there’s no way to force that to happen. All I can do is try to not think about the past when going into a new match or date and believe that this could be the one that breaks the mold.
I know that I’ll be out of this non-mood soon enough (or maybe I should say I’ll be in a mood soon). I have a bunch of factors right now that are just making things not great but not awful for me and I need to let this time pass. And hopefully, once I’m passed this time, I can get into the holiday spirit a bit more and enjoy everything that is out there to enjoy.
You Might Also Like
Getting Out Of A Funk (or A Phone Call Can Change My Mood)
Feeling Like Something Is Missing (or I Guess This Is Part Of The Grief Process)
I Guess I’ve Been Very Lazy (or I’m Sorry This Isn’t That Interesting)
Feeling Normal Again (or Happy To Be Back In Control)
Guess I Motivated Myself (or No More Feeling Stuck)
Friends Are The Best Mood Booster (or The Difference A Day Makes)
