As I wrote last week, I’ve been trying to be more social when I can do so. It’s not easy and I’ve become more of a homebody and introvert in the past 2 years, but I am working on finding ways to get my old life back. I know I will never have the same life I used to have because I may always have an extra bit of fear about getting sick. Even if Covid is eradicated, I might still worry about catching a cold or the flu more than I did before. But I also know that I miss being out and seeing friends, so I push myself to do that when I can and it feels safe. And I had that opportunity this past weekend.
It was a friend’s birthday and they were having a casual get-together at a bar that has a seating area and has food and not just drinks. When she invited me, I wasn’t sure if I could make it because of my schedule, but I was free so I decided to push myself a bit and go even though I hadn’t been at a big gathering since the beginning of 2020. Almost all my socializing since then has been one on one or maybe with 2 friends. I haven’t been to a party or somewhere I could meet a lot of new people in a long time. But I knew I needed to go out, plus I wanted to go. I know it was a risk I was taking, but I decided it was worth it and I was going to try to be as safe as I could be.
It did feel weird to be inside a bar since I haven’t really done that in a while. And almost all the meals I’ve had in the past 2 years have been outside, so eating inside was almost a novelty. But I could tell that most of the people around me were taking things seriously too. Not everyone was wearing masks, but a lot of people were. And people seemed to be aware of how close they were to others. But the weirdness of being out went away pretty quickly for me. I still was more cautious than I would have been before, but I wasn’t as scared as I have been of other things I’ve done in the past 2 years.
And I’m so glad I went. It was awesome getting to celebrate my friend and her birthday. I got to meet some really nice people that I wouldn’t have met otherwise. I got to see someone who I knew about a decade ago through a friend group and reconnect with her (and she’s now married and pregnant so that was something to celebrate too!). And I just got to have fun. I know I’m not having as much fun in my life as I used to, and I need that. I crave fun. I just don’t seem to have the opportunities to do things like I used to do and it’s hard to make new friends as an adult and find people to go out and do things with. But this was a way to ease into meeting new people since not everyone there was new.
I did have some moments of being overwhelmed with so many people around me and I could feel some really minor panic attacks come from time to time, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it could be. I think it helped that I spent most of the time that I was there talking to the same small group of people and I didn’t have to track multiple conversations at once. I was with a lot of people but it felt like a smaller gathering at the same time.
I do worry now a bit that I might have been exposed and could get sick, but I also know that could happen to me anywhere. I could get exposed and sick by going to the grocery store (even though I wear a mask, a lot of people don’t anymore). I could get exposed by being at the mailboxes if another neighbor is next to me when I’m getting the mail. I think for so long, I saw some things as necessary risks and other things as risks I needed to avoid and I haven’t been able to merge the idea that they might be the same thing now. Everything is at a similar risk level if they are similar activities (being inside a grocery store versus a restaurant are probably the same risk level now).
I don’t know if I’ll have another chance to be in a big gathering like this again soon, but I’m glad I’m over the hurdle of being scared of doing it now. And hopefully, the fear decreases each time I go out and things just start to feel a bit more normal to me again. I know we aren’t in a post-pandemic world yet, but we are also not in the same world we were in 2 years ago.
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