I know that the news all over the world has been covering the helicopter crash that killed Kobe Bryant and 8 others. I’m guessing the news in LA might be covering it a bit more since it is a local story and Kobe Bryant was a huge figure in this city. I don’t have a lot to say about the death besides how awful it was and that it’s so sad that so many families lost someone. I’ve never really watched basketball so I haven’t necessarily followed Kobe through his entire career. But I knew who he was and what he meant to the entire city.
But since the news of his death, there has been another side to Kobe’s life that was brought back up. And that’s the story of the sexual assault allegation against him.
I was aware that he was accused of assault and I know that Kobe wasn’t a perfect person. He admitted as such. But to see some people saying how it is wrong to be sad that he died because of what he did hasn’t been sitting right with me. People are complicated and nobody is completely perfect. And to demonize someone, especially after death, for one thing they did in their life doesn’t feel right. People are allowed to say that this happened and that perhaps the woman who accused him of assault is going through a rough time seeing his name all over the news and not being able to escape that. But at the same time, he was more than someone accused of assault and there are so many people mourning his life. There is nothing wrong with being sad about the loss of something who meant a lot. And there’s nothing wrong about having conflicting feelings about how to react because of his past. But I disagree with people who say that being sad is disrespectful to the woman he assaulted.
With so many people bringing the assault story back up again, I looked more into what happened. It was a huge story back then and I heard so many people talking about it. A lot of what I remember hearing about the story was how he was a cheater for being unfaithful to his wife and not as much about what happened to the woman he assaulted. I remember the case was dismissed, but I never really thought too much about it. So I probably only knew a few main points about what happened and not really the full story. But after reading about what happened, I didn’t realize how close to home this story would be.
The story I’m about to write is one that I questioned if I should ever share. A few people know that this happened to me, including my therapist. I’m ok and I’ve processed it. But I feel like I’ve processed it a different way after looking into the story of Kobe’s assault, his statement after it happened, and how people are treating it now.
Almost 2 years ago, I was assaulted on a date. This wasn’t the first time this has happened in my life, but it was the most recent and the one that I think sticks out the most in my mind. And the thing about it was that it took me a long time to even realize that I was assaulted. For a long time, I just thought I had a bad date. I feel weird calling it an assault because I still have complicated thoughts about what happened. But what I do know is that I did not want something to happen and because I wasn’t able to say no that it did. According to many people, that is assault. Even if that feels like too extreme of a word for what happened to me.
I don’t feel the need to go into a ton of details of exactly what happened. But I was on a second date with someone who I wasn’t sure I was interested in. He was aware that I wasn’t sure about him and that maybe he and I were meant to just be friends. He seemed willing to take things slow to see what would happen. Our second date ended up being hanging out at his place to watch a movie. I felt safe going over to his place, plus a friend had the information of where I would be. And for the first few hours, everything was fine.
We were cuddling on the couch when he decided to make the next move. I do not remember exactly what happened, but I do remember freezing. I didn’t say no and I didn’t fight him off. But I know that I didn’t say yes. But I’m guessing that because I didn’t say no or fight him, he assumed that meant I gave consent. There were no obvious signs that I didn’t want him to do that, but I also didn’t give him any signs that I did want to.
This is the reason why I believe the idea of “no means no” is wrong. I fully believe the guy who assaulted me feels that it was consensual. I actually feel a bit guilty that he has no clue that I did not want to do this and that he thought I was a willing partner.
My mind has blocked out a lot of what happened that night, but I do remember that I was laying in his bed wondering how I was going to leave several hours later. I was still worried for some reason about being rude. I don’t know why I cared about being polite, but I did. I remember waiting there and the alarm on my phone finally going off. And once my alarm went off I felt like that gave me a way to leave. I made some sort of excuse about having to be somewhere in the morning and left. I unmatched with him after that and never spoke to that guy again. And for a long time, I blamed myself and felt like it was a bad date and that’s it.
It was 6 months after that happened that I told a friend that story and they looked horrified. They said that it was assault because I never consented. I tried to tell them they were wrong, but the more I think about it the more I realize that’s true. But I never really did much about it.
I wasn’t going to report him because I do believe that he thinks that everything was fine. So many people don’t realize that a lack of consent is an issue because they only think they need to worry if someone says no. If I heard about him being accused of multiple assaults, then I might go speak to someone. But for now, my decision isn’t to do anything and I am ok with that. I don’t need anyone else to be ok with it.
When I was reading the story of what happened with Kobe, so many parts seemed the same as my story. She thought it was assault and he thought it was consensual. People questioned if it could be assault because he didn’t say no or fight him off. She participated in what happened even if she didn’t want to. People said she didn’t look upset after it happened so they didn’t think anything bad could have happened.
And reading Kobe’s statement expressed what I would hope the man who assaulted me would say if he was ever confronted with what I think. While Kobe believed it was consensual, he has since learned that it was not. He didn’t question why his accuser did what she did and he expressed remorse about what happened. I know some people say that it wasn’t a truthful statement from him and he was doing it to look better, but I choose to believe that he believed what he said and that he did rethink what happened that night.
I don’t necessarily have a point to sharing my story other than to say that this happens and that assault can be complicated. Even I struggle with the idea that this was assault and not somehow my fault. I struggle with guilt that I somehow am hiding something from the person who did this to me and that he should know because he has a right to know that it was wrong. And to say that the situation that happened with Kobe and his accuser is simple is probably not accurate. And because it was complicated, people can have complicated feelings about it. We shouldn’t judge other people by how they feel about a particular situation. We shouldn’t judge someone by how they react to an assault and we shouldn’t judge someone by how they react to a death.
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World Mental Health Day (or Seeing So Many People Be So Open)
Me Too (or We Need To Stop Normalizing Sexual Assault)
Continuing To Share My Experiences (or This Is Going To Be Vague)
People Don’t Get It (or My Comment On The Dear Fat People Video)
Supporting A Friend (or Another Story I Haven’t Talked About Before)
Standing Up For Myself (or A Bad But Funny Date Story)
