Between some not fun health issues and some not fun dating issues, I haven’t been in the best mindset lately. I’ve been trying to stay positive and believe that things are going to be ok, but I think sometimes you just have to allow yourself to be in a bad mood to help get past it. I don’t love being in a mood like this and I would prefer to be in a “fake it until you make it” mindset and try to believe that things are good, but it’s just not working for me right now.
Usually I’m able to focus on something positive that’s happening in my life but this time it seems like when I try to do that something negative happens there. I was trying to focus on how I’m lucky to have my jobs and I’m doing the social media management job that helps me make up some of the money I’m not getting with the reduced hours with one of my other jobs. But then there was a major site-wide issue with one of my jobs that had us dealing with endless customer issues (and nothing we could tell them to fix it since we were waiting on someone higher up to fix the website). And I found out this week that my social media management job ended this week. I knew the original contract I did with them was for only a month, but I was hopeful it would go on longer. But I understand why it ended and I’m trying to be hopeful that they will bring me back on when they try to do it again.
It’s weird to allow yourself to be in a dark place. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed or anything, but for sure I’m in a darker mood than my normal mood. And just to make myself clear, I’m not in any risk of harming myself or doing anything like that. I know that for some people being in a dark place makes it risky for them to be alone. I’m not thinking of hurting myself. I’m more in a mood where I’m just mad at the world and really wish I could punch something and not hurt myself. I’ve tried punching pillows or other soft things, but it’s not the same and I’m not risking breaking my hand to punch a wall.
I’ve been feeling this cycle of darkness coming for a little while and I think I just hit my breaking point with it yesterday. In some way, allowing myself to wallow in self-pity is making things better. I’m acknowledging the feelings I’ve got and I’m hoping that just letting it happen will make it go by faster. But I’m also aware that this might take a few days to get through. I know I will get through it, but sometimes in the middle of it you feel like it will be endless. But if I’m being honest with myself, I only started allowing myself to feel this way yesterday (and I felt it coming on for 2-3 days before that), so it hasn’t been forever. And even writing this all out is a bit therapeutic for me and the desire to punch a wall isn’t as strong as it was a few minutes ago.
I know that I’m lucky that I am mentally healthy enough that I am able to get through these temporary funks. I know that if I wasn’t in as good of a mindset, this could kick off something worse or lasting a long time. But I know that it will be over soon and I will be looking back at this time as a temporary blip in what is usually a pretty awesome life. And I know I have a pretty awesome life (I just realized that between this year and next I’m scheduled to go to 16 musicals!). And before I know it, I’ll be back to normal and can focus on the positive things again and let the little negative things roll off my back.
But for now, I’m letting the funk take over a bit and am enjoying spending time on my couch watching Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, and HBO Go to help distract me from what is bugging me.
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