With the year wrapping up, it’s time to look back at what goals and ideas I had at the beginning of the year. My next few posts will be covering different aspects of this and I was debating about what I wanted to start with for the past few days. But I decided that I wanted to start with my word for 2019.
As a reminder, my word for the year was “Trust“. This was an important word for me to choose for so many reasons. My main focus was that I wanted to be able to put more trust in others because I knew I had closed myself off. I also knew that I wasn’t always thinking the best of people and I hated that I didn’t have that as a mindset anymore. But I also wanted to work on trusting myself and what will come. So much of that needed trust was about what others thought of me or saw in me. I wanted to trust that I was worth it, even if I struggled with that thought.
This ended up being the perfect word for me for this past year because I had to put a lot of trust into many different people and situations. And for the most part, I would say this was a positive experience for me. I was able to have belief in friends that I might not have given them before. If someone said they would confirm something with me later, I didn’t stress too much about it wondering if they forgot about me. Of course, I wasn’t perfect with this and I did sometimes worry that I was forgotten, but I decided that I could wait the situation out before automatically thinking that I couldn’t trust or believe them to do it.
I also had some trust in my job situation and while it hasn’t gotten to a place I want it to be, it’s much better. I feel much more secure in my main day job and I think I’m in an ok place with the other job. I will be refocusing my job hunt again starting next month, but I don’t stress as much as I did before with all the issues I’ve encountered with work. Even with my customers making complaints about things that are out of my control, I am able to trust that my bosses know what is really happening and that my job isn’t at risk.
But the biggest place that I knew I wanted to put more trust in my life is with dating. I wanted to believe that I could trust someone with my feelings and that I didn’t have to always be on guard. And there were several times that I was able to be open and comfortable when I don’t think I would have been that way before. It never worked out the way that I wanted it to, but it wasn’t always bad. When I was open and honest with someone and they tell me that they don’t want to see me again, it hurts but I also don’t have regrets because I know that I was my real self. And putting that little bit of trust in others was necessary for me to be fully in my date and not putting on an act or hiding too much of myself.
But as I expected it might happen, putting this trust in my dating life did also backfire at times. I gave people trust who didn’t deserve it. Or I gave them more trust than I should have and I needed to be a bit more protective of myself. I allowed a few guys to take that trust and use it against me. And it hurt a lot when that happened. I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to trust that way and it made me question if I was being too naive or letting someone take advantage of me. But I have realized that these guys were going to betray me no matter how much or how little trust I gave them. I had blinders to who they really were and that wasn’t necessarily my fault. They only showed me one part of themselves and I gave them that trust based on that. And while I do regret giving them that trust and faith, I also know that if I hadn’t done so that they still would have done the same things that hurt me and I probably would feel the same.
Looking back at the past year, I do think I put more trust out in my life and that it was a worthwhile thing to do. I think I needed to do this to find new boundaries and ideas with myself and how I think of others. Even with the few regrets I had, I know they have made me a better and stronger person and has allowed me to see how I can put trust out there without putting my emotions at risk. This was something I needed and I think that it made the year better for me. And I know these lessons are ones that I will continue to do in 2020.
I won’t be revealing my word for 2020 for about another week, but I have to say that having “Trust” as my word this year helped guide me to my word next year. I love it when these words of the year connect and help continue my journey. It just feels so perfect and meant to be.
