Feeling So Much Love (or Embarrassed By People Complimenting Me)

On Monday after my workout, I posted the following photo.

I took it because during my workout I realized that I did a horrible job of taking of my mascara from the night before and thought it was pretty bad that I had mascara smudges and sweat marks on my face. I’m usually much better about removing makeup pre-workout. I was also pretty proud of the workout I had just done, but I’ll share more about that in my Monday post where I recap my workout week.

Right after I shared that picture online, I started to get lot of really sweet comments from friends of mine. Some shared them publicly and some shared them in a private message. But they were all pretty positive and made me feel pretty great.

Then that evening, I shared this photo online.

I was celebrating having my new mattress in my house. It was a crazy morning having it delivered and the first time I got to lay down on the mattress was at bedtime. It felt like a hotel mattress and I felt so spoiled. So that’s why I shared that picture (also to thank my parents and Grandma for letting me have the mattress). I really didn’t think much about it when I posted it.

Again, I got lots of positive comments on the photos.

I love all the love that I got from everyone, but sometimes I feel like a fraud when people tell me that they are inspired by me or how they are so proud with how well I’ve been doing. I question if I deserve that positivity or if I’m not sharing my true self online (I hate when people only share the good of their lives and not the good, bad, and ugly).

I’m still struggling every day with my eating disorder. In fact, I feel like I’m struggling more than before because I feel like the Vyvanse should be doing more than it is. I wonder if I’m doing something wrong that is making the medication not effective for me. I wonder why I can’t have it work for me the way that the drug tests claim that it worked. Because of this, I’m harder on myself every time that I have an episode.

Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve people to be inspired by me or proud of me. People should be looking up to people who have conquered their struggles, not are in the battle with them.

And I’m sure I’m being too hard on myself. I know that I look up to people who are public with their struggles. But I usually look at them as someone who is done with the struggle, not in the middle of it.

But maybe I do need to look at myself the way that others look at me. I should be proud of myself for working out 3-4 times a week (a lot of people don’t do that), for continuing to battle my eating disorder (and not just give into it), and for just trying to do everything I try to do.

I’m going to work on seeing myself the way that my friends do. Using them as the mirror to see myself in and hopefully not being as hard on myself in the future.

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Finding A Community (or Online Motivation) People Don’t Get It (or My Comment On The Dear Fat People Video) Feeling Blindsided (or Being Tricked Into Believing Some People Are Good) A Good, Strong Workout Week (or I Really Love Feeling Like Myself) Is Helpfulness Out Of Style? (or Shocking People) Being As Honest As Possible (or Making People Feel Awkward)