I’ve written so many posts about dating on here. Sometimes my posts are about crazy dating stories from either things I see on dating apps or things that have happened on a date. And a lot of posts have been about lessons I’ve learned through my experience of dating. Life lessons from dating have been a big theme for me. This is why the book I’m working on about dating is all about things I’ve learned through dating. And I know that this is something that will continue to be a big part of my dating life. I will never stop learning about myself through what happens with other people.
I know that sounds a bit bad, but I don’t necessarily take what others think of me as a guideline. It’s more about how I feel around them or seeing how I am treated and deciding if I’m ok with that or not. And for a long time, I didn’t allow myself to consider how I felt about things while dating.
If there was a guy that I was interested in, I would focus on figuring out what he wanted. Did he see me as just a friend or was he interested in more? Was he looking for something casual or something serious? I really wanted to know what they wanted and until the past few years, I didn’t think about what I wanted. There were guys that I wasn’t sure if I really liked them but I was still focused on seeing what they wanted. I didn’t allow myself to really think if I wanted things to continue or not be serious. Fortunately for me, I have been much better about this over the last few years. There are some guys that I have gone out with and have known quickly that I would consider dating them casually but never wanted to be with them seriously for one reason or another. If they wanted something serious, I had to turn them down. And that’s not easy for me because I do still worry if I will ever find another person who will want to be with me. But I’m glad this is something where I have taken some power back.
And more recently, I have realized that I am worthy of someone willing to make some effort to date me. This doesn’t mean I play hard to get or make it difficult for them to do things. I have 2 examples of how this has been playing out in my life recently.
First, there is someone from my past who has reached out to me again. They said they wanted to see me again and I was open to that. The reason we stopped seeing each other years ago wasn’t for anything bad, we just weren’t in the same place in life and it didn’t work out. But one issue I had with this guy was that he wasn’t always reliable. He would ask me out for the weekend and then I wouldn’t hear from him until after the weekend and he didn’t seem to understand why I was upset that I didn’t get to see them when I thought I would.
So when he reached out to me again, I said that I’d be open to trying to date again. But that if he wanted to do that he had to communicate with me over the phone. I wasn’t going to wait to see if he texted me back. I wanted phone calls so we could make plans and not have texting games. I didn’t think this was a big ask and he agreed to it. And for a week or two, he was calling me to talk and we were starting to make plans. But then, he went back to his texting routine. Saying he wanted to see me that weekend and then not texting me until the weekend was over. I texted him back once to say that I would like to plan a date but he would have to call me to do that. And he hasn’t been calling. He continues to text and I am no longer responding. I don’t think I’m making him do anything too difficult, but if he cannot follow through with phone calls to start, I have trouble believing that his reliability will be better if we did start dating again. If he finally called and made plans, I would give him a chance. But from the way he’s been acting, I don’t think this will be happening.
Another situation where I am trying to let someone make some effort is someone who I matched with more recently. We’ve gone out a few times and so far things have been really fun and nice. But I feel like I’ve been pushing for that next date a lot. I have been reaching out to see when he’s free and he hasn’t been giving too much of an answer. Mainly that he’s busy and will let me know when he’s free. And I’m not going to push more. If he really wanted to see me again or talk to me, he will do so. I don’t need to be bothering him asking if he’s free since he said he would follow up with me. This is a bit more of an uncomfortable one for me because I hate to think that maybe I won’t see him again since I’m not pushing for another date. But I also know that I don’t want to date someone that I have to push to see me. I want someone who wants to see me and is going to make it happen. That’s what I do, but now I’m not letting myself be the only one doing that.
It’s not always easy for me to believe that I’m worthy of someone making an effort, but I’m getting better at that. People like to say “if they wanted to make it happen, they will find a way”. And as much as I don’t like that statement, there is some truth to that. If these guys wanted to date me, they know what they have to do. I’m not going to push them into doing it or lower my standards just so I have someone to date. And maybe one of these guys will change and they will be the person I am meant to be with. Or maybe they won’t and I’ll find the person who makes as much effort as I do.
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