Not Blaming Myself (or Still Learning From Online Dating)

I’m so sorry there have been so many posts about online dating lately! It feels like lately my life has become a soap opera and I’m not used to dealing with all the ridiculousness I’ve encountered. And since so many things in this adventure are new to me, I’m still trying to figure out how to handle certain situations. It feels like I’m a teenager in some ways but I also know from talking to my friends that they would be reacting the same way I’ve been reacting.

Unfortunately lately I’ve had some not great situations happen to me. And it would be so easy to blame myself for what happened, but I also know that I didn’t do anything that would make that real. But it’s tough to tell myself not to feel at fault when that’s how my mind works.

One situation ended up resolving pretty well. I had a few dates with a guy and then things got awkward and our communication slowed down significantly. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, but my first thought was that he obviously found out something about me that he didn’t like or he never found me attractive. My default thought is to think that there is something wrong with me that is causing someone to either not be interested or stop being interested. But once this guy and I had a chance to sit down and talk, I found out he was blaming himself for the situation too and was dealing with the same thoughts. It’s almost funny how it turned out because we were thinking the same thing and it was a relief to talk things out. We get along really well and are just now trying to figure out if we are meant to be friends or something more. But it’s nice to have that stress off my mind now.

Another situation is still making me feel like I’m to blame a little bit even though I know that can’t be truth. I’ve been seeing someone on and off for quite a while now. It was never serious or exclusive and we were open with each other about that. He knew that I had dates with other guys and I assumed he had dates with other women (although he claimed he hadn’t). I thought we were being honest with each other and that’s one of the reasons I think we were able to be on and off with each other without too much effort.

But last week, I got a message on Facebook from a random account that said this guy had a girlfriend and I should stay away from him. I didn’t know what to think and I took some time before I did anything. Eventually, I took a screenshot of the message and sent it to the guy asking if he knew who was messaging me. I wasn’t as much concerned about the girlfriend thing (although it meant he was lying to me at some point), but I didn’t know who he told about me and who had my information.

I still haven’t heard back from the guy. I’m guessing at this point that he does have a girlfriend and I called him out on it. I don’t think he had a girlfriend the entire time he and I had been on and off, but the fact that he was lying and claiming he hadn’t gone out with anyone since we met isn’t ok with me at all.

Looking back at this and writing this out, I think it’s pretty obvious that I did nothing wrong. Even he going out with other women wasn’t wrong since we had discussed that we weren’t exclusive. But somehow I blamed myself briefly for him lying. This is a ridiculous idea, but in my head I was thinking that I must have done something that made him feel like he should lie to me. But in reality, this guy is just not a nice guy and did something wrong.

I’ve gone through this blame idea or the idea that I’m not worthy of someone respecting me before. It’s something I’m working on getting over. And with this recent situation, I’m seeing progress. While the first thought in my head was trying to figure out what I did wrong, I pretty much immediately realized that was a stupid thought and I was blaming myself for someone else’s lies. I know that I did nothing wrong and didn’t deserve to be treated like this. It still hurts to know that someone who I thought respected me clearly didn’t, but I think most people would have that same reaction even if they never thought they were to blame.

I don’t expect to ever hear back from that guy and that’s fine with me. Anything he would say to me would be an excuse for his behavior and I don’t really care about that. But even though this on and off dating situation came to an end that was pretty negative, I do feel like there are some positives that came out of it. And one of the biggest positives was the progress I had in not blaming myself for someone else’s actions. I knew immediately that I deserved better than what I had and I’m not trying to figure out how to fix this situation. I’m moving on and I know that I will find someone better and more worthy of my feelings. So for being able to realize that, I am grateful.

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