Getting Some Answers (or Allowing Myself To Be A Bit Of A Bitch)

I wrote last month about how I had some unfortunate situations in online dating.  I had been seeing someone on and off for a little while when I got a Facebook message from a random account telling me he had a girlfriend. I sent the guy a screenshot about it and asked him if he knew what this was about and at the time I wrote my last post I hadn’t heard from him.

It’s been about a month since I messaged him and I finally heard back from him yesterday. I don’t need to go into too many details, but he basically admitted that he did have a girlfriend (although they started dating after the last time he and I saw each other in person) and that he was wrong for not telling me. He doesn’t deserve anything from me, but I agreed to talk to him on the phone. He wanted to explain things but that wasn’t my intention with the call.

Ever since I got that random Facebook message, I had questions I wanted answered. And in the month since that message, I’ve tortured myself thinking about what the answers could be and this phone call was my opportunity to get those answers. So I prepared for the call almost how I prepare for phone interviews for jobs.

I wrote down every question I had for him. There were plenty of questions that I knew the answers would hurt me, but I needed to hear it from him and not just have my imagination run wild. And I needed him to hear what I felt about him because he didn’t deserve to just think that everything was ok with us. When I looked back at my questions I wrote before he and I spoke on the phone, I thought that maybe I was being too harsh and mean.

But then I stopped myself. Why shouldn’t I be harsh and mean? Someone who I cared about (and I thought cared about me) hurt me and I had a chance to get answers. I didn’t care anymore about what he thought about me so if he felt like I was being a bitch after asking these questions that was fine with me. This phone call wasn’t for him even though he felt like I was doing him a favor. This was for me to say my peace when I haven’t had that chance in the past.

And the call went pretty close to what I expected. I was screaming and saying some very tough things for him to hear. I was emotional and I didn’t care. I made him listen to me and I forced him to answer the questions I needed answers to. I didn’t get everything I wanted out of the call, but I got more than I had before and that was something I needed. It didn’t quite give me a sense of closure, but it gave me a sense of power when I had felt powerless the month prior.

He and I had some deep conversations when we had been together and he knew that I struggled with a family member telling me that I was never worthy of good things. And I got to tell him that even though I know it’s not the truth, he made me feel like it was true because he didn’t seem to respect me enough to tell me the truth. I only found out the truth from a random person. And while he claims he would have told me the truth soon, I doubt that.

The call lasted about 30 minutes and we agreed that there were still more things that needed to be said between us so there will probably be another conversation. He says he needs to have me forgive him (which I don’t know when or if I can do that) and I need him to admit to his mistakes so that I can regain some more power. I need to believe that this has nothing to do with me. And I know it doesn’t, but I don’t quite believe it yet.

You may be wondering why I’m telling you all this story. This was a huge step for me. In the past, I’ve been treated horribly by men and either let it slide or just ended things without explaining what I felt. This time, I had the chance to force someone to hear what I was feeling. And even with having that chance it was a step to actually take it and go through with it. It wasn’t easy hearing some of the things he had to say, but it would have been harder not hearing anything at all. And I have learned that sometimes one way of being hurt is easier to deal with than another way of being hurt.

There is no denying that I’m hurt (and he admitted that he didn’t realize how much this hurt me until he heard it in my voice) and I’m glad I’m acknowledging these feelings. I felt stupid to feel almost heartbroken over a guy that was never a serious relationship. But even without us being serious, we did care about each other and I felt betrayed by him. I have every right to have these feelings and I don’t think I was letting myself feel that way until this call. During the call I felt worse than I had in the past month, but after the call I finally felt something release from me. I’m still mad, but it’s not as bad as it was before.

After I got off this phone call, I was able to talk to a friend of mine. I needed to be talked down from how crazy I was feeling and just needed to vent and rant. And thankfully my friend totally understood that and didn’t try to interject with any advice. She just listened and told me to honor the feelings I was having. She reminded me that this was just the stupidity of one guy and it really had nothing to do with me. She told me that I deserve so much more than what I got and I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that what happened to me wasn’t representative of me in any way. This was just something that happened to me and it was only representative of the guy.

I know that this non-relationship can’t define who I am. It is just something that happened to me (and will make an interesting story in the book I’m writing) and I will be past this soon. And it reminded me yet again that I am so lucky to have the friends that I have and that even if I don’t have romantic love in my life that I have friendship love. And that love is more powerful and meaningful to me.

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