In a month, it will be 1 year since things shut down in California. I know the pandemic didn’t necessarily start when things shut down, but that’s the date most people seem to be using. I remember before things shut down how we knew about COVID and that it was starting to appear here, but we didn’t think it was going to get that bad.
I remember very clearly being at the baby shower for my nephew and how we were talking about cases but there weren’t any thoughts about it getting severe here. Nobody was wearing masks, we were crowded into a small room, and there was a big crowd. The idea of it almost makes me anxious thinking back at what we were doing and how little we were worried. That was only 11 months ago. And shortly after the baby shower, everything changed.
While I never thought of this weird time as something fun or interesting, it was a bit of a novelty at first. I think everyone who used to work in offices was getting a kick out of working from home. I was happy to share any tips and tricks I had learned from working from home for years. People who lost their jobs didn’t seem too worried at first because they seemed like temporary layoffs. I remember when my Orangetheory studio shut down, they were saying it would probably be open again in a month. We all assumed this time would be a brief blip and we’d be back to what felt normal to us before we knew it.
And I know there are people out there that haven’t had too many changes in their lives. There are some people who didn’t really have a choice and still had to go to work even if they didn’t feel safe, like grocery store employees. And there are others who either didn’t believe this was as bad as people said or they didn’t care and they continued living their lives normally with no concern about safety.
While I thought of the lockdown as a bit of a novelty at first, I was also terrified. I hated that I was alone and so far from family. I didn’t have a way to have someone come stay with me and the options for me to stay with others weren’t ones that would work with me. I know I thought about maybe going to Tahoe to be with my parents for a bit of time, but I kept thinking I didn’t want to be gone once things opened up in LA and I could get back to my regular life again. Plus, it’s a long drive to do and I wasn’t going to fly.
After I lost my job, I had some time where I felt lost. I didn’t have much keeping me to a schedule. I had nothing I had to do at specific times and could just do whatever I wanted. I know I wasted a lot of time then doing nothing productive and getting into some bad habits. Some of those bad habits are still things I’m trying to break right now. But I am grateful that I have something to do most days and I have to be forced to create a schedule for myself again. It’s still a struggle, but I’m getting better at it (and that’s why it’s my challenge this month).
But the main thing I think about when I think back on the past 11 months is that I feel like I just wasted a year of my life. I know I didn’t do that, but it really does feel that way. I spent the past 11 months feeling stuck in time. And yes, I got a new job and had some changes to an old job that will be very good for me in the future, but that’s all I feel like I’ve accomplished. I haven’t made any movement forward in my fitness and weight loss goals (and I’ve really gone backward). I know my eating disorder is in a worse spot because of how we have to limit going to the grocery store so I have to keep more food in my house than I’d like to. I haven’t experienced anything new or exciting. And I feel like I’ve lost a year of trying to date and find my person. And because I still got a year older while I was trapped at home, that could possibly cause issues for me if I want to have kids in the future. My fertility didn’t pause like everything else in my life did.
I’ve joked that it’s not fair that any of us had birthdays last year. None of us should have to be a year old. I want to get my year back. But at the same time, I worry about how long it will take for me to feel safe and comfortable again even when this pandemic is done. How long will it take before I can trust that going out won’t make me sick? Will I be hesitant to go meet up with friends or go on a date if I don’t know if they’ve been out with a lot of other people? The only thing I’m not too worried about getting back is going to my workouts, but even that makes me nervous because of how I’m not worried. I don’t want to go back to working out and then that’s the reason I get sick.
I know we still have a ways to go before we can say this pandemic is over. Some estimates say this summer, some say by the end of the year. So there is a chance that I will lose almost 2 years of my life to being isolated due to the pandemic. I hope that’s not the case, but I also know that I can’t do anything to make this end faster besides staying at home so I’m not the reason others get sick.
Sorry if this was a random and rambling post. While I’m doing better mentally than I have in the past in many ways, I’m also still struggling with thinking about how long I’ve been doing this and what I haven’t been able to do. I hate feeling trapped in time, but that’s exactly how I feel. And when you live alone, it’s hard because sometimes it feels like you are the only one trapped and everyone else is out and living their lives like normal.
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