Monthly Archives: April 2020

Working On Self-Care (or Continuing To Try To Fill My Day)

Posted on April 30, 2020 | Comments Off on Working On Self-Care (or Continuing To Try To Fill My Day)

My days aren’t filled with too much right now. I have very little work. I do my workouts, but those only take about an hour (and I don’t spend extra time driving there and back or talking with friends). I do virtual movie hangouts with friends, but I don’t do those every day. There is only so much tv I can watch (although I am watching a ton of tv). And even reading can’t fill all of my day every day.

I remember not that long ago wishing I had a day where I didn’t have anything to do. Now, I would do anything to be overscheduled again. I’m not used to being bored the way that I am right now. And I know that boredom could potentially lead to some destructive behavior. So I’m trying to find ways to fill my time with things that are good for me.

I’ll be writing about some of the things I’ve been doing around my house next week because that is still a work-in-progress and I’m hoping to have a lot of it done before I share. House projects have been a majority of the good stuff I’ve been doing. But I’ve also been taking time to do good things for myself as well.

I have been a big advocate for self-care for a while. And I do have some regular self-care routines that I have been doing for years. But there are several things that I haven’t done for one reason or another. Often, I don’t have the time to do something. But now, I have nothing but time.

One of the more basic things I’ve been doing for my self-care is what I’ve been doing for my hair. Or I guess it’s more about what I haven’t been doing. Unless I need to look good for some reason (like a self-tape audition), I am not using any heat tools on my hair. I usually don’t let my hair air dry because it is a weird curly texture that isn’t very uniform. And my hair sometimes takes a long time to dry and if I shower before I work I don’t want to work with wet hair. But now, I usually have nothing I have to do after I wash my hair, so I can sit around with wet hair with no issues. This is letting my hair take a bit of a break from the damage that heat tools can cause. I don’t know if my hair will look any better after not doing it, but I know that it’s not adding any damage.

I also have been taking this time to learn how to do my makeup better. I’ve never been great at makeup, but now I can practice without the fear of someone seeing it. So far, it’s mainly been learning how to do eyeliner (which is something I never could do) and it’s been going ok. I will be practicing looks and trying to perfect things so that when things start coming back that I will have a great look that I know I can do!

But the self-care thing I’ve been most excited about was something I did for my feet. My feet aren’t that great. I wish I could get pedicures more often so that they would look better. And now, I have no clue when pedicures will be an option again. I had heard about the Baby Foot foot peel before, but everyone said that you need to do it when you know that nobody will be seeing your feet for about 2 weeks. I never knew when I could do it before, but now is the perfect time to do it!

I asked friends who have used it for any advice that they had. The main thing they said was to soak your feet before using it and doing daily foot soaks starting the day after using it. Your feet start to peel after a few days, and it doesn’t really hurt.

The day I used the peel, I got everything set up in my room before starting. I knew that once I used it, I was going to be stuck for about an hour. My hips were getting a bit uncomfortable, but nothing was causing pain in my feet. And for the few days after doing it, I soaked my feet in a basin for at least 15 minutes.

I was worried that it wasn’t working on me because I didn’t see anything happening. But yesterday, that all changed. I won’t share photos because my feet look like a zombie or a snake shedding its skin (if you really want to see examples, there are plenty online). But it’s definitely working! And I’m really glad that I did this when I’m not going to be out in public. The peeling should be done in a week or so, and I can’t wait to see how good my feet look by then!

With so much time to kill every day, adding new self-care practices will probably continue to be something I do. I can use this time to be a bit selfish if I want. And these don’t have to be things that I keep doing. They can be one-offs like the foot peel. But at least the time is being used for something good.

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Posted in Beauty, Fun Stuff

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Unemployment Time (or I Hope This Will Help Me)

Posted on April 29, 2020 | Comments Off on Unemployment Time (or I Hope This Will Help Me)

Technically, I am not unemployed right now. But I have had my hours and income significantly cut back. For my customer service job, I am working about 10% of what I normally worked for less than 10% of what I normally make. And my other job doesn’t have enough work for me to make up the difference. I know that even making $50 a week is more than a lot of people, but I doubt there is anyone who can live on that little.

Fortunately, you can file for unemployment when you are underemployed as well. And I think I fit underemployment exactly in my current situation. It is a temporary situation, but again that’s exactly what unemployment is for. And while unemployment isn’t typically for someone self-employed (as I am with both my day jobs), there have been changes made recently during this time that allows self-employed people to file.

As soon as I knew that I would be eligible for unemployment, I felt a bit of relief. While I do have family that can help me when I’m not making money, I don’t like to have to rely on them. I want to be able to support myself. It’s a point of pride. And it’s not easy to always do it, but I will take steps I need to so I can try to make it happen.

In California, they weren’t accepting self-employed people in the unemployment system at first. They had to create a new section on how to file to fit that information. So while many of my friends have been filing for the past month, I wasn’t able to file until yesterday.

It’s been a long time since I’ve filed for unemployment. While I do remember a lot of things, there have also been things that have changed and it took me a bit of time to get everything done. I’m still not 100% sure I did it all right, but I know I will have a phone interview to discuss it coming up. So hopefully I can clarify anything that might be wrong. And it took twice as long to file as it should have because on the last page the site crashed. I knew there was a chance for it to happen since I was applying the first day that self-employed people could do so. But for some reason, I didn’t think to take screenshots of everything I filled out so I had it in case I needed it again. That was my mistake and when I did it all over for the second time, I made sure I took those screenshots.

I got a message saying that my application was successfully submitted. But I have no idea how long it will take for me to get my first check or to be approved. I know that things are taking longer than normal, which is to be expected with the number of people who are currently applying. I am lucky that right now I am not in a desperate place to get my first check. I do have savings I can use and my parents have said they could help me out. I will be ok. I might have a time where I get stressed and feel horrible that I have to ask for help, but I know I will get that help. And I know that the unemployment will kick in at some point and I will get the money from when I started being underemployed. The very first time I filed (about 13 years ago), I had an issue that prevented me from getting my checks for several months. But once it was settled, I got everything that I missed. And this will be the same since I have been underemployed for several weeks already and just couldn’t file until this week.

It was a bit of a frustrating procedure to file for a few reasons, but I also feel very lucky that I had so many friends who had already gone through it that could guide me and give me advice. Unemployment is usually a pretty lonely thing to go through, but with so many of us going through it we have a community that we can turn to for help. That was something I wasn’t expecting but made everything a little easier to deal with. I wasn’t embarrassed that I was filing because it seemed like almost everyone I know was doing the same. And those who already went through it were more than happy to share what they had learned. Hopefully from their help, my unemployment process will be a bit easier than theirs were.

I have no clue when the next steps with this process will happen, but at least I got the first step done. And eventually, I will be getting the help that I could use in this unusual time.

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An Isolation Audition (or Working On My Self-Tape Game)

Posted on April 28, 2020 | Comments Off on An Isolation Audition (or Working On My Self-Tape Game)

With pretty much the entire entertainment industry shut down right now, there aren’t a lot of opportunities to work. Everyone is experiencing the same stoppage of work and we are all trying to find ways to not feel as far away from our careers. Some people are doing acting classes over Zoom, I’ve had friends who have been doing script readings and performances on different live video platforms, and some people are creating their own solo work (or work with other people they live with). I haven’t really done a lot of those things yet, but they are ideas that I have been exploring.

But right after the social isolation started, I heard of friends who were still getting auditions because we can do self-tapes. I’ve done self-tape auditions before, but they have always included someone else working with me because I need a reader and someone to run the camera. I wasn’t too worried about how to do a self-tape in isolation until I got an audition notice from my agent.

This audition notice wasn’t for a specific project or part. It was a general. A general is when a casting office auditions actors to see who they like and want to keep in consideration for the future. When casting offices work on multiple shows that may have dozens of minor characters each episode, it’s good for them to have a shortlist of actors they like so they can get them scheduled for an audition right away. Generals aren’t as common as they used to be, so to get one was really awesome! And I’m hoping that maybe this time will lead to more.

I have a pretty decent self-tape setup at my house, but it’s not perfect. Fortunately, perfection was not required for this one. I have my tripod for my iPad (since that is the better camera), but I didn’t know how I was going to have a reader or someone to make sure I looked ok in the video frame. But I had recently gotten a ring light to use since I was doing a lot more video chats and wanted to not be backlit. The ring light had a tripod and a holder for a phone, so I realized I could have a friend on Facetime on my phone, put that on the ring light tripod, put that tripod behind my iPad on the other tripod, and then they could read the other lines and check how I looked on camera.

It was a really weird setup and I regret not taking a photo of it, but it did the job. My friend Andie was the one who was on Facetime as my reader and she did a great job making sure that I was word perfect with the script and that I looked ok on camera. I did struggle a bit with acting against a phone screen instead of a person (and I had to put a post-it on my phone to cover up where I was on the screen), but after a few takes I got used to it and it was fine.

Once that was done, I immediately sat down to edit it. The editing was pretty simple since there were just 2 parts that I had to combine. I just had to find the best take of each part and put them into one clip. I’m glad it was an easy editing job because it’s been a while since I’ve edited using iMovie.

And as soon as the editing was done, I uploaded it to the casting site to send it off to the casting director. I didn’t want to procrastinate on that because I might start thinking I didn’t do a good job with my audition and want to do it again. I try not to have those regrets after an audition and you really don’t get do-overs when you go to an audition in person. So I try not to let myself get into that headspace for a self-tape.

I actually would love to have another self-tape audition during isolation so I could feel even more confident in my self-tape skills. But I also hope that things can open up again soon so we can get back to a more normal life. So if this is the only isolation audition that I have, I’m so grateful that I had it. It really made me happy and allowed me to focus on my career for a day instead of everything going on in the world.

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Continuing My Home Workouts (or I Really Am Grateful For Orangetheory)

Posted on April 27, 2020 | Comments Off on Continuing My Home Workouts (or I Really Am Grateful For Orangetheory)

I’ve gotten used to my routine of working out at home. I’m still not loving it, but I’m glad that the transition from working out in the studio to working out at home was as easy as it was. As soon as the studios are open again (and it’s safe to go), I will be there immediately. There is something about working out in person that I cannot replicate working out at home. But I don’t think that will be happening for at least another month, if not longer, so I just have to stick it out with the home workouts.

There have been some people who haven’t been enjoying the home workouts as much as I have. And I do understand some of the frustration. It’s not easy to find the motivation to do the workouts at home. We are limited in what we get in our workouts because they are trying to make it work for everyone, no matter what equipment you might have. And it isn’t just the same.

But at the same time, I am so appreciative of what Orangetheory has done. I doubt any fitness studio had a plan in place for a situation like we are in now. Nobody expected a worldwide pandemic that would shut down all the studios for an indefinite length of time. I wonder if they will have a plan for that now that it’s happened. But compared to so many other workout studios, Orangetheory has been on top of their game. My studios were some of the first ones to shut down for the entire country. Within a few days of my studios closing, the Orangetheory at Home workouts started to be posted every day on YouTube. And they are unique workouts for every day. Yes, there are things that repeat from time to time, but it’s always a different combination.

And not only are they posting home workouts for us, but they are also using household items in the workouts in case someone doesn’t have weights. I’ve been lucky with being able to get some weights, but there are still things I don’t have. But the examples I get when watching the workouts have helped me to figure out what I can use in my house (I’m still trying to find a good substitution for the bench when I do plank work and am open to suggestions).

Since they have been doing the home workouts online for over a month, they have also modified them based on feedback from members. When they first put them up, there wasn’t any music during the workout blocks. That was quickly fixed. Then they added a clock for each block so you knew how much time was left. And just this past week, they added an audio clue to switch exercises if they were times (for example, doing 1 minute of squats). All of these things have been added to make our workouts better and I seriously appreciate it.

Considering how quickly they had to pull this together and how little time they had to get ready, it’s incredible what they have been able to do. And adding the workouts a few times a week where they have featured coaches from around the world has made it even better. They add variety to the workouts and it’s always fun to see if there is a coach I recognize in that segment.

So even though I would do Hell Week a million times over if that meant I could get back into the studio, I still am so grateful and glad I have the home workouts to do right now. They are helping me keep a routine, feel sane, and just not feel as lost as I do sometimes. And it is special to think that everyone around the world who does Orangetheory is doing the same home workout as I am. And we all are staying home so that we can get back into the studios as soon as possible.

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Hitting Some Writer’s Block (or This Is What I Thought Would Happen)

Posted on April 24, 2020 | Comments Off on Hitting Some Writer’s Block (or This Is What I Thought Would Happen)

When the pandemic started, one of the first blog posts I wrote was about how I wasn’t sure how I would be able to keep up my blog. So much of what I write about is because I’m out doing things. But now, I’m just home. For the next week or so, I’m not even going outside for walks since I’m doing another strict voluntary quarantine after seeing my family. My biggest adventure outside is to take my trash to the curb or to walk across my driveway to do laundry. I’m glad I don’t care too much about my step count right now because they are pathetically low.

I have a little bit of a routine at least still going on. I’m only working 3 days a week for an hour, but that’s something regular. I have my workouts, even if I’m a bit flexible on what time I’m doing them. I’m still doing them in the morning, but sometimes it’s around 8 am and sometimes it’s around 10 am. But it’s a planned thing. And I have a few different groups that I do Netflix Parties with or watching other videos online together. They are usually held at the same time each week, and it’s so nice to have something like that to look forward to each week.

And I have this blog. I am still keeping up with my writing schedule. Sometimes, in the past, I would write a few blog posts at once. I would get all the posts for the week written before the week started. That usually can only happen when I know exactly what posts are going to be going out that week. There are times that my editorial calendar has been planned out for 2 weeks in advance. Those times were awesome, but that’s not at all what I have now. I do have my Monday posts planned since those are still my workout recaps. But there really isn’t much else figured out.

When I wrote that I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to keep up this blog, I was coming up with ideas on how to make a new schedule. But now that we are over a month into this, I don’t think I want to do that. I want to keep my normal blogging schedule going. I need any sense of normalcy that I can get and writing on here is one of those things. But some of the posts might end up being really short or really boring. I might not have much to write about. But I need to do it. Even if nobody reads the posts, I need it for me.

At least this writer’s block gave me something to write about today.

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A Night Of Very Little Sleep (or At Least I Could Laugh A Bit About This)

Posted on April 23, 2020 | Comments Off on A Night Of Very Little Sleep (or At Least I Could Laugh A Bit About This)

With my extremely reduced work schedule, I don’t really have to get up early anymore. I could work the 1 hour I work each of the 3 days at any time. And the days I don’t work, I don’t usually have much more than my workout and I could do that whenever. But I am really trying hard to be as close to my regular sleep schedule as possible. This time is temporary and I don’t want to struggle when I’m trying to get things back to normal. I am not perfect, but for the most part, I’m going to sleep close to the time that I normally do. And I’m trying hard not to sleep in at all since that can mess with my sleep schedule as well.

This does sometimes mean I’m not getting as much sleep as I could get, but being tired for a day is probably the better option than completely changing my sleep schedule and then having to spend time to get back on track. Especially since I have no clue how much notice we will have about things starting back up again. But I’m used to occasionally getting very little sleep. When I’m nauseous or having a bad hip night, I usually don’t sleep much. And when I do sleep, they are little naps with lots of awake time in between. I hate when those nights happen, but I usually know before going to bed that they will be that way.

But last week, I had an unexpected bad night of sleep. I was pretty proud of myself because I got to bed pretty early. I was looking forward to a nice long night of sleep and had been asleep for a few hours when I woke up suddenly. I didn’t know why I woke up, but as I tried to go back to sleep I noticed a beeping noise every 30 seconds. I thought maybe it was something next to my house, but when I woke up a bit more I realized that it sounded like it was in my house.

I have 2 smoke detectors in my house, one in my bedroom and one in my dining room. They are actually on the same wall, back to back. So they are pretty close together. I knew it wasn’t the smoke detector in my room, so I went to the one in my dining room and got a magazine to try to fan air at it. For some reason, in my partially awake state, I assumed that my smoke detector was going off. Even though there was no reason for it to be doing that and it wasn’t making the noise that it normally makes when that happens (it will say “fire” if there is smoke and “carbon monoxide” if a leak is detected). So my next guess was that it had a low battery.

I got a step stool so I could reach it and tried to get it off the way and then I discovered that it was hard-wired into my house. I’m sure I knew this at some point, but I didn’t remember it. And getting it down wasn’t easy. I still do not know how I did this, but I managed to disconnect all the wires from the back of the smoke detector while partially asleep without electrocuting myself. And I discovered later that one of the wires wasn’t covered the way it should have (or I might have pulled some of the wire protection off). Once I got it down, I was trying to get the battery out. And I couldn’t figure out how to do it. By this time, it had been beeping every 30 seconds for over 20 minutes and I was starting to go a bit crazy.

I calmed down and found the model number of it on the back so I could look it up and find the owner’s manual. I found it, but it only said to lift the battery cover up to remove the battery. No guidance on how to get it done. I knew where the battery was, so I was determined to get it out. It took several tools, lots of swearing, and probably doing a lot of damage to the smoke detector; but I eventually did it.

If you’ve ever watched “Friends” you might remember the episode where Phoebe breaks a smoke detector that won’t stop. I felt just like that. Except I didn’t take my mallet to it (I was very close).

When I was trying to figure out how to get the battery out, I looked up what the beeping meant and it was a signal that the smoke detector failed. And it typically fails between 7-10 years for safety. And my smoke detector was installed just under 10 years ago, so that seemed right.

I went back to bed (finally) and had a bit of a laugh about how crazy I was acting trying to get the beeping to stop. And the next morning, I had to call my landlord to let them know I needed a new one. I try to be a good tenant and not bother my landlord too much, but I had just called them 6 days earlier because my kitchen flooded (my garbage disposal cracked and all the water was going through it to the floor). But I knew this was a safety issue and I had to tell them.

And as soon as I told the manager in the office that I had another issue, she immediately asked me if my smoke detector failed. I was shocked that she guessed it, and she told me that dozens of tenants have been calling all week saying the same thing. It turns out, they installed all of the smoke detectors in all their different buildings and rental places around the same time, so they all started to fail at the same time too!

I’m not sure if it was the lack of sleep or how crazy it was that everyone had the same problem that I had, but I had a huge fit of giggles after that. The handyman was able to come to my house that day (wearing an N95 mask and wearing gloves) and replace my smoke detector, so everything is fine now. And even though I was tired that day, it was ok because I recovered after I slept the next night.

With having so little happening right now, anything that is outside of my normal routine is interesting. And this one also ended up making me laugh, even if it wasn’t funny when I couldn’t get the beeping to stop. But I did appreciate the moment of silliness to break up everything else happening.

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Meeting Rory (or This Made Isolation Worth It)

Posted on April 22, 2020 | Comments Off on Meeting Rory (or This Made Isolation Worth It)

Before I get into this post too much, I want to explain something because I know some people might question why I did this. I understand that we are currently experiencing a global pandemic and that it is important to stay home unless absolutely necessary. And for the past 4 weeks, I have not left my house (not even for essential errands) except one time. Most people are still going out once a week or so. I have not. So the chances of me having COVID-19 is extremely low. I also did this under the guidance of my brother (who is an ER doctor), my dad (who is a retired OB/GYN), and my mom (who is a retired pediatric nurse). I did everything they said would be necessary plus some. And now, I am in 2 weeks (minimum) of strict quarantine of not leaving my house for any reason. I am not going to see anyone that I could pass this onto if I happened to be exposed by my family (who also have not been leaving their homes for any reason). Please understand that I did things beyond what the current guidance to stay safe and healthy and that I do not recommend people just go visit family unless you have been in quarantine before seeing them.

When my nephew Rory was born, I wasn’t sure when I would get to meet him. I was sad that I wasn’t there when he was born, but I knew I would get to meet him one day soon. I wasn’t going to ask my brother or sister-in-law when I could come to meet him, because I didn’t want them to feel pressured to let anyone see him if they weren’t ready. But when they asked me if I wanted to come to meet him, I immediately said yes! Because I had been avoiding all people for so long, they felt safe that I wasn’t a carrier. There were still going to be rules to be at their house, but I didn’t care. I wanted to meet my nephew! Plus, my parents were going to be there (they also followed the same guidelines I had and would have the same restrictions) and I wanted to see them too. My parents were supposed to come to see me next month and that trip has been canceled. And they had a few things for me, like some weights for my workouts, and I wanted to pick those up.

So this past Friday, I drove up to Santa Barbara to spend a few hours with my family. I made sure I wore clothes that I hadn’t worn outside recently and I had a mask with me since that was required to be around my nephew. Fortunately, a friend of mine made me a mask so I had a cute one to wear! The drive was very easy with very few cars on the road so I was able to get there a bit earlier than I expected.

And being so lonely and isolated at home was completely worth it when I walked into their house and got to meet Rory. He is so tiny and so adorable. And I instantly fell in love with him. Which also meant I took a million photos.

He was only 2 weeks old when I was there, but he was already starting to have a little personality. He’s a very happy and content baby and only cried once or twice when I was there. He is very snuggly and likes to be crunched up in your arms. He especially likes having his feet and legs crunched up and close to his body. He’s seriously so adorable and I felt so lucky that I was able to meet him so much sooner than I expected.

Just like I wasn’t going to push for going to visit my brother and sister-in-law, I wasn’t going to push to hold Rory. I really wanted to, but I know that these times are not normal circumstances and I knew they were being careful and cautious. But they said as long as my hands were clean (I washed my hands and used hand sanitizer) and wore a mask, I could hold him. And it was one of the best moments ever!

I know you can’t see my smile under my mask, but trust me when I say I was smiling! Of course, we were all joking about how you couldn’t tell what anyone’s emotion was under the masks, but we knew they were necessary. I only wish I had one that had something to be tighter around my nose because the fabric mask made it a bit tough to see Rory if I was holding him super close to me. But I found a way to prop my arm up higher on the couch so I could stare at him while holding him. And he pretty much just slept in my arms and seemed very content.

I also loved getting to hang out with my family. I haven’t seen anyone in so long with the exception of a few moments, and I was seriously needing this type of human connection. Virtual hangouts are not as good as in-person ones and this made me feel so much better than I had been feeling earlier in the week. I felt content and like life was almost normal. I really needed this time to get myself back in alignment and feeling like I will be ok.

I would have loved to have spent a ton of time with my family, but I was only there for a few hours before I had to head home. I had things I had to get done in LA so I couldn’t stay too late. Also, my brother and sister-in-law have a cat and I’m very allergic to cats. I took allergy medication for almost a week before I was there, but after only an hour I was starting to feel symptoms of an allergy attack. When my throat started to feel funny and my voice was getting very raspy, I knew I had to leave. And when I got home, I showered immediately to get any cat dander off of me, but I still had several marks on my body where I think some fur got under my clothes. I don’t know what I’ll do for future visits, but I’ll figure something out. But even if my allergies were worse, it was still worth it. There’s no question in my mind.

I’m now doing 2 weeks of strict staying at home. No going out for groceries or supplies (thank goodness for delivery options). And if I have to do these strict quarantine rules before I go see Rory again, I’ll do it. Hopefully, there will be some new guidelines soon that we can use to help make sure we are keeping everyone safe. I’m not sure when I’ll be going back to Santa Barbara again and so many things can change from week to week. So I’m not doing any planning on what I’ll need to do for next time. But I do know that whatever I have to do, it’s completely worth it.

 

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Default ThumbnailAnother Santa Barbara Day (or A Little Bit Of Social Interaction) Default ThumbnailHaving Fun With Photos (or My Brother And Nephew Are Twins!) Default ThumbnailCountdown To Saturday (or I’m Actually Excited To Get On A Plane) Default ThumbnailI’m Officially An Aunt (or Welcome Rory!) Default ThumbnailExciting Weekend Plans (or Finally Meeting The Puppy!) Default ThumbnailWorking On Money Priorities (or What’s Worth The Splurge)

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3 Years Of Being A Medical Miracle (or Just Enjoying Being Healthy)

Posted on April 21, 2020 | Comments Off on 3 Years Of Being A Medical Miracle (or Just Enjoying Being Healthy)

I’ve said before how the date of when I became a medical miracle is a bit hard for me to determine. I’m not sure if I should consider the day I had the MRI that showed my tumors were shrinking as the day. Or maybe the day one of my doctors emailed me to say that it looked like the tumors were shrinking. Or when my liver surgeon called me to tell me for sure that my tumors were shrinking and that he recommended I cancel my surgery. So even though the date isn’t really a date that I got any information, I have considered the date that my surgery was supposed to happen as the marker for being a medical miracle. And yesterday, it marked 3 years since I was supposed to have surgery.

I don’t necessarily do anything to celebrate being a medical miracle, but I do acknowledge it and take time to remember how lucky I am. I know that if my tumors didn’t shrink, surgery was necessary. My tumors were big enough that they could be life-threatening. Not having surgery would have been a very dumb choice. But even though I knew that I needed that surgery, I wasn’t looking forward to it and I was scared about so much. I’m so glad that I didn’t have to have that surgery or deal with the recovery. I haven’t had abdominal surgery before, but I imagine the recovery would be worse than it was for my hip surgery. And there would other things during recovery that would have been tough for me.

One of the things about recovery that scared me was not being able to go to Orangetheory. I was worried that I would lose all momentum that I had been building in my workouts and that I would be so far back when I finally could work out again. Of course, right now I technically have no way to go to my workouts. I am working out at home, but it’s not the same. So it’s a bit funny that something that I was so worried about is a reality that I am dealing with right now. But I am lucky that there are OTF at Home workouts that I could do and that wouldn’t have been an option if I did have surgery.

I was worried about what the surgery might do for my mental health. I didn’t share this too much, but I was worried that having a big scar might make my body dysmorphia worse or that something about having surgery would trigger my panic/anxiety disorder or even my eating disorder. Surgery is a big unknown so there isn’t a way to know how you would react to it. I was hoping that surgery wouldn’t affect my mental health, but it was a big concern that I had about it.

And I was also worried that the surgery wouldn’t be the only one I needed. I knew that I might need another surgery in the future to get rid of one of the tumors if they couldn’t get all of them in one surgery. And I had been told that they could take my gallbladder out when doing the surgery, but I worried that something would happen where they couldn’t and I would need that surgery at another time. I’m actually very lucky when it comes to my gallbladder because it turns out that many of the issues I was having with it was related to the tumors and their size, so even though I didn’t have surgery I have had very few attacks in the past 3 years. I technically still need it out, but it’s not as necessary as it was before.

I am grateful every day that I didn’t have to have surgery. I’m grateful that I didn’t have to go through what could have been a big change in my life. I didn’t have to deal with as many unknowns (even though I do still deal with some unknowns now regarding my tumors). I was able to keep living my life as normal without a disruption. But even though I am grateful every day, I am always extra grateful when it’s my medical miracle anniversary. It’s been 3 years since I have known that my tumors are shrinking and there is still no medical explanation for it. But I feel so lucky that it happened to me.

I am supposed to have another MRI in about 6 months, and if the tumors continue to shrink, that will be my last one scheduled. I might have them every couple of years, but I won’t need annual ones any more if they are smaller. And if by some chance they grow, I will have surgery and I will be ok if that happens. But for now, I’m just focused on being grateful for what happened to me.

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Default Thumbnail3 Years Knowing About The Tumors (or I Forgot An Anniversary) Default ThumbnailAnother Story About A Tumor (or I Guess I Was Misdiagnosed For Over 15 Years) Default ThumbnailA Non-Surgery Anniversary (or Another Year Of Being A Medical Miracle) Default ThumbnailMedical Miracle Anniversary (or A Year Of My Liver Being A Badass) Default ThumbnailTaking Back A Medical Miracle (or Getting My Eyes Checked Again) Default ThumbnailA Tumor Miracle (or I Wasn’t Expecting This)

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Trying To Maintain My Strength (or Noticing I Need To Work Harder)

Posted on April 20, 2020 | Comments Off on Trying To Maintain My Strength (or Noticing I Need To Work Harder)

Despite all of my efforts with doing my Orangetheory at Home workouts, they are not as good as going to a regular class. I’ve heard some people say how now they realize they can do their workouts at home, they wonder if they will go back to the studio. I am the complete opposite. Now that I’m working out at home, I realize that this is not the same as being in the studio and I am craving being able to go back. I know that this closure is necessary for everyone, but I can’t help but miss my workouts in the studio and having my coaches push me.

I’m pushing myself as much as I can, but there are several things I can’t do or can’t do as hard at home. I’m limited to what I have in my house or what I can find online to get. I’ve written about how I have tried to build my home gym the best that I can. But I am restricted by what is available to buy, what I have room for, and what I have money for. If I didn’t have those restrictions, I probably would have an incredible home gym. But I don’t want to have things in my house that I don’t know if I’d use them once I’m back at Orangetheory. I have debated about getting a rower for my house and have started to look more seriously at them. My dad has been helping me look at them online and I think I know what I would get, but I don’t know if I want to get it right now.

And even though I have been limited in the weights I have in my house, I was thinking I was doing ok with things. I wanted to get some better weights for my house that were closer to the weights I usually use. Almost everything I was able to get was lighter than what I’m used to for many things. And I figured I would be fine with that because I do believe that doing something is better than doing nothing.

But at the end of this past week, I was able to get one set of weights that I was looking for. I’ll go into the details about how I got these from my parents in a post later this week, but my dad had an extra set of weight plates that he didn’t need. They are 10 pounds, which is on the lighter side of what I use but heavier than the water bottles I have been using as hand weights. And I was able to use them for the first time when I did my home workout on Saturday.

And holy moly I noticed a huge difference! Before, 10 pounds would have felt like nothing to me when doing the exercises I was doing. But this time, I needed breaks and my body was hurting. I couldn’t believe how much harder it was to use the 10 pounds weights when I was thinking they still might be too easy. It’s been over a month since I’ve lifted heavier weights, and I knew that I would lose some strength and muscle. I guess I just was surprised how quickly it happened and how weak I felt. I didn’t get upset by this because I was expecting at least a little. But it did make me realize that I need to have some realistic expectations for when I do get back into my workout classes.

I’ve been tracking my workouts for a while now, and when I get back I will continue to track them. But I will need to look at it as a fresh start and not as a comparison to where I was. Maybe I’ll eventually do some comparisons to see if I’m back to where I was, but I’m not going to use it as something negative. I will have setbacks with cardio, rowing, and weight lifting when I get back. It would be crazy for me to think that I wouldn’t. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t improve upon wherever I am when I do get back. I want to have the same motivation that I always have had. I want to see my workouts as a challenge and opportunity to go harder/faster/heavier.

While the setbacks could be considered negative, my reaction to them is obviously positive. If still motivated no matter what. I am still doing 4 workouts a week. I am not using this time as an excuse. Before Orangetheory, I doubt I would have found a way to work out at home if I couldn’t go to a class. I certainly wouldn’t be doing it this much or this hard. And I probably would have used not being able to find weights and equipment as a sign that I shouldn’t be trying. But I’m not letting anything stop me. I might not be as strong as I was before, but I’m going to get back there one day and I’m going to keep working to make this setback as minimal as possible.

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Default ThumbnailMy Last Workouts of Being 31 (or 174 Workouts) Default ThumbnailMy Strength In Real Life (or Helping A Friend Gave Me Some New Confidence) Default ThumbnailPushing Myself (or So Many Hills!) Default ThumbnailContinuing My Home Workouts (or I Really Am Grateful For Orangetheory) Default ThumbnailWorking Through The Workouts (Modifications Are Harder At Home) Default ThumbnailGetting Back Into The Groove (or Rediscovering My Strength)

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Sometimes You Just Need To Cry (or It’s Ok To Not Be Ok)

Posted on April 17, 2020 | Comments Off on Sometimes You Just Need To Cry (or It’s Ok To Not Be Ok)

With everything going on in the world right now, I am proud of myself of how I have been handling things. I know that I could be doing much better, but I also know that I could be doing much worse. Since this is a new and unique situation, there is no way we can expect to be doing. Some people react to this type of stress in better ways than others. And I think that I have done lots of positive things with my stress. But I can’t be doing great all the time and I have had some really big breakdowns in the past few weeks.

I think that holding it together might be causing these breakdowns to be a bit worse than they should because I’m trying to not be upset all the time. I can usually get over some negative feelings easy and it doesn’t affect me too much. But I think that’s because those negative feelings or bad days aren’t too often. Now, I think that I have moments of negativity every day. It’s not all day every day, but every day I do have a moment that could make me spiral. And it builds up over days or weeks and leads to a breakdown.

I do think these breakdowns can be good because I need to get those feelings (and tears) out. And there are some real worries and frustrations behind those breakdowns. The first time I had one was because I was frustrated that so many of my friends couldn’t relate to how lonely I was feeling. Most of them have a significant other, kid, pet, or roommate with them. So even if they were limited who they could see, they had someone else. I don’t have anyone here and it’s very difficult to not have any in-person human interaction. I feel like I’m alone on my own planet and nobody else is here with me. I know that’s not the case and everyone else is going through this too, but it’s hard when there is nobody else here and the loneliness is much harder than I ever imagined it to be.

And the other breakdown was after I did my errands the other day. I didn’t do all the errands I would have liked to have done, but I limited myself to things that I had to do and couldn’t wait on. Even though I wasn’t doing all my errands, it was the most I had done outside my house in a month and I was so excited to do anything that wasn’t in my house. But then after I got home, I got a bit upset over how I was overjoyed to get to do the most basic things in life and how it was sad that that’s all I had to really look forward to right now. I have no clue when I can do other things that make me happy, but I know essential errands will be something I can do again in the near future. My friend tried to help me reframe my thinking and look at it as a chance to really appreciate all the simple things in life. But I kept going toward thinking how sad it was that all I had to enjoy was going to pick up medication. I’m so grateful that I was on the phone with a friend while having that breakdown because she was so patient with me and trying to help me focus my thoughts on better things. And when I got off the phone I really felt so much better.

I’m sure I’ll have more breakdowns and down moments in the future about this. Isolation and quarantine are weird situations. A friend of mine explained it so well. They said that this is so disorienting because we are experiencing a normal life and not normal life at the same time. I am still in my house. I still have a lot of my usual routine and day to day stuff. But at the same time, everything is different. It’s hard to experience both at the same time and there is no way that we could have prepared for this. All we can do is do our best. And sometimes, our best is allowing ourselves to fall apart a bit because this is scary and overwhelming. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

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