I’m learning a lot about myself the longer we are all isolating from each other. I never knew how much I needed physical touch until I didn’t have it. I never considered myself a very touchy-feely person, but the more I think about it the more that I am. I’m used to hugging friends, getting high fives in workouts, going on dates, and just being around other people. I think a lot of people who used to say they would love to be alone more often are realizing that alone time isn’t what they want if they don’t have the balance of being out with people.
I’m also learning a lot about my mental health and mental well-being. I’ve realized how being isolated makes a lot of things worse for me. It’s almost like the time before I was open about my eating disorder. When things are secretive, they can be worse or you can obsess about them more. I think when things are not secretive but you aren’t around other people and have to be aware, it’s almost the same thing. I’m not keeping things secretive about my life and my struggles, but it feels like that because I’m alone with everything and nobody is there to help keep me accountable. I don’t need someone to babysit me and monitor me, but knowing that I’m going out to eat with a friend helps me keep my food under control for the day because I want to enjoy that meal out. I don’t love scales, but I do try to weigh myself. But more often than the number on the scale, I use clothes to help keep me accountable. When you are wearing all stretchy clothes and workout stuff, you don’t notice when your clothes feel different.
But the newer thing I’m learning about myself is how some things I thought I had under control can flare up again when I’m not living my normal life. I was diagnosed with mild OCD a long time ago. It’s never been that bad, but there were moments where it was almost impossible for me to move on until I did something “right”. Sometimes that right thing was checking my alarm clock until it felt like it was the perfect way to confirm it was going to go off in the morning. Sometimes it was having to move something in my house because I couldn’t focus on anything else until I did that. It never affected my life too much, but it was an inconvenience. I never did anything specific to treat my OCD, but it has faded away in the past few years and I can’t remember the last time it was triggered.
Or at least, I can’t remember the last thing before the pandemic. I don’t exactly know when my OCD started to come back because I wasn’t used to experiencing it for a long time. But recently, I’ve been noticing things that are clearly OCD moments. But they are things I have done for a little while, so I don’t know if I started doing them a month ago or 5 months ago. They aren’t anything too bad. Mainly making sure things are in a specific order in my house or that I do things in a certain routine. Nothing that is a big distraction from my life, but it is something I want to be aware of because I know it can get worse and I don’t want to get there.
I also know that my anxiety is worse now than it’s been in a long time, but that’s something that seems normal. If I wasn’t anxious, I would be avoiding reality. Even my therapist agrees that having a higher base level of anxiety isn’t something to worry about these days. I’m not treating it with medication because I want to work through it, but I know if it gets worse that I can start medications again. But I feel certain that the anxiety is more about the current situation in the world and not something more than that.
I’m hoping my OCD is also just because of the state of the world. But I am tracking things and taking notes in case I see it getting much worse or if it continues after things seem like they are more normal again. I’m not necessarily worried about myself, but I just want to be aware and alert so that I don’t ignore symptoms and signs if I see them.
Hopefully, things will continue to get better with the pandemic (finally it seems like the numbers here are going down) and soon I will be able to have some more things in my life that feel normal. And once I have those back, maybe my mental health will also go back to how it was before and these will just be minor blips in my life.
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Mental Health Month (or Better Late Than Never)
World Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open)
Dating In Isolation (or Another Thing I’m Trying To Keep Normal)
Trying To Be Cautious But Not Overreact (or Aware Of The News)
Another Thing I’m Learning In Isolation (or Eating Disorder Issues)
Trying To Not Let My Stress Get To Me (or Continuing To Find Ways To Cope With Isolation)
