Earlier this week, I had my check-in with my therapist. As it’s been for a while, it was another video appointment. Even before the pandemic, a lot of my appointments were phone or video ones. And I’m ok with that because these appointments are more about checking in with medication things and not doing deeper therapy sessions as I did in the past.
I had to fill out a questionnaire before my video appointment, and it was the same one that I’ve done before. But the questions are as easy to answer as they used to be. For example, there is a section where you list if you never, sometimes, often, or always feel certain emotions. Some of the emotions are easy for me to answer. There are a few questions about if I feel like I want to harm myself or others, and that’s an easy one to say never. But then, there was a section about feeling lonely and isolated.
Of course I feel lonely and isolated! I am lonely and isolated! My last hug was 3 months ago. I don’t see my friends. I rarely speak to another person that isn’t over the phone or computer (I appreciate small talk with cashiers when I’ve gone to the grocery store so much now). Even though I could easily list that I always feel that way, I didn’t know if that was going to trigger anything before my appointment. So I listed it as often instead.
And when my appointment started, I immediately explained things to my therapist. I said that I know it appears that I’m doing worse than normal, but it’s just because the questionnaire hasn’t been adjusted for pandemic life. She and I had a bit of a laugh over it because she understood what I meant.
I saw this post on social media a few hours after my appointment, but I wish I had seen it before because it was perfect. It said something like “I’m pandemic ok which is normal awful”. And I think that’s exactly how I feel. If this was before and I felt like this, I’d be more concerned. But now, I think it’s ok that I’m having these struggles. I’d be more concerned if I didn’t have any struggles. If I felt normal in these abnormal times, I know I’d need help. But my struggles are what most people are feeling right now so it’s normal.
After going over my questionnaire, we talked about my medication. I had a bit of an unexpected break from taking Vyvanse when I was dealing with vertigo. When I was having difficulty getting out of bed, taking medication was the last thing on my mind. But it was ok to take a break and I’m back on it normally now. We discussed maybe changing up my medication because it could be good for me. But just like in my last appointment, both my therapist and I agree that making any changes now wouldn’t be the smartest thing unless I needed to. Because of these unusual times, it would be hard to know if my mental state is being affected by medication or the pandemic. But I liked the plan my therapist had for me with adding in a different medication and I think that I will try it when life is a bit more normal again.
That was pretty much all we discussed in my appointment. We did talk about wanting to feel safe again and hoping that everyone will be vaccinated soon. My fears about being out in public are valid and I’ll likely feel that way until I have been vaccinated. I think most people who have gotten both shots have said they have felt like a weight was lifted from their shoulders. While they are still nervous and cautious, it doesn’t feel as overwhelming. And I look forward to that feeling.
My next appointment will be in 6 months. When we were scheduling it, the first date my therapist suggested was actually my birthday. I told her that and she agreed that another day might be a better option (I’m trying to believe that my birthday this year will be spent with friends and it will be safe to do that). So I have another video appointment about a week after my birthday. And maybe by then, I will be able to say that I’m doing ok and not just pandemic ok.
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