Tag Archives: dating

A Story I Didn’t Know If I Would Share (or Having Complicated Feelings About People)

Posted on January 31, 2020 | Comments Off on A Story I Didn’t Know If I Would Share (or Having Complicated Feelings About People)

I know that the news all over the world has been covering the helicopter crash that killed Kobe Bryant and 8 others. I’m guessing the news in LA might be covering it a bit more since it is a local story and Kobe Bryant was a huge figure in this city. I don’t have a lot to say about the death besides how awful it was and that it’s so sad that so many families lost someone. I’ve never really watched basketball so I haven’t necessarily followed Kobe through his entire career. But I knew who he was and what he meant to the entire city.

But since the news of his death, there has been another side to Kobe’s life that was brought back up. And that’s the story of the sexual assault allegation against him.

I was aware that he was accused of assault and I know that Kobe wasn’t a perfect person. He admitted as such. But to see some people saying how it is wrong to be sad that he died because of what he did hasn’t been sitting right with me. People are complicated and nobody is completely perfect. And to demonize someone, especially after death, for one thing they did in their life doesn’t feel right. People are allowed to say that this happened and that perhaps the woman who accused him of assault is going through a rough time seeing his name all over the news and not being able to escape that. But at the same time, he was more than someone accused of assault and there are so many people mourning his life. There is nothing wrong with being sad about the loss of something who meant a lot. And there’s nothing wrong about having conflicting feelings about how to react because of his past. But I disagree with people who say that being sad is disrespectful to the woman he assaulted.

With so many people bringing the assault story back up again, I looked more into what happened. It was a huge story back then and I heard so many people talking about it. A lot of what I remember hearing about the story was how he was a cheater for being unfaithful to his wife and not as much about what happened to the woman he assaulted. I remember the case was dismissed, but I never really thought too much about it. So I probably only knew a few main points about what happened and not really the full story. But after reading about what happened, I didn’t realize how close to home this story would be.

The story I’m about to write is one that I questioned if I should ever share. A few people know that this happened to me, including my therapist. I’m ok and I’ve processed it. But I feel like I’ve processed it a different way after looking into the story of Kobe’s assault, his statement after it happened, and how people are treating it now.

Almost 2 years ago, I was assaulted on a date. This wasn’t the first time this has happened in my life, but it was the most recent and the one that I think sticks out the most in my mind. And the thing about it was that it took me a long time to even realize that I was assaulted. For a long time, I just thought I had a bad date. I feel weird calling it an assault because I still have complicated thoughts about what happened. But what I do know is that I did not want something to happen and because I wasn’t able to say no that it did. According to many people, that is assault. Even if that feels like too extreme of a word for what happened to me.

I don’t feel the need to go into a ton of details of exactly what happened. But I was on a second date with someone who I wasn’t sure I was interested in. He was aware that I wasn’t sure about him and that maybe he and I were meant to just be friends. He seemed willing to take things slow to see what would happen. Our second date ended up being hanging out at his place to watch a movie. I felt safe going over to his place, plus a friend had the information of where I would be. And for the first few hours, everything was fine.

We were cuddling on the couch when he decided to make the next move. I do not remember exactly what happened, but I do remember freezing. I didn’t say no and I didn’t fight him off. But I know that I didn’t say yes. But I’m guessing that because I didn’t say no or fight him, he assumed that meant I gave consent. There were no obvious signs that I didn’t want him to do that, but I also didn’t give him any signs that I did want to.

This is the reason why I believe the idea of “no means no” is wrong. I fully believe the guy who assaulted me feels that it was consensual. I actually feel a bit guilty that he has no clue that I did not want to do this and that he thought I was a willing partner.

My mind has blocked out a lot of what happened that night, but I do remember that I was laying in his bed wondering how I was going to leave several hours later. I was still worried for some reason about being rude. I don’t know why I cared about being polite, but I did. I remember waiting there and the alarm on my phone finally going off. And once my alarm went off I felt like that gave me a way to leave. I made some sort of excuse about having to be somewhere in the morning and left. I unmatched with him after that and never spoke to that guy again. And for a long time, I blamed myself and felt like it was a bad date and that’s it.

It was 6 months after that happened that I told a friend that story and they looked horrified. They said that it was assault because I never consented. I tried to tell them they were wrong, but the more I think about it the more I realize that’s true. But I never really did much about it.

I wasn’t going to report him because I do believe that he thinks that everything was fine. So many people don’t realize that a lack of consent is an issue because they only think they need to worry if someone says no. If I heard about him being accused of multiple assaults, then I might go speak to someone. But for now, my decision isn’t to do anything and I am ok with that. I don’t need anyone else to be ok with it.

When I was reading the story of what happened with Kobe, so many parts seemed the same as my story. She thought it was assault and he thought it was consensual. People questioned if it could be assault because he didn’t say no or fight him off. She participated in what happened even if she didn’t want to. People said she didn’t look upset after it happened so they didn’t think anything bad could have happened.

And reading Kobe’s statement expressed what I would hope the man who assaulted me would say if he was ever confronted with what I think. While Kobe believed it was consensual, he has since learned that it was not. He didn’t question why his accuser did what she did and he expressed remorse about what happened. I know some people say that it wasn’t a truthful statement from him and he was doing it to look better, but I choose to believe that he believed what he said and that he did rethink what happened that night.

I don’t necessarily have a point to sharing my story other than to say that this happens and that assault can be complicated. Even I struggle with the idea that this was assault and not somehow my fault. I struggle with guilt that I somehow am hiding something from the person who did this to me and that he should know because he has a right to know that it was wrong. And to say that the situation that happened with Kobe and his accuser is simple is probably not accurate. And because it was complicated, people can have complicated feelings about it. We shouldn’t judge other people by how they feel about a particular situation. We shouldn’t judge someone by how they react to an assault and we shouldn’t judge someone by how they react to a death.

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Default ThumbnailWorld Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open) Default ThumbnailMe Too (or We Need To Stop Normalizing Sexual Assault) Default ThumbnailContinuing To Share My Experiences (or This Is Going To Be Vague) Default ThumbnailPeople Don’t Get It (or My Comment On The Dear Fat People Video) Default ThumbnailSupporting A Friend (or Another Story I Haven’t Talked About Before) Default ThumbnailStanding Up For Myself (or A Bad But Funny Date Story)

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Posted in Tough Stuff

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Not Sure What This Guy Was Thinking (or When Being A Rule Breaker Doesn’t Pay Off)

Posted on December 10, 2019 | Comments Off on Not Sure What This Guy Was Thinking (or When Being A Rule Breaker Doesn’t Pay Off)

Time for another dating post. But this one isn’t a big revelation or a huge story. It’s just the story of one guy and what happened over 2 days. And maybe someone else will be able to explain to me what happened because I’m still very confused.

As the story usually goes with guys I meet on dating apps, we matched and because it was on Bumble I had to send a message first. We started messaging back and forth about a lot of different things and it seemed like we had a lot in common. The only negative about this guy was that he only lived part of the time in LA (the rest of the time he lived in NYC). But that wasn’t enough for me to not want to keep messaging with him and the day after we started messaging I mentioned that it would be nice to meet up.

Fortunately, he agreed but he also had a long workday that day. He said he works in Burbank and we could either meet up in Burbank right when he was done with work or he could come to my side of town a few hours after work. I didn’t want to be out too late, so I decided that I would drive to his side of town.

I almost never do this for a first date anymore. I have learned from past experience that I would rather be closer to my side of town in case the date goes poorly. I have left dates after only a few minutes before and it’s really annoying to have to drive an hour there or back when the date only lasts a fraction of that time. But I was feeling optimistic about this guy so I figured I could break my own rule and it would be fine. He seemed like a good guy and he was being really respectful in our messages. When I asked him for his last night to give to my friend for safety, he said he had never been asked for his last name before going on a date but that he thought it was a really smart idea. I shared a screenshot of that part of our conversation with friends saying how awesome it was that he was being a gentleman.

We kept messaging throughout the day and when I was getting ready to drive over there I gave him a heads up. He had suggested a bar we could meet at and that worked for me. I let him know approximately what time I was supposed to arrive so he wasn’t sitting there and waiting too long for me, and he said that was fine. I told him I was starting the drive so he wouldn’t be concerned if I wasn’t responding to any messages he sent. He thanked me for the heads up and told me that he’d see me at the bar soon.

The drive over there was only a little bit faster than my GPS predicted. But it still took me an hour to get there and I was so happy to find a parking spot so I could message this guy and let him know I was there and would head inside the bar. But when I went to Bumble to message him, the match was gone.

Bumble is one of the apps that shows you the difference between someone deleting their profile and someone unmatching you. Because it didn’t see the messages with the heading “deleted profile”, I knew he had unmatched with me. But I honestly have no clue why.

I guess there is a chance that he did message me while I was driving and he got offended or worried when I didn’t respond and he thought I wasn’t going to show up. I also wondered if he wasn’t actually single and he was having second thoughts about being a cheater (while I would appreciate him for doing that, a heads up would be nice). But what I’m assuming is that this was all a joke or a prank to him. Maybe he wanted me to feel rejected or sad that someone I thought was interested didn’t show up. Maybe he thought I would go into the bar without checking Bumble to see if we were still matched and I’d be sitting at the bar waiting for him and I would be stood up. But instead of me feeling rejected, I was pissed.

I was so mad at the situation that I was shaking. I didn’t feel safe to drive home so I called a friend to vent about the situation. I needed to tell someone what happened and try to calm down. And while I did get a bit more upset as I shared the story, I finally started to calm down. My friend didn’t have a clue why this guy did this to me either, so while I was calming down I was still confused. I thought about staying on that side of town to do something so the drive wouldn’t be wasted, but at that point, I just wanted to go home and decompress.

The drive home was a bit faster than the drive there, which was nice. And once I was home I turned on my tv to watch something fun on my DVR to be in a better mood before going to bed. By the time I went to bed, I was still a little angry about the entire thing but I was much more confused. And now, I’m just confused about what the point was for the guy.

If this was supposed to be a joke or a prank, it was unfinished because I didn’t go into the bar and feel stood up. If he wanted me to feel that way, he should have messaged me saying he was inside so I would have gotten out of my car to go inside to try to find him. It’s almost sad that he couldn’t follow through with a prank if that’s what it was and I know that I’m better for not wasting more time on a date with this guy.

There’s no big life lesson from this date other than the rules I set for myself are good and I should stick to them. I’ve been good about not giving out my number until I meet a guy (you don’t want to give your number to a scammer), but I need to be better about not driving out of my way for a date. And this non-date really proved to me that the rule is a smart one and this is what might happen if I don’t follow it.

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Ignoring The Voices In My Head (or Not Letting Dates Get Me Down)

Posted on November 22, 2019 | Comments Off on Ignoring The Voices In My Head (or Not Letting Dates Get Me Down)

I feel like I have a dating update post each month. But I guess that’s a result of continuing to put effort into dating and not taking a break or giving up. I don’t have any big updates or news, just the usual about random dates that I went on and what happened.

Nothing horrible has happened recently, but there have been things that stung a bit or made me doubt myself. I had a few matchest that made plans with me and then immediately unmatched with me or unmatched with me right before we were supposed to meet. I don’t get what the game is behind that, but it’s annoying and it does make me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I had a date a few weeks ago with a guy that I had zero chemistry or interest in once we met. He wasn’t showing any personality and really felt like a waste of my time. But he also seemed very interested in me and it made me question why someone who acted like that was the type of person I attracted.

And then I had a date that has a similar story to one I told recently. It wasn’t exactly the same and it didn’t sting as much, but I had another date that seemed like it went well and I was really enjoying the time we spent together. We met up for a drink and we had a lot to talk about and we didn’t have a lot of awkward moments. He does magic as a hobby and we had a really fascinating discussion about magic and its history and longevity. It was so nice having a conversation that didn’t feel superficial even if it wasn’t about something serious. And it seemed like he was interested in me. When our date ended, I mentioned how I’d like to meet up again and he said the same. He texted me after the date to make sure I made it home safely and said he would let me know when he was free over the next few days so we could see each other again.

The next day, I get a message from him saying that he enjoyed the time we had the night before and talking with me. But he wanted to be honest and he didn’t believe we were a good fit for each other. I messaged back saying that I appreciated the honesty and hoped that he found his perfect match. And I tried not to think too much about it.

But my brain went so many different directions. Why did he say he would let me know when we could see each other again if he didn’t want to see me again? Or, what changed between him writing me that message and him deciding we weren’t a good match? What about me made him not want to see me again? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better to not get rejected? What did he feel made us not a good match and is there a way I could fix it?

Even though I wasn’t completely sure if this was the right guy for me, I couldn’t help but think what is wrong with me and not that there is something not right for us to be a match. I wonder if I’m really unlovable and unwanted like I was told when I was younger by someone. I put the blame on not being a good match completely on me and assume it can’t have anything to do with him. But I know that isn’t necessarily true because I have felt like people weren’t a good match when it isn’t totally because of them. Sometimes you just aren’t a match and it’s nobody’s fault and it is just the way it is. And I can believe that when I’m the one rejecting someone and not the person being rejected.

I’m lucky that I have amazing friends that remind me that the things my brain is telling me aren’t the truth. They remind me that I don’t want to waste my time with someone who isn’t completely interested in me and that I deserve someone who feels like I am the perfect match for them. They tell me that I shouldn’t have to see what I need to change about myself to be a match for someone. When I meet the right person, I will be right for them the way that I am and I won’t have to fit into something that they want. Hopefully, when I meet the right person it will be easy and I won’t worry about what I did wrong or right when I meet them. I know I’m not perfect and that’s not what I’m saying. But I want to believe that my true self will be what someone else is looking for and I won’t have to change who I am to make them want to be with me.

I don’t know if I will ever stop hearing the voices in my head telling me that the reason why dating isn’t going the way I hoped it would be is all my fault. Or when I’m rejected it’s because of who I am. But I can try to quiet those statements as much as I can and listen to the people who are telling me the truth to make the truth louder in my head than the lies I still believe for some reason.

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Finding Little Things To Make Me Happy (or Shopping And Text Groups)

Posted on November 8, 2019 | Comments Off on Finding Little Things To Make Me Happy (or Shopping And Text Groups)

I have been in a bit of a down mood lately. To me, this is obvious in the posts that I have been writing. But it took me a while to be in a place where I want to work out of the funk. I know that this is probably due to a few different factors, some of which I have no power over and can’t control. And just fixing the ones I’m in control of (such as getting enough sleep) hasn’t been enough to make me feel better. I’ve had more depressive episodes before, so I knew this wasn’t anything serious. But I still don’t enjoy being in a down mood for an extended period of time.

I finally was ready to work on fixing this over the past few days. It’s not easy to get yourself out of a bad mood, but I wanted to work on it where I could. Like I said before, getting enough sleep has been a big fix I’ve been needing to work on. I still am struggling a bit with falling asleep when I should, but at least now I’m getting to bed at a more appropriate time and not staying up doing other things until very late. But since this wasn’t enough of an improvement, I’ve been working on finding other things that I know make me very happy.

Fortunately, it’s the time of year for me to do some gift shopping for my family. I bring Hanukkah presents for my family to Thanksgiving, so I only have a few weeks left to do my shopping. But because I’m a bit crazy, I had gift ideas as soon as I had bought their gifts last year. A few gifts have changed since then, but I’ve been having so much fun doing some shopping and trying to figure out the perfect gifts to get for everyone. I’m also bringing birthday presents for my parents to Thanksgiving to give them those early since I had ideas for those as well.

If I had unlimited money, I would spend so much buying presents for other people. I get so much joy out of finding the perfect gift and seeing how happy it makes someone. I do have to be careful with how much money I spend on presents, but I will always find a way to get presents for my family. I don’t have to get them expensive things if they are creative. And I seem to be good at finding unique and creative gifts. I have all the presents picked out now for my family, and I’m already so excited to give them what I got and see how much they like them. (sorry dad, if you are reading this and were hoping to get some hints of what I got you)

And while I haven’t been feeling particularly social while I’ve been down, I do still crave being social a bit. Going out isn’t always the best option when I’m in a mood, but texting can still keep me from feeling isolated. And I’ve really been enjoying different group texts that I’m a part of as well as texting with my friends individually.

One of my text groups is with my friends from Orangetheory. We have always been a bit silly in that group so that is appreciated no matter if I’m in a good mood or bad mood. We will share random GIFs and memes and joke around about the workouts. We aren’t always in the same class together (and one friend in the group doesn’t live in LA anymore), but it is nice to have workout friends to chat with even if we aren’t in class. I’ve got another texting group with other Orangetheory friends, but those aren’t as active as the main one I’m in.

I also started a text group for women in the online dating FB group I’m a part of. I created it for safety because not everyone has a friend that they can use as an online dating safety buddy as I do. The text group is for us to share the information of who we are meeting and where just as a safety measure. And we check back into the group when the date is done and we are safe. I don’t love that we have to be so cautious, but it’s necessary and I’m glad we have a safe space with no judgment. I am glad I’ve always had a friend that I can use for this and not worry about what she thinks, but I’m even more glad now that I’ve created a space for others to use when they didn’t have someone. That group is very new so we haven’t had a lot of texting yet, but we have been sharing a bit of silly stuff as well. But what makes me happy about it is that I was able to start a group like that and feel like I have done something that would benefit others.

I can still feel a bit of my down mood lingering, but I’m so glad it’s starting to lift.  I have to stay aware because if I don’t keep working on it I know that things might go back to being down again. Knowing that I have some ongoing things that are making me feel better helps, but I’m going to keep working on finding more things that will bring me joy and make things feel more normal for me again.

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff, Shopping, Tough Stuff

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Not Sure How I Did With My Last Monthly Challenge (or Another Attempt At NaNoWriMo)

Posted on November 1, 2019 | Comments Off on Not Sure How I Did With My Last Monthly Challenge (or Another Attempt At NaNoWriMo)

When I set my monthly challenge for October to be working more on my acting career, I was so excited about the things I had in mind. I had some things in mind that were bigger plans that I knew would be things I would need to save up for, but there were several things I knew I could work on. And honestly, I don’t really know how much I succeeded or failed at my challenge.

I knew that I would have the convention and that would be a big acting related event. And it did help my career in many ways, but my plan was to try to do more than just that. I wanted to do some research into classes, work on organizing things to be ready when I have auditions, and schedule and hopefully take new headshots. And I did a little bit of research work (part of that includes my tv research), but I didn’t do a majority of what I wanted to.

I don’t want to make excuses for myself, but I know why this didn’t happen. First, I was dealing with money issues and that made me hesitant to plan for anything that would require money. I also didn’t expect to be as tired after the convention as I was and that took a lot out of me. Part of being tired (and another reason why I didn’t do much for my career) had to do with my grandma passing away. I’m grieving this loss very differently than I expected and I think part of that has been that it hasn’t fully hit me yet. When my grandpa passed away, I was with my family a few days later. When I have had friends pass away, it felt more real because of how I had been staying in touch with them. This time, I don’t know if it will fully hit me until Thanksgiving. But for the past few weeks, I’ve been just having this weird feeling that is almost like I have a bit of grief and sadness affecting other things. I’m ok and nobody needs to worry about me about being depressed or anything. This is just how I am processing it and it wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Obviously, working on my acting career is a challenge that isn’t going to stop just because it’s a new month. I need to work on this and keep working on this. I still want to accomplish the things I had in mind for last month, so I will keep making plans and trying to get them done. I do still have the same financial restrictions for now, but planning can be done without spending money. And for the things that will require money, I can take steps towards those too.

And for my monthly challenge this month, I’ll be repeating one I’ve done in November before. I’ll be working on writing a book. I’ve stopped working on the book about online dating that I was working on in the past because I didn’t like how it was coming together. And a few months ago, I had the idea to change the book to be more about life lessons I’ve been learning from online dating. I’ve been working on notes and organizing ideas for what these lessons are so that I could be ready to start working on the new book. And I’m planning on working on it this month.

I still do not think I will have a finished first draft for the book after the month is done because I don’t know if the book is done yet. I know that I will have more stories from online dating that haven’t happened yet, so I will want to add those as they do happen. But I want to get each section that I’ve got notes on right now written during the month. I don’t know if I want to work on one lesson/chapter each day that I write or just try to work a bit every day. I’m allowing myself to be flexible and see how it works best for me.

I feel much better about working on the book this time because I do have notes that help me see the flow of how the book can go. I have shifted lessons around so that it makes more narrative sense to me. And I’m excited to be able to write down some of the crazier stories that weren’t going to be in other versions of the book because they weren’t substantial enough. But now, I can’t put a bunch of stories together in one lesson if they work that way. I can’t wait to see what happens as I write and what I might be inspired to edit and change as I work on it.

I do also have an idea for a fiction book about dating that I have notes on, but I don’t have the same pull to work on it as I do with my life lessons book. I also think reflecting on the lessons I’ve learned will be a good thing for me and will remind me that even though dating hasn’t been going the way I wanted it to that I am getting some good things out of it.

Hopefully, when I do my update after the month is done I will have some great things to share about how the writing went. I have high expectations for myself since this is not the first time I have tried working on this. I know how I didn’t succeed before and want to make sure I don’t repeat those mistakes. And even though this book will still be a work in progress after the month is over, I want to feel like I’ve gotten a lot of work on it done and that it’s more of a book than a bunch of ideas.

Good luck to anyone else doing NaNoWriMo this month! I hope you get everything out of it that you are hoping for!

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Posted in Dating, Fun Stuff

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Dating Life Update (or I Guess I’m Lucky I’m Still Seeing Humor In This)

Posted on October 29, 2019 | Comments Off on Dating Life Update (or I Guess I’m Lucky I’m Still Seeing Humor In This)

It’s been a while since I’ve written much about any random adventures I’ve been having with dating or online dating. And that’s because there haven’t been any big developments. I’m still dating and finding a lot of the same struggles I’ve had for a while. I have noticed a few differences, but I feel like they are more about what I am learning about myself and not what I am learning about how to date or find the right guy for me.

I’m not fed up with dating (at least not yet), but it’s definitely testing me. I’m so tired of having the same things happen over and over again. And I know that they aren’t necessarily my fault. I keep finding men who are just in LA for vacation so they might be fun to meet up with for dinner but there’s no potential there. I find men who answer my innocent opening lines with something dirty and disgusting. On Bumble, women have to start texting. I usually have a simple opening line such as “Funny or scary movies?” and I get some fun answers. But then there are the few guys each week that answer it with something like naked movies or whatever they have filmed on a hidden camera in their bedroom.

Because my tolerance for things like that is going down, I’m unmatching with those guys right away and not feeling bad about it. They don’t need a second chance when they start a conversation like that. If they were someone I wanted to meet, I wouldn’t have such a negative reaction to what they wrote.

I’m also getting annoyed with men who either don’t seem to want to make plans to meet up or unmatch with me after planning a date. There’s only so much I can do to suggest meeting for coffee or a drink. If a guy won’t take the hint or won’t follow through, I don’t see the need to waste my time on them. I’m not looking for someone to text with, I’m looking to meet up and see what can happen. And I have encountered several men who make a plan to meet up and then the day of they unmatch for whatever reason. Maybe they changed their mind and didn’t feel like I needed to know, maybe they never wanted to meet up. I try not to take that rejection personally, but it’s hard not to think there is something wrong with me that made them do it.

I also went out with someone recently that I thought I really clicked with. We had a great first date that ended up lasting over 12 hours between meeting up, going for drinks, getting dinner, seeing a movie, and just talking to get to know each other. I was excited about a second date and he seemed to be as well. And while we were planning that second date, he said he didn’t want to go out again because he didn’t think we had a connection. Again, I tried not to take it personally but it wasn’t easy. But a friend put it in a different perspective for me. My friend said that if this guy couldn’t figure out if we had a connection while on a 12-hour date, I shouldn’t want to go out with him again because he’s not quick to pick up on things. I appreciated hearing that and it made me feel so much better about the situation.

But focusing on more positive things, I am trying to be more open to taking chances with dating. If I’m not 100% sure about a guy (maybe I don’t think they are my type or they have something in their profile I’m not sure about), I still am willing to meet in person since you never know. There are guys that I didn’t think I would like that I ended up going out with several times. And the same goes for guys I have gone out with before. I am willing to give guys from my past another chance as long as they didn’t do anything to hurt me before. If we just were in different places and that’s why we stopped seeing each other, then I am willing to try again if they want to. Of course, if they were rude to me or did something else that upset me, they don’t get a second chance no matter what.

And I’m still enjoying the various dating-related Facebook groups that I’m in. Many of the groups I’m in are about being single and not necessarily dating. They celebrate being single and dating posts aren’t as often. But it’s still a great support for me and I enjoy seeing how other people are enjoying dating and being single. And then there is one group that really is a dating support group for me. We can share anything that has happened on dates or dating apps and we all are sounding boards for each other. We can post texts for others to help interpret or screenshots of dating profiles (with the photos and names blocked out) to have a good laugh. That group has helped me stay sane when I feel like this is all driving me crazy. I don’t know what I would do without the women in that group. Their virtual support means so much to me.

I wish I had a better dating update to share, but it’s really that I’m just trucking along as always. I am becoming a stronger person as I go through the dating world and am more sure about what I want to find in a potential partner. I know what I deserve and what I don’t need to tolerate. And as much as I wished I had learned that lesson on my own, I think I had to learn it through dating because it really does help to make things clearer. I have more to write about my online dating book soon, but for now, the update is just that I’m still going and still trying to see the positive in the randomness of the dating world.

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Standing Up For Myself (or A Bad But Funny Date Story)

Posted on August 6, 2019 | Comments Off on Standing Up For Myself (or A Bad But Funny Date Story)

I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve shared a random dating story. Lately, it’s been more about life lessons from dating. But there have been so many one-off date stories lately and I haven’t been sharing them on here. Most of them are pretty simple. There have been guys who don’t match the photos that were in their profiles, guys that I don’t click with for some reason or another, and of course more guys that ghost at various points in time. But last week, I had another epic date story.

This guy seemed totally normal while we were messaging on the app. We chatted about a few different things and then decided to meet up for a drink since it’s important to see if there is chemistry in person. We didn’t really live too close to each other, so we decided to meet somewhere that was in the middle. And Hollywood was somewhat between us and I suggested that we meet at Wood & Vine. That worked for him and I was happy that we were meeting somewhere that I knew well and was comfortable with.

We were meeting there while a show was going on at the Pantages, so the restaurant only had a few people there. We sat at the bar and he ordered a beer and I had water. He was debating about getting food, but I was secretly hoping he wasn’t going to order anything because I still wasn’t sure how this was going to go and I didn’t want to have to feel like I had to stay there while he was eating.

He ended up not getting food and I am so grateful he didn’t because this date was just awful. I don’t even know how it started going wrong. The conversation was awkward as it sometimes is when you meet someone new, so I asked about what he did since that is usually a safe topic. Turns out he doesn’t work. He was a bit vague about how he pays for things, but I think he lives off of family money. And he seemed to be surprised that I had to work to make money. I don’t know why that is so surprising, but he also wasn’t American so I thought maybe he mixed up some words and said it wrong so I didn’t let it affect me too much.

Since he didn’t have work to talk about, I asked him what he did for fun. He had a long list of stereotypical LA things to say like yoga, go to the beach, swim, hike, self-improvement, cook, and be outside. Everything was generic and not much that I could connect to or start more of a conversation about. Finally, he mentioned reading and I could talk to him about that. So I asked what he reads and he said that he only reads things that will benefit him and that would be self-improvement or self-help. I then asked if he ever reads for fun and he almost laughed at the idea of that.

I said how I read for fun and he said something about how I needed to entertain myself by reading. That just made me made. I don’t have to entertain myself by reading. I love to read. I get so much pleasure out of it, and he made it seem like I needed it to not do something destructive or harmful. It was so annoying.

At this point, I was debating about just getting up and leaving because there was clearly no connection and this was not going to go anywhere and he asked me what I was thinking. The implication was if I wanted to go home with him. I couldn’t believe that he thought that things were going well! This wasn’t the worst date I had been on, but it was not good at all. I said that I didn’t feel the connection but I was glad that we met so we could at least see. You never know if you click with someone until you meet.

He didn’t seem to understand why I didn’t agree that there wasn’t a connection. He brought up that he likes big girls so I should want to be with him. He had no way of knowing that is one of my biggest pet peeves. I do not want to be with a guy that wants to be with a big girl because hopefully, I will not be this size my entire life. I want someone who wants to be with me for me and is attracted to me no matter my size. Someone who is attracted to big girls might stop being attracted to me when I lose weight (I’ve had it happen to me before). This guy seemed to think that because he was willing to be with me, I should be grateful and be with him. But I am not that type of girl.

We got up to leave (thank you again to the staff at Wood & Vine for helping make it a quick exit) and this guy still couldn’t get it in his head that I wasn’t interested and that it wasn’t going further. We were on the street and he kept bugging me to tell him why I didn’t want to continue this. Finally, I was tired of him bugging me and wanted him to leave me alone so I said I would tell him the truth. I said that I felt like he was a pompous asshole and a douchebag. I’m still a bit shocked that I said that to someone, but he deserved it and it felt good to be honest.

It might not have been the smartest move to say that because he didn’t take that well and he wanted to know why I felt that. He ended up saying I had no right to feel the way I felt and that I had to feel the way he said I should feel. It was ridiculous. And there was a small crowd starting to watch this happen which was odd and I just was ready to get out of there. The guy stormed off when I wouldn’t back down and agree with him that I wasn’t allowed to have my own emotions and I went back toward where my car was but waited off to the side before going to my car because I wanted to make sure he wasn’t following me or watching me.

And of course, I blocked and reported him on the dating app before I got to my car.

When I was driving home, I called my friend Dani and was shaking and crying. I don’t know why I was having that reaction because I wasn’t necessarily upset over what happened. I think it was more about the adreneline because I was so close to punching this guy. I’m glad I didn’t hit him because that wouldn’t have been wrong. But I am glad I said what I said even though it was not something I would normally do.

Maybe this guy is used to being with girls who look like me that will tolerate anything and will accept whatever comes their way. I was never that way, but I also know that I did tolerate more in the past than I do now. I don’t think I would have stood up for myself quite as much as I did this time if this happened a year ago. I wouldn’t have gone home with this guy or had a second date, but I probably would have played it off and just unmatched him later. I wouldn’t have told him that I had no interest in seeing him again. But now, I have found new confidence and power and have realized that I have the right to get what I want and not be embarrassed by that. And if I am treated in a way that I don’t deserve, I don’t have to stay quiet and take that.

I’m sure this guy will just be back on the app looking for another girl he can treat this way hoping that she will put up with it. But maybe in the back of his mind, he will think twice or have a little hesitation after I stood up to him and he realized that he can’t get away with it.

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Yet Another Book Rewrite (or Letting My Blog Posts Inspire Me)

Posted on June 11, 2019 | Comments Off on Yet Another Book Rewrite (or Letting My Blog Posts Inspire Me)

I’ve written several times about the book I’ve been working on about online dating. I’ve also written about how I’ve worked on different versions because I wasn’t sure if what I had previously done was right.  I started with the book in 3 sections: guys I’ve gone out with that were decent people, guys that were horrible people whether or not I met them in real life, and the cheaters I caught. Then I decided I wanted to change that up and write the book chronologically because some of the stories only made sense when it was put into the proper timeline. I’ve been going back and forth on those two versions for a while and I never was 100% sure it was right.

I was so conflicted on which version I wanted that I had to stop working on it for a bit. Then I was inspired to work on a novel inspired by online dating (but it would be a work of fiction). I haven’t done much with the novel except doing a brief outline of what the plot points would be along with a few style ideas which are needed because of the idea I have with that book. I’m not feeling a huge push to work on it and I think I’ll probably use it for NaNoWriMo this year. I think working on a piece of fiction would be easier than something that is about my real life because I don’t have to wait to figure out what will happen next. I can make it up and I don’t have to depend on having more dates.

And I think waiting is one of the reasons I’ve been struggling with my original online dating book. I have said since I started it that I didn’t know how it would end. I would love it to end with the story of the guy I end up with, but I have no idea when that will happen and I don’t love the idea that the story needs to end like that. Not everything has to end with a happy ending and I want it to accurately represent where I am in life. Maybe when I finally finish it I will be with my forever person, but if I’m not I don’t want to feel like things are incomplete.

I stopped working on that book a little while ago although I have been adding notes about stories I wanted to include. But I haven’t felt the motivation to work because of the fear that until I know the ending that I can’t work on it. But I have inspired a little bit ago about yet another version of what this book could be and it finally doesn’t seem to require a real ending. And the inspiration kind of came from the blog posts I write about online dating.

Sometimes I do write general online dating posts on here and funny stories. But I also write about lessons that I’ve learned from the various dates and experiences I’ve had. And while I feel like the crazy stories are fun and entertaining, the lessons I’ve learned are probably so much more important. I’ve discovered so much about myself through these dating experiences. I’ve learned what I want, what I’m willing to tolerate, what I deserve, and what I believe. I know that dating isn’t always like this for people, but for me it really has been a journey in self-discovery. Even in the moments of pain and when someone breaks my heart, I am able to learn something from that experience and I want to believe that I am a better person because of those lessons.

Not every guy I was writing about in previous versions of my book are life lessons, but many of them are. Some of the guys can be grouped into one lesson and some guys have multiple lessons. But I feel like there is a great way to organize these lessons where it doesn’t require a specific pattern or even a conclusion. They can just be a collection of stories and what I learned about myself and it doesn’t need me to have a story that is about how I fell in love, got married, and had my happily ever after. It would be great to have that story, but that’s not what I feel this book needs to be about. It’s not about how I met my perfect guy, it’s about my experience dating. And having it about the lessons allows me to focus on that instead of the overall journey.

I’ve only started working on this new version, so I don’t have much done. But just getting the lessons down and connecting which guys represent which story has given me a lot of clarity about what this book could be. And I have shared the idea with a few friends and I think they agree that this is a better idea if I want to possibly publish the book. The funny and crazy stories might only connect with people who know me in real life. But life lessons should be able to connect with those outside my social circle and might be something that others would be interested in reading.

I know I have written before how I feel like I finally found what this book should be and I keep changing it. But I do feel like this is a bit different. I almost have a sense of relief and peace with the idea and feel less pressure that I don’t have to rely on what dates may happen in the future to figure out if the book is done. And even if I change things up again and decide that this is not the right version, I think this will actually benefit me quite a bit. There are still some situations I’ve been in where I haven’t figured out the lesson just yet. This will force me to look at what happened and try to see what I can learn. And those new lessons will just keep helping me become the best version of myself.

Hopefully one day this book is done and I can share it with the world. I know my dating experience isn’t necessarily the most unique, but there are people who haven’t gone through what I have gone through and I’d love to be able to share what I have learned and what I know with them.

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Another Dating App Ban (or This Is What Makes Me Over Things)

Posted on May 14, 2019 | Comments Off on Another Dating App Ban (or This Is What Makes Me Over Things)

Pretty much since I started online dating again, I’ve had friends ask me if I was sick of it or over the dating app thing. When I started, I answer was honestly that I was not because it was still all exciting and new to me. I hadn’t used dating apps in a while before starting up about 2 years ago and apps were very different from what I experienced before.

As time went on, the same questions came up and I was still not really over it. I had some pretty negative experiences but the positive ones still outweighed them. I wasn’t even getting frustrated with being ghosted because I think the novelty of everything was still there. Once I started working on my book, I think that helped me stay in that same mindset. All the moments that probably would have made someone else want to delete their apps became awesome stories for my book. I think having that book in mind really has helped me keep my sanity in what should be an overwhelming and potentially negative situation.

There have been plenty of things that have made me very angry with online dating. But I’ve realized most of them were situations I had happen multiple times and the first few times they were funny. The more often they happened the more annoying they became. And I experienced one of those this past weekend.

I was going on Tinder to go through my matches and message some of the guys I had been texting with. I was trying to make plans to meet for coffee with a guy so I wanted to get things planned out and ready for that evening. But when I went to the app, I got this screen.

This isn’t the first time I have been banned from Tinder. It happened after I called out a married guy on there a while ago. I know that he had to have reported me for something because right after I mentioned him being married I got banned. I’m guessing he reported me for harassment or something and then I got banned. I did some research into how to get banned and multiple guys have to report you. So maybe all the married guys I called out reported me or maybe random guys randomly reported me because they didn’t like what I was saying. It made me wonder if Tinder actually reviews these reports or not because I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

When it happened before, I immediately reached out to Tinder for an answer and all they would tell me is that I violated the terms of the app. I read those terms multiple times and I still have no clue what I did wrong. But there was no fighting it because they refused to help me. I did open a new account so I could get back online, but I lost all the matches I had on that first account.

When this happened again, it was a complete shock. The only messages I had been sending were to find out what part of LA guys lived in or to find out their schedule. There was definitely nothing I did in a message that was against the rules. I had also recently had a date with a guy that I didn’t want to see again, but nothing was said in the app or in person that would have been something I could get banned for. Tinder has not been responding to my messages trying to find out what happened and it’s so frustrating.

Having something happen like this has made me feel more over online dating than anything else. I had been putting in work to try to meet guys on the app and it was taken away with no explanation and no way to reach out to guys I was speaking to. It’s so frustrating that if I was to go back onto Tinder that I would be starting over again. I know a fresh start can be a good thing, but not when you didn’t want to have one. I felt like I had been making progress and now I’m back to the beginning.

I still have other apps that I’m on so I’m not leaving online dating, but it has made me wonder how much longer I could do this if there is a risk of this happening again. Fortunately with the apps I’m still using I know the employees review any reports and I know I’m not breaking any rules. So if guys were falsely reporting me for something, hopefully my profile wouldn’t be removed. And I am still having fun dating and I don’t know of ways to meet guys in person so I am motivated to keep going. But having a moment like this is a reminder of the fine line I’m balancing between having fun on the apps and being over them.

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The Power Of My Voice (or Even More Closure)

Posted on April 24, 2019 | Comments Off on The Power Of My Voice (or Even More Closure)

A month ago, I wrote about how almost every month I learn something new about myself through my adventures in dating. And of course, I’ve learned another thing recently. And it is actually something I learned through the same guy I was writing about before. He is someone I was seeing on and off for a while but he is now engaged. He has continued to message me saying how he was confused and wanted to talk. While I felt like I had the closure I needed, I also couldn’t deny him the same. I know I don’t owe anything to anyone, but I can’t help it.

When we saw each other, he panicked and freaked out. He said he wanted to leave and while I didn’t want to hold him hostage I also didn’t want to lose this chance. I don’t plan on seeing him again because I have moved on and don’t care what he does with his life. He is the one who is still confused. It’s unfortunate since he is the one getting married soon, but I can’t control what he wants to do with his life. If he feels like he needs or wants to get married but is still confused about it, that’s on him. And I wanted to finally have the talk in person that we have been avoiding for a while.

He didn’t do much talking, but I did. Most of the things I said to him were things I have said to him over text. It was mainly about how he hurt me and how I have had to move on. I mentioned how I couldn’t forget what he did and how he was a coward in failing to be honest to me. I wasn’t trying to be mean or harsh, just truthful in what I felt and thought. I know it wasn’t nice and he didn’t like hearing what I had to say, but if he wasn’t going to talk about what he wanted to talk about I was going to talk about what I wanted to say.

He eventually left without saying much more than that he was sorry and that he couldn’t talk. He left very shook up by what I was saying and it surprised me to see that. I wasn’t saying things he didn’t know already. But I realized that every time he heard that from me in the past it was over text. Since he previously knew me as sweet and gentle (how I normally am in real life), maybe he was reading those messages from me with that same vibe. But hearing me say it and how strong I was being probably made him realize I wasn’t kidding before. Hearing the words come out of me most likely hit him in a different way than he had experienced before.

So much of our communication these days is over text. Not just with dating, but with work and personal stuff too. Even with my day job, I get more customers using our online chat system than phone calls. Texts are so much easier to do sometimes and they allow people to multi-task. But it also can lead to confusion since there is a lack of tone over text. While I feel like missing the tone usually leads to a text sounding worse than it really is, in this case with this guy it seems like it made it seem better. My feelings and thoughts were probably not taken seriously because my tone was missing. At least now I know that he knows exactly what I meant and if he is still confused that is completely on him. I cannot force him to be clear in what he wants, all I can do is make sure that I make myself clear. And that’s what I did.

Since meeting up with that guy, I have been more aware of when I send a text instead of calling or saying something in person. I know that not everyone likes to talk on the phone, but I can at least make an effort if I feel like something would be better over the phone. And some people will answer or will text if they can’t talk asking if they can call back later. I’m being extra cautious about what I text to someone and am going that extra step to call when I’m not totally sure if my tone would come across. It might be a silly thing, but realizing how little someone understood what I meant over text has made me so aware of making sure that it doesn’t happen again. It’s not about things as seriously as they were with this guy, but I’m still glad when I feel like someone knows what I’m saying and what I feel about it.

Obviously I will still do a ton of texting since that is much easier than calling and a lot of things can be said over text with no issues. But realizing the power of my voice with this one guy made me realize that I don’t appreciate that power enough and I should use it more often.

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