Monthly Archives: May 2018

Getting Some Answers (or Allowing Myself To Be A Bit Of A Bitch)

I wrote last month about how I had some unfortunate situations in online dating.  I had been seeing someone on and off for a little while when I got a Facebook message from a random account telling me he had a girlfriend. I sent the guy a screenshot about it and asked him if he knew what this was about and at the time I wrote my last post I hadn’t heard from him.

It’s been about a month since I messaged him and I finally heard back from him yesterday. I don’t need to go into too many details, but he basically admitted that he did have a girlfriend (although they started dating after the last time he and I saw each other in person) and that he was wrong for not telling me. He doesn’t deserve anything from me, but I agreed to talk to him on the phone. He wanted to explain things but that wasn’t my intention with the call.

Ever since I got that random Facebook message, I had questions I wanted answered. And in the month since that message, I’ve tortured myself thinking about what the answers could be and this phone call was my opportunity to get those answers. So I prepared for the call almost how I prepare for phone interviews for jobs.

I wrote down every question I had for him. There were plenty of questions that I knew the answers would hurt me, but I needed to hear it from him and not just have my imagination run wild. And I needed him to hear what I felt about him because he didn’t deserve to just think that everything was ok with us. When I looked back at my questions I wrote before he and I spoke on the phone, I thought that maybe I was being too harsh and mean.

But then I stopped myself. Why shouldn’t I be harsh and mean? Someone who I cared about (and I thought cared about me) hurt me and I had a chance to get answers. I didn’t care anymore about what he thought about me so if he felt like I was being a bitch after asking these questions that was fine with me. This phone call wasn’t for him even though he felt like I was doing him a favor. This was for me to say my peace when I haven’t had that chance in the past.

And the call went pretty close to what I expected. I was screaming and saying some very tough things for him to hear. I was emotional and I didn’t care. I made him listen to me and I forced him to answer the questions I needed answers to. I didn’t get everything I wanted out of the call, but I got more than I had before and that was something I needed. It didn’t quite give me a sense of closure, but it gave me a sense of power when I had felt powerless the month prior.

He and I had some deep conversations when we had been together and he knew that I struggled with a family member telling me that I was never worthy of good things. And I got to tell him that even though I know it’s not the truth, he made me feel like it was true because he didn’t seem to respect me enough to tell me the truth. I only found out the truth from a random person. And while he claims he would have told me the truth soon, I doubt that.

The call lasted about 30 minutes and we agreed that there were still more things that needed to be said between us so there will probably be another conversation. He says he needs to have me forgive him (which I don’t know when or if I can do that) and I need him to admit to his mistakes so that I can regain some more power. I need to believe that this has nothing to do with me. And I know it doesn’t, but I don’t quite believe it yet.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you all this story. This was a huge step for me. In the past, I’ve been treated horribly by men and either let it slide or just ended things without explaining what I felt. This time, I had the chance to force someone to hear what I was feeling. And even with having that chance it was a step to actually take it and go through with it. It wasn’t easy hearing some of the things he had to say, but it would have been harder not hearing anything at all. And I have learned that sometimes one way of being hurt is easier to deal with than another way of being hurt.

There is no denying that I’m hurt (and he admitted that he didn’t realize how much this hurt me until he heard it in my voice) and I’m glad I’m acknowledging these feelings. I felt stupid to feel almost heartbroken over a guy that was never a serious relationship. But even without us being serious, we did care about each other and I felt betrayed by him. I have every right to have these feelings and I don’t think I was letting myself feel that way until this call. During the call I felt worse than I had in the past month, but after the call I finally felt something release from me. I’m still mad, but it’s not as bad as it was before.

After I got off this phone call, I was able to talk to a friend of mine. I needed to be talked down from how crazy I was feeling and just needed to vent and rant. And thankfully my friend totally understood that and didn’t try to interject with any advice. She just listened and told me to honor the feelings I was having. She reminded me that this was just the stupidity of one guy and it really had nothing to do with me. She told me that I deserve so much more than what I got and I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that what happened to me wasn’t representative of me in any way. This was just something that happened to me and it was only representative of the guy.

I know that this non-relationship can’t define who I am. It is just something that happened to me (and will make an interesting story in the book I’m writing) and I will be past this soon. And it reminded me yet again that I am so lucky to have the friends that I have and that even if I don’t have romantic love in my life that I have friendship love. And that love is more powerful and meaningful to me.

Not Having Fear Of Missing Out (or I’m Sorry In Advance For Boring Posts)

After being sick for what feels like forever (I’m still not totally better), I’m seriously having some cabin fever. I’ve left my house for a few errands in the past couple of days because I was finally feeling like I wasn’t at risk of passing out, but pretty much I’ve done nothing in a week now. It’s starting to get to me and I’m trying to do more and more things each day to help be out of this boredom. But even with doing a few things, there are plenty of things I’ve missed out on.

There was supposed to be a Disney adventure with friends this past Monday. I was starting to feel a bit better then, but I also knew that I would be exhausted just walking from the car to the tram into the parks. There was no way I could do a day at Disneyland. And my friends totally understood (they ended up having other things they needed to do that day too). Disney days are always fun, but it would have been awful if I was there and feeling miserable. I’m glad I didn’t go but I’m totally ready to reschedule and be there soon!

And yesterday I was supposed to go to an informational session at SAG-AFTRA. Yesterday was the first day I felt really like myself. I was still sniffling and coughing, but my voice didn’t sound like I was sick and I wasn’t dealing with fatigue. And I thought about still going to it because I wanted to get back to my normal life, but I also knew that I didn’t want to be there and coughing and sneezing the entire time. And even though I know I’m not contagious, I bet other people there wouldn’t really want to be sitting next to me if I was sniffling the entire time. So I ended up staying home for that too.

While I was looking forward to both of these things, I’m fine that I missed out on them. I know it was for the best for my health and that has to be my focus while I get over this epic cold! I know that having these lazy days are exactly what I need to do to get my body healthy again. It’s a little frustrating that this is taking so long, but the improvement each day is keeping me hopeful and motivated.

But the one regret I have about missing out on things is about what I can write on here! Those days would have been fun posts for me to write (and for you to read) and now I don’t have them. And there are only so many posts I feel like I should write about being sick even if it has taken over my life for a week and a half so far. I always try to keep this blog interesting and fun and when I’ve had nothing in my life to write about for so long it’s tough! So I’m sorry if the posts lately have been a bit boring. I’m hoping to make things interesting again soon and I should be going to some fun things in the coming days as long as I keep feeling better.

I know I have a few friends who are also battling this epic cold (fortunately, I don’t think I passed this on to anyone else I know). It’s almost like a hybrid cold/flu and seems to be taking so many people way longer than normal to get over it. It sucks that I got this, but I’m grateful that I’m healthy enough that I was able to fight it on my own. All I had to do was take about a week off of my life and take some over the counter meds. That’s a minor inconvenience compared to what other people have had to do (including going to the hospital for breathing treatments). So if you are reading this while dealing with this cold bug going around, I’m sorry you are sick. And I’m sorry if my blog is dashing your hopes that you will be over this bug quickly.

And to everyone reading this, sorry for the boring posts that I’ve had lately and will possibly have for a few more days. There’s not a ton to write about when you are napping and watching a lot of tv and I can’t wait to be done with that and back to my normal life again.

This Cold Really Took Me Down (or Several Days Of Doing Nothing)

I wrote a very short post on Friday about being sick. I wrote that when I was so sick that I can’t believe the post had coherent sentences. I don’t get sick that often (although I was surprised looking back at old blog posts that I was sick last fall) and this cold I caught was possibly one of the worst ones I’ve had as an adult.

One of the weird things about this cold was I know exactly when I was exposed to the germs. I was on a date on Monday and the guy I saw told me on Tuesday that he was sick. So I knew the day I caught it was Monday. I could look at these different timeline things online about what symptoms to expect each day of being sick which I usually don’t look at. And since I wasn’t feeling off until Wednesday, I missed the first few days of the cold.

Thursday morning when I woke up, I almost passed out trying to stand. If I had to drive to a job, there would have been no way I could have worked. I barely made it from my bedroom to my desk. I have no idea how I managed to work on Thursday, but I did. And as soon as I was done with work, I took a 4 hour nap and then got ready for bed and went to sleep. Friday was just as bad if not worse. I was feeling like I was ready to pass out at any moment. I couldn’t breathe through my nose and I was constantly trying to clear my throat so I never felt like I could catch my breath.

Saturday was pretty bad too, but I managed to stand long enough to take a shower. And after that, I was able to drive 2 blocks to the grocery store to get some cold medication and soup. And on Sunday, I finally was able to breathe through one side of my nose and didn’t feel like my head was so heavy it was going to fall off my neck.

With the exception of the 10 minutes I was at the grocery store, from Wednesday evening until Monday morning I never left my house. And even though I was in my house all that time, my house became a huge mess. I wasn’t cleaning and didn’t really care that things were piling up. I know that I could have been worse, but this cold was really brutal and took me out of things for a while. I love lazy days sometimes, but having 4 days in a row where not only I was lazy but I felt awful was not something I wanted to have.

I know that lying low and taking things easy was exactly what I needed to do. If I had pushed myself more I could have gotten sicker or made this last longer. I’m still not totally better yet, but starting on Sunday I was finally over the hump and getting better. And knowing that I’m at the tail end of this thing is helpful. But I really just want to get back to feeling normal. I know there is a joke online about how you are never grateful to be able to breathe through your nose until you can’t do it because you are sick and you feel like you never appreciated your body doing that. I’m still in that phase right now and I can’t wait to be back to where I don’t think about my body being able to do anything.

Hopefully I won’t be sick again for a long time and that this will be the worst cold I have for another decade or so. I hate being so out of it and feeling like this. Sick days as an adult are nothing like sick days when you were a kid (and you had someone to take care of you and you spent the day watching tv). I can’t wait to have the energy to clean my house since now it needs a major deep clean.

And even though I got this cold from a guy I went on a date with, I will still give him another chance since I really can’t blame him for this. He didn’t realize I would get sick from seeing him. And if he felt even half as miserable as I did over the past week, then I feel like that is a bit of payback for him getting me sick.

A Very Short Workout Week (or Having Some Sick Days)

Going into this past week of workouts, I honestly was expecting it to be pretty normal. I was starting to feel good again and I was looking forward to seeing what the workouts would be. And as always, when I have any expectations they seem to not happen that way. And this week of workouts really was that way.

Monday’s workout was a power switch day and it was a 3 group workout. All those things are pretty much my favorite types of workouts so to have them all together made me so happy! I just wanted to be back to my normal workout feeling after having a few weeks of feeling off in a row. And this workout did just that for me!

We had 3 blocks at each station and I started at the treadmill. The first and last block were the same with a 2 minute push pace, 1 minute base pace, and then a 30 second all out pace. I was doing my normal speed and inclines for those. I was having a bit of hip issues (my hip had popped out on Sunday evening and I don’t think it was totally back on Monday morning) but overall I was so happy with those short blocks. The second block on the treadmill was a bit longer But it still had a similar pattern to the short blocks. We had a pretty much a repeat of the first block, then a walking recovery, a shorter version of the first block, a walking recovery, and we ended with a 30 second all out pace. This block was a little bit harder on me with my hip, but I was still at my normal speed and inclines.

We were only on the rower for the first and last block (my class wasn’t full so we had almost a hybrid of the 2 group and 3 group class format). The first block was decreasing rows with medicine ball squat presses between rowing. And the last block was increasing rows with medicine ball squat presses between rows. The first time I did front presses and the second time I did overhead presses. And on the floor, we had bench sit-ups to squats (which were weirdly tough for me because my feet didn’t quite hit the ground during the bench sit-ups) plus an ab exercise for the first and third blocks. And in the longer middle block we had regular lunges, speed skater lunges, and sit-ups. That longer block was getting me so tired and my legs felt so heavy, but I was able to keep going! Overall, this workout was exactly what I needed to feel back to myself and to help me shake the nerves I was having knowing I’d be going to the dentist after my workout.

Wednesday’s workout was an endurance day with long blocks. I was feeling a little off in the morning, but nothing too bad. I figured that sweating in a workout would help me feel better and I was excited to see what we had to do.

The treadmill was a 22 minute block that had 4 rounds of 4 minute progressive push paces. For a power walker, that meant increasing the incline every minute for those 4 minutes. Since I was feeling a bit off, I took things a bit easier than normal and increased my incline by .5% each minute instead of 1% like I have in the past. It was a tough workout and those progressive push paces were making me work hard, but I felt so accomplished each time I got through one!

The floor was also a long block that had mini-blocks inside of it. The first mini-block was dumbbell swings, tricep extensions with weights, and lunge shoulder presses. We had 3 rounds of those exercises and then we had an 800 meter row. I focused on just being at a steady pace with the row and got it done in under 4 minutes. Next was a mini-block of high rows on the straps, triceps on the straps, and these interesting sit-up type moves called half get ups. Then it was a 400 meter row. After that, we were supposed to complete the exercises as 1 long block. I was just getting started at that when time was called.

I had planned to go to workouts on Friday and Saturday, but being sick prevented me from going. It’s rare that I’m so sick that I can’t work out. And I’ll be writing about my days of being a sniffling mess tomorrow. But it was a tough decision for me not to go to class those days. I know there was no way I could do the workout, but I still waited until the last minute to cancel my class. I just kept thinking how not going to class would be tough on the various goals I have set for myself with workouts. But if I had tried to go, I think that things would have been so much worse for me.

I’m hoping to be back to my workouts this week. I know I will need to take things easy and slow because I’m still not totally better, but I am antsy to be getting back to my normal routine!

A Low Key Post (or I Guess Things Come In Threes)

This is going to be a quick post, so I apologize for that.

Just last week I was writing about how I was feeling nauseous on one of the weeks I’m normally fine because of antibiotics. I was saying how my body just needed a break and it was unfortunate timing. Well, I spoke too soon.

It’s been a while since I’ve been sick so I guess it was just time for me to catch something again. I’m pretty sure it’s just a basic cold, but it still sucks when you aren’t feeling right. I can almost guarantee I know when I caught it (I was hanging out with someone on Monday who ended up coming down with a cold on Tuesday) and hopefully this bug is out of my system quickly.

I started feeling like something was off on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. Usually before I get sick I have a weird feeling in my throat that I can only describe as feeling like I’m constantly thirsty. When that happens, I almost always am sick the next day. Since I was feeling like that on Wednesday, I took care of myself that day and made sure that I was staying hydrated. I also got some supplies in case I did get sick.

And when I woke up on Thursday, I had a full-blown cold. It’s not the worst cold I’ve had, but I’m dealing with congestion and some fogginess/headache issues. I’ve got cold medications and I’m using throat lozenges to try to keep the symptoms at bay. And I’m drinking more water than I feel like I could tolerate. I have no guarantee of how long this thing will last, but I’m hopeful that because I’m doing all the right things that it will be gone before I know it.

Being sick sucks and being sick after over a week of expected nausea and then another week of unexpected nausea is really just bad timing. I have a bad feeling that as soon as I’m over this cold I’ll be back to my usual 2 weeks of nausea and I’ll have to wait for that to end before feeling totally better. If that’s what happens, it happens. I can’t really do much about it. All I can do now is to take care of myself, get rest, and not overdo things too much.

Another Union Working Meeting (or Rolling With The Technical Difficulties)

I had another Union Working meeting this week. These meetings are about every other month and I really do look forward to them each time I realize there is another meeting coming up. I’m learning a ton about the union by being at these meetings. They are able to go into detail about things that I didn’t understand before or that the union really can’t discuss. But that’s the benefit to being a group that isn’t union official. We have a ton of people who are board members and on committees so we are getting accurate information. We just don’t have the formalities of being an official union event.

For the past few meetings, I’ve been in charge of running the Facebook Live for the portion of the meeting we can share (there are some things discussed that are only for union members so we don’t make it available online to the public). It’s a pretty easy job for me to do so I’m happy that I can help out and allow the people who run the meeting to focus on much more important things. And I’ve got a pretty decent setup with my iPad, tripod, and tablet holder for my tripod. But as it seems like a lot of things have been for me lately, things just didn’t go as planned this time.

There is no wi-fi for us to use where we hold the meetings, so I have to use a hotspot from my phone. It’s not that difficult to set up usually but I still get to the meetings early to set up everything so I’m ready to start the live video once the meeting begins. But this time, I just couldn’t get my iPad to connect to my phone. I restarted both devices multiple times and it just didn’t want to work. Since the meeting was about to start, I decided I needed to run the video off of my phone. The holder I have on my tripod doesn’t quite fit my phone, but I managed to make it work.

I’ll admit that I was a bit distracted during the meeting because of the technical issues. I was checking my phone to make sure the video was still going and I had to look harder at it to read the comments that people watching were making since it’s a much smaller screen than I’m used to. But I tried to make sure that even though I was distracted more than normal that I was still paying attention so I could get some great information out of the meeting.

The meetings are usually pretty structured evenings. There is an agenda to go over and because there is so much information and so little time they are pretty on top of making sure that we stay on track. I don’t know if this meeting didn’t have as much of an agenda or what but it seemed like a much more casual and conversational meeting. We did cover a lot of information, but there was so much more back and forth conversation between everyone in the room than I’m used to. But it was pretty awesome to watch that happen because you could see the moments when others in the room understood something for the first time.

A lot of the discussion was related to the election that will be happening in a little over a year and how things have happened in the past and how things should possibly change for the future. I don’t have a strong opinion on a lot of election related things that were discussed because they were mainly things that were about board members and what is currently being done. But I was glad I could hear both sides of the debate so I could know what is the current situation and what others think is wrong and what it should possibly look like in the future.

And as always with these meetings, we discussed the current commercial contract and the upcoming negotiations. Commercials are changing so much and we want to make sure that our contracts reflect that. Online commercials aren’t super new, but they are new enough that there are so many things in those contracts that weren’t figured out in the past. So to know what situations other actors are encountering at auditions or on set can help us know what we want to negotiate for. It also makes me more aware of some things that I want to look out for when I’m working.

Even though there wasn’t a big agenda for the meeting, the 2 hours that we were there covered a lot of information and discussion. Several people mentioned how conversational everything seemed and that it was a nice change from when it is more of a lecture type meeting. There clearly are times where the discussion needs to be a bit more formal and structured, but it was nice to have something that was a bit more freeform when it can happen.

Our next meeting will be most likely toward the end of June and I’ll try to post on social media about it. While we have had some meetings that are only for union members, most of the time they are open to everyone!

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A Quick Adventure To The Dentist (or Ok, Maybe I Overreacted A Bit)

I posted last week about going to the dentist and how my appointment ended up being split over 2 days. Last week was supposed to be a cleaning plus x-rays and the check-up from the dentist. But I only had the cleaning and my x-rays and check-up got moved to this week. But during my cleaning, we discovered a very small mark in a tooth that could turn into a cavity or worse if nothing was done. So it was decided that getting a filling would be added to my appointment this week.

I’ve had bad luck with the dentist in the past, but in the recent past things have been better. Even my last major dental work ended up being much easier than I thought it would be. And I had been reassured that this filling was even less involved than the last one so it would be super quick. But even with all that, I was still pretty nervous about everything. I had other things that distracted me from feeling panicky in the days leading up to the appointment, but when my appointment day came I was pretty shaky.

When I arrived, I saw the dental tools that were going to be used for my filling. I tried to keep reminding myself that this was going to be easy, but the fear was just building up in me and I couldn’t get worst-case scenarios out of my head.

I had my x-rays first and I was so glad that I had those this week versus last week. The things they have to put in your mouth for them aren’t the most comfortable things and I would have hated feeling like that plus being nauseous. The x-rays got done quickly and then it was just time to wait for the dentist to come look at all my teeth before doing the work.

I was still terrified that he would tell me that he found something else wrong with my teeth. While I work really hard at taking care of my teeth, genetically I have bad (or not-so-great) teeth. I try really hard to not need dental work, but it’s just something I have to deal with because of how my teeth are. Fortunately this time the dentist said that my teeth looked great and where he was going to do the filling was even smaller than he expected so it should be super easy!

Then it was time for what I knew would be the worst part for me. I had the option of getting this done without a Novocaine shot, but to me that probably would have been worse than having a shot. And it was only one shot this time instead of 2 (which seems to be the norm for me). I tried to stay calm and I did better than usual, but it still wasn’t good. I hate that shots make me cry a bit (and I think it’s just worse at the dentist because I know there is potentially more pain after the shots versus my IVs at MRIs which don’t hurt), but my dentist is used to me by now and how difficult this is for me. And he recognizes that I’m doing better even if it’s still not easy.

The shot took effect really quickly and they were able to get started on the work. The drilling was maybe 15 seconds and then they were putting the filling in where they drilled. They dried it with the light and checked my bite so they could file it down to keep my bite aligned. And in under 5 minutes from the time I had the shot they were done! It was almost ridiculous how quickly it was over! I knew it would be fast so I wouldn’t have to watch a movie while they worked to distract me, but I did have my headphones so I could listen to Spotify or something while they were drilling. But that wasn’t needed. With the exception of the shot, it was easier than a cleaning!

I was out of there in no time and ready to go on with my day. I was very numb for a while so I had to be careful not to bite my lip by accident, but I think I did do that when trying to eat some lunch so I’m a bit sore now. But honestly this appointment ended up being ridiculously easy so having a minor issue after the fact didn’t bug me too much. I was just glad I got through this and that it really was worse in my head than it really was. I rarely believe things would be easier than they are, but I think that idea is worse than preparing for something that wasn’t needed.

I know that for some people going to the dentist isn’t a big deal and they don’t even worry when they need dental work done. They probably think I’m crazy with how big of a deal I make these appointments. And I’m starting to realized that I am overreacting from time to time, but the truth is that the fear is still very real for me and it may never go away completely. But at least it is getting better for me and I have more positive dentist memories to help outweigh the scary ones in my head.

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School Of Rock (or Just A Good Fun Musical)

I’ve noticed that the musicals on my calendar are much closer together now (in the next year and a half, I’ve got 15 more musicals scheduled!). So even though it seems like I was just at the Pantages for my last musical, I was there again this weekend for another show! And this time, we were seeing “School of Rock”!

The musical is based on the movie and I’ve seen the movie a bunch of times. I was pretty excited to see how the musical adaptation would be since I was so familiar with the movie. And 2 of the other women in my group were in the same boat as me (1 member of the group has never seen the movie).

We had a quick dinner at Greenleaf before the show (we’ve done Shake Shack a lot lately and wanted to switch it up). I meant to take a photo of my dinner because it was really good but it totally just slipped my mind. But I highly recommend the turkey melt there because it was delicious. And yes, I ordered a turkey melt at a place that is known for salads. But it’s good to know that everything there is good!

We’ve gotten into such a routine with our musicals which I love. We all know what seats we sit in (we always have the same seats) and it just seems so normal and orderly to me. Even though we have season tickets and our shows are always the same time in a run of a show, it seems like we always have different people sitting around us. I thought maybe we’d be seeing the same people each show, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I think the couple sitting next to me has been there in the past, but because there isn’t really consistency with who sits there I could be wrong.

If you aren’t familiar with School of Rock, it’s about a guy who is kicked out of his band and pretends to be a substitute teacher at a fancy private school. He discovers the students in his class have musical talents and he creates a band to try to win a battle of the bands against the band that kicked him out. It’s not a complicated plot and that’s fine with me. I was saying to the group that we have had a lot of serious and heavy musicals and I really wanted something that was just fun and entertaining. And this fit that perfectly!

There were a lot of really great songs (some of which were stuck in our heads after the show) and the performers were great. But the most incredible performers were the kids in the show. There were amazing singers and the band members played their instruments live in the show. To play in front of a big crowd is tough for an adult, and these kids were just amazing! And watching them be so into playing and having fun with the songs was very entertaining! Since I can’t play a musical instrument, I’m always impressed with people who can. And these kids were more talented than most adults I know. I was just in awe watching.

The show is very similar to the movie and the songs from the movie are in the show (but the musical adds so many more songs). I was worried about the friend who hadn’t seen the movie because I didn’t know if I was enjoying the show so much because I love the movie. But she really enjoyed the show too which is a sign of a great show! If you can make people who are familiar with the original material and people who don’t know anything about the show both happy and enjoy it, that’s pretty special.

This was such a nice break from the serious shows we’ve had lately. And our next show will be another serious one. But to have a fun night out with my friends was exactly what I needed after feeling a bit low lately. I needed some laughing, fun, and entertainment to take my mind off of things that are bugging me. And even after leaving the show I continued to be in a better mood. I know I need to keep adding fun things in my life when I have low moments like I was having, and I’m just glad that I had this scheduled during a rough patch of my life.

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Another Weird Workout Week (or Dealing With A Different Type Of Nausea)

I wrote recently about having to go to the doctor and get on antibiotics for an infection. Doing that kind of messed with my workouts this past week. I thought I was going to have a week with nausea only at the beginning of the week, and it ended up being a week that was full of feeling off.

Monday’s workout was the last day of my mileage challenge and I knew based on how I was feeling that I would need to be on the bike for the workout. I was a little bit disappointed I wasn’t ending the challenge on the treadmill, but I already knew I passed the half marathon mark on the treadmills so I was excited to see what distance I could get for the month for the bike. It was a strength based workout, which means inclines on the treadmill, so I wasn’t too sad to miss inclines since they aren’t my favorite.

It was a 3 group workout so we were at each station for about 15 minutes. On the treadmill/bike, we had 2 blocks. Each block had a 2 minute hill and a 1 minute hill. I tried to add extra resistance to the bike for the hills, but I ended up mainly sticking with the resistance levels I use for my push or all out paces. I know I wasn’t working that hard (my lack of sweat was a sign of that) but I was doing what I could do considering how I was feeling. I tried to limit my breaks and managed to do better with that than expected, but I also know that I would have liked to have even fewer breaks.

I was on the rower next where we had one long block. It was decreasing rows starting at 500 meters and between each round of rowing we had shoulder work using the mini-bands. I wasn’t too worried about my rowing times so I just focused on my form. And the shoulder work wasn’t easy but it was a nice break from the rowing. I was able to get down to the 100 meter row before time was called and was pretty happy that I didn’t have to take any mid-row breaks. And I finished on the floor where we had 1 long block with rows with weights, strap tricep work, chest fly using weight, bicep curls with weights, sumo squats with weights, and sit-ups. I was a bit worried about how I would feel with everything, but it was awesome to not need any modifications and was able to use the heavier weights for almost all the weighted work.

I was hopeful going into Wednesday’s workout because on Tuesday I wasn’t feeling nauseous anymore, but then the antibiotics I took was starting to make me feel off. But even with that, I was determined to get back onto the treadmill for the workout. When I found out it was a strength day with inclines on the treadmill, I was a bit nervous about that. But I decided that I just needed to see what I could do. Fortunately we did switch between the blocks so I wasn’t on the treadmill for more than about 7 minute at a time.

On the treadmill, we had a 2 minute hill in each block. For the runners, the first minute was running at incline and the second minute was power walking at a very high incline. I tried to do a similar thing with walking at my normal speed for the first minute and then going to the very high incline but slowing down my speed for the second minute. I definitely had to take more breaks than I would have liked because of how I was feeling on the antibiotics. I also was feeling really out of breath which might have been due to not being on the treadmill for a while or the antibiotics. I’m not totally sure which one it was but it didn’t really matter to me. I just knew that when I was feeling really off that I needed to take a break and get some water.

When we were on the floor, every block started with a 300 meter row. I really wasn’t paying too much attention to my row times but I do know that I got slower with each block. After the row, we had 2 exercises each block. We had goblet squats, hammer curls, front squats, reverse flys, single leg squats using the straps, and sit-ups. I usually don’t do single leg squats but decided since the first round was doing 6 on each side I could try them. It took me forever to do them, but I managed to get it done! I know my form wasn’t the best, but just being able to do single leg squats when I was so sure I couldn’t do them really helped to make me feel better when I was looking for victories in the workout.

After feeling off on Wednesday, I was hopeful that things might be better on Friday. Things really weren’t, but the workout was something that ended up being easier on my body. It was a run/row workout but we switched every 4.5 minutes so I was never doing treadmill work for very long.

The idea of the run/row was that it was a 400 meter row and a .25 mile run (.13 mile walk for me). Some blocks would start with the row and some blocks would start with the run. The idea was to get back to whatever thing you started on before time was called for the block. So if you started with the row, the goal was to do the row, do the run, and get back to the rower. For all of the blocks, I never made it back to what I started on. I wasn’t that surprised that I couldn’t do that since my rowing was pretty slow. I was doing ok on the treadmill considering how I was feeling but that was because I was usually only on it for a few minutes at a time.

And on the floor we had something interesting. We had 5 moves for each block and they were always the same. We had lateral lunges with weights, ground to press with weights, pull-ups on the straps, shoulder presses, and crunches. Everything was timed so we did 45 seconds of each exercise except the crunches which was 30 seconds. Even though they were the same 5 things each block, they were done in a different order each time. We always ended with crunches, but the other 4 moves switched around from block to block. Since things switched up each block, it never felt repetitive. But I was feeling a bit sore in a good way after the workout was done.

And on Saturday, I finally was starting to feel almost totally better. I still was dealing with a bit of nausea, but it was so little compared to how the previous few weeks were that I wasn’t going to let it get me down too much. And I was able to prove it to myself in the workout.

The treadmill portion had 3 blocks but the first 2 were the same. It was supposed to be a 5.5 minute run for distance with intervals alternating push pace and base pace. But since as a walker that just means adjusting the incline, I decided to go for the entire 5.5 minutes at my push incline of 6%. I can’t remember the last time I was at that incline for that long, but I’m so glad that I push myself to do it. I did have to take a few breaks to let the nausea pass and drink some water, but it was much better than I expected to do. And for the last block, it was 5 all out pace intervals with 3 of them being a minute, 1 being 45 seconds, and the last one being 30 seconds. I was pretty happy with how I did in the treadmill blocks, especially since it was for about 25 minutes when you add it all up.

On the floor, we had 1 long block with rowing and 7 different exercises. It was a bit of a complicated format to try to explain on here, but basically we had 3 mini-blocks within the big block. Each mini block started with a 250 meter row and plank jacks. Then we had 5 rounds of 5 reps of 2 different exercises. The exercises included dumbbell swings, burpees, chest presses with weights, low rows with weights, shoulder presses with weights, and pop jacks. With having to do 5 rounds of 5 reps, I knew we had 25 reps in the mini block. I didn’t want to have to switch every 5 reps so I split it into 2 rounds doing 15 in one round and 10 in another. I know I probably should have split it up into the rounds of 5, but I just didn’t want to have to keep switching because I didn’t want to have to think. But even with my modification I know I still had an amazing workout!

Considering what I had to deal with this past week of workouts, I’m pretty happy with how things turned out. I’m hoping this week will go better because I finally finished my antibiotics yesterday and I shouldn’t be dealing with hormonal nausea for another week or so. And I’m even more motivated to keep pushing myself because I am trying to keep doing my mileage challenge and seeing how many miles I can get done in May!

Trying To Get Past A Rough Patch (or I Know This Funk Is Temporary)

Between some not fun health issues and some not fun dating issues, I haven’t been in the best mindset lately. I’ve been trying to stay positive and believe that things are going to be ok, but I think sometimes you just have to allow yourself to be in a bad mood to help get past it. I don’t love being in a mood like this and I would prefer to be in a “fake it until you make it” mindset and try to believe that things are good, but it’s just not working for me right now.

Usually I’m able to focus on something positive that’s happening in my life but this time it seems like when I try to do that something negative happens there. I was trying to focus on how I’m lucky to have my jobs and I’m doing the social media management job that helps me make up some of the money I’m not getting with the reduced hours with one of my other jobs. But then there was a major site-wide issue with one of my jobs that had us dealing with endless customer issues (and nothing we could tell them to fix it since we were waiting on someone higher up to fix the website). And I found out this week that my social media management job ended this week. I knew the original contract I did with them was for only a month, but I was hopeful it would go on longer. But I understand why it ended and I’m trying to be hopeful that they will bring me back on when they try to do it again.

It’s weird to allow yourself to be in a dark place. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed or anything, but for sure I’m in a darker mood than my normal mood. And just to make myself clear, I’m not in any risk of harming myself or doing anything like that. I know that for some people being in a dark place makes it risky for them to be alone. I’m not thinking of hurting myself. I’m more in a mood where I’m just mad at the world and really wish I could punch something and not hurt myself. I’ve tried punching pillows or other soft things, but it’s not the same and I’m not risking breaking my hand to punch a wall.

I’ve been feeling this cycle of darkness coming for a little while and I think I just hit my breaking point with it yesterday. In some way, allowing myself to wallow in self-pity is making things better. I’m acknowledging the feelings I’ve got and I’m hoping that just letting it happen will make it go by faster. But I’m also aware that this might take a few days to get through. I know I will get through it, but sometimes in the middle of it you feel like it will be endless. But if I’m being honest with myself, I only started allowing myself to feel this way yesterday (and I felt it coming on for 2-3 days before that), so it hasn’t been forever. And even writing this all out is a bit therapeutic for me and the desire to punch a wall isn’t as strong as it was a few minutes ago.

I know that I’m lucky that I am mentally healthy enough that I am able to get through these temporary funks. I know that if I wasn’t in as good of a mindset, this could kick off something worse or lasting a long time. But I know that it will be over soon and I will be looking back at this time as a temporary blip in what is usually a pretty awesome life. And I know I have a pretty awesome life (I just realized that between this year and next I’m scheduled to go to 16 musicals!). And before I know it, I’ll be back to normal and can focus on the positive things again and let the little negative things roll off my back.

But for now, I’m letting the funk take over a bit and am enjoying spending time on my couch watching Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, and HBO Go to help distract me from what is bugging me.