I’ve written on here about not having much to say. I have worried about running out of ideas for blog posts and if I should take a break. Fortunately, I haven’t run into that problem just yet, but I have come close. There have been plenty of times I have worried about what I would write until the last minute. Or I just write about not having anything to say. My life is pretty boring these days. Some days I work for an hour (although I might be getting a few more hours soon). Some days I exercise. Some days I watch movies on a streaming service. I don’t have much else going on in my life. I don’t think many people who are single and living alone have a lot of other stuff happening, so I know I’m not alone in this.
I really thought running out of things to write on here would be the biggest issue about being bored or not having much going on in my life. I don’t like being bored, but it doesn’t really affect anyone else as long as I’m safe and healthy. But I didn’t think of other things that being bored and having nothing happening could lead to until recently.
We are over 4 months into things and I think some things are only just hitting me now. When the safer at home orders started, I think we all had a few reactions right away. Most of us probably thought this would be over within a month or two. I know I thought that. I was so sure that by the start of summer things would be somewhat normal again. And the other thought a lot of us had was a sense of fear or panic and we were just very worried about what would happen. I had that feeling too. The stress of what would or could happen was a bit overwhelming. Now that things are a bit more routine or normal (or as normal as isolating at home can be), I don’t have that same fear any more. I do still worry about what would happen if I got sick because I do live alone. But that’s also why I am being extra cautious and really don’t leave my house at all.
Now, I have no clue how much longer this safer at home idea will last. If I’m being realistic, I think we will be doing this until there is a vaccine (so until next year at least). I think there is a chance that it will take until next summer for things to be somewhat normal. And while that does suck, sacrificing one year of my life for being alive for hopefully another 50 years is worth it. So I’m just dealing with this and taking things day by day.
I’m not used to physical isolation and I think this will always be a struggle. Humans are not meant to be without any touch. But I have accepted that this is going to be this way for a while. But I have tried to not isolate myself socially. There are so many ways to stay in touch with people while not being with them. I’ve been doing a lot of Zoom hangouts and virtual movie nights. And those help some. Especially the virtual movie nights because that does give me something to talk about. But I’m starting to realize that running out of things to say isn’t just limited to this blog.
In normal times, I either talk on the phone or text with friends and family every day. But now, I’m not doing that too often. I do call my parents whenever I have a specific question about something or have something to update them on. But that’s not as often as I normally talk to them. And when I do have something to update them on (like the union election), they usually will ask me at some point if there is anything else happening. And the answer is pretty much no. I don’t have anything happening. And that’s ok because it’s what is keeping me safe and healthy to the best of my ability. And I know my parents are happy that I’m not going out and doing lots of stuff because they have the same fear as I do about if I got sick while living alone. And the same issue happens with my friends. I usually am trying to plan random outings and now there is nothing happening. I might do a socially distanced hangout at the park in the next week or two, but that’s still up in the air. And it doesn’t take the same type of planning as a Disney day does. So I’m not talking to my friends much right now either. Because how many times can you say “I’m bored doing nothing”?
I know I’ve been doing this for the past few months, but it’s only been hitting me a lot the past few weeks. I have realized how little I’ve reached out to my friends because I don’t have much to say. I feel bad complaining when I know I’m much luckier than some of my friends. And I worry that I will sound so negative and I don’t like being that way. That’s not an excuse to not reach out to people, but it’s the excuse I’ve been making to myself. I don’t know how to fix it, but I need to. Because I can’t isolate myself more and more.
I need to get over my fears of not having anything to say or contribute to a conversation. I need to reach out so I don’t feel more isolated than I do already. It’s not easy, but it’s something that I’m trying to work on now.
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