Category Archives: Tough Stuff

I Let Procrastination Catch Up To Me (or Not Realizing I’m Slacking)

Posted on March 5, 2020 | Comments Off on I Let Procrastination Catch Up To Me (or Not Realizing I’m Slacking)

I’m usually pretty on top of getting things done on time. There are a few things that I know I don’t do when I need to or as often as I should (there are some cleaning tasks I put off for a few days). But when there is something that has to be done by a certain day, I usually finish it up much earlier than I need to. It’s rare for me to feel a time crunch to get it done.

When I was in school, I wasn’t always like this. I didn’t necessarily cram for tests or things, but I did put off doing some essays and papers instead of getting them done as soon as I got the assignment. I don’t think my procrastination really affected me much in school because I did get decent grades. I think a lot of the reason why I didn’t get better grades was due to a lack of interest in a subject and not poor work.

But for some reason, I’ve been procrastinating on a few things lately. And of course, all the things I’ve been procrastinating on need to be done around the same time. I have no good reason for slacking right now, but knowing that doesn’t motivate me enough to get it done. But now I have no other option because I need to get things done and I can’t skip doing them.

Fortunately, several things I’ve been putting off are mainly fun things. There are a few things that aren’t as fun, like dealing with some stuff with my taxes or other bills. Those things aren’t as fun for me to do so I understand why I’m not doing them. And they also have a slightly longer timeline before they are due, so I’m not as worried about them. But I’m not going to focus on those things for this post because that’s not as interesting. I’m more interested in why I am putting off doing things that I should enjoy doing.

The first thing I’ve been putting off was making signs to cheer on the marathon runners. This one makes a bit more sense to me because I honestly forgot the marathon was this weekend. I thought it was still a few more weeks away. But I’ve known it was this weekend for about a week now. I got the supplies I need to make signs, but I haven’t done anything with them. I need to get these done today or tomorrow because the race is on Sunday and I don’t have any free time on Saturday.

And the reason I don’t have free time on Saturday is that that is the day of my sister-in-law’s baby shower! I’m super excited about it for a lot of reasons. But it’s also another part of my procrastination. I’ve had the present I got for the shower for almost a month at my house. But for whatever reason, I just haven’t taken the time to wrap it. There’s no deep reason why I haven’t done this. I’m not upset or anything else like that. I think it might be because I love wrapping presents and I take a lot of pride in making gifts look beautiful. But I haven’t felt like I had the creativity and artistic skill to do it. And I don’t want to make the gift look sloppy. I know that it will only look sloppy to me, but I don’t want that to happen. So I was waiting for the right moment when I knew I could make it look good. But I can’t wait forever so I just have to get it done and feel ok with the results.

I know that some people say that procrastination is an act of rebelling against something, but I have no idea what I could be rebelling against. Maybe it’s just laziness after having some crazy busy time and high stress. Whatever the reason, I know that I’m cramming to get things done now. But I will get them done on time and everything will be ok. I hope.

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Default ThumbnailLast Happy Hour Of 2015 (or A Speedy Catch Up) Default ThumbnailA Busy Summer (or Realizing I Have A Lot To Look Forward Too) Default ThumbnailJob Hunt Time Again (or I Guess I Was Slacking On This) Default ThumbnailProductive One Way And Slacking In Another (or Working On Finding Time) Default ThumbnailA Mid-Point Check In (or Some Slacking and Some Progress) Default ThumbnailCatch Up Time (or A Blog With Lots Of Random News)

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Posted in Tough Stuff

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Continuing To Share My Experiences (or This Is Going To Be Vague)

Posted on February 27, 2020 | Comments Off on Continuing To Share My Experiences (or This Is Going To Be Vague)

First, I have to apologize that a lot of what I am going to write in this post will be a bit vague. But it’s for a good reason. And hopefully, you all will understand.

I’ve been pretty open about my crazy experiences with dating. Almost everything I post has something funny or an element of humor in it. Even the stories that are about rejection or being hurt is usually done in a positive way. Most of those stories have a lesson that I can share that makes them not as bad. And even the stories about me being heartbroken are able to have something good in them. I haven’t been hurt that much, but when I have it’s usually something I can move past or learn from.

But I have also had some bad experiences with dating that I wouldn’t want to happen to anyone else. I know that my experiences are not unique and they are way too common, but knowing that I’m not alone in those experiences doesn’t make it better. But we are now in a time where more people are coming forward and sharing what happened to them so people don’t have to feel alone. And there is research being done to understand how common this is and what people experience after something happens.

Through a friend, I learned about some research being done about dating and experiences like mine. I can’t go into a lot of detail about what they were researching or what the plan is because they are still working on it and I don’t want to ruin anything they might be doing. But when I learned about what they were doing I was intrigued. And when I learned that they were asking for people to share their experiences, I filled out the form that was online. In the form, it asked if we would be willing to speak to someone further about our stories and I clicked that I agreed to that. But I figured that they probably had a ton of people who said they would talk so I didn’t expect anything to come from it.

But last week, I got an email from someone involved in the research asking me if I was still willing to talk to them. I didn’t respond right away because I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do this. Even though I am pretty open here about what I’ve been through, I am in control of what is written here. If someone else was writing about me or sharing my story, I lose control or what bias might be added. But after thinking about it for about a day, I decided that there was no harm in at least talking to them on the phone and finding out more about what they were doing or what they wanted from me.

I had my phone call earlier this week, and it wasn’t easy. Sharing some of these bad experiences that are still fresh in my mind did make me cry. Fortunately, the person I spoke to understood and wasn’t impatient or frustrated that I needed to take moments when I did. They told me I could end the call whenever I wanted to or change my mind about wanting to share what happened. I was given a few options with how they could potentially share my story, and I decided that they could share it in their research but that they wouldn’t use my name or any identifying details about me. I feel like that’s probably the best option because I don’t necessarily want it to be connected to me but I don’t want my story to be ignored.

I will have at least one follow-up call in the next week or so, and there may be more calls after that. Once things are further in their research, they may have more questions for me or want some things to be clarified. And I’m willing to do that. The hard part was sharing my story and being vulnerable in allowing someone else to share it. Now, hopefully, the follow-up call (or calls) will be a bit easier and not as intense for me. And if this research does use my story and something comes of it, I will probably share it online. I don’t know if I will share it and say that my story is in it, but I can decide that if/when it happens.

It’s interesting to me how it can be so easy for me to be open at times and how difficult it can be at other times. But no matter how tough it was this time, I have no regrets. Sharing what happened to me does give me some power over the situation. I can make sure that people hear my experience and I can hope that they will understand what happened. I got some judgment after I wrote my blog post about it and people said I was overreacting to a bad date. But I know that’s not what happened to me and I will take opportunities when I can share my side of the story so the next person who experiences this hopefully won’t get the same judgment that I got.

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Default ThumbnailYet Another Book Rewrite (or Letting My Blog Posts Inspire Me) Default ThumbnailReaching A New Audience (or Laughing At My Dating Adventures) Default ThumbnailWorld Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open) Default ThumbnailFinding More Ways To Help Via Social Media (or Continuing To Share Good Things) Default ThumbnailA Story I Didn’t Know If I Would Share (or Having Complicated Feelings About People) Default ThumbnailContinuing To Work On My Book (or I Wonder How Many Versions I’ll Have Before I Finish It)

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Posted in Dating, Tough Stuff

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Not Quite Winning At Taxes This Year (or Owing Money And Seeing Car Accidents)

Posted on February 26, 2020 | Comments Off on Not Quite Winning At Taxes This Year (or Owing Money And Seeing Car Accidents)

I try to get my taxes done by the end of February each year. First, I want to get them done so I know what happened with all my crazy tax situations so I don’t have to stress out about them. But also, the place I go to for my taxes has cheaper rates if you do your taxes before March. I’ve been pretty lucky with my tax situation since I have started getting them done locally instead of having my parents’ tax guy do them. There are several weird things about my taxes and what I can deduct so it’s good that I go to someone who specializes in situations like mine. Plus, my tax preparer, Daphne, has become a friend so going in to see her is always fun!

I had my appointment on Monday evening, so I gave myself plenty of time to drive there in traffic. Traffic is always bad and people are always driving crazy, but this time it was just so much worse than normal. I saw 4 car accidents happen right in front of me! Most of them were from dumb mistakes like not looking at their blind spot when changing lanes or turning on an unprotected left when a car was coming straight. I was lucky that nobody hit me, but it made me even more cautious than normal while driving there.

I got to my appointment early because of how much time I gave myself to get there, so I had some time to relax before the stress of seeing what will happen with my taxes. I have been very lucky with getting money back when I pay my estimated payments correctly and with the deductions that I am allowed to take because all my jobs are independent contractor work. But this time, when I was preparing for my appointment I felt like I didn’t have as many deductions as I normally do. So as I prepared my forms I thought that perhaps this time I would owe money instead of getting money back. Fortunately, I still had some money saved from what I set aside with each paycheck, so I had money to pay if I did owe.

I try my best to be super organized with my taxes and paperwork when going into my appointment, and I know that Daphne really appreciates that I do that. It makes her job a bit easier when everything is ready for her to enter it into the system and she doesn’t have to search for something or ask me what I meant by something I filled out. I will also say, the packet that everyone who goes to the office I go to needs to fill out before an appointment helps too. And I have started to organize my things throughout the year in a similar system so when I fill the packet out I can do it quickly.

Because things were so organized, Daphne was able to see quickly that I would owe money. And she and I decided to investigate a bit because it said I owed about $1000 and in the past, it was so different even if I did owe. I thought maybe I didn’t have enough deductions because there were a few things that I usually spend money on that I didn’t in 2019. But when we compared my deductions, I was very close to the same amount in 2018. But then we realized there was a significant difference in my income and how much I paid in estimated taxes.

I made a lot more with both of my jobs in 2019. I had gotten a small raise with my customer service job and I had more hours on my contract with my data entry job. Obviously, both of those things are good and making more money is a good thing. And my estimated payments this past year were the lowest I paid since I started doing them correctly because of my lower income in 2018. So I made a lot more and pre-paid a lot less. Those combined meant I owed the $1000 form said I did. It all made sense once we figured that out.

And I do appreciate that Daphne took the time with me to figure out why I owed this year. Because entering my information was so quick, there was extra time in my appointment to do that investigating work. I’m sure that I could have figured it out on my own eventually, but it was nice to not have that question in my head when I left and feel more confident knowing what happened while I was still sitting there with someone who could explain it to me.

I will be paying the money I owe soon (I’ve got almost 2 months to pay it and I want to work on a few budgeting things first) and then I’ll be done with all my 2019 taxes. But I start paying my estimated taxes for 2020 in 2 months, so I’ll be doing that and working on making sure that I do everything I can to bring down how much I owe.

I left my appointment feeling good even though I do owe money. It’s something I expected and it didn’t upset me. But just like on my drive to getting my taxes done, my drive home was filled with seeing car accidents happen in front of me! I saw 2 very small fender benders that didn’t seem to have much damage. But when I was on the freeway close to my house, traffic stopped and the car in front of me didn’t see that. They hit the car in front of them at full speed and I was very lucky that I was able to slam on my brakes and avoid the cars. I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t follow other cars that closely. Both of the cars in that accident looked like they were totaled and there were pieces of the cars all over the freeway.

I have no idea how to connect the car accidents with getting my taxes done but seeing that many accidents made me think about how sometimes we might get a bit lazy with following the rules you should follow when driving. Sometimes we follow too close, don’t look in our mirrors enough, speed, or think that we have the right of way when we don’t. It was a good reminder to be a cautious driver just like I am cautious with so many other aspects of my life.

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Posted in Saving, Tough Stuff, Work

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A Story I Didn’t Know If I Would Share (or Having Complicated Feelings About People)

Posted on January 31, 2020 | Comments Off on A Story I Didn’t Know If I Would Share (or Having Complicated Feelings About People)

I know that the news all over the world has been covering the helicopter crash that killed Kobe Bryant and 8 others. I’m guessing the news in LA might be covering it a bit more since it is a local story and Kobe Bryant was a huge figure in this city. I don’t have a lot to say about the death besides how awful it was and that it’s so sad that so many families lost someone. I’ve never really watched basketball so I haven’t necessarily followed Kobe through his entire career. But I knew who he was and what he meant to the entire city.

But since the news of his death, there has been another side to Kobe’s life that was brought back up. And that’s the story of the sexual assault allegation against him.

I was aware that he was accused of assault and I know that Kobe wasn’t a perfect person. He admitted as such. But to see some people saying how it is wrong to be sad that he died because of what he did hasn’t been sitting right with me. People are complicated and nobody is completely perfect. And to demonize someone, especially after death, for one thing they did in their life doesn’t feel right. People are allowed to say that this happened and that perhaps the woman who accused him of assault is going through a rough time seeing his name all over the news and not being able to escape that. But at the same time, he was more than someone accused of assault and there are so many people mourning his life. There is nothing wrong with being sad about the loss of something who meant a lot. And there’s nothing wrong about having conflicting feelings about how to react because of his past. But I disagree with people who say that being sad is disrespectful to the woman he assaulted.

With so many people bringing the assault story back up again, I looked more into what happened. It was a huge story back then and I heard so many people talking about it. A lot of what I remember hearing about the story was how he was a cheater for being unfaithful to his wife and not as much about what happened to the woman he assaulted. I remember the case was dismissed, but I never really thought too much about it. So I probably only knew a few main points about what happened and not really the full story. But after reading about what happened, I didn’t realize how close to home this story would be.

The story I’m about to write is one that I questioned if I should ever share. A few people know that this happened to me, including my therapist. I’m ok and I’ve processed it. But I feel like I’ve processed it a different way after looking into the story of Kobe’s assault, his statement after it happened, and how people are treating it now.

Almost 2 years ago, I was assaulted on a date. This wasn’t the first time this has happened in my life, but it was the most recent and the one that I think sticks out the most in my mind. And the thing about it was that it took me a long time to even realize that I was assaulted. For a long time, I just thought I had a bad date. I feel weird calling it an assault because I still have complicated thoughts about what happened. But what I do know is that I did not want something to happen and because I wasn’t able to say no that it did. According to many people, that is assault. Even if that feels like too extreme of a word for what happened to me.

I don’t feel the need to go into a ton of details of exactly what happened. But I was on a second date with someone who I wasn’t sure I was interested in. He was aware that I wasn’t sure about him and that maybe he and I were meant to just be friends. He seemed willing to take things slow to see what would happen. Our second date ended up being hanging out at his place to watch a movie. I felt safe going over to his place, plus a friend had the information of where I would be. And for the first few hours, everything was fine.

We were cuddling on the couch when he decided to make the next move. I do not remember exactly what happened, but I do remember freezing. I didn’t say no and I didn’t fight him off. But I know that I didn’t say yes. But I’m guessing that because I didn’t say no or fight him, he assumed that meant I gave consent. There were no obvious signs that I didn’t want him to do that, but I also didn’t give him any signs that I did want to.

This is the reason why I believe the idea of “no means no” is wrong. I fully believe the guy who assaulted me feels that it was consensual. I actually feel a bit guilty that he has no clue that I did not want to do this and that he thought I was a willing partner.

My mind has blocked out a lot of what happened that night, but I do remember that I was laying in his bed wondering how I was going to leave several hours later. I was still worried for some reason about being rude. I don’t know why I cared about being polite, but I did. I remember waiting there and the alarm on my phone finally going off. And once my alarm went off I felt like that gave me a way to leave. I made some sort of excuse about having to be somewhere in the morning and left. I unmatched with him after that and never spoke to that guy again. And for a long time, I blamed myself and felt like it was a bad date and that’s it.

It was 6 months after that happened that I told a friend that story and they looked horrified. They said that it was assault because I never consented. I tried to tell them they were wrong, but the more I think about it the more I realize that’s true. But I never really did much about it.

I wasn’t going to report him because I do believe that he thinks that everything was fine. So many people don’t realize that a lack of consent is an issue because they only think they need to worry if someone says no. If I heard about him being accused of multiple assaults, then I might go speak to someone. But for now, my decision isn’t to do anything and I am ok with that. I don’t need anyone else to be ok with it.

When I was reading the story of what happened with Kobe, so many parts seemed the same as my story. She thought it was assault and he thought it was consensual. People questioned if it could be assault because he didn’t say no or fight him off. She participated in what happened even if she didn’t want to. People said she didn’t look upset after it happened so they didn’t think anything bad could have happened.

And reading Kobe’s statement expressed what I would hope the man who assaulted me would say if he was ever confronted with what I think. While Kobe believed it was consensual, he has since learned that it was not. He didn’t question why his accuser did what she did and he expressed remorse about what happened. I know some people say that it wasn’t a truthful statement from him and he was doing it to look better, but I choose to believe that he believed what he said and that he did rethink what happened that night.

I don’t necessarily have a point to sharing my story other than to say that this happens and that assault can be complicated. Even I struggle with the idea that this was assault and not somehow my fault. I struggle with guilt that I somehow am hiding something from the person who did this to me and that he should know because he has a right to know that it was wrong. And to say that the situation that happened with Kobe and his accuser is simple is probably not accurate. And because it was complicated, people can have complicated feelings about it. We shouldn’t judge other people by how they feel about a particular situation. We shouldn’t judge someone by how they react to an assault and we shouldn’t judge someone by how they react to a death.

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Another Attempt At A Reset (or Feeling Sick Got Me Into A Bad Routine)

Posted on January 29, 2020 | Comments Off on Another Attempt At A Reset (or Feeling Sick Got Me Into A Bad Routine)

When I was feeling sick from antibiotics, I dealt with a lot of random symptoms. Many of them were similar to what I deal with each month with pain and nausea, but they weren’t being resolved by the things I usually do to feel better. I was also dealing with other symptoms that made me just feel awful.

I was able to work and go to my workouts, but that’s about all I could do. I was exhausted because I was waking up constantly at night. I wasn’t eating well because I went from not being hungry to feeling so hungry and nothing seemed to be what I wanted. And I wasn’t drinking enough water (which is a rare issue for me to have since I tend to overhydrate) because for some reason drinking water was making me feel very full and my stomach was hurting.

I’m not proud of what I was doing while I was feeling sick because they really weren’t the best choices for me. The sleep issue was one that I couldn’t help too much, even though I probably could have tried to go to bed earlier so I would have maybe gotten a bit more sleep. But whatever sleep I would have gotten would have been interrupted, no matter how early I went to bed. That’s been a bit easier to get back to my normal routine than getting my eating back has been.

I didn’t do anything as bad as I have done in the past with binge episodes, but they weren’t good either. I was making bad choices constantly and I’m paying for it now. I don’t feel like myself and I just feel like I’m recovering from poor nutrition choices and I’m not feeling better. Fortunately, this is just a general uneasy feeling and not a sick feeling like the week before.

I was finally done with antibiotics over the weekend and I started working back toward what I know I need to be doing. But it hasn’t been easy to do, just like every other time I try to have better habits. And I’ve done this attempt so many times in the past and I know how frustrating it can be for me. But I have to do it because there really isn’t another choice for me.

I’m trying to get back to some basics with food. As much as I want to learn how to cook a lot of good options for myself, I also know that having too many options can be a bad thing for me. I need to be a bit more regimented in what I keep in my house and what I might each for each meal. It’s not the most fun thing to do or super interesting, but it’s a way to reset myself before I focus on adding more things back in. And I’ve been wanting to do the autoimmune protocol diet for a while so I might not be adding things back in once I do reset things for myself. But that’s not something I’m focusing on right now.

Right now, it’s about making sure I’m getting some good food into my body every day, even if that’s not all I eat all the time. And I need to get back to drinking more water on a regular schedule so I can stay hydrated but make sure I don’t start overhydrating myself again. I’m not too focused on eating on a regular schedule since that is a much bigger struggle for me that I don’t need to worry about right now. But I do need to make sure that I eat enough so I don’t have horrible cravings.

As things are so often in my life, it’s a huge balancing act to figure out the right combination of foods and schedule so that I’m not swinging too far one way or another. And while weight loss isn’t the point for me right now with trying to reset myself, I know it will be a result of my efforts because the poor choices I was making last week did make me gain weight.

Hopefully, in a week or so I will be back to a slightly more normal situation and I can focus on improving it more from that point. But I need to get back to my normal first before I make more changes. I’ve made the mistake of trying to do too much at one time with fixing my eating and I have seen it backfire. So I’m going to go slowly this time and hopefully I can prevent the issues I’ve had in the past. But if nothing else, I just want to be back to my normal and reset myself so I’m not feeling like I went so far back to old habits and I’m stuck there.

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Default ThumbnailMy Cold Caught Up With Me (or I Guess I Was Due To Get Sick) Default ThumbnailYup, I’m Sick (or Trying To Take Care Of Me) Default ThumbnailHaving Bad Days (or Did I Make Myself Sick) Default ThumbnailBeing Sick (or Feeling Off) Default ThumbnailFeeling Sick Just Isn’t Fun (or I Was Already Doing Nothing) Default ThumbnailRoutine Time Again (or Getting Back On Track)

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Posted in Food, Health, Tough Stuff

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Thinking Of Changing Up My Monthly Challenge (or I Guess This Would Be A First)

Posted on January 9, 2020 | Comments Off on Thinking Of Changing Up My Monthly Challenge (or I Guess This Would Be A First)

I’m only 9 days into the month, but I’m already rethinking the monthly challenge that I set for January. I said that I wanted to have all my reading this month be self-help or self-improvement books. This challenge was something I chose because I realized I was behind in my more serious reading because I was enjoying my fun reading too much. I have gotten books that I know I need to read because they will teach me something I need to know but I just kept putting it off. I didn’t want to have that excuse anymore and I wanted to get through my book list. I knew I probably had enough to read for the month, but I also thought maybe this challenge would help me find more self-help books that I should read.

I really thought this would be a great challenge for me. I knew it might not be easy because I do like to have some fluff reading in my life, but the idea of a challenge is to push myself. And I thought this would be a good push and that I would be able to do it.

But 9 days later, I’m thinking that this might not have been the best challenge for me.

Reading has always been one of the ways I relax and escape. I love getting lost in a good book and getting sucked into a story. It’s something I do every night when I’m getting ready to go to bed. And even though I can read something serious or intense when winding down for the night, it’s not the only thing I want to read. I need to have some of that entertainment and escape from time to time. Sometimes I have a stressful day and all I want to do before going to sleep is to have something easy to read that will calm me down a bit.

And I have had some of those stressful days the past few days. It’s nothing horrible, but I haven’t been calm and relaxed when I was trying to sleep. And I continued to read the self-help book that I started this month as my bedtime reading, but it just was starting to stress me out a bit more. The book isn’t about anything crazy, but it is something that is making me think a lot and that keeps me up later when I already can’t quiet my mind about everything I dealt with during the day. I pushed through when I could, but on Tuesday night I had a bit a breakdown and realized I just needed to switch up my books and read some fluff.

And honestly, reading that fluff that night was exactly what I needed to do. I was able to be a lot calmer as I fell asleep and I slept a lot better that night. I know that things haven’t been completely normal for me lately, but I still felt so guilty that I had already failed my monthly challenge. I hate knowing that I won’t be able to be successful in what I set out to do.

And I let that feeling sit with me for a day before I realized that I didn’t have to make this challenge a fail. I could change what the challenge would be. There’s nothing that says I can’t change the challenge if I realize that this isn’t going to work for me. And this might be a good opportunity to change it to fit what I need the challenge to be. I’m still playing around with what I would want the new version of the challenge to be, but I’m thinking about making a list of the top 3 or 4 self-help books that I want to read this month and making the challenge completing the list. I’m not sure that’s what I want the new challenge to be, but it gives me a starting point for reworking it.

I’m glad that I was able to change my mindset and not think of this as a failure of my monthly challenge but an opportunity to find a better way to challenge myself. But it still bugs me a bit that I wanted to push myself to do something that I knew would be hard and I wasn’t able to do it. I know I’m very competitive with myself and that’s probably something I need to work on. But I can’t help thinking that I can accomplish any goals that are within my control. But I guess it’s a sign of growth that even though I have those feelings that I was still able to reframe it and make the situation a bit more positive.

I’m going to take the rest of this week to figure out what my new version of the monthly challenge will be, but I probably won’t be posting about it again until I do my challenge recap. I don’t think I will need to change it more than once, but I also want to give myself permission to do that if I need to.

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Getting Used To A New Dentist Routine (or This Wasn’t The Appointment I Expected)

Posted on January 8, 2020 | Comments Off on Getting Used To A New Dentist Routine (or This Wasn’t The Appointment I Expected)

I’ve only had my new dentists for a short period of time, so things are still new to me. I had my old dentist for a long time and that routine and process were familiar to me. It still didn’t help with my fear of the dentist, but at least I knew what to expect. I figured with the new dentists that it would take some time because they were also figuring out their plan. What I might have experienced at my first appointment might not be what they continue to do. So when I went in for my cleaning this week, I knew that things might be different. I just wasn’t expecting how things ended up going.

In the past, I would have my cleanings 3 times a year and at one of those appointments, I would have the full exam with the dentist along with x-rays. But because of how the new dentists run things, and since they are the ones that assist with all the cleanings, now all my cleanings will have an exam too. I won’t be doing x-rays every time, but I’ll probably have them more often.

Whenever I have a cleaning, and even more when I have an exam, I’m worried that something will be discovered with my teeth. It’s happened so many times and I know that it will continue to happen in the future. But I try my best to make sure I do everything I can for my teeth. But because of having genetically bad teeth, I know that I can’t prevent everything. And I will always have problems with my teeth discovered that will need to be fixed.

And unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened at this appointment.

While doing the exam, my dentist discovered 2 spots that weren’t quite cavities yet but would become cavities if I didn’t get them taken care of soon. They would need to be drilled and filled just like cavities and there was nothing I could do to fix them on my own. It’s exactly what I’m afraid will happen and honestly, it is probably what keeps me fearful of the dentist.

My dentist gave me a few options about what to do about them. I obviously wanted to fix them, and she said they could do it in that appointment so I wouldn’t have to come back another day. And because of where they were on my teeth and how small they were, I probably wouldn’t need any numbing medications. I wasn’t sure about that, but I was willing to give it a try. So we did both the cleaning and the fillings at the same time.

We did the first part of the cleaning before doing the drilling. Even though my dentist is new, she is very aware of how bad my fear is and she was trying to do everything she could to make the appointment better for me. She promised that if the drilling hurt too much that she could numb me, but she really wanted to try without it because she didn’t think I would need it. And she said that the drilling would only be about 20 seconds between both spots.

I wasn’t sure that she was right that I could do it without any numbing medications, but I promised to try. And there was only a split second that I felt anything. And what I did feel wasn’t too painful, it was just like an intense cleaning. And then the drilling was done. I think the worst part was that there is a burning smell after they do the drilling. But that’s nothing. It made me wonder about how bad all my other appointments with fillings were and maybe the worst part was getting numb.

The spots were quickly filled and they used the light to cure them and then the dentist did the rest of the cleaning with polishing my teeth. That’s it. I was done with the entire thing in under an hour which was crazy! I was expecting it to be much longer, especially since they were adding in the fillings. But they were super efficient and I really appreciate that. Anything that makes my time at the dentist faster makes me feel better about it.

I’ll have my next appointment in 4 months, which is normal for me. And now I know it will be both the cleaning and the exam so that won’t be a big surprise to me. But I will probably still be worried that they will discover something wrong. I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away because it keeps coming true from time to time. But at least now, I have a slightly better feeling about how things will be handled if that does happen.

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Default ThumbnailStaying Calm With Changes (or Testing My Fear Of The Dentist) Default ThumbnailLast Dentist Appointment For A While (or Not Really A Quick Appointment) Default ThumbnailA Boring Visit At The Dentist (or Getting Ready For A Future Bad Appointment) Default ThumbnailMore Adventures At The Dentist (or Getting Through A Long Appointment) Default ThumbnailSurviving At The Dentist (or When Will I Grow Out Of My Fear) Default ThumbnailSurprises At The Dentist (or Guess I Have A Few More Appointments)

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Reflecting On My 2019 Word (or Did I Trust Enough Or Too Much?)

Posted on December 27, 2019 | Comments Off on Reflecting On My 2019 Word (or Did I Trust Enough Or Too Much?)

With the year wrapping up, it’s time to look back at what goals and ideas I had at the beginning of the year. My next few posts will be covering different aspects of this and I was debating about what I wanted to start with for the past few days. But I decided that I wanted to start with my word for 2019.

As a reminder, my word for the year was “Trust“. This was an important word for me to choose for so many reasons. My main focus was that I wanted to be able to put more trust in others because I knew I had closed myself off. I also knew that I wasn’t always thinking the best of people and I hated that I didn’t have that as a mindset anymore. But I also wanted to work on trusting myself and what will come. So much of that needed trust was about what others thought of me or saw in me. I wanted to trust that I was worth it, even if I struggled with that thought.

This ended up being the perfect word for me for this past year because I had to put a lot of trust into many different people and situations. And for the most part, I would say this was a positive experience for me. I was able to have belief in friends that I might not have given them before. If someone said they would confirm something with me later, I didn’t stress too much about it wondering if they forgot about me. Of course, I wasn’t perfect with this and I did sometimes worry that I was forgotten, but I decided that I could wait the situation out before automatically thinking that I couldn’t trust or believe them to do it.

I also had some trust in my job situation and while it hasn’t gotten to a place I want it to be, it’s much better. I feel much more secure in my main day job and I think I’m in an ok place with the other job. I will be refocusing my job hunt again starting next month, but I don’t stress as much as I did before with all the issues I’ve encountered with work. Even with my customers making complaints about things that are out of my control, I am able to trust that my bosses know what is really happening and that my job isn’t at risk.

But the biggest place that I knew I wanted to put more trust in my life is with dating. I wanted to believe that I could trust someone with my feelings and that I didn’t have to always be on guard. And there were several times that I was able to be open and comfortable when I don’t think I would have been that way before. It never worked out the way that I wanted it to, but it wasn’t always bad. When I was open and honest with someone and they tell me that they don’t want to see me again, it hurts but I also don’t have regrets because I know that I was my real self. And putting that little bit of trust in others was necessary for me to be fully in my date and not putting on an act or hiding too much of myself.

But as I expected it might happen, putting this trust in my dating life did also backfire at times. I gave people trust who didn’t deserve it. Or I gave them more trust than I should have and I needed to be a bit more protective of myself. I allowed a few guys to take that trust and use it against me. And it hurt a lot when that happened. I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to trust that way and it made me question if I was being too naive or letting someone take advantage of me. But I have realized that these guys were going to betray me no matter how much or how little trust I gave them. I had blinders to who they really were and that wasn’t necessarily my fault. They only showed me one part of themselves and I gave them that trust based on that. And while I do regret giving them that trust and faith, I also know that if I hadn’t done so that they still would have done the same things that hurt me and I probably would feel the same.

Looking back at the past year, I do think I put more trust out in my life and that it was a worthwhile thing to do. I think I needed to do this to find new boundaries and ideas with myself and how I think of others. Even with the few regrets I had, I know they have made me a better and stronger person and has allowed me to see how I can put trust out there without putting my emotions at risk. This was something I needed and I think that it made the year better for me. And I know these lessons are ones that I will continue to do in 2020.

I won’t be revealing my word for 2020 for about another week, but I have to say that having “Trust” as my word this year helped guide me to my word next year. I love it when these words of the year connect and help continue my journey. It just feels so perfect and meant to be.

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Default ThumbnailMy 2019 Word (or Finding Trust) Default ThumbnailBe Bold (or My Word For 2015) Default ThumbnailMy Word Of 2016 (or I’m Going To Be Strong) Default ThumbnailMy 2017 Word (or I Am A Warrior) Default ThumbnailFinding Balance (or My Word For 2020) Default ThumbnailUnder 90 Days Left In The Year (or Doing A Bit Of Reflecting)

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I Guess It’s Good I Have Time Off (or My Body Never Goes Easy On Me)

Posted on December 24, 2019 | Comments Off on I Guess It’s Good I Have Time Off (or My Body Never Goes Easy On Me)

I’m sorry in advance that this is going to be a shorter post. But hopefully you all understand.

Because of the timing of the holidays this year, I have several days off from work. It’s the longest break I’ve had in a while and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my time. I knew I wanted to relax a bit and catch up on some fun things, but it looks like my body had a different idea with how to start things off.

I don’t know exactly what caused this, but it looks like something I ate on Sunday gave me food poisoning. I woke up on Monday, I had very intense stomach cramps. These were similar to the cramps I usually get from my period, but they were much higher up in my body. I’m grateful that they didn’t cause nausea, but they were extremely painful. My body was almost going numb when the pain was the most intense. I tried my best to have a normal Monday (since that’s normally my day off), but it was impossible. I spent almost the entire day sleeping and trying to get through the pain.

I think whatever caused the food poisoning has worked its way out of my system or isn’t affecting me anymore, but I’m still feeling a bit weak. I’m going to spend today continuing to try to recover and I’m hoping that by tomorrow I’ll feel fine. But I know based on how I usually have to deal with pain that I just have to be gentle with myself and do what I need to do. But I’m optimistic that I got over this food poisoning and I’ll be myself by the end of today.

I guess I just need to be grateful that I have today off work as well and have tomorrow free in case I need that time to recover. And I’m glad I didn’t make any big plans for having so many days off because I would hate it if I had to cancel plans or feel like this on a trip. So I guess sometimes these extra days off come right when I need them.

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Default ThumbnailJust Some New Pain (or I Guess This Is A Sign Of Getting Old) Default ThumbnailA Low Key Post (or I Guess Things Come In Threes) Default ThumbnailBack To Back Medical Issues (or I Guess My Body Gave Me A Sign) Default ThumbnailMy Day At Kaiser (or I Guess This Was For The Best) Default ThumbnailI Feel Like My Body Is Playing Tricks On Me (or Trying To Beat My Nausea) Default ThumbnailSome Highs And Lows Of My Body (or I Found One Possible Benefit To My Nausea)

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Getting Ready For Thanksgiving (or I Wish Flying Was Easier)

Posted on November 27, 2019 | Comments Off on Getting Ready For Thanksgiving (or I Wish Flying Was Easier)

I’m traveling to Sacramento again this year for Thanksgiving. Our family Thanksgiving was originally planned to be there since my grandma couldn’t travel. Since she passed away recently, we didn’t change the plans for our family. But starting next year, I think my family is going to go back to switching up where we have Thanksgiving each year.

I was so used to going to San Diego each year for a while and I have to admit that I liked Thanksgiving being there. I know that it wasn’t easy for most people in my family to get there, but it was easy for me. I didn’t necessarily love the drive down there because it could take a lot longer than normal, but driving is so much easier for me than flying. I miss it when I could just pack up my car and go without thinking too much about it. Flying takes so much more effort and planning for me.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful that I get to fly to be with my family for Thanksgiving. I’m really grateful that my parents are able to help me out with getting a ticket (since I don’t have the money for it) and that I get to spend the holiday with so many members of my family. But flying really does stress me out so much. My panic attacks with flying have gotten better to the point I don’t have to be medicated while flying, but I do still deal with a lot of panic and anxiety when I have to get on a plane.

Maybe this is because I don’t fly that often. The last time I was on a plane was a year ago for Thanksgiving last year. Maybe if I flew all the time it would feel routine for me. Or maybe it would be just as bad as it always is for me. I don’t know and I doubt I will ever fly enough to figure it out.

Before I fly, I have stress and a bit of panic with packing. When I drove to Thanksgiving, I didn’t have to think about how much I packed or how it was packed. I didn’t necessarily overpack, but I wasn’t as organized when I could put lots of things in my car. I always had a suitcase for my clothes and toiletries, but I didn’t pack everything for my trip in a suitcase. I sometimes would have a different bag for shoes because I would have a few different pairs depending on the weather and what we were going to do. I would have a bag just for my work stuff since that can take up a lot of room. I would pack presents for my family in a separate bag so they were safe and easy to get to when we exchanged presents. And I usually helped out by making some food for Thanksgiving so I would have a bag for that too. Plus my everyday purse with my normal day to day things like my wallet and what I would need when I was out and about.

There is no way I can do all that for a trip where I’m flying. I have just one carryon and one large purse that can fit my computer plus a few other personal things. I have to be very selective with what I pack for clothes, including my shoes. Fortunately, I have found a few ways I can reduce what I need to have with me to work without affecting my ability to do my job. And I have to find a way to basically fit everything into one bag that used to only be one part of what I bring with me. It’s such a dumb thing to stress me out, but it does. I’m just glad that I have it figured out and everything does fit in the suitcase I have with me. I just have to be ok with maybe not having the best outfits with me or not having all the toiletries and makeup that I’d want to bring. I guess the one positive is that my suitcase home will be easier to pack because the presents I have for my family take up a big part of the bag.

And then the entire ordeal of flying is something that stresses me out. I worry that I won’t be able to get to the airport on time. I worry that the security line will be so long that I will miss my flight. And the thing that stresses me out so much, that somehow for some reason I won’t fit in the airplane seat. This has never been an issue for me and I have flown when I weighed more than I do now. So there is no reason for me to think that somehow I won’t fit. The seats aren’t comfortable, but I don’t think most people find them comfortable. I know I will be fine flying and that I won’t have issues like not being able to get into a seat, but for some reason, this fear doesn’t go away until I am off the plane at the end of my trip. So this will be a fear I have in the back of my head the entire time I’m in Sacramento. This fear isn’t something that is determined just by my weight. When I was at my skinniest, I still had the same fear. I’m guessing this is a part of my body dysmorphia and that it will be something I will always deal with, at least a little bit.

By the time you are all reading this, I will have made it through the flight there so my packing and some of my flying stress will be done. And I’m hoping that the remaining stress and fear will be able to be pushed aside so I can enjoy the few days that I get to spend with my family and I don’t waste that time worrying about unnecessary things.

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