First, I want to say that I’m doing much better than I was earlier this week. I’m still dealing with some pain and nausea, but it’s at the level that I’m used to and was expecting to have. Whatever affected me on Monday had to be something else. I don’t know if it was food poisoning or a stomach bug, but whatever it was I think it’s out of my system. I’m glad to be back at a normal level of nausea because I know how to be productive while dealing with that and I have things I can use to make life easier.
Ok, now on to the point of this post.
I think a lot of people have gained weight over the past year. So many of us had a huge change when things shut down. Some people had to get used to the idea of working from home. Fortunately, I was already used to that. But I did have to get used to not having my regular workouts as well as dealing with new issues with food. I hate having a ton of food in my house at one time, and that’s what I had to do in order to limit how often I got groceries. At the beginning of the pandemic, things were a bit worse for me, but now I am doing grocery delivery a bit more often so I don’t always have a house full of food. And like so many people, I have used food as a coping mechanism over the past year.
I’m not proud that I used food that way, especially because it was a big step backward in getting toward recovery from my eating disorder. But that’s the reality of the situation. And between comfort eating, lower effort workouts, and a general lack of activity; I have put on weight over the past year. I know it could have been much worse, so I am happy that it wasn’t completely out of control. But it’s still frustrating and annoying.
I’m lucky that even with weight gain, the clothes that I’ve been wearing lately still fit me. But most of the clothes I’ve been wearing have been things like leggings and workout pants, so there is a lot of stretch in those and they work when my weight goes up and down. And while I’m fine living in leggings for the most part even when we aren’t in a pandemic, that’s not all I want to wear. I want to feel cute and fashionable. When I’ve had pandemic-safe dates (mainly going to a park and walking or something else outdoors), I don’t want to have to only wear leggings. And right now, other pants I own just aren’t fitting me.
I do have cute dresses and skirts that fit and I’m trying to be more ok with wearing those out and about, but the weight gain has also caused a hit in my confidence and I’m not feeling the same way I used to in dresses and skirts. So even though I didn’t want to spend money because I want to believe I will be fitting in my regular clothes again soon, I had to do some shopping for new jeans so I would have some options to wear.
Jeans are already difficult to shop for in normal times. And that’s when you can go to a store and try them on. Online shopping for jeans (unless they are a reorder of something I already own) is even harder. So I had to suck it up with spending a bit more so I could order different sizes and styles from different places. I only ordered places that had free shipping and easy returns, because I know I will be returning most of what I ordered. But I need to find some jeans that make me happy and feel confident in how I look right now.
And I’m aware that there is a chance I will be back in my other jeans in a few weeks or a month, but I can’t use that as an excuse to not have some options for now. In the past, I have kept so many of my skinny clothes in the hopes I’d be back in them soon. But they are just reminders of where I’m not at the moment. And by not having any jeans that fit me and seeing the ones that don’t fit hanging in my closet, it almost makes me feel like I don’t deserve to wear jeans until I lose weight. And I don’t want to have that mindset. I deserve to feel cute no matter my size and weight. I don’t only have to wear clothes with a lot of stretch to fit me.
Hopefully, at least one pair of what I ordered online will fit me and be the perfect jeans for how I look right now. I want to get back a little confidence and feel like my clothes fit me and look good. I am still going to wear comfortable leggings when I’m just staying home by myself, but I want to have some options for going out since that’s going to be happening more and more in the not too distant future.
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