I think most people have heard of Sarah Everard by now. But if you haven’t, she was a woman who was walking home in London and went missing. She did everything you are supposed to do when walking home. She stayed on well-lit roads, even if it took her longer to get home that way. She let people know she was on the way home. Yet, a police officer saw her, kidnapped her, and murdered her.
This story is not unique. It disgusts me that it’s something we hear of far too often. And what makes me even madder is what the conversation is like around what happened. People wonder what Sarah did wrong. They ask why she was walking alone. They want to know what she was wearing so they can blame the victim for her own murder. And women are sharing the dozens of safety tips that they do to stay safe to help others stay safe. And then there are the people who are saying that women shouldn’t be out on the street at night or alone.
All of this reaction is putting the blame on the victim. No matter what she was doing or wearing, she did not deserve to be murdered. Why are people trying to blame her for what happened and not the accused murderer for what he did? The reaction shouldn’t be what women need to do to be safe. It should be on the men who are usually behind attacks like this.
I’m aware that it’s not always men who are the attackers, but it’s a very high percentage. And yes, not all men are attackers. But women don’t know what man is a safe guy and who will snap and attack. So many women are talking about what they do because of the fear that we were raised with. And I’m not an exception to that.
I do so many things to stay safe in my life. When I’m home, my doors and windows are always locked. I even have extra protection on my windows so they cannot be opened from the outside if the locks fail. I also now have a camera at my door that records anyone who comes near my front door so I don’t have to open it if I don’t recognize the person. When I’m in my car, I immediately lock the doors whenever I get inside. I lock them before I even start the car. If I have the option to park somewhere that there isn’t a car next to me, I will do that. I typically walk with my keys in my hand.
When I go out on dates, I have even more precautions. I always will tell at least one friend about the date. They get a screenshot of the guy’s profile so they have a photo of them. I text my friend the guy’s first and last name, phone number, where I’m meeting them, and what time I’m supposed to meet them. I also will text if I end up going somewhere else (like when I start a date at a bar and we end up going to dinner). And I will text when I’m on my way home. I also usually tell the guy that I’m giving their information to a friend in case something happens. I figure if the guys know that someone has their information, then maybe if they were considering doing something wrong they won’t since it will be easy to catch them.
Even with all the things I do to be safe, I’m not always as safe as I’d like to be. I’ve been grabbed and groped before. I’ve had dates where I was terrified and hid somewhere so the guy couldn’t see where my car was because I didn’t want to be followed. I’ve had an employee from where my date was at walk me to my car because I didn’t want to walk alone.
Do I like feeling like I always have to be on edge? No. I hate it. And I hate that this is how most women are raised to act. And I don’t think many men have realized what we do to be safe until someone tells them something. And there are too many men who react to women protesting by saying not all men are evil like the attackers. But that’s not the point.
Men need to start holding each other accountable for their actions. If they see someone acting in a way that isn’t right, they shouldn’t be silent. If a guy sees a friend saying how they are going to walk up to a woman and not leave her alone until she agrees to go out with him, they shouldn’t watch it happen. And they need to realize the fear that so many of us live in each day. I’ve seen some guys post about how they are going to make sure that it never seems like they are following a woman on a street. If they happen to be walking behind them, they might cross the street or take another way. I understand that everyone might not understand why a guy should have to do that, but I know how worried I am if a guy is walking behind me and I don’t know if they are just walking or if they are following me. Taking away that worry is something simple that means a lot.
The reaction to what happened to Sarah and so many other women is not to tell women how to be even safer than what they have been doing. The only way that Sarah could have stayed safe would be if she was in her home and never went outside. And for many women, even being home doesn’t keep them safe because men have broken into homes after following someone. Blaming the victims for not being safe enough isn’t going to stop these attacks. Holding men accountable for their actions and not saying things like “boys will be boys” when they do something wrong is what we need to do.
I’m tired of hearing people saying things like “if only she wasn’t walking alone”, “she should have walked with a male friend”, “she was asking for it with that outfit”, “if she knew self-defense, she would have fought him off”, and other things like that. Let’s start by saying that the men who do these things are to blame and that we cannot let them get away with their actions without holding them accountable. And that’s not the only thing we need to do, but it will be a start.
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