Category Archives: Weight Loss

My Current Diet (or I Miss Food)

I’ve been on a weird diet lately. And I don’t mean that I’m on Atkins, the Zone, Paleo, or the HCG diet. I mean the food I’m eating is weird.

I had the start of my dental adventure, and next week, it finally ends. I’ve had one permanent crown repaired and I’ll have my temporary crown replaced with a permanent one next Tuesday. For a while, I could not have any food that needed to be chewed. My meals pretty much all looked like this:

 

Not too exciting. I can now  have “regular” food, but I can only chew on one side of my mouth until next week. So I’m being safe and only having soft foods. So a lot of overcooked pasta and soup everyday.

This makes me miss food.

It also brings back memories of the times I was on the UCLA RFO Diet. Basically, it’s an all liquid diet. Everyday, I had 6 shakes that were each 100 calories. I was constantly monitored by doctors (appointments every week, blood draws and EKGs twice a month). I also went to therapy classes there. The first time I did the diet, I did it for 9 months without cheating. The second time, 10 months without cheating. I lost 100 pounds both times.

I missed food so much when I was on the RFO program. All the shakes where so sweet and I craved salt. Eventually, I just got a spoonful of Kosher salt once a week and ate it.

The diet worked while I was on it, but obviously, I wasn’t able to maintain the loss. That’s one reason why I’m trying to do it this time in a “normal” way. I can’t keep bouncing back and forth.

Right now, while I’m not really eating, I keep having dreams (or nightmares) that I’m back on the RFO program. I wake up panicked about it.

I’m so glad that by Wednesday next week, I won’t have to miss food anymore.

Keeping Life Exciting (or Making Sure Tomorrow is Different Than Yesterday)

Along with my focus on trying to get healthier, I’m also trying to mix up things in my life. It’s a bit tough to have a super active social life when you work 6 days a week (and 3 of those days include evenings), but I try.

I try to go out on adventures on Wednesdays when I get out of work early. I’m investing in Groupons and Living Social deals to try new things (although that doesn’t always work out how I would like). I’ve got plans for some trips coming up (Texas for my friend’s wedding, home for Thanksgiving, and San Francisco for my future sister-in-law’s dress fitting). I’m even starting to get back into acting class (currently signed up for the SAG-AFTRA Conservatory and Marci Liroff’s Audition Bootcamp).

Since I’ve done this, I’ve been a lot happier in my life. I’m still a bit exhausted sometimes from my schedule, but overall, I’m happy. And yes, most of these things cost money, but it’s worth it. And I feel like I’ve been able to cut back financially in other areas.

And I have noticed a bit of a steady weight loss since doing this. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m eating differently or if letting go of some of my stress is helping, but I’m glad the numbers on the scale are going down. I still need to make a bit more of an effort to get the numbers to go down at a rate that I would like, but I always figure a tiny weight loss is better than a gain or being the same.

Soon, I might have a lot more time to be social. My current day job is seasonal, but right now, the end of the season is up in the air. In past years, the end of the season would be coming up in 3 weeks, but that isn’t probably happening. We might start having our hours cut back, and that would give me more than one day free a week. I’m kind of excited to see what other fun things I can bring back to my life when I have a bit more time! But for now, I look at my calendar and smile at all the fabulous things I have scheduled.

52 Weeks (or What Can I Do in a Year?)

One year from tomorrow will be my brother’s wedding in Kauai.

I’m excited for their wedding. I really like my brother’s fiancé, Krystle. She’s very nice, and she invited me to come up to San Francisco in April for her dress fitting. I’m excited to have her as my sister next year.

Since the wedding is in Kauai, clearly there will be some activities in the water at some point. Water activities involve swimsuits. The last time I wore a swimsuit was in 2006 and I looked like this:

I was about 100 pounds smaller than I am now. I wish I could go back to this time. I thought I was still so heavy, but looking back now, I know better.

So with the wedding one year away, that’s 52 weeks. And people say that a sensible weight loss is about 2 pounds a week. Therefore, it should be possible for me to lose 100 pounds by the wedding.

I’m not saying that this will definitely happen. I’ve tried to do this a million and a half times. I’ve failed most of those times. And the few times I’ve done it, it hasn’t been a sustainable way.

So I’m not trying to focus on losing 100 pounds. That’s too scary and too big. I’m going to try very hard to focus on losing 2 pounds a week.

That’s a very frustrating thing to do. I partially blame that on the crazy diets I’ve done in the past where having a 10 or 15 pound loss in the first week or two isn’t unreasonable. And most weeks I would lose at least 5 pounds a week. I also blame it on shows like “Biggest Loser” where when contestants lose less than 10 pounds a week, they feel like failures.

2 pounds a week doesn’t seem like enough in my head, even though when you add it up over 52 weeks it will be amazing. But I’ve always had trouble focusing on the small victories instead of the big picture.

The one thing I do have going for me right now to jump-start this is the fact that I’m on a soft food diet due to my temporary crown. So I’m living on a lot of yogurt, cooked veggies, and bananas right now. I know that this weight loss won’t be the norm, but at least it might get me motivated.

I don’t want to make this blog a focus on me losing 100 pounds before the wedding, so I probably won’t do a ton of updates of where my progress is. But I just wanted to share this with all of you. Even if I don’t lose 100 pounds, I’d love to have the confidence in a year to wear a swimsuit. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ll be having a lot of fun at the beach.

Learning From My Dental Situation (or How Getting A Crown is Educating Me on My Weight Loss)

I’m writing Tuesday’s post on Monday night because tomorrow morning is part one of my crown procedure at the dentist. I’m horribly nervous and can’t wait for this whole thing to be done.

The only positive that I can see out of having this done is getting an extra day off of work (but that also means less money in my next paycheck). Also, if this wasn’t being done now, it could end up being a root canal (which I’ve never had and never want).

Sometimes, you just have to suck it up and do something because in the long run, it will be a good thing, even if in the short term you are extremely unhappy or stressed.

This crown is costing a ton of money (and my insurance isn’t very good so at most, half of it is covered), but a cracked tooth or a root canal would be way more money.

Yes I’m missing out on another day of work, but my supervisor knows and if any of my customers call in, he’ll take the order for me and I’ll get my commission.

Yes, I hate that I have a ton of weight to lose now and a bunch of debt to pay off, but if I don’t do it now, how much worse will it get?

I’ve talked about the “what ifs” before, and I don’t want this time in my life to be a  “what if” in a year or two. If I don’t take action now, I’m going to regret it later in life. This I know for sure.

I’m going into tomorrow expecting a bad day. It will go one of two ways. Either my mouth will be so sore and so numb that I won’t eat anything all day and that will be that. Or I’ll be in a ton of pain until right before dinner and then I’ll be starving. I’m hoping it will be the first, but I’m trying to prepare my house with foods that are safe both for my crown and my waistline.

Soups, whole fruit popsicles, yogurt, and jello all seem like they are safe in both ways. I’ll have to be careful eating with the temporary crown, but maybe that will help kickstart this attempt at weight loss.

I’m hoping to not get too out of control tomorrow. But I’m also allowing myself to do so and not go into a downward spiral. If tomorrow is a bad day, why does the next day, or week, or month have to be bad too.

This is the lesson I’m hoping to learn from this really sucky dental situation.

My Love/Hate Relationship with the Scale (or Can I Drop Kick a Scale without Hurting Myself?)

One thing that I’ve found in common with most people with eating disorders is the love/hate relationship people have with their scale.

I used to love my scale. I would weigh myself dozens of times a day. After I ate a meal, after taking a shower, after using the bathroom, before and after a workout. I was obsessed with the daily fluctuations of the numbers on my scale. I learned how to manipulate it to my advantage before I had weigh ins at my therapist. If I had a huge meal before I was going to see her, I knew exactly what to do to make the scale be either the same or only a little higher than what it was last time. As much as I’ve tried to forget some of these things, some of it is stuck in my head. I will always remember that the Chinese food binge that I enjoyed would add 5 pounds on the scale. The gain was a mix of the amount of food and the bloating from sodium.

The scale that I had back then broke. I was devastated. I couldn’t bring myself to buy a new scale. That old one was my friend and I trusted it. And that exact model wasn’t made anymore so I couldn’t find an exact replacement.

After a few months of not having a scale. My mom bought one for me without me knowing it. If I had known she was going to do that, I would have told her no. I didn’t want another scale. I didn’t know if I could trust another one.

I’ve had that new scale for several years now. I’m still obsessed with the number on it, so I make a big effort to only step on the scale once a day. That doesn’t happen all the time, but I’m trying.

But recently, my scale has been showing signs of it not working quite right. I’ll weigh myself and somehow I’m 8 pounds lower than yesterday. I step off and get back on, and I’m at 1 pound less than yesterday. If I step on it a few times in a row in the morning, it can be as big as a 10 pound difference.

This is a huge problem for me and keeping my mind in the right mindset. So with the long weekend ahead, I think I’m going to venture out to Bed, Bath, & Beyond (with a coupon), and look into getting a new scale. I might go for a less high-tech one because I feel that might help the lifespan of my scale. Right now, my scale does weight and body fat and has 3 profiles on it for different family members. I don’t need all of that.

All I need is a scale that I can use and hopefully love more than hate.

Planning Way Too Far Ahead (or I Want It Now)

I have a bad habit of thinking a million steps ahead. If I have a big audition, I’m already thinking how amazing the paycheck will be and how long I could survive on it. When I’m trying to lose weight, I don’t focus one pound at a time (as I should), I get overwhelmed by the number of pounds I want to lose.

I also plan very far ahead when it comes to events. I was good and waited until this month to buy a dress for my friend’s wedding in October. But I also bought stuff on that trip to wear at Thanksgiving and a holiday party I know I’ll be attending.

My brother is getting married in a little over a year. I was texting with his fiancée last night and she said that they are planning on getting married in Kauai. I’m pretty excited about that because I haven’t been to Hawaii since I was 11 or 12.

So of course, last night I was already looking at what dresses would work for a Hawaiian wedding (definitely not the dress I got for my friend’s wedding). But styles could change in the next year.

I could change in the next year.

I’ve never really had a stable weight. I’m always going up or down. I never know what size I’ll be in the future. So planning ahead is tough.

I’d love to lose a majority of my excess weight by their wedding (I know that it’s totally possible). But whenever I have set a weight loss goal for a major event, I’ve failed. And that failure makes me feel horrible about myself.

So right now, I’m enjoying “window shopping” online for dresses. And I’m trying to focus on the small goals with my weight. I’m trying to look at the non-scale victories, because those seem easier to control.

Hopefully, those little victories that have nothing to do with the scale will increase my confidence and decrease the number on the scale, even if I’m not looking or focusing on it.

Cutting Out My Favorite Drink (or Goodbye Diet Coke, Diet 7-Up, Fancy Water)

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved diet sodas. There was never regular soda in my house growing up, so I truly enjoyed the flavor of diet soda.

At some point in college, my body stopped liking caffeine. Pretty much, my body will have symptoms of caffeine withdrawal pretty soon after drinking it. So I stopped drinking Diet Coke and started drinking caffeine-free Diet Coke.

I also have a love for Diet 7-Up and those no calorie flavored carbonated waters you can get at the grocery store (I’m partial to Albertson’s peach flavor).

In 2006 and 2007, I was on a no food diet. Literally, no food. I would only consume 600-800 calories in shakes each day. It was done at a hospital and I was being monitored each week, so it was safe. But during this time, I craved any flavor other than the chocolate shakes that I survived on. I would drink between 2-4 of the peach flavored no calorie carbonated waters a day. And each of those drinks was 1 liter. That’s a lot of soda. I also drank a lot of caffeine free sodas (I was on a weird orange soda kick for a while).

I’ve cut out most sodas in my life. I’ll occasionally get a caffeine-free Diet Coke at or a Diet 7-Up when I’m at the store. But I never was able to stop drinking my flavored carbonated waters (which I lovingly referred to as yummy water).

But now, Albertson’s doesn’t carry yummy water anymore. Or if they do, it’s in one of the weird flavors like blueberry acai berry. So I’m taking this opportunity to make a serious attempt to limit my fluid intake to water (and the occasional alcoholic drink).

This isn’t just a health thing. Sodas are expensive. Those yummy waters are $1 each. It adds up. I’d rather spend my money on paying off my debt or enjoying outings with friends.

I’m not going to try to cut out sodas and yummy waters completely. I feel like that is setting myself up for failure. Instead, I’m going to say only 2 sodas or yummy waters a week. And once that seems easy, I’ll cut it down to 1 a week.

So I had a caffeine-free Diet Coke today to say goodbye. I’ll see you again soon.

Fear of Failing (or How My Car Accident and Weight Loss Are Related)

As I mentioned last week, I was in a car accident. I was hit while exiting my driveway, something that I do every single day. And ever since the accident, I’m so nervous when I’m leaving my driveway or making any type of turn into a new lane of traffic.

I’ve had this happen to me before. In 2005, I was rear ended twice within 30 days. Once on the freeway and once on Sunset Blvd. After those accidents, I would always watch in panic as the car behind me slowed down to a stop, hoping that I wouldn’t get hit again.

Last night, I was leaving the shopping center where I got some dinner at Subway and turned right into the street. I was panicky as I turned because even though I couldn’t see any cars coming, what if there was one without lights on, or that was speeding, or that pulled into traffic before I did. I hate this feeling, but I know that it’s what makes me a safe driver.

After I turned into the street, I realized I have the same feelings about losing weight. I did the losing weight part successfully many times. I’ve lost over 100 pounds multiple times. I’m just a failure at keeping the weight off. I’m so scared of failing again that I’m panicky about doing it again.

I’m so tired of being a disappointment to myself and the people who love me. I want to be successful. But I have to be ok with failing again in order to try. And that’s one of the mental blocks I’m in right now.

Since starting this blog, I’m down about 3 pounds. I fluctuate a lot, but when you average out the week, it’s 3 pounds lost. To some people, that might seem amazing, but when I think about what little percentage that is of what I have to lose, it’s overwhelming. I think that I should have lost 10 pounds by now. And that’s what society sets us up to think. So many diet plans talk about how losing 2 pounds a week is a good way to go.

But should I feel like crap because I’ve only lost 3 pounds instead of 10? I know that the answer is no, but I’m still trying to convince myself of that point.

Losing Weight The Techie Way (or My FitBit Fail)

I like techie things. I love my computer, I might love my iPhone too much (I sleep with it next to me), and my brother just got me an AppleTV for my birthday. Ok, so maybe I don’t just like techie things, I love them.

So when I heard about the FitBit, it sounded awesome. It counts your steps, it keeps track of how active you are, and it’s so tiny, that even I can clip it on my bra without it being seen.

So I bought one yesterday, and it’s been nothing but trouble. Sorry to any FitBit people who read this, but it’s true.

It took me 2 hours to get it set up. For some reason, the dock would not recognize the device. And it’s never been able to sync. I try to force sync it, and nothing happens. I’ve done everything in the troubleshooting to fix it, but it still doesn’t work. And their customer service is only available by email, no phone calls or online chats.

I decided even with all those fails, I’d still try it today. Maybe I got a defective device and then I’d exchange it instead of returning it.

Nope.

When I rode my bike (inside on a stationary bike), somehow the FitBit thought that I had walked over 7,000 steps. Maybe you can’t wear it when you are working out? Seems weird. It still won’t sync. And the iPhone app only works if you can get the device to sync.

The only positive it had was that I could use MyFitnessPal to track food. But honestly, that’s not enough to want to keep it.

So I’ll be taking it back to the store tomorrow. If any of you have techie weight loss/workout things you love, please let me know. I love competing against myself and others and a plain pedometer just isn’t enough (plus, since I ride my bike as my main workout, the pedometer doesn’t register it).

Sharing the Truth (or It’s Time To Rip Off the Band-Aid)

There are some things that I just love to share with everyone (I mean, hello, I’m writing a blog!). But there are other things that I either keep to myself or share half truths about.

I’ve found that being secretive like this is dangerous. When something isn’t out in the open, it eats you up inside.

The two main things I’ve been secretive about in the past are my issues with food and my credit card debt.

I kept my credit card debt a secret because I didn’t know anybody else with debt. Maybe student loans, but not credit cards. Nobody in my family really has credit card debt. I was taught to always pay off the full balance each month. And I did do that for a while. But then I found myself without a job. And I still had bills to pay. So they went on my credit card. And now, I have debt.

But I’m working my way towards paying it off. It’s going to take some time, but I’ll do it. And once I started telling people I had debt, I started hearing from other people that are in the same situation as me. For some reason, people don’t like to talk about it, so it feels like something to be ashamed of. But it’s not. So here I am saying that I have credit card debt, it sucks, but I’m working on paying it off.

My issues with food is something harder for me to discuss. This is something that I’ve dealt with my entire life, and I’ve only been honest with myself for the last few years. For those of you who don’t know me that well (or I just haven’t told you this yet), I have an eating disorder. I’ve probably had it most of my life, but it was only properly diagnosed when I was in college. The thing that sucks the most for me is that I don’t have anorexia or bulimia, I am a binge eater. And that seems to be the eating disorder that isn’t as studied or as common to hear about. Most people are pretty secretive about having it. So as I’ve tried to get treatment, it’s very difficult to find someone who understands my disorder and doesn’t try to treat me as a bulimic.

So revealing this to you all is a big step. And I only had the courage to do it after something that happened yesterday. I was out at happy hour at Bodega with my best friend. She and I have been friends for 20 years, so she’s more than just my best friend, she’s my family. We were deciding on what food to order for dinner when I had mentioned that I hadn’t really had too much food that day. I was saving my calories for happy hour. I wanted to prove it, so I got out my phone and showed her my food diary I keep on My Fitness Pal (which is an awesome app). We were laughing about it and she mentioned that she uses the app too. For some crazy reason, in my head I only thought that people who use the app are people struggling to lose weight. But my friend doesn’t have a weight problem. She’s super in shape and has even done a marathon before!

And then it hit me. Keeping track of your food is something that normal people do. Just like how I’m not the only one with debt, I’m not the only one who tracks my food and workout calories. Somehow, this made me feel so much better. I don’t need to be ashamed of tracking my food and trying to live a healthy lifestyle. This is what I should be sharing with everyone.

So I am.