Sometimes I Need To Be Ok Not Being Polite (or Knowing The Value Of My Time)

My journey with dating has taught me so many lessons over the past few years. I’ve learned to stand up for myself a lot more, which has really helped me to not waste as much time as I did in the past. I don’t try to play cool about things and speak up if I want something that doesn’t seem to be happening. I might not have as many dates now as I did a few years ago, but they tend to be better dates. Or at least they are dates with guys who claim to be looking for the same thing as what I’m looking for. They aren’t always good dates and there have been guys who have lied to me, but I’m very upfront about what I want and I’m not worried I’ll scare someone away. The right person will not be scared off.

I’ve also learned that I don’t have to tolerate bad dates or bad messages on apps. If someone starts to send me messages that are inappropriate or make me uncomfortable, I don’t have to see if things will get better unless I think that maybe there is some miscommunication. I will unmatch with someone without worrying that could be rude when I’m not ok with messaging with them anymore. Because I don’t give out my phone number until I meet someone in person, I haven’t had to block too many people from being able to call or text me, but I’m starting to be more ok with that and I have had to block one person from my past. But fortunately, since I don’t give out my number too quickly, I don’t think I will have to do that too often.

But it’s much easier for me to end bad or unwanted messages than it is for me to end a bad date. I’ve walked away quickly from a handful of dates, but it tends to be when something pretty extreme happens that makes me feel very uncomfortable or worried about my safety. For other bad dates where I might just be uneasy, I usually end up looking at my watch and trying to find a graceful way to leave. If it’s been an hour, that seems like a reasonable amount of time to leave a first date. Or if my phone is buzzing, I might lie and say that something came up and I needed to go. But I still try to be polite when possible even if I’m leaving a date very quickly.

Over this past weekend, I had a first date with someone new. It was during the day, which is a rare first date for me but I was happy to not be out at night when it’s been a lot colder. We were going to meet at my usual first date spot, which is an outdoor seating area near where I live. I like that location since it’s in public and there are always people around. Plus there are options to get something to eat or walk around if we decide to do so. I do prefer to meet closer to where I live so I don’t have to drive that far. And this time, my date was driving somewhat far to meet me. I usually try to only meet someone who lives a reasonable distance from me, but this guy was willing to come to my side of LA which was about an hour-long drive.

And from the beginning of that date, I knew it wasn’t going well. He said things that made me very hesitant. I tried to not judge him too quickly and thought maybe it was just nerves on his end that made him say things like that. But he continued to say things that made me realize quickly that we weren’t a good match. But because he drove over an hour to meet me, I really felt guilty ending the date quickly and tried to see if I could make it for about an hour. If he hadn’t driven that far, I probably would have ended things a lot sooner and that’s really what I should have done. But I guess I was lucky that he ended up storming off after about 15 minutes because when he asked me if I thought the date was going well I was honest and said I didn’t think we were a good match. He wanted me to explain why, and I was starting to feel more uncomfortable and I tried to just say it seems like we don’t have the same interests. I’m glad he ended up walking away so I could leave too.

I know that he drove a lot longer than the date lasted, but I’ve been in situations where I drove a lot longer than a date as well. I know it’s been a long process of learning how it’s ok to not always be polite, and I guess I found another of my weaknesses because I wanted to not feel bad about how long he drove. But at the same time, I was willing to waste an hour of my day on someone who wasn’t worthy of it. And that should have been important to me. I should have valued my time (and I guess his as well) and ended the date soon after I knew that it wasn’t going to work.

I don’t want to say that I will be able to do that the next time something like this happens to me, but I hope that I will remember what my time is worth and that I shouldn’t have to waste it.

You Might Also Like

More Thoughts On Pandemic Dating (or I Wish I Didn’t Miss Dating As Much) Still Trying To Figure Out Pandemic Dating (or Sometimes You Can’t Plan For Things) Still Figuring Out Dating During The Pandemic (or Some Things Are The Same And Some Things Are Different) Even More Pandemic Dating Adventures (or Getting Out Of The House) Still Figuring Out Dating During COVID (or Phone Calls, Video Chats, And Social Distances Meetups) Working On Rejection (or Why Can’t Dating Be Like Acting)