Posted onJuly 24, 2018|Comments Off on Celebrating A Friend’s Birthday (or Not Letting Feeling Gross Stop Me From Being Social)
I’ve been pretty good about not letting my recurring nausea get me down too much. I still do my workouts, even if I have to do a ton of modifications in order to get them done. And sometimes I can barely do the workout, but I figure doing something is better than doing nothing. I’ve felt like this for the last year and a half (since I started having the nausea issues) and it’s never been something I’ve thought twice about. And I’ve never had issues with working when I feel sick either. It does help that I work from home and I can work from my bed if necessary.
Even though I am good with maintaining my workout schedule and not asking for time off work, I am not always dealing with my nausea in the best way. Obviously when I’m sick all day and it’s one of the brutal days I don’t expect to be able to do anything. But even when it’s only mild I have used it as an excuse from time to time. And that’s something that I really shouldn’t be doing because it can isolate me 50% of the time. I need to work on pushing myself to do more when I’m not feeling totally perfect and this past weekend gave me a good opportunity to do that.
My friend Marie was having a small birthday gathering at her house. She’s done this for the past few years but I’ve never been able to make it before. Sometimes I have had to work and sometimes I had a previous commitment that prevented me from going. But this year I happened to be free that afternoon/evening and I wanted to make sure I showed up.
Her birthday gathering was an all-day movie marathon. I knew I couldn’t be there for the first few movies because I had work and my workout, but I was determined to make it for at least a little bit of time in the afternoon. I was having a nausea day and after my workout ended up taking a nap to try to make myself feel better. Unfortunately I wasn’t doing that much better after my nap but I just told myself that I had to push through. I took my medications that can help (they weren’t really helping this day but it was better than nothing) and told myself that I was going to make an appearance and could always go home after being there for a little bit.
Besides wanting to celebrate Marie’s birthday with her, I had a little extra motivation to go. They just adopted a dog and I wanted to meet her! She’s a cute little puppy that was rescued from Thailand so she’s a bit skittish. But she was getting more comfortable in her new home so it was ok for people to come over to see her.
I got to the party while one movie was just ending so I headed to their backyard to just hang out and chat with the friends who were there. And when the movie ended and people came out to join us, I was having a good time talking to people even though I just saw many of them a few weeks ago for the 4th of July. But like I always say, I love just spending time with these friends and I’m grateful for any opportunity I get to see them.
When the next movie was starting, I debated about going in to watch it. But I still wasn’t feeling great and was thinking about leaving soon so I decided to stay in the backyard being social. Some of my friends wanted to take my phone to swipe on dating apps so that ended up being entertainment for a bunch of us. And of course we were all watching the new puppy and seeing all the fun things that she was doing.
I ended up staying at the party much longer than I thought I would. I probably stayed a little bit too long because I was feeling really nauseous on my drive home and was worried I’d need to get off the freeway so I could be sick. Fortunately, that didn’t happen and I made it home without any incidents. But it did make me much more aware of the signs my body gives me when the nausea is about to take a bad turn.
While this wasn’t the most active thing to do, it still was something that in the past I would not go to because of how I was feeling. But I’ve been more and more open with my friends regarding the nausea so they are all very understanding. If a wave of nausea hits me and I just have to breathe to let it pass, they understand and don’t freak out or overreact. I need to remember this more often because I use my fear of how my friends will treat me as a reason to stay home when I feel sick.
I know that it’s going to take some time to get into the habit of not letting my nausea stop me from being social, but I’m glad I had an opportunity to try it out and prove to myself that I can do it. And of course I’m still hoping that in the near future I will figure out some plan that will make my nausea go away and no longer be an issue for me.
I was pretty proud of myself when I started running again, but I also knew that I had to keep being easy on myself. I can see how easily I could push myself to try to be back to where I was before, but I know that in the long run it is better for me to take my time and work my way back there. This past week of workouts really gave me the chance to work on my progress as well as test my patience to prove to myself that I know how to take it slow.
Monday’s workout was a themed workout. Even though it was a 2 group class, it was a 3 partner workout as soon as we were done with the warm-up. But instead of having someone controlling the switch between the partners, all of the blocks were timed. We had 9 blocks (3 at each section) and they were all 3.5 minutes long.
When I was on the rower, we had distance rows. Each distance went up by 50 meters and we had squats with medicine balls between each row. And the partner on the rower ahead told me what distance they did so I picked up where they left off. I started on the rower and did the 100 and 150 meter rows. The next time I was on the rower I did the 400 meter and started the 450 meter row. And the last time on the rower I did the 650 meter row.
The floor was the same block every time and the timing worked out where I was able to get through each exercise once before time was called. We had swinging leg lunges, squats, pull-ups on the straps, seated twists with weights, and double crunches. The lunges were a bit tough for me but I was able to do the swinging lunges by holding on to the wall for balance. I noticed that I’m a lot stronger with my lunges going back than I was going forward so I tried to even them out when I was doing them.
The treadmill was supposed to be a mix of endurance, strength, and power but I kind of did the same thing every time. The first block was supposed to be a 3 minute push pace and a 30 second all out pace. I did the 3 minute push pace as my 30 second running/1 minute walking intervals and then did the 30 second all out as a run. The second block was supposed to be the same thing but with incline work and I just did the same as the first block. And the last block was a 30 second all out, 30 second walking recovery, 45 second all out, 45 second walking recovery, and 1 minute all out. I was going to do all of the all outs as a run, but I was a bit hesitant about the 1 minute all out. But I figured I’d try it and see what happens and managed to do the entire thing as a run.
Wednesday’s workout was a strength based class but I wanted to keep working on my running so I didn’t do any of the incline work. We had 3 blocks that all had a similar plan. The first block was 3 rounds of 1 minute base paces at an incline followed by 1 minutes of base pace at a flat road with a 30 second all out at the end. I ran when we were supposed to be doing the incline work and then had my base pace as my regular power walking to recover. And I ran the all out at the end just like I had been doing. The next block was 75 second hills with 45 second flat road recoveries. I ran for 45 seconds and then did the last 30 second and the 45 seconds of the recovery as my power walk. And the last block was 90 second hills with 60 second flat road recoveries and I did 30 second run/30 second walk intervals instead of the hill time.
I was battling some nausea during the end of the treadmill time, but I really tried to fight through it. I think it might be too early to tell, but I felt like the nausea wasn’t as bad when I was running as it was when I was walking. It might be like my hip pain which hurts less with running for some weird reason. I did have to take some breaks during the treadmill to let the nausea go by, but it wasn’t as bad as it can get so I felt pretty lucky that I was able to do the running work that I did.
The floor was split into a longer floor block and a short rowing block. On the floor block we had bent low rows, pullovers, bicep curls, and reverse flies with weights and then the block ended with crunches. For my low rows, bicep curls, and reverse flies I was using a 20lb weight and I used a 30lb weight for my pullovers. Those were all the new heavier weights with the exception of the low rows (I couldn’t find a 25lb weight and 30lb was too heavy). And the rowing was a similar pattern with the treadmill with 2 rounds of 90 second rows for distance and ending with a 30 second all out row. All of my rowing was higher than the minimum we were supposed to get, but it wasn’t as good as I know it could be.
Friday was a day that was a horrible nausea day for me. I honestly was ok with that because I should have been nauseous all week and it was only minor. But Friday was one of the epic bad nausea days so I knew I had to use the bike to make sure that I was being kind to myself and that I wouldn’t make the situation worse.
This workout was a power day and it would have been an amazing day to work on my running. We had short push paces followed by base paces and that’s exactly the thing I need to practice my running form and endurance. But on the bike I just focused on trying to keep moving. I wasn’t always increasing my resistance the way that I normally would, but I tried to do it when I could. It was not my best bike day for sure, but I also have learned that doing whatever I can on my bad nausea days is all I can ask for sometimes.
On the floor the first block was timed exercises with lunges and rolling burpees. I did modified burpees using the bench for my hands instead of the ground which helps. We also had a rowing block where we had to count how many pulls it took us to get to 100 meters. I’m getting pretty good and going slow with my rowing to get the count down and even with feeling pretty sick I was still able to do a good job with it. And then we had skater lunges as well as lunges to overhead presses with weights. Those were a bit tough with the nausea, but I just took it slowly and took breaks when I needed to.
Fortunately by Saturday I was feeling a bit better. Still nauseous, but not anything close to what I was feeling on Friday. But when I learned it was a partner workout, I was a bit nervous. I didn’t want to have a partner relying on me when I didn’t feel my best. So I told the coach that if we had an odd number in class that I really wanted to be working alone. And we did have an odd number so I was solo for the partner workout.
The partner workout was for the entire class. The idea was one person was either on the treadmill or rower and the other was on the floor. And the person on the cardio side was the person who controlled the switch. We had assignments for the treadmill or rower and then the floor was one long block. On the floor we had bench sit ups to squats, high rows on the straps, burpees, plank jacks, toe reaches, bicycle crunches, hop overs, crunches with heel touches, over/under static crunches, and running men. The first exercise started at 10 reps and they went up by 10 ending with 100 running men.
Since I didn’t have a partner to switch with, my coach told me to do 3 floor exercises each time except to do the 100 running men on their own. Because I was doing that, I was on the floor a little longer than the people in the partner groups, but that was fine with me. I really just wanted to focus on doing the work and doing the best I could. With the burpees, plank jacks, and running men I used the bench for my hands instead of the floor. But that also meant I was able to do the burpees with jumping my feet back and forth instead of walking them back.
With the cardio side, I focused on just doing the rowing without a break. It was tough since the first time on the rower was a 1,000 meter row, but I did it. I did feel a bit nauseous at the end of the rowing, but I think that was more to do with being tired and less to do with the nausea I normally have. And on the treadmill, I focused on my run/walk intervals. I had been doing 30 seconds running/1 minute running but I decided to test things and bump it up a little. So I did 45 seconds running/1 minute walking and it was going pretty well. I did the full treadmill assignments instead of cutting them in half for power walkers, but again since I didn’t have a partner I wasn’t too worried about taking too much time.
Considering that this was supposed to be a bad nausea week, I really lucked out. I only had 1 day where it truly affected my workout and I continued to make progress in my running. As much as I want to test myself this week and see what I can do, I also know that this slow progress is exactly what my body needs and will allow me to get back to where I was eventually.
Posted onJuly 19, 2018|Comments Off on On Your Feet (Good Food And Good Music)
I can’t believe that my current season of musicals is almost done! Then again, right after this season ends in August the next season starts in September so I won’t have that much of a break (unlike last time when “Hamilton” was here for several months). But this past weekend was the next to last musical of this season, and we made sure we had a good night out!
We started at Wood & Vine again. It really is our favorite pre-musical restaurant and we knew they’d be changing the menu soon so we wanted to go back before the change. We loved so much of the food we had last time and we wanted to have those again in case they were not on the new menu. We were seated on the patio which was nice since the weather had cooled down a bit since the heat wave.
We ordered the mac and cheese, asparagus with tomatoes, and tortellini again that we had last time. But we switched it up and decided to try the rib eye steak as well. It is a bit of a splurge, but it’s a huge steak that was more than enough for the 3 of us to share. If I was only sharing it with 1 other person, I think the steak and a veggie side would be enough to make me full.
The steak was so amazing! We all miss the bone marrow (and hope that it will be coming back to the menu soon!), but the steak was delicious and I have a feeling we will be ordering it again the next time we are there!
We were just deciding which of the desserts we wanted to order when we discovered that they were sending us all of the desserts! They really do spoil us there and I love getting to have all of them awesome food. But we really weren’t expecting to get the desserts sent to us and we were all so happy to try them. They had made some changes to the desserts and they were even better than they were the last time.
After we finished dinner, we headed across the street to the Pantages for our show. This time, we were seeing “On Your Feet” which is the Gloria Estefan musical.
I’ve seen a few different jukebox musicals and expected it to remind me of “Jersey Boys” or “Beautiful“. We although thought maybe it would be similar to “The Bodyguard” since some reviews said it was similar to watching a concert. We all went into the show with an open mind and excited to see what it would be like.
I’m familiar with Gloria Estefan’s music, but I knew that I didn’t know all of her music or that some popular songs were hers. And I knew for sure that I wasn’t too familiar with her story of how she got to where she is now. So I really liked how the musical really did tell her story of her family and how they came to America as well as how she got started as a teenager. It really was a great telling of her life and even though there were a few brief flashbacks it was almost all chronological so it was an easy story to follow.
And as expected, there were a ton of songs that I knew and loved and a few songs that I loved and didn’t know were hers. Every time a song started you could feel the energy of the audience perk up. Fortunately nobody was singing along (a problem we’ve experienced before at shows) but everyone was enjoying the show and loving the performances of the actors. They were all really talented and there were times I forgot I was watching someone play Gloria Estefan and not watching her sing.
I definitely learned a lot about her story and it made me admire her so much for all the work she has done for her career. It was impressive to see how she had to fight to be a crossover artist and sing in English. And I didn’t know about the bus accident that she was in and how doctors thought she might not walk again. In the car ride home from the show, I was looking up so much about her story because I realized how little I knew about her. While my mom enjoys musicals, she doesn’t love them the same way I do so I usually don’t recommend shows to her. But this was one that I called her about as soon as I was home and told her she needed to see it when it was touring near them.
Our last show of the season is about a month away and then we’ll be in our next season. And of course we are already looking at the 2019-2020 season which should be announced toward the end of this year or beginning of next year. They’ve only announced one show so far, but I have a feeling we will be getting season tickets again because of how fun these nights are for me and my friends.
Posted onJuly 17, 2018|Comments Off on 6 Years In (or Being Ok With Where I Am)
Yesterday marked 6 years since my first blog post on here. I know I say this every time I get to a milestone on this blog, but I’m still so surprised that I’ve not only been able to keep this up but still blog 5 days a week like I set out to do when I started. It’s been over 1500 posts and they haven’t all been interesting, but they have been the proof of my journey. And I have been on quite a journey since I started this 6 years and a day ago.
When I started, I had no idea what I would really blog about or how much of myself I would be open about. I still don’t always know what I’m going to blog about sometimes, but the blog has motivated me to make sure that I keep my life as interesting as possible so that I can have fun things to write about. It doesn’t always happen, but it is some motivation for me when I feel like I don’t have anything fun in my life. I know that life will be boring from time to time and that will result in some boring posts, but I think that my life has gotten more interesting in the last 6 years.
And I still surprise myself but how much being open about tough things in my life on here has benefitted me. I was terrified when I revealed some things about myself that I wasn’t very public about because I didn’t want negative reactions from anyone. I have had some people comment about how I am lying about my eating disorder to make an excuse for my weight, but those are rare. A majority of people have been very positive toward me about these issues. Some have admitted that they have the same struggles or have reached out to me asking for how they can help someone they love who struggles with things. Being able to help others or encourage others to be open has been a really positive experience for me and I’ve tried to do that more often when possible.
There was no way for me to know 6 years ago the craziness that my life was going to have in the coming years. I’ve had some crazy health issues and fortunately they have all either worked themselves out or are not things I really need to worry about right now. I feel like I’ve had dozens of different day jobs since starting this blog, but I know it hasn’t been that many. My job situation has actually been more stable in the last 6 years than it ever has been for me. I haven’t traveled as much as I would have liked to in the last 6 years, but there are a few factors preventing that and I’m hopeful that in the future I’ll be traveling more.
And in the last year I’ve written more about dating than I ever thought I would. But if I’m being honest with myself, I think that this past year (or year and a half) of dating adventures has been the thing that has changed me the most over the course of this blog. It’s made me more adventurous in trying new things and taking chances on meetings guys who I wasn’t totally sold on from their dating profile. Sometimes they are just as bad in person, but there have been a few guys that I really wasn’t looking forward to meeting in person that ended up being really awesome. I’ve also learned to stand up for myself more and to not allow guys (or anyone for that matter) walk over me because I think I am not worthy of asking for more. I still struggle with that, but I’m getting better. And I’ve had to be more honest with myself on what I want in a potential partner, what I want in the future, and be willing to lose a great guy because we don’t want the same thing. Just like so many other things in my life, this is a work in progress, but the progress I’ve made has been so much more than I ever expected it to be.
Just like how I had no idea 6 years ago where I would be today, I have no clue what the next 6 years of this blog will bring. I have ideas of what I hope will happen, but I also have learned that nothing seems to go exactly how you hope. I can just have goals and work as hard as possible to accomplish those goals. But plan A rarely works and I’ve gotten used to working on plan M or Q. I do hope that I will still be blogging and still be blogging as regularly as I have been. I know that eventually I’ll miss a day or something will happen that prevents me from blogging (I thought my liver surgery would be that thing), but I do have every intention of keeping this up as long as possible.
Thank you for following my journey for the last 6 years and I hope that things continue to take twists and turns so I have fun things to write to you all about.
Last week I blogged about how I finally got back on the treadmill after 7 weeks of only using the bike during my workouts. That was a huge accomplishment for me not only because I knew my endurance would be lower than before but because I was terrified that walking would be so difficult for me. I didn’t want to feel disappointed or frustrated with myself and I knew that was going to happen. I would have to take time making progress and I’m not the most patient person. But this past week of workouts, I made progress that I wasn’t expecting to happen for a while.
Monday’s workout was a power switch day, so I was excited to try to see what I could do on the treadmill. We were never on the treadmill for more than 5 minutes so it was a good day to work on my speed and not feel too overwhelmed. But we switched so much that I was exhausted because the workout was crazy!
When I was on the treadmill, I used my slower speed for my base pace and my normal speed for my push and all out paces with the inclines all being my normal inclines. It was a bit tough at times to keep the speed up, but it was feeling easier than it had before so I know there was progress. It was very limited treadmill time compared to other switch days because even though this was a 2 group class we were using the treadmill, rowers, and floor sections.
When I was on the rower, it was always the same thing with rounds of 30 second all out rows with 15 seconds of recovery. I know my rowing wasn’t my best, but it was nice knowing that all the rowing was going to be 30 seconds because that goes by so quickly.
But the craziest section to me was when we were on the floor. We had a mix of timed exercises and counting the reps but they were equally hard. In the timed sections we always had just one thing to do. One block was squats with front presses using the medicine ball. Another block was skater lunges. And the last timed block was frogger squats. The timed work was always 30 seconds of work with 15 seconds of recovery but the recovery felt like nothing! In the other blocks we had things like chest presses, push-ups, and sit-ups.
About halfway through this workout, I felt like I was done. I thought it was just me from being so tired from the heat. But I asked a friend who was working out at the station next to me and he agreed that this workout was one of the tougher ones we had done. I think the combination of the quick switches, power moves, and lack of rest really made this hard. But I was glad I did it and as always felt so accomplished when class was done.
Wednesday’s workout was an endurance day and was supposed to be a workout to prepare us for when we have a 12 minute distance run again. I’m nowhere near ready to do a distance run, so I knew this workout was going to be more of a focus of just trying to get my endurance back.
The first block on the treadmill was a 5 1/2 minute distance run, a 90 second recovery, and another 5 1/2 minute distance run. We were supposed to be in a push pace during the distance run sections, and I did have my incline at the push incline I normally use. But I just knew that I couldn’t do my normal speed for that amount of time yet so I just did the entire thing at my slower speed. I was a bit disappointed in myself because I probably should have at least tried, but I could just feel it in my body that I was not going to be able to do it. The second treadmill block was 3 rounds of 1 minute push paces and 90 second base paces with an all out pace at the end. Again, I did my inclines like normal but used the slower speed.
On the floor, the first block was split up with a row in the middle. We had rounds of bridge rows and tricep extensions on the straps first and then a 300 meter row. Then we had ab dolly knee tuck and rollouts after. And the second block started with a 600 meter row and then we had more ab dolly work and swimmers. My floor work wasn’t my strongest, but I think that was because none of it involved weights and that’s when I’ve been doing my best. But I need to learn how to push myself more with body weight work too.
Friday was where I made my huge progress. I saw that the workout was going to have lots of 30 second all out paces. This format was similar to what the workout was like the first time I tried running. It was a little different with some of the all out paces being after a push pace, but there were plenty of all out paces that were right before and after a walking recovery. Even though I just got back to the treadmill, I thought this would be the perfect chance to test out running. I was a bit terrified that I was pushing myself too much, but I told myself that I could always stop running if it didn’t feel right.
There were 3 blocks and they all started with a 2 minute push pace followed by a 30 second all out which I walked at my slower speed. Then we had 3 different 30 second all outs sandwiched between the walking. And I decided to go for it and run. I ran at my old running speed and was surprised how it didn’t feel as difficult to get back to running as it did to get back to walking. The third 30 second all out each block was tough because I was getting tired, but not anything like I thought it would be.
I couldn’t believe that I was running again. I hadn’t really run at all since the end of last year and I was only back on the treadmill for a week and a half before trying running. And I really wasn’t expecting to be able to do this for at least a month or so. But I guess when I’m coming back to something I had done before, it was easier than when I started the first time.
After the running on the treadmill, I was ready to move to the floor. The workout was a Friday the 13th theme so all the floor moves were either 13 or 26 reps. It was one long block with adding on exercises to start and then taking away exercises after that. And each round had a 30 second all out row as well. The exercises were hop overs, triceps with weights, bench sit-ups to squats, and burpees. The hop overs were tough and my legs were feeling like bricks. And I knew there was no way I could do 13 burpees. So I decided to do modified burpees with putting my hands on the end of the bench instead of the ground. And with having that extra leverage with not being totally parallel to the ground, I was able to hop my feet out and back instead of stepping back! That was another thing I wasn’t expecting to be able to do.
After my huge progress on Friday, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect on Saturday. And when I saw it was a strength based run/row day I was still a bit unsure. But I decided that working on my running progress was going to be a priority to I didn’t do any of the incline work. We had 4 blocks that all started on the rower and then had a run for distance until time was called. The first row was 400 meters and each block went down 100 meters so we had more time on the treadmill each block. I went with my old interval training with 30 seconds of running and 1 minute of walking for my running plan. But because of the timing of everything, I usually ended up running for a bit longer at the end of each block. I even had a block where I ran for almost a minute! That was pushing it a bit much for me, but it just proved to me that my progress was going to be easier than I thought.
On the floor we had 2 blocks. The first block was lunges with weights, chest fly with weights, and ab work. I did both the lunges and chest fly work with 25lb weights which is higher than I was doing before. I figured I needed to make up for the strength work on the floor since I didn’t do it on the treadmill. And the second block had deadlifts, bicep curls, hip bridges, and side plank dips. For my deadlifts I used 30lb weights (instead of my usual 20lb), for my biceps I used 20lb weights (instead of my usual 15lb), and for my hip bridges I used one of the 30lb weights (I don’t really have a usual for this since I am newer to using weights for this move). I love how much stronger I am than I thought and it still makes me so happy when I get to walk over to the heavy weight rack to pick up heavy weights.
I honestly wasn’t expecting to have this much progress this past week. I thought the week before was the huge thing with getting back on the treadmill. But I guess I underestimated myself and I’m proving that I really can do it. I don’t know how long it will take me to get back to running like I was doing before. I’ve learned now not to set plans for myself. I am a bit worried about how I will feel running when I will be nauseous (which will probably be happening this week or next), but again I’m just going to listen to my body and do what feels right. My body was telling me I could run again when my brain was telling me not to. I’m glad I listened to my body.
Posted onJuly 13, 2018|Comments Off on Sometimes I Miss Not Caring (or The Grass Is Always Greener)
It’s been interesting being one of the only single people in my group of friends. So many of my friends who are married or are in serious relationships have loved hearing about my onlinedating adventures. They live vicariously through me and usually they ask if they can swipe on the apps for me. I limit them to swiping on Bumble because on there the woman has to message the guy first. If I let them swipe on Tinder, that could lead to a creeper message I don’t want to see. I always will get gross and creepy messages, but I like to limit those if possible.
A lot of the time, I complain to those friends that I just want to meet someone so I can get off of the apps. I am having fun dating and it’s so different now compared to other times in my life, but I also am tired of meeting new guys and hoping something will happen. I’m tired of the bad dates and the stress before a first date wondering if it will be good or bad. I do think I’ve been lucky compared to other single people as I have had more good dates (or bad dates with good stories) than truly awful dates. And nothing too horrible has happened to me which is a risk every time I meet someone even though I meet them somewhere public and a friend always knows where I am and when I am home safe.
Whenever I complain, many of my friends in relationships say that being in a relationship isn’t necessarily easier than dating. I’m aware this is true and relationships take work, but it’s a different type of work than dating. Some of them miss being single and having freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want. But I know that even though some of them miss their single time, they love their significant other and are glad to have the love and companionship from them.
The grass is always greener no matter what the situation is. I want to be in a relationship and some of my relationship friends want to be single (or at least single for a day so they can do whatever they want). But the grass is also greener for me when I compare myself to my old self.
Prior to about a year and a half ago, I rarely dated. When I did date, I really didn’t care too much about it. I did have some nerves about things, but they were more muted than they are now. I never imagined a future with any of the guys I went out with and I never really cared if I never saw them again after the first date. You’d like having fewer dates would have made me care more about each one, but that wasn’t the case for me.
I am not totally sure why things were the way they were before, but I am curious if it has to do with being on hormonal birth control before. I know that any hormonal birth control can change your mood and how you feel certain emotions. So maybe for me it was muting my feelings about wanting a relationship and companionship. This is just a theory, but it seems to make sense with the timing of things. Either way, before about April of last year I didn’t really care about dating and now I do.
And even though I’m having fun (despite some of the suckyparts of dating I’ve experienced) and it’s nice to feel wanted and enjoy that feeling, I miss not caring. I miss when dating wasn’t something I thought about all the time and didn’t care about. I miss not wondering if a guy who I like likes me back or if he’s going to text me back. I’m trying to not stress about the little things, but I do. I miss feeling neutral about things and not getting my hopes up or feeling heartbroken.
I think even with the annoyance of caring about things, I do still prefer now over how things were before. I do want to get married and have kids and I have to date to do that. I am learning about myself through dating a bit and I’ve become much more confident and self-assured. And I have learned that I don’t have to be as tolerant of people treating me badly like I did before. I can stand up for myself and I’m not scared about being called a bitch for doing so. I guess in some way, learning to care about dating has made me not care about what some people think about me.
While my dating adventures have made for some interesting blog posts, I do hope that these are not going to happen for forever. I am trying to stay optimistic that there is someone out there for me and that we will connect somehow. Chances will be we meet on an app since that’s the only place I’m really meeting guys, but you never know. And I know that even when I meet someone who is right for me that I will still stress out about things. But hopefully that stress will be easier to deal with when it’s about one person and not that I’m stressing about who I’ve met, will be meeting, or wondering if I should be meeting.
Posted onJuly 11, 2018|Comments Off on Celebrating My Mom (or She Hit A Big Milestone)
It’s been a long time since I’ve written about my mom’s cancer on here. And that’s for a good reason. My mom had surgery, chemo, and radiation and she was declared cancer-free after her treatments. She still has sporadic appointments to get checked out and for other things, but she hasn’t needed any further treatments beyond her original treatment plan!
When my mom was originally diagnosed, there was a lot of information coming at us to understand what all of this meant. Even though my entire family is in medicine, cancer was a new things for us all and there was so much that we didn’t know. And there was plenty that my parents knew that they didn’t necessarily tell me. We never discussed survival rates because we also knew that it really didn’t mean much. I’ve had medical situations that were 1 in a million so even if the survival rate was 1% my mom could be the 1% that survives (I think it’s really closer to 75% but I’m not too sure).
The one thing that we did know was that getting to the 5 year mark was important and a good sign. We didn’t realize that the anniversary date is from the date of diagnosis before my mom got treatment. I guess I always figured 5 years cancer free means 5 years from when doctors declare you cancer-free. But it’s really a 5 year survival marker which is 5 years of surviving past diagnosis. It makes sense thinking about it now, but I remember at first that it was a weird idea.
Well, today marks 5 years for my mom! It seems like forever ago that my mom was diagnosed and that I felt so overwhelmed by the news. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I found out from my mom. It was a day that for several hours I wondered if I imagined hearing the news. And I had an event to go out to that night that I really couldn’t skip out on and I felt so weird trying to put on a happy face. I remember sitting at home with a friend the day my mom had surgery (she didn’t want me to come up because there would be delays in the surgery schedule) and waiting on the news that she was out of surgery and it went well. I was so surprised when it was my mom who Facetimed me and my friend and I both told her how amazing she looks after surgery. Her hair looked better coming out of surgery than my did that day!
I remember seeing my mom’s scar for the first time and the first time I saw her without her hair and her wig. I rarely saw her without her wig, but she did show it off to me once. And I remember celebrating every milestone that she hit like when she was done with chemo and when she was done with radiation. And now I get to celebrate her again!
The 5 year mark is a big one but it’s not a guarantee. My mom will always be at risk for the cancer coming back, but it’s much less likely now that she made it 5 years. It’s a milestone that I know we have all been looking toward for so long. Even though in a way it doesn’t matter because she has been fine since her treatments, I’ve been waiting for the 5 year mark so that I could breathe a little easier. Somehow now, it seems more likely that we won’t have to worry about this any more. I know things can change, but this feels like we don’t have to think about it as much.
I have had several friends in the past 5 years get a cancer diagnosis and I know they are all looking toward the 5 year mark. And while all of my friends have been amazing how they’ve handled things and almost all of them have completed their treatments, my mom is still the most incredible person I know who has gone through treatments. The way she handled herself and was able to support our family as well when we were all having tough moments is so inspiring. I know that even with me dealing with my non-cancerous tumors, I wasn’t as amazing as she was and I wasn’t dealing with anything nearly as serious.
I guess the next milestone would be 10 years cancer-free, but that’s never been something I’ve really thought about as far as my mom not having to worry about cancer anymore. Getting to 5 years has been something we’ve all talked about for so long and it’s such a relief that my mom has made it. While I haven’t thought about her cancer for a while, it has been in the back of my head. Now, I can just relax and keep feeling reassured that she is fine and that cancer is in her past.
Sometimes when I set a goal by writing it on here, it really gives me the extra push to try to do it. I hate when I set out to do something and say it publicly and it doesn’t happen. And last week I said on here that I wanted to at least try to get back onto the treadmill. It had been 7 weeks since I was on the treadmill and I was a bit scared to take the step to get back on again. But I said I was going to do it and I’m so glad that I can say that I did it!
Monday’s workout was a strength based class. When I saw that I figured that since it would be incline work on the treadmill that I would just use the bike. But I realized that I needed to just jump in and try. Worst case, I could go to the bike partway through the workout, but I should at least start on the treadmill.
We were on the treadmill for the first half of class and there were 4 blocks during that time. All of the blocks were about progressive push paces, but 2 of them were about increasing speed and 2 of them were about increasing inclines. I decided to just do the same thing for all 4 blocks to keep it simple for myself. I started at 4% incline (my usual base incline) and every minute I went up 1% so I ended at 8% for the 30 second all out (which is the incline I’m usually at for all outs). I started slow on the treadmill and went up to my normal speed, but during that first block it was feeling a bit too fast so I went down .1mph. I was able to maintain that for those first 3 blocks and for the last one I went back to my normal speed to push myself. It wasn’t easy and I had to take breaks to catch my breath, but I did it! My distance wasn’t anything amazing, but considering it had been 7 weeks since I was on the treadmill I didn’t care what I did as long as I did it!
When I got to the floor, we had 2 blocks. The first block was lateral lunges with weights, overhead triceps with weights, weighted crunches, and a 200 meter row. I was using 30lb weights for my lunges and triceps (heavier than I normally would do!) and a 12lb weight for my crunches. And the second block was deadlifts and chest presses with weights with another 200 meter row. And I stuck with the 30lb weights for the work which made me so happy! The chest presses were a bit tough, but I knew I could do it since I did during the Orange X workout. My 200 meter row did get a bit faster from the first block to the second block. I was still off of what I know I could do, but since I had used the treadmill plus used heavier weights I wasn’t expecting my row to be anything spectacular.
I didn’t have to work on Wednesday because of the holiday, but when I was scheduling my workouts for the month I wasn’t thinking about that so I was in my usual early morning class. I would have loved to have slept in a bit that morning, but it was probably for the best for me to keep my usual schedule. And this class was a special 4th of July themed workout where we had the freedom to choose what we wanted to do on the rower and on the treadmill and it was a 3 group workout.
On the treadmill, we had the option to either do intervals with increasing incline or with increasing distances. Since I was still getting back into being on the treadmill I went with increasing distances. I was doing all of my intervals at my base pace incline and at .1mph slower than my normal speed. It started at .05 miles for the power walkers, then .08, and then .1 miles. We were supposed to keep increasing the distances but I was struggling a bit with my endurance so I just kept doing intervals at .1 miles each time with the walking recovery between. I could feel myself getting more comfortable on the treadmill as the time went on, but I know I still have a way to go.
On the rower, we started with a 100 meter row and then 7 frogger squats. Then we could choose if we wanted to increase the rowing distance by 50 meters each time or if we wanted to add 2 frogger squats each time. I went with the longer rowing just because I wanted the cardio time. My rowing at the beginning was pretty standard for me with how high the wattage was and the time it took me to get to the distance. As it went on, I was getting a bit slower but I was never that much slower than normal. I ended up rowing about 1800 meters by the end of the block before I moved to the floor.
The floor didn’t have choices, but we did have one block of timed exercises and one block where we had an assigned number of reps. For the timed exercises, we had lunges using the bench, jump lunges, and heel touch crunches. I wasn’t feeling too stable so I wasn’t using the bench for my lunges and I can’t do jump lunges. So I did them as weighted lunges and regular lunges. My legs were feeling dead after all the lunges! The second block was pull ups on the straps, rollouts on the straps, and then sit-ups until the class ended. It was a hard class, but a good type of hard. Plus, I wanted to work hard before I was lazy at a BBQ that afternoon.
Friday’s class was a strength based workout and I was a bit worried about using the treadmill since we were going to be doing cardio for the first half of class without switching. But I realized that I just needed to do it and use modifications because I am done with making excuses for myself.
We had 3 blocks that had the same format. We had a long base at an incline, a 1 minute base at a flat incline, a 1 minute base at an incline, a 1 minute base on flat incline, and then a 1 minute push to 30 second all out pace at a flat incline. Each block had a different time for the first push and the inclines were supposed to increase as the time went down. But I really kept things basic for me and used my regular push incline of 6% for all the incline work except for the 30 second all outs that I did at 8%. And my speed was still .1mph slower than I normally do. I will start testing the speed thing a bit, but this workout didn’t really seem like the right time to do that. Just like before, I had some struggles with my endurance, but I noticed a slight improvement over the other days.
But I really loved the floor work! After the Orange X workout, I really have a better idea of how strong I am and what I can do. The first block had single arm low rows and bench pullovers. I used 35lbs (just like I did for the Orange X workout) for the rows and 30lb for the pullovers. I thought about trying the heavier weight for the pullovers, but I wasn’t able to get a strong enough grip on the weight to feel ok with having it over my face. The second block was hip hinge reverse low rows and bicep curls and I did 20lbs for both of those. And the last block was Turkish half getups and bicycles. I started using a 15lb weight for the half getups, but it was a bit too heavy so I used 12lbs after that. But for that, we were told we didn’t have to use a weight so to use anything is awesome! For all the floor blocks, we also rowed at the end if we completed all the exercises and I did make it to the rower for the first and second block.
Saturday was a rough day for me. First, I was dealing with some issues because of the insane heat we had here (more on that tomorrow). I was exhausted, feeling a bit heat sick, and just not myself. But I knew that the a/c at Orangetheory would be way better than my window unit so I looked at my workout as my a/c break.
It was an endurance day and we had 3 blocks on the treadmill with similar formats. Each block had a 90 second push pace, a base pace, a 90 second push pace, a base pace, a 1 minute push pace, and a 30 second all out pace. The difference in the blocks was how long each base pace was. At Thursday’s workout, there was a goal to increase our base paces, but for me I really am just trying to get back to my old base pace. So what I ended up doing was my old base pace for all the push and all out paces (at 6% and 8% incline) and my slower base pace as the base pace speed. It was not easy doing the 90 seconds at the normal speed, but I did make it through and it’s giving me hope that I’ll be back to my old base pace soon. I think I’ll just have to keep doing this type of plan to ease myself back into that speed.
On the floor, we also had 3 blocks. The first block was with the mini bands. We had walk outs using the bands and then squats with single leg lifts. I’m getting much better at using the mini bands and I was even able to balance better doing the single leg lifts. But my heat exhaustion was starting to catch up with me on the floor and I had to sit down and get myself together. It was a bit frustrating because I knew this had nothing to do with my endurance but an outside issue. But I just took my time because I didn’t want to feel worse.
The second block started with a 500 meter row. I would have loved to have finished in under 2 minutes, but I was at 2:08. Considering the heat issues, I was pretty happy with myself. That block also had squat bench taps where I used 2 20lb weights and sit-ups. And the last block was lunges and single leg v-ups. I was pretty happy with doing the ab work because it gave me time to lay down and try to cool down a bit.
After 7 weeks of not using the treadmill, I’m still a bit surprised that I was able to do 4 workouts with it! And it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I knew a lot of the worry was in my head, but I needed to prove it to myself. It’s still going to be a while before I’m back to where I was before. I’m hoping in the next month or two to try testing running again by doing the 30 second all out paces as a run (just like how I started). But for now, I’m just happy that I’m almost back to my old power walking self and I’m on the path to make more progress again!
As you might have been able to tell from my post on the 4th of July, I was having some mixed feelings about celebrating. A lot of people I knew felt the same way and I think many people had the same conflicting feeling about what they should do and what would feel almost disrespectful. Even though I had that feeling, my friends were hosting their 4th of July BBQ on the 4th (instead of doing it the weekend before) and I knew I’d be going there for sure.
I arrived right after the party started and there were a few people there. We were all sitting in the shade since it was hot and we all were having the same feelings. In a way, it helped to be around people who were feeling the same since I didn’t have to feel like a total downer for not being in a celebratory mood. While we did try to not talk politics too much, it did come up and we were trying to keep the conversation more toward actions steps we can take and not just complaining about the situation.
Once more people showed up, the party started to be more social and more like all the other parties they throw. There was a ton of food (I made Drunk Fruit again) and the BBQ was going with hot dogs, veggie dogs, and corn on the cob. It was a good classic summer BBQ and that’s exactly what I needed to have in my life, even if I was hesitant about being in a celebratory mood.
And of course, I had to get my friends together for our traditional photo. 4 years ago we took a photo while running through the sprinklers. Even though the sprinklers haven’t been on since that party, we have recreated that photo every year. We did 2 runs through the lawn just being silly and ridiculous, and we got some really great photos like this one.
But I went with a different photo that fit a bit better into the collage I was making to celebrate 5 years of taking this photo.
It’s a silly thing that we do, but I think all 4 of us agree that this photo is something that makes us happy. After I make the collage I show the others and I can tell that seeing all the photos together over the years makes them smile as much as I do. We’ve all agreed that this tradition can’t end anytime soon and we want to make it at least to 10 years of photos. We are halfway there already!
I spent most of the party trying to move around and talk to as many of my friends there as possible. Since I don’t see many of them outside of these parties, I want to take advantage of the time I do have with them. And I think that’s how everyone else feels too. The time at the parties always feels special and a bit precious because it’s a time we are all together and can just relax around each other. For me, celebrating the holidays I celebrate at these parties is all about the people I get to be around. It’s the most important thing to me and I’m glad I have so many amazing people to be with on these days.
The entire day people had been setting off fireworks, but you can’t see anything until it gets dark (I don’t understand why people are setting them off at 11am). Once the sun went down, we started noticing the various fireworks shows that were happening all around us. You could look almost any direction and see fireworks in the sky. Several people went up on the roof, but I stuck with being on the ground this year.
One day I’ll learn how to take better pictures of fireworks, but until then I am grateful to friends who can take awesome photos and are willing to let me use them on here.
I ended up staying at the party later than I was planning on doing. When I was trying to say goodbye to people, I just kept getting into more intense conversations and it took me about 45 minutes from the time I said I was going to leave until I was walking out to my car. But that’s ok. I was still out of there at a decent time before too many people were leaving parties and being on the road. And I was home a bit later than I would have liked, but I still got enough sleep before having to get up for work the next morning.
The next party with my friends should be toward the end of the summer and I know that there is a chance I won’t get to see many of these friends until then. As much as we all want to see each other more often, between living far apart (by LA standards since in rush hour some of these friends live 2.5 hours from me) and all having busy lives, we know that it’s not necessarily going to happen. But that’s what makes these parties so important and special to me. This is a time that we set aside in our crazy schedules to come together and have fun. This isn’t something that everyone gets to experience and I’m so lucky that I have a group like these friends who appreciate it as much as I do.
I’ve been pretty reflective and internal with a lot of my monthly challenges lately. Clearly I feel like I need to work on my inside right now and I’m glad I’m allowing myself to do that. It does mean that my monthly challenges don’t have the most measurable results, but I can feel that they are making a difference in my life and that’s what’s important to me.
Last month I set my challenge to spend the month refocusing and reconnecting to myself. I had some big goals in mind for what I wanted to do while working on that and I knew that some of them are things I really wanted to do. But to be honest, while I did work on reconnecting to myself I didn’t get a lot of things done that I should have.
I did spend a decent amount of time giving myself permission to be lazy or anti-social. I spent some nights at home reading or watching TV instead of making plans. And I loved having those nights at home. I did a lot of reading which is something that I hadn’t been doing enough lately. I went through the library system online and found several e-books that I wanted to read so I built up my wish list and hold list online. I’m slowly getting those books and I know I’ll have a lot of books coming up that I have been wanting to read.
I wanted to work on cooking more and doing a clothing inventory. Neither of those really happened. The clothing inventory did a bit with doing a mental inventory and stopping myself when I thought I should buy something. I have started orders online for clothes so many times in the past month that I just abandoned because I realized I didn’t need them. I still need to go through things and see what I have and what I can get rid of, but it’s a work in progress. And the cooking thing just didn’t happen. I think part of it was due to me allowing myself to be lazy, but I also had been dealing with health things that just stopped my motivation for cooking. A lot of times this past month I was just eating really basic and plain things that didn’t need much effort. But I am hoping the cooking thing will kick back in for me again soon.
When I was trying to think of my challenge for this month, I had a few things in mind. But it was something I bought online that ended up inspiring me. While I was nauseous I was trying to figure out anything that could help me. I ended up ordering a few things that people said had helped them in the past, and one of those things was an acupressure mat.
Several people suggested acupuncture to me, but I’m a little unsure about it. I don’t love needles (even though that is getting better) and it’s not covered by my insurance. It might be something I try eventually, but not right now. But when I was looking at acupuncture to help nausea I came across using an acupressure mat to help. This particular mat was about $20 on Amazon and has almost 8,000 pressure points between the mat and the pillow. I got it right after my nausea ended, but I decided to experiment with it this past week.
There are a few different guides online on how to use it and what you can do for different types of pain. The most basic one was laying on your back with the pillow under your neck for back pain and to help you relax. So I decided to try that first and I set the mat and pillow on my bed since there was more room on there and it would be easier to get up if I needed to.
A lot of people lay on these mats without clothing on, but most of the guides recommended easing into that. I wore a tank top so there was some exposed skin, but it was minimal. It took a few tries of laying down before I felt like it was the right position, but once I found the right spot I just spent time reading while laying on it. It was a bit pokey from time to time, but nothing unbearable or that painful.
I was on it for about 10 minutes before I felt like I needed to get up. I don’t love laying flat on my back, so that will take some getting used to as well. And after I got up I didn’t feel much at first. But within minutes my back was starting to feel really warm and it felt like the muscle tension and stress in my back was melting off of me. I wish I could describe the feeling better, but it was almost like there was something sliding off my back and it was taking the tension with it.
While I knew this was what the mat was supposed to do, I was still pretty surprised by how quickly it worked and how simple it was. I’ve only had the mat since the end of last week, but I’ve spent time on it every evening before going to bed. And that is my challenge for this month. I want to work on building up my tolerance with the mat when it comes to how long I can lay on it as well as working toward not needing a tank top when using it. I can already feel the benefits I’ve had in the few days I’ve used it, so I can’t wait to see how good I feel after a month.
I also want to work on experimenting with other positions. I have used the pillow on my feet (I was on my back on my couch with my feet on top of the pillow). That didn’t feel as amazing as my back did, but it still felt good. And there are positions to help leg pain, hip issues, and plenty of other things. I need to work on seeing what works for me because I have a feeling this mat will be something I use regularly to help my body feel better.
While this is a more objective challenge that will be easy to confirm whether or not I did it, it still feels a bit internal and reflective to me. This is about making my body feel better and that’s something that only I can tell. Maybe if my body is feeling better I will have more energy to put toward things I want. I’m just excited to see what happens and what other things I may discover about myself after doing this.