I’ve realized lately that I’ve been having some serious up and down swings in my emotions. I don’t like having such wild swings in my emotions because it really takes a lot of time and effort to calm down when I’m feeling depressed or anxious and when I’m super excited I crash really hard later. I’m not sure if this has been going on for a while and I didn’t notice it, or if it just started. But either way, I want to get some things under control.
I’ve been making some really great strides in my eating disorder recovery lately. The number of binge episodes per week has been down the past few weeks and I’m steadily losing weight. I’m finding new ways to distract myself when I’m having a tough time and I’ve added in extra physical activity into my day (yoga plus the extra running) which not only is a distraction but helps to balance out the calories on my bad days.
I’m really happy with the steps I’ve made and I know that the results are showing by the number on the scale and a few friends noticing as well. Seeing things going the right way is extra motivation for me to keep going and the momentum has been really nice. This wasn’t something that I set out to start, but it happened naturally and I think that is one of the reasons that it has been working well.
But then the other day I was doing a weigh-in for a fat loss challenge that is going on at Orangetheory. I know that I won’t be winning because it is tough to make drastic fat loss happen at the weight I’m at. But since it was free to enter the challenge, I figured why not go ahead and do it.
For the initial weigh-in, I told the person who was running the scale that I want to do blind weight. I do this for all doctors appointments and any time I have to weigh-in somewhere that is not my controlled environment. I know how crazy my weight can fluctuate through the day plus every scale is a little different. So I only weigh myself on my scale at home (which I do first thing in the morning) and I don’t look at the weight on any other scale.
The person running the scale looked at me like I was a bit crazy, but I explained that I’m working toward recovery from an eating disorder and this is how things are best for me. He covered up my weight but since I wanted to see what my fat percentage was he didn’t block that with his hand. It was a number that is lower than I know it has been in the past, but still higher than it should be.
When I did my second weigh-in this week (for the mid-point of the challenge), I did blind weight again. My fat percentage went up even though my weight and the pounds of fat I have went down. This is part of the issue with losing weight when you are as heavy as I am. You don’t always lose it the way you want to. I did lose some muscle as well (but that has to happen because the pounds of muscle I have now is not a number I can have at my goal weight) and that’s why the percentage went up.
Before I stepped on that scale, I was feeling pretty amazing about myself. After stepping on it, I was feeling miserable and like I wanted to go eat a bunch of crap food since I didn’t feel like my efforts were paying off. It made me feel like I’ve been wasting my time with all the work I’ve put in (which isn’t true in the least) and that I might as well not try.
It’s not just weight issues that are making me have such crazy swings in my emotions. Someone I respect said something pretty hurtful to me. I don’t think they meant to say it or put it the way that they did because they apologized soon after, but it still upset me. I was obsessed about thinking what I did to deserve it or why they wanted to say that to me. Even though they said they didn’t mean it, I still felt like what they said must have been the truth and that stuck in my head.
Unfortunately, having that happen to me did cause me to binge. It sucks, I feel awful, and I wish I could go in time to change it. But what’s done is done and now I’ve been working back toward where I was before and getting on track again. I know that setbacks are a part of recovery, but somehow they are easier to accept when I don’t know what causes them versus when something I can pinpoint triggers it.
I need to find a way to let go of having such strong reactions to things that may or may not be in my control. I can’t control what a scale other than mine might say or that my weight loss might not be happening in the most ideal way (which would be only losing fat but gaining or maintaining muscle). But I can control how I react to it and that’s what I’m trying to work on now. And hopefully whatever is making my emotions swing so much will be under control again soon and I’ll be back on track and kicking butt!
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