Tag Archives: hurt

Working On Setting Boundaries (or I Just Have To Be Ok With Ending Things With People Who Can’t Respect Me)

Posted on September 15, 2022 | Comments Off on Working On Setting Boundaries (or I Just Have To Be Ok With Ending Things With People Who Can’t Respect Me)

On top of all the physical stuff I’ve been going through this week, this week has been emotionally draining on me as well. I guess it’s good that everything so far has been on a single day, but that made Tuesday this week so much tougher for me to get through.

The day started off with a text from the guy that I had written about recently who I tried to date again. I really thought things were finally done. I pointed out that we want different things in life and that there would not be a compromise. And honestly, even if he changed his mind and said he would be all in for a relationship if I’d consider it at this point. He has already said things that make me feel like he doesn’t respect me and has been saying things to trick me into believing things about him. But once he showed his true colors, I no longer was interested in continuing things and made that very clear.

One of the things that was so frustrating about him is that he would always text me in the middle of the night to see if I was still up and if we could meet up. He knew I hated this but he continued to do it. I assumed after our phone call when I was clear and said there was no point to continue things that those texts would stop. But I got one at 1am on Tuesday morning and it didn’t have an apology for his behavior or anything else. It was like he was acting that nothing happened and he thought I would just forget about what we said and would just change my mind about what I wanted. I debated about not responding, but I decided to tell him that we were not going to play this game anymore and that we were done. His response was that we were going to keep playing this game.

And I can’t explain why this triggered me so much, but it was a glass-breaking moment for me where I could see that it was so much more than just him having a lack of respect for me. It felt like he was saying he knew better and that he was going to keep trying to get me to change to be what he wants with no regard for my feelings. And I felt more than ever that there was no chance for anything positive to happen in my life from knowing him or texting with him. So I told him that I would be blocking him and I said goodbye.

I really haven’t blocked many people I knew on my phone. I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to block people, but it’s always been something that I don’t want to do to anyone. But in this case, I knew he was going to keep texting and trying to get me to go along with him. And I didn’t want to see those texts coming up on my phone. He might not believe that he’s blocked and I know that he might still think his texts are going through, but I won’t have to see them again and I feel a bit better about that.

And if that wasn’t enough for the day, later in the afternoon a guy who was a friend of mine accused me of fearmongering because I posted online about how some Republicans are pushing for a nationwide abortion ban and how dangerous that could be. I knew he wouldn’t believe it if I showed him that CNN reported on that story, so I sent him the Fox News article.

This friend and I have known each other for over 10 years and we have always disagreed about abortion rights. He thinks there is never a reason for an abortion and that if people stopped having sex outside of marriage that nobody would need to end a pregnancy. I am very pro-choice and believe that people have a right to end a pregnancy for a multitude of reasons. Even though we have disagreed on this issue, we have always had respectful debates with each other.

But this time was different. He was being very hateful toward me and saying that I don’t care about dead babies because I never post about that. I wasn’t in the mood to start a new debate and how allowing abortions is not the same as wanting babies to die, so I told him that I wasn’t going to continue this conversation at this time. But he continued on and was saying how nobody should have an abortion and how wrong they were. I asked again for him to please stop and to respect my boundaries about talking about this more. And he made a joke about me needing a safe space and told me to block him.

And I blocked him on all social media after that comment. It wasn’t about him believing that nobody should have an abortion even if their life is at risk. He can have that belief all he wants. But a true friend would have respected me asking to not continue a conversation. Imagine if you were talking to someone who had a family member who was killed and you kept asking for more details about their death. And when they asked you to stop asking about things, you made fun of them and told them that you would only stop if they forced you to. That’s so disrespectful to anyone, let alone a friend. And I just can’t picture myself having a friend who thinks that me asking for a conversation to end is something to laugh about and that they should push me further.

Between the blocking in the morning and in the afternoon, I felt so broken. I couldn’t understand why I was being stepped over by these people who claimed to have respect for me. Why were my boundaries ignored by them and not considered? I know that the way these two men treated me isn’t representative of how others treat me, but at that moment it did feel that way. And my heart was hurting because of that.

I talked with a friend while I was upset and she helped to calm me down and see that I shouldn’t keep people in my life who treat me this way. I have ended friendships before when we’ve drifted apart, but this just felt so much more dramatic than that. And I was struggling because I was questioning how someone could have actually respected me in the past if this is the way they treated me now. I questioned if they ever respected me or always felt like this about me. But I know that at this point, it doesn’t matter. Again, someone showed their true colors and feelings about me and I don’t have to tolerate it just because we have known each other for so long.

I think I’m going to still be working through some of these feelings for a bit longer because it hit me so hard. The end of the friendship was worse, but they both really pushed me emotionally. But I also know that I want to keep people in my life that love and support me, and the way these men acted did not show that and that means I don’t have to keep them in my life. It’s hard to set these boundaries with people, especially when I’ve been a people pleaser for a long time, but I’m glad that I did do it this time because I will be better for it.

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Of Course I Have A New Injury (or Thank Goodness For Family and FaceTime)

Posted on May 5, 2020 | Comments Off on Of Course I Have A New Injury (or Thank Goodness For Family and FaceTime)

Even though I am one of the klutziest people I know, I am pretty lucky with what happens in my klutzy moments. I always seem to have new bruises popping up that I have no clue how they happened. I’ve broken my toes more times than I can count and have gotten really good at buddy taping my toes together. And more often than not, my klutzy moments only result in hurting my ego a bit.

But this past Sunday, my klutziness caused something that really made me have a moment of panic. I was preparing ingredients for my dinner (yup, cooking from scratch again). It’s something I’ve made before and I was happy that it was going to be easy to put together. I have a decent knife set, but I usually don’t use the bigger knives because the small ones work. But I was trying to cut a big onion and the small knife wasn’t doing the job. So I took one of the bigger ones out (I think I’ve used it once or twice before) and got to cutting my onion.

I don’t actually remember how it happened, but the knife slipped and went through the top of my finger. It basically sliced the top knuckle area on my middle finger. But on the top of it where it’s just skin and bone, not the bottom by the finger pad where there is more to it. And as soon as it happened, I was in a lot of pain. I quickly grabbed some paper towels and put pressure on it because it was bleeding quite a bit (although I managed to not get any blood on my ingredients). I didn’t look at the injury too much since I immediately put the paper towel on it, but I knew it wasn’t good.

After a few minutes, I realized that this cut may be worse than I thought and I was terrified that I’d need stitches. Needing stitches is never good, but now it’s especially scary since I do not want to have to go to the hospital if I can avoid it. It was bad enough to have to go to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. I do not want to have to step foot into an ER where I know there may be patients with coronavirus or other contagious things. So I called my parents.

I’m lucky with my parents and brother all being in medicine. Even though my parents are both retired, they still are great at giving medical advice and letting me know when I need more serious medical help. So when I called my mom I was trying to explain the best I could about what happened and how much my finger was bleeding. She gave me some advice about when I should worry and how long it might take for the bleeding to slow down or stop. And then we got on FaceTime so she could see the wound after I took the paper towels off. By the time I was on the phone, the bleeding was not as bad as it had been when it happened. So that’s a good sign. My mom told me to keep putting pressure on it and to check in with them in an hour or two.

I put a clean paper towel on my finger and wrapped it with some medical tape to keep a bit of pressure on it. I also needed to finish preparing dinner because I didn’t want my ingredients to go to waste. Cooking with only 1 good hand isn’t easy, but it can be done.

By the time my food was done in the oven, the bleeding had stopped. So I put a regular bandage on it and called my mom to update her. I’m sure she knew I would be fine, but it was still good for me to check in with her.

I had to figure out some creative solutions for things that evening because I wanted to protect my finger. I used gloves for a lot of things so my bandage wouldn’t get wet. And it seemed to be doing ok when I went to bed. My finger was really sore (and I could tell it would be hurting a lot for the rest of this week), but the bandage was staying on and it didn’t seem like it was bleeding anymore.

Yesterday, I had my workout and that was another challenge. Anything that required me to support myself on my hands or lift weight wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t have the ability to grip with the cut where it was. When I started my workout, I just had the bandage on there. But I realized I needed a bit more protection so I wrapped the bandage in medical tape to keep it secure. It limited my movement in my finger even more, but it helped with a lot of the pain. It also made it look like I was giving the finger no matter what.

Showering was another interesting challenge. I ended up cutting a finger off of a rubber glove and then putting medical tape around it to try to secure it. Water still got in there and I needed to change the bandage again, but it was better than if I hadn’t done anything. Because of where the cut it, the waterproof bandages don’t really stick to it. I did order some knuckle bandages that should be arriving this week, so hopefully those will help.

I’m sure this sounds silly and that I shouldn’t have needed to call my parents just because I cut myself. But it’s scary when something like that happens and you are all alone. And I really didn’t know if I needed to go to the hospital for this. If I couldn’t reach my parents, I probably would have gone because I would rather be safe than sorry. But right now, the hospital isn’t always the safest choice. I’m grateful that my mom was able to calm me down when I was scared and could help me try to fix this the best she could. I probably have a few weeks of healing ahead of me before my finger seems normal again, but at least I’m taking care of it and I know I’ll be ok.

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Adult Conversations and Feeling Like A Kid (or A Very Busy Saturday)

Posted on May 21, 2019 | Comments Off on Adult Conversations and Feeling Like A Kid (or A Very Busy Saturday)

This past Saturday was quite a day. I had my usual things like work and my workout, but it also ended up being an overwhelming day. Everything that made the day overwhelming were things that were last minute, so I had no way to prepare for them. Fortunately, I ended the day on a positive note when I didn’t think that was possible earlier in the day.

The overwhelming stuff started with having a very difficult conversation with someone in my life. I’m not trying to be vague, but I do want to protect who they are since this is something that isn’t completely resolved. But this person is someone who I thought cared about me (and I cared about them) and they hurt me. They actually hurt me about a year ago and this conversation was something we have needed to have since then. I was ready to discuss it right away, but they kept putting it off.

I knew that I might have to be ok with not having the discussion I wanted and trying to let things go, but it was not easy to do that. Fortunately, they agreed finally that we needed to be adults and talk things out instead of just ignoring them. And part of this talk included being very open and vulnerable with each other and asking and answering questions. It was hard, it wasn’t easy to hear some of the things they had to say, but it needed to be done and I’m glad we did it.

We talked things out for several hours before I had to leave and while things are not settled yet they are in a much better place. I cried leaving because so much of the stress and hurt I have had for the past year was finally being released and it was such a good feeling. I don’t think things will ever be the way they were with this person again, but we are going to hopefully work toward getting close to that (I am happy to work toward that, I don’t know if they will be as willing). This felt like such an adult and mature moment for me because there were so many ways we could have skipped what we discussed and it probably would have been easier in the moment. But in the long run, having this talk will be for the better.

I was emotionally spent after that talk and when I got home I was ready to just sit on my couch and do nothing. But I also didn’t want to have the rest of my evening consumed with thinking about it. I called my friend Dani to decompress from things and to talk things out. And while we were talking we both agreed we should go out and do something but didn’t know what to do.

We ended up deciding to go and see the Avengers movie (which I hadn’t seen yet) and there was a screening of it at the theater near me an hour after we decided that’s what we were going to do. And this worked out even better because Dani just moved to an apartment near my house! It’s not that common to have friends that live walking distance from me. It almost feels like it did in high school when all my friends were super close.

Even though we are walking distance from each other, it was late and I didn’t want to walk alone. So I drove to pick up Dani and got a chance to see her new place. Then we went to the movie and after I drove her home so she didn’t have to walk alone.

Avengers was an awesome movie, the only thing was it is a long movie and we went to a late screening. I knew it was long and people warned me to not drink too much water before so I wouldn’t have to leave for the bathroom. Maybe it’s because I cried earlier in the day, but I had the opposite problem. I was so thirsty during the movie and had to leave to get more water. That also gave me a break from sitting so I could stretch. But overall, I loved the movie and it was such a beautiful conclusion for many of those characters.

By the time I got home, it was really late and I was ready for bed. I was still a bit drained from earlier in the day, but I was doing so much better than I was before the movie. I ended the day seeing a great movie with an awesome friend and it took my mind off of other things that happened. And even though this issue with the other person in my life probably will be something I have to worry about again in the future, I really haven’t had to think about it much since Saturday.

Being an adult and having a tough conversation with someone in your life isn’t easy. I know I have skipped doing it many times that I should have gone for it. I have let things sit when I wasn’t ok with them and I have gotten to a point in my life where I don’t want to tolerate that. But at least I have other people in my life who like to act silly just like I do who can turn around a day when I need it.

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The Power Of My Voice (or Even More Closure)

Posted on April 24, 2019 | Comments Off on The Power Of My Voice (or Even More Closure)

A month ago, I wrote about how almost every month I learn something new about myself through my adventures in dating. And of course, I’ve learned another thing recently. And it is actually something I learned through the same guy I was writing about before. He is someone I was seeing on and off for a while but he is now engaged. He has continued to message me saying how he was confused and wanted to talk. While I felt like I had the closure I needed, I also couldn’t deny him the same. I know I don’t owe anything to anyone, but I can’t help it.

When we saw each other, he panicked and freaked out. He said he wanted to leave and while I didn’t want to hold him hostage I also didn’t want to lose this chance. I don’t plan on seeing him again because I have moved on and don’t care what he does with his life. He is the one who is still confused. It’s unfortunate since he is the one getting married soon, but I can’t control what he wants to do with his life. If he feels like he needs or wants to get married but is still confused about it, that’s on him. And I wanted to finally have the talk in person that we have been avoiding for a while.

He didn’t do much talking, but I did. Most of the things I said to him were things I have said to him over text. It was mainly about how he hurt me and how I have had to move on. I mentioned how I couldn’t forget what he did and how he was a coward in failing to be honest to me. I wasn’t trying to be mean or harsh, just truthful in what I felt and thought. I know it wasn’t nice and he didn’t like hearing what I had to say, but if he wasn’t going to talk about what he wanted to talk about I was going to talk about what I wanted to say.

He eventually left without saying much more than that he was sorry and that he couldn’t talk. He left very shook up by what I was saying and it surprised me to see that. I wasn’t saying things he didn’t know already. But I realized that every time he heard that from me in the past it was over text. Since he previously knew me as sweet and gentle (how I normally am in real life), maybe he was reading those messages from me with that same vibe. But hearing me say it and how strong I was being probably made him realize I wasn’t kidding before. Hearing the words come out of me most likely hit him in a different way than he had experienced before.

So much of our communication these days is over text. Not just with dating, but with work and personal stuff too. Even with my day job, I get more customers using our online chat system than phone calls. Texts are so much easier to do sometimes and they allow people to multi-task. But it also can lead to confusion since there is a lack of tone over text. While I feel like missing the tone usually leads to a text sounding worse than it really is, in this case with this guy it seems like it made it seem better. My feelings and thoughts were probably not taken seriously because my tone was missing. At least now I know that he knows exactly what I meant and if he is still confused that is completely on him. I cannot force him to be clear in what he wants, all I can do is make sure that I make myself clear. And that’s what I did.

Since meeting up with that guy, I have been more aware of when I send a text instead of calling or saying something in person. I know that not everyone likes to talk on the phone, but I can at least make an effort if I feel like something would be better over the phone. And some people will answer or will text if they can’t talk asking if they can call back later. I’m being extra cautious about what I text to someone and am going that extra step to call when I’m not totally sure if my tone would come across. It might be a silly thing, but realizing how little someone understood what I meant over text has made me so aware of making sure that it doesn’t happen again. It’s not about things as seriously as they were with this guy, but I’m still glad when I feel like someone knows what I’m saying and what I feel about it.

Obviously I will still do a ton of texting since that is much easier than calling and a lot of things can be said over text with no issues. But realizing the power of my voice with this one guy made me realize that I don’t appreciate that power enough and I should use it more often.

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Being Hurt And Finding Closure (or Still Finding Out More About Myself Through Dating)

Posted on March 28, 2019 | 1 comment

I feel like every month I write a post about things that I’ve learned through dating. I still find it crazy that I have learned so much about myself through how I am treated in the dating world. While I don’t use that to determine things about myself, it shows me things about myself that I might not have realized. And this just keeps happening over and over again.

I think part of why this is happening so often is because I am dating so often. When I was in my 20’s, I rarely dated. I wasn’t active on apps and I think I was probably being too picky. I would refuse a second date if I couldn’t see things going far. Now, while I’m still picky I’m also more open-minded. I will give a guy a second chance if I wasn’t sure about them. I’ve been open to meeting guys that I am not totally sure about and I’m not putting as much pressure on myself about dating as I did before.

My goal is still to find someone who I want to build a life with, but I also know that I might not know from the first date if someone has that potential. There are guys I met that I had pretty mediocre first dates with that ended up being really great guys. Sometimes there are just nerves or other factors that make the first date not the most accurate way to judge someone.

And yes, I’m having fun. I still have bad dates, but I find positives out of those dates. I would say a majority of the time I do have fun even if the particular date or guy isn’t fun.

But I have also made myself vulnerable to being hurt and have had to experience that a few times. Being hurt is not fun and I am working on figuring how to handle it better each time that it happens. I’m getting much better at dealing with being ghosted. I still hate it and think it’s so immature when guys can’t just say they don’t want to see you again, but I also realize that their decision to ghost has very little to do with me.

I’ve also had to deal with someone who hurt me much more than just ghosting me coming back into my life through texting. I am not dating them again nor do I plan to. He is engaged and has been reaching out to me to talk about some things. He has said he misses me and is confused, but that is his problem and not mine. While I do respond to his messages with honest answers, I do not reach out to him or start conversations with him. I keep telling him that he needs to discuss these issues with his fiancĂ©e and not me. He has brought up a lot of things from our past and we had some very intense texting discussion. But it has helped me find some closure.

When things ended between me and this guy, I was blindsided and couldn’t understand why. I still don’t understand a lot of what happened, but I have learned that because I didn’t give this guy an ultimatum about what we were he didn’t think I wanted to keep dating. Yes, I probably could have been more forceful about what I want, but I shouldn’t have to do that. If that is what this guy needed from me, I clearly am not the right girl for him.

In that same discussion with this guy, I came to another realization. I never thought much about the idea of need vs want for dating. But I realized this guy wants to be with someone who needs him (or at least acts like they need him). He wants someone who will be grateful for every little thing they do and he wants to feel like their life wouldn’t be what it is without him. But to me, I think wanting someone is so much stronger than needing someone. I will never need a guy to be a complete person. I want to find someone who adds to my life. I want to find someone who I want to create a life with. I want to find someone who makes my life better, but doesn’t make my life happen. If a guy is looking for a girl who needs them, then they aren’t the guy for me.

Coming to the realization of need vs want was a big one for me. After this guy told me he never knew I wanted to keep seeing him, I started to wonder what would have happened if I had been more upfront and forceful about things. Now I know that there is no way things would have worked out for us. This gave me so much closure. There is no question in my head that he was never the guy for me. Maybe if we kept seeing each other we would have dated for a while, but there is no way that we would have ended up together. I can never be the type of girl who will act like she needs someone.

I understand that never being someone who will act like they need another person might limit the guys who are interested in me. But I’m ok with that. I do not want to have to put on an act to make someone else happy. I was raised to be strong and independent. I think those are good qualities to have. And I don’t think I need to make myself less of a strong or independent person to find someone. I will find someone who loves those qualities in me and will appreciate it.

And the idea of need vs want goes both ways. I do not want to meet a guy who acts like he needs me. I want someone to want me. I want someone who also is independent and has their own life as well. I do not want my life to be all about another person nor do I want their life to be all about me.

While I will probably never be happy that this guy hurt me the way that he did, I do have to be a bit grateful for everything that happened. I still wish it ended a different way because there was no need for it to end as negatively as it did. But I also don’t know if I would have still discovered the same things about myself if it ended better. And now that I understand what type of relationship I truly want or could provide to someone else, I feel like I can put some focus on that idea. I don’t know how to put that into action just yet, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

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A Week With Weird Injuries (or I’m Making Excuses)

Posted on January 28, 2019 | 1 comment

I said last week in my post about my workouts how I didn’t want to keep making excuses for why I was using the bike over the treadmill. And of course, this week I feel like I do need to explain myself a bit. But at least it’s not because of my normal reasons. This past week, my workouts were a struggle because of weird issues with my body. Over the weekend leading up to this past week, I hurt my neck. I think I slept on it funny, but it was causing me a lot of pain through the week. I know it’s nothing too bad, but it still affected me. And once that was starting to feel better toward the end of the week, I did something to my hips and quad muscles. It might have been another weird sleep thing, but I knew I had to go easy on my body. I guess I should be grateful that I am used to working with limitations because I was still able to get some good work done this past week.

Monday’s workout was a very interesting class. When you were on the treadmills you had cardio/floor work and the other half of class was doing rowing and cardio work. The pacing of things were determined by the person who started each block on the cardio side. We had 3 blocks on each side, but since we switch stations during the block it really felt more like 6 blocks on each side.

When you started on cardio, every time you started with a distance run (I was on the bike). There was a time limit 3 minutes for getting to the distance, but most of us were done in 2 minutes or under. After completing the distance, you headed to the floor. The first block had single arm neutral full thrusters and burpees. The second block had skater lunges and push ups. And the last block had hip hinge reverse flys and lunges. Everything in that block seemed to go by so quickly, but we made up for cardio time when we were doing the other half of the workout.

When you started on the rower, you rowed until the person on your treadmill was done with their distance. Then you switched to the treadmill (or bike) to be at base pace until the last 3 minutes of the block. Those last 3 minutes were a push pace, base pace, and all out pace. We repeated that for all 3 blocks we started on the rower. This workout was much more cardio and strength work, but it was a nice challenge to have and it felt very different from what I’m used to which made it fun.

Wednesday’s workout was an endurance day and we stayed in each section of the room for 15 minutes before switching so we had 1 lap around the room. For cardio, we had push paces to base paces for a few rounds. The push pace and base pace matched each time and we started with 2 minutes each and went down to 60 seconds each ending with a 30 second all out pace. I stuck with my normal resistance levels for the bike but tried to work with the speed a little. It wasn’t anything amazing, but I was able to just keep going which is sometimes all I can ask for in a workout.

On the rower, we started with a 250 meter row and then had arm raises using the mini-bands. Each time we were back on the rower we decreased the row but kept the arm raises the same. I decided to try using the medium mini-band for the arm raises to see if I could do it. Normally I would use the lightest one, but I was able to use the medium one without too much trouble. I could really feel the difference in how hard I was working, but it wasn’t so hard that I struggled with completing them. We don’t use the mini-bands that often, but I think I need to start using harder mini-bands with my arms.

For the floor, we had a really challenging workout. Normally, we do all the exercises in a block one after another so we don’t feel too exhausted or burned out. The idea of this workout was to get burned out. For all exercises we had 12, 10, 8, 6, and 4 reps; but we had to do all those rounds of each exercise before moving on to the next exercise. We had one leg squats using the bench, lunges, sumo squats, lunges with weights, and single arm shoulder presses. I sometimes would just try to do as many as I could in a set before a break and just made sure that they all added up to 40 reps (the total we had to do), but I also tried to split them up properly when I could. It wasn’t easy, but it was such a relief when we got to move on to the next exercise.

Friday’s workout was a power day, and even though we only had 1 lap around the room we had 4 little blocks on cardio and the rower which helped the time go by quicker. The blocks were the same length on both sides. We started at 2 minutes and then had 2 1/2, 3, and 3 1/2 minute blocks to follow.

For cardio, we started with a 1 minute push, 30 second base, and 30 second all out. Then we had a push before the all out. Then the base pace got longer for the last two blocks. My legs and hips were feeling the worst this day so it was a struggle to use the bike. I used my normal resistance levels but I was pedaling very slowly. Even my base pace resistance level felt like a hill to me and it was hard not to feel frustrated. I know that I didn’t pick to feel this way and doing something is better than nothing and I tried to focus on that as much as I could.

On the rower, every block started with a 200 meter row and then we had exercises with weights to finish out the block. First we had front raises and then each block we added on something else. We added hip hinge low rows, sumo squats to front raises, and shoulder presses. I might have gone a bit too heavy with the weights for this work but I really felt like I had to make up for what I didn’t get to do on the bike. And on the floor, we had one long block that had all medicine ball work. We started with woodchoppers and then had 3 rounds of lunges to tricep extensions and sit-ups to shoulder presses. Then we had more woodchoppers and rounds of side lunges to front presses and sit-ups to torso rotations. While my legs didn’t hurt too bad with this block, it wasn’t easy on my neck. I know that I have to go easy when my neck is feeling weird because it would be very bad to hurt my neck more. I took breaks when I needed them and tried to be very aware of my posture and how I was holding my body.

Saturday’s workout was a 3 partner workout and it was a special workout for Australia Day (although I don’t know how the workout connected to that). Also, while my neck was still a little sore my hips were feeling better so I was excited to work with partners and not scared I’d be holding them back.

We started with 3 minute blocks on each section of the room before we partnered up. We had a 3 minute run (or bike) for distance, 3 minute row for distance, and 3 minutes doing floor work ending with burpees until time was called. We had to remember our distances and how many burpees we did and then we got into groups of 3.

For a majority of the workout, we were doing the partner workout. Each of us was trying to match what we did in those 3 minute blocks and whoever finished first started the switch. So it could be the person on the floor, rower, or bike who finished first. I was lucky with my partners that we were all using the bike so that made things a bit easier. And I think we were equally matched so we all had our turn finishing first. The other exercises on the floor were lunges, bicycle crunches, plank punches, and full burpees. Since I use the bench for plank work, I did lose a little time getting that set up and put back each round (I didn’t want to keep it out as my partners needed that space to work). But on average we were switching every 3 minutes and it was a good amount of time to work hard before feeling exhausted.

My group did 3 rounds around the room (9 total switches) when the partner part of the workout was done. Then we had 3 blocks similar to how we started the workout, except this time we had 90 second blocks. The goal was to get half of what we were able to do when we had the 3 minute rounds at the beginning of the workout. I didn’t quite make it there on the bike, but I did make it there on the rower.

I’ll be honest, this recap was a bit of a struggle because I tried to do it without making excuses with my neck and hip issues. But I realized that those excuses were not to explain away why I was using the bike but why I might have had a tough time in the workouts. I still pushed through and was very proud of myself and I think that is what is most important to me.

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Default ThumbnailAn Up And Down Week (or Working Through The Same Frustrations) Default ThumbnailA Week Of Nauseous Workouts (or Just Doing My Best) Default ThumbnailA Week Back On The Bike (or Focusing On The Good) Default ThumbnailA Week Of Struggles (or Just Tolerating Things Sometimes) Default ThumbnailAnother Week Of Sick Workouts (or At Least I Did Something) Default ThumbnailTaking Things A Bit Easier (or No More Injuries)

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Getting Some Answers (or Allowing Myself To Be A Bit Of A Bitch)

Posted on May 17, 2018 | 1 comment

I wrote last month about how I had some unfortunate situations in online dating.  I had been seeing someone on and off for a little while when I got a Facebook message from a random account telling me he had a girlfriend. I sent the guy a screenshot about it and asked him if he knew what this was about and at the time I wrote my last post I hadn’t heard from him.

It’s been about a month since I messaged him and I finally heard back from him yesterday. I don’t need to go into too many details, but he basically admitted that he did have a girlfriend (although they started dating after the last time he and I saw each other in person) and that he was wrong for not telling me. He doesn’t deserve anything from me, but I agreed to talk to him on the phone. He wanted to explain things but that wasn’t my intention with the call.

Ever since I got that random Facebook message, I had questions I wanted answered. And in the month since that message, I’ve tortured myself thinking about what the answers could be and this phone call was my opportunity to get those answers. So I prepared for the call almost how I prepare for phone interviews for jobs.

I wrote down every question I had for him. There were plenty of questions that I knew the answers would hurt me, but I needed to hear it from him and not just have my imagination run wild. And I needed him to hear what I felt about him because he didn’t deserve to just think that everything was ok with us. When I looked back at my questions I wrote before he and I spoke on the phone, I thought that maybe I was being too harsh and mean.

But then I stopped myself. Why shouldn’t I be harsh and mean? Someone who I cared about (and I thought cared about me) hurt me and I had a chance to get answers. I didn’t care anymore about what he thought about me so if he felt like I was being a bitch after asking these questions that was fine with me. This phone call wasn’t for him even though he felt like I was doing him a favor. This was for me to say my peace when I haven’t had that chance in the past.

And the call went pretty close to what I expected. I was screaming and saying some very tough things for him to hear. I was emotional and I didn’t care. I made him listen to me and I forced him to answer the questions I needed answers to. I didn’t get everything I wanted out of the call, but I got more than I had before and that was something I needed. It didn’t quite give me a sense of closure, but it gave me a sense of power when I had felt powerless the month prior.

He and I had some deep conversations when we had been together and he knew that I struggled with a family member telling me that I was never worthy of good things. And I got to tell him that even though I know it’s not the truth, he made me feel like it was true because he didn’t seem to respect me enough to tell me the truth. I only found out the truth from a random person. And while he claims he would have told me the truth soon, I doubt that.

The call lasted about 30 minutes and we agreed that there were still more things that needed to be said between us so there will probably be another conversation. He says he needs to have me forgive him (which I don’t know when or if I can do that) and I need him to admit to his mistakes so that I can regain some more power. I need to believe that this has nothing to do with me. And I know it doesn’t, but I don’t quite believe it yet.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you all this story. This was a huge step for me. In the past, I’ve been treated horribly by men and either let it slide or just ended things without explaining what I felt. This time, I had the chance to force someone to hear what I was feeling. And even with having that chance it was a step to actually take it and go through with it. It wasn’t easy hearing some of the things he had to say, but it would have been harder not hearing anything at all. And I have learned that sometimes one way of being hurt is easier to deal with than another way of being hurt.

There is no denying that I’m hurt (and he admitted that he didn’t realize how much this hurt me until he heard it in my voice) and I’m glad I’m acknowledging these feelings. I felt stupid to feel almost heartbroken over a guy that was never a serious relationship. But even without us being serious, we did care about each other and I felt betrayed by him. I have every right to have these feelings and I don’t think I was letting myself feel that way until this call. During the call I felt worse than I had in the past month, but after the call I finally felt something release from me. I’m still mad, but it’s not as bad as it was before.

After I got off this phone call, I was able to talk to a friend of mine. I needed to be talked down from how crazy I was feeling and just needed to vent and rant. And thankfully my friend totally understood that and didn’t try to interject with any advice. She just listened and told me to honor the feelings I was having. She reminded me that this was just the stupidity of one guy and it really had nothing to do with me. She told me that I deserve so much more than what I got and I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that what happened to me wasn’t representative of me in any way. This was just something that happened to me and it was only representative of the guy.

I know that this non-relationship can’t define who I am. It is just something that happened to me (and will make an interesting story in the book I’m writing) and I will be past this soon. And it reminded me yet again that I am so lucky to have the friends that I have and that even if I don’t have romantic love in my life that I have friendship love. And that love is more powerful and meaningful to me.

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Default ThumbnailWorking On Some Second Chances (or Trying To Stay Open Minded) Default ThumbnailMore Thoughts On Online Dating (or Not Letting My Past Dictate My Future) Default ThumbnailDoing Some More Dating Reflection (or It’s Been An Interesting Year) Default ThumbnailFinding Some More Control (or How Medical Stuff and Dating Stuff Are Alike) Default ThumbnailMRI Again (or Hoping For Some Answers) Default ThumbnailNot Blaming Myself (or Still Learning From Online Dating)

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Not Blaming Myself (or Still Learning From Online Dating)

Posted on April 27, 2018 | 3 comments

I’m so sorry there have been so many posts about online dating lately! It feels like lately my life has become a soap opera and I’m not used to dealing with all the ridiculousness I’ve encountered. And since so many things in this adventure are new to me, I’m still trying to figure out how to handle certain situations. It feels like I’m a teenager in some ways but I also know from talking to my friends that they would be reacting the same way I’ve been reacting.

Unfortunately lately I’ve had some not great situations happen to me. And it would be so easy to blame myself for what happened, but I also know that I didn’t do anything that would make that real. But it’s tough to tell myself not to feel at fault when that’s how my mind works.

One situation ended up resolving pretty well. I had a few dates with a guy and then things got awkward and our communication slowed down significantly. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but my first thought was that he obviously found out something about me that he didn’t like or he never found me attractive. My default thought is to think that there is something wrong with me that is causing someone to either not be interested or stop being interested. But once this guy and I had a chance to sit down and talk, I found out he was blaming himself for the situation too and was dealing with the same thoughts. It’s almost funny how it turned out because we were thinking the same thing and it was a relief to talk things out. We get along really well and are just now trying to figure out if we are meant to be friends or something more. But it’s nice to have that stress off my mind now.

Another situation is still making me feel like I’m to blame a little bit even though I know that can’t be truth. I’ve been seeing someone on and off for quite a while now. It was never serious or exclusive and we were open with each other about that. He knew that I had dates with other guys and I assumed he had dates with other women (although he claimed he hadn’t). I thought we were being honest with each other and that’s one of the reasons I think we were able to be on and off with each other without too much effort.

But last week, I got a message on Facebook from a random account that said this guy had a girlfriend and I should stay away from him. I didn’t know what to think and I took some time before I did anything. Eventually, I took a screenshot of the message and sent it to the guy asking if he knew who was messaging me. I wasn’t as much concerned about the girlfriend thing (although it meant he was lying to me at some point), but I didn’t know who he told about me and who had my information.

I still haven’t heard back from the guy. I’m guessing at this point that he does have a girlfriend and I called him out on it. I don’t think he had a girlfriend the entire time he and I had been on and off, but the fact that he was lying and claiming he hadn’t gone out with anyone since we met isn’t ok with me at all.

Looking back at this and writing this out, I think it’s pretty obvious that I did nothing wrong. Even he going out with other women wasn’t wrong since we had discussed that we weren’t exclusive. But somehow I blamed myself briefly for him lying. This is a ridiculous idea, but in my head I was thinking that I must have done something that made him feel like he should lie to me. But in reality, this guy is just not a nice guy and did something wrong.

I’ve gone through this blame idea or the idea that I’m not worthy of someone respecting me before. It’s something I’m working on getting over. And with this recent situation, I’m seeing progress. While the first thought in my head was trying to figure out what I did wrong, I pretty much immediately realized that was a stupid thought and I was blaming myself for someone else’s lies. I know that I did nothing wrong and didn’t deserve to be treated like this. It still hurts to know that someone who I thought respected me clearly didn’t, but I think most people would have that same reaction even if they never thought they were to blame.

I don’t expect to ever hear back from that guy and that’s fine with me. Anything he would say to me would be an excuse for his behavior and I don’t really care about that. But even though this on and off dating situation came to an end that was pretty negative, I do feel like there are some positives that came out of it. And one of the biggest positives was the progress I had in not blaming myself for someone else’s actions. I knew immediately that I deserved better than what I had and I’m not trying to figure out how to fix this situation. I’m moving on and I know that I will find someone better and more worthy of my feelings. So for being able to realize that, I am grateful.

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Default ThumbnailYet Another Life Lesson From Dating (or Finding Power When Not In Control) Default ThumbnailAdventures In Online Dating (or My Luck Might Be Changing) Default ThumbnailMore Thoughts On Online Dating (or Not Letting My Past Dictate My Future) Default ThumbnailMore Ridiculousness In Online Dating (or I Think I’ve Been Ghosted) Default ThumbnailStaying Strong And Having Standards (or Still Learning From Dating) Default ThumbnailOnline Dating (or Finding Comedy in What’s Out There)

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An Off Week (or Being Ok Being Weak)

Posted on October 24, 2016 | Comments Off on An Off Week (or Being Ok Being Weak)

I had a weird week of workouts this past week. When I started the week, I had no idea that I would be getting so sick on Wednesday. But even though I was in the hospital that day, I still managed to get 3 workouts in (it was originally going to be a 4 workout week, but I’m proud of my 3).

Monday obviously was my best workout day. This was before I got sick and I was pushing myself quite a bit. It was a strength day and we didn’t switch between blocks, so I had a long time on the treadmill. I still am not running hills, but I decided to run the flat parts that I could and get my inclines as high as possible. We started the workout with a 2 minute push pace that I ran in full and we ended the treadmill time with a 1 minute push and 1 minute all out (both minutes were run). And in the middle we had 2 30 second all outs that I was able to run.

But besides those parts, I was walking the rest of the treadmill time. Hills are tough in general for me, so running hills is not a priority for me right now. I was keeping my inclines pretty high most of the time by averaging between 8-12% incline with my usual walking pace. The hills are starting to feel more like they did before I hurt my calf, so I was very happy with that. It’s been a long time since the hills felt like that, so I saw that as a huge improvement and something to be proud of.

The floor work was a bit tough for me. My abs were hurting (I thought it was because of the MRI, but I’m now wondering if it was something related to my current issue). When we were doing ab work, I was able to do it but things were tougher for me than normal. I wasn’t able to get up from being on the floor as easily as I usually can and I decided to be a bit careful with my weights for the rest of the floor work. I wasn’t going with really light weights, but I took it a bit easier than I probably would do on a strength day.

Wednesday’s workout didn’t happen because I was still in the hospital at that time and there was no way that I could go anywhere once I was done. I honestly thought that there was going to be a chance that I couldn’t do any more workouts for the week, but I decided that since the doctor I saw said I could work out once I was getting better I figured it was worth trying. I told myself that if I could only make it 10 minutes into the workout before I had to leave, that would be ok. So I kept my already scheduled Friday and Saturday workouts.

Friday was really a challenge for me. I know I must have been getting better, but it was hard to believe that. I was still hurting so much and there were only so many positions that my body could be in that made the pain go away. There was no way I was going to walk on the treadmill (even if I kept it really slow, I would be tempted to push myself more), so I went onto the bike. I kept the resistance very low and didn’t pedal too fast the entire time I was on there. It wasn’t easy, but I made it through.

Friday was a run/row day, and I think that was the best thing I could have had. I didn’t spend too long on the bike for a stretch and the rower had the ability to be a good way for me to stretch a bit. My bike time wasn’t fast, but I wasn’t pushing myself at all. I just wanted to make it through what I could. The rower wasn’t that great for me (crunching my body up was hurting my stomach), but I just did a bit of a lazy row and got all the meters in that I needed to. My coach knew I was dealing with health stuff, so he wasn’t pushing me that hard and kept checking in to make sure I was doing ok.

When we moved to the floor, I decided there was no point in me trying to use my normal weights. I needed to keep things easy, and that means easy weights too. So when I usually would use 15 or 20 pound weights, I was using 10. I felt a bit pathetic and weak, but I had to keep telling myself that I was feeling like crap and wasn’t letting that keep me from the gym. Most of the floor work was focused on arms, but there was some ab work as well. I knew the ab work wasn’t going to happen, so I just skipped that part and did more arm stuff. I ended up leaving class a bit early because the last 3 minutes was a core blast, and I knew I couldn’t do any of it. Plus, I was feeling a bit exhausted since that was my first real workout or movement since I got sick.

I went into Saturday a bit more optimistic. I knew I could do the bike and make it through a workout with significant modifications. It helped the nerves go away since I knew I could do it. I got on the bike again and even though it was a power day (my favorite) and there were a bunch of push and all out paces, I didn’t do any of that. I just tried to ride the bike at a steady resistance and cadence for the entire time. I did have to take some breaks (my stomach would hurt or I needed to stretch out a bit), but I did ride for a good amount of time. The computer on the bike stops when I stop, and in the end it said I was on it for 25 minutes. Not too shabby at all.

The floor work was a bit tougher for me, but I stuck with my Friday plan and used 10 pound weights again. We had a bit of squat work to do and I was modifying those and doing what I could. I was feeling my muscles working so even if I felt like I wasn’t doing much, I was doing something. We had some ab work that I skipped (like toe touches) and some ab work that I tried (mountain climbers which were very difficult but doable) and we had a bit of rowing as well. My stomach wasn’t hurting more at the end of the workout than it did in the beginning, so I consider that a victory.

This was not the workout week I was expecting to have. But I did my best to make it the best I could. I’m not disappointed in myself since I know that it would have been so easy to decide not to go at all. But I still wish I wasn’t hurting so I could have done more.

With Hell Week starting this week (and going through the beginning of next week), I’m still planning on doing all the workouts I have signed up for. I’m hoping that I won’t be in pain for all of the workouts and can really push myself to see what I can do, but if I have to be on restricted exercises I’m going to try to make the most of it. I want to earn my Hell Week shirt and I know what I need to get it!

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Default ThumbnailA Full Workout Week (or Sticking With My Plan) Default ThumbnailA Week On The Bike (or Ending My Year By Taking It A Bit Easy) Default ThumbnailHell Week Part 1 (or Not Pushing It Too Much) Default ThumbnailA 4 Workout Week (or Only A Few More Weeks Of 2015 Workouts) Default ThumbnailBusy Workout Week (or Maybe Overdoing It A Bit) Default ThumbnailTaking It Easy (or Trying Not To Be Hard On Myself)

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