Even though I’ve had the same jobs for a while now, I still am always terrified that I will be fired. I don’t know if I will ever get over that feeling. I wish I could, but there is just something in my head that makes me think that I’m always a moment away from being fired. I feel much more secure in my customer service job, but I think that’s because it is a much more consistent job and I have constant communication with my manager (but when my boss needs to talk to me, it scares me so much).
With my research/data entry job, I have a little reason to be nervous. I shouldn’t be scared that I will be randomly fired, but I never know if I’ll have another contract. It started out much more stable, but now I am on temporary contracts when they can have me working. I’ve been lucky this year with the contracts I was put on, but it’s still a bit scary.
The one thing that helped me with the fear with that job was that I knew my boss well. She and I met in a workout and then I worked for her with another company. When she had an opening with the company she moved to, she hired me. So I didn’t have to worry too much about what my boss felt about me since I knew her well and knew that she would talk to me if there were any issues. For example, there was an issue a while back with my work on the website not showing up. It turned out that there was an issue with how the data was being saved and we were able to fix it. To her, it might have looked like I wasn’t working. But she was able to ask me about it and I could clear up an issue before she felt like I shouldn’t be working for her.
That boss has now left that company. She was offered an amazing opportunity with another company in another state. I’m sad she left, but I’m so happy for her because I know this is really great for her and her family. And she will be working with me a bit still because she is going to be put on contracts as I have been. So even though she won’t be my boss, I can still ask for help from her from time to time.
I’m currently on a new contract for that job, and it’s doing work that I’ve never done before. This is more about website design work and eventually some writing/blogging work. When I was offered the contract, there wasn’t a lot known about specifics because the website was still being worked on. There were ideas of what I would be doing, but not the date that work would start. Until I was able to start that work, I was told there were a few random tasks I could help with to get some hours. So I started working on those and when I finished I was waiting for what was next.
I realized last week that a lot of time had passed and I didn’t have an update on any new work. And because I was working with a different boss, I was terrified to email her to check in. I finally had the courage to do it and didn’t hear anything back. I was so scared that because I hadn’t been able to work that they were ending my contract or something. But I decided to try to stay positive and sent a follow-up email a few days after that just checking in.
I’m so glad I stayed calm and positive because my second follow-up had an almost immediate response. My first email hadn’t been received and that’s why I didn’t get a response. And my boss completely understood why I hadn’t been working because things had been delayed on her end. We had a big catch up call last week to figure out some things and I have been able to work a few hours here and there since then.
My lack of hours was not because I was being flakey or slacking on work. It was just about not having assignments to work on. And I’m so grateful that my boss understood that and didn’t assume something else about me. I hate that my mind was telling me that she would be thinking something bad about me and that was making me worry about sending an email. I know how silly it is that I think like that, but I have come to accept that I might feel like that forever with work.
Fortunately, now I feel like I can email my boss more and check in without fear of her thinking I’m not working hard enough or enough hours. I hope that it will make working on this contract easier and hopefully she will be happy enough with my work to put me on another contract after this one ends. It’s a little scary that my old boss isn’t there because I know she pushed for me to get work there. But I just need to work on making sure I have my new boss in my corner so she will think of me as a hard worker and someone that she wants to have working as often as they can hire me.
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